CoRecursive: Coding Stories – Episode Summary: "Coding Through Chaos: Addiction, Recovery and Acceptance"

Release Date: June 3, 2025
Host: Adam Gordon Bell
Guest: John Walker, Chief Research Scientist

Introduction

In this poignant episode of CoRecursive: Coding Stories, host Adam Gordon Bell delves deep into the tumultuous journey of John Walker—a gifted software developer whose unparalleled technical skills were both his greatest asset and his most significant vulnerability. The conversation navigates through themes of addiction, isolation, recovery, and self-acceptance, offering listeners an unfiltered look into the hidden struggles behind the world of coding.

Early Life and Professional Beginnings

John Walker's affinity for computers ignited in his youth. He and his friends spent countless hours building rigs, engaging in bulletin boards, AOL chat rooms, and eventually IRC, where his penchant for hacking and mischief began to surface. By 17, John was already a college student who had hacked his school's novella system by installing keyloggers—a testament to his technical prowess and early rebellious streak.

Notable Quote:
“I remember my first job out of school. I had to work on this giant, messy internal inventory and ordering system... trying to say the right things or look like I knew what I was talking about.”
— Adam Gordon Bell [00:00]

John's technical skills quickly caught the attention of his peers. Ten years prior to the podcast, Adam worked with John when he was a principal engineer and security researcher at Tenable, highlighting John's ability to solve complex problems, such as uncovering a Kubernetes vulnerability that made front-page tech news.

Descent into Addiction

Despite his success, John's curiosity and drive led him down a darker path. Growing up in a strict conservative family, he grappled with mental health issues and an overwhelming sense of isolation post-college. At 17, after being kicked out of a Christian college, John made a drastic decision to become a drug dealer—a misstep fueled more by a desire to reinvent himself than genuine interest in the drug trade.

Notable Quote:
“The reality was I was like a nerdy, awkward, not very menacing 18 year old kid... It felt like this whole new exciting world.”
— John Walker [03:02]

John's venture into drug dealing quickly spiraled out of control. At 19, he was arrested and incarcerated in an adult jail, an environment ill-suited for an 18-year-old computer enthusiast. This experience severely impacted his social functioning, fostering deeper isolation and escalating his dependency on substances like alcohol and prescription pills.

Struggles in Jail and Isolation

John's time in jail exacerbated his feelings of alienation. Post-incarceration, he found himself disconnected from his family and devoid of close friends in the physical world. This lack of support fueled his descent into heavier drug use, particularly crack cocaine, which he initially approached with anthropological curiosity rather than habitual need.

Notable Quote:
“I thought honestly we pretty much wanted to die, but was not, I think, in a lot of fear of hell and not willing to just like, all right, kill myself.”
— John Walker [04:52]

His experimentation with crack led to intense and dangerous episodes, including a near-fatal overdose after a reckless binge that left him unconscious for 10 to 15 minutes. This brush with death became a pivotal moment, prompting him to reach out to the recovery community.

Turning Point and Recovery

Faced with the stark reality of his addiction, John sought help through Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. Although initially uncomfortable, these gatherings provided him with a semblance of community and purpose. To further support his sobriety, John became involved in an online recovery program tailored for individuals like himself who thrived in digital environments.

Notable Quote:
“I found an online cover recovery program for people recovering from drugs that had online meetings... what I was going to do is like, is irc.”
— John Walker [11:21]

John's technical acumen proved invaluable as he volunteered to manage the program's website and online chat, ensuring a safe and supportive space free from trolling and negativity. This engagement not only kept him sober but also rekindled his passion for solving complex technical challenges.

Professional Success and Ongoing Challenges

Post-recovery, John leveraged his skills to excel in the IT consulting realm. Moving to Bakersfield, California, he resumed his education and secured a role as an IT networking consultant. His knack for resolving intricate technical issues made him indispensable to his clients, reinforcing his self-worth through professional success.

Despite his achievements, John continued to battle anxiety and depression. The pressure of interacting with clients and maintaining his consultancy took a toll, leading him to seek solace in benzodiazepines and later, extended-release oxycodone—another attempt to manage his mental health struggles.

Notable Quote:
“I've always been a very anxious person, you know, struggling with the depression, that kind of stuff.”
— John Walker [14:53]

His reliance on prescription opioids eventually gave way to heroin use when the oxycodone market declined. John's foray into heroin was marked by dangerous behaviors, including long drives to procure the drug and risky injection practices that culminated in another overdose.

Coping with Autism Diagnosis

A significant revelation in John's journey was his realization that he might be on the autism spectrum. Initially in denial, John struggled to reconcile his social awkwardness and anxiety with this potential diagnosis. Acceptance of his neurodiversity played a crucial role in his continued recovery and personal growth.

Notable Quote:
“I found that accepting it is helping with a lot of those things... and there’s just a lot more people are publicly talking about these things now, which I think has been like, like more and more.”
— John Walker [43:29]

Through building relationships within the technical community and finding friends who shared similar experiences, John began to foster a sense of belonging. His professional environment provided a sanctuary where his technical skills were valued, further aiding his self-acceptance and stability.

Conclusion and Reflection

Today, John Walker stands as a testament to resilience and the power of self-acceptance. With over eleven years of sobriety, he has ascended to the role of Chief Research Scientist at a stealth startup, leaving behind his tumultuous past. John's story underscores the importance of community, both online and offline, in overcoming personal demons and achieving professional excellence.

Notable Quote:
“I cannot imagine kind of going back to that, you know, that way of living. Like, I feel like my life continues to get more and more fulfilling over time and more and more stable and more and more other things.”
— John Walker [45:31]

John's journey is a powerful reminder that behind every line of code lies a human story—one of struggle, growth, and eventual triumph. His willingness to share his vulnerabilities not only inspires those grappling with similar issues but also sheds light on the often unseen challenges faced by individuals in the tech industry.

Final Thoughts

Adam Gordon Bell wraps up the episode by commending John Walker for his honesty and courage in sharing a deeply personal story. He emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and reaching out for support, encouraging listeners who resonate with John's experiences to connect with him or seek help within their communities.

Notable Quote:
“I think we could all benefit from the kind of self-acceptance that John has been working on cultivating.”
— Adam Gordon Bell [46:32]

This episode of CoRecursive: Coding Stories not only highlights the technical brilliance of its guest but also serves as a beacon of hope for anyone navigating the chaotic intersections of personal struggle and professional life.