Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #186 – 3 Key Mistakes to Avoid in Family Law Mediation

Date: December 1, 2025
Hosts: Ron Gore (A), Linda VanValkenburg (B)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Ron Gore, a seasoned family law attorney and mediator, delves into the three most common mistakes people make in family law mediation. Drawing on his extensive experience—conducting approximately 140 mediations per year—Ron provides practical insights and actionable tips for individuals navigating the mediation process, especially those involved in custody, visitation, property division, and support matters. The episode focuses on helping listeners understand how to approach mediation with the right mindset and preparation to achieve an effective and fair settlement.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mistake #1: Entering Mediation with the Wrong Focus

(00:00 – 04:25)

• Proper Focus:

  • Mediation’s goal is to settle the case, not to walk away happy, but to be done with costly, damaging litigation.
  • The aim is a fair and equitable settlement with custody and visitation terms that protect children and foster healthy relationships.

• Wrong Focus & Distractions:

  • Seeking Validation:
    • Many participants hope for validation from the mediator or seek to be ‘right’.
    • “Any good mediator would tell people, I'm not the judge. [...] What matters is, are you able to reach agreements that are fair and equitable to the parties and in the children's best interest, even if it's not the ideal scenario. Right? If you can live with it.” – Ron Gore [02:01]
  • Seeking Payback:
    • Some come with a vendetta, trying to set unrealistic terms to punish the other parent.
    • “Payback is always going to boomerang back on the person who's seeking it. It's just vengeance doesn't work.” – Ron Gore [03:34]
  • Seeking Closure:
    • Expecting finality or closure is unrealistic; custody/support orders can be modified, and life circumstances change.

• Advice:

  • Focus on getting a practical, livable deal—not “winning” or settling every conceivable detail for the long term.
  • Overly rigid parenting plans often backfire due to unforeseen future changes.

2. Mistake #2: Misunderstanding the Law or the Evidence

(04:26 – 06:36)

• Common Scenario:

  • Parties enter mediation without understanding relevant laws (e.g., Oklahoma’s presumption of substantially equal access unless it’s harmful) or the standards courts use (like best interest factors in custody cases).

• Role of Attorneys:

  • Many attorneys fail to prepare clients by explaining key legal expectations and evidentiary strengths and weaknesses.
  • This results in cognitive dissonance and unrealistic positions during negotiations.

• Memorable Quote:

  • “Coming in with a misunderstanding of the law or the evidence is the second big mistake that I see people make in mediation.” – Ron Gore [06:33]

• Tip:

  • Know the basics about your case’s legal context and have honest conversations with your attorney before mediation.

3. Mistake #3: Missing Information and Inadequate Preparation

(06:37 – 09:15)

• Critical Details Needed:

  • For property/debt cases: Have a complete list of assets and debts.
  • For alimony: Know your genuine financial needs, how long the need lasts, and whether the other party can pay.
  • For custody/visitation: Be aware of specifics such as work schedules, childcare, schools, holidays, and extracurricular activities.
  • For child support: Have income documentation, health insurance figures (child-only), and relevant expenses.

• Quote:

  • “You can come in with the best of intentions, with the best understanding of what the law is, but if you don't have the details that need to go into an order, you're not going to be able to get things resolved.” – Ron Gore [08:22]

• Result of Poor Preparation:

  • Without full information, mediation stalls and key resolutions can’t be formalized.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The only proper focus for your mediation is to get the case settled. [...] You're not going to leave happy, but you can leave having this case settled.” – Ron Gore [00:24]
• “If your custody plan is overly rigid, if it tries to anticipate with an impossible level of detail events regarding your child that are going to occur 10 years from now [...], then you're just going to be putting off that litigation to the future.” – Ron Gore [03:44]
• “One benefit of mediation is to help those people receive some education by third-party feedback from the mediator about what the law is and about what the strength of their evidence is. But it's a shame when that's the first time that they've heard about it.” – Ron Gore [06:13]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – Episode introduction; overview of common mediation mistakes
• 01:00 – Focusing on settlement, not validation or payback
• 03:30 – Unrealistic parenting plans and the myth of “perfect closure”
• 04:26 – Misunderstanding legal standards and evidentiary strength
• 06:37 – The importance of preparation and bringing necessary information
• 08:55 – Summary of three major mistakes
• 09:52 – Request to share the episode and closing remarks

Summary Table: 3 Key Mediation Mistakes

| Mistake | Explanation | Solution/Habit | |--------------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | Wrong Focus (Validation, Payback, Closure) | Seeking personal emotional outcomes rather than settlement | Aim for fair resolution and practical, flexible agreements | | Misunderstanding Law/Evidence | Lack of knowledge about court considerations and standards, unrealistic expectations | Educate yourself beforehand; have honest talks with your attorney | | Missing Preparation/Data | Arriving without complete financial, family, or case-specific information | Gather all relevant documents, details, and background before beginning |

Final Word

Ron concludes by emphasizing that avoiding these three common pitfalls—focus, understanding, and preparation—can lead to a far more successful and less painful mediation experience. He encourages listeners to share the episode so others can benefit.

For questions or topics you’d like covered, contact:
podcast@coparentacademy.com

Hosts: Ron Gore and Linda VanValkenburg
Episode: #186 – 3 Key Mistakes to Avoid in Family Law Mediation