Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #167 — Is it Too Soon for My Coparent to Have Overnights?
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg & Ron Gore
Date: July 7, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode addresses a listener’s concern about whether it's appropriate for her child’s father—who currently lives in the living room of his adult daughter’s apartment—to begin having overnight visitation with their son. The hosts explore questions of living arrangements, stability, judicial perspectives, and the child’s needs in overnight visits after escalating from supervised to unsupervised day visits.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener’s Situation and Concerns

• A mother writes in, expressing concern about overnight visits due to her coparent living in the living room of his adult daughter's apartment. She notes he isn’t on the lease and questions the stability of the environment.
• The hosts immediately clarify the living arrangement: “Living in the living room. He doesn't even have a room.” (Host 2, 00:27)

2. Is Not Being on a Lease a Valid Concern?

• The hosts downplay the lease issue as a primary concern:
  • “Not being on the lease in his daughter's apartment is not the one that I would be primarily... the least of the worries.” (Host 1, 00:44)
• Legal issues around leaseholding are generally not sufficient grounds to deny overnight visitation unless other risk factors are present.

3. The Role of Class and Bias in Judicial Decisions

• The hosts address class-based arguments and caution against them:
  • “You have to be really cognizant of class differences, you know, income differences.” (Host 1, 02:18)
• Judges may have personal experiences with less traditional homes, and living with extended family or in less conventional arrangements does not mean the environment is unsuitable if it’s otherwise safe.

4. Adequacy of the Physical Environment for Overnights

• Key requirements for a suitable overnight visit:
  • Adequate plumbing, sanitation, and heating
  • Safe cohabitants
  • A clean space (not necessarily a private bedroom) where the child can sleep
  • “As long as the space is appropriate, you don't have people coming and going, then I mean, I think that's fine.” (Host 1, 04:57)
• Children, especially boys, may be less concerned with having a separate bedroom as long as they have an identified space:
  • “They don't need a whole bedroom, but they need some space that's identified as theirs.” (Host 2, 03:26)

5. Personal Perspectives and Anecdotes

• Host 1 shares personal experience about sleeping in a living room during visitations, noting “I loved it. ...It was awesome.” (Host 1, 04:57)
• Emphasis on small gestures (like getting a special comforter or defined personal space) making a positive impact on children’s sense of belonging and care:
  • “At the very least you're telling the person, we care about you, we think you're special, you deserve something special in a special place.” (Host 1, 06:06)

6. Child’s Age, Privacy, and Readiness

• Readiness for overnight visits is highly dependent on the child’s age, developmental stage, and personal comfort.
• The distinction between pushing for overnights versus honoring the child’s comfort and stage:
  • “Sometimes we are so focused on getting to that overnight visit that we sacrifice a good visit.” (Host 1, 09:38)
  • “Wait for the child to say, ‘Well, can I spend the night?’” (Host 1, 10:16)

7. Prioritizing the Child’s Experience

• The hosts advise that the drive for overnight visitation should not cloud the importance of making day visits meaningful and enjoyable.
  • “If those day visits are interesting enough... they're probably going to be talking about staying longer.” (Host 2, 10:29)

8. Final Guidance: Flexibility and Patience

• Don't rush overnights—let them develop organically.
  • “Hopefully dad isn’t forcing the visits to go to a place where they’re not organically ready to be.” (Host 1, 11:23)
• Support for allowing the child room to enjoy themselves and ask for more time as they become comfortable.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On priorities:
  “Not being on the lease in his daughter's apartment is not the one that I would be primarily... the least of the worries.”
  — Host 1, 00:44

• On judicial empathy and class:
  “Attorneys... will go into a judge... and I'll know that judge grew up in a double wide with eight siblings... and then the judge is thinking, okay... I always stay away from this class-based argument.”
  — Host 1, 02:18

• On children’s need for their own space:
  “They need some space that's identified as theirs... could be a tub of... things that are theirs.”
  — Host 2, 03:26

• On personal memories of visitation:
  “I would always be in the living room on the floor or on a pullout couch... and it never bothered me. I loved it.”
  — Host 1, 04:57

• On making day visits meaningful:
  “If those Day visits are interesting enough and you are engaged and present... they're probably going to be talking about staying longer.”
  — Host 2, 10:29

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–00:44 – Introduction to listener question and initial reactions
• 00:44–02:18 – Discussion of whether not being on a lease is a significant concern
• 02:18–03:08 – The influence of class and judicial background on decisions
• 03:08–04:33 – Considerations about children’s space and privacy needs
• 04:33–05:27 – Host’s personal experience with non-traditional sleeping arrangements
• 07:00–07:27 – What defines a stable environment for overnight visits
• 08:42–09:24 – Minimum standards for safe and suitable overnight stays
• 09:38–10:16 – Importance of day visits and not rushing overnight transitions
• 10:16–11:23 – Letting the child’s readiness direct the pace of overnight visits

Conclusion

The hosts advise that, while questions about living arrangements are valid, the more important issues for overnight visitation are the child’s age, developmental readiness, safety, and having some personal space. Legal technicalities like being on the lease or sharing living space with family are less concerning to courts than whether the child’s needs are being met. They encourage patience, flexibility, and putting the child’s comfort and desires at the center of any visitation changes, underscoring that meaningful time together matters more than meeting arbitrary or adult-centered milestones.