CrimeLess, "Attack of the Beard Cutters!" (Dec 31, 2025)

Podcast: CrimeLess (iHeartPodcasts + Smartless Media)
Hosts: Rory Scoville (comedian), Josh Dean (true crime journalist)
Producer/Co-Host: Lane Rose
Theme: Is forcibly cutting someone’s hair — or beard, or cat’s fur — a crime? A surprisingly wild and funny deep-dive into bizarre crimes revolving around unauthorized grooming, from an Amish beard-cutting hate crime to a spree of mysterious cat shavings in England.

Episode Overview

In this irreverent, hilarious, and surprisingly educational episode, hosts Rory and Josh tackle the question: Is it a crime to forcibly cut off someone’s beard or hair—and what about if that someone is a cat? They begin by riffing on the hijinks of beard sabotage before delving into the infamous 2011 “Amish beard cutting attacks” in Ohio (“one of the dumbest crimes we’ve ever covered,” says Josh). The hosts then detour across the Atlantic for a spree of cat-shaving attacks in England, and conclude with a delightfully absurd exploration of a real-life Amish musical, complete with assassination plot twist.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Is Beard Cutting a Crime? Setup and Icebreakers

• The hosts banter about the idea of having their own beards or mustaches forcibly shaved.
  • Rory: “If we lived in the same city and I snuck up on you and, like, shaved half your mustache off, you’d probably punch me. But would you call the cops?” (01:40)
  • The conversation sets up the theme: when is unwanted hair removal actually a crime?
• Transition to the true story: a real-life crime involving mass beard-cutting within an Amish community.

2. The Amish Beard-Cutting Conspiracy (03:41–17:29)

Setup:

• Event: On Feb 8, 2013, 16 members of an Amish group in Ohio were sentenced for hate crimes after orchestrating attacks—where beards and head hair were forcibly cut from other Amish individuals.
• Mastermind: Their bishop leader, Sam Mullet Sr.—“from the extremely on-the-nose department,” jokes Josh (04:24).

Amish Facial Hair and Religious Custom (05:21–08:41)

• Why do Amish men grow beards? It's biblically inspired, a symbol of masculinity and marriage.
  • Josh: “Amish see the beard as a symbol of masculinity. Apparently, beards are mentioned 19 times in the Bible.” (06:41)
• Why no mustaches? Stems from pacifism; 19th-century military men wore mustaches, so Amish prohibited them to reject militarism.
  • Rory: “So the Amish are a little more rebellious than we have ever been led to believe.” (08:10)

The Crime

• Details: Sam Mullet led a breakaway group near Bergholz, Ohio. Amid religious feuding and contentious family disputes, he orchestrated five separate beard and hair assaults on fellow Amish between Sept and Nov 2011.

• Beard-cutting incidents: Women and men attacked their own relatives and community members—some yanked from bed, others publicly shamed.

  • Rory: “I bet it is really fun to just shave off a massive beard.” (11:02)
  • Josh: “It's like a topiary, right?” (11:17)

• Cultish aspects: Sam Mullet reportedly enforced bizarre punishments, including paddling and making “errant” men sleep in chicken coops.

  • “Sam does not know fully... he’s just trying everything. Throw every noodle at the wall, let’s see what sticks.” – Rory (12:56)

Legal Aftermath

• Federal prosecution: Hate crimes charges (religion-based); DOJ prosecuted under civil rights law.
• Sentences: Sam Mullet got 15 years; others got 1–7 years.
  • U.S. attorney Stephen Dettelbach: “These were violent, religiously motivated home invasions that left the victims bloody, bruised and beaten.” (15:14)
  • Judge Dan Aaron Pollster: “You deserve the longest and harshest sentence. Sadly, I consider you are a danger to the community.” (15:57)
  • Rory: “I gotta say, that’s impressive. I don’t know that I saw 15 coming.” (16:10)
• Community reaction: Some saw the acts as “just haircuts”; others called the Mullet group a cult.

The Comic / Cultural Angle

• Detour into possibilities for an Amish mafia drama or true crime movie: “He springs from jail and it’s called Rum Springer.” – Rory, joking about combining Amish coming-of-age (“Rumspringa”) with prison drama. (16:46)

3. The Cat Shaving Epidemics: U.S. and U.K. (21:30–31:17)

The American Case (23:17)

• Lead-in: A segment about cats whose stomachs were mysteriously shaven in Waynesboro, Virginia—seven different cats, over months; abductor returned the cats after the deed.
  • “Someone’s going around a small Virginia city abducting pet cats, shaving them, and then returning them…” (23:17)
• Owner reactions: Some cats became reclusive after.
• Police confusion: No crime clearly identified, police muse that perpetrators may have been checking for spay/neuter scars (24:36).

The British Case (25:00)

• Scope: Over 50 reports of “disturbing…attacks” (cat shavings) across southeast England; later over 100 confirmed cases stretching as far as Scotland (27:40).
• Accent humor: The hosts gently mock how the British news coverage feels more serious (“That accent alone gives so much more credence to, like, the nightly news…this is real news.” – Rory, 25:29)
• Expressions of empathy: Even cat-averse Rory is drawn in: “I don’t even like cats, and I’m here defending cats. And not just these cats, the musical cats, anything involving cats.” (27:29)
• Theories & Theatrics: Cops speculate an elderly woman once did it; the hosts propose other possibilities — is it marking cats for later harm? But no solid theory is found.
• Police statement: “This is not a bit of fun and needs to stop now.” – British police, prompting Rory to deliver it in his own British accent (30:56).
• Comic suggestion: “Hire that Don’t F*** With Cats team from that documentary.” (Josh, 31:24)

4. Lane’s Game: The Amish Musical Rabbit Hole (32:03–41:52)

Amish Country Tourism & “Josiah for President” (32:29)

• Lane shares a personal aside: growing up near Sugar Creek, Ohio (“the gateway to Amish country”) where a 500-seat theater features a musical called Josiah for President.
  • Billboard: Amish man in front of the White House with a horse and buggy.
  • Plot: Amish man gets drafted by a politician to run for president on a “plain truth” platform.

Musical’s Surreal Plot & Audience Reviews (35:14)

• Rory reads a real review in a over-the-top Southern accent about the reviewer’s begrudging, but rapturous, experience seeing Josiah for President (“…I would give this one 100 out of 100 likes.” 36:39).

Guess-the-Twist Game (37:41)

• Lane quizzes the hosts: What is the “very intriguing twist” at the end of the musical?
  • Options: A) Josiah’s criminal past is revealed; B) Josiah resigns under church pressure; C) Josiah is assassinated by a blogger named Stormcloud44.
  • Correct answer: C — Josiah is assassinated at the end, dying in his wife’s arms, and she refuses to ride in the ambulance because she is Amish (40:25).
  • “None of them sound 100 out of 100.” – Rory (39:50)
• Fantasies of a Josiah movie adaptation starring Rory as the Amish protagonist.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you can catch an owl, you have fully earned the right to dunk them a couple times.” – Rory (01:05)
• “Their beards were attacked. Shorn.” – Josh, introducing the core news story (02:34)
• “Sam Mullet. Yes, his real name.” – Josh (04:24)
• “It’s a sin to shave [a beard] off. But here’s an important caveat: married men. Single Amish dudes do not grow beards.” – Josh (06:41)
• “The longer the beard, the more…seriously religious.” – Rory (05:51)
• “The Mullet way.” – Multiple times, referring to both the leader’s name and the style of meting out justice (09:58, 10:01)
• “These were violent, religiously motivated home invasions that left the victims bloody, bruised, and beaten.” – U.S. Attorney Stephen Dettelbach (15:14)
• “I gotta say, that’s impressive. I don’t know that I saw 15 [years in prison] coming.” – Rory (16:10)
• “It’s got a serial killer vibe to it, with no murder.” – Rory (29:32), on the British cat shave spree
• “This is not a bit of fun and needs to stop now.” – British police statement, performed by Rory in a mock accent (30:59)
• “For an old country redneck not into musical plays, I would give this one 100 out of 100 likes.” – Quoted musical review, read by Rory (36:39)
• “Josiah is assassinated by a blogger named Stormcloud44.” – Lane, reading the true twist of the musical (40:25)
• “She does not ride in the ambulance…because she is Amish and it is a car.” – Lane (39:27)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro, mustache banter — 01:26–02:26
• Amish crime setup — 03:41
• Amish beard/hair religious history — 05:21–08:41
• Beard-cutting crime details, trial — 08:41–14:32
• Sentencing and aftermath — 14:32–17:29
• Cat shaving in Virginia — 21:30–24:43
• Cat shaving in England — 25:00–31:17
• Lane’s Game: Amish musical rabbit hole — 32:03–41:52

Tone & Style

• Irreverent & Comic: The hosts consistently riff, joke, and riff off even the bleakest material, balancing true crime exploration with sharp wit and improv energy.
• Educational: Despite a comedic lens, the episode dispenses real, sometimes surprising, information about Amish culture, legal nuances, and criminal motivation.
• Self-Aware: Frequent asides, media meta-jokes, and playful breaking of the fourth wall (“We would have gotten letters if we didn’t mention Rumspringa…”).

Summary Takeaway

This episode of CrimeLess serves up one of the strangest hate crimes in recent years—a wave of beard-chopping within the Amish community—using it as a springboard for an offbeat yet enlightening investigation into unauthorized grooming as crime, and an affectionate roast of everything from American law enforcement confusion to British news gravity to the peculiar phenomena of Amish musicals. Listeners will laugh, learn, and come away with some very specific (and hilarious) party trivia about beards, pacifism, and the dangers of “extremely creative” criminals.