Coparent Academy Podcast

Episode #187: Stop Ruining Christmas for Your Children
Hosts: Linda VanValkenburg and Ron Gore
Date: December 15, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode focuses on practical advice for divorced or separated parents who are co-parenting through the often tumultuous holiday season—especially Christmas. The hosts, Linda and Ron, highlight the emotional challenges, family traditions, and logistics that make the holidays complicated for co-parents and children. Through storytelling, humor, and professional insights, they offer actionable strategies to ensure that children can still have joyful and meaningful Christmas experiences—even if their parents are no longer together.
The aim: Stop letting conflict and nostalgia “ruin Christmas” for kids, and instead prioritize their happiness, stability, and memories.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Holidays Are So Tough for Co-Parents

• Holidays amplify emotions and conflicts more than other times of the year due to sentimentality, family traditions, and pressure from extended family.

  “There’s something…the sentimentality of the holiday season kicks up all of these feelings that maybe you can sort of suppress during the year.” (A, 00:38)

• Extended family (like grandparents) can unintentionally increase stress by wanting access to the children.

2. Court Orders & Flexibility

• If you have a court order:
  • Use it as a default, especially if you can’t agree on changes.
  • But, “if you can make agreements, do it in writing in advance. That’s wonderful.” (A, 01:43)
  • Many hesitate to diverge from the order due to fear of conflict (B, 02:06).
• Key Tip:
  • “Step one, yes, you gotta read the order.” (A, 03:14)
  • The order should be reviewed well before the holidays.

3. Prioritizing the Kids’ Experience (Not the Parents’ Ego)

• Waking up on Christmas morning at one parent’s house is not the only way to have a “real” Christmas.
  • Kids can embrace “two Christmases” if the experience is framed positively.

    “They could also enjoy that same experience at the other house... Two Christmases is pleasing to even a teenager.” (B, 04:51)

  • Parents must accept that tradition changes are harder for them than the kids.
• Younger children & Santa Claus:
  • How to handle logistical challenges and explain Santa’s timing/delivery.

    “Santa knows all things and he knows where the child is.” (B, 06:12)
    “It's all about the framing.” (A, 07:34)

4. Dealing with Conflicting Family Traditions

• Extended family traditions (e.g., church service) often cause tension between co-parents.
• Sometimes, parents alternate important traditions yearly or compromise if one parent is indifferent.

  “Most judges would probably decide to, you know, alternate the years so that you each get to do something that’s really important to you.” (B, 09:23)

• Avoid using the kids as pawns in a battle over traditions.

5. The Power of Communication and Framing

• Reframing expectations and having open, honest communication can change the tone of the holidays.

  “You can have a wonderful Christmas skiing in Aspen… or… somewhere in a hot, difficult, dangerous environment, and that could be an amazing Christmas. It’s just about the moment and the feeling and the being with the family.” (A, 11:22)

• Don't sacrifice the “best Christmas possible today” for an idealized, unachievable fantasy (A, 12:09).

6. Stepfamilies and Blended Traditions

• New significant others bring new traditions:
  • Step-parents should support children maintaining important traditions instead of imposing their own.

    “If you can just let them enjoy the process and be involved in it, they will like you a whole lot more.” (B, 14:09)

• Blended families:
  • Multiple trees or personalized decorations are becoming a new tradition.

    “Many children tell me now in stepfamilies that each kid has their own tree... that reflects their personality.” (B, 15:14)

7. Listening to Children’s ‘Remember Whens’

• Kids' memories (“Remember when...”) are clues to what they value, and parents should pay attention.

  “It’s the remember whens that are a clue...they want us to do that.” (B, 19:14)

• Small things (like favorite foods) matter more than parents realize.

8. Adapting to Reduced Circumstances

• Even when resources or surroundings change (e.g., living in an apartment after separation), fun and joy can be created.

  “There are still lots of ways to make it festive and fun.” (B, 23:37)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On splitting traditions:

  “Just because one parent maybe acquiesced to the other parent’s family traditions during the relationship…doesn’t mean…they need to continue to acquiesce.”
  — A, 09:23

• On parental guilt:

  “They sacrifice the possibility of the best today they could have right on the altar of this potential Christmas experience they could have had in a different universe…”
  — A, 12:09

• On stepfamilies and letting go:

  “One of the best things you can do as a step parent, especially a stepmother, is to very much support the kids doing it their way.”
  — B, 14:09

• Food as family memory:

  “Here I am thinking I’m going to have cornbread and instead I have something that came from...I don’t know...”
  — A, 21:10

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:12–01:26 – The emotional complexities of holidays after divorce
• 03:03–03:46 – Why court orders are the “easy” part; what to do if you have or don’t have one
• 04:18–06:12 – Handling split holidays, waking up at different houses, the “two Christmases” idea
• 06:53–07:34 – Santa Claus logistics for young children
• 08:02–10:00 – Family traditions and negotiating what’s “essential”
• 11:22–12:36 – Mourning the “old” Christmas; parents’ guilt vs. children’s happiness
• 13:43–15:14 – Blended family issues; stepfamilies, merging, and preserving traditions
• 17:54–18:40 – Importance of advance communication and expectation-setting
• 19:14–20:03 – “Remember when” discussions and their emotional significance for children
• 23:37–24:37 – Making the best of changed circumstances/living situations

Practical Strategies & Takeaways

• Review and understand your court order well before the holiday.
• Collaborate if possible; written agreements are best.
• Don’t announce plans to the kids until both parents have agreed.
• Be flexible and open to alternating or blending traditions.
• Focus on the children’s experience—not yours or extended family’s.
• Frame changes positively; kids are resilient if parents model optimism.
• Advance communication, empathy, and creativity are crucial.
• Small consistencies matter—find one or two elements to carry forward.
• In stepfamilies, empower children to maintain familiar traditions while introducing new ones wisely.

Tone & Final Thoughts

The hosts approach the subject with warmth, candid humor, and decades of professional wisdom. Their core message:

“Try not to destroy the holiday for your kids just because you’re in conflict with your co-parent.” (A, 24:37)

They urge parents to proactively communicate, focus on what’s truly meaningful to the children, and seek joy and connection in the holidays—no matter the logistics, the changes, or the familial configuration.