Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #168 – Is Children's Church Indoctrination? A Divorced Dad's Dilemma
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore
Date: July 14, 2025

Episode Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, Linda and Ron address a nuanced and sensitive coparenting issue: Is taking a young child to children’s church a form of indoctrination, or just part of growing up in a religious household? Using a Reddit post from a concerned divorced dad as their springboard, the hosts explore the complexities faced by coparents of differing (or opposing) beliefs, especially when it comes to introducing religion to young children. They delve into the tension between providing space for a child’s independent thought and the reality of "osmosis" in religious households, sharing both personal stories and practical wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Reddit Situation: Dad’s Dilemma

• Context: The hosts discuss a Reddit post from a father anxious about his one-year-old daughter’s exposure to religious practices by her mother’s family, whom he perceives as “indoctrinating” her.
• The mother and her parents are described as devout Christians, while the father is a non-believer. The co-parenting situation has become strained, with the father feeling increasingly alienated.
• Host 1 (Ron): "This kid's one, a one year old is not being indoctrinated. I'm sorry." (01:15)
• Host 2 (Linda): Emphasizes that at children’s church at such a young age, "they're just playing, right?" (01:23) And that true religious discussions start much later.

2. Definition and Concerns Around Indoctrination

• The hosts distinguish between cultural exposure and true indoctrination, particularly at the toddler stage:
  • Ron: "They're not doing like, they're not having ontological discussions." (01:28)
  • Linda: Significant beliefs and rituals, like praying before meals, happen “just by osmosis” in a religious home. (01:46)
• The father’s anxiety is compounded by his negative personal experiences with Christians, especially with his ex’s family, who he feels are "gatekeeping" his daughter from him. (02:19)

3. Mutual Biases and Co-Parenting Challenges

• Linda points out that biases are likely present on both sides, as the mother’s family may also resist exposure to the father's secular beliefs. (02:35-02:45)
• The hosts find the father's parenthetical description of Christianity, defining them as "a devout sect who practices the Sabbath and believes that Jesus will return one day" (02:45), as notable—Ron interprets it as the father “othering” the mother’s family and creating distance. (03:30)

4. Children Navigating Mixed Beliefs

• Linda shares an anecdote from her practice: an interfaith family where the child eventually boiled her dual religious exposure down to whether she could eat bacon, demonstrating how children often synthesize complex issues in simple, practical terms. (04:29)
• The hosts suggest that trying to force a child into one belief system is likely to backfire, referencing “Footloose” and the tendency for children to rebel when pushed too hard.
  • Ron: "If you try to force your beliefs on a child and you try to curb what they can or can't do, they're just going to rebel." (05:04)
• Best coparenting practice: provide a “loving platform,” offer open information and experiences from both perspectives, and trust the child to make her own informed choices as she grows. (05:04-05:53)

5. Hopeful Signs and the Big Picture

• Despite expressing frustration, the father indicates he doesn’t want to belittle his daughter's growing relationship with her mother and grandmother—even though he disagrees with their beliefs.

  • Linda: "He does see how important the bigger picture is of her love for them and that he hasn’t...already told his daughter how foolish that he sees that belief system." (06:55)

• The hosts note a change in the father’s tone when he concludes his Reddit post with a practical question: “What are some tactics you use to teach your child to think independently about religious beliefs?” This, they agree, is a healthy and hopeful sign.

  • Ron: "That is a great expression, a great question, and that doesn't have any of the same sort of tone as the rest of his post." (07:41)

6. Personal Story: Growing Up in a Restrictive Religious Home

• Linda shares her own background as the only child of a minister in a restrictive Christian sect, not encouraged to think independently or explore other faiths—something she later sought out actively as an adult. (08:28)
  • She describes purposefully expanding her perspective in graduate school, visiting different places of worship, and finding value in spiritual diversity:
    • "I have a very similar response to each one of those places. So I would hope...that she is allowed to experience other religions with an open mind and her father will have an open mind to her doing so." (11:27)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ron (on indoctrination at 1 year old):
  • "This kid's one, a one year old is not being indoctrinated. I'm sorry." (01:15)
• Linda (on children's church):
  • "When she goes to children's church, they're just playing, right?" (01:23)
• Ron (on religious exposure):
  • "If you try to force your beliefs on a child and you try to curb what they can or can't do, they're just going to rebel." (05:04)
• Linda (hopes for the child's upbringing):
  • "[I] would hope for this child, this little baby ... she is allowed to experience other religions with an open mind and her father will have an open mind to her doing so." (11:27)
• Linda (on the child’s innocent perspective):
  • "It boiled down to specifically bacon. And she did. And she was much older than this one year old. She was eight or nine...I even testified about the bacon." (04:29)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00-01:13 – Reddit post introduction & outline of the dad’s dilemma
• 01:13-01:34 – Debating whether a one-year-old child can be indoctrinated
• 02:00-02:45 – Osmosis of beliefs and mutual biases in coparenting
• 03:30-04:33 – Interfaith co-parenting anecdote (“bacon” story)
• 05:04-05:53 – Risks of forcing beliefs; value in exposing both viewpoints
• 06:24-06:55 – Discussing the father's hopefulness despite concerns
• 07:41-08:16 – Recognizing the father’s search for constructive solutions
• 08:28-11:27 – Linda’s personal journey from religious restriction to exploration
• 11:27-end – Final hopes for the child and her coparents

Episode Takeaways

• While tensions are real, children—especially very young ones—are more likely absorbing community and ritual than being consciously indoctrinated.
• The healthiest co-parenting approach emphasizes openness, trust, and providing a broad platform of experiences, allowing the child to ultimately form their own beliefs.
• Both hosts highlight the importance of keeping hope alive and focusing on the child’s emotional well-being and independent growth rather than adult grievances.