Coparent Academy Podcast Episode #164

Title: The Dangers of Rushing Into Reconciliation Therapy
Date: June 17, 2025
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore

Episode Overview

This episode examines the often-overlooked risks involved in reconciliation counseling when an estranged parent seeks to rebuild a relationship with their child after separation or conflict. Hosts Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore delve into why readiness—both emotional and practical—is crucial before embarking on this process and detail the consequences of rushing in unprepared. Drawing on their experiences as attorney and counselor, they illuminate best practices and underscore the long-term perspective required for true, lasting reconciliation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Hidden Risks of Starting Too Soon

• Many assume there's no risk in starting reconciliation therapy since the estranged parent is already not seeing their child, but the hosts warn it can get worse ([00:12]).
  • Linda: "They assume that it couldn't get worse."
  • Ron: "But it can. It can get very, very much worse." ([00:15])
• Emotional harm can deepen for both parent and child:
  • Children may be re-hurt by “mean talk,” anger, or seeing a parent put down others—especially extended family members with whom the child may still have relationships ([00:19-01:46]).
  • The parent’s own feelings can be deeply wounded if the process goes badly.

2. Readiness for Reconciliation

• Preparation is vital:
  • "The parent who's coming into the reconciliation counseling has to be ready to do well, has to be ready to succeed." ([01:46])
  • Comparison to preparing a child for kindergarten; basics must be in place.
• Real progress demands genuine change, not scripting:
  • "I want to know how they're really going to act with that child when they're alone... if that's our goal." ([02:12])

3. Practical Considerations

• Financial Readiness: It's an expensive and ongoing process, usually shouldered by the estranged parent. “You have to be ready to make the payments to have the sessions, because professionals don’t work for free and they shouldn’t.” ([03:07])
• Consistency and Commitment: Regular sessions are necessary to maintain momentum.

4. Personal Growth & Accountability

• Addressing Root Causes:
  • Absent parents must demonstrate stability and presence.
  • Issues such as substance abuse must be under control.
  • Domestic violence offenders must have “owned up to it” and completed substantial training/intervention (e.g., 52-week program for coercive control, not just anger management) ([04:12]).
• Vulnerability and Openness:
  • Parents must brace for perceived "attacks" from their child without responding in kind—a major pitfall ([04:12–05:36]).

Notable Quote

"You need to have fixed themselves as much as they can so that as the estranged parent, they can come into the process, be vulnerable, be open to being wrong, be ready to take in what they may perceive as an unwarranted attack from their child without responding in kind."
—Ron Gore ([04:12])

5. The Consequence of Failing to Prepare

• A bad session can deal a fatal blow to reconciliation chances:
  • “...the child is done, and they know I have witnessed why.” ([07:05])
  • Embarrassment or shame may make parents withdraw and abandon the process altogether.
  • Harm can extend into adulthood, with adult children remaining estranged due to repeated patterns ([07:05–08:36]).

Memorable Analogy

"The image that comes to my head is... you take the matches that you’re going to use to reignite that relationship ... and you just dump a bucket of water [on them]."
—Ron Gore ([08:52])

6. Perspective from the Attorney’s Role

• Attorneys play a critical part in pacing the process to prioritize long-term success over short-term reunion ([10:40-12:10]).
  • It's often necessary to defend the need for delays to ensure preparedness to courts and the other parent (“this person wants nothing more than to start right away. But the only thing they want more... is for it to be successful”).
• Lawyers should observe how their client interacts with them as an indicator of readiness:
  • “If your client can’t be appropriate with you when they’re talking about their ex ... you’ve got to talk to them about what that’s going to look like in front of their child.” ([12:20])

7. “Fake It Till You Make It”—Empathy as a Practice

• Sometimes, initial good behavior is “faked” until it becomes habit:
  • “You just have to go in there and picture the person that you think is the most calming ... Just try to respond like they would. Even if you feel like you're being attacked, just let it pass right over you. And then eventually... it becomes habit, becomes easy.” ([13:45])
• The absolute necessity of showing empathy for both the child and the favored parent:
  • “If you act like it’s a competition ... the child's not going to believe it ... you have no credibility with them.” ([14:18–14:52])

8. The Value of Patience and Delayed Gratification

• Sometimes the best approach is waiting to increase the chances of success:

  “It's better to wait six months to a year to get yourself in check ... to give yourself the best chance of having a good relationship with that child for the next 50 years.”
  —Ron Gore ([15:03])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “They assume that it couldn't get worse. But it can.”
  —Linda VanValkenburg & Ron Gore ([00:12–00:17])
• “You need to know some of the basics so that you can get in and be ready to make some progress.”
  —Ron Gore ([01:46])
• “I really don’t try to work myself out of a job.”
  —Linda, regarding the therapist’s role as short-term facilitator ([04:01])
• Reconciliation readiness is both practical and emotional:
  “They need to be ready to do well ... has to be ready to succeed.” ([01:46])
• Powerful analogy:
  “You just dump a bucket of water ... you can set the table all you want, but it doesn’t help if you’re just going to dampen any enthusiasm.” ([08:52])
• On patience:
  “It’s a loss leader. It’s a good investment.” ([15:29])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:12: The misconception that things can't get worse—and how they can.
• 01:46: The necessity of preparedness for reconciliation therapy.
• 03:07: Financial and emotional resources required for the process.
• 04:12: Specific challenges for parents with abuse histories or substance issues.
• 07:05: The costly consequences of botching a session with unpreparedness.
• 08:52: The "fire pit" analogy—how impatience can ruin progress.
• 10:40–12:10: The attorney's essential gatekeeping role in pacing readiness.
• 13:45: "Fake it till you make it"—effect of learned empathy and patience.
• 15:03: The strategic value of taking time in restoring parent-child bonds.

Takeaways

• Rushing into reconciliation therapy can permanently harm both child and parent and worsen the relational rift.
• Preparation—emotional, practical, and financial—is critical.
• True progress is founded on real self-work and demonstrated empathy, not on scripts or shortcuts.
• Sometimes, waiting to take part in reconciliation is the best long-term investment a parent can make.

For questions, comments, or further guidance, listeners are encouraged to contact the hosts via email.