Coparent Academy Podcast – Episode #185

Title: How to Prepare for Your Family Law Mediation
Date: November 10, 2025
Hosts: Ron Gore & Linda VanValkenburg

Episode Overview

In this episode, Ron Gore, co-founder of Coparent Academy and a seasoned family law attorney and mediator, shares detailed advice and insights on preparing for family law mediation. Drawing on his experience mediating around 150 cases yearly, Ron offers practical steps, psychological guidance, and strategic advice designed to help litigants and coparents approach mediation effectively for the best possible outcomes—especially when the stakes are emotionally and financially high.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Mediation in Family Law

• Definition:
  Mediation is a structured settlement negotiation aimed at resolving some or all aspects of a family law case before trial.
• Why Courts Require Mediation:
  • To avoid unnecessary trials that could be settled amicably.
  • Judges prefer cases resolved outside the courtroom—many agreements occur just before trial, often on the courthouse steps.
• Prerequisite:
  Ideally, parties should have attempted negotiations before mediation.

2. When Mediation Is (and Isn't) Appropriate (01:53)

• Exception:
  Cases with domestic violence demand careful consideration and may be exempt from mediation due to emotional and psychological safety concerns.
  • “There are lots of good reasons why someone who’s been the victim of domestic violence isn’t prepared emotionally or psychologically to have to negotiate these things with the person that abused them.” (Ron Gore, 02:23)

3. Structure and Format of Mediation (03:12)

• Separate Rooms (Physical or Virtual):
  • Ron prefers parties not be in the same room, allowing the mediator to shuttle between them.
  • “If you were able to have everybody in the same room to do a mediation, well, you didn’t really need the mediation.” (Ron Gore, 03:16)
• Mediator’s Role:
  • Bridging gaps between parties, clarifying real concerns, and moving parties toward an agreement that, although imperfect, is livable and can stop litigation.

4. Core Goals of Mediation (04:43)

• Aim for an agreement “in the best interest of your children and is fair and equitable to you, even if it’s not everything that you wanted.”
• Rarely, if ever, will anyone leave a mediation “perfectly happy.”

Preparing for Mediation: Step-by-Step

1. Identify the Issues (05:01)

• Clarify exactly what needs to be decided, mirroring the process used for preparing depositions.

2. Know What’s Possible and What’s Likely (05:31)

• Differentiate between all technical possibilities (e.g., one parent getting 100% assets) versus what’s likely in your circumstances, considering your unique facts and your judge.

3. Define Your Positions (Three Layers for Each Issue) (06:09)

• Home Run: Your ideal outcome.
• What You Can Live With: A compromise you’d sign to put litigation behind you.
• Deal Breakers: Absolute limits—terms you would not accept.
• “Sometimes...the deal breaker really isn’t necessarily a deal breaker. That was your gut emotional reaction...but it’s not a deal breaker. There’s some room there that we can work with.” (Ron Gore, 07:27)
• Prepare these positions in advance, then revisit with a fresh perspective before mediation.

4. Gather Your Facts and Evidence (08:10)

• Collect all relevant data to support your positions:
  • Custody & Visitation: Legal and physical custody positions, evidence for sole/primary custody.
  • Child Support: Income information, insurance, daycare expenses.
  • Property & Debts: Complete accounting and values at marriage, separation, and mediation date.
  • Check Your Credit: Obtain a free annual credit report to uncover unexpected debts/accounts.
    “You get a free credit report every year from the three major credit reporting agencies...to make sure that you’re not missing anything, that someone didn’t open up an account in your name, or that the debt hasn’t swollen.” (Ron Gore, 09:20)
  • Alimony: Prepare a budget to demonstrate need and create a plan for transitioning to financial independence.

5. Leverage the Mediator’s Expertise (10:00)

• Use the mediator’s feedback as a “reality check”—lawyers and clients both benefit from the mediator’s experience and perspective.
• “It’s allowing your client to get a second opinion from a respected practitioner in the community who knows the judge, so that everyone gets a reality check.” (Ron Gore, 10:31)

6. Settlement Agreements and Enforceability (11:05)

• Any agreements reached are formalized into a contract and, usually, a court order, making the agreement legally binding.

7. The Reality of Compromise (11:33)

• Success in mediation requires movement from initial positions—the “zone of pain.”
  • “If you think that you’re going to be going into mediation, reaching agreements without having any movement on what your position is, frankly, you’re deluding yourself.” (Ron Gore, 11:40)
• Most family law attorneys settle their cases rather than try them in court:
  • “They settle them because they value their privacy, because they understand what the court is going to do. They understand you’re not going to get the home run—it’s going to be something that is fair and equitable.” (Ron Gore, 12:00)
  • If attorneys do this for themselves, clients should consider mediation seriously too.

Noteworthy Quotes

• On Domestic Violence & Mediation:
  “There are lots of good reasons why someone who’s been the victim of domestic violence isn’t prepared emotionally or psychologically to have to negotiate these things with the person that abused them.” (Ron Gore, 02:23)
• On the Purpose of Mediation:
  “The goal is to find a solution that you can live with that can stop the litigation and all of the damage and expense that it causes, and have something that is in the best interest of your children and is fair and equitable to you, even if it’s not everything that you wanted.” (Ron Gore, 04:43)
• On Preparation:
  “It’s key to know your positions, those three levels for each litigation issue, because it helps frame for you the entire conversation.” (Ron Gore, 06:55)
• On the Value of Mediation:
  “The psychological, the emotional, the financial toll of continued litigation and trial is extreme. I’ve seen many people spend more than they make in a year on a divorce, and that’s just money going to the attorneys when that money could be used for themselves and for their children.” (Ron Gore, 11:50)
• On Family Law Culture:
  “Most family law attorneys do not try their divorces, do not try their custody cases. They settle them. They settle them because they value their privacy, because they understand what the court is going to do. … If it’s what they do in their own lives, then maybe that’s what you should be thinking about too. Give mediation a chance.” (Ron Gore, 12:00–12:13)

Key Timestamps

• 01:53: When mediation isn't appropriate—domestic violence concerns
• 03:12: Mediation structure; why separate rooms often work best
• 04:43: Core goal of mediation: solutions you can live with
• 05:01: Step-by-step: identifying and understanding the issues
• 06:09: Building your position for each issue: home run, compromise, deal breaker
• 08:10: Gathering evidence and documentation
• 10:00: Using the mediator as a reality check
• 11:05: Settlement agreements and enforceability
• 11:33: Movement and compromise—the reality of mediation
• 12:00: Most attorneys settle—implications for clients

Final Thoughts

Ron Gore provides a masterclass in strategic and psychological preparation for family law mediation, emphasizing clear issue identification, thoughtful preparation, realism about likely outcomes, and the value of the process over adversarial litigation. If you or someone you know faces family law mediation, this episode is a must-listen guide to setting expectations and positioning yourself for a positive, sustainable outcome.

For feedback or to share your mediation experiences (anonymized), the hosts encourage listeners to reach out via email. Sharing and commenting is welcomed to support others navigating coparenting and family law challenges.