Transcript

Pat (0:03)

Kids, they grow up so fast.

Mike (0:06)

One day they're taking their first steps, and the next they don't fit into the tiny sneakers they took them in.

Pat (0:11)

You blink your eyes and their princess dress is two sizes too small.

Mike (0:15)

And their dinosaur backpack isn't cool anymore. But don't cry because they're growing up. Smile because you can profit off of it. For real, there are a bunch of parents on depop looking for the stuff.

Pat (0:27)

Your kid just grew out of.

Mike (0:30)

Download depop to start selling. Toast the holidays in a new way.

Pat (0:34)

And raise a glass of Rumchata, a delicious, creamy blend of horchata with rum. Enjoy it over ice or in your coffee. Rumchata. Your holiday cocktails just got sweeter.

Mike (0:45)

Tap or click the banner for more. Drink responsibly. Caribbean rum with real dairy cream, natural and artificial flavors.

Pat (0:51)

Alcohol 13.75% by volume, 27.5 proof.

Mike (0:54)

Pat (0:57)

Pat (1:00)

I'm from Pontiac, Michigan.

Mike (1:02)

Oh, Michigan. Oh, okay. You close by Detroit?

Pat (1:04)

Yeah, yeah, I'm real close. I'm like five minutes from Detroit.

Mike (1:06)

Oh, and you, you from.

Obi (1:08)

No. Born Nigeria, and then I lived in Chicago my whole life, too.

Mike (1:12)

So wait, how did y' all meet?

Obi (1:13)

College in Chicago.

Pat (1:14)

We played college football here.

Mike (1:15)

Oh, God. I'm about to say the gym. Something had to be, y'.

Summary

Crash Dummies Podcast: "From The Passenger Seat w/ Malik B"

Release Date: December 10, 2025
Hosts: Patrick Johnson (Pat), Michael Esiobu (Mike)
Guest: Malik B
Summary By: [Podcast Summarizer]

Episode Overview

In this lively episode of the Crash Dummies Podcast, hosts Pat and Mike are joined by comedian and viral content creator Malik B for a hilarious and unpredictable ride through relationship dilemmas, dating culture, social observations, and some absolutely wild listener call-ins. With their trademark banter and unfiltered commentary, the trio dives deep into why people act the way they do (especially men in relationships), the intricacies of “toxic” behavior, and what it means to find peace and happiness in both love and life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Origins & Friendship

How They Met:
- Pat hails from Pontiac, Michigan, just outside Detroit.
- Mike teases him about meeting at the gym, but Pat and guest Obi met through college football in Chicago.
- “The gym would not be like, a good story. Like, oh, this your best friend y’all met at the gym?” (Pat, 01:21)

The “Gym Towel” Hypothetical

The hosts joke about gym etiquette, washing up, and the awkwardness of sharing towels and laundry mishaps in a locker room.
Pat’s coaching days: Pat recalls confronting a player about dirty underwear, leading to riffs about relationship stress manifesting in bizarre ways.
“Like, I actually had a conversation where I’m like, bro, your underwear not supposed to be looking like that.” (Pat, 02:55)

Viral Content & Its Real-World Consequences

Malik’s Content Creation:
- Malik discusses drawing inspiration from real-life situations—his own and his friends'.
- “This is what my friends tell me, what they go through. I’m like, oh, okay. That can be, like, good content. I just think of, like, what will I do in that situation?” (Mike/Malik B, 05:57)
Backlash & Threats:
- Some men hate Malik’s videos, especially because, as Pat points out, he writes both male and female perspectives:
- “What I appreciate about it is that I know you’re writing for the woman’s part, too. A lot of people miss that part.” (Pat, 08:12)
- Malik has even received threats for revealing “secrets” in relationships and for skits set in the military.

The Red Pill vs. “Troll” Content

The group jokes about the pressures to “sell out” for content.
"If I make money off it, I'm going that way." (Pat, 09:48)
Discussion on gaining social media fame by pushing “red pill” or troll narratives, but acknowledging consequences.

Food, Culture, and Fast Food Rivalries

The hosts and Malik debate whether restaurant chains like Chili’s, Golden Corral, Olive Garden, or Texas Roadhouse are racially “mixed.”
They reminisce about White Castle and Church’s Chicken in Detroit, and talk about Long Lines at popular black-owned food spots.
"You might not make it out, but you're going to have a sandwich!" (Pat, 14:15)

Club Culture: Safety, Sections, and the Decline of Dancing

Women’s Safety in Clubs:
- Pat argues club atmospheres changed because women don’t feel as safe—sections/VIP areas have segregated people.
- Important for DJs and club promoters to foster safer, more inclusive environments.
- “We gotta get back to, like, making it safe for women, and giving them an area where they don’t feel like they gonna be touched on inappropriately.” (Pat, 23:44)
VIP-Industrial Complex:
- Malik reminisces about the rise of “sections” changing club dynamics, making things about money and clout.
- "The club is only for people with clout." (Mike, 28:24)
- Story: Getting “rained on” by Future while in a LA club.

“Huh?”: Relationship Arguments & Defensive Tactics

The guys dissect using “huh?” in relationship arguments to buy time and process tough questions.
Malik talks about stalling and lying to an ex who was a lawyer and always had the facts:
- “When a woman asks you a question, she already has an answer. She already knows.” (Malik, 19:00)
The group jokes that the act of cheating is really “for” their partners—a satirical way to showcase the mental gymnastics of cheaters.
Message: Malik says his skits are about holding “a mirror” up to men—cheating isn’t worth the effort.

Listener Call-ins: Relationship Dilemmas

(See timestamps for direct segments beginning ~34:56)

“Passenger Seat” Dilemma (35:01–41:13)

A caller is “friend-zoned,” goes on a date, sees his date kiss another man at the club, and ends up driving her home.
The trio roasts him for being a “passenger princess” and buying drinks for a girl cheating in front of him.
- “You saw her kissing another dude, and y’all still went home together.” (Obi, 37:53)

Top Five Freakiest Job List (42:32–48:18)

A married female caller shares her “top five freakiest male occupations”: drug dealer, massage therapist, photographer, trainer, OBGYN.
The hosts debate, joke (“OBGYN is a real job!”), and disagree on whether these jobs make men “freaky.”
She advises: “Relationships take two to tango.”

Other Dilemmas:

Who Benefits in Relationships?
- A female fan argues women give up more, and men often get the bigger benefit.
  - “Women give up their bodies, careers, mental health, friendship, sometimes family… we make men’s lives better.” (Caller 3, 67:13)
Should Women Fat-Shame Their Partners for Motivation?
- A truck driver describes how he wants his girlfriend to “fat shame” him so he stays motivated to lose weight. The group agrees it’s only healthy if both partners are honest—and it truly motivates.
Does Money Matter in Preventing Infidelity?
- A caller theorizes: “If she’s broker than you, she’ll cheat on you.” The hosts question this logic and roast his story about broke dudes and failed happy hours.
Bathroom Attendants at Urinals? (72:30)
- A Caribbean caller claims bathroom etiquette is so bad that club urinals need attendants to keep order—leading to a hilarious riff on men’s restroom politics.

Modern Rom-Coms & Nostalgia

The group laments that new rom-coms lack “build up” and pay-off; everyone falls for each other too fast.
Favorite old-school rom-coms: “You’ve Got Mail,” “What Women Want,” “Girlfriends,” “One on One,” “Smart Guy.”
Nostalgia for sitcoms with “actual plots” and “real Black families.”

DM Slides & Fan Interactions as Content Creators

All three talk about getting wild DMs, particularly from women who believe they can “change” the creators—or who follow with a certain “look in their eye.”
“If they DM you and say something freaky right away, it just looks like…I want to suck your dick…she looks like she would say something like that.” (Pat, 84:52)
Discussion on professional boundaries and the temptation/dilemma of engaging with fans—especially when touring.

“Toxic vs. Normal”

The hosts challenge the idea of what’s “toxic.”
- Malik: Liking a woman’s picture is normal—but “if a woman likes a guy's picture, that’s cheating.” (sarcastic) (Mike, 92:05)
The group debates “photo dumps,” relationship rules, and social media etiquette.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Friendship and Locker Room Banter

“No, like turquoise draws. So it was like real brown. So I went to him and I was just like, yo…I just had a bad day. Me and my girl have been going through it.” (Pat, 02:55)

Secrets & Backlash from Content

“He giving all the secrets, shut his little buck ass up...I got, like, threats, I got, like, all kinds of threats, bro.” (Malik, 06:28)

Women vs. Men’s Happiness

“Women want happiness, Men want peace. But women are so delusional, they won’t give you peace…Fellas, you have to find your own peace, because she’s going to take that away.” (Malik, 08:50)

Club Culture & Gender Dynamics

“We got to get back to, like, making it safe for women—and giving them an area where they don’t feel like they gonna be touched on inappropriately.” (Pat, 23:44)

Satirical Take on Cheating

"At the end of the day, I'm lying for you. I don't want to hurt your feelings. Cause I went behind your back and found happiness." (Malik, 20:44)

The Real Motivation for Content

“You got a real woman at home…and that’s how you really look. So really, I’m trying to preach—we look stupid.” (Malik, 21:24)

Joking About 'Toxic' vs. Normal

“A dude can like a picture and go about his day…But it’s toxic if women like another guy’s picture. If you like a guy's picture, that’s cheating. That’s toxic. I can’t be with you.” (Malik, 92:05, sarcastically)

Listener Questions & Advice Highlights

1. The “Passenger Princess” (35:01–41:13)

Lesson: Know your worth, don’t let someone disrespect you during a date.

2. “Fat-Shaming” for Motivation (60:27–63:41)

Open, honest communication about health and self-esteem is key; "bullying" for fitness can work only if both partners agree.

3. Club Dynamics & Female Safety (22:33–25:50)

It’s on men, DJs, and club owners to foster safe, fun spaces for women.
Approach only when invited—never disrupt a ladies’ night.

4. Who Benefits More in Relationships? (67:13–71:18)

There’s often imbalance; communication is crucial to avoid a “mom dynamic” and promote reciprocity.

5. Social Media Etiquette

Relationship boundaries on IG: Be aware of what likes communicate; don’t hit “like” on the 7th pic of a suggestive photo dump.

Memorable Segments & Timestamps

[01:02-02:21] — Origins & How the hosts met
[02:55-03:50] — Pat’s locker room coaching story
[06:06-08:03] — Malik talks content inspiration & backlash
[22:33-25:50] — Discussion on women’s safety in clubs, VIP culture
[29:28-30:50] — The 'Boiler Room' dance ritual experience
[35:01-41:13] — “Passenger princess” call-in story
[60:27-63:41] — Call-in: Fat-shaming for motivation
[67:13-71:18] — Call-in: Who benefits more in relationships?
[92:05-93:58] — “Toxic” behaviors: Liking photos, social media traps
[84:52-86:59] — Wild fan DMs and content creators’ boundaries

Closing & Final Thoughts

Malik B shouts out upcoming tour dates and thanks the hosts for the fun, wild ride.
Pat, Mike, and Malik jointly reflect on the absurdities of modern relationships, the blurred lines between satire and reality in content, and the importance of mutual respect.
The episode concludes with a broad message: Laugh at your own flaws, keep it real, and know that happiness and peace—whether in clubs, relationships, or DMs—aren’t easy, but the journey (with lots of jokes) is half the fun.

For More:
Find Malik B’s tour info and social handles via the links in the episode description.
Stay tuned for future Crash Dummies Podcast episodes for more dialogue, debate, and unpredictable stories from the frontlines of dating, relationships, and comedy culture.

wavePod

From The Passenger Seat W/ Malik B