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Dan Casey
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Visit betterhelp.com goblinmode today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. H E L p.com goblinmode and now onto the show. You don't wake up dreaming of McDonald's fries. You wake up dreaming of McDonald's hash browns. McDonald's breakfast comes first. Greetings, adventurers. This is Dan Casey from Sagas of Sundry Goblin Mode. Now, we know you love immersive storytelling, tabletop role playing games, and presumably laughing your entire butt off of your body. So this week we're thrilled to bring you something that accomplishes all three in spades. An episode of another show we think you'll love. Rude Tales of Magic. Rude Tales of Magic is one of my absolute favorite actual play podcasts. So I'm very excited about this. In this improvised narrative roleplaying podcast, come and join Branson Reese and his jester's retinue, Christopher Hastings, Carly Minardo, Tim Platt, Joe Lepore, and Allie Fisher as a group of unlikely survivors. A talking crow, a lich in a wig, a bubbly fawn, a Sasquatch punk, and a Tiefling hun, specifically, who must solve the mystery of Polaris University's vanishment and return balance in higher education to their world. It's gonna be very hard and very, very rude. Whether you're a longtime lover of the series or a newbie to Cordelia, this tale is one you definitely won't want to miss. Subscribe to Rude Tales of Magic on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes drop every Wednesday. And now onto the show. This is a Headgun podcast. Ah, back to the cemetery to hear more rude tales of magic. Lucky you. Your old pal the grave freaker robbed, I mean. Found this dusty cassette tape inside of a casket. Random hole in the ground. Hmm, Nethermerc. Sounds freaky. All the freaks in the world have been cast down. You gotta be tough as bears to survive in this town. You got monsters, monsters for neighbors, monsters for friends. The monsters have monsters. The caves never end. The deaths go much deeper than you've ever seen. A night when you're screaming means a night of sweet dream, never luck. Stalactites, lack of light, never luck. Stronghold, dice. So I might never look. Eons ago, far from the teenaged woods, far from gods of vacation or gods of using the bathroom, Gods of bread crusts, slime or whatever, there was simply God. Capital G. Big white beard, O. D. God separated the light from the dark, the sky from the sea, and made up land and gravity to stick in between. But before he created all the plants and creatures to populate this new world, he crafted first an audience man. God made humanity watch as he delighted in the unspooling of his unlimited imagination. Made real. He birthed gigantic spiders, parasitic fungus, legions of screaming cockroaches, pointy eared elves, venomous eels who could drive cars but had never seen cars before. Carnivorous shrubberies, birds with teeth instead of feathers. And more and more and more. Always looking to humanity and asking, what do you think? But never really listening to the answer. Finally, one day, mankind decided it had enough of God in his monstrosity. And so humanity summoned all of its power to banish every last nasty creature it despised to the infinite darkness of the labyrinthian caves below the land. And exiled God along with them for good measure. Some of the more clever species tried to map their way as they journeyed downward, hopeful to return to the surface someday after humans cooled off after a little bit. But nothing alive is more clever than a human. And once all the monsters were underground, the cave tunnels were concealed and scrambled. So that no subterranean creature could ever find their way back. And that is why even today, we do not stray very far upward from our homes deep below in Nethermerk. The caves above are always shifting, always moving. Manipulated by the invisible hands of man, protecting the garden of the surface world. What you hear is the voice of Mrs. Irma Crudler, a sentient moss woman. More moss than woman, More sentient than not. This shambling pile of leaves with kind of a mouth and eyeballs is being carried. Tim, could you describe who's carrying Mrs. Irma Crudler, UC Ulysses Burden, a boy, 18, raised by bats. He's got white hair. He's 5, 10. He's wearing blue jean overalls. And under those overalls is a white T shirt with his favorite band, containment, on it. The last thing you need to know about Ulysses Burden is that he has artificial wings. Two billowing sheets of organic moss, each fastened to a bracelet, anklet and belt loop. So in flight, it looks like he's a flying squirrel. Otherwise, it just falls to his side. Thank you, Tim. So you are carrying the moss, and you are flying through the tunnels, gliding on heat currents and stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. So the moss was made by Irma. He can mostly glide, but it does sort of contain. It can sense heat coming up from bodies or hot springs or stuff like that, and that helps him maintain his flight. So are you flying, carrying me right now, or are you just walking? I think I'm now flying over some. He knows the hot spots with geysers and stuff. Sure, sure. I'm just sort of like. On your back then. Yeah. And it's sort of like an arch up, arch down, arch up, arch down. He can't really flap. Mrs. Crudler, could you tell us why he's carrying you? Yeah. My name's Irma Crudler. I'm an old moss woman. And you're carrying me to a big cave. A big cave. A cave big enough for me where I can put all my stuff. You're helping me out. I can't really move around so much. I need a big, strong boy to help me get to that cave. Mrs. Cruller, I'm not a boy. I'm 18 years old. Now that's like, practically man shit. Of course you are. And I pinch your little cheeks. Ew. Oh, you got your little baby fat. You're a big, strong man. Stop. Mrs. Crudler, please. You can call me Irma now that you're a man. Really? Oh. I mean, I'm happy to do so because you. We are peers now. Sure, we're peers. You know, Mrs. Crudler, do you remember I started working for you when I was, like, I don't know, 14? Do you remember that? I do. It was only four years ago. I'm no mathematician, but 18 minus 4 is 14. That's right, Mrs. Crudler. I did help you with the math. I learned in school myself. That's. I'm a humanities bitch. Yeah, I know. No, it's actually true, because I do remember. I didn't like all the humanities stuff. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. You helped me understand reading, you helped me understand books, and you help me understand numbers and figures. Stop it. Kind of. Sometimes, honestly. He's gliding over geysers popping up. Sometimes I wish you were my real mom. Because I feel like my parents get so protective. They don't actually, like, share knowledge with me. They just try to protect me from knowledge. Oh, please don't say that. You'll. Oh, you make me feel old. If I was 400 years younger, I tell you. Oh, boy. What? I was being flirty in the way that old people can be flirty to. To young people. And it's fine. Sure, sure, sure. Thanks, Mrs. Crudler. So. These humans are so tricky. They're always moving the caves around. Not you. You're a good boy, but, you know, everyone else. These humans are always moving caves around, crushing my hoe. I hate that they're doing that to you. It sucks. I. I swear, if I got up there one day, I tell them, just leave everyone alone, because we like things the way they are down here. Oh, the passion of youth. It's true. All the stuff you've told me, like, it really pisses me off because, like, I don't know if you really knew this, but, like, I really am a human, and I wasn't just pretending that. And, like, it makes me angry to think that there's people like me from somewhere else who, I don't know, are hurting the people I care about. Well, you got a good home. You taking me to a cave. Don't you worry. What are you gonna do in the. Are you gonna. I mean, you got more space. You've always wanted more space. Mrs. Crudley, I'm gonna do my little project. Whoa. Tell me. Tell me. I mean, I'm gonna do my little crosswords. I'm gonna keep up on my stories. I'm gonna spread out. So I actually talked to some of my friends, and we have found some moss that we can actually put in some pipes. And I was wondering if you had any access to some of that stuff in the. In the cave or if we can smoke. Are you asking if you can smoke? My body like a drug? You can. Teenagers do it all the time. Well, I've. That's how we die. See, I've seen teenagers do it, and I. So I didn't know if it was something you were allowed to. I didn't want to do it until I was officially 18, which I am now. But now that I am officially 18, I feel like I Can't smoke. So can I smoke your body? All right. I tell you, bringing me to a new cave, you can take a little bit of my body. You're gonna spread out so much during the cave. You're gonna be like three times the size you are now. It's not even need that much. You're not gonna need that much mass. Okay, okay. Somebody's getting upset. I'm. I'm not upset, Mrs. Crudler. I just. It's just logical that you won't need that much body. All right, fine. I'll donate some of my body so you can get high. Thank you, Mrs. Crudler. I'll. I'll give you a toe so that certain songs will sound better to you. Honestly. Oh, actually, dude, did you actually want to hear Containment? Because Containment is a good band that I've been telling you about. And I've been wondering if, like, I actually. So not a lot of adults like Containment, but I feel like maybe you. You would. I'm really passionate about them. Oh, boy. What a pitch. Yeah. I'm really excited to hear this. Bad now. Fine. Knowing my peers. Don't care for them. Fine. Gee, I was just asking you all. You. You always ask. You always ask what I'm listening to and I'm telling you. And I feel. I think more adults would like them if they just listened up a bit. Song for me. Okay. You are immoral. If you fail, fail. Pleasure. Don't feel Pleasure. Don't feel Pleasure don't feel Containment. Wow. They say their own name. They do. It's like. It's really cool. Cause not a lot of bands do that these days, but they're sort of telling a story. It's sort of like an in joke. They like telling a story with their songs. Right. Containment is the band, but it's also like a fictional band. It's crazy. Like gorillas. Yuli's song echoes through the caverns as they make their way to a cave big enough for all of Ermes, Duff and her crosswords. Elsewhere in the Nethermerc, a kobold approaches a chilly, windy cavern that seems to go so far down below. That's it? It just goes to space? Probably not, but it looks like it. And there is a rickety bridge that swings in the cool breeze over this cavern. Joe, could you tell us about this kobold? You see a fuchsia, scaly kobold. He's about three feet tall. He's dressed in khaki pants with lots of pockets. He's wearing a khaki shirt. With lots of pockets. Wow. And he's got a leather jacket on. You are looking at none other than Paris, Kansas. The most intrepid treasure hunter in the whole world. Nethermerk. But what's in his hand? It's little Lemon. A small beautiful woman in a cage. What is their situation? Put those headphones on. King snares. Oh no. Don't step on me in a cake. Good. It might be. And in public where my mom can see. The cage is for her protection. Looks like maybe it was a canary cage once. There's some feathers on the floor. But let's look at her again. She's a glow pixie. Beautiful. She's wearing a button down shirt tied in the front. It's sort of a blush pink. And then underneath it's blue. And then she also has khaki shorts on with a brown belt and hiking boots. Are you saying she glows? When she wants to. Oh, that's exciting. And that must be very useful for a kobold explorer down here in these dark, dark caves. Well, I have dark vision. Oh God. Come on. But sometimes when we're exploring a ruin. Yeah. You better believe it's useful. That's right. We're a team. Dusting a belt. Lemon. I don't know. I don't know if I like the looks of this bridge. But. He looks back. I don't think we have much choice. Paris. I hate it. It looks dicey, Lemon. But we gotta cross this bridge if we're gonna get to wing slip. I don't like it. This bridge looks terrible. But I don't trust anyone other than you to carry me over it. I could release you. That way if the bridge breaks, you'd be okay. No, I'm comfortable in here. This is my spot. You're right. I'm sick of having this conversation. Like we've always said, if we die, we die together. Can I get you two to roll me some perception checks? Yeah. Squeen. Yes. Queen. Damn. First roll session. I got a 12. Ally, shut up. I got a 12. He did. I fucking saw it. Are you serious? 12? Twins. I don't trust Joe at all. But that was a 12. Hey, sorry. We work together. Yeah, dude, it's hell. So you two have had this conversation and turned away from the bridge for a moment. A 12 for both of you will get you noticing the sound of two twin snaps of rope and the bridge fall to the other side of the cavern. Okay. Chris, are we on the bridge? No. Okay, you're about to cross. Oh, Chris doesn't like your character and roll again. Can you imagine if we had that conversation on the bridge? We'd be dead, but at least we'd be dead together. A slimy tentacle slaps up onto the ledge, and then another, and then another, and then another tentacle, another tentacle, a sixth tentacle, a seventh tentacle, and an eighth tentacle pulling up an octoman. But not just any octoman. No, no. You can see Chris. No. Come on. Yeah, Chris. Yeah. I'm sorry. I thought we left him behind weeks ago. 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Get started with Factor meals.com Factor podcast and use code Factor podcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. That's Code Factor podcast at FactorMeals.com Factorpodcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Fungus growing out of his beak. Out of one of his eyeballs in a weird stalk. This is a fungalganger. Basically a zombie that has been taken over by a fungus that puppets him. This octoman is long dead. What stands before you is Fungonger opa. Fungalganger style. Paris, what are you talking about? I don't know. I'm driven mad with fury. Paris. Yeah? It's a fungalganger. Oh, you're. Oh, God. How did you find us? It was easy. I followed your scent. You stink like rotten eels. Which of us? Both of you. I thought I got that new deodorant. Have you worn it? No. I'm so sorry, Paris. It seems that you don't understand that I've made quite a joke at your expense. I can't smell you at all. You smell fine. You smell as most kobolds do. Vest Dog. It's not that stinky and it only lasts about a half mile away. No, I was able to track you because I am simply a superior track. And I knew you would be coming this way, and so I came first to take out the bridge. Hello, Lemon. Hello again. How's lighting things up? Bunny, you should mention. And she holds out her palm straight in front of her with her palm sort of like up, as if she's going to give the fungus a high five. And then like a dilating doorway, her palm opens and like, shoots out. Of it right into his eye. As she does that, Paris is going to take the opportunity to kick him where the balls would be in his octo. Balls? Yeah, Back into the chasm. Does he have 16? Yeah. Okay, cool. 16 balls. All right, so you're going to try to chun Li all these balls? Yeah. All right, I need you to roll an attack. That's gonna be another 12. 12. Wow. I'm gonna say you hit enough that your attack works. Ow, ow, ow. Oh, I shouldn't have connected to this octoman's nervous system. And as he. He groans as he flies in slow motion over the cavern. You can take out one of me, but you can't take out all of me. I'll find you again. He's right. We've got to keep moving. Run. But the bridge. Oh, Chris, how far is the chasm? How big a hole we looking at? Is what I'm trying to say? 50 yards. Oh, shit. Oh, damn. Is there a large string? I have rope. That's what I'm talking about. That's what that is. Wrapped around his shoulder, Paris has a bundle of rope, let's say, I don't know, 50 yards worth. And he's going to find a nearby rock. Paris actually has a proficiency in jury rigging, and so he's going to fashion a sort of grapple to swing across the chasm and give a good rope swing for. All right. Yeah. There are stalactites hanging from very high up. You can give it a shot. He shoots it. You must. Your jerry rigging, that's. That's. What's that skill. Is that tied to. That's tied to my intelligence. Excellent. So I rolled a five, and with a plus four, that's a nine. Okay. Yeah. Your grapple strikes a stalactite and then falls back down. Fanfan fans, we meet again. You hear a voice way far behind you. Barry, aim for this. And she shoots light at a gemstone that's like high up by one of the stalactites. And you can see there's like a whole sort of, like, ring that you can hit. Yeah. In fact, it's like, kind of yellow, letting me know I can interact with it. Yes. So you've lit up a gemstone that is studding the cave, basically. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah, it lights up and, like, it's as though you charged and the glow remains after you stop shooting the speed of light at it. And it's basically an arrow pointing at an extremely convenient hook shaped rock that you can hit. Lemon. You're right. That's recessed just enough that if I hit it just right, it'll be the perfect point. Hurry. I can see that they found a perfect spot to hit their grapple. I can see it, too. Paris swirls his rope. He's swinging. He's swinging his improvised grapple. And then he lets it loose. I roll again. That's a critical fail. Very focus. Yeah. You do hit it. It's just. You grapple, the hook rock perfectly, but in your excitement, you let go of the rope and it just swings out over the center of the chasm. I would say precisely 25 yards away from you. That's pretty far. Bummer. So you've been hearing the Fungogange talking in a chorus behind you. Getting louder. And if you look back, you will see what look like maybe a dozen glowing little mushrooms skittering across, like, across the floor towards you. You can guess that they have infected a swarm of cockroaches. So they're not like superpower mushrooms where we eat them and then we can jump really far. I wouldn't advise it. Should we try it? No. Oh. He always finds the worst things to make his. And Paris is going to put out his fist. Okay. And on his middle finger, there is an opal ring. Okay. He's going to say the magic words. Burn, baby, burn. And he casts firebolt. Oh, my God. Okay. What? At the. All the little cockroaches. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. Roll an attack roll. But that is a 19. Oh, yeah. You. You light up all the cockroaches. And they scream in fungalganger. Oh, no. Oh, that's the ring. He spoke from the boat. Oh, no. That's why we're chasing after him. Yes, I know. We're all the same guy. We know. Oh. Die. Oh, no. Caves are silent again. But the flame has created a puff of hot air. A thermal, if you will. Yeah. And quickly. Thinking quickly, Paris is going to take off his leather jacket. No. Get it, Paris. Tie it around his waist. No, too heavy. But then he's going to take off his khaki shirt, revealing a pretty brawny cobalt chest. Nice. And way more nipples than we were ready for. Yeah. Yeah. 3. That's way more than I would prepare for. And he's going to fashion a cape again. He is proficient at jury rigging. Yeah. So he is going to try and use this hot air and the cape made out of his shirt to give him a little extra boost to soar over to the rope to make you know, he's probably going to fall. But he thinks he can fall far enough that he can catch the rope and then swing to safety. I'm worried. And you're carrying Lemon in her key. Always carrying Lemon in your other hand. Or is she attached to your purse? I've got. I'm wearing a satchel, and there is a little carabiner on the shoulder strap, and I can hook Lemon's cage to the carabiner. Okay, great. Thank you very much. I'm going to need you to roll a Legend of Zelda choke Breath of the wild check. Specifically. That's gonna be a seven. Oh, I'm rolling really good. Sorry, boy. Yeah, no, you jump over the cavern. I mean, I'm. Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah. And you start falling at normal speed. It's working. It's working. It's, oh. Far from the cavern of recent doom. In the Battingham caverns, just on the edges of Wingslip, a little bat boy named Linus practices his homework. Linus is a darling little creature. He has great big ears and tiny, little. Tiny little sparkling, squinting eyes. He's dressed in what kind of looks like a scout uniform with a scalloped collar and a little kerchief and little shorts, all in different shades of, like, mossy, foresty greens. He is sitting atop a constructed fence, and he's looking out at his family's spider ranch. And the giant spiders are just kind of like, lazing around like sleepy cows on a hot day. They're, like, you know, kind of picking at gravel and stuff on the ground. And Linus is sitting. His little feet don't even touch the bottom of the rung of the fence that he's sitting on. And he is trying out some new echolocation skills that he learned in school that day. Ooh. So, yeah, you are in, like, a main, like, kind of just lounging area for the domesticated spiders that your family raises. And they're huge, these spiders. Yeah. Are you scared of the spiders at all? No. No. I have been around these creatures since I was a baby. I've seen generations of them come and go. My parents tell me they get to go to other cool farms and check out what it's like there. I've even helped harvest some of their wool to make sweaters. Ooh, spider wool. Yeah. It's surprisingly unpleasant to wear. Great. You'd never guess. So you're in kind of like a lounge area for these spiders. And then beyond that, there are tunnels that go up and down in diagonal in all sorts of directions that the spiders come in and out of. And These are areas where they web up the caverns as a means of protecting the bat people and also a place for the bats to use the spider webs to catch other giant insects and other monsters that you all get to harvest and enjoy for meat. Yes. Okay, so you're practicing your echolocation? Yes. Every generation of spiders, Linus picks his favorite one and names it Gumball. And so he's like, so today, Gumball, we learned. I learned different. Like, if you kind of like bend the note, you know, like you're yodeling, you can actually echolocate around corners and I'll show you. Shh. No, no, don't be scared, don't be scared. It's like music. Listen. And then he emits a very pleasant sound that echoes gently through the chamber of the cavern. All right, can you. Can you roll me an echo check? Yeah. Nat 20. Nat 20. Oh, my God. What are you not Joe? Hey, I'm 12 over here. Linus. It is as though the cavern around you lights up in a four dimensional chorus of sound and light as one. This is how well treated frame you are in echolocation. There is no difference between sound and light to you. Imagery, music, it's all the same right now, in this beautiful moment, as every single tiny detail from around every one of these caverns comes back to you. You can see the ridges of the caves lit up in colors that don't exist and songs that have never been written. And you can see every individual hair on every spider that's climbing around in their. You even notice that there's actually something that's not quite usual about one of the spiders that's around one of the corners. And it seems as though it hears you ping it and then it skitters off to hide. It's as though some of the shapes weren't as like, soft in their furry parts or squishy in the eyeball parts. It is as though there was some sort of hidden hard edges on the body of this spider somewhere, but it is already receding beyond your sight as your echo dims. LINUS GULPS. Oh, Gumball. Do you know that spider? I should tell a grown up. I should tell a grown up. Tell a grown up what, little boy? Behind you, you see an elderly bat in a weathered cowboy hat kind of hobbling up towards you, not even making an attempt to fly whatsoever. His ears are holey and like thick and calcified. Oh, thank goodness. Linus is going to flit off of the fence and glide towards this elder that looked like you were Making a pretty good sound there, fella. Oh, thank you. I. Yeah, I'm. You know, I'm not supposed to brag, but I am top of my class. Oh. What's your name? My name is Linus Burden. Oh. I'm Vermin Boone. Oh, wow. I'm afraid I don't echo so good myself these days. I had one of the spiders from my own farm come this way, but I can't seem to find it. Oh. Oh, thank goodness. I was really worried because I didn't recognize the corners on that particular spider when I echoed at it. Corners, you say? Yeah, it's like, you know, my spiders are smooth and round. So am I, the spiders. Oh, well, because when I echoed, this particular spider was, like, full of elbows or something. Oh, my. That sounds so fearsome. Yeah, I kind of thought that you were maybe here to fix it. I don't know nothing about that. I'm rather lost myself. I don't see so good or hear so good. All right, mister. Well, we'd better go find my parents because I'm not authorized to really, like, make decisions, you know, about which spiders get to go to different farms. That's something my parents do, and they say that the other farms are cool. Oh, okay. Well, then if you don't mind, before you head yourself back, maybe you could take me back my way to my farm. I know it's this a way. And he gestures into a tunnel that you've only been down like a mile before. You haven't really gone that far away from town before. We kind of zoom into Linus large furry head, and we see what looks like a chalkboard. And we see in very juvenile handwriting, like an equation, like adult equals trust equals authority. And then like. Like a division line. And then far from home plus stranger equals X. And then just like, chalk scratching it all out in frustration as we hear Lennox go. Oh, I wish you was here. Who's Yuli? Yuli is my big brother and he's so cool. Oh, a big brother bat, you say? I think I saw one of those. Back this away. And he starts to hobble down that cave that. You haven't gone that far away from town before. Oh, I can't see. I can't see anything up here. Maybe a good strong echo boy could help show me how to find his big brother. That I'm pretty sure I saw. This way, Chris. Does Vermin Boone's Cavern. Like. Like the path that he's. He's trying to lead me down. Does it. Does it come anywhere near my Parents house. Like the farmhouse, it goes in precisely the opposite direction. Oh, God. Okay. That's tough. Okay. Linus is going to just kind of straighten out his kerchief and he's going to say, all right. Well, okay. Well, to be honest, sir, you're a stranger. But I also know that you're old, and I don't want you to get hurt out there. So I'm gonna follow you. Okay. But then I have to be home in time for dinner. Of course. I wouldn't dream of having a young, nice, bad boy miss his dinner. Have your spiders caught something nice for you and your family to eat? And he's just hobbling on down that tunnel. Linus kind of puffs up his chest. He's a brave boy. He is, though, gonna reach into his pocket and start, like, breaking apart little pieces of peanut shells. Okay. That he's sort of leaving a trail. Okay. Linus starts laying out a trail of peanut shells behind him to mark the way back. And he flits to catch up with vermin. And then he kind of takes the elder bat under the wing and is like, all right, you just tell me which way and I'll help you. No need to get that close, little fella. And he winces from under your arm. Can you roll a perception check for me? Yeah. Eleven. Okay. Yeah. He seems nervous. You don't have to be scared, Mr. Boone. I'm gonna take good care of you. Thank you. I'm just so frightened in these dark tunnels where I can't hear or see nothing. You have to help me. And Linus lets out another pleasant chirp of echolocation that bounces off the caves. The human boy, nae man, Yuli, and Sentient Moss woman, Mrs. Irma Crudler, have found a very pleasant cave far up enough a wall that it's safe from the various predators that roam the cavern floors. Cavern ceilings. Good luck. But, Irma, you've gotten settled. And it seems like it's almost time for Yuli to return home for dinner. Okay. Thanks for everything, Yuli. You're a good man. Thank you, Irma. So weird calling you that. You don't have to. Okay, yeah. I'm gonna do Mrs. Cruddler for a little while because that's. That feels a little more. Please, please, please, Ms. Cruddler. My husband is long dead. Oh, I'm so sorry. I get. I feel. I get locked in. Smoked to death by. But please, take a little of my toe. Mrs. Criller. Ms. Criller, if you don't want me to smoke you. I won't not miss. See, this is all old people have different work. I've learned that old people have different words for different things. And us kids, I mean adults, I mean, I don't even know. I think it's more that the youth are ignorant to this terminology. Okay, fine. If anything, you've humbled me. I didn't mean to. A big strong man like you do help for an old woman like me. I appreciate you. Here, have a little toe. Okay, I'll take some. And honestly, it's not a big deal. I'll do anything for you, Irma. You're. You're. You're cool. You actually listen and you talk and you share stories about stuff about this world I didn't even know about. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who respects me down here. Oh, it's so nice to be appreciated in my old age. Yeah. I do have one question. Shoot. So, I mean, none of the bats can really see me that well, and so no one said anything. But you know, I've gone to some of the waters that are a little closer to some of the bioluminescent fungi. And so I can like see my reflection sometimes. Okay, so like, I've noticed that like, not all the time, but sometimes my like skin, I can like see through it. Oh, you can see your blood? No. Yeah, but not all the time. Just like sometimes. And I've tried to do like experiments to see like is it. Am I mad when it happens? I don't. Can't tell. Or am I sad? Or. I don't know if it connects with my emotional life or things I've been eating. Oh, you poor, poor boy. I mean, man. You poor, poor. Don't condescend to me. You can call me a boy if you think I'm a boy. When I'm. When you definitely know I'm a man, that's. You call me when you're helping me, you're a man. When you're coming to me with silly questions, You're a boy. Okay, fine. You're translucent. I think it's just cuz you're a poison. A human being. So then I'm gonna just get more and more translucent. I don't know. I've never seen a person before. But I think those people, those humans, they're always moving the caves around. How could they do it if they're not invisible? Maybe you're just becoming invisible like people do. I'm gonna become. I don't know what you're gonna Do? I've never met a human being before. Already people can barely see me. And you tell me, then no one's gonna be able to see me at all. Well, they can hear you. It's not the same. They hear every bats, hear everything. But if, like, being seen is kind of like something I value because I feel like I'm one of the only people who then receives anything. And if. Then I can't even. Then I won't even be able to see me at all. Oh, you poor, poor thing. I have no further word of comfort for you. I'm sorry. Well, thanks for letting me know. Anything. I just think it's what's happening. Everybody's body changes. Does your body change besides getting bigger and smokable? Yeah, it gets bigger and smokable. You think I was always bigger and smokable? No, I used to be a single spore floating in the breeze. You were a spore? Oh, yes, I was a spore. No, I know. I'm so old, you can't even imagine. Yeah, because you're so big and old. That was an opportunity for you to say, no. You look old. Okay. Okay. I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you. Oh, well, you could. You could. That's actually welcome to being an adult. You can lie to people and make them feel better, whatever you want. That's not my way. Yeah. You know, I'm the editor of the school paper. The Weekly Humiliation. Oh, I guess that's true. If you were to lie, the whole school paper would fall apart. Exactly. That's something I've always considered. Here I am talking to an honest man. Yeah, but maybe talking to me is being the only thing anyone's ever gonna be able to do. I kinda thought we'd turn invisible or some bullshit. I mean, bull scats. I mean, spider poop. I mean. Oh, she shakes her head. Boys will be men, Yuli. As you catch the heat waves and the currents carry you back through the cave systems back towards Wingslip, you replay this embarrassing discussion in your head over and over and over again. I should have said. I should have said. I don't give a fuck what I. No one gives a fuck. No one gives a shit. I should have said. No one shit. I should. I should have said. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks says. I actually think anyone can say anything. I actually think there's too many limits in the things people can say. Yeah, that's what I should say. I should say that as long as we're telling the truth, there should not be any limits. The only thing people talk about, like, good language or bad language or like. Or like things that are appropriate or not appropriate. There's no such thing as appropriate or inappropriate. It's just true and untrue. You don't even realize that you've landed and you are pacing through the caves, having this conversation with yourself until you catch a glance of your reflection in a small, shallow pool, ranting on, mimicking you perfectly. Do I look in my classic very pale, sort of naked mole rat skin, or do I look slightly translucent? You look a pale man. But as you. Are you looking closer? You're concerned about this? Yeah. Okay. As you get closer to the little puddle, you can see veins of blue veins of blood starting to appear in your face. And then you can start to see muscle and bone. Oh, no, it's starting. It shifts back. It's changing. It won't sit still. Okay. Okay. Come on. I can't. I just. If they. They're not gonna care, but I'll care. Oh, it's starting to solidify again. Okay, can you roll a perception check for me? That's a nine. Okay. Yeah. No, it. It. Gosh. You're looking better than ever in this reflection. You actually can kind of see for the first time. It's so well lit in here that you're developing a man's cheekbones in a man's twinkle of an eye, a man's twink. Ulysses pushes his hair back to sort of pick up his bangs so you can sort of see what it looks like. When his hair is less floppy and more pulled back, he sort of turns to the side to check out his profile. He sort of arches his head up to make sure his cheeks, which aren't naturally that sharp, but look as sharp as possible. He takes his fingers and puts pulls back the skin on his face to see what he would look like if he had really sharp cheekbones. Wow. And sort of. He bends his shoulder to the side to see if his muscle can be seen. So his hair is back, and he kind of ends up flexing while pulling his skin back in front of the reflection. Can you roll a charisma check? Seventeen. You love it. Oh, my gosh. This is really exciting. And I'll tell you what else. The audience likes it too. See, people are gonna want to see. The audience has a wisdom score of 15. So if you beat that, you've charmed them. Unfortunately, you are so enamored with your appearance, you haven't noticed the fact that the puddle. That's about. I'm Gonna say three to five feet in diameter is actually kind of rising up from the ground, coming closer and closer to your face. And you don't notice it in until the puddle splits and you reveal it's not water at all, but it's sort of a shiny gelatinous substance that hides a mouth of pointy fangs. And it takes a bite at you. I'm gonna see if it. Oh, whoa, whoa. It misses. You are able to jump back and then the thing keeps coming out of this hole in the ground. And you can see that this slimy mirrored face is the tip of a long, many legged creature. It is the trapdoor face of a burrowing narcissipede. Whoa. Ew. God, you look gross and I look hot. It snaps at you again. You're not moving fast enough. Oh, it missed. Even worse that time. Oh, you better move. It's skittering at me. So I'm hopping back. I'm hopping back until I'm able to hop and turn and then run, run step after step after step until I lift up when I find a breeze and open my arms, exposing this moss flaps these artificial wings that then swoop me up into the sky. Incredible. The narcissipede climbs the wall, coming right after you, matching vertically your split. I grab a stalactite and then spin around it so the stalactite is between me and the narcissipede. I take out my, my cub scout pocket knife and I brandish it, prepared to strike at the narcissipede as soon as it comes to the stalactite. Okay, I'm rolling bad too. Yeah, you can see that. It knows you're hiding behind the stalactite and it's trying to maneuver around you, but you are able to see as it does so. It doesn't seem to realize how well lit the cavern is. And you can see it trying to creep around you between two other stalactites. It's not within melee range, but you could throw your knife if you wanted to, or you could jump at it if you wanted to. Ulyses cannot echolocate, but he can make fucking sounds. He does a false echo in the opposite direction to see if it bounces off a wall to create at least a sound that might distract it. Yeah. The narcissist centipede snaps its mirrored head over in the direction and skitters off towards where your sound hit and bounced off the wall as it turned. Before it steers away, I spin around and stab it in the back of the head it's okay. It's okay. It thrashes and writhes around and it has so many legs. It grabs onto you and onto the stalactite. You're on. Thrashing and. And grappling with you. No, he's put down spiders before. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. And there we go. The dead weight relaxes the way it's wrapped around you, only tightens more around you, between you and the stalactite. And the stalactite starts to crumble. I tried to leap off and just hope that by jumping I can get enough distance to. To fly away. All this does is put a final crack in that stalactite. You, the narcissipede and the giant rock crash through the opening in the cavern floor that the narcissipede made weaken rock already. You fall into the next cavern below. Frick. I mean. I mean. Oh, brother. Linus, you've never been this far away from home before. These cave walls are familiar in that they are repeating shapes that you know from any cave wall you've seen. They're so unfamiliar in that you haven't mapped them a thousand times before with your voice. Like you're mapping them right now, standing side by side by elderly bat, who you're quite sure was moving a lot slower a few minutes ago than he is right now. Um, it seems like maybe you recognize where we're going. No. I just feel so confident with you by my side. I know we're gonna find my lost spider and get home. So soon. Keep up, young man. Keep up. What's that over there? Shout at it for me. Linus does. Linus, with artful accuracy, directs an echolocation in the direction. Great. Yeah. There are caverns split off into five different directions. Up, down, Left, right. Slightly more down. All right, so there's a few options. Oh, yeah. Here it is. Just go down a bit this way. This. This is where my farm is. I'll. I suppose I've just lost that spider, though. Maybe I'll catch up with it when it's time for all of them to lay their eggs. That's coming up soon, isn't it? Oh, yeah. My dad says I could come with him this year and see it. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, we'll all have to go together. Say, now, do you remember exactly where that place is where they take this? The secret location where we all take the spiders to lay their eggs so that none of the other nasty creatures of Nethermere can find those. Those tiny little eight legged angels. And he's moving faster and faster going down this tunnel. Keep up now. Keep up. Young man. I can't see so good. I need your help. So, Linus. Linus is uncomfortable. Like, he's not pretty prone to questioning adults. Every adult in his life is someone who has earned his trust. But Verman Boon is freaking him out. He's really uncomfortable with how far from home he is. He's never seen this many caves split off in so many different directions. And he's out of peanut shells. And I would like to see what happens if he hangs back for a moment and doesn't follow Irmin right away. His knees just turn gelatinous and, like, he can't make his legs move forward anymore. He's panicked. You hear vermin stop at the exact same moment that you do, and he starts walking back towards you. Oh, that's all right. You don't need to be worried now that you've lit the place up with your sound. I know which way we're going. I'll be home very soon, and then I can send you on back to go see your parents. I'm so sorry. I forgot I have to set the table before anyone else can eat. So I really have to get back now. Mr. Boone, I think you should know. You should be able to find it now. It's down there. Okay. Goodbye. I rolled an 18. Brutal. Vermin grabs a hold of your wrist very sharply and pulls you forward. Listen to the elders, young man. Linus not even thinking he's going to shriek. Ooh, yeah. In vermin's face. He has never used. He's never attempted to use his voice to, like, impose physical force on anyone before. But he is doing it the way you would, like, throw your hands up to push someone away from you. All right, roll. Roll for echo, please. What did we say my echo stat was? Wisdom. Yes. 10. Okay. This is a new thing. He's never done it before. I really wish you could have just like, blown this guy through a wall. But unfortunately for a 10, you do see, like, the rippling vibrations, like, go through the air and smack into his face and send it around a post. Almost like it spins around and you can see that it's not a bathead at all. It's a bat mask. There's something underneath there. Linus's eyes puff up. They get super, super red and wet with tears. And he says, mom, he's gonna try to wriggle away and fly in the other Direction. Yeah, Roll an attack, please. Attack. Oh, God. 3. Whatever is in this bat skin keeps a firm grip on you as you hear the muffled voice inside of that bat head. What'd you do that for? And then a new voice emerges from it that says, listen here, you little piece of shit. You're gonna come with me. You're gonna tell me where do spiders lay eggs, and then I'm gonna eat you up and I'm gonna make it really slow and crunchy for you unless you tell me right now where do spiders lay their eggs? You recognize this accent? This is not the accent of any Italians. This is the voice of one of the Elfiscuuri, the dark elves of Nethermerk. The dark elf inside of the batsuit with its other hand, grabs the head and pulls it off. Oh, you little brat, you making my face spin around like a davidok beak. It's a pointy eared elf. Disgusting. Linus has never. The only creature that isn't a spider or another bat that he's ever encountered is Yuli, his dear big brother. This looks like a relative of Ulis, but with awful long delicate features and even worse, long delicate ears. I'm gonna eat you up with my terrible teeth. I'm gonna use your tiny bones to pickle your flesh out of the middle of the spacing of my teeth so it don't smell bad. Later. Linus is now that he is quite sure this is not an adult he needs to respect. He remembers that he learned something in school today, very from one of his bat classmates. That's maybe not the kind of bat his parents would love to know he's hanging out with. But the way a kid might teach another kid, like a bad word. This bat has taught Linus how to use his echo to hurt someone. Okay. And he's going to try it. Yes, please do. Ah. That was much better. 18. Well, that hits. Yeah. So you, you're doing the same thing that you tried to do that basically spun his head around. Yeah, this sounds harsh. Almost like a foghorn or, you know, it's like it feels like a warning to people who hear it. Well, that hits. Ah, you make a terrible sound in my ear. You hurt my eardrum. I feel like I'm a teenage son listening to the rock and roll music. I hate you so much for doing that. Linus is gonna try to use this operation opportunity to. To flit in the other direction. I would love for you to be able to do that, but unfortunately this El Foscoro gets a chance to Make a attack. Okay. I'm gonna try to grab you. I'm gonna try to eat you up. I'm gonna open my mouth. I'm gonna try to take a bite of your foot. Yeah. Roll an attack. I'm gonna eat you foot. Yeah, make an attack road right here using Jodak. I didn't bring any. Now that's gonna be a three. Awful gnashing elf teeth. Try to clamp down on your perfect little bat feet. But miss. Okay, well, he's gonna get out of there. Then Linus is gonna flit all the way in the opposite direction, back towards home. Okay, I need a grapple. Check a 1615. Julie. You're falling. You're falling. You're falling. You can't catch wind. Your moss suit cracks against a jutting dagger of rock ripping a tear through it. And you keep falling and falling. And then a cavern opens up below you. It's so dark and it's so cold and windy. You pass by a single yellow lit gem that's pointing at a hook that has a rope attached to it. I grab the rope. Or I attempt to. Please. Do I need a dice roll? Please. Or a die roll? Singular. Gladly. I got a 14. Do I add. Can I add anything to that? You're having. You're, like, falling out of control. I think I need a dex. Save 16. Your palms dig into the rope. You grip successfully. Your shoulders almost yank out of their sockets. And you swing silently over the dark chasm. I wish I actually had wings. He starts, one hand in front of the other, climbing up the rope to try to get back to where he fell from Paris. Lemon. Okay. And then you zoom right into the cage. And it's sort of like in I Dream of Jeannie, where it's a totally different set and she's, like, falling over, but you can tell it's like Star Trek, however. Jumping. Oh, no. And it's well decorated. It's, like, put together. Yeah. There's, like, big gems, but you can tell they're pillows. They're, like, really soft so they're not hurting her. And then you zoom back out. You've been screaming for minutes as you've lied comfortably in the soft but sticky embrace of a giant spider's web that is stretched across the chasm. Lemon. I don't know. We might never get to open that museum together. No. Say it ain't so. We gotta do it, buddy. Of course. I have just enough movement in my fingers. I could release you from your cage. Stop it. You're right. I'm Sorry, I just. I'm so sick of this conversation. I'm with you to the end. I know. It's like we always say. If we die, we die together. Chris, Paris's arms are stuck in that awful web. His legs. That web saved your life. Sure. But it's also portending his doom. Maybe. Go on. It feels like I'm lunch. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Paris is definitely thinking he might be lunch. Yeah. He says to Lemon, I could be lunch. We could be lunch. Don't say it. But though his arms be webbed, though his legs bewebbed, he was. He fell down into that web, which means he's face down into it. So his tail be free. I'm sorry, that's a tail. Of course. He's a kobold. My bad. Yeah, I don't know what a kobold is. He's like a little dinosaur man. Oh. He's like a three foot little lizