EPSTEIN: HOW TO PEACEFULLY END TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY.......TODAY - 2.2.26

Summary

Podcast Summary: Countdown with Keith Olbermann

Episode: EPSTEIN: HOW TO PEACEFULLY END TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY.......TODAY
Date: February 2, 2026
Host: Keith Olbermann (iHeartPodcasts)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Countdown with Keith Olbermann centers on the explosive implications of new revelations from the Jeffrey Epstein files, particularly those implicating Donald Trump and several current political and media figures. Olbermann argues that the White House press corps has the power to "peacefully collapse" the Trump administration—today—simply by collectively and relentlessly questioning the President about these revelations in public, on the record, without backing down.

The episode is a blend of Olbermann’s signature scathing political commentary, takedowns of prominent media and political figures, and biting humor laced with references to contemporary scandals and personalities. The show also includes his classic “Worst Persons in the World” segment and readings from James Thurber.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Epstein Files and the White House Press Corps

Timestamps: [02:43]–[16:21]

• Olbermann opens by urging the White House press, in light of new revelations from Epstein documents (allegedly released by Pam Bondi's office), to ask the President direct, unrelenting questions about serious abuse and criminal allegations.
  • He suggests that even one or a few White House reporters could fundamentally disrupt and potentially terminate Trump’s presidency by reading out damning evidence publicly and refusing to engage or make eye contact—essentially staging a truth-telling intervention live.
• The host advocates for collective action by the press, emphasizing it is both a professional and patriotic responsibility.
• Notable specifics from the files are highlighted:
  • Claims that “Maxwell presented her [minor] to Trump” and that Trump threatened a girl to stay quiet, implying deadly consequences ([03:11]).
  • Testimony about Trump and Epstein’s physical and sexual abuse of minors, with quotes from sworn affidavits, and threats from Trump’s head of security ([04:04]).
  • Questions about why there is no special prosecutor for the Epstein conspiracy and the Trump administration’s cover-up ([05:30]).
• Olbermann pushes the press to keep questioning: “He swears at you, he threatens you, he screams, he runs away, he craps his pants again… but whatever happens next, you will have served your country for the first time, maybe in your careers” ([07:19]).
• He underscores the house-of-cards fragility of Trump’s administration and urges journalists to “blow on it.”
  • “All you have to do, White House reporters, is blow on it. You remember how to blow, don’t you?” ([08:09]).

2. Other Epstein Connections in Media and Government

Timestamps: [09:57]–[13:47]

• Olbermann expands targets beyond Trump, demanding equal scrutiny for:
  • Elon Musk’s alleged communications with Epstein post-conviction, with laugh-inducing references to Musk’s tweets and denials.
    • “Just ask him about the deleted tweet from Saturday… ‘I have been to any of Epstein’s party, his plane, or his island’” ([12:10]).
  • Marco Rubio (“Narco Rubio”) for Epstein-related communications, jokes about his distractibility, and requests that State Department reporters press him.
  • Cabinet members like Howard Lutnick, nominations to the Fed, Steve Bannon, and Dr. Peter Attia, all allegedly implicated through email troves or connections in the newly released Epstein files.
  • CBS News’ Bari Weiss, emphasizing the “thousands of emails” revealing complex media entanglements.
• Olbermann sardonically notes his own discomfort with wielding these allegations but insists that confronting the cancer of corruption outweighs his personal squeamishness.

3. Media Hypocrisy, QAnon, and Double Standards

Timestamps: [15:22]–[17:51]

• Olbermann draws a sharp contrast between journalists’ past zeal in scandals like Bill Clinton’s and their current passivity:
  • "There is more journalism, more honesty, more ethics in the first 600 words of this podcast today than there has been so far in all of QAnon” ([14:27]).
• He brings up the media frenzy over Clinton, the Monicagate saga, and attacks contemporary journalism for losing its way and becoming “props” for the regime.
• The host acknowledges the ugly, weaponized history of sex-trafficking narratives and suggests that now is the time for the press to act with moral clarity.

4. The Don Lemon Episode and Trump’s Vendettas

Timestamps: [18:38]–[22:40]

• Olbermann dissects the arrest of Don Lemon, arguing that it was a targeted act by Trump due to Lemon’s public criticism and intersectional identity.
• He criticizes Dana Bash for credulously parroting the Trump camp’s denial of any obsession with Lemon, despite years of public animosity on social media.
• "Bribe, threaten, blackmail. These seem to be the three animating principles of your administration, Donnie" ([21:30]).

5. Immigration Law, DHS/ICE Funding, and Media Manoeuvres

Timestamps: [22:50]–[25:49]

• Riffs on Republican and Democratic gamesmanship regarding immigration and ICE funding.
• Ron Johnson is lampooned as "fantastically stupid" for his comments about "immigration law" being separate from other laws ([23:28]).

6. The Georgia Ballot Seizures and Tulsi Gabbard Conspiracies

Timestamps: [25:50]–[31:00]

• Olbermann analyzes Trump’s narrative on “seized ballots” in Georgia, connecting it to wider, increasingly absurd global conspiracy theories about the 2020 election.
• Tulsi Gabbard is mocked as the "perfect front person" for the next phase of Trumpism’s election fraud fantasy: "She's not a Russian asset—because even the Russians would be offended..." ([28:17]).
• References to international intrigue, Maduro, and ever-expanding “deep state” boogeymen.

7. Media Industry Skewering and the "Worst Persons In The World"

Timestamps: [35:08]–[50:52]

• In the classic “Worst Persons in the World”:
  • Harriet Hageman (for callousness/stupidity at a town hall).
  • Bill Maher (for hypocrisy in lecturing celebrities to “shut up” about politics despite considering himself a celebrity).
  • Bari Weiss, now at CBS News, for alleged plans to fire Margaret Brennan and entertain hiring Matt Lauer.
    • “Why not do the newscasts in Chinese? That's a game changer. Matt has the name recognition that could move the needle. So does Charles Manson…” ([47:23]).
  • Recurring motif: TV journalism's descent into nepotism, scandal, and cosmetic calculation.

