Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #180 – Managing Extracurriculars with a High Conflict Coparent

Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore
Date: October 6, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode provides a practical, step-by-step approach for managing children’s extracurricular activities when coparenting with a high-conflict ex-partner. The hosts focus on shifting the mindset from hoping for cooperation to making cooperation irrelevant, emphasizing preparation, documentation, and self-management to best serve the child's interests—regardless of co-parent resistance or uncooperativeness.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mindset Shift for High-Conflict Coparenting (00:00–02:00)

• Main Theme: Move from expecting cooperation to assuming it won’t happen, and “make cooperation irrelevant.”
• Quote: “We're planning actually to make cooperation irrelevant.” — Ron Gore (00:18)

2. The 12-Step Extracurriculars Management Plan

Step 1: Review Your Legal Order (02:00–05:00)

• Check Custody Status:
  • Sole legal custody: Still typically requires effort to communicate and attempt cooperation.
  • Joint custody: Orders likely specify procedures for decision-making.
• Document Everything.
• Quote: “Make yourself bulletproof. You do what you're supposed to do, how you're supposed to do it, and you document every step of the way.” — Ron Gore (04:10)

Step 2: Research Your Child’s Interests (05:00–06:30)

• Listen to your child. Avoid pushing your own interests or sabotaging the co-parent.
• Observe natural interests in conversation, media, and friends’ activities.

Step 3: Due Diligence on Activities (06:30–07:30)

• Gather details: Costs, schedules, logistics, location.
• Learn from people already involved.

Step 4: Propose to Your Co-Parent (07:30–09:00)

• Send a neutral, businesslike proposal.
• Request response by a set deadline.
• Use documentable communication methods (parenting apps or email, not deletable apps).
• Quote: “Don't do text message, don't do WhatsApp, don't do Snapchat... Make sure that you can have a documentable set of communications.” — Ron Gore (08:40)

Step 5: Consider Feedback (09:00–10:30)

• Even high-conflict coparents can have valid points—acknowledge and address them.
• Ignore nonconstructive or hostile commentary.

Step 6: Take Action According to the Order (10:30–12:30)

• Sole custodian: Move forward if authorized, with documentation of consideration of the co-parent's feedback.
• Joint custodian: Lock agreements in writing via parenting app/email, request confirmation.

Step 7: Follow Dispute-Resolution Procedures if No Agreement (12:30–15:00)

• Order may call for a parenting coordinator or court motions.
• Weigh whether to pursue litigation or modify custody if cooperation is impossible.

Step 8: Manage Enrollment and Administration (15:00–17:30)

• Take initiative on every step if necessary: Forms, deadlines, documents, fees, group portals.
• Document all actions for transparency and future evidence.
• Quote: “That's part of what comes with having a child with a jerk who's uncooperative. If you want things to happen, you gotta do it yourself, unfortunately.” — Ron Gore (16:50)

Step 9: Two Sets of Equipment Rule (17:30–18:20)

• Keep backup equipment to prevent sabotage or logistical snafus on the other parent’s time.

Step 10: Manage Finances and Seek Reimbursement (18:20–21:00)

• Get written agreement on all significant purchases.
• Specify type, brand, and price to prevent disputes (e.g., $100 or $350 baseball bat).
• Quote: “If you just say, I'm getting a baseball bat...then now you're stuck with asking a court to determine...Is it reasonable for a child who's 10 to have a $350 baseball bat?” — Ron Gore (19:30)
• Document expenses, request reimbursement in writing, and enforce via court/contempt if refused.

Step 11: Scheduling and Communication (21:00–24:00)

• Use a parenting app or uneditable shared Google Calendar.
• Send weekly and 24-hour reminders via documented channels.
• Quote: “Parenting app. Parenting app. Parenting app with high conflict.” — Ron Gore (21:45)
• Reminders help show diligence, especially when the co-parent ignores communication.

Step 12: Transportation & Sideline Management (24:00–27:00)

• Assume responsibility if needed: Sometimes easier to do all transport than battle over it.
• Consider carpool or outside help when possible.
• Practice good sideline etiquette—separate, focus on your child, never engage in co-parenting business at games/events.
• Take action if the co-parent breaches decorum or court orders at activities.

Additional Guidance & Memorable Advice

Handling Continued Conflict & Documentation (27:00–30:00)

• Use parenting coordinators early and often—if available.
• Always document everything to make it clear you are fulfilling obligations.
• Quote: “If you take care of your side of the street...it makes it a whole lot easier for a parenting coordinator or a judge...to side with you.” — Ron Gore (28:15)
• File contempts when necessary—set a precedent you will defend your rights and your child’s opportunities.
• Courts exist precisely for these deadlocks—don’t hesitate to use them.

Be Open to Alternatives & Child’s Wellbeing (30:00–32:00)

• If conflict is high and persistent, sometimes your child may prefer peace over activities.
• Explore activities you can do one-on-one, outside coparent involvement.
• Quote: “Your child would much rather live in peace and not have a bunch of co-parenting conflict ... than play baseball.” — Ron Gore (31:40)

Focus on What You Can Control (32:00–33:00)

• Set boundaries for yourself and use the court or coordinators as needed.
• Let go of unchangeable things—“Stop trying to control it. It's not for you.” — Ron Gore (32:45)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “We're planning actually to make cooperation irrelevant.” — Ron Gore (00:18)
• “Make yourself bulletproof. You do what you're supposed to do...and you document every step of the way.” — Ron Gore (04:10)
• “Don't do text message, don't do WhatsApp, don't do Snapchat... Make sure that you can have a documentable set of communications.” — Ron Gore (08:40)
• “That's part of what comes with having a child with a jerk who's uncooperative. If you want things to happen, you gotta do it yourself, unfortunately.” — Ron Gore (16:50)
• “Parenting app. Parenting app. Parenting app with high conflict.” — Ron Gore (21:45)
• “If you take care of your side of the street...it makes it a whole lot easier for a parenting coordinator or a judge...to side with you.” — Ron Gore (28:15)
• “Your child would much rather live in peace and not have a bunch of co-parenting conflict ... than play baseball.” — Ron Gore (31:40)
• “Stop trying to control it. It's not for you.” — Ron Gore (32:45)

Summary Table of the 12 Key Steps

| Step | Action | Notes/Tools | |------|-----------------------------------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------| | 1 | Review legal order | Understand rights, document everything | | 2 | Research child’s interest | Avoid sabotage, observe organically | | 3 | Gather activity information | Costs, schedule, logistics | | 4 | Propose to co-parent | Businesslike, neutral, deadline | | 5 | Consider co-parent feedback | Use what’s useful, ignore hostility | | 6 | Act per the legal order | Document, write rationales | | 7 | Dispute-resolution if no agreement | Use coordinators or courts if needed | | 8 | Take charge of enrollment/admin | Document every step | | 9 | Two sets of equipment | Prevent logistical sabotage | | 10 | Finance management and reimbursement | Upfront agreement, written confirmation | | 11 | Scheduling and communication | Parent app, calendar, reminders | | 12 | Transportation and sideline etiquette | Take initiative, maintain boundaries |

Conclusion

This episode delivers a highly actionable, realistic framework for coparents dealing with a high-conflict ex regarding extracurriculars. The advice is grounded in real-life family law experience and stresses the importance of preparation, documentation, boundaries, and keeping the child's interests at the fore—even when the process is far from ideal. The underlying message: take control where you can, use the systems and supports available, and prioritize peace and opportunity for your child above all.