CoRecursive: Coding Stories

Episode: The Bug He Couldn't Name – A 15-Year Fight Inside One Developer's Mind
Host: Adam Gordon Bell
Guest: Burke Holland
Date: December 2, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode is a raw and deeply personal conversation between Adam Gordon Bell and Burke Holland, a software developer on the VS Code team at Microsoft. They explore Burke’s 15-year battle with a mysterious, debilitating mental health struggle—unknown, undiagnosed OCD—its impact on his life, family, and career, and his eventual journey toward relief and self-understanding. The episode combines candid storytelling with practical insight, moving from Burke’s darkest moments to how confronting what he once couldn’t name changed everything.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Burke’s Public Persona vs. Hidden Struggles

• Burke is a confident, engaging speaker, but that image conceals a long-term fight with mental health (00:00).

“Do you know how many times people sat across the table from me and had no idea that I was just at the end, like, just this far from tears…” — Burke (00:37)

The Catalyst: Trauma After a Bad Acid Trip

• A traumatic college acid trip triggered severe, lasting anxiety; panic attacks, insomnia, and a feeling of being “trapped” in his own mind ensued (01:21–05:12).

“I remember being in the hospital… you’re crying and you’re writhing and everything that the human being does when their senses are maxed…” — Burke (03:27)

The Onset of Obsessive Fear and Isolation

• An irrational fear of not sleeping dominated his thoughts, leading to intense isolation and daily dysfunction. He became unable to leave home or pursue normal activities (05:12–08:01).

Seeking Structure: The Coast Guard Years

• Burke joined the Coast Guard, hoping to face his fears. While military structure provided distractions, the underlying problem persisted, cycling in and out of his life (08:24–09:25).

“It’s almost like Voldemort… If the name gets mentioned, then we’re all in trouble.” — Burke (08:56)

Finding Computing and a Sense of Fascination

• During this time, Burke accidently discovered his passion for computers by tinkering with Windows 98 UIs, marking a turning point toward a new life path (09:54–11:28).

College, Community, and Love

• Switching his major for a college crush, Burke found his calling in tech and met his future wife. Academic and social stability returned, but the “shadow” would still reappear unpredictably (11:35–14:27).

Family Life Increases Pressure

• The demands of parenting (three kids under three) and work pushed Burke’s anxiety to new peaks, leading to cycles of productivity and collapse at work (14:42–17:16).

“All I can really do… is just kind of go to work, sit in my cube, try to work eight hours and then go home and try to function as a parent.” — Burke (15:21)

The Health System Struggle

• Years of therapists and medications offered little clarity or relief. Fragmented care and misdiagnoses were common (17:23–19:03).
• Not knowing what he was fighting (“the bug he couldn’t name”) was the toughest part (19:27).

“How are you supposed to combat something… that you can’t identify? It’s kind of like just having a bug in software…” — Burke (19:27)

The Impact on Marriage and Home

• Anxiety eroded Burke’s marriage, driving the couple apart during their children’s early years. Medications dulled the pain but numbed creativity and connection (21:59–25:17).

“Antipsychotics… rob you of your ability to be creative, they rob you of your mental agility. They rob you of your ability to create emotional connections with people.” — Burke (24:09)

The Turning Point: Naming the Bug

• The real breakthrough came when Burke picked up The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, ruling out depression and eventually self-identifying as having obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) combined with trauma (28:30–29:58).
• For the first time, he had a diagnosis, a plan, and medication that actually worked (Lexapro and benzodiazepines). He quickly regained functionality (30:27–31:04).

“I go to the doctor and I get on those medications and I immediately get better. Way better, right? … It’s phenomenal how quickly that happened.” — Burke (30:27)

Building a New Life

• With medication and tools for managing OCD, Burke’s life stabilized. He discovered mindfulness and exercise as key supports.
• Professional success followed; he embraced public speaking, community work, and eventually joined Microsoft’s DevRel team (32:43–35:33).

“Once I got this thing off my back, I was really good at [developer advocacy]… I’m good, but I’m an even better communicator.” — Burke (33:42)

Lessons Learned and Advice to His Younger Self

• Burke would tell his younger self (and listeners):
  • You’re not alone—these fears are common.
  • Your worst imagined scenarios won’t happen.
  • If you’re afraid you’re losing your mind, you’re not.
  • The solution isn’t likely to come from others; you must face and diagnose it yourself (35:49–39:20).

“If you have obsessive tendencies, then you’re going to ruminate… That’s you.” — Burke (35:49) “Only you can fix it. No one is coming.” — Burke (38:32)

Finding Meaning in Suffering

• Burke reflects on how faith, suffering, and perseverance have enriched his life, career, and relationships. He’s grateful, even for the pain.

“…Would I be here where I am today? I consider myself the most fortunate person in the world. I don’t deserve any of this… I am thankful for all those things in a very bizarre way.” — Burke (41:36)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Facing the Unnamed Bug:

  • “Not knowing what a thing is is the worst part.” — Burke (19:27)
  • “It’s almost like Voldemort. If the name gets mentioned, then we’re all in trouble.” — Burke (08:56)

• On Therapy:

  • “There’s like no real… It’s just kind of the wild West… providers… just leave, and then you get to find someone else.” — Burke (18:44)

• Symptoms and Self-Doubt:

  • “The primary fear that you have is you’re going to go crazy, right?” — Burke (06:01)
  • “If you were losing your mind…you wouldn’t know it. The fact that you’re asking that question means that is not happening.” — Burke (37:18)

• Advice:

  • “But you have to do the work yourself…No one can go with you, right? When you’re dealing with mental illness, nobody could really go with you. You have to do that alone.” — Burke (39:02)

• On the Value of Suffering:

  • “Diamonds are formed in the heat… There’s truth in them. But the truth is, it’s painful. It’s not fun. It’s not a coffee mug. It’s just, like, tears and suffering.” — Burke (39:27)
  • “I view it as a gift, and I’m thankful that God gave me that. And I can say that, honestly.” — Burke (42:34)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Public Persona vs. Private Pain: 00:00–01:21
• Trauma & Onset of Fear: 01:45–07:08
• First Isolation & Attempted Structure: 08:01–09:54
• Tech Discovery & Rebuilding: 09:54–14:27
• Family, Work, and Anxiety Collide: 14:42–17:23
• The Flaws in Mental Health Care: 17:23–19:27
• Marriage Strain & The Breaking Point: 21:13–25:22
• Turning Point – The Workbook: 28:17–29:58
• Naming OCD & Effective Treatment: 30:27–32:29
• Professional and Personal Growth: 32:43–35:33
• Lessons for His Younger Self: 35:49–39:20
• Faith, Gratitude, and Final Reflection: 39:27–42:43

Conclusion & Takeaways

Burke’s story is both a cautionary tale about the difficulty of diagnosing and treating mental health conditions, and a hopeful account of what can happen when you finally look at “the thing you can’t name.” His journey illustrates the power of naming struggles, seeking real solutions (no matter how long it takes), and accepting help—from books, medication, and self-reflection—when traditional systems fall short. His empathy, forged through hardship, now shapes his success as both a technologist and a human.

For listeners seeking practical help:
Burke highly recommends The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. He also urges caution with benzodiazepines, as they can be highly addictive.

Memorable summary from the host:

“The real change happened when he stopped avoiding it, when he looked straight at the thing that he'd been treating, like Voldemort. And he faced it, and he started figuring out how to respond differently.” — Adam (42:43)

If you have struggled with anxiety, OCD, or mental health challenges, know that you are not alone—and that naming the bug is the first step toward fixing it.