8. James Thurber Readings & Reflections

Timestamps: [53:30]–[61:58]

• Olbermann reads “The Macbeth Murder Mystery” and “Shake Hands with Bertie Doggett,” infusing literary satire as comic relief.
• Reflects on the timeless relevance of Thurber’s “rampant stupidity” and the joys of classic short stories.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “All you have to do, White House reporters, is blow on it. You remember how to blow, don’t you?” – Keith Olbermann ([08:09])
• “There is more journalism, more honesty, more ethics in the first 600 words of this podcast today than there has been so far in all of QAnon and what it did with the subject of sex trafficking...” – Keith Olbermann ([14:27])
• On Musk’s denial:
  “Just ask him about the deleted tweet from Saturday… ‘I have been to any of Epstein’s party, his plane, or his island’...” ([12:10])
• On Bill Maher’s hypocrisy:
  “So celebrity really matters to him... And he’s telling celebrities to just shut the f up, that they’re not sensible, that they’re not in touch with reality. Well, okay, Bill, we haven’t agreed on much since 2012, maybe, but if you want to be a self-loathing celebrity… okay.” ([43:37])
• On CBS and Bari Weiss:
  “She needs a game changer fast, one insider says. Why not do the newscasts in Chinese? That's a game changer… Matt has the name recognition that could move the needle. So does Charles Manson. This is the CBS Evening News with Charles Manson.” ([47:23])
• On journalistic courage:
  “Whatever happens next, you will have served your country for the first time, maybe in your careers, certainly in the last year, maybe in the last 10 years, maybe in the last 25 years.” ([07:19])
• Summation:
  “Ask the questions… Do you want to get fired after you do something that might save the country? Or do you want to get fired when Bari Weiss decides she needs to rehire Matt Lauer instead of you? That’s your choice.” ([76:20])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Epstein/Press Corps “Blueprint”: [02:43]–[16:21]
• Expanding on Epstein Ties (Musk, Rubio, Bannon, etc.): [09:57]–[13:47]
• Media Ethics, QAnon, and Double Standards: [14:27]–[17:51]
• Don Lemon’s Arrest and Trump’s Obsession: [18:38]–[22:40]
• Immigration Law/DHS-ICE Stand-off: [22:50]–[25:49]
• Georgia Ballots and Gabbard Conspiracies: [25:50]–[31:00]
• Worst Persons in the World: [35:08]–[50:52]
• James Thurber Stories: [53:30]–[61:58]

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Tone and Language

Olbermann’s language is confrontational, witty, sarcastic, and often hyperbolic. The episode is laced with gallows humor, mockery, and pop culture references (“craps his pants again...", "Press yous Face", "world’s dumbest human being"). His tone shifts fluidly between righteous anger, exasperation, and storytelling playfulness, especially during the Thurber readings.

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Conclusion

This episode is a caustic, far-reaching call for journalists (and listeners) not just to confront the powerful but to reclaim the watchdog role of the free press amid mounting scandals. Through detailed, vivid hypotheticals and direct rhetorical instruction, Olbermann sketches both the urgency and the absurdity of contemporary American political and media life, maintaining his trademark blend of biting critique and dark comedy.

Transcript

[Keith Olbermann]

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[Keith Olbermann]

With Keith Olbermann is a production of iHeartRadio. Would you like to collapse the Trump regime today peacefully? You the White House press corps only really takes one of you, though it would be better with a dozen of you working together. Here's what you do. You go into the next Oval Office scrum and you ask him politely for his explanation of something that was just released by his administration by Pam Bondi's office on the government website. Todd Blanch was there and you read quoting this FBI 302 interview file, quote, Maxwell presented her to Trump. By the things Maxwell said it was clear that she was available and don't stop reading and don't make eye contact. And then from the sworn affidavit read quote, I personally witnessed defendant Trump telling the plaintiff that she couldn't ever say anything if she didn't want to disappear like the 12 year old female redacted and that he was capable of having her who family killed. Quote, the physical and sexual abuse that I personally witnessed of minor females at the hands of Mr. Trump and Mr. Epstein under penalty of perjury, even though I fully understand that the life of myself and my family is now in grave danger. What sir is your explanation sir, about when you threaten this girl's life, sir, and then if you can still get any more of your colleagues to do their jobs too, then they read and they don't stop reading. They don't make eye contact. They just keep reading. He talks, they keep talking louder. What sir, is your explanation sir, of quote, complainant reported being threatened by Trump's then head of security that if she ever talked of what went on there or who she saw, she would end up as fertilizer for the back nine holes like the other C words. Then yet another member of the White House press corps needs to ask about Epstein's emails telling the ex Prime Minister of Norway how the Russian thug Sergei Lavrov should handle Trump when he handled Trump. And a fourth needs to ask about the calendar girls contest and measuring and penetration that we know about because Trump's own Department of justice revealed it in a document production ordered by a law signed by Donald Effing Trump. Then one more member of the White House press corps, if there are any left, has to ask, sir, since many of the crimes alluded to in the Epstein document dump do not have statutes of limitations and since you've been convicted in court of you know, sex stuff. And since there is that Access Hollywood tape and that's still on the Internet somewhere, where's the special prosecutor for the Epstein conspiracy? I mean, Epstein is dead, but the crimes live on, don't they, sir? Don't you need to have a big, powerful, beautiful special prosecutor, sir? Where's your goddamned administration's commitment to put these people in prison, sir? Why, sir, are you covering up not the Epstein files anymore, sir. Why you Donald Trump? Why are you covering up the Epstein criminals? You guys do this quick enough, we can wrap this up by nightfall. Whatever happens next, if. If the White House press corps actually decided, hey, let's try this, because our lives are pretty much wasted doing this as it is and we have no futures in the industry. Cuz either he's going to eliminate the free press or, or there's gonna be a real. A real news media again in this country. In which case none of us will ever get fired again. Cuz we totally lost it during the Trump administration and we became just props. That's the way they have to think it now. That's the way you have to think it now. White House correspondents. Because whatever happens next, White House correspondents. He swears at you, he threatens you, he screams, he runs away, he craps his pants again. Or worst of all possible things, he craps his pants again and runs away at the same time. What's he gonna do, have you expelled? My God, that. That gives you a day off at least. Whatever happens next, you will have. You will have served your country for the first time, maybe in your careers, certainly in the last year, maybe in the last 10 years, maybe in the last 25 years. The White House press corps has been going to hell in a handbasket for longer than I was a member of it. But whatever happens next, you will have served your country. And you will also be on your job longer than he will. It is a White House house of cards. And as big as they build it and as menacingly as they talk about it, and as willing as they are to kill you over it, it's still made out of cards. And knowing his history with casinos, they're probably the cheap cards that aren't even correctly laminated and they begin to tear when you them knock down the effing house of cards, won't you? All you have to do, White House reporters, is blow on it. You remember how to blow, don't you? And by the way, for your bosses, tremendous profits in getting people to read your news or watch your news videos. I Don't know if you knew that the truth. It's actually a tremendous market. That's the whole angry American niche now. Lucrative. Lucrative. So now do you also want to get Elon Musk expelled from the country today peacefully, next time he's anywhere? Tech reporters. Mr. Musk, excuse me. What do do your. Your questions in your emails to Jeffrey Epstein mean? I'm thinking, sir, what day, night, will be the wildest party on your island, unquote, and quote, I really want to hit the party scene. Is there a good time to visit, unquote. And then the whole thing where he makes the joke about going to see the UN and you're not with it enough to understand he's joking, so you take him seriously and you say you'd never waste your time on the U.N. you imply you just would go for parties. And then. And then, sir, why did you contact Epstein after 2008 when Epstein was already convicted of child sex trafficking? And what about you is in the unreleased half of the Epstein files? Mr. Musk, whatever happens next, tech reporters, he swears, he screams, he runs away. He takes away your Starlink, He has you expelled. He takes his Tesla truck back. He gets pale. He gets pale. How could you tell? Whatever happens next, you will have served your country for once. And. And you will be on your job longer than he will. I mean, even. Just ask him about the deleted tweet from Saturday. That deleted tweet, quote, of course, they are trying to deflect responsibility to me from the truly guilty. I have been to any of Epstein's party, his plane, or his island, unquote. I have been to any of Epstein's party, his plane, or his island, unquote. Dr. Freud, just ask him about that. It was a typo. Excuse me. I have to get on a plane for Mars. Now. Now, while we're at this, do you want to get Marco Rubio fired from the Cabinet? Or Narco Rubio, as somebody called him. Love that. Narco Rub. Rubio. You go to him and you hold up a finger in front of your face so he has something to concentrate on while you're talking, and he'll remember to stop rubbing whatever he's rubbing on his gums. And you ask him, state Department, press corps. You ask him, what the hell is this? Epstein emailed Michael Wolfe, your friend Bondi over at justice just released, where Epstein writes, quote, I assume you already know that the original misspelled funder for the dossier misspelled was Rubio. Not sure why. It seems so mysterious. And. And Ask him, sir, is that you? Rubio, he means. Or is that Rubio the footballer on the team in Bucharest, or Jorge Rubio of the 1967 California Angels? Which Rubio is he talking about? And you want to get Howard Lutnick fired from the Cabinet? This might be something that would get bipartisan support. You want to get Howard Lutnick fired from the Cabinet after the Epstein files show his email to Epstein 7 years and contact 12 years after he claims he cut off his across the hall neighbor Epstein forever. You want to get Trump's new pick for the Fed, Kevin Warch, withdrawn? Do you want to bury Steve Bannon and his thousands of texts with Epstein? Do you want to get the disgraced director of the Melania vanity film or horror film fired? Brett Ratner, the one in the photos with the young girls? Do you want to get the fascist stooge Barry Weiss fired by the Ellisons, one of the key people she's hiring to replace the actual journalist at CBS, Dr. Peter Attia. Attia. A thousand emails between Barry Weiss's new journalist Attia and Epstein. A thousand. And at least one between Barry Weiss's wife and Epstein asking her how introducing Bari Weiss to her folks went. You wouldn't even have to ask that question on the air, CBS News. You could just remind the Ellisons and suggest where this might be leading and how it's never going to go away unless she goes away. And ask them where would the thousand emails and the one from her wife go to to do the most damage to them, the Ellisons personally or, or, or where would all the stuff that's still unreleased in the files go to damage them? The Ellisons worst can ask them that. You don't have to put it on the air. Do I feel skeevy about any of this? Maybe I probably will later. But there is more journalism, more honesty, more ethics in the first 600 words of this podcast today than there has been so far in all of QAnon and what it did with the subject of sex trafficking in which it was weaponized to try to elect a complete like Trump. If I feel better after the cancer is removed from this country, I'll feel better in the interim. I asked two questions in response to that rhetorical question about do I feel skeeby about this when the entirety of American media broke laws, broke grand jury precedents, colluded with one political party, staged events, faked newscasts to try to force a president to resign and to slander a young woman and vaguely hint that maybe she wasn't the only one. And maybe she wasn't the youngest. Did you feel anything skeevy about that? You didn't. I did. I remember. I was there. It's why I quit that job. It was also ultimately why the then president got to stay in office. And the would be American dictator who had engineered the whole distraction of America from the gathering storm of international terrorism so it could instead watch a soap opera he created dressed up as newspaper. Why that president stayed in office, but the would be American dictator got his fired as speaker of the House and why his hand picked successor got fired before he took office as speaker of the House. Cuz he was cheating on his wife and that's when she found out. Remember any of that? Remember where I had to go public and. And look crazy and threaten to sue to get out of my contract with NBC? Cause it was wrong. That's one question I have in response to the idea of do I feel skeevy about this? The other question is, Mr. President, rather than address our quotations about you in your Justice Department's Epstein files from the other day, you crapped your pants and then threw some of it at us. And then you threw us all out of the Oval Office and you shouted to go bomb Iran, which we're told is actually the Secret Service coal code for. For POTUS crapped his pants again. So, sir, with the. With the courtesy here that we're. We're hoping you're feeling better for everyone's sake. What about you? Mr. Trump is in the unreleased half of the Epstein Fil. And while we're here speaking truth to power or truth to incontinence, can we stop reading the regime version of the attempt to disappear this one guy. Don Lemon was arrested for. For. Because Trump has always had a boner for him. And because he's black and because he's gay and because he covered an anti ice protest that they had disguised as a, you know, religious ceremony. He was not arrested for, I don't know, questioning why a church is doubling as a political venue and still has tax exempt status. Not for denying people their right to worship in the First Church of the Gooey Death and Republican Party. Don Lemon was arrested for being at an anti ice protest and publicizing it. And because Trump hates him. I mean, he. He hates others too. Don was just foolish enough to leave his flank open, which is Don in a nutshell, for Christ's sakes. I love Don. But he did once ask one of his guests on CNN if that Malaysian airliner might have disappeared into hole that was only big enough to only swallow it up and was not, oh, the size of the small black holes, you know, 40 miles in diameter, that's done all over. Anyway, this had nothing to do with churches any more than it had to do with black holes. That lunatic who is too lunatic even for Maga, Valentina Gomez, who was running for something in Missouri and washed out, and now she's running for something else in Texas because I think they threw her out of Missouri. She busted into an LGBTQ friendly church a month ago, like a month ago today in New Braunfels, and they didn't arrest her. And if Trump's religious police were gonna judge shop and grand jury shop until they could get some bunch of racists to punish Don Lemon for heresy, they sure as shit could find a judge or grand jury to punish Valentina Gomez for heresy. Because it couldn't have just been about Don Lemon, could it? Wasn't it about trying to make an example out of somebody who the President has sparred with? Dana Bash said with great enthusiasm in her interview with Todd Blanch yesterday. And Blanche answers, quote, I don't even know that the President's even ever thought of Don Lemon. Ron Filipkowski points out that Trump has posted about Don Lemon just on Truth Social 10 times in 3 years when he hadn't even had a show. But not more recently than Saturday, 2023. Trump wrote, quote, good news. The dumbest man on television, Don Lemon, has finally been fired from Fake News cnn. My only question is, what took them so long? I don't know, Donnie. Maybe they were waiting for you to bribe, threaten, or blackmail them. These seem to be the three animating principles of your administration. Donnie, corrupt, minari, extort, carry, bribe, threatened, blackmail. Now Don is lucky. Little tiny economy size Greg Bevino, who decided to mock a prosecutor's Jewish faith, a Trump prosecutor's Jewish faith, because, gee, guess what? Greg Movino acts just as Nazi as he looks. Don Lemon is lucky that ICE is now claiming it can enter homes without warrants if they think there's a flight risk, and they didn't do that with him. And Senator Ron Johnson, who has yet to actually prove by his deeds that he acts on behalf of this country, says that there's law and then there's immigration law, which is something different. You can do anything you want to under immigration law, in part because the Trump Reich has convinced itself of this and in part because Ron is fantastically stupid. Also, I'm not convinced any of this is his original language. And on the other hand, some Democratic senators snatched victory out of the jaws of defeat while some of their colleagues were still trying to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory by manipulating the rules so that the funding of DHS and ICE will only last through a week from Friday. And in the interim they will. God help us negotiate. God help us with the fascists over. You know how many bullets you get to use when you shoot the next Renee Goode and Alex Preddy and break into a home somewhere and take a five year old kid and it takes a to get him out of the clink. And I still think the best negotiation here starts the same way with this. Sir, this document your Department of Justice produced that references penetration. What's all this penetration about? You ever noticed there was a lot of penetration? And what's this about 12 year old girls and just ask him every day until he craps his pants in front of everybody again in the Oval Office? Well no, that only covers like another day. Keep asking it at least all week. Everybody bring in the old nose pins. We used to have the old pins with which you used to hang up the laundry on the drying line and put them over your nose. Clothes pins were the technical term for the. And somebody, somebody go in there today and get his reaction to one, just one social media post, just one, Please, somebody please read this to him and ask him for his reaction. Quote, remember when we learned that our wealthiest and most powerful people were connected to a guy who ran a literal child sex trafficking ring and then that guy died mysteriously in jail and now we just don't talk about him? Sir, what's your thought of that? About that quote, that was a social media post. What do you think about that? That was on X. What do you think about that, sir? Remember when we learned that our wealthiest and most powerful people were connected to a guy who ran a literal child sex trafficking ring and then that guy died mysteriously in jail and now we just don't talk about it? What's your comment, Mr. President? J.D. vance, September 3, 2021, what's your comment, sir? What did the Vice President mean by that, sir? If you're not too busy being carried outta here on a training potty, sir. Oh, and while you're here, Mr. Vice President, one question about this. Now we just don't talk about it. What? Now you just don't want to talk about it? Now to circle back to the seizure of those ballots in Georgia all the way back last Wednesday years ago with Tulsi Gabbard, the Director of National Intelligence, who is the worst possible Advertisement for the product her department supposedly handles. Tulsi Gabbard standing there in Georgia like a lady of the evening who cannot find the right street corner. Am I supposed to be here? I brought my flower. Are you confused that the FBI has seized ballots in Atlanta from six years ago? Are you surprised that the Democrats fixed the 2020 election when you didn't know about it while Trump was in charge, but they didn't fix it in 2024 while the Democrats were in charge? Are you wondering, isn't the Statute of limitations 5 years in Georgia, or is everything just still a little slower in the great state of Georgia? Are you wondering what the F. Tulsi Gabbard was doing there? I mean, like really wondering. Like she was wondering what she was doing there. Like she wonders where she's anywhere at a given moment. Are you amazed that Trump reposted 56 especially crazy conspiracy theories, most of them about the 2020 election in a one hour span last Wednesday night as the raid was taking place? Is that what's bothering you, bunky? Well, sorry, but I told you so. The ballot seizure is the setup for what I suggested here a week and a half ago. January 22, Trump is setting up, softening the ground for some big push, about 2020 arrests, if he can do it. Indictments, promises to drag in Biden and Obama and Rutherford B. Hayes. I don't know. And not just because Trump's damaged minds, inability to accept his defeat, any defeat grows by the hour. I mean, MAGA lost a special state Senate election in Texas Saturday night in a district that Trump had won by 17 a year ago. And Trump's response was, I had nothing to do with it. Even though he campaigned for the loser. His name was Wham Scans, by the way, for you baseball fans. Wham Scans for you succession fans. It's not just that Trump's brain and his ability to accept unwelcome thwarting news is down to zero. But this is also. I mean, there was an intention here to fire up the base. None of this has to be true. Or even not laugh out loud stupid. It just has to be. They just have to say it. And so the base just has to see it. It is the simplest of dog whistles. So you start talking about it again. Base. It is reassurance that they're not crazy, even though they are. That he did win in 2020, even though he lost. He just let them completely down on Epstein. He has to give some conspiracy that they're not victims of. He's just late getting it ready. They will take those Georgia ballots and do something with them. I'm thinking of the. Of the late great Art Metrano. Da da da da da da da da. The guy who used to bang his fingers together and the whole comedy bit was he was a magician who made different numbers of fingers appear on his hand hands. Da da da da da da da da da da. That's what they're going to do with the ballots. Gabbard is there because to sell this they have to make it international because there is a statute of limitations, but not for international actions of some kind. Acts of war. The idea that the election was fixed domestically has been disproved nonstop for five years and in several hundred courtrooms. And there is no further prosecution possible. So it has to be space lasers. And the perfect front person for this would be the world's dumbest human being, Tulsi Gabbard. She's not a Russian asset because even the Russians would be offended by the use of the term asset. Asset? I thought you said asshole. Only she could read this post by Donald Trump, Trump on Truth Social and say, I can do something with this. A retweet from the skiff with a logo that appears to be an Area 51 alien. Maria Zach testified about the stolen 2020 election operation connected to Obama when he had diverted $400 million from the infamous pallets of cash sent to Iran, funneling through the Dubai embassy to operatives in Italy and Merrill lynch in Geneva, Switzerland. In return, Italian officials at Leon Spa used military satellites to help hack US voting machines, flipping votes from Trump to Biden using CIA developed tools like Hammer and scorecard, along with numerous other methods of fraud and manipulation. China reportedly coordinating the whole operation, providing the tech backbone and bribes to corrupt Americans. The CIA oversaw it, the FBI covered it up. All to install Biden as a puppet. This is the global election fraud cartel and the real threat against American democracy and the rest of the world. Gotta give Trump land credit for. For making it so diverse. Obama. So that's Kenya, Iran, Dubai, Italy, Switzerland, the CIA, FBI, Biden. That's pretty good. A lot of DEI hires in this conspiracy, boys. I find the most interesting part here. It only cost $400. $400 million to fix the election. That's the price of fixing an American election. $400 million. Like there aren't donors who could produce that before. Before the theme plays. $400 million. At least make it $400 billion. The skiff. Seriously, what to watch here is when Trump circles back to Venezuela because he has an Asset. Now, to make this sing, he is doubtless offering Maduro this deal. As I said a week and a half ago, confess you helped Fix the 2020 election for Biden. In other words, make something up. We can go over it and come up with something good. It doesn't have to be that good. And I will pardon you and you can go live on an island somewhere smoking cigars and getting your hair cut. Or. Or. Or you know what else we can do for you? Now, I couldn't have done this before. I can now get you your own public affairs TV show. I'll call the Ellisons. And Barry, my wife is in the Epstein files. Weiss. I'll call them. Wait. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. Nick. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. This is the CBS Evening News with Nicholas Maduro. Also of interest here. Well, there's another Bari Weiss story about maybe hiring Matt Lauer, which sounds far fetched even for her, though she is a moron. So who knows? This is the CBS Evening News with Matt Lauer and Nicholas Maduro. And wait till you hear about the pretzel that Bill Maher twisted himself into insisting that voters do not listen to Hollywood celebrities. But Bill, if they don't listen to Hollywood celebrities, either they don't listen to you or Bill. You just decided that you're not a celebrity. And how could you not be a celebrity? You've been telling me you were a celebrity since 1970. Effing8, that's next. This is gonna done. Here's something that'll freak you out. Most people think their insurance will cover them if disaster strikes. But here's the truth. Many are wrong. You pay your premiums, you assume you're protected. Then the fine print hits, exclusions, limits, loopholes. And suddenly that coverage you counted on isn't really coverage at all. It's not your agent's fault. Their job is to sell policies. But you need someone in your corner who protects you, not the insurance company. My policy advocate takes your actual policies, home, life, auto, whatever you got and breaks them down in plain English. They show you what's really covered and what isn't. Here's the best part. Costs just 27 cents a day. That's less than a cup of coffee for peace of mind, to make sure your family is protected when it matters most. When a disaster hits, you don't want surprises, you want certainty. So before you assume you're covered, go to mypolicyadvocate.com let them review your policy. You might be shocked at what you find. My policy.

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Friday Kick off the Winter Olympics in style with the Opening Ceremony from Italy featuring a special performance by Mariah Carey. Celebrate the greatest athletes from around the globe as they come together to go for gold. Lipsychon Sensational the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics.

[Keith Olbermann]

Ilia Malinin redefining this Sport Friday at.

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8 Eastern, 7 Central on NBC and.

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[Keith Olbermann]

Still ahead on this edition of countdown, so much Thurber, so little time. If you have felt particularly overwhelmed this week by stupid people whose last moment of life will be themselves complimenting themselves about how smart they themselves are. In other words, if your entire world has already become Barry Weiss this week, may I recommend two of Thurber's stories, one of his subtler dismissals of the rampant stupidity of what Mencken called the Boob Wazee. The Macbeth murder mystery. If you've never heard this before, I'm going to go out on a limb here. You will love it. The second one, a little less subtle. It is called Meet Birdie Doggett. It's about a practical joker. It's simply, it's simply cold eggs in people's pockets. A good thing for people like Bari Weiss. Coming up first, believe it or not, there's still more new idiots to talk about. The roundup of the miscreants morons and Dun and Kruger effect specimens who constitute today other worst persons in the world. Can you tell I have a head cold because I can't talk oddly. My voice is kind of. Okay, it's, it's. The head cold is like can no longer have a head cold and talk at the same time. I can be sick or I can make sense. Just read the script, Keith. It's much easier than bronze. The worse. Harriet Hageman, you know her. She's the congresswoman you look at and you go, what the hell is that? She is the Trumpist who betrayed Liz Cheney when Liz did not betray America. She's the congresswoman from Wyoming who may best represent the total lack of principles and ethics in MAGA and proves that no how old you are, it's never too late to sell your country out for personal gain. Harriet Effing Hageman. As late as 2016 she was decrying Trump. She was saying her great grandfather moved to wyoming territory in 1878 and he didn't come out here. So this Trump guy, blah blah, blah, blah blah. As late as 2021 she was considered just a peripheral, weird looking non factor in Trump's bid for vengeance against Liz Cheney. And then somehow she convinced him she was the winner. And now she is in the House and running for the Senate. But you know, you can't fool all the people all of the time. Harriet had a town hall at Casper College and she tried to ask about things she wanted to talk about and she was asked about things her constituents wanted to talk about about say the Renee Good and Alex Pretty murders. And she tried to skip them. Quote, I haven't talked about that. I spoke about the Lake and Riley act because it was one of the bills that we passed. I haven't talked about what was going on in Minnesota. I think that I have to look at the investigation. If there were violations of someone's constitutional rights, there is redress. Cause there's a lot of redress for Renee Goode and Alex Preddy. Since they're dead. Now, when I say Harriet Hageman looks weird, I'm complimenting her. She is weird. She's crazy. She's not western. Don't tread on me, Liz Cheney. What is that all about? She's not that. She's not the daughter of a guy who didn't actually have a functioning heart, but just had a machine and sounded like a character from a Mel Brooks picture called Young Frankenstein. No, no, no, no, no. Harriet is genuinely off this planet. She said there is redress. And a questioner from the audience gave her an impossible question in reply to that. You ready? Think of this as the answer to the question or the statement. If there were violations of someone's constitutional rights, there is redress. And then the questioner goes, then why is there no redress? Well, that was it stumped her. That's when the attendees began to wonder again if Hageman might have been a robot or if perhaps she has been carved out of wax or perhaps carved out of an animal based lard of some sort. The questioner continued, they are killing American citizens in the streets and you are doing nothing. You are not saying a single solitary thing to support constituents or to support the American people. As a constitutional lawyer, you should be infuriated, you should be incensed. Why are you not? Now, you could have answered that question, even if your answer was kind of bullshit. You could have come something out there with, well, there was a provocation and something, blah, blah, blah. Just make the effort, Harriet. Make it look like you give one f about people being shot in the streets. Or you have to come up with an excuse or a rationalization for it. Just say one thing that you don't think of beforehand. How will Donald like this or not? As the local reporter covering this event at Casper College College noted at that point, Hageman gathered her folders, waved goodbye and left the stage through a side door exit. Stage right. I mean, to be fair to Hageman's credit, she did not run. And unexpectedly, she did not just dissolve into a small pool of mercury which then slid off the stage. The runner up werser. Oh, look, it's our old friend Bill Maher. It's been a few weeks, Bill. If you were wondering, they've picked him up for a couple of more years. And if you were wondering when is the senility actually kicking in with Bill, we are here. Follow this from the New York Post. He said Hollywood is sort of the epicenter of the woke left. First off, Bill, nobody who has any contact with America anymore says woke. Not even the MAGA are saying woke anymore. They've already exhausted woke in their own minds. And you're just now coming around to saying woke. In any event, Hollywood is sort of the epicenter of the woke. Left, Left. He said in his seven year old lingo. I don't think they're doing the Democratic Party any favors now. Notice he did say Democratic. Watch for that. When he starts saying Democrat Party, then we know he's fully gone off the edge. I think if Democrats want to win elections in the future, job one, Tell the celebrities to just shut the f up. You're not helping. You don't strike people in most of the country as sensible or in touch with reality. Now, it's not a completely ridiculous point of view to say that it's about 50 years old. It has already been expressed by about 5,000 fascists before Bill did. But here's my point. I have met all the egos. I will confess periodically I even have a the ego. But there's a logical flaw here. You don't strike people in most of the country as sensible or in touch with reality. Oh, Bill Maher thinks of himself as a celebrity. I know him since 1978. He thought he was a celebrity in 1978 too. He thinks he's a real celebrity. He thinks he's top 50 in the world. He is openly bitter about everybody else who has ever been praised or recognized. The old idea when you went on his show and you got a laugh or applause. The old Jack Benny, Johnny Carson idea that any laugh on my show is my laugh. In other words, I want you to do well. I want them to laugh at your jokes. I want them to respond well to you because I get the credit for that too. That's not Bill's attitude. Bill will say things like, why were you trying to upstage me out there? In any event, he's openly bitter about anybody else who's ever been praised, who's been recognized. He can tell you to the exact number, how many Emmy awards he has not won, which is 33. So celebrity really matters to him. It validates him to the degree that it does. And he's telling celebrities that they should just shut the f up, that they're not sensible, that they're not in touch with reality. Well, okay, Bill, we haven't agreed on much since 2012. Maybe, but if you wanna be a self loathing celebrity, semi celebrity, discount celebrity, compact size celebrity, okay. Or your other choice is you're talking about celebrities and it doesn't apply to you because you're not shutting up. I mean, just logically speaking, if you're telling people in the public eye should shut up on political opinions, then you're not a celebrity. Interesting Flex, as the kids say, woke. Woke. Seriously, when was the last time you heard the phrase woke used? I mean, the turds on Fox News don't even say woke anymore. But the winner. I bet she does. Bari Weiss of CBS News. I bet she says woke every 34 seconds. Well, you may have heard of her. She's the one whose wife is in the Epstein files. I mean, I am an ally. I'm for gender equality. And you know, anything that's achieved by any part of the community is a success for the entire community. But you have to admit it is a neat trick to be one of only what, 1/10 of 1% of all the people in the Epstein files who are women. I mean there's not a lot of women in this there. Anywho, about Barry Weiss, two extremely different news outlets. Lachlan Cartwright's Breaker and also a substack called Naughty but Nice, about which I know nothing other than this quotation. They are both suggesting Bari Weiss is now looking to exploring, maybe planning to fire Margaret Brennan as the host of Meet the Press or excuse me, of Face the Nation. That's how little there is difference between the shows she's on. Face the Meet, Meet your Nation, your Press yous Nation. Press yous Face. Welcome to Press yous Face. I would watch a political show called Press yous Face. Good evening, I'm Walter Cronkite, CBS News, back from the grave to host for you our new show, Press your Face. Our guest tonight, Press yous Face. Harriet Hageman quoted the strangest breaks in American politics for the year 2026 and 2025. 2024, 2023. That's the way it is. World o' clock tonight, CBS News. Anyway, Margaret, who is the host of Meet the Press, not Press your Face. She's been pretty overmatched by this job from day one. But she has asked like six follow up questions in her real life and sort of sometimes I think she's better at it than Kristen Welker and sometimes I think it's just a tie. In any event, maybe we should just accept what we have here and hope she keeps the job because. Because since the replacement could be Matt Lauer and. Wait, what? That's from the National Enquirer. Again, not a great source, but who's a great source anymore? Quote, Matt Lauer has his sights set on a TV comeback eight years after he was axed from the Today show. By the way, I worked with people who would have been happy to see him actually axed from the Today show. Can you clean that up? I'm bringing in my family later on so we can dance on his remains, the Insider added. Matt wants to get back into the media arena in some capacity, if not tv. He has talked to some people about it, about buying a transistor radio. Matt, have you thought about that? The Insider added. Well, as reported last month in the Inquirer, Lauer is already looking at possible options, including an unlikely alliance with fellow TV news pariahs. There's only like 73,000 of them. Multiple sources report he's been holding talks with new CBS News boss Barry Weiss, who's under intense pressure to deliver a headline grabbing win at the struggling network. Quote, she needs a game changer fast, one insider says. Why not do the newscasts in Chinese? That's a game changer. It's not as bad an idea as some of her other ideas so far. That's a game changer. Matt has the name recognition that could move the needle. So does Charles Manson. This is the CBS Evening News with Charles Manson. However, this bit about Lauer would seemingly be in conflict with the that earlier substack report I referenced, which is that Bari Weiss is shopping around for talent that is younger, hotter and male camera ready men. Inside the newsroom, the message is getting louder by the day. Experience is optional, loyalty is irrelevant, and looking good on camera is suddenly a job requirement. So you may remember. Well, speaking of looking, Matt Lauer went from being the face of NBC News to utterly unemployable after the number of plausible allegation cases ranging from harassment to horrifying how that number reached such dimensions. It reached so high that the number had to be expressed as an exponent. Like he's been accused two to the seventh times. So standby. Maybe it's that this is the CBS Evening News with Matt Lowell when Tony decouple just isn't camera ready enough. Courtesy of Bari Weiss, Today's worst Person I think my crot eyed impression's getting better in the world. Most people think their insurance will cover them when disaster strikes. The truth? Many are wrong. You pay premiums and assume you're protected until the fine print hits, exclusions, limits, loopholes. Suddenly that coverage isn't coverage at all. My policy advocate reviews your policies Home, Auto, Life and breaks them down in plain English. They show what's really cover and what isn't it costs just 27 cents a day, less than a cup of coffee. For peace of mind before you assume you're covered, go to mypolicyadvocate.com you might be shocked at what you find. Mypolicyadvocate.com Friday kick off the Winter Olympics.

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In style with the opening ceremony from Italy featuring a special performance by Mariah Carey. Celebrate the greatest athletes from around the globe as they come together to go for gold. The opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics, redefining the Sport Friday at 8 Eastern, 7 Central on NBC and Peacock.

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[Keith Olbermann]

The Macbeth murder mystery by James Thurber. It was a stupid mistake to make, said the American woman I had met at my hotel in the English Lake country. But it was on the counter with the other Penguin books, the little sixpenny ones, you know, with the paper covers. And I supposed of course it was a detective story. All the others were detective stories. I'd read all the others. So I bought this one without really looking at it carefully. You can Imagine how mad I was when I found it was Shakespeare. I murmured something sympathetically. I don't see why the Penguin bookspeople had to get out Shakespeare's plays in the same size and everything as the detective stories went on, my companion I think they have different colored jackets, I said. Well, I didn't notice that, she said. Anyway, I got real comfy in bed that night and all ready to read a good mystery story. And here I had the Tragedy of Macbeth, a book for high school students like. Like Ivanhoe or Lorna Doone, I said. Exactly, said the American lady. And I was just crazy for a good Agatha Christie or something. Hercule Poirot is my favorite detective. Is he the rabbity one? I asked. Oh, no, said my crime fiction expert. He's the Belgian one you're thinking of, Mr. Pinkerton, the one that helps Inspector Bull. He's good, too. Over her second cup of tea, my companion began to tell me the plot of a detective story that had fooled her completely. It seems it was the old family doctor all the time. But I cut in on her. Tell me, I said. Did you read Macbeth? I had to read it, she said. There wasn't a scrap of anything else to read in the whole room. Did you like it? I asked. No, I did not, she said decisively. In the first place, I don't think for a moment that Macbeth did it. I looked at her blankly. Did what? I asked. I don't think for a moment that he killed the king, she said. I don't think the Macbeth woman was mixed up in it either. You suspect them the most, of course, but those are the ones that are never guilty. Or shouldn't be, anyway. I'm afraid, I began, that I. But don't you see, said the American lady, it would spoil everything if you could figure out right away who did it. Shakespeare was too smart for that. I've read that. People never have figured out Hamlet, so it isn't likely Shakespeare would have made Macbeth as simple as it seems. I thought this over while I filled my pipe. Who do you suspect? I asked suddenly. Macduff, she said promptly. Good God, I whispered softly. Oh, Macduff did it, all right, said the murder specialist. Urcule Poirot. Would have gotten him easily. How did you figure it out? I demanded. Well, she said, I didn't right away. At first I suspected Banquo, and then, of course, he was the second person killed. That was good. Right in there, that part. The person you suspect of the first murder should always be the second victim. Is that so? I murmured. Oh, yes, said my informant. They have to keep surprising you. Well, after the second murder, I didn't know who the killer was for a while. How about Malcolm and Donald Bain, the king's sons? I asked. As I remember it, they fled right after the first murder. That looks suspicious. Too suspicious, said the American lady. Much too suspicious. When they flee, they're never guilty. You can count on that, I believe, I said. I'll have a brandy, and I summoned the waiter. My companion leaned toward me, her eyes bright, her teacup quivering. Do you know who discovered Duncan's body? She demanded. I said I was sorry, but I had forgotten. Macduff discovers it, she said, slipping into the historical present. Then he comes running downstairs and shouts. Confusion has broke open the Lord's anointed temple, and sacrilegious murder has made his masterpiece. And on and on like that. The good lady tapped me on the knee. All that stuff was rehearsed, she said. You wouldn't say a lot of stuff like that offhand, would you, if you'd found a body? She fixed me with a glittering eye. I began. You're right, she said. You wouldn't, unless you had practiced it in advance. My God, there's a body in here is what an innocent man would say. She sat back with a confident glare. I thought for a while. But what do you make of the third murderer? I asked. You know, the third murderer has puzzled Macbeth scholars for 300 years. That's because they never thought of Macduff, said the American lady. It was Macduff, I'm certain. You couldn't have one of the victims murdered by two ordinary thugs. The murderer always has to be somebody important. But what about the banquet scene? I asked after a moment. How do you account for Macbeth's guilty actions there? When Banquo's ghost came in and sat in his chair, the lady leaned forward and tapped me on the knee again. There wasn't any ghost, she said. A big strong man like that doesn't go around seeing ghosts, especially in a brightly lighted banquet hall with dozens of people around. Macbeth was shielding somebody. Who was he shielding? I asked. Mrs. Macbeth, of course, she said. He thought she did it, and he was going to take the rap himself. The husband always does that when the wife is suspected. But what I demanded about the sleep walking scene, then? The same thing, only the other way around, said my companion that time. She was shielding him. She wasn't asleep at all. Do you remember where it says, enter Lady Macbeth with a taper? Yes, I said. Well, people who walk in their sleep never carry lights, said my fellow traveller. They have a second sight. Did you ever hear of a sleepwalker carrying a light? No, I said. I never did. Well, then she wasn't asleep. She was acting guilty to shield Macbeth, I think, I said. I'll have another brandy, and I called the waiter when he brought it. I drank it rapidly and rose to go. I believe, I said, that you have got hold of something. Would you lend me that Macbeth? I'd like to look it over to night. I don't feel somehow as if I've ever really read it. I'll get it for you, she said, but you'll find that I'm right. I read the play over carefully that night, and the next morning after breakfast, I sought out the American woman. She was on the putting green, and I came up behind her silently and took her arm. She gave an exclamation. Could I see you alone? I asked in a low voice. She nodded cautiously and followed me to a secluded spot. You found out something, she breathed. I've found out, I said triumphantly, the name of the murderer. You mean it wasn't McDowell? MacDuff, she said. Macduff is as innocent of those murders, I said, as Macbeth and the Macbeth woman. I opened the copy of the play which I had with me and turned to Act 2, Scene 2. Here, I said, you will see where Lady Macbeth says. I laid their daggers ready. He could not miss em. Had he not resembled my father as he slept? I had had done it. Do you see? No, said the American woman bluntly, I don't. But it's simple. I exclaimed. I wonder I didn't see it years ago. The reason Duncan resembled Lady Macbeth's father as he slept is that it actually was her father. Good God, breathed my companion softly. Lady Macbeth's father killed the king, I said, and hearing someone coming, thrust the body under the bed and crawled into the bed himself. But, said the lady, you can't have a murderer who only appears in the story once. You can't have that. I know that, I said, and I turned to Act 2, Scene 4. It says here, enter Ross with an old man. Now that old man is never identified, and it is my contention that he was old Mr. Macbeth, whose ambition it was to make his daughter queen. There you have your motive. But even then, cried the American lady, he's still a minor character. Not, I said gleefully, when you realize that he was also one of the Weird Sisters in disguise. You mean one of those three witches? Precisely, I said. Listen to this speech of the old man's On Tuesday last, a falcon towering in her pride of place was by a mousing owl hawked at and killed. Who does that sound like? It sounds like the way the three witches talk, said my companion reluctantly. Precisely, I said again. Well, said the American woman, maybe you're right. But I'm sure I am, I said. And do you know what I'm going to do now? No, she said. What? Buy a copy of Hamlet, I said, and solve that. My companion's eyes brightened. Then she said, you don't think Hamlet did it? I am, I said, absolutely positive. He did not. But who? She demanded. Who do you suspect? I looked at her cryptically. Everybody, I said, and disappeared into a small grove of trees as silently as I had come. I believe the first time I ever heard James Thurber read aloud it was by William Windham, the great actor who did so much serious stuff, drama, comedy. He's a Star Trek Original series key figure. He did a lot of great acting in so many different roles, and he did a special on PBS when I was in college in which he performed as James Thurber, narrated some of the drawings, recited from memory many of the short stories and many of the longer ones too, and I later had the pleasure of telling him that he was my inspiration for reading James Thurber aloud, and we corresponded about how to possibly improve some of the dicier parts of some of the Thurber stories and make them useful for 21st century America. Mr. Windham died about 10 years ago, and I lament him