B (3:42)

I have lived the life that he wanted me to live and. And I believe I'm finishing the course that he asked me to finish and run. So I am. I'm in the best. I think I'm in the best place possible outside of the physical part.

C (3:58)

So has it been. Has it been rough for a while?

B (4:02)

Actually, October 3rd. October 5th was the last time I preached and it's been. It's been rough ever since. But I get to wake up every morning. So this is a story I tell Francis, is that, yeah, today, people will wake up today and never say goodbye to their spouses and to the children and. Yeah. And they will never come home.

C (4:26)

Yeah.

B (4:27)

For the last three months, I'm able to struggle and. And get up and get knocked down and get up and get knocked down and then. But I'm able to say celebrate with people, goodbye. Say goodbye to people, encourage people, and I'm able to share them the love of Christ more than I've ever before. And who can not say that's not a privilege that I have that I get to say goodbye? I mean, what an amazing privilege that God has given me. So I'll take. I'll take the pain. If I could still preach the gospel. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So I am. I am. My soul is doing so well. I have, like, no. No qualms about it. The physical pain is excruciating at times, but I know he will never leave me, Francis, or forsake me. And I know that I am not outside of his will. I am not outside of his. Of his care. I know. And there's no glory without the cross. There's no glory without suffering. So I. I take it.

C (5:44)

Oh, gosh. I'm, like, smiling from ear to ear right now as I listen to you speak.

B (5:52)

Okay.

C (5:52)

This is exactly the way we should feel as we're getting closer to the Lord. A friend of mine just. There's a gal in his church who was dying of cancer. She had just given birth to their third child and she was fighting to the end. She told my friend, who's the pastor of the Church. Hey, can you just tell the church that this isn't hard?

B (6:22)

Right?

C (6:26)

Wow. Praise God. It's. This is our hope. This is what we've longed for and then seeking since we've come to know him. And yeah, it should get clearer and clearer.

B (6:42)

Absolutely.

C (6:42)

Closer and closer and enjoy him more and more.

B (6:46)

Yep.

C (6:49)

And then get to the point where God. I just have to do. I. I can't get enough of you.

B (6:58)

I'm so looking forward to his embrace, Francis. I'm so looking forward to. To waking up and that he will. I will never leave him and he will never leave me. That's right. And I really made sense now. But he means that this is momentary, this pain is momentary. And it's only here. This world got nothing on me. It doesn't. It really doesn't. And what this world has is just pain and suffering. And that's why Jesus came and died. And this is part. I accept the fact this is part of the fall. This is sin. This is not cancer. This is sin. And the reason why I'm in this predicament is because of sin. Not because of what I ate or what I didn't eat or if I exercise. I didn't exercise because of the fall of man. But Jesus Christ came and rescued me. Not only my, My, my body, but he rescued my soul. So I am so good friends, as I tell you I am so. I'm. And I mean, I think I'm in the best place I've ever been in my Christian life. I don't think I've ever been in this place before. And I would not trade it. I will not go back. I will not go back. I'm able to overcome the physical pain with the peace of God that passes all understanding and all of this. Francis, I could tell you that I never felt how he guards my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus and he takes all my anxiety out, even through the pain. And I finally knew what Paul meant. That everything in prayer, everything. There's not one thing I can do apart from prayer. I mean, there's times where the enemy reminds me that he thinks he could defeat me. But the victory has already been won. Yeah, I already won. And it's just the transition part of the battle that I'm fighting with.

C (9:01)

Is there anything that I can pray for you?

B (9:05)

Oh, you pray for my contentment. And really that's the number one prayer I have is that. That I will keep fighting for contentment. Because it's not a one time deal for sure. Because I had to repent a lot, Francis. Because I was presuming on God that I could just say, oh, I'm done, God. I'm done. I'm done. No more. I can't stand it. And I had to really repent and submit to God and say, God, thy will be done, whenever you want me to do. I know that each day is painful, but thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. So I keep reminding myself that my time is in his hand and not mine. And I can't add another minute to it.

C (9:48)

Yeah.

B (9:49)

So why not just find contentment and knowing that my God is infinitely wise. And because he's infinitely wise, he knows everything that is happening to me. And he's not a God who is absentee. He's very present with me right now at this moment.

C (10:09)

Yeah.

B (10:09)

But he's going to rescue me, Francis. It's coming.

C (10:14)

That's right. That's right.

B (10:17)

So I would not. It would be a really hard trade whether God will say, you want to heal or you want to be close to me. I think I'll do the latter.

C (10:27)

Oh, this is so beautiful. Now, were you able to share a lot of these thoughts?

B (10:32)

I have. I have never. I have never. In a concentration of time, I've never met so many people in my life that I'm able to encourage and pray for and encourage them to walk with Christ. And knowing, oh, Lord, that. Knowing. Telling them that pain is one way that we get close to God. And, you know, I finally realized what it means to. When he said in Philippians to share in the fellowship with suffering. And right now, if someone will ask me in a summary where I'm at, I'm in the fellowship of my suffering with my God. And so I am. And now I could feel that not only his power with the fellowship of it. Wow.

C (11:16)

That's so great.

B (11:17)

Yeah. So all the scriptures that I have thought and all the scriptures that I have learn, it's coming to fruition. And I know, Fancy, as I can tell you now, this is for first time my life, I know what it means to be still and know that he is God. Because in the midst of pain that medicine cannot remedy, the only remedy I have is the stillness of my God.

C (11:43)

That's right, man.

B (11:44)

I am experiencing things that I have never experienced before. Wow. And I don't think I would have this experience without the pain. So I'll take it. I wouldn't trade it. I would not trade it, Francis. I would not trade it at all. So I'm looking forward to whatever he has next for me, whether today is a painful day, praise the Lord. If it's a relief day, praise the Lord. The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be still the name of the Lord. And I will still. I will keep singing. Hallelujah. Wow.

C (12:17)

Wow. You know, I just. I was with like a week or two ago, I was with Johnny Erickson. And just hearing you speak reminds me of her. You know, just. There is a confidence, there's a just a spirit filled, you know, biblically saturated.

A (12:41)

Speech.

C (12:44)

That, you know, she would say that there's. She was. It's my only option, you know, that there's nothing else that's going to satisfy and hearing the way that she would talk, you know, because we've all heard sermons, sure. And anyone can say the words, but it's. It's in the midst of the trial, in the midst of, you know, a situation like hers or like yours, that it. I don't know. The spirit just speaks through you. It's a different. It's a different power. That's. Oh, my God. I wish everyone could hear this.

B (13:27)

I. I believe, Francis, that I'm louder today and I'm clear today. And I'm more lucid than ever in my life.

C (13:34)

Wow.

B (13:35)

I see more clearly. I see more clearly who my Lord is. And Francis, he is beautiful. And I am more in love with him today than I ever been before. In the midst of it. I love him so much. And he's showing it to me not to. He's showing it to me through the pain, the love. And I can't trade it. It's way too good inside, you know, outside not so good, but inside it's so good that I can't. It's not even tradable. Yeah.

C (14:14)

Yeah.

B (14:15)

I don't know if you know what I mean. I can't even trade it.

C (14:17)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's the family doing? How's.

B (14:22)

Oh, I could tell you this once. I've never been so in love with my wife than ever before. Because our love is not based upon convenience. It's based upon sacrifice and pain and going through it together. And we're able to pray more together. We're able to look at scriptures more together. And our three kids, they are really trying to walk in the truth of the gospel. And so they know the emotional part, which no one could predict, but the spiritual part, the stability part, they understand. And so I really praise God for that, that they are walking in the truth in the midst of this. And there's no blaming God. There's no pointing fingers. They are going to walk with truth.

C (15:21)

Wow.

B (15:22)

Yeah.

C (15:23)

How old are they?

B (15:24)

23, 21 and 17. Yeah. So. And then the church, I think, Francis, I think the church is healthier, you know, being there.

C (15:38)

Wow.

B (15:39)

Yeah. And. And it's stronger. And. And when I was able to walk more in October, there was no worry in my mind. It's almost like when Paul was talking about his shipwreck and his care for the churches. He took that burden out of me of the care for the churches. And he said, I will build my church and thank you up to this point that you have served it. So I was in despair a little bit yesterday during. Yeah. Live stream. And. And then the Lord had to correct me right there. And. And right there when he said, you. You're being sad because you're not there because you're being sad because you're not participating. But how about all those years that allowed you to participate? How about the four and a half years that I didn't owe you anything to keep on pastoring? How about those years?

C (16:31)

Yeah.

B (16:32)

What about those years? Can we just celebrate what God has already done in and through you and then find joy in that, not with what you want to have more of, but what Christ has already done in and through you for his good pleasure? And I realized a humbling way of looking at this is that he never called me to build this church. He just called me to serve it. And I had a privilege of serving this church. And it's an honor. It's been an honor. And to complain now is sinful and not because I'm present in the church. It's what God counts. He already loves me whether I preach another sermon. His love for him will never change.

C (17:17)

Yeah.

B (17:18)

So what do I have to perform? There's nothing to perform. I don't know. Sometimes it's healthy right now. But that's kind of where my state of mind is in regards to the church.

C (17:29)

Yeah. So good.

B (17:33)

Yeah. So that's kind of where overall, Francis, I could tell you this, is that the love of God still compels me. It's still the love of Christ that still compels me. And nothing else is more attractive to me than the love of Christ.

C (17:51)

Oh, that's so good.

B (17:54)

Yeah. And so I told people, do not ever use my situation for your good or for your advantage, because this is the Lord. And. And because this is the Lord, he has to reuse for his glory. So Olivia and I were contemplating whether people wants to do a celebration of life. I said, I Have only two rules. If exalts Alan, you turn off their mic. It only allowed when it exalts Christ. And the only. The rule I have is this. It's not what Alan has done in this earth is what Christ has done to a sinner and how a sinner is able to serve a holy, holy God who's so deserving of all my glory and how undeserving I am in the midst of that. And I could go back to your sermon in Isaiah 6. I could still say, woe is me. And I could. I just want to sing holy, holy, holy. So that's kind of my criteria for them. There's no expectation of Alan. There's always going to be an exaltation of Jesus Christ.

C (18:59)

That's right. That's right.

B (19:01)

So, in summary, I'm. I'm really good.

C (19:06)

Wow. I mean, like I said, I. I just. I want. I want everyone to hear what God is doing in your heart. And the peace, like you said, that is beyond comprehension. People in the world could never understand.

B (19:24)

Oh, absolutely.

C (19:26)

Have you. Did you record anything that people could watch or.

B (19:32)

I mean, here and there, we kind of conversation here and there with people. Olivia is a good recorder, so she's recording just now, actually. So, yeah, I was just thinking, I.

C (19:44)

Go, gosh, I wish I'd recorded this whole talk.

B (19:46)

Yeah. Right now. And. And because feels like. And I want this to be an encouragement to them that at the last of my days, they will offer encouragement that this is not the end. And I was quoting the other day, D.L. moody, that one day you will hear that I am dead. No, they're wrong. I am more alive today than ever before.

C (20:11)

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Wow.

B (20:16)

So. And really, I know what it means now, Francis, when he says for me to lose Christ and to die is gain. And I'm looking forward for my gain. I am really looking forward for my gain. And every day that I'm absent from the Lord, I'm away from the presence of the Lord.

C (20:33)

Yes.

A (20:34)

So.

B (20:34)

And last night, actually, before I slept in a lot of pain, I said, God, you promised me, like you promised a thief. You will be made with me in paradise. So I'm gonna trust in that, that he will bring me to paradise.

C (20:52)

Hallelujah. Now, what do the doctors say?

B (20:58)

Just any day. I mean, I could go any day, any moment, or God also could prolong my life. So where I am, like, in this, medically or biologically, is that I know I have. I have not lost faith that he can heal me. I have not. I believe Too much in the power of Christ and his omnipotence. But my flesh cries out and prays, God, help my unbelief.

C (21:25)

Yeah. Yeah.

B (21:27)

So that's kind of the state of my physical part of it is that I know you can heal me if you want to. If it's in your will, I could be the leper. In your will, I could be the blind man. In your will, I could be any of those people that you healed.

C (21:45)

That's right.

B (21:46)

Then the conclusion of it, I'm already healed.

C (21:51)

Yes.

B (21:51)

Because he already healed my soul forever. So what healing am I really looking forward to or what healing do I really want? So, Francis, to tell you, really, the honest truth is, if I. If God will heal me and I will go back to my sinful, fleshly nature, I will say to the Lord, no, thanks.

C (22:12)

Yeah.

B (22:13)

If you give me right now, straight up, trained, total healing or into or continual intimacy with me in pain, I will choose intimacy in pain any day.

C (22:24)

Praise God. And praise God for how clearly you're speaking right now.

B (22:30)

You know, I speak to a lot.

C (22:31)

Of people at the end, and it's just they don't have the clarity. And yet God has blessed you with this mind that he's giving you right now. The mind of Christ.

B (22:44)

Right.

C (22:45)

To think the thoughts that you're thinking. Gosh, I just. It's beautiful.

B (22:53)

And so I. I don't know what it's to complain about. When I have my preacher. It's not just bright, it's. It's awesome.

A (23:01)

Yeah.

C (23:02)

Yeah.

B (23:03)

And I told Olivia the other day was, it's death. It's inevitable. It's just we're only thinking about the order of this. I'm just going first. It's not that I have any advantage. I'm just going first.

C (23:20)

Yeah.

B (23:21)

So if I'm just going first, that means I get to enjoy the Lord a little bit longer. And I think that's an advantage. More than a disadvantage.

C (23:30)

Yeah. Yeah.

B (23:31)

So don't feel sorry for me. And some people, I said, in some ways, I feel sorry for you.

C (23:38)

Yeah.

B (23:39)

So.

C (23:40)

Yeah.

B (23:40)

Yeah. And then yesterday there was an unbeliever that came and visited me. And I was able to sprinkle the gospel here and there using my situation about how does it. What does it mean to love your wife? As Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. And I reversed it a little bit and said, you know, Olivia has shown to me what it means to love me as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. And so I was able to share with him, that it's not about anything else but Christ. It's Christ. Christ, Christ, Christ. It begins with Christ, it ends with Christ, and everything in the middle is cursed. Ephesians 3, I think, has ministered to me a lot. I've been finally experiencing what he means. The width, the depth, the length and the height of the love of Christ. I have hit the pinnacle of what that means here on earth. The width, the length, the width and the height of the love of Christ. And whatever I'm experiencing right now is nothing because he's doing more than abundantly about all that. I asked her thing. This is abundantly more than I ever ask or think. I love it.

C (24:57)

I mean, thank you so much for sharing all of this, because I. I feel like, yeah, I think the way you do, like, this is how we should feel at the end. Why is it that I rarely hear this? You know, this is everything the Bible says, these various promises, and it's just, it's. It's so great to hear you talk like this, to worship God like this. In fact, I just pray right now. Father, I just thank you for Allen. I thank you for the way your spirit is just ministering to him.

B (25:38)

I thank you for the way that.

C (25:40)

He just knows your love, that he's not doing this to earn anything. It's just that it's. The love is compelling him to say these things. He can't say anything else. He loves you. You've opened his eyes to your love for him. How wide and long and high indeed. God, there's so many friends who don't get this, and they can't rest and be still and just know who you are and enjoy you. It's like the enemy is blinding them. I pray that you use Aladdin, whatever time you have for him on the earth. We don't dare even guess at that. Yes, your thoughts are so far beyond ours. Your ways are so far beyond ours. God, I thank you that you've used this time to draw me close to you, God. That's all we want, right? But we just want to get closer and closer to you. Just get put to death. All the deeds of the flesh, all the lungs of the enemy, to take all those thoughts captive. And so, God, I pray in the name of Jesus that any of these dark thoughts that the enemy want to put in his head, any doubts, anything that is not of your word, that he would know to take it captive. The name of Jesus, Lord. And that you would just continue to walk in this faith in glory. God made the enemy have no victory, no victory in his soul as long as he is on this earth. Just strength, God, from you. Peace, hope, joy, God, may these be his in abundance. And God, we. We have clarity right now that you can do beyond all that we ask for man. Absolutely, God, that this would not be just survival mode, but this would just be rejoicing deeper and deeper. That you would just lift his head and he would just see the unseen. And so, Father, what no eyes seen, no ears heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him. But God has revealed it to us by his spirit. So, Father, I just pray that by your spirit, you just continue to have Alan experience you more meaningfully, more deeply, until he sees your face. I pray for his kids, God, that they would draw close to you and then. And then Ellen will even get to experience that, seeing you work in their lives. Thank you for Olivia and her faithfulness.

B (28:51)

God.

C (28:51)

Continue to guard her heart and protect her. Yes, but God, I just praise you for this time that we've had together in your presence. Lord God, thank you for this sweet, sweet time in Jesus. Name, name.

B (29:06)

Can I pray for you as well, Francis?

A (29:08)

What's that?

B (29:09)

Can I pray for you as well?

C (29:11)

Oh, please.

B (29:12)

Please, Father, I commit my brother, pastor, my friend, my fellow worker in the gospel. Francis. God.

C (29:18)

Yes, God.

B (29:20)

Thank you, Lord, for his encouragement to me today, his affirming of your truth. Not affirming of our feelings, but affirming of your truth. Lord, thank you for how you have used him and continue to use him. Because, Lord, Francis and I have one goal. To hear you say two words. Well done. And Father, I pray that as Francis keep going with his ministry, to keep him healthy, that you bless his family as they walk with you. I pray, oh, Lord, that as he continues to write, as he continues to preach us, that he will continue to exalt Christ. So, Father, I pray, O Lord, that in the midst of our suffering, the midst of Francis suffering, do we see more of you more clearly and more abundantly, God, thank you, Lord, that this. This conversation assures me of your immeasurable grace. So, Lord God, I thank you for his friendship through the years. I thank you, Lord, for this phone call. I praise you, O Lord, that Francis and I, oh Lord, serve a God who's the same yesterday, today and forever.

C (30:28)

That's right.

B (30:28)

And Lord, I pray that as Francis the Lord continues his race, that he will finish the course, that he will keep the faith, that he will keep on battling the enemy. And Father, I pray that as he continues the Lord, the work that he has still in store for him, that he will do in the power of Christ, in the power of your Holy Spirit. So, Lord, I pray and I pray for the Lisa and the rest of the family that, Lord, that they will continue to be his backbone here in earth, apart from you. But ultimately, we know, oh, Lord, that you are ultimate help. And that you're our ultimate guide. And that you are also with Lord and Savior. So, Lord God, I thank you for Francis, and thank you for this phone call. And thank you, Lord, for allowing our cross to path. Because, Lord, it was never accidental. It was always orchestrated. So, Lord, I pray this in your precious name. Amen. Amen. Thank you. Amen. Thank you, Francis. Thank you, Francis. So I will. I probably won't see you physically, but I know one thing, one thing is for sure. I will see you real later, brother.

A (31:45)

That's right.

C (31:46)

That's right. Yes. Keep your eyes on that.

B (31:48)

Oh, I'm fixed. I am so fixed. Yes.

C (31:52)

I love it. You know, this has been one of the most encouraging conversations of my life.

B (31:57)

So he is finishing my faith, Francis. And who am I to not allow him to finish my faith? He started my faith, and he's making sure that he will finish it. Yeah. So I'm fixed. I am so fixed.

C (32:11)

Yeah. Good.

B (32:12)

Thank you so much for your phone call, Francis.

A (32:15)

Yeah.

B (32:15)

Thank you for making my day. Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

C (32:18)

Bye.

A (32:19)

Day.

C (32:19)

And, Olivia, anything you need, let me know.

B (32:22)

Okay? That's. Say hi to Lisa for me. I will.

C (32:28)

Yeah.

B (32:28)

And who knows?

C (32:29)

I mean, I do have to go down there in a couple weeks.

B (32:31)

Okay.

C (32:32)

Yeah, I'll keep in touch.

B (32:34)

Okay. Well, thank you for making my day to day ranchers. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

C (32:39)

This is great.

A (32:40)

Yes.

C (32:41)

All right.

B (32:42)

So be safe. Be safe. Love you. Love you, Francis. Okay, bye.

C (32:46)

All right, bye. Bye.

A (32:50)

I know we all get inundated with messages all day long, and we jump from one thing to the next, but there's just such a finality about this that I hope that what you just heard sticks with you. And if there's anything in you that's questioning whether you would have this type of peace before coming in the presence of God. I mean, I understand this is. This is it. By the time you're watching this, most likely Alan is in the presence of God now, and that's huge. This is forever that we, like, we stand before the judge and the peace we can have from just really knowing him. This is what we have to have today. Because, you know, like, Alan would tell me. He goes, what a blessing. I get to have these last moments. I get to say these last words to my family and now to you. But we just don't know when it's going to be our time.

C (33:56)

And.

A (33:58)

We have to be close to Him. We have to be assured that we know Him. And so if there's not peace in your life and in your relationship with God, you need to do whatever it takes today to just surrender yourself to him. Cry out to him, Tell him, lord, I want to have this, that type of peace with you, that type of confidence. Ask for his mercy. Tell him you believe in what he did on the cross. If you really believe that, tell him you want the spirit in you so that you can follow him as he created you to do, and begin this intimate relationship with God. Because the end is coming for all of us, and it's at any moment. And we are going to stand before a holy God. And for those of us who are loved by him, it's going to be the greatest moment ever. Thank you for listening to the Crazy Love podcast. Join us next week for a new episode, but until then, for more resources from Crazy Love Ministries or to support the work of Crazy Love, please visit our website website@crazylove.org.