Funny Money

Summary

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CrimeLess — "Funny Money" (April 1, 2026)

Host: Rory Scoville & Josh Dean
Podcast: iHeartPodcasts & Smartless Media

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Overview

In this episode, "Funny Money," comedian Rory Scoville and veteran journalist Josh Dean take a hilarious deep dive into the world of counterfeiting and “funny money.” The hosts break down the different types of counterfeiters, share infamous real-life crime stories, and riff about the absurd logic of would-be money forgers. As always, the episode balances entertaining banter with true crime insights, culminating in an interactive game about pulling off the “perfect” fake bill. It's educational, irreverent, and perfect for trivia-night anyone with a curiosity about crime—or how not to get caught doing it.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Counterfeiting Crash Course & Quiz (03:32–04:38)

• Pop Quiz: Who’s On What Bill?
  • Rory and Josh test their basic knowledge of U.S. currency faces: Lincoln ($5), Franklin ($100), Jefferson ($2), Washington ($1).
  • Rory quips about not using cash anymore, adding, “No one under 25 could answer those questions” (04:08).

The Secret Service Origin Story (05:07–06:15)

• Secret Service founded during Lincoln’s presidency to combat counterfeiting, not for protecting the president at first.
• Lincoln signed the Secret Service into being on April 14, 1865—the day he was assassinated.
  • “The man who created the Secret Service to counter counterfeiting was assassinated, probably in part leading to the job becoming presidential protection.” —Josh (06:04)
• Counterfeiting was rampant after the Civil War; nearly 1/3 of circulating money was fake.
• Improvements mean today it’s “less than 1%, but that’s still $70–200 million in fake bills out there” (06:59).

The Three Types of Counterfeiters (07:42–09:04)

• Josh’s self-invented classification:
  1. Professionals: Meticulous, skilled, organized, likely with code names and legit setups.
  2. Opportunists: Buy, trade, or obtain fake bills (often from movie props).
  3. Delusionists: Lacking skill and sense, but heavy on nerve—Josh’s favorite to discuss.

Legendary “Delusional” Counterfeiters (09:04–13:25)

• James Ryan (Memphis, 2008): Used a $100 bill featuring Lincoln’s face. “My man didn’t even do the most basic homework!”
• Michael Fuller (NC, 2012): Tried to pay for goods with a $1 million bill. “I love thinking you’re going to get change on a $1 million bill.” –Rory (09:50)
• Pamela Downs (TN, 2015): Used b&w paper & glue, poorly copied bills. Claimed Obama legalized printing at home for people on fixed incomes.
  • “Not even double sided, just glued together…Exemplifies a real fucking attitude about life,” –Josh (11:29)
  • Downs had $30–50K in fakes, plus receipt for printer/copier, and had told police about the “Obama law.”

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Opportunists & Hollywood Prop Money Mayhem (13:25–19:23)

• Prop money from films has made its way into circulation—even after measures to keep it fake.
• Infamous case: “Rush Hour 2” (2001) needed a billion dollars in fake hundreds (10 million bills). Secret Service intervention required due to realism; some ended up in Vegas/L.A. circulation.
  • “Just the paper to make a billion dollars cost $77,000.” —Josh (16:07)
  • Extras took prop money as souvenirs; the Feds later found hundreds of fake bills being spent (17:00).
• Modern scams: In 2025, two men bought $160K in jewelry with “movie money” in Boston; only “In prop we trust” gave it away (17:42).
• Social media braggadocio led to an easy arrest: “We made history, bro.”

Generational Currency Gaps

• Newsweek: “Gen Z cashiers can’t recognize real cash, think real bills are counterfeit.” (18:52)
• Example: Florida yogurt shop teens labeled pre-1999 bills “fake;” had to be schooled by a 22-year-old manager.

The Future: Digital & Crypto Scams

• “Someday this episode will be a quaint artifact… You used paper?” —Rory (19:40)
• Brief rumination on how crime will simply go digital.

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The Professionals: The Tale of Mr. 880 (24:04–35:36)

• The Legend of Emmerich Jutner a.k.a. Mr. 880
  • Elderly Austrian immigrant, lived in NYC, ordinary life, began counterfeiting $1 bills after wife died.
• His faux bills were not well made (blurry serials, mispelled “Wahsington”), but passed anyway. He carefully avoided patterns by spending only $1 at a time and not twice at the same spot.
• The feds tried everything—radio PSAs, 200k flyers, 10,000-store trap—but couldn’t catch him for years.
• Caught by accident in 1948 when firefighters dumped his printing stuff during a fire; neighborhood kids traded the discarded zinc plates for “a Japanese bayonet.”
• Mr. 880’s code: “I only stole a dollar from anybody.” He was honest when caught (32:39).
  • “Of course I admit it. They were only $1 bills. I never gave more than one of them to any one person. So nobody ever lost more than $1.” —Jutner, via The New Yorker (32:46)
• He received a sentence of one year and one day, with parole after four months, and a $1 fine.
  • “I hope he paid for it with a fake.” –Rory (33:44)
• His story inspired the movie “Mr. 880” (1950); he made more from optioning his life rights than from counterfeiting.
• Hosts reflect on the “heartwarming,” idiosyncratic criminal—a rare case where everyone seemed to win.

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Game Segment: Make Your Own Counterfeit! (41:21–48:24)

Lane, the show’s producer, leads a ~choose-your-own-adventure~ style quiz, asking Rory and Josh step-by-step how they’d make a $20 counterfeit bill.

• Decision Points:
  1. Bill denomination? ($20)
  2. Whose face? (Correctly: Andrew Jackson)
  3. Sourcing design? (They choose photo, but Wikipedia praised as source by real-life scammers)
  4. Paper choice? (Bleached $1 bill—realistic choice)
  5. Printing method? (Laser printer at home—decent, but motel inkjet was the method of an infamous counterfeiter)
  6. Security features? (They opt for “all the above”: colored ink, glue for strip, matte finish)
  7. Where to spend it? (Dimly lit dive bar—likely, but the weird glue might give them away)
• Flip of a coin decides success. They win!
  • “That’s how you make fake money.” –Rory (47:29)

Memorable exchange:
Josh: “I will say, the more I googled this, the more nervous I got about my search history.” (47:42)
Lane: “Wait till we get to the Dark Web episode.” (47:56)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I love thinking you’re going to get change on a $1 million bill.” —Rory (09:50)
• “It’s kinda a Robin Hood situation. Except you’re just destabilizing the economy.” —Josh (07:32)
• “She told police Obama permitted her to print her own money because she was on a fixed income.” —Josh (12:08)
• “My man didn’t even do the most basic homework. He put the wrong president on the bill.” —Josh (09:19)
• “Of course I admit it. They were only $1 bills. I never gave more than one of them to any one person. So nobody ever lost more than $1.” —Jutner/Mr. 880 via Josh (32:46)
• “If you ask nicely, I’ll tell my counterfeiting story in a future episode...” —Josh (36:05)
• “You made it. You squeaked by. You got that free Miller Lite.” —Lane (48:24)

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Essential Timestamps

• 03:33 – Money face pop quiz
• 05:10 – Founding of the Secret Service
• 09:04 – Delusional counterfeiters hall of fame
• 13:38 – Prop money & Hollywood fakes
• 17:42 – Jewel heist with movie money
• 24:04 – The “Professional” Mr. 880 saga
• 32:46 – Mr. 880 confession quote
• 41:17 – Lane’s counterfeit simulation game
• 47:29 – Hosts “successfully” make and pass fake bill (in theory)

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Language, Tone, and Style

• Conversational, quick-witted, and tangent-friendly, balancing trivia, researched stories, and sarcastic asides.
• Engaging back-and-forth (“I love that. You never talk like that, but okay.” –Rory)
• Celebrates the weird, mostly-victimless side of crime: “No one gets hurt. There’s arts and crafts involved.”
• Frequent self-aware commentary about their own ignorance and generational shifts.

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Summary

The "Funny Money" episode of CrimeLess is a perfect blend of comedy and true crime, exploring the often outrageous history and modern reality of currency counterfeiting. From deluded DIY-ers and hapless movie money opportunists to the inexplicably charming “Mr. 880,” the episode unpacks both catastrophically bad and surprisingly enduring scams. The episode highlights the complexity and creativity behind counterfeiting, what actually works (and doesn’t), and why sometimes, even the worst attempts can find luck. Between laugh-out-loud stories and the interactive ending, listeners leave with both party-worthy trivia and an appreciation for the strange, sometimes charming world of “funny money.”

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Transcript

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[Rory Scoville]

I almost said darkweb.com and then I thought, I bet that's not it.

[Cindy Crawford]

Campsite media smart.

[Rory Scoville]

Less media.

[Josh Dean]

Rory, Pop quiz.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

Who's on the five dollar bill?

[Rory Scoville]

Why do I think it's Abraham Lincoln?

[Josh Dean]

Is it Abraham Lincoln?

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. Thank God. I think it's excusable to not know this now because we've moved so far away from cash.

[Josh Dean]

Although you and I, I think, are old enough to not be able to use that as an excuse.

[Rory Scoville]

I know. I was trying to. Thank you, Josh. Just in case there are more questions.

[Josh Dean]

You're not off the hook yet. Who's on the hundred?

[Rory Scoville]

Washington's on the one, and the hundred is Franklin.

[Josh Dean]

Correct.

[Rory Scoville]

Boom. I mean, that's only because of people

[Josh Dean]

using the slang of Benjamin's third and hardest, the $2 bill.

[Rory Scoville]

Thomas Jefferson.

[Josh Dean]

Correct. You're three for three. Your attention to detail means, obviously that you're old first, because no one under 25 could answer those questions. Shit. It also puts you way ahead of some of the criminals. On this week's episode, we delve into some of the wildest stories about funny money counterfeiting crimes.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh.

[Josh Dean]

So grab your highest resolution scanner, your finest color printer, your linen and cotton PA paper, your tiny, colorful security strips, and your best renderings of America's presidents. Because it's time to do illegal art projects.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I love that.

[Josh Dean]

Coming up on Crime how not to counterfeit US Currency. Hello, and welcome to Crimeless, a weekly celebration of the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals. I am Josh Dean.

[Rory Scoville]

I am Rory Scoville.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, I already gave you a pop quiz. But I'm feeling a little academic today, so I'm going to give you a history lesson. Okay. Do you know which government agency handles counterfeiting crimes?

[Rory Scoville]

Is it the FBI or the irs?

[Josh Dean]

It's the Secret Service.

[Rory Scoville]

So that's what I was about to guess. I was doing that for the listeners because I was guessing what they would probably think, but I knew it was the Secret Service because obviously.

[Josh Dean]

And an even harder. I thought you might get down. Right. Here's an even harder one. Do you know which president created the Secret Service? Just pick one famous one.

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Josh Dean]

Lincoln.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, okay. That. I got to say, that's way further back than I was going to guess.

[Josh Dean]

Lincoln signed legislation on April 14, 1865, establishing the secret Service. Their main job then was focusing on post Civil war counterfeiting. So stopping counterfeiting was their original job.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay.

[Josh Dean]

It wasn't until 1901 that Secret Service agents added presidential protection to their job duties. Which is ironic because do you know what also happened on April 14, 1865, is this.

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Josh Dean]

Laking was assassinated.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

It's a sad irony that the man who created the Secret Service to counter counterfeiting.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Was assassinated, probably in part leading to the job becoming presidential protection. Whatever. 25 years later.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Because it's. You know, you would think the Secret Service would have been there the night that he was killed, given the fact that they are after counterfeiting and this was a production about people pretending to be other people at a theater and they weren't there.

[Josh Dean]

Did that.

[Rory Scoville]

Was that joke too Wordy.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. You lost me on the way. You lost me on the way to

[Rory Scoville]

the Lincoln getting shot at the theater. I was trying to say counterfeit people counterfeiting themselves as other people, I thought

[Josh Dean]

was a reference to the actual play he was watching.

[Rory Scoville]

I don't even remember what that was.

[Josh Dean]

I don't either.

[Rory Scoville]

And also, no one that night knows how it ended there.

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So.

[Josh Dean]

By the end of the Civil War, nearly one third of the currency in circulation was counterfeit. Oh, wow. Today the statistic is less than 1%. So great job, Secret Service.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

But that less than 1% is still a lot of cash. According to the Department of Treasury, an estimated 70 to 200 million in counterfeit bills are in circulation at any given time. So if you are considering a lucrative career in counterfeiting, maybe don't. It's a felony and a serious one. Under federal law, you face up to 20 years in prison and very large fines in the ballpark of a quarter million dollars. But I will say of the felonies you could commit, it does feel a little on brand for crimeless. No one gets hurt. There's arts and crafts involved.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. And that's one of our big tenants as arts and crafts and crafts.

[Josh Dean]

It's kind of a Robin Hood situation. Except you're not stealing from the rich, you're just slightly destabilizing the economy. Which, let's be honest, these days feels like. Yeah, it's for the public good. Maybe.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

In my research for this episode, I've come across three categories of counterfeiters, and I made up the classification system. First, professionals who take pride and joy in their craft. They've got all the equipment and materials. They probably keep a tidy workspace and use code names. Then there's opportunists. These are crooks who don't make it themselves. They source it elsewhere from larger operations or purchase on the black market. I'm guessing there's serious counterfeiting on the Dark Web. I still don't know how to get to the Dark Web. Do you?

[Rory Scoville]

No. No. I don't know. I don't know. As you asked that, I almost said darkweb.com and then I thought, I bet that's not it.

[Josh Dean]

What if it was that simple? Wait, have you tried typing in dark web.com?

[Rory Scoville]

have you gone the most likely route?

[Josh Dean]

Maybe a future episode will teach the world how to get on the Dark Web and then we'll.

[Rory Scoville]

This is the first time I've actually considered that I don't know how to access the Dark Web. It's never been a destination I'm seeking out. But for some reason, I think subconsciously I thought we all could just go

[Josh Dean]

to it, type it into Google.

[Rory Scoville]

Truly, I think I actually did. I never thought the steps of how you access it till you asked that.

[Josh Dean]

No, I think we're going to have to do a future episode on where we figure out how to get to

[Rory Scoville]

the Dark Web and teach people.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, let's teach America how to get on the Dark Web. So a final category is delusional. Those who lack the skill and knowledge and talent, but make up for it in gumption. We'll get into examples of each, but I want to start with the last one, which is obviously my favorite, the delusional.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, gumption. Come on.

[Josh Dean]

So here's an example. In 2008, a guy named James Ryan in Memphis paid for his meal at Waffle House with $100 bill. The waitress knew immediately something was off, because instead of the portly visage of Ben Franklin. It was the star of the five, Abe Lincoln staring back at her.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

My man didn't even do the most basic homework. Yeah, he put the wrong president on the bill. But he's not alone, because we have Michael Fuller, a 53 year old in Lexington, North Carolina, who went on a Walmart shopping spree in 20. He picked up a microwave, a vacuum cleaner, and some other household items totaling $467. To pay for that, he whipped out a $1 million bill. Okay, how did the clerk know that that was fake?

[Rory Scoville]

Also, I love thinking you're going to get change on a $1 million bill. I love that. In your mind you're like, well, this doesn't exist. But also, go ahead and give me 900,000.

[Josh Dean]

I know he could have maybe started with a thousand.

[Rory Scoville]

He honestly could have started with like a couple fake hundreds. I mean, what you said was a microwave, a vacuum, and something else. Like at 400 bucks, you could have easily gone in with 500 counterfeit hundreds. Benjamins as you and I know them,

[Josh Dean]

as we like to call them. Yeah, yeah, because the highest bill in circulation is the 100.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. And I bet they still check it. But your likelihood of getting away with it, I mean, clearly is. It's 100% over $1 million.

[Josh Dean]

I feel like you maybe could get away with it with a thousand. Like there might be some clerk maybe like, oh, you never seen one of these before? They're very rare.

[Rory Scoville]

Right, right, right, right.

[Josh Dean]

But like a 1 million? Come on, dude.

[Rory Scoville]

A million is so the type of bill that comes out of one of those vending machines where they give you fake money in an egg.

[Josh Dean]

Yes.

[Rory Scoville]

And. Or a ring or some gum. The Flintstones, Remember? Used to be the Flintstones, like, vending machine.

[Josh Dean]

It's probably where it came from. He was like, oh, I got an idea.

[Rory Scoville]

He's like, I got to go back in there and buy a vacuum.

[Josh Dean]

My personal favorite in this category is a woman named Pamela Downs. She was arrested in 2015 for paying with $5 counterfeit bills at a grocery store in Tennessee. Her fakes were pretty easy to spot because they were printed in black and white on copy paper. Not even double sided, just glued together, which exemplifies a real fucking attitude about life and. Or assumes that cashiers are really checked.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm like, man, is there any chance they take that as a joke and there's no penalty? Because I would like to try that. It's a bit. I'm doing a bit, guys. Clearly it's Black and white. Taped together. Glued. Glued. Glued together. There's a texture.

[Josh Dean]

So I want to say, try harder, Pamela. But also, I live in America, so maybe would work somewhere.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So when police searched her bag, they found a $100 bill printed the same way, although in that case, one side was upside down and a receipt for printer and copy paper. According to the Kingsport Times News, she told police that a new law had been passed by Obama permitting her to print her own money because she was on a fixed income.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Which, if she came up with that on the spot, not terrible.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, look. Yes. And you know what I mean. We're doing improv here. You're. Your back's against the wall. You got to do something.

[Josh Dean]

Could have been a way crazier. Yeah. I mean, but if you're.

[Rory Scoville]

If you're the cop and you're in the interrogation room, aren't you? So, like, why didn't you do better at this? Like, I. I actually am kind of cheering for you. You're clearly the underdog here. What made you think this would suffice? And then if she threw out the Obama thing, I think I would look around to the other people in the room. I'd be like. I mean, I can't argue that.

[Josh Dean]

Right.

[Rory Scoville]

I can't argue that. That's an incredible excuse.

[Josh Dean]

Ma', am, did you not have a green crayon?

[Rory Scoville]

Could you have not got the colors right? Did the glue. Did the texture feel off to you?

[Josh Dean]

So at her apartment, they found counterfeit bills totaling between 30 and 50, $50,000, plus paper, scissors, glue, and a printer. So she, like, made a lot.

[Rory Scoville]

So much work to get it that wrong.

[Josh Dean]

She thought she was running, like, an operation.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, that is so. Oh, man. That's confidence. That's a confidence I'll never be able to know.

[Josh Dean]

Your friend comes over, like, what are you up to? Well, let me tell you.

[Rory Scoville]

You want in. You want in. You have to sign this contract. That's. I also just scribbled with crayon and is not legally binding in any way.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, Pamela. So the second category is opportunists. The opportunist knows how to leave the printing to the professionals. They buy their funny money on the black market, or they get it from a different, very legal market. Hollywood.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Have you ever had your hands on prop money from a movie or TV show?

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

It looks pretty convincing.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm told it's somewhat convincing. But I gotta say, when you are holding it, you can tell the moment you touch it, you're like, oh, yeah, right. It looks good on camera.

