How to (Not) Hire a Hitman

Summary

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CrimeLess: "How to (Not) Hire a Hitman"

Podcast: CrimeLess
Hosts: Rory Scoville (Comedian), Josh Dean (Journalist/True Crime Podcaster)
Episode Date: December 3, 2025

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Episode Overview

The debut episode of CrimeLess dives into the bizarre world of murder-for-hire gone wrong, focusing on real-life cases where would-be criminals tried (and spectacularly failed) to hire a hitman—usually falling for the least convincing traps imaginable. The hosts investigate whether professional hitmen actually exist outside of movies and pop culture, break down the legendary "RentAHitman.com" sting, share hilarious commentary, and finish with a tongue-in-cheek personality quiz imagining their own hitman alter-egos.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Hosts and Show Theme

• Josh Dean and Rory Scoville set the stage for CrimeLess as a podcast that “celebrates the amazing creativity of the world’s dumbest criminals.” (04:41)
• Rory: “I will participate with you, the audience, in having my mind blown at how absolutely absurd the criminals of this country and world can be.” (03:08)

2. Today's Main Story: The RentAHitman.com Saga

Case of Wendy Wein ("How NOT to Hire a Hitman")

• Location: South Rockwood, Michigan, July 2020.
• Background: Wendy Wein, a disgruntled divorcee, attempts to find a hitman online to kill her ex-husband over alleged stolen money.
  • "She needed her ex-husband six feet under. Wow." – Josh Dean (06:47)
• Modern 'Hitman for Hire' Shopping:
  • Instead of “asking the bartender at the divest bar,” Wendy turns to Google—landing on the notorious RentAHitman.com.
  • “This is actually how we do one of our plugs for one of our sponsors—if you’re looking to off somebody, don’t be afraid of hitman.com.” – Rory (07:55)
• Website Absurdity & Obvious Red Flags:
  • Hosts mock the site’s claim to have “17,985 field operatives who have been 'whacking woes since Prohibition.'" (09:56)
  • Features like the "Hitman Information Privacy and Protection Act of 1964" (HIPPA) lampoon legitimacy.
  • “It felt like an SNL sketch.” – Rory (11:32)
  • Wendy, displaying some skepticism, still proceeds with the 'application', even emailing to ask why they’re not on the dark web—quickly assured by ‘Guido’ the ‘consultant’. (11:42)
  • "Nice try, but I'm not trying to get arrested… I prefer not going to jail. Thanks for your time." – Josh, reading Wendy’s email (11:53)
• The (Predictable) Sting:
  • By arranging to meet a “hitman” at a cafe (during a pandemic), Wendy falls straight into a police trap. She’s immediately arrested and eventually sentenced to 7–20 years for solicitation of murder and using a computer to commit a crime. (14:34, 20:36)
  • “The cops had bids going at the station. Who is going to fall for this? And, you know, someone was like, we're going to get one person.” – Rory (14:40)

Why Does RentAHitman.com Exist?

• Origins: Creator Bob Innis originally registered the site for an unrelated IT business, discovered he was getting serious requests, and began forwarding them to police. (15:15–16:43)
  • “He finds there are quite a few messages from people asking to have their wife or husband… murdered.” – Josh (15:41)
• Current Usage: He revised the site to make the parody (and warning signs) even more obvious to avoid entrapment claims, yet would-be clients still flood his inbox.
  • “He gives it a redesign to make it even more obvious that it's a fake...” – Josh (16:43)
  • 400+ requests with around 10% taken seriously by police. (19:25, 19:49)

Bonus Fail: The Would-Be Hitman Applicant

• Josiah Ernesto Garcia Case (2023):
  • Air National Guardsman out of work applies to become a “field operative” via the RentAHitman.com job page.
  • Application includes questions like “Can you keep your yap shut?” and “Do you stay cool like a cannoli in the fridge?” (22:04)
  • Hosts mock the earnestness of sending in resumes and ID to a supposed murder-for-hire operation.
    • "[He] even brags he's been given the nickname Reaper... in marksmanship." – Josh (23:13)
  • Josiah gets arrested in an FBI sting after accepting a fictional “assignment”—receives 5 years probation. (24:46, 25:20)
  • “I hope for all of these, the judge during sentencing just crushed for five minutes, rip roasting, like, I can't believe you fell for this website!” – Rory (25:29)

3. Are Real Hitmen Even Out There? (30:03–39:13)

• Hosts’ Ambivalence: Both want to believe that ‘real’ hitmen must exist, but doubt any working pro would be visible to authorities or the public. (30:08)
  • “If these people really do exist, they're probably too good to get caught.” – Josh (30:51)
• Most Real Cases:
  • “The majority of murder for hire cases are one-offs. It's basically you call up the sketchiest guy you know and ask if he'll kill your ex-wife's hot new boyfriend for $200.” – Josh (32:05)
  • “As far as I can tell, most hitmen as we imagine them in movies are cops—like undercover cops pretending to be killers, as we saw in the first act of our story.” – Josh (32:47)

Profiles in Undercover Hitman-dom: Gary Johnson

• Featured in the movie 'Hitman' (Netflix, 2024).
• Worked as a staff investigator in Houston; became the most prolific fake hitman, catching criminals with elaborate undercover operations and “Laurence Olivier” grade role-play. (33:21–34:28)
• Notable stings include a teenager paying in Atari games and coins, and a Republican club VP trying to off her oil heir husband with a $200,000 jewelry down payment. (36:30–37:17)
• “He was chosen sort of at random at first. But when that worked, the word spread and eventually he became the go-to fake hitman in Houston.” – Josh (33:36)
• “Because people are—God bless them—often really stupid, they keep falling for it.” – Rory (36:19)

4. Personality Quiz: What Kind of Hitman Are You? (43:10–49:55)

• Lane Rose (Producer) hosts a parody “hitman personality quiz,” poking fun at the entire concept.
  • "If awards were for hitman, you'd have an EGOT—like John Wick and Dexter combined." – Lane to Rory (47:33)
• Results: Rory is the elite “savant,” Josh is a cross between “the chill guy and the cold-blooded killer.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I think that absolutely sums it up.” – Rory, on the show’s scope (02:55)
• "I love engaging with the bartender—how many times does a bartender be like, why does everyone come in here and think I know who the murderers are?" – Rory (08:29)
• “RentAHitman.com is not a trap. It's got to be a legit thing because, like, it's on the open.” – Josh (09:38; sarcasm)
• "[RentAHitman.com] felt like an SNL sketch." – Rory (11:32)
• “Do you stay cool like a cannoli in the fridge?” – Josh (22:04, reading from the job application)
• “I think you are more than likely in trouble. In fact, the moment you meet [a hitman], you should try to reverse it and act like you’re undercover, arresting them.” – Rory (39:13)
• “I'm going to go with poison… because I'm wearing a Dead T-shirt. I could pretend that it's acid that I'm putting on sugar cubes for people.” – Josh, in the hitman personality quiz (45:17)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro & Show Mission: 02:05–04:35
• Wendy Wein & RentAHitman Story Starts: 06:07
• RentAHitman.com Features Unpacked: 09:56
• Wendy’s Arrest & Aftermath: 14:34–20:36
• Site Creator Bob Innis’ Backstory: 15:15–16:43
• Would-Be Hitman Applicant (Josiah Garcia): 21:20–25:29
• Discussion: Are Real Hitmen Out There?: 30:03–39:13
• Houston Undercover ‘Hitman’ Gary Johnson: 33:21–38:04
• Fake Hitman Quiz/Game: 43:10–49:55

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains a breezy, irreverent, and satirical tone throughout, with lots of improvisational humor, sarcastic asides, comedic accents, and playful banter anchoring the breakdown of truly absurd criminal behavior.

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Conclusion

The CrimeLess episode uses the outrageous stories of RentAHitman.com and hapless would-be criminals to explore the gap between pop-culture myth and reality, exposing the persistent stupidity—and dangerous gullibility—of those who think murder for hire can be a point-and-click service. In the end, the hosts and their producer gamify the concept to poke fun at the archetype, wrapping the episode in a tongue-in-cheek quiz. Their verdict: if you try to hire a hitman online, you're not just breaking the law—you're probably headed for a punchline.

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Next week: More dumb criminals and, maybe, fewer fake mafia accents.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Fitness Show Narrator]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points. You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000.

[Josh Dean]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Someone be eliminated.

[Commercial Announcer]

Pressure is coming down.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Josh Dean]

Hey there crimeless fans and David Gant Stans. If you have arrived here looking for Mr. Knoxville and more chapters of the hilarious tale about David and Mike and all those other bumbling thieves from Hillbilly Heist, I'm sorry to tell you that this particular story has come to an end. Johnny had to get back to his regular life. All is not lost. However, the crimeless train doesn't stop rolling just because we had to drop Johnny off. It has only stopped for refueling and to allow some new passengers to get on, like me, Josh Dean, and my friend in Denver, Rory Scoville.

[Rory Scoville]

Hello everybody and welcome to Crimeless.

[Josh Dean]

Coming up here in just a few Moments. We have a treat to play for you. Episode one of our new weekly show, Crim Less, a podcast that celebrates, as we will say many times, the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals. Would you say that sums it up, Rory?

[Rory Scoville]

I think that absolutely sums it up.

[Josh Dean]

I'm a journalist, and I'll handle the storytelling duties. It's my job to find the ridiculous tales and relay them to Rory. He's a comedian. He will crack jokes and also do some accents sometimes.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, the pressure's on now. Yeah. I will. I will participate with you, the audience, in having my mind blown at how absolutely absurd the criminals of this country and world can. Can be.

[Josh Dean]

And do a little Scottish for us.

[Rory Scoville]

There's criminals in the breaking into. What if. I hope this is a make or break. I hope this doesn't make or break. People deciding to actually listen to the show. Is that close? That's close.

[Josh Dean]

That was pretty good.

[Rory Scoville]

That was not. That's not going to get me a gig, but it's not going to not get me another audition for something else later without an accent.

[Josh Dean]

I agree. I. I give that a solid B plus. A. Nice.

[Rory Scoville]

Thank you.

[Josh Dean]

Every week together, we will unpack a new crime story that is too ridiculous to believe, joined occasionally by our trusty producer, Lane Rose, who moves more often than someone in witness protection, which, come to think of it, Lane, are you in hiding?

[Lane Rose]

Wouldn't you like to know?

[Josh Dean]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Lane Rose]

I'll never reveal my secrets.

[Josh Dean]

In addition to making us look good by editing out our worst jokes, Lane will cap off every episode with a quiz, puzzle test, or trivia challenge in a segment that Rory has named Lane's Game. Stay tuned for that just as soon as we spin our first side splitting tale. And with that, I present episode one of Crimeless, your new favorite weekly show. Please like and follow us on your favorite app and tell all your friends. Think of it as a pyramid scheme, but instead of money, we ask only for your laughs.

[Rory Scoville]

Just do it.

[Josh Dean]

Let's go.

[Rory Scoville]

Campsite media smart glass media.

[Josh Dean]

Rory?

[Rory Scoville]

Yes, Josh?

[Josh Dean]

Have you ever wanted to. Have you ever wanted to kill somebody?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, this feels like such a setup. Sure, in that fantastical I'm really mad at you kind of way, but would never do it and would instantly regret it.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, good. Good, because I'm not your lawyer yet, so anything you tell me is technically admissible in court.

[Rory Scoville]

I know, I know, I know.

[Josh Dean]

And we don't want to have to start recording these remotely from prison. Or. Or maybe we do.

[Rory Scoville]

It could be fun.

[Josh Dean]

That could be our new bit.

[Rory Scoville]

A lot of FaceTime.

[Josh Dean]

So let me start up and rephrase the question. Do you believe that hitmen are real?

[Rory Scoville]

I do.

[Josh Dean]

You do? Okay.

[Rory Scoville]

I think they're real because there's a.

[Josh Dean]

School of thought that they're like unicorns or undecided voters. Something we made up for movies. It is.

[Rory Scoville]

I will say though, every time someone contacts a it is an undercover cop.

[Josh Dean]

Look at you. You're always so far ahead of my storytelling.

[Rory Scoville]

It's always a cop. The reason I say that is you might be right. They might be a mythical creature that doesn't actually exist and yet people still try to contact them via Craigslist.

[Josh Dean]

Well, exactly, because today on Crimeless, we have a hilariously tragic tale of. Spoiler alert. A failed murder for hire scheme. We'll tell you how not to hire a hitman. And we will finally answer the question, do they even exist? That's after the break. Hello and welcome back to Crimeless, the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals while also obeying all traffic laws and never cutting the tags off our pillows or mattresses. I'm Josh Dean.

[Rory Scoville]

And I am Roy Scoville, good citizen of this world today.

[Josh Dean]

Our story takes us to South Rockwood, Michigan, a town south of Detroit that according to Niche.com renowned review site of Townshas a nightlife scene that's a solid B minus. And if that hasn't convinced you to move there, maybe this will. Back in July 2020, a middle aged divorcee named Wendy Wine was pissed off. She was sure their ex husband who'd bolted for Tennessee had stolen 20 gr. And the distance provided by divorce and all those state lines was just not enough. She needed her ex husband six feet under. Wow.

[Rory Scoville]

This is Covid time too.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, maybe a little extra on edge, right?

[Rory Scoville]

We're all turned up to 11 at this point just to set the scene.

[Josh Dean]

So divorce. She thinks he's taking 20 grand. Clearly the only option at this point is to have him murder, Right? Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, she can't even go outside. She's not supposed to even go outside.

[Josh Dean]

I guess that explains why she couldn't kill him herself. Because how would she get to Tennessee?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, exactly.

[Josh Dean]

So anyway, she's not a killer herself, she's a mother of two. And if Wendy's going to do this, she's going to need some help. She's going to need a hitman. How do you go about finding a hitman, Rory?

[Rory Scoville]

Hitman.com. you're is this. This is actually how we do one of our plugs for one of our sponsors. If you're looking to off somebody, don't be afraid of hitman.com.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, I feel like sometimes someone's leaking these scripts to you because you're getting a little bit ahead of yourself. But not by money.

[Rory Scoville]

If this is even remotely true. Oh, my God.

[Josh Dean]

Hold tight. In the past, you might have tried asking the bartender at the divest bar in town, or maybe your friend who's always got a guy for that. But this is the 21st century. We have the Internet, and naturally, Wendy turns to Google.

[Rory Scoville]

I just love. I love engaging with the bartender. Like, you know anybody who can. Like, how many times does a bartender be like, why does everybody come in here and think, I know who the murderers are?

[Josh Dean]

Bartender knows everything, man.

[Rory Scoville]

I'll do another Coors light. And you know anybody in town who kills people for money?

[Josh Dean]

So we don't know exactly what Wendy typed into her Google machine, But it must have been something like Hitman near me. Regardless, she comes across a website called rentahitman.

[Rory Scoville]

No. Shut up.

[Josh Dean]

No, Wendy, I did not make that up. Rentahitman.com youm can actually go there right now, and you'll find a website that looks totally legit and not at all like a trap.

[Rory Scoville]

Do you want to know what it makes me think of? It makes me think of, like, this is the police version of, you know when you take a kid fishing with their, like, shitty little kid fishing pole and the bait that's plastic but looks like a fish. And that, Wendy, is a fish. That was like. I think that's actual bait. I'm actually gonna bite. I'm gonna bite. I'm gonna eat that.

[Josh Dean]

Totally. Because I'm sure renahitman.com is not yet. Definitely not a trap. It's got to be a legit thing because, like, it's on the open. We're not talking 4chan or the dark web here. We're talking. This is the Internet in the open.

[Rory Scoville]

That's what Wendy was like, oh, I appreciate this.

[Josh Dean]

So easy. Who knew it was so convenient?

[Rory Scoville]

Good Lord.

[Josh Dean]

And it's not some janky website. It's a thorough resource advertising that its creators have 17,985 field operatives who have been, quote, whacking woes since prohibition. Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Also, that's a. That's also a lot of hitmen. Like, we have 17,000.

[Josh Dean]

I feel like maybe they over overplayed.

[Rory Scoville]

It there or I got to say, if this is a undercover cop scheme, they probably were like, hey, you don't make it 17,000. And then someone's like, who is going to this website anyways? Wendy? Might be them having to buy the website, them having to get it designed, them having to pay for that for that dot com. They maybe put more money into catching one person.

[Josh Dean]

An elaborate sting. Just waiting. Waiting for a fly to fly into that trap. Exactly. They even have a welcome video.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Oh, yeah. Hey, you. You looking for a hitman? You got an issue that needs resolving? Look no further than Rent a Hitman. Your point and click solution.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, we're on the world wide web.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Not the deep web, not the dark web, the World Wide Web. And, and you know, tell them Guido sent you. And we are 100% compliant with HIPAA, the Hitman Information Privacy and Protection act of 1964. So check us out. Rentah hitman.com.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, yep. I would. I would rent from here. It felt like an SNL sketch.

[Josh Dean]

Well, just you wait. There's twists coming. Rory.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, man.

[Josh Dean]

So Wendy's no dummy. She's not going to trust just anything she finds on the Internet. Come on. So she writes an email to Rena, Hitman's chief consultant, who you heard there, Guido Fenelli, saying this is kind of weird that your company's not on the dark web. I prefer not going to jail. Thanks for your time. And then she tells Guido she's in need of one of those consultants. She's willing to pay her hard earned American dollars to have her ex husband taken care of. Any guesses what they're going to charge her to solve this little problem?

[Rory Scoville]

I'm not going to lie. I cannot even guess. I don't even have a baseline jumping up. I have no idea.

[Josh Dean]

Five grand. Okay, doesn't feel like enough, right?

[Rory Scoville]

It doesn't feel like enough, but it also, you gotta know your, your, your, your clients. You gotta know what their income might be, right?

[Josh Dean]

It's probably not like someone in the.

[Rory Scoville]

1% isn't coming to deal with a website. They have someone on retainer for this kind of thing.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I kind of feel like five grand was a bit of a red flag. So the next day she gets a response asking if she still requires their services and if she would like to be connected with a field operative. She says yes, absolutely. Her husb still a problem in need of a solution. And she arranges to meet this chosen operative at a cafe. We talked about this earlier, but this is July 2020. Rory, what else is happening?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, Covid. So what's going on with this caf? Actually, now I'm worried what this cafe thinks they're doing. Open.

[Josh Dean]

That's right. If hiring a hitman from the Internet isn't bad enough, this woman is making plans to meet a stranger in public in the middle of the pandemic. Crimes piled on. Crimes here.

[Rory Scoville]

Sure, some of the piled on crimes are less critical than the crime underneath the pile, but yes, still a crime.

[Josh Dean]

So on July 21, 2020, Wendy waits for her hitman at the Dixie Cafe, a homey joint that, according to one review, has the best bean soup and fish around.

[Rory Scoville]

I believe him. I for sure believe them.

[Josh Dean]

I'm not a big bean soup guy, though.

[Rory Scoville]

That's because you haven't had the best.

[Josh Dean]

So the hitman approaches. We don't know what he looks like. I like to imagine a ponytail and he's named Snake.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Wendy tells him everything he needs to know in order to kill her ex husband. What he looks like, what he drives, where he works. Then she meets up with him a second time later that day and gives him 200 bucks for travel because he's not covering expenses. Wendy.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, that's right.

[Josh Dean]

You got to cover gas.

[Rory Scoville]

He's got a gas hotel, per diem. I mean, he's going down to Nashville or what did you say? Tennessee?

[Josh Dean]

Just Tennessee. We're not sure where. Yeah. And then. Well, I mean, I feel like you've already answered this, but can you predict what the plot twist is here?

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, I want it to be so extreme and insane that the hitman is actually her husband in disguise, and this whole time he's been a cop like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. But I know that that isn't going to be what you say.

[Josh Dean]

No, it's sadly, what you said at the top. It's a sting. Wendy got arrested.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. I think we're both shocked, absolutely gobsmacked by this twist.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, the cops had bids going at the station. Who is going to fall for this? And that, you know, someone was like, we will get one person. We're going to get one person.

[Josh Dean]

So, yeah, I mean, I had. How on earth does a lady as careful as Wendy get caught for trying to hire hitman on the Internet from the world's most trusted murderer for hire site. Obviously, renahitman.com, i feel like is the gold standard. So here's what actually happened. I have the whole full backstory for you, because I'm sure you want to know.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

So renahitman.com is run by a guy named Bob Innis. And he's originally just a normal dude who originally made the website for his Internet security business a while back. And that didn't work out. I don't totally understand how that worked. But it was meant to be a demonstration of something. It was never meant to be. A trap. Yeah. But he puts it up and it's left dormant. And then one day, Bob, he's bored, and he checks the site's email box.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, wow.

[Josh Dean]

And he finds there are quite a few messages from people asking to have their wife or husband or brother or uncle or second cousin murdered.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, my God.

[Josh Dean]

So he mostly ignored them until he got one that looked serious enough. It was a woman saying she wanted three people killed, and she even sent their names and addresses. So Bob shifts into Good Samaritan mode, sent the lady's information to a cop friend of his, and she gets arrested. So, Wendy, not the only person. Many.

[Rory Scoville]

In fact, many people.

[Josh Dean]

So shocking to know that there are numerous people out there who are just Googling how to have someone killed. Finding a website, looking at that and thinking this is legit.

[Rory Scoville]

The cops must have thought that, too. The cops must have been like, wait, what, Bob? What do you have? I just. I made the jokey website, and people really want to kill people, and they think it's real. They're like, oh.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, my God.

[Rory Scoville]

It's like literally going, what are we having for dinner? And then someone going, oh, someone set up a bunch of fishing poles and said, we could just have. We could just have whatever they catch.

[Josh Dean]

Oh.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, yeah, I like that.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. Bob's like, I guess I'll keep it up. And now I'll just use it as a trap. So he's a fair guy. He decides to keep it up, but he gives it a redesign to make it even more obvious that it's a fake so that he can't be accused of entrapment. Yeah. I think you can now vouch for it being really obvious. Right.

[Rory Scoville]

I thought it was a joke, which I guess it was.

[Josh Dean]

You said that looked like an SNL sketch, and you were wrong.

[Rory Scoville]

I thought it was Saturday Night Life. Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. And if you remember when we both chuckled at the reference to Hippa, if you missed it, that referred to the, quote, hitman Information Privacy and Protection act of 1964. It's an oath they make you take when you graduate from Hitman U.

[Rory Scoville]

You have to take it. Yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

So the website is also riddled with Mafia references. In addition to the head of the company being Guido Fenelli, who, according to the Website. Wait for this. Has been working at Rent a hitman since 1920.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Assuming you have to be at least 10 to be a hitman, that would make him 115 years old.

[Rory Scoville]

That's right. Wendy just wanted it. I think that's the world we live in. We live in such a world of convenience with our smartphones. We just assume that even this could just be a convenience.

[Josh Dean]

Right.

[Rory Scoville]

This is doordash.

[Josh Dean]

Somebody thought of it.

[Rory Scoville]

This is doordash for Wendy.

[Josh Dean]

The website also uses the word capiche a lot, which. Is that offensive to Italian people?

[Rory Scoville]

I don't know, but definitely a giveaway that it's not a real thing.

[Josh Dean]

I think we may still be allowed to make fun of Italians. Is that one accent we're still allowed to do? So do you want to do one for us?

[Rory Scoville]

People do. They debate it. They debate. They debate the freedom. I'll say. The freedom to make fun of an Italian accent.

[Josh Dean]

Where do you come down? Are you comfortable?

[Rory Scoville]

Hey, I just do that. Hey, what do you want me to do? This is my favorite. I don't know what this is, but I love it.

[Josh Dean]

Plays great on podcasts, by the way.

[Rory Scoville]

Really? I just. As I did it.

[Josh Dean]

Let me just say Rory is doing a great Italian impression with his hands.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. And. And honestly, every listener just pictured the same thing.

[Josh Dean]

Tiny little crab claws. Yep.

[Rory Scoville]

Like, facing upward and like.

[Josh Dean]

Like two crabs fighting.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. Not even a stereotypical impersonation. You watch any soccer game, you're gonna see this a hundred thousand times, right?

[Josh Dean]

Oh, yeah. When they get up from being fake. Fouled.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

Uh, let's just keep doing gestures. That'll be great for the pod. So not only is retnahitman.com obviously fake, if you do even the tiniest bit of poking around, there are a lot of articles written about it. So clearly, these wannabe killers aren't even doing a second Google search. Like, is redditman.com a prank, a trap, a joke? The absolute bare minimum amount of research I would argue you should do before hiring a hitman.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes, I do like that Wendy message. Like, nice try, but I'm not trying to get arrested. And he's like, yeah, but you want our services. And she goes, I absolutely do. Like, she was on the right path of suspicion until someone was like, no, I swear we're real. What do you need?

[Josh Dean]

She just asked the guy, like, shouldn't do a search. Like, have there been previous incidents? Like, yeah. Nope. Just asked. Yeah, she's a very trusting lady, that Wendy. So, according to Bob, he received 400 hitman hiring requests by the website. And at least 10% of them were serious enough that the cops took them on. Yeah, so he hands over the contact to the police. So you usually have an officer who steps in and finishes the job. So the guy who went to the cafe after she was arrested, Wendy confessed immediately. I mean, I think. What else was she going to do? Yeah, and she was sentenced to. To 7 to 20 years for, quote, solicitation of murder and using a computer to commit a crime, which I did not know was a second charge. Okay, so she's still serving time today at the Women's Huron Valley Correctional Facility in Ypsilanti, Michigan.

[Rory Scoville]

What happened to the kids?

[Josh Dean]

I do not have resolution for the kids. You've asked a question I cannot answer. Rarely happens, but I don't know.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, they probably don't give the kids to the dad. If the dad up and left, you gotta assume he's not in it to win it.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, man, this just took a sad turn.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, I want you to consider these things, Josh. When you find these stories, I know.

[Josh Dean]

You'Re thinking, this website sounds fantastic if you want to hire a hitman, but what if I want to be a hitman? So there's also a hiring section on the webpage. It's a job page where you can apply to become a field operative for the most prestigious problem resolution organization in the world. Surely no one will fall for that one, Roy, right?

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, no.

[Josh Dean]

No one's gonna apply for a job.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, man. It's in the thousands.

[Josh Dean]

Allow me to introduce you to Josiah Ernesto Garcia, an Air National Guardsman.

[Rory Scoville]

This is the gift that keeps on giving.

[Josh Dean]

He's from Hermitage, Tennessee. Tennessee plays a big role in today's episode, even though the website's based in Michigan. I don't know why. So in early 2023, Josiah is struggling to find a job. We've all been there.

[Rory Scoville]

Yep.

[Josh Dean]

So he starts looking for murder for hire gigs. We've all been there. I know. I mean, I just can't imagine how many rejections Josiah got before he makes that. Well, I mean, I was in the military. I could kill people. So Josiah, like Wendy, comes up on renahitman.com and he finds the career page. What a break.

[Rory Scoville]

Career page.

[Josh Dean]

So, remember, we've established the website's a trap. It's very clunky on purpose. It's designed to be really obviously fake. Yeah, so that only the laziest aspiring murderers would fall for it.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, who you wouldn't want to hire anyways. They clearly have no intuition.

[Josh Dean]

So the career page says, join the family, capiche? And it describes the onboarding processes as. As simple as whipping up a Sunday gravy.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. And.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Which is not simple. I'd like to note that's a. They. They don't serve it all week for a reason.

[Josh Dean]

You gotta dice the carrots. Real fine. Mm. So still, none of this fazes Josiah. He fills out the application, which includes questions. I shit you not, can you keep your yap shut? And if you needed to vanish, could you. And do you crumble or do you stay cool like a cannoli in the fridge? Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Could you imagine getting the butterflies? Like, just hoping you're answering these questions correctly because you really want this gig. I was too honest. I'm more of a tiramisu.

[Josh Dean]

The best Italian dessert. The site advises you to be honest in your application.

[Medical Ad Voice]

And.

[Lane Rose]

Or.

[Josh Dean]

And I quote, forget about it. Yeah. And Josiah, he sends a resume, a headshot, and a copy of his id. He even brags he's been given the nickname Reaper for his military experience in marksmanship. Yeah. Then he hit send and presumably waits to hear from someone from the HR department. Doesn't have to wait long.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. How long do you think he waited? Like, how long do you think they. They. Because surely they don't. They try to, like, sell it, even though they don't even need to. Yeah, they don't even need to.

[Josh Dean]

He's hitting refresh. They're not, like, hitting refresh on their email. Like, oh, my God, we got one.

[Rory Scoville]

Josiah is driving to the police station going, hey, I haven't heard back about this application, and I'd like them arrested.

[Josh Dean]

So finally or shortly, we don't actually know. He gets a reply from a field operative who is.

[Rory Scoville]

Rory.

[Josh Dean]

Who is the operative? Who do you. Who do you think writes back?

[Rory Scoville]

Is it actually Guido?

[Josh Dean]

It's an undercover FBI agent.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, I knew that. But does he say, hey, actually, Guido, finally?

[Josh Dean]

He probably does.

[Lane Rose]

Or.

[Josh Dean]

I'm Ricardo, his cousin, Head of hr. Yeah. So the FBI agent says they need to meet in person in order for him to get the assignment. He gives Josiah a $2,500 advance and the 411 on his target, who is the fictional abusive husband of a fictional woman. And then Josiah is arrested on charges of the use of interstate facilities in the commission of murder for hire.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay. I would like to point out this undercover cop should also be convicted for technically hiring a hitman.

[Josh Dean]

I think they're allowed to.

[Rory Scoville]

Maybe they're allowed to hire hitmen or.

[Josh Dean]

Like, Because I think money has to change hands in order for the be. Because otherwise the guy could be like, I was joking.

[Rory Scoville]

I would also like to point out Josiah was going to go kill an abusive husband. And I think we can all agree.

[Josh Dean]

That if you're going to kill somebody.

[Rory Scoville]

If you're going to kill someone, make it so that you're the good guy.

[Josh Dean]

So he pleads guilty to the charges and in April of 2025 is sentenced to five years of probation. So maybe they were like, oh, you were going to kill an abusive guy. That's okay.

[Rory Scoville]

I would love to see the judge and I hope for all of these. The. The judge during sentencing just crushed for five minutes, rip roasting like, I can't believe you fell for this website. I cannot even believe that this case is in front of me right now like that.

[Josh Dean]

We're sitting in this.

[Rory Scoville]

I can't believe we are wasting oxygen in this room to discuss the outcome of this situation.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, how do you imagine how stupid Josiah felt?

[Rory Scoville]

Or maybe doesn't even still get it.

[Josh Dean]

He's like, I hope when I get out, I can find a real one.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. He's like, I don't know why that website turned me in. Thought they needed help. He still doesn't know it's a fake website. Oh.

[Josh Dean]

And that is the end of our story. Renahitman.com, i'm sorry to say, was always fake. But it did make me wonder, do any Hitman actually exists?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I. I believe they do.

[Josh Dean]

I. I want to believe they do. And we're going to tackle that question.

[Rory Scoville]

It would make no sense if we knew about it. Then they are not doing a good job.

[Josh Dean]

Exactly. So we're going to dig into this and more after the break.

[Rory Scoville]

Do, do, do, do, do.

[Commercial Announcer]

When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for Sprite Winter Sp spiced cranberry. And put your twist on tradition. It's a refreshing way to shake things up this sipping season, and only for a limited time. Sprite. Obey your thirst.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

You know what separates the pros from the rest? It's not just talent. It's how you respond when the game gets tough. You dig in, you fight back. And when it comes to your health, that same mindset matters.

[Medical Ad Voice]

Yeah, especially if you or someone you care about is facing metastatic prostate cancer. There's a treatment called pluvicto lutetium L 177 vapivotide tetraxitan. And it's changing the game.

Plavicto isn't chemo It's a different kind of treatment that targets psma positive cells, including prostate cancer cells. Plovicto can be used before chemotherapy for some people.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Here's the official word. Pluvicto is a prescription treatment used to treat adults with prostate specific membrane antigen positive metastatic castration resistant prostate cancer or PSMA positive MCRPC who have already been treated with hormone therapy and are considered appropriate to delay chemotherapy.

[Medical Ad Voice]

Now let's talk safety. Pluvicto involves contact with radioactivity, which may increase the risk for cancer and cause fetal harm. Drink plenty of fluids, urinate often, use contraception and talk to your doctor about how to reduce the risk of exposing others to radiation during and after treatment.

It can also cause low blood cell counts, kidney problems and infertility. Tell your doctor if you notice weakness, pale skin, shortness of breath, bleeding or bruising more easily an infection or changes in urination.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Side effects include decreased blood cell counts, tiredness, dry mouth, nausea, appetite loss, joint or back pain and constipation.

[Medical Ad Voice]

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Visit pluvicto.com to learn more. That's P L U V I c.

[Commercial Announcer]

T o.com did you know Microsoft has officially ended Support for Windows 10? Upgrade to Windows 11 with an LG Gram laptop voted PC Mags Reader's Choice Top Laptop Brand for 2024. 5. Thin and ultra lightweight, the LG Gram keeps you productive anywhere and Windows 11 gives you access to free security updates and ongoing feature upgrades. Visit LGUSA.com iHeart for great seasonal savings on LG Gram laptops with Windows 11. PCMag reader's choice used with permission. All rights reserved.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental mental breaking points. You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000.

[Josh Dean]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Someone will be eliminated.

[Commercial Announcer]

Pressure is coming down.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Trainer Games On Prime Video January 8th. Watch the trailer on trainergames.com.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, after hearing those sad tales, has your answer changed? Are Hitman real?

[Rory Scoville]

I believe they are still real.

[Josh Dean]

Okay, I also want to believe that they are. So like we do know that there really are capos. Mafia assassins. People in the mafia who kill other people in the mafia for the most part. But I think it's pretty strictly that, like you don't kill civilians.

