Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #165 – Beyond Conflict: Finding Compromise in Coparenting

Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg & Ron Gore
Date: June 23, 2025

Overview

This episode explores the critical final step in co-parenting conflict: moving beyond disputes to find workable compromises that protect both parents' dignity and, above all, serve the child’s best interests. Linda and Ron dissect practical strategies around fair negotiation, the necessity of respect, and the high emotional and financial costs of unresolved conflict. The conversation is rich with empathy and concrete tools for parents navigating challenging situations.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Nature of Compromise in Coparenting

• Joint Decision-Making: Major parenting decisions should not be made unilaterally, even when a quick resolution is needed. Involving the co-parent, even when it’s difficult, leads to more stable agreements.
  (00:00–00:12)

• Understanding What Hurts: Effective compromise starts with understanding what the other parent feels is unfair or disrespectful. Emotional concerns, not just legal or logistical ones, are at the heart of most disputes.
  (00:20–01:03)

  “...you do have to know what your co parent wants and especially what they feel is not fair.”
  —Linda (B) (00:20)

• Value of Respect: Both personal dignity and mutual respect are emphasized as crucial for long-term resolution. Leaving a parent feeling disrespected almost guarantees ongoing conflict.
  (01:03–02:56)

  “Leaving one party feeling disrespected is just a recipe for disasters ... a recipe for you to have to revisit the same scenario again and again.”
  —Ron (A) (01:03)

2. Humiliation and Long-Term Conflict

• The Dangers of Humiliation: The hosts highlight how humiliation (even when unintended or justified) can make a person “dangerous” and less likely to cooperate, referencing both coparenting and high-conflict situations.
  (02:03–02:44)

  “There’s no person more dangerous than a person who’s been humiliated, even if they were rightfully humiliated, even if you’re right.”
  —Ron (A) (02:03)

• Face-Saving for Cooperation: When compromising, allowing the other parent to “save face” often leads to more durable and peaceful solutions.
  (02:44–02:56)

3. Validating Feelings and Finding Fair Solutions

• Validation Works: Genuine acknowledgment of the other party’s feelings (“I can understand where this just would not feel fair”) often diffuses tension and opens up pathways to agreement.
  (02:56–03:19)

• Self-Esteem Dynamics: Both men and women in co-parenting situations have emotional triggers related to respect and self-worth, and conflicts often get personal fast.
  (03:19–04:01)

4. Child’s Interests Versus Parental “Wins”

• Redefining Compromise: The most valuable outcome is one where the child sacrifices least, especially with family events and holidays. Arbitrary schedules can be detrimental to the child’s relationships.
  (04:01–05:28)

  “Of all things, a child ought to be able to be at both sides and both sides of the family would adore having the child there...”
  —Linda (B) (04:43)

• Notable Emotional Moments: Both hosts express sadness about children missing crucial family rituals due to rigid parenting time—reminding listeners that child well-being should eclipse parental convenience.
  (05:28–05:50)

5. Tools and Techniques for Reaching Resolution

• Three Lists for Mediation Preparation:

  • Everything you’d want in a perfect world.
  • What you could live with.
  • Deal-breakers—anything non-negotiable.

  (05:50–07:01)

  “The first list is everything that they would get if they got everything they wanted...the second list is things they could live with...the third list is deal breakers.”
  —Ron (A) (05:50)

• Quantifying the Cost of Conflict: Calculate what litigation will actually cost in terms of work hours and money. If you wouldn’t pay that now for a victory, it’s probably not worth fighting over.
  (07:20–08:41)

  “Ask yourself, how many hours would I work at my job pre tax to win this point? And it may start to seem a lot less important to you.”
  —Ron (A) (08:23)

6. The Real Purpose of Mediation

• Craving Validation: Many parents go to court or mediation simply seeking to be heard and validated, not just to win.
  (09:03–09:19)

  “What they’re saying is they want someone to tell me that I’m not crazy.”
  —Ron (A) (09:03)

• Short-circuiting Court Battles: Acknowledgement and respect from a co-parent can satisfy this need without litigation.
  (09:19–09:43)

7. Child’s Best Interests as North Star

• Defining Best Interest: Safety, security, happiness (especially long-term), and enabling the child’s full potential should guide all decisions.
  (09:55–10:26)

• Putting the Child First: Recognizing that a parent’s wishes may not align with what’s best for the child. Key is separating personal desires from the child’s well-being.
  (10:26–10:54)

  “And sometimes that honestly may not be what you want.”
  —Ron (A) (10:37)

• Inclusive Celebrations: Both sides of the family, and both parents’ presence at milestones, are fundamental for the child’s happiness—regardless of which parent initiated the event.
  (10:54–12:29)

8. Final Takeaways and Reflections

• Deliberate Decision-Making: Avoid snap judgments. Always prioritize compromise and mutual respect over “winning.”
  (12:34–13:01)

• Litigation as Last Resort: Realistically, litigation costs (often $10,000–$20,000) should only be invested in matters of extreme importance.
  (13:02–14:01)

• Bigger Picture: Fair, respectful compromises lead not only to financial and emotional savings but also to significant improvements in the child’s experience and development.
  (14:01–End)

  “You can save yourself thousands and thousands of dollars in unnecessary litigation expenses and you can have a child whose life is free from a lot of really unnecessary conflict, which...is incredibly damaging to them.”
  —Ron (A) (13:46)

Memorable Quotes

• “Disrespect is there whether you’re talking about co-parents or gang members...It’s that same kind of thing.”
  —Linda (B) (01:31)
• “There’s no person more dangerous than a person who’s been humiliated, even if they were rightfully humiliated...”
  —Ron (A) (02:03)
• “So much better to address the concern, the feeling, validate that I can understand where this just would not feel fair...”
  —Linda (B) (02:56)
• “If you’re a co-parent trying on your own...ask yourself how many hours would I work at my job pre tax to win this point?”
  —Ron (A) (08:23)
• “What they’re saying is they want someone to tell me that I’m not crazy.”
  —Ron (A) (09:03)
• “The outcome...needs to be what’s in the child’s best interest.”
  —Linda (B) (09:43)

Episode Structure with Timestamps

• 00:00–02:56: The necessity of compromise and the emotional roots of co-parenting disputes
• 02:56–04:01: Understanding and validating the deep personal feelings behind conflicts
• 04:01–05:50: Impact of decisions on children, especially around family time and rituals
• 05:50–08:41: Practical tools for negotiation: lists and cost calculations
• 08:41–09:43: Mediation, validation, and how to avoid unnecessary litigation
• 09:43–12:29: Centering decisions on the child’s best interests
• 12:29–End: Summation, practical advice, and the long-term benefits of healthy compromise

Closing Thoughts

Linda and Ron’s conversation is a masterclass in mindful, respectful co-parenting. Their advice is grounded in empathy, practical strategy, and a relentless focus on the child’s well-being—making this episode essential for anyone navigating post-separation parenting.