[Josh Dean]

And it apparently, if you look closely, it also has things like for motion picture use only or in copy. We trust that's what we. We have read. So the Secret Service doesn't have official guidelines for prop money. It makes the production process kind of murky.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And it often means government officials might show up on sets during filming. For example, in 2000, Independent Studio Services, one of the biggest prop houses in Hollywood, was hired to make all the fake money for Rush Hour 2. Do you remember the plot of Rush Hour 2?

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Josh Dean]

It's Hong Kong police inspector played by Jackie Chan and his LAPD detective pal, Chris Tucker.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

His name is James Carter. They go to Hong Kong on vacation, only to be thwarted by a murder case involving two U.S. customs agents after a bombing at the U.S. embassy.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

I believe there's a new Rush Hour coming, that. This is not even a joke Trump gave.

[Rory Scoville]

It's Trump's favorite, Brett Ratner. Brett Ratner, who happened to make the Melania documentary. So then Trump went to bat to say, we need more Rush Hour movies. You can really connect the dots easily if you know the names involved. But Brett Ratner was like, yeah, I need. I want Rush Hour four to happen, so help me. All right. Since you're doing a documentary about my

[Josh Dean]

wife, him, and all of us, we're clamoring for Rush Hour 4.

[Rory Scoville]

We've all been waiting, salivating.

[Josh Dean]

So Rush Hour 2 needed a whopping $1 billion in hundreds. Do you know how many hundreds that is? Can you do the math quickly?

[Rory Scoville]

No, I can't.

[Josh Dean]

10 million. 10 million.

[Rory Scoville]

I was going to say 10 million. For all the listeners who think I'm an idiot. You know, my character in the movie Babylon, my big plot line was that I was using fake movie prop money in a real exchange with Tobey Maguire's character.

[Josh Dean]

We're gonna have to cut that in. We're gonna have to cut a clip in.

[Rory Scoville]

Cut a clip in. This money it is. The guy makes it by the kilo. It's not a big deal. What? The guy, Tony, the prop guy?

[Ryan Reynolds]

The prop guy's money?

[Rory Scoville]

No, it's the money that he makes. It's from your bank heist picture.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's movie money.

[Rory Scoville]

That's me and Diego. Manny. He plays Manny. And like Toby Maguire's character is, you know, so terrifying. Ethan Supley's in that scene ready to kill both of us.

[Josh Dean]

So it really. This is the money that you've handled?

[Rory Scoville]

This is the money that I've handled. And it was a part of this, what you're talking about.

[Josh Dean]

So how stuff works. Interviewed the CEO of the prop company about this order. It was 14 pallet loads.

[Rory Scoville]

Jeez.

[Josh Dean]

Just to buy the paper to make a billion dollars cost $77,000.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And that didn't include printing labor. Everything. So just the paper. 77 grand.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

The producers of Rush Hour 2 were able to bring in a Secret Service agent to approve the film's climactic stunt. Blowing up $1 billion in cash and having it rained down on the Las Vegas strip.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

But halfway through production, the agent told producers they needed to stop filming. The money printed by the company was too realistic.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh.

[Josh Dean]

But producers ignored the request and neglected to tell their boss. So we filmed the scene, says Billson, who is the CEO of the prop company. Extras grabbed handfuls of cash to keep his souvenirs. Then those bills started turning up in different places.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes. Yes.

[Josh Dean]

That's when the proverbial shit hit the fan.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

He got a cease and desist order. He ultimately had to turn over or destroy all remaining copies of the prop money.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

The Feds eventually recovered 19 fake bills passed at cash registers in Vegas in L. A. And more than 180 million stashed as souvenirs.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Interesting how they were able to get the souvenir ones.

[Josh Dean]

I know. I guess they just. People are honest, I suppose. They're like, okay, who took money? Like, okay, I did.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

I guess if it's the Secret Service, you're like, all right. I guess you're like, I'm not going

[Rory Scoville]

to go to jail for fake money. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Like. Like, what's the point?

[Rory Scoville]

I'm going to go to jail. I better have some real money.

[Josh Dean]

That was the last time that prop company did fake money, by the way.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

So this is nowhere near the only time prop money has made it into circulation from Hollywood. There's so many stories of people getting fooled by this. Restaurants, bars, box stores, Facebook, marketplace. Sellers have all unknowingly accepted prop money as payment. Like last year in 2025, two men used movie money to buy two Rolexes, plus two gold and diamond chains totaling 160 grand of jewelry from a store in Boston.

[Rory Scoville]

Damn.

[Josh Dean]

It took two days for someone to notice. After they ran the bills through a money counter, detectives pointed out that the bills said, in prop, we trust on them.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

But they probably looked realistic otherwise.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. It doesn't catch your eye.

[Josh Dean]

That's the whole thing also, by the way. And this is what makes this story especially crimeless. The suspect showed off jewelry identical what was taken on social media with one tagging the other and writing. We made history, bro.

[Rory Scoville]

Nice. Nice.

[Josh Dean]

I believe if we look back at our Philly coin thieves story, we will recall that maybe when you're stealing things, you should not talk about them on text threads and social media.

[Rory Scoville]

That's right.

[Josh Dean]

I believe a lesson we learned.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

These guys also have learned that now.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

You will not be shocked to hear that the police in Boston were able to track them down and arrest them.

[Rory Scoville]

You're right. I won't be shocked by that.

[Josh Dean]

Blindly accepting 160 grand in cash is one thing. I'm not so sure that I would catch a counterfeit bill though. I also rarely ever use cash as you pointed out earlier. Like.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, and you're not studying it. You could have cash on you right now that's counterfeit with also prop instead of God on the bill and you wouldn't know.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. How are we going to expect like the Gen Z cashiers of tomorrow to be able to tell?

[Rory Scoville]

Yes, exactly.

[Josh Dean]

Well, actually Newsweek did an article called Gen Z Cashiers can't recognize real cash think they're counterfeit.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So there was one story about two teen workers at yogurt shop in Florida scrawling fake do not accept unreal. But pre1999 five and ten dollar bills.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

The teen's slightly older, 22 year old assistant manager had to explain to them that back in the day bills looked a little different.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. So I love having to explain that.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, sadly someday when we're all paying for things in crypto, we're going to miss counterfeit.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

And that's, I mean that's the irony that now it's all digital. It's like, well now is it just a number you put into a computer? Like what's even real in any capacity?

[Josh Dean]

It's just fake credit cards and yeah. Yes.

[Rory Scoville]

Like bank codes, scams on your emails or text messages you get where someone wants to know your social.

[Josh Dean]

Someday this episode will be a quaint artifact of a time where you're like, oh, you used paper.

[Rory Scoville]

What? Yeah, these guys talking about paper. Paper money.

[Josh Dean]

After the break, we're gonna really make it rain.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, Josh.

[Josh Dean]

With fake money.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. You never talk like that, but okay.

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Visit spinquest.com for more details. Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On public you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index. With AI. It all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year. You can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you back test it against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like ETFs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member FINRA and SIPC Advisory Services by Public Advisors llc. SEC Registered Advisor Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not an investment recommendation or advice. Complete Disclosures available at public.comdisclosures Now I'd

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[Josh Dean]

Hello and welcome back to Crimeless. Finally, our last and longest story is about the professionals. Okay, and this is a good one. Yeah, the printers of extremely high quality fake money who are harder to catch because they're so good at their jobs. They're artistes. Yeah, these are the guys the Secret Service is most concerned with foiling. Since the late 80s, the Secret Service has been tracking the distribution of the quote Super Dollar, a very high quality counterfeit 100 allegedly made by unknown organizations or governments. Suspected origins of the Super Dollar are North Korea, Iran, or maybe even the CIA itself.

[Rory Scoville]

The calls coming from inside the house.

[Josh Dean]

I almost said that we could have done it in stereo. But that's not the professional counterfeiter I'm going to tell you about today. Okay, we're going to go back to 1938 when Secret Service agents encountered a professional counterfeiter who would elude them for a decade. They dubbed him M 880 after the name of the case file started when his first fake was discovered. But here's the weird thing. Unlike other Professionals. He actually wasn't very good at this, nor was he very talented at reproducing anything. He was actually very bad at it. In fact, over the course of his career, he actually got worse at reproducing money. But somehow the feds still couldn't catch it. Oh, during the 10 years they looked for Old 88, they arrested and convicted 1,385 people on counterfeiting charges and seized over 3.4 million in counterfeit money before it got into circulation. So who was this guy and how did he get away with it for so long? Don't worry, that's a rhetorical question. I don't expect you to have an answer.

[Rory Scoville]

Could you imagine if I just knew it like it's my favorite theft in history?

[Josh Dean]

That would have been great. One of these days that'll happen.

[Rory Scoville]

One of it will. It will line up.

[Josh Dean]

That was Kevin, that was Kev.

[Rory Scoville]

That was KEV train.

[Josh Dean]

In 1948, the New Yorker published a three part series about Mr. 880, which is where most of this information is being sourced from. Here's what we know. Emerick Jutner, born in 1876 in Austria. At 14, he boards the ship to the US to pursue the American dream. That dream, to live in a basement apartment in New York City.

[Rory Scoville]

Hey, we all, we don't have all the biggest dreams of the world. Sometimes it's an apartment, basement apartment.

[Josh Dean]

I have literally lived that dream. I did.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Wasn't my first. My second New York City apartment was a basement. So me and Emmerich, totally relatable. He first found work as a picture frame gilder, adding gold to frames, I guess. He also dabbled as an inventor, creating his own camera, but Kodak didn't buy the patent. Later in life, he developed his own Venetian blind that he also couldn't sell. And I'm now wondering what twist you could possibly put on the Venetian blind. Like, is it kind of added concept already?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Does it feel like it's kind of where it's going to be?

[Josh Dean]

He's like, no mind. Twists the other way.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, Like Australia with flushing a toilet.

[Josh Dean]

Turn it and they go backwards. Yeah, actually Venetian blinds go both ways already.

[Rory Scoville]

Exactly.

[Josh Dean]

They're very fluid. Okay. Anyway, in 1902, he marries a woman named Florence Lemaine and they have two kids. To support his growing family, he starts working as a maintenance man and a superintendent, allowing him to live rent free in the basement of a building on the Upper east side. So for many years, he lives a normal and uneventful Life. Then in 37, his wife unexpectedly passes away and by that time his two children had also grown up and left the nest. Yeah. So at 61, he's a widower, he's home alone, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He's feeling like he's too old to be a super. So he quits that job, moves out of the basement, finds a small flat for himself and his dog. Described in the story as a quote, undemanding mongrel terrier. Seems a little mean.

[Rory Scoville]

It does. I don't know why undemanding has to be a part of the breed type, but okay.

[Josh Dean]

An undemanding mongrel terrier that according to the New Yorker had no name. When asked why he said this, what good would a name do the dog? When I talk to him, he knows I'm talking to him, don't he? And I know who he is without calling him by some made up name, don't I?

[Rory Scoville]

But what does he refer to the dog to call for the dog? I mean, by his logic, none of us would need names.

[Josh Dean]

Hey, I guess. Yo.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, hey dog.

[Josh Dean]

I mean it is, it's not terrible logic. It's sort of like, yeah, the dog doesn't care that you're calling it. Like he doesn't know yours. Doesn't know his name is Charlie.

[Rory Scoville]

Exactly.

[Josh Dean]

He just hears your voice, right?

[Rory Scoville]

That's right.

[Josh Dean]

Anyway, to make ends meet for himself, he becomes a junk collector. He push a little cart all over the neighborhood, picking up discarded items to resell later. But that doesn't pay the bills either. You know what does pay the bills? Cold hard cash.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

And so Emrick decides, hey, I'll just make some. He already had experience with cameras and he could fix anything he put his mind to. So he sets up a print shop in his kitchen. Here's how he does it. He takes a picture of a real $1 bill, transfers those images to a pair of zinc plates. So this is like I, I would not know how to do that personally.

[Rory Scoville]

Right.

[Josh Dean]

He then Peyton stakingly filled in all the small details by hand. So he like makes etches a little plate using a hand powered printer and cheap paper found at a stationary store. He prints a bill. The serial numbers are blurry and crooked and George Washington looks nothing like the actual president. Also, he spelled Washington's name wrong. W A H S I N G

[Rory Scoville]

T O N. A little. Little mistakes. What are you going to do? Backtrack? Come on.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, if you're going to go to the effort of etching a zinc plate, though. Yeah, maybe you would like.

[Rory Scoville]

You never had to do that, Josh. You have no idea what kind of a time commitment that is, I'm sure. Yeah, it's worth prison. It's actually worth prison. Going back and doing it.

[Josh Dean]

And he probably takes long enough that he's finished and he's like, oh, fuck, whatever.

[Rory Scoville]

Fuck me, right?

[Josh Dean]

We'll just deal. We'll just live with it. He promptly spent that first fake bill at a cigar shop. But the very next day, the Secret Service received this bill. They initially thought someone was pranking them because it was that bad. Well, clearly the joke's on them, because for the next 10 years, Emrick would make $7,000 worth of fake $1 bills, which is the equivalent in purchasing power today to about 131 grand. But he only makes $1 bills, which he uses very sparingly. He sticks to spending money locally. Subway stations, dime stores and taverns. And he never hits the same place twice. This is extremely low stakes crime. If his spending habits are different, say if he drops 500 in one neighborhood or makes an abnormally large purchase, the Secret Service would have found him easily. But this was mostly limited to Manhattan, although a few did make it across the country. Seattle, Denver, Atlanta, Richmond. The Secret Service dismissed the idea that the purple is traveling. How could he afford to travel on such a tight budget? Yeah, they try everything to catch him. They set up traps at 10,000 stores.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh my God, how many employees? This is you. Everybody. Get everybody, every department.

[Josh Dean]

They distribute 200,000 flyers warning of the counterfeit bills. They ran PSAs on radio stations alerting millions of listeners to keep an eye out. Mind you, he's only done 7,000 $1 bills at this point.

[Rory Scoville]

Man.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, none of it works.

[Rory Scoville]

Wait, none of them worked?

[Josh Dean]

Nope.

[Rory Scoville]

Why are they going so, like, crazy with the resources here?

[Josh Dean]

I mean, maybe they're embarrassed. They're like, the guy didn't even spell Washington right? Like this. This is ridiculous.

[Rory Scoville]

It's almost like, oh, let him try to spend it like no one.

[Josh Dean]

Well, but it worked, I guess.

[Rory Scoville]

I guess in the fear that he get it right. I don't know.

[Josh Dean]

So here's how he did get caught. Finally, a fire broke out in his apartment building and firefighters were trudging through his apartment trying to put it out right? But it was cluttered and they needed to clear a path through. In doing so, they threw boxes of junk out onto the street. So, no, it'. What, you think the firefighters didn't find the stuff?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

A few weeks later, a Group of nine middle school boys are rooting around in an alley and discovered the discarded boxes, a few sink plates and $31 bills. Even the kids knew it was fake. They pocketed it anyway and they used it to prank their other friends with stage.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

When one of the boy's fathers discovered this, he alerts the authorities. The Secret Service scrambled to gather all the information they could tracking the boys down at their homes and local playgrounds. When the friends come clean, he couldn't quite remember which one of them had the zinc plates because it turns out the kids had made a series of trades. This just gets deeper and deeper.

[Rory Scoville]

All for Dunkaroos and Little Debbies.

[Josh Dean]

Someone traded a used catcher's mitt.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, he really?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, Used catcher's mitt. So the trader to use catcher's mitt for the plates then went on to trade those plates to a different kid for a Japanese bayonet.

[Rory Scoville]

What? Oh my God. I mean I was about to say where do you even get that? But it's like, yeah, of course you've got.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, a Japanese.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Eventually they find it with a 10 year old kid named John Canning. And the zinc plates confirmed it was Mr. 880's work. The secret Service finally had their man. When they show up at his door, they were shocked to find a cheery 73 year old with a quote, shiny bald dome, a fringe of snowy hair over his ears, a wispy white mustache and hardly any teeth. Emmerich seemed unconcerned that he'd been caught. He freely admitted his crimes. According to the New Yorker, this is how the questioning went. How long have you been making these bills? Oh, nine or ten years. A long time. You admit it? Of course I admit it. They were only $1 bills. I never gave more than one of them to any one person. So nobody ever lost more than $1.

[Rory Scoville]

Interesting.

[Josh Dean]

So each theft was tiny and he never went back to the same store twice.

[Rory Scoville]

I think it shows that he did have a brain and a heart about the matter to a degree. Totally. Because he knew that he was also ripping off his fellow citizens. It wasn't like Robin Hood to be exact. He wasn't really taking anything away from the rich.

[Josh Dean]

No, it a concern for like. Here's how I justify it. I only stole a dollar from anybody.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Any one person.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I actually kind of get behind that.

[Josh Dean]

I like it.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So Secret Service agents searched his apartment and found the printing press photo negatives in a drawer of $1 bills that did not pass his very low standards. Can Only imagine what was on.

[Rory Scoville]

Can only imagine what those look like. Washington with a V. Interesting.

[Josh Dean]

He was arrested and charged with possession of counterfeit plates, the passage of bills, and manufacturing of said bills. He could have spent 30 years in jail. Instead, the judge gave him a reduced sentence of one year and one day, a duration that allowed for parole after four months. And he faced a poetic fine of $1.

[Rory Scoville]

I honestly think that's the right call.

[Josh Dean]

I hope he paid for it with a fake.

[Rory Scoville]

And they were like, well, now we gotta charge you again.

[Josh Dean]

You're going back to jail.

[Rory Scoville]

God damn it.

[Josh Dean]

After the trial, the New Yorker published its series, and the popularity of the story led to a film called Mr. 880, which stars Burt Lancaster, Dorothy Maguire, and Edmund Gwen in the role of a lifetime.

[Rory Scoville]

Nice.

[Josh Dean]

Gwen is an Englishman best known for playing Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, there you go.

[Josh Dean]

He won a Golden Globe for his performance in this film and was nominated for an Oscar.

[Rory Scoville]

What year is the film?

[Josh Dean]

Arrest was. Oh, man. Now you're gonna make me go back and.

[Rory Scoville]

Ha, ha. You have to do more research,

[Josh Dean]

Lane. Do you remember this is 1930. 48. So he's arrested in 48.

[Rory Scoville]

No, but when was. When did the movie come out?

[Lane Rose]

The movie came out in 1950.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, okay.

[Josh Dean]

Two years later.

[Rory Scoville]

Very cool. It's funny because I feel like this is our catch me if you can type thing.

[Josh Dean]

Well, there's a great coda, too, because by optioning his life rights, he ends up making more money than he ever did as a counterfeiter. He lived for the rest of his life comfortably with plenty of real dollar bills to buy cigars. He died in 1955 at the age of 79, but had to be a

[Rory Scoville]

counterfeiter in order to get there.

[Josh Dean]

It's true.

[Rory Scoville]

You know, life's little paths. Josh.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. If you asked him at the end was it worth it, I'm sure he would have said yes, right?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, he didn't. Even if they never made a movie and he rich, I think he'd still go, ah, it's fine. Four months in prison. It was kind of fun. I met some guys, we hung out. Lifelong buddies.

[Josh Dean]

It's not an actually unfamiliar scenario to imagine, like, your spouse passes away unexpectedly, your kids are grown and out of the house, and suddenly you're like, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? He's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I got an idea.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Amazing. So it's a true Hollywood. Happy ending. The Secret Service finally caught their man, Mr. 880 retired in style and a little boy traded some trash for a bayonet. Yeah, everyone wins.

[Rory Scoville]

Literally zero. Loser.

[Josh Dean]

I love that story. It's. It's. I mean, how could you not root for that guy?

[Rory Scoville]

At no point do you picture it to be sort of heartwarming in the end, but something. There's something charming about misspelling Washington.

[Josh Dean]

Agreed. It would. The story would be slightly less good if he'd spelled Washington correctly.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

I love this guy. He reminds. It's. I mean, very different, but it reminds me a little bit of the British man who kept escaping from prison.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I was gonna say, I also kind of felt something like that where he. Don't even blame him. He's almost like, I don't know. I mean, it's on them to keep me in jail. Incredible.

[Josh Dean]

Anyway, if you ask nicely, I'll tell my counterfeiting story in a future episode. Oh, it involves identification all right. Or maybe it's a bonus episode. Stay tuned. After the break though, we'll play some games.

[Rory Scoville]

Lanes games.

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play social casino void where prohibited.

[Spinquest Additional Info]

Visit spinquest.com for more details. Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On Public, you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index. With AI, it all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year. You can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you back test it against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like ETFs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member FINRA and SIPC Advisory Services by Public Advisors llc Sec Registered Advisor. Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not an investment recommendation or advice. Complete Disclosures [e-mail] disclosure hi, I'm Cindy

[Cindy Crawford]

Crawford and I'm the founder of meaningful beauty. When Dr. Sabah and I decided to do a skincare line together, he said to me, we are going to give women meaningful beauty. And I said, that's exactly right. We want to give women meaningful beauty. Which means each and every product is meaningful. It has a reason to exist. It's efficacious. You're going to get results and then you just go out and live your life. Meaningful beauty Confidence is beautiful. Learn [e-mail]

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[Rory Scoville]

There she is. Lane's Games Lane's Games New theme solver strap.

[Josh Dean]

Oh yeah, we gotta keep that record that bottle that and put some music behind it.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, maybe we'll switch it up. This is the episode we switch it.

[Lane Rose]

Finally.

[Josh Dean]

Lane, is your hair permanently pink? I mean, is That a washout pink or is it gonna be?

[Lane Rose]

I mean, it'll eventually wash out. It's the kind of hair dye works.

[Spinquest Legal Disclaimer]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Josh, you don't know. You don't know the science behind, you know.

[Josh Dean]

I don't.

[Rory Scoville]

Getting your hair pink. You don't know ever do that.

[Josh Dean]

It's too dark. I can't dye mine pink.

[Lane Rose]

You have to bleach it first.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, bleach it and then that's a bonus episode.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Next week. Nothing better in podcasts than a visual gag like that.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Okay. Welcome back to Crimeless. It is time for Lane's games. Wasn't there. Wasn't there one more line?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, I don't know what I say?

[Lane Rose]

I don't know.

[Rory Scoville]

Lane's games. It's time for Lane's games. Get some music in there. Get a little jingle. Make it pop. Make it. Make it nice. There she is. Lane's Games. Lanes. And

[Josh Dean]

Lane, what are you and your cat there?

[Lane Rose]

He keeps coming back for more, you know.

[Rory Scoville]

Love the camera. Loves the camera.

[Josh Dean]

What are we playing?

[Lane Rose]

Bugsy and I came up with a game, kind of a choose your own adventure type. It's. Can you make a convincing counterfeit? Pass this quiz and you might. Oh, so there's kind of like, you know, this or that. This or that. And then we'll see if you pass the final test, which is me judging if I think you did.

[Josh Dean]

Are we playing as a team or individually?

[Lane Rose]

Let's have a counterfeit team. So you guys are working together on this.

[Rory Scoville]

So be it.

[Lane Rose]

First question, what bill are you printing? And I got multiple Choice. A, a $1 bill, B, a $10 bill, C, a $20 bill, or D, $100 bill.

[Josh Dean]

Well, I feel like.

[Rory Scoville]

Wait, so how could we get this wrong? If this is.

[Lane Rose]

There's no wrong answers yet.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, Josh, what are we going to do?

[Josh Dean]

The furry quiz.

[Lane Rose]

There's kind of like the furry quiz.

[Josh Dean]

It's going to lead us somewhere. Okay.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Should we go $20 bill?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I feel like that's. Not too high.

[Rory Scoville]

Not too high. Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, so what details are you including on the bill? A, Alexander Hamilton, B, Benjamin Franklin, C, George Washington, or D, Andrew Jackson?

[Josh Dean]

D. Hamilton. Is it Hamilton?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, I thought it was Andrew Jackson.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, we're already in trouble. Oh, our crew is divided.

[Rory Scoville]

Wait, Andrew Jackson is on one. I thought Hamilton was on the 10.

[Josh Dean]

I don't know. Now you got me doubting everything.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm gonna go.

[Josh Dean]

I'm gonna let you. I'll let you take this. Oh, my God.

[Rory Scoville]

But this would this could derail everything. I'm gonna go Andrew Jackson on the 20.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, we're a team, so I have to. I have to go with Rory.

[Rory Scoville]

Josh, follow me. Even though. Even though I think I'm wrong.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, how are you sourcing your design? Are you, A, hand drawing everything? You only trust yourself B, on Wikipedia, C, you're scanning a bill you have in your wallet, or D, taking a photo of the bill?

[Josh Dean]

I think we should take a photo, right? Okay, yeah, we'll take a photo.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, look, if we don't even know who's on it, we're just. We are basically the criminals we've talked about in this episode.

[Lane Rose]

So after careful editing, your image is nearly identical to the real thing, but you need to pick a paper to print it on. What material are you using? A, a bleached $1 bill.

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Lane Rose]

B, Bible paper.

[Rory Scoville]

No.

[Lane Rose]

C, satin paper.

[Josh Dean]

Nope.

[Lane Rose]

D, I'm making my own paper with fabric scraps and lint.

[Josh Dean]

No, I think we're bleaching A1, aren't we?

[Rory Scoville]

Are we bleaching A1?

[Josh Dean]

It's a combination of linen and cotton, which I know because I wrote that thing at the beginning of the show, so.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, I'm gonna go with Josh on this one.

[Josh Dean]

Bleach.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, how are you printing this? A, in a motel room with an inkjet printer. B, at home with a color laser printer, C at a local Kinko's with a flash drive, or D, I'm hand drawing them.

[Rory Scoville]

What was A and B?

[Lane Rose]

A in a motel room with an inkjet printer, or B at home with a color laser printer?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, B, the word laser feels right.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Clearly from the future involved.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, it feels like that's from the future, so that sounds right for us.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, what extra security features are you adding setting? Choose all that. Apply A, green eyeshadow to fake the color, changing ink, B, texture on the portrait's vest using a fine tip glue pen, C, glue a plastic strip into a slit you made in the bill. Or D, spray a matte lacquer on the bills?

[Josh Dean]

I think all the above.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, my gosh, Josh.

[Josh Dean]

I know, because I know that kind of confidence.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm following you.

[Josh Dean]

I know that colored strip thing is right. I feel like the edges is right. Yeah. Let's go all the way up of I'm with Josh.

[Lane Rose]

Okay. And finally, how are you spending the money? A, Walmart on a Saturday morning, B, self checkout at Target. C, a diner at midnight, or D, a dimly lit dive bar?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, I mean, C and D feels like you're getting away with it.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

B, Self checkout. Feels like the computer scans it.

[Josh Dean]

So who are we? Are we. We're choosing one of these. Okay. Okay. I think you're right. It's either C or D. Was it dive bar or what was the. What was C?

[Lane Rose]

Diner at midnight.

[Josh Dean]

Diner at midnight or it's darker in a dive bar. Don't you think?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Yes. Let's go that D. Okay, Let.

[Lane Rose]

Let me review your choices.

[Rory Scoville]

Here we go. Are we still wild cats?

[Lane Rose]

I. You almost messed it up right at the beginning. Andrew Jackson is on the 20, so.

[Josh Dean]

Yes. I was going to go Hamilton.

[Lane Rose]

So far we're okay. Taking a photo of the bill. Not the worst choice. You normally can't really scan the bill because of the material of the paper it's made out of. Okay. One of the top counterfeiters that got arrested, like, within the last decade uses Wikipedia to source his images. So that would have been a good answer.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Okay.

[Lane Rose]

A bleach dollar bill. Yeah. Pretty good. That's a good, good choice. At home with a color laser printer. I probably would have gone with in a motel room with an inkjet.

[Rory Scoville]

Why?

[Lane Rose]

Because that's what this Jeff Turner character did.

[Josh Dean]

Oh.

[Lane Rose]

But I don't know. Could be. Okay. Hit or miss.

[Rory Scoville]

But the laser printer's from the future. Lane. Are you not lasering that?

[Josh Dean]

In fact?

[Lane Rose]

True. I don't know what year this laser printer is though.

[Rory Scoville]

Thank you.

[Josh Dean]

From 2126.

[Lane Rose]

Okay. Well, in that case.

[Rory Scoville]

2126.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. 100 years in the future.

[Lane Rose]

Crazy.

[Rory Scoville]

When cash is definitely obsolete.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

I think it's risky to glue your own plastic strip in there.

[Josh Dean]

But you need it. That's what they're looking for.

[Lane Rose]

You do need it. But. But at a dimly lit dive bar. I don't know.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, that. They're gonna notice.

[Lane Rose]

They probably won't notice. What they're gonna notice is, like, weird glue.

[Josh Dean]

Oh.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh. The lighting.

[Lane Rose]

But if you're spraying a matte lacquer spray on it, it could smell weird.

[Rory Scoville]

There's a smell and probably a different

[Josh Dean]

kind of sheen, but I feel like bills are gross. But no one's smelling a bill. I've never seen anyone do the smell test.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, even your most normal bill is gonna smell at a dive bar.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, exactly.

[Lane Rose]

Exactly. So I'm gonna. Let's see if I can.

[Josh Dean]

Somebody's keeping that in his chuggy cheese costume. It smells real bad because there's no pockets in that costume.

[Rory Scoville]

I love that you're calling back other episodes.

[Lane Rose]

I'm gonna say it's 5050 whether we

[Josh Dean]

get away with it or not.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. So heads or tails?

[Josh Dean]

Heads.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, heads. You get away with it. Okay.

[Josh Dean]

Are you flipping a coin?

[Lane Rose]

I'm flipping a virtual coin. Heads. You got away with it. You got away with it.

[Rory Scoville]

Hell yeah. And to our listeners, that's how you make fake money.

[Josh Dean]

That easy.

[Rory Scoville]

We just gave it that easy.

[Josh Dean]

Also, Rory, credit, you saved us there. I was about to go.

[Rory Scoville]

Hamilton, you're almost dead. We're almost dead in the water.

[Lane Rose]

You almost really got arrested. I will say, the more I googled this, this sort of stuff, the more nervous I got about my search history.

[Rory Scoville]

That's a good point. I even think about that.

[Lane Rose]

Like, what's the best paper for counterbanking?

[Josh Dean]

Wait till we get to the Dark Web episode. Then you're going to be in real trouble.

[Lane Rose]

Can I get a burner computer?

[Rory Scoville]

But also, you get this information from less websites. So you only got to go to one stop shopping when we get to the Dark web.

[Lane Rose]

That's true.

[Josh Dean]

Darkweb.com. that's right.

[Rory Scoville]

I want it to be that easy.

[Josh Dean]

I still want it to be that easy.

[Lane Rose]

I'm afraid to search it.

[Rory Scoville]

Even as a joke, I'm afraid to find out.

[Josh Dean]

All right, well, we have won the coin toss, which has declared us incredible. Criminal master counterfeiting criminals.

[Lane Rose]

You made it. You squeaked by. You got that free Miller Lite. Yes, with your fake $20 bill.

[Josh Dean]

Our families will be so proud.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

And we'll see you next week.

[Rory Scoville]

Bye Bye Bye.

[Josh Dean]

Crimeless is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media and Big Money Players in partnership with Iheart Podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scoville and me, Josh Dean. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Stiminoff is our associate producer. This episode was written by Lane Rose and me, Josh Dean. We're sound, designed and engineered by Blake Rook with support from Ewan lytram. Ewan. Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadas, Matt Sher and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart podcasts and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman and Matt Apodaca. For Smartless Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Richard Corson. Bernie Kaminski is head of production. The associate producer is Matty McCant. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Mara. Do you have a question, comment or confession for the Crimless team? Email [e-mail] and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week. Crimeless Nation.

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[Josh Dean]

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