[Rory Scoville]

I hope that's true.

[Josh Dean]

I think that's bad for business. That's what I learned on TV shows.

[Rory Scoville]

I hope that's bad for business.

[Josh Dean]

But my question is, are there John Wicks in killing eves, like professional assassins in expensive suits who fly around the world killing people with piano wire and handguns with silencers on them? Yeah. Some experts say yes. But as I believe you said a few minutes ago, if these people really do exist, they're probably too good to get caught.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, we wouldn't know about it.

[Josh Dean]

Makes sense.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, there's some deep level military training that we don't even know about. You know what I mean? Like we hear about Seal Team 6. What about 7 and 8, you know what I mean?

[Josh Dean]

Or 9, 10, or even who knows.

[Rory Scoville]

How high up the ladder we could climb. These other seals will never even know actual. Some of them might actually be seals that know how to kill people.

[Josh Dean]

The Russian Navy. And this is true. Like trains like dolphins and like walruses and things.

[Rory Scoville]

Exactly.

[Josh Dean]

Like attack Swedish submarines.

[Rory Scoville]

And they're so good at it, they don't even know that they're. They're doing it. They don't even know that it's violence. These dolphins.

[Josh Dean]

He's like, what? I'm just a walrus.

[Rory Scoville]

I don't know what I'm doing.

[Josh Dean]

I just bumped into that submarine.

[Lane Rose]

Bumped into it.

[Rory Scoville]

And they taught me how to eat the side of it so it would implode and everyone would drown. That's all I know.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, this bomb tied to my back. I don't know. I didn't put that there.

[Medical Ad Voice]

I can't.

[Rory Scoville]

I don't have arms. How would I put this on?

[Josh Dean]

That's going to get you out of court every time. Always.

[Rory Scoville]

It'll always. If you say I don't have arms, you're in a different category than everyone else.

[Josh Dean]

No, your honor. Literally. How did I put it on?

[Rory Scoville]

You tell me. You tell me if you're so smart. How did I type in that website if I don't have fingers to answer that?

[Josh Dean]

Not guilty, sir. I mean, whatever you call a dolphin. So, yeah, we do know that the majority of murder for hire cases are one offs. It's basically you call up the sketchiest guy you know and ask if he'll kill your ex wife's hot new boyfriend for 200 bucks. That guy always gets caught.

[Rory Scoville]

Right?

[Josh Dean]

It is literally someone you met at the bar and he's like, all right, yeah, I don't got any work. It's Josiah. After he Gets out. I mean. I mean, in theory, the theoretical Josiah is the world. I don't want to accuse Josiah.

[Rory Scoville]

I guess the only ones we really know of is in the Tanya Harding Nancy Kerrigan situation. Is that the most famous hitman?

[Josh Dean]

But then he just clubbed her in the knee, didn't he?

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

As far as I can tell, most hitmen as we imagine them in movies are cops, basically, like undercover cops pretending to be killers, as we saw in the first act of our story. So that's a crimeless psa. If you ask your local bartender if he knows any hitmen and he introduces you to a guy in a bandana and Oakley's, that guy is an undercover cop. Probably, yeah. In fact, the most prolific fake tip man we're aware of is a guy named Gary Johnson. Maybe you've heard of him, or there was a movie about him. Glenn Powell played him in a movie last year called Hitman. Oh, I think it was on Netflix. I believe so.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

In real life, Gary worked for one of the DA off DA's offices in Houston as a staff investigator cop. Here, this. You raised this earlier. So this will be the answer to that. That question. Cops need money to change hands in order to make an arrest in a murder for hire case.

[Rory Scoville]

All right?

[Josh Dean]

So that's why the cop had to, like, say, I'm going to pay you 2500. He has to accept the money, therefore he's going to go and commit the murder. So in Houston, like, when they would get wind of a person looking to have someone killed, they'd call Gary up and Gary would go undercover. And he was chosen sort of at random at first. But when that worked, the word spread and eventually he became the go to fake hitman in Houston. And he's so good that Texas Monthly writes a profile about him by the great Skip Hollingsworth, a fantastic magazine writer. He describes him as, quote, the Laurence Olivier of the field. Oh, man. On the first couple stings, he dressed up as a biker, but then he starts crafting his hitman Personas based on the client. He might be a clean cut gentleman for a high society woman who hates her husband. Or the I don't give a shit, just give me the money tough guy routine he'd use on certain guys. He even did accents like you.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh. Which I'm known for.

[Josh Dean]

Maybe this is our fake crime for the season finale. You're a fake hitman. We send you out.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. And we document the whole thing. No matter how bad it goes, no matter how much Trouble. I get in.

[Josh Dean]

We record everything, and we're going to start. Ours will be renahitman.org yeah.gov everyone's like.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, the government's got, the government's backing it. It's probably legal or edu.

[Josh Dean]

It's a university.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah. It's educational.

[Josh Dean]

It would be basically improv, which is, I mean, that's partly your lane. This is. Yeah, this is perfect.

[Rory Scoville]

So I like this.

[Josh Dean]

What would your hitman, what would your Persona, your hitman Persona be? What do you think?

[Rory Scoville]

You know, I don't know. I, I, I always do this sort of Chicago Y, New York kind of voice. So maybe I'd be a cab driver. And as people got into the cat, and this is how hard I'm fishing people get. And that's right. That was a third fishing metaphor. You guys. People get into the cab and I'm always just like, you ever you need anybody, you need me to kill anybody? What's going on? It's actually becoming rocky.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah.

[Rory Scoville]

Kill anybody? Or something like that.

[Josh Dean]

A box him to death.

[Rory Scoville]

It's not as messy as you think. It takes longer. Yes. And it's very tiring.

[Josh Dean]

Sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes they.

[Rory Scoville]

Beat the shit out of me. But it's fun. I get a workout, you pay a little bit of scratch. Nobody cares.

[Josh Dean]

Hey, where were you? Where were you going again?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Oh, the airport.

[Lane Rose]

Okay.

[Rory Scoville]

What, Sorry, what, what airline?

[Josh Dean]

Terminal C. Okay.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, okay. Terminal C. All right. Let me know if you need anybody. Me kill anybody for you.

[Josh Dean]

So eventually, Gary becomes a local celebrity. A lot of people know about him, obviously. We said the press covers his stings. And yet, because people are, God bless them, often really stupid, they keep falling for it.

[Rory Scoville]

That is so insane to me.

[Josh Dean]

I know. He's profiled in magazines, he's in the newspapers. I mean, is it any dumber than renahitman.com I guess no. So one is a teenager who paid Gary seven Atari computer games, $3 bills, and $2.30 in nickels and dimes to take out another kid in class who liked the same girl as him.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, that's unfortunate.

[Josh Dean]

It is. I think. I hope, I hope we let that kid off with a slap on the hand.

[Rory Scoville]

Well, or, you know, something a little more aggressive just so he doesn't actually kill anybody. You know, really turn him around.

[Josh Dean]

Another one was a drugstore employee who hired Gary to kill his family in a car crash so that he could use their life insurance payout money to, quote, start a career as a private detective. Who travels the world solving crimes.

[Rory Scoville]

Everyone has a vision board, okay? And the way that you get from A to Z is not going to be the same for everybody. It's not going to be logical.

[Josh Dean]

How can I get the money to start my globetrotting private eye business?

[Rory Scoville]

Do you think the moment he was hired to do that, that this hitman was like, wait, is it. Am I being. Is this a sting on me? This seems so crazy that maybe I'm in trouble?

[Josh Dean]

A third was a former vice president of the Houston area Republican women who gave Gary a $200,000 down payment in jewelry to murder her oil heir husband. Oh, okay, so, I mean, that was pretty legit. 200 grand?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

She's vice president of the local Ladies Republican Club. There was even a cop who got trapped in the scheme after he hired a supposed convicted murderer to kill his ex wife. Then that guy, in turn, hired Gary as a subcontractor. So he farmed it out, and Gary.

[Rory Scoville]

Was like, oh, I know this guy. I work with this guy.

[Josh Dean]

So he had quiet years and busy years, which he theorized was thanks to the economy. When the economy is good as it was then, people don't get so frantic. He told the writer Hollingsworth. But when it starts going bad, as it's doing now, everyone gets a little bit crazier and starts thinking about knocking someone else off.

[Rory Scoville]

That should go ahead and tell you why it's important for the economy to thrive.

[Josh Dean]

So it's. Yeah. Murder Friar Rates may be a recession indicator. Yeah, keep that in mind. Bartenders and guidos of the world, the Frenelli family.

[Rory Scoville]

So I think.

[Josh Dean]

I mean, sell your stocks if people start hiring hitmen. Is that right? Yep. Okay, so dump your portfolio. And that is the. I'm not sure I answered the question exactly, but I think they may be real. We can't prove it. If you meet one, he's almost certainly fake.

[Rory Scoville]

I think you are more than likely in trouble. In fact, the moment you meet one, you should try to reverse it and act like you're undercover, arresting them.

[Josh Dean]

I got you.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

After the break, we build a website offering our own scheme to provide assassination consultations. Either that, or we'll just play a game.

[Commercial Announcer]

When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for a Sprite Winter Spice cranberry and put your twist on tradition. It's a refreshing way to shake things up. This sip in season and only for a limited time. Sprite. Obey your thirst.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

You know what separates the pros from the rest? It's not just talent. It's how you respond when the game gets tough. You dig in, you fight back. And when it comes to your health, that same mindset matters.

[Medical Ad Voice]

Yeah, especially if you or someone you care about is facing metastatic prostate cancer. There's a treatment called pluvicto lutetium LU177, vapivitide tetraxitan and it's changing the game.

Plavicto isn't chemo. It's a different kind of treatment that targets psma positive cells, including prostate cancer cells. Plavicto can be used before chemotherapy for some people.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Here's the official word. Pluvicto is a prescription treatment used to treat adults with prostate specific membrane antigen positive metastatic castration resistant prostate cancer or psma positive MCRPC who have already been treated with hormone therapy and are considered appropriate. Delay chemotherapy.

[Medical Ad Voice]

Now let's talk safety. Pluvicto involves contact with radioactivity, which may increase the risk for cancer and cause fetal harm. Drink plenty of fluids, urinate often, use contraception and talk to your doctor about how to reduce the risk of exposing others to radiation during and after treatment.

It can also cause low blood cell counts, kidney problems and infertility. Tell your doctor if you notice weakness, pale skin, shortness of breath, bleeding or bruising more easily, an infection or changes in urination.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Side effects include decreased blood cell counts, tiredness, dry mouth, nausea, appetite loss, joint or back pain and constipation.

[Medical Ad Voice]

Look, every day matters. And if you're in the fight or know someone who is, this is a conversation worth having.

Ask your doctor about Plavicto because just like in football, every play, every decision, every second counts.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Visit pluvicto.com to learn more. That's P L-U-V-I-C-T O.com did you know?

[Commercial Announcer]

Microsoft has officially ended Support for Windows 10? Upgrade to Windows 11 with an LG Gram laptop voted PC Mags Reader's Choice top laptop brand for 2025 thin and ultra ultra lightweight, the LG Gram keeps you productive anywhere and Windows 11 gives you access to free security updates and ongoing feature upgrades. Visit LGUSA.com iHeart for great seasonal savings on LG Gram laptops with Windows 11. PC Mag Reader's Choice used with permission. All rights reserved.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points. You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000.

[Josh Dean]

This is where mindset comes in.

[Fitness Show Narrator]

Someone will Be eliminated.

[Commercial Announcer]

Pressure is coming down.

[Trainer Games Promo Voice]

Trainer games on Prime Video January 8th. Watch the trailer on trainergames.com.

[Josh Dean]

Welcome back to Crimeless, your one stop shop for legal advice, improv comedy, and hit men for H. We've reached the point in the show where I must prove yet again that I'm smarter than Rory Lane's game. Lane, do you have a game for us?

[Lane Rose]

I have a quiz today.

[Rory Scoville]

It's always a quiz.

[Lane Rose]

Well, this is a personality quiz. I pulled it straight from Cosmo. The hitman edition.

[Rory Scoville]

All right.

[Lane Rose]

Just kidding. I figured since we were talking about fake hitman, we should decide what. What type of hitman are you guys gonna be, you know? Yeah, Real personality quiz. Okay, so.

[Josh Dean]

So there's no winner. There's no winner or loser in this.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, this isn't. This is all introspection.

[Rory Scoville]

You know, that eats Josh up.

[Josh Dean]

It does.

[Rory Scoville]

That eats him alive.

[Lane Rose]

He really wants to win.

[Josh Dean]

Crack through my shell, but today's about having fun. Okay. Okay, let's have some fun.

[Lane Rose]

So first question. You've been hired to eliminate a threat. What are you wearing? I've got some multiple choice. A, a tailored black suit, B, a wig and a mustache, C, khaki shorts and a Grateful Dead T shirt, or D, all white.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, I kind of want to look like John Travolta from Pulp Fiction.

[Josh Dean]

Black suit.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, him and Samuel L. Jackson. I kind of want that very formal attire. Maybe I want to combine wig and a mustache with a nice suit.

[Josh Dean]

Oh, so more like Samuel Jackson from.

[Rory Scoville]

So mostly I want to be Samuel L. Jackson.

[Josh Dean]

I'm going to go in honor of Rory, resident of Colorado, who summers in Burlington. I'm going Grateful Dead shirt.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, cool. What would your weapon of choice be? I've got A, a gun with a silencer, B, untraceable poison, but only after courting your victim for weeks, C, a bowling ball, or D, your bare hands.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, if anyone picks C, you're off the podcast. I think probably for good.

[Josh Dean]

Was that bowling ball?

[Rory Scoville]

That was bowling ball.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah. I feel like, a little aggressive.

[Rory Scoville]

I gotta say. The. The move should be the poison, but a gun with a silencer does feel like it's the uniform.

[Josh Dean]

It fits your uniform. And I was gonna say for me, poison, because I'm wearing a dead T shirt. I could pretend that it's, like, acid that I'm putting on sugar cubes for people. So I'm going with poison.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, you're right.

[Lane Rose]

And, Rory, you're going with gun.

[Rory Scoville]

I'm going with silencer.

[Josh Dean]

I think he has to. Where Would he keep the bowling ball?

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, I can't go. Bowling ball? Yeah, it's too much.

[Lane Rose]

All right, what's your rate? A, $100,000 per kill wired to your offshore account. B $1,000 per hour in a $5,000 retainer, C, whatever your rent and electric bill is that month, or D20 bucks in a Panera Bread gift card.

[Rory Scoville]

I mean, I. Like A, I'd like to think I'm worth it. Like, I'd like to think I'm really good at it.

[Josh Dean]

I'm charging by the hour. My time is very valuable. Okay, I'm curious what the resolution of this is going to be. What do we get? You're gonna. Well, we. You have a. Like a.

[Lane Rose]

A profile. Put that.

[Rory Scoville]

Okay, we'll each get an avatar, and we have to use it for one year.

[Lane Rose]

All right, how are. How are you nourishing yourself before a big day of. Of murder?

[Rory Scoville]

Protein bars, obviously.

[Lane Rose]

Fruit and. Okay, well, there's no write in Rory. A, fruit and yogurt. B, a perfect French omelette, C leftover.

[Josh Dean]

Pizza or D, milk, French omelet, yogurt and granola. I'm just sticking. I'm sticking with mine.

[Rory Scoville]

You're sticking with your crunchy.

[Josh Dean]

Yep.

[Lane Rose]

Crunchy. Crunchy. All right. And finally, what song are you listening to while doing the job?

[Rory Scoville]

I knew you were gonna go music. I knew music was next.

[Lane Rose]

A, no music. You work best in silence. B, Beethoven's Fifth. C, any Doobie Brothers song or D, twist and shout.

[Josh Dean]

C, Doobies.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, Josh, I feel like you have to go doobies. Just the profile you've built. It wouldn't make it just to go Beethoven.

[Josh Dean]

I also got to go doobies. It's true.

[Lane Rose]

Okay, this is interesting.

[Rory Scoville]

I would love to know that this is what you have to fill out on rentahitman.com. like when you hit the hire me section, you have to write all out how you'd like to look and be pick your hitman.

[Lane Rose]

All right, Rory, you got mostly A's. That means you're the savant. You're precise, clean, efficient. If awards were for hitman, you'd have an EGOT like John Wick and Dexter combined. You're the best of the best.

[Rory Scoville]

Oh, I love it. Just to hear that feels so good.

[Josh Dean]

And feel free to use that out of context whenever you're having a bad day. Just use that little clip in your headphones. Yes, you're the best of the best.

[Lane Rose]

Best of the best. Josh, you have a BC split, which means you're a cross between the chill guy and the cold blooded killer.

[Josh Dean]

Whoa.

[Lane Rose]

Kind of dual personality.

[Josh Dean]

I contain multitudes.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah. If you're feeling chill today, you're. You're kind of like if the dude had a lust for blood. You got into the gig because it pays. It pays you. And you only have to work a few hours.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah.

[Lane Rose]

You don't care about the craft at all. You just want to get the job done and go back to bed. Or if you're feeling particularly artistic, you're the artist. You love crossword puzzles almost as much as you love murder. To you, every kill is a puzzle. This is your art. So you're really good at it, but maybe you're just not motivated.

[Rory Scoville]

You know, I'm kind of surprised with your big Lebowski lifestyle. You didn't go bowling ball, but.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah.

[Josh Dean]

It's hard to conceal it, though.

[Rory Scoville]

It is.

[Josh Dean]

You're right.

[Rory Scoville]

And you do have to carry it.

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, it's heavy. I mean, how would you sneak up on anybody? Because I. And I. What I learned from cartoons is that I'd have to drop it from a very high floor onto someone's head.

[Rory Scoville]

Yeah, you'd have to really coyote it out.

[Josh Dean]

Right. Very hard. The level of difficulty for the bowling ball, very high because I'd have to drop it. And then I think, like, it. It. Like you have to calculate the amount of distance that's going the floor. There's physics involved, I think, is what I'm saying.

[Lane Rose]

Maybe. Maybe you're a hitman. For bowling leagues only. So you're just committing these crimes in the alley. The bowling alley, yeah.

[Josh Dean]

Not a dark alley.

[Rory Scoville]

No, no, a fun one. Well lit cigarettes. You're having cigarettes out there.

[Lane Rose]

Cigarettes inside.

[Rory Scoville]

A lot of witnesses.

[Josh Dean]

So in closing, no one wins. Or we all win. We all win.

[Lane Rose]

You learned a little bit about yourself, you know?

[Josh Dean]

Yeah, I did. Yeah. Yeah, that. Rory's great.

[Rory Scoville]

Rory's quote, the savant, excellent savant.

[Josh Dean]

And I'm.

[Lane Rose]

You're an artistic chill dude.

[Rory Scoville]

And you are just passing the class.

[Lane Rose]

Yeah, but, you know, you're fun to have in class.

[Rory Scoville]

You're fun guy.

[Josh Dean]

Yes, you're a fun guy.

[Lane Rose]

You're a joy to have.

[Rory Scoville]

Yes.

[Josh Dean]

In closing, everyone wins except the people who email renahitman.com. oh, those people. See you guys next week.

[Lane Rose]

See you next week.

[Josh Dean]

Bye. Crimlyss is a production of Smartless Media, Campside Media, and Big Money Players, in partnership with iHeart podcasts. It's hosted by Rory Scoville and me, Josh Dean. Our senior producer is Lane Rose. Emma Siminoff. Is our Associate producer. This episode was written by Emma Siminoff and me, Josh Dean. We're sound, designed and engineered by Blake Rook with support from ewin Lightroom. Mark McAdam composed our theme song. The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriadas, Matt Sher and me, Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart Podcast and Big Money Players are Jack O', Brien, Lindsey Hoffman and Matt Apodaca. For Smartlos Media, the executive producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Richard Corson. Bernie Kaminski is Head of Production. The Associate producer is Matty McCann. A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and Sabina Mara. Do you have a question, comment or confession for the Crimless team? Email [e-mail] and if you enjoyed Crimly, please rate and review the show wherever you get your podcasts. It helps people find the show and also makes us feel validated. Unless you're mean, in which case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week. Crymost Nation.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Josh Dean]

This is where mindset comes in.

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Someone will be eliminated.

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Josh Dean]

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[Commercial Announcer]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.