still. Well, I recorded on tape his Thurber special on pbs, and I still have it. Not videotape, audio tape, a cassette. We didn't have home videotape, although I'm proud to say he sent me a copy of a DVD of the performance and one of the stories he reads, or in fact recites. I will now read for you. It is. I like it very much. It's not considered part of the great canon of James Thurber, but I think it's terrific. And it's called Shake Hands with Bertie Doggett by James Thurber. John Birdie Doggett, known as Birdie to the few people who speak to him, must be 53 now, but he wears his years with a smirk, and he has as bad a practical joker as ever. Other American cutups in the grand tradition began to disappear in October 1929, and they are as hard to find now as bison. But Doggett's waggishness has no calendar. You must have run into him at some party or other. He's the man whose right hand comes off when you try to shake it. The late George Bancroft once pulled that gag in a movie, but that was so long ago, the picture must be a cherished item in the Museum of Modern Art's film library. Even now, when everybody else was was running the gamut of bomb fear from A to H. Birdie Doggett was at Grand Central with one roller skate, which he managed to attach to the shoe of a man sleeping on a bench. When the fellow woke and stood up, he described a brief, desperate semicircle clutched a woman shopper about the knees, dragged her and her bundles to the cold floor, and was attacked by her muzzled Scotty. Doggett, as always, was the first to lend a hand, helping the woman to her feet and then turning to the man. Where the hell's your other skate? He demanded sharply. That's what caused all this trouble. He took his skate off the victim's foot and disappeared into the crowd that had begun to gather. What's the matter over there? A small man asked him apprehensively. Doggett shrugged. Ah, they found a woman with a ticking package, he said. Said the other man turned and left the station. Missing the train. He had told his wife he would take. Doggett's pranks usually have the effect of involving people on their far edges, one or two of whom have been divorced as a result. A publisher I know thinks Doggett would make a good story. I disagree because I don't think there's anything good about the fellow, but I have done some checking up on him out of force of habit. His father, the late Carol Lamb Doggett, was a Methodist minister and his mother was a witch, born Etta June Birdie. When her son was only 10, she taught him how to set strangers umbrellas on fire after an April shower. She would sally forth with the little hellion. They lived in Dayton in search of a citizen with a floppy umbrella. After an April shower, Dayton men lower their umbrellas without bothering to roll. The Mrs. Doggett would hunt until she found a man waiting for a streetcar, his umbrella sagging open at his side. She would then surreptitiously fill the umbrella with paper, several dozen kitchen matches, and perhaps one or two ping pong balls. As the streetcar approached, she would drop a lighted match into the umbrella. Now hell hath no dismay like that of a gentleman whose wet umbrella suddenly bursts into flame. Instead of rolling the thing to smother the blaze or simply throwing it away. Nine out of 10 men, according to Doggett's statistics will flail it around in the air, thus increasing the conflagration. Many of Mrs. Doggett's victims were arrested for disturbing the peace or for arson. Birdie Doggett has never been much interested in the exasperating paraphernalia of the trick and puzzle shops. Ah, he still uses the wax hand. And he has tried out dribble glasses, whoopee cushions, the foul smelling stuff you put on chair bottoms to make people think they have just sat on a lighted cigarette and other such juvenile props. But they never got a real hold on his fancy. He liked the elaborate rib involving a lot of people. The more the better. He will take a sack full of cold poached eggs to some crowded Fifth Avenue store at Christmas time and slip them one at a time into the pockets of shoppers husbands. And he dreams of bumping into a woman visitor in the ancient glass and crystal room of some museum, dropping an ordinary table tumbler on the tile floor and sobbing sweet God lady, you have broken the sa chalice of King Alexander. And making her believe it. He has pulled this gag over and over since 1924, but never successfully, with the result that he has appeared 16 times in Jefferson Market Court alone on charges of disturbing the peace, jostling and molestation. What Doggett probably enjoys more than anything else is following a couple of women along Fifth Avenue or Madison, keeping discreetly out of sight but well within earshot until he hears one of the two ladies call the other by name. He says that women are fond of using each other's full name, as in lie Miriam Shirtle. I never heard of such a thing in all my born days. As soon as Ms. Shirtle, let us say, has thus been fully identified, Doggett will walk briskly ahead for several blocks and then retrace his steps. This soon brings him face to face with his quarry, upon whom he will pounce with a delighted why, Miriam Shirtl Fancy meeting you here. Uncross those lovely I's and tell me how you been. A young woman he once accosted like this in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, asked him to her house for cocktails in the hope that some member of her family would know who he was. But nobody was home. His hostess turned out to be a bore. So Bertie put knockout drops in her second martini and after she had passed out, he stole a marble plaque of Kitchener from her mother's room and he went away. The next day it arrived at the Shirtles, beautifully wrapped and bearing a card with the simple legend Merry Christmas from the President of the United States. John Bertie Doggett married a tapioca brain one afternoon 20 years ago, possibly because he had lost a bet, nobody knows. He took her to his house and told her to wait in the living room while he went upstairs and quieted his two Great Danes. He put a record of a dog fight on a phonograph he kept in his bedroom and slipped quietly out the back door at 3 in the morning. Morning. He showed up in the living room with two match players, Lou Getling and Vic Talbot. Who is this disconsolate female? Talbot demanded, fairly oozing an incurable antipathy to games of chance and cunning. The bride drew herself up stiffly. I am Mrs. John Birdie Doggett, she said, striving for a auteur the name will not sustain. I forgot about her, whined Doggett. After all, we haven't been married 20 or 30 years. You've only been married 11 hours, Mrs. Doggett. The former Ann Quealey went home to her mother, Mrs. Paul W. Queeley, and never saw Birdie again. I join her in the fervent hope that he may someday choke on his candied dice and pass forever out of our consciousness. He is a hard man to forget, though. I never start to get out of a chair, no matter where I am, without glancing at my shoes to see if I am wearing one roller skate and feeling in my pockets for old cold egg. A Thurber Double header. Ah yes. Now back to resume our inspection of the area around us and the continuing mounting evidence that this is hell and that the traditional Judeo Christian hell is actually like just a like a large office of the Department of Motor Vehicles. I've done all the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening. Most of our Countdown music was arranged, produced and performed by Brian Ray on guitars, bass and drums by John Philip Chenale handling orchestration and keyboards. They are obviously our musical directors of Countdown. Their music was produced by TKO Brothers. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by the best baseball stadium organist at Nancy Foust. The sports music is the olderman theme for ESPN2 written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc. Other music arranged and performed by no Horns Allowed James Thurber Written by James Thurber. My announcer today was my friend Larry David. This program was produced by Ted. Everything else was, as always, my fault. Thanks Countdown for today. Day 379 of America held hostage again but just 1,084 days until the scheduled end of his lame duck and lame brained term unless he is removed by sooner by Epstein. Just Epstein. It's not difficult. Ask the questions. Your major point at this point in news in the White House is do you want to get fired after you do something that might save the country? Or do you want to get fired when Bari Weiss decides she needs to rehire Matt Lauer instead of you? That's your choice. Which would you rather do? This does not apply if you work at ABC or NBC. There are separate fresh hells there. The next scheduled countdown is Thursday. Bulletins is the news merits until the next one. I'm Keith Alderman. Good morning, good afternoon, good night and good luck. Countdown with Keith Olbermann is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Most people think their insurance will cover them when disaster strikes. The truth? Many are wrong. You pay premiums and assume you're protected until the fine print hits, exclusions, limits, loopholes. Suddenly that coverage isn't coverage at all. My policy advocate reviews your policies, Home, Auto Life and breaks them down in plain English. They show what's really covered and what isn't. It costs just 27 cents a day less than a cup of coffee. For peace of mind, before you assume you're covered, go to mypolicyadvocate.com you might be shocked at what you find. Mypolicyadvocate.com do you actually know Ball well?

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