Coparent Academy Podcast — Episode #166
Title: The Smart Coparent's Secret: Investing in Trust, Not Conflict
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore
Date: June 30, 2025
Episode Overview
In this episode, Linda and Ron delve deep into the foundations of effective coparenting: cooperation, trust, and empathy. Framing these values as essential investments rather than burdens, the hosts discuss how coparents can shift from conflict-driven interactions to relationships anchored in trust. Through practical examples and client anecdotes, they emphasize actionable steps that move families from discord to positive, child-focused interactions.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Interdependence of Cooperation, Trust, and Empathy
- Cooperation is the entry point; it’s actionable and tangible.
- Consistent cooperation leads to greater trust.
- As trust builds, empathy more naturally follows.
“You can do cooperation. And so when you do cooperation, eventually if you do it well and consistently, that can lead to greater trust. And when you have built up a little bit more trust and you have a history of cooperation, it just becomes a whole lot easier to empathize with your co parent.”
— Ron Gore, [00:36]
2. The Practical Path to Cooperation
- Start with small gestures where risk or disappointment is minimal.
- Example: Meeting halfway for child exchanges, minor schedule adjustments.
- These small cooperative acts can initiate reciprocity and build a new, positive dynamic.
- Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality.
“Find things or situations in which you really don't care if you get disappointed… Even if I don't get a lot of reciprocity right away, I'm going to find a little thing that I can do.”
— Ron Gore, [01:17]
3. The Economics of Coparenting
- Lack of cooperation raises the “transaction costs” for both parties.
- Extra communication, duplicate efforts, or refusals only create more work and stress.
“Lack of cooperation is a tax. You are making your own life more difficult. You're increasing your transaction costs. You're just making it harder to be a co parent if you refuse to cooperate with each other.”
— Ron Gore, [02:11]
4. Child-Centric Perspective
- Non-cooperation inadvertently places burden and stress on the child.
- Anecdote: Child having to choose which parent (or grandparent) to please during activities ([03:09]).
- Positive cooperation is directly noticed and valued by children.
- Example: An anxious child explicitly tells Linda how much his parents’ cooperation eases his anxiety ([04:40]).
“He's a highly anxious child. And of course lack of cooperation and conflict would spike that anxiety big time… That lack of conflict and the additional cooperation is helping him.”
— Linda VanValkenburg, [04:55]
5. Cooperation as a Signal of Respect and Equality
- Refusing to cooperate can communicate disrespect or marginalization.
- The way small requests are handled (like adjusting a pickup time) are often loaded with subtext about mutual respect.
“If you're telling me that you're not going to cooperate with me as a co parent, then how does that mean you view me?... Am I not worthy of cooperation?”
— Ron Gore, [05:22]
6. Setting Flexible Boundaries vs. Fear of Exploitation
- It’s reasonable to grant occasional requests without fearing perpetual exploitation.
- Flexibility is not a slippery slope if boundaries are actively managed.
“You can give on this instance that 30 minutes. There's nothing telling you that you can't decline to give it the next time… So you're just borrowing trouble at that point. It's not even in existence yet.”
— Ron Gore, [08:17]
7. Building and Rebuilding Trust
- Trust is incentivized through reliability, transparency, and proportional reactions to mistakes.
- Make it safe for your coparent to admit mistakes without harsh repercussions.
“You have to make it easy for the person to tell you that they messed up. So much of a parent not telling their co parent something is there's going to be a negative consequence that is out of proportion with what the circumstance was.”
— Ron Gore, [11:16]
- Respond to errors with grace, as you would with a close friend, to foster openness.
“In that kind of situation, think what would you say to a good friend or maybe the person who is your partner right now... You'd probably say, ‘Oh, it's not no big deal. It's just a simple little spelling test. We'll get it next time, right?’”
— Linda VanValkenburg, [12:26]
- Rebuilding trust after a breach is a long-term process, requiring patience, acknowledgement, and “an extra administrative layer” (such as more frequent communication or written agreements).
“If you're asking yourself, how long do I have to pay for this violation of trust?... probably until that day when you've been doing that administrative layer to provide for the lack of trust. And the other parent says, ‘Oh, that's okay, you don't need to do that thing that we've been doing so that I... didn’t trust you anymore.’”
— Ron Gore, [16:15]
8. The Child’s Experience with Parental Conflict
- Children often absorb the lingering conflict, sometimes aligning themselves with the parent who feels wounded, even if the conflict is not their own.
- Over time, as children mature, their perspective on conflict and blame may shift.
“It's like they are the foot soldiers for the parent that was wounded.”
— Linda VanValkenburg, [17:54]
- Overzealous punishment or lack of forgiveness between parents can appear unfair to children, who are themselves accustomed to proportional consequences.
“A child will look at an interminable punishment of one parent by the other as just unfair because they know that they don't like to be punished without end.”
— Ron Gore, [21:35]
9. The Long-Term Payoff of Investing in Cooperation & Trust
- Early losses or disappointments when extending grace or cooperation are “loss leaders”—they pay dividends later in the relationship and for the children.
- The greatest benefit is for the child, but coparents also reap self-respect and peace of mind.
“Sometimes with this cooperation and trust, you may lose a few times early on to put it out there so that you can gain later. But it's an investment in yourself, in your co parenting relationship, and also in your children's happiness.”
— Ron Gore, [21:56]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On the impact of cooperation on transaction costs:
“Why are you charging yourself at extra tax with this?” — Linda VanValkenburg, [02:43] -
On being taken advantage of:
“One of the main things I hear from a lot of custodial parents is that they don't want to be taken advantage of. And so they feel like they've got to keep those boundaries so rigid that it can't happen.”
— Linda VanValkenburg, [07:58] -
On grace in errors:
“I'm not aware of any way in which showing grace, reserving judgment, being kind when someone brings you a problem... is going to backfire on you.”
— Ron Gore, [13:21] -
On children carrying parental conflict:
“They [children] are the foot soldiers for the parent that was wounded.”
— Linda VanValkenburg, [17:54]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- [00:00] — Introduction to Cooperation, Trust, and Empathy
- [01:17] — Starting Cooperation with Low-Stakes Gestures
- [02:11] — The “Tax” of Non-Cooperation
- [03:09] — The Child’s Dilemma with Duplicated Efforts
- [04:40] — Children Notice and Value Cooperation
- [05:22] — Respect, Equality, and Subtext in Cooperation
- [07:58] — Boundaries vs. Fear of Being Taken Advantage Of
- [08:17] — “Borrowing Trouble” by Expecting Bad Outcomes
- [11:16] — Building Trust by Making Honesty Safe
- [12:26] — Responding to Mistakes as You Would with a Friend
- [14:47] — Rebuilding Trust After Breach
- [17:54] — Children “Foot Soldiers” in Parental Conflict
- [21:35] — Unending Punishments Appear Unfair to Kids
- [21:56] — Cooperation and Trust: An Investment
Takeaways
- Begin small: Start cooperation with less consequential actions to foster trust and reciprocation.
- Model positive behavior: Your children are learning how to manage conflict and cooperation by watching you.
- Invest in trust: Be patient; rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort.
- Empathy pays off: Responding to errors and requests with empathy reduces friction and increases the likelihood of honesty and collaboration.
- Your approach affects your child: The emotional climate between coparents can either burden or benefit the child.
In sum, Linda and Ron urge coparents to treat cooperation, trust, and empathy as wise investments not only for the coparenting relationship but most importantly for the wellbeing and happiness of their children.