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In this video, we're going to finish up our conversation about extracurriculars. And in this one, we're going to talk about how to deal with extracurriculars when you have a high conflict co parent. This is involving a mindset shift. Previously, we were hoping to have some cooperation. Now we're planning for lack of cooperation. We're planning actually to make cooperation irrelevant. We want to do everything we can to be prepared for you as the co parent who has your child's best interest in mind, to get extracurriculars happening if at all possible. So there's several steps to this, and really it came down to basically 12 steps that you need to follow. The first is to review your order. Now, if you don't have an order in place yet, then this is a step that you can do. You need to go about getting an order in place that will permit you to deal with extracurriculars. But assuming for the moment that you have some order in place, he needs to figure out what you can do under that order. Are you the sole legal custodian or are you a joint custodian? If you're a sole legal custodian, there still likely will be requirements for you to communicate and try to cooperate and see if you can come up with some agreements regarding extracurriculars. It's not normally going to be the case that you can just do whatever you want without any attempt at cooperation. If you're a joint custodian, there's likely going to be lots of provisions about how you handle extracurriculars, and you have to make sure that you're in compliance with all of them. When you're dealing with someone who's high conflict, they're going to take every opportunity to try to undermine you, to try to make you look like you're the person with the problem when you actually bring them to court to try to deal with it. So it's critical that you review your order and that you make yourself bulletproof. You do what you're supposed to do, how you're supposed to do it, and you document every step of the way. So if you're coming up with an extracurricular, the first thing you want to do is research. That begins with understanding what your child wants. Now, you don't want to be a sabotaging co parent. Like we talked about in a prior video, a sabotaging co parent is going to essentially plant in their child's head what it is that maybe they themselves want them to try to do. That's not what I'm talking about here. Instead, what we're looking for is to get a sense of what your child is already interested in. What you hear them talking about, what do they watch on tv, what do their friends talk about, what are their friends playing? If you pay attention and you just have normal conversations with your child, you're going to be able to figure out what it is that your child may actually be interested in. Next. Now that you know what your child's interested in, do your due diligence to find out what it's going to take to make that happen. Look at all the different sites, talk with people who are already doing it. Figure out costs and schedules and locations, all of the things that are the day to day on the ground requirements to have your child participate in this activity. Now that you've done all of this research, you know what your child wants, you know what it's going to take to make that happen. Now, send a proposal to your co parent. Keep it businesslike, keep it neutral, just the facts. Put in all of the information that you found and ask for them to give you a response within a timeline. That doesn't mean that they're going to actually do it, but at least it shows that there was some expectation of a response within a certain period of time. And if they just won't respond to you, then you have that additional ammunition to use in your favor when you're sending this communication. Hopefully, since you have the high conflict co parent, you're using a parenting app, something like Our Family wizard or Talking Parents. If you're not, then use an email. Right? Don't do text message, don't do WhatsApp, don't do Snapchat, don't do something that they can delete or alter. Make sure that you can have a documentable set of communications. So you've given them the proposal. Let's assume that they've given you a response. For the moment, consider their feedback and respond appropriately. If they've made valid points, then consider them and see if you need to come up with some alternatives. Just because they're high conflict doesn't mean that they're always wrong about everything. Right? They may have some good points. So work with the information that they provide you that is helpful, that is actually focused on co parenting and getting these extracurriculars going. If at the same time or if interspersed within that they're giving you a bunch of garbage, ignore the garbage. Deal with what they give you that actually is reasonable. If anything, then once you've considered that and once you've maybe negotiated or had some conversations about the things that were actually good points, then take action for the order. If you're the sole custodian and you have the ability to take that final decision, then go ahead and do it. Document what you're doing, why you're doing it, and put that all in writing. So it's okay to disagree with your co parent if you are the sole custodian? I mean, you have the final say for a reason it's not okay is to make decisions just out of thin air. You know, they could use that as evidence against you later to come back and try to get more control. So document what you're doing. Show that you've taken their position into consideration. If you're the sole custodian, explain why you disagreed with them if you did in this document that you're preparing and then let them know. If you're a joint custodian and you have an agreement, lock that sucker in, put it in writing on the parenting app or by email, detail what the agreement is and ask for confirmation that that's what the agreement actually is. I know sometimes it can be a little bit scary. You don't want to try to document the agreement. You want to just say, well, they agreed, I'm going to move on and do it. But if you don't lock in that agreement in writing from them, they may come back later and say they never agreed. So lock it in in writing so that it's preserved. If there is no agreement, then follow what the order says. If you're the sole custodian, you can do it anyway. Just make sure you document it. If you're the joint custodian, what's your process? Are you supposed to go to a parenting coordinator? If so, get that meeting set up. If there is no process for a parenting coordinator, if you're sort of stuck between the position of either the extracurricular doesn't happen or we modify the orders, then decide what's important to you. If this is something that's very important to you that you are willing to litigate over, then start following your motions to get into the court and try to either have an ad hoc decision regarding these extracurriculars, or if co parenting is just so broken that you can't even decide on an extracurricular, then consider filing a motion to terminate that joint custody and getting the sole legal decision making so that you can do these things in the future. All right, now, assuming that you're going to move forward with the extracurricular it's time to make that happen. So you want to be as proactive as you can to manage yourself. Each piece of this that you can. You may be thinking to yourself, well, I shouldn't have to be this person's secretary. You know, maybe you did a lot of that during the marriage anyway. But it comes down to what you want for your child. What did you want them to experience? If it's going to take you managing the enrollment and these other things for your kid to be able to enjoy the extracurriculars, then you just got to do it. That's part of what comes with having a child with a jerk who's uncooperative. If you want things to happen, you got to do it yourself, unfortunately. So manage the enrollment. Offer to handle all of these administrative tasks. Get the documents together, find out what the deadlines are, find out what the enrollment fees are, what equipment's needed, get on any portals that are necessary, get on any group chats that may be there. Document every single thing that you're doing so that one, you can share with your co parent what it is that you've done, and two, you can be building the record for the future about what it took to get this child enrolled in extracurriculars and potentially why you had to do it all yourself and what you in fact did. When it comes to equipment, I'm a big fan of a two set of equipment rule with a high conflict co parent. You cannot guarantee that your co parent is going to be available or be willing to share the equipment when it's time. You don't want to be stuck trying to get your kid to a tournament and all of their equipment's at their co parent's house and he won't let you in or she won't let you in. So maintain the best you can. Two sets of equipment. Have one that travels back and forth, but have a backup plan. Have a backup set just in case you have to have it. Now manage the finances. If it's going to be something that you want to have reimbursed, then make sure that you document it. Make sure that you have an agreement in writing in advance. Now let's say that your child's playing baseball. You can get a baseball bat that costs $100. You can get a baseball bat that costs $300. Just because you and your co parent agreed that you're getting a baseball bat doesn't mean that you agreed on what kind of bat and how much you were going to spend. So get an Agreement in writing. I'm looking to get this baseball bat or I'm looking to spend this amount of money on a baseball bat. Do you agree? And if they agree, great, you've got it in writing and you can seek reimbursement after you've purchased it. If you just say, I'm getting a baseball bat in your mind, you thought the 350 variety and they thought the 100 variety maybe legitimately, and you didn't clarify which one it was then. Now you're stuck with asking a court to determine or a parenting coordinator. Is it reasonable for a child who's 10 to have a $350 baseball bat? Some judges may think yes. I think a lot of judges would think no. So make sure you're documenting what this is in advance in writing. Put whatever expenses there are, hopefully in your parenting application. Request reimbursement pursuant to your parenting plan. And if they refuse to pay, document and enforce. File that contempt. A lot of times I'll have parents come back and say, well, they just won't pay me what I'm owed. You have to let them know right away that you are willing to defend your rights. If you don't, they're going to walk all over you. Next, manage the schedule. Use a parenting app. Again, hopefully you're fine in this. Use the parenting app. Parenting app. Parenting app with eye conflict. If you're not using a parenting app, then use a shared Google Calendar, but make sure that they can't edit you don't want a situation in which you're trying to keep a calendar and they're deleting things. I've seen really high conflict. Co parents do that. So it may wind up having this sort of stupid situation where you both have your own calendars, but you should make your Google Calendar, if that's what it is, so that they can view it, but they can't change it. I would send out reminders about activities coming up. You know, I would. At the beginning of the week, I would send out an email. If you look at a prior video, you'll see I have some fax only communication. Check that video out. I'll put a link in the description, but send out an email reminder that says, hey, we have these events coming up this week for our child. These are the dates, these are the times. These are locations. If they want to ignore that email, fine. But you've documented that you've shared all that information in a really helpful way. And so if they're not getting your childhood activity, it's just because they didn't want to. There's really no chance they could have forgotten. And then I would follow up, depending on your co parent. If they don't get them to things, I'd follow up with a reminder 24 hours in advance. Hey, remember, Timmy's got this baseball game tomorrow at 6pm at Love Field. And whatever it else you need to give them. Now for transportation, I would be prepared to manage the transportation. You may have a co parent that agrees at the really high conflict that your kid can play the activity but they don't want to do any part of the transportation. You can take them to court for that or potentially you can just agree to do the transportation. Maybe there's a carpool that you can get in where you can share transportation with other parents. But it depends again on what you want your child to do. Some battles are worth fighting, some battles are not. Sometimes it would take more energy and expense to try to force them to do their share of the transportation than to just do it yourself. And there's also just sometimes peace of mind. You know that your child's going to get to the activity if you're doing it. Is this ideal? No. But if you're already in a position in which you have a high conflict co parent, you're not in an ideal situation anyway. You're in triage mode. What can I do to make sure my child can experience this activity? And if it's me doing the transportation and I'm able to do it, or if I have someone who can help me do it, then that's what I'm going to do. Next is manage yourself. Remember how to be appropriate on the sideline with good sideline etiquette. Set apart from each other. No co parenting business, Focus on your kid. Just focus on being present for your child and enjoying the activity. Don't let your co parent draw you into anything. And if they're violating boundaries, and if they're violating, you know, the rules and norms of decency for parents at these activities, then maybe it's time to follow motion to make it so that they can't go. Now if they can't act properly, make sure you've got your evidence together. But maybe they don't go and then handle the conflict as it comes up. Make sure you know what your order permits. Do you have a parenting coordinator? Use them early and often, but document, make sure that everything is documented. I can tell you it's way easier for the PC to help you if you're not also being a jerk. There's this emotional psychological barrier to entry. In these cases, we so often see both parents being part of the problem, then it gets kind of hard to call balls and strikes. Like maybe your co parent did some things that are really crappy, but maybe your response is really crappy. If you take care of your side of the street, if you manage yourself well, then it makes it a whole lot easier for a parenting coordinator or a judge or guardian ad litem to side with you and to take some really harsh action against the co grant who's the only one who's doing bad stuff. So keep your side of the street clean. Don't hesitate to file contempts if you need to. I mean, I don't like to clog up the court with contempts, but if it's a situation where your child's not going to be able to enjoy extracurriculars because your co parent won't be a decent human being and won't follow the court orders, then it's time to slap them with some contempts. If it's financial, if it's behavioral, if they're not following maybe a judicial order of proper conduct or whatever it is that you have in place, set that standard early that you're going to defend your child's right to be able to enjoy extracurriculars. And if they're not going to be a decent co parent, if they're not going to follow the rules, you're going to get the court involved. This isn't a situation where you have to do battle with your co parent. That's the reason the courts are there. Use the courts. If you are legitimately for good cause, continually going back to the court, you're or the parenting coordinator, you are going to be building up the case that this other person just cannot be dealt with. And eventually the court's going to give you the space to be able to make these decisions and to take care of your kids needs. Be open to the idea that sometimes, depending on the context, depending if you've tried going back to the court or the parenting coordinator at some point, your child may just prefer not to do the activity. You may still be able to expose your child to the kinds of extracurricular activities you'd like them to do. But maybe it's just on your time, you know, maybe it's not a team that requires participation from both co parents. Maybe it's an activity that you and your child can do together. I can tell you your child would much rather live in peace and not have a bunch of co parenting conflict that they're becoming more aware of the older they get. They'd much rather live in peace than play baseball. There are lots of interesting activities that you can do with your child on your own time. It would be horrible if it got to that position. But just keep in mind, sometimes your child would much rather not do the activity and have some peace. And finally, again, I'm going to say focus on what you can control. But you can't control. You're a co parent. That's not what a boundary is. The boundaries that you can set for yourself set those. The things that the court can help you with or a parenting coordinator, get them involved. But if there are other things that you just can't control, either through the legal system or through a boundary that you can properly set, stop trying to control it. It's not for you. Hopefully those 12 points that we talked about are helpful in terms of how to deal with extracurriculars with a high conflict co parent. If you found it helpful, please like share comment about your own experiences with high conflict co parents. And if I've missed something, let me know. Put in the comments. Are there, are there things that I should have thought of that I didn't, or things that you found to be really helpful in your experience? If you want more co parenting content like this, check out coparentacademy.com for our courses and articles as well. Thanks for listening. Take care. Thanks for listening. If you'd like to leave questions, comments or concerns, please email podcastoparentacademy.com and please remember to rate, review and subscribe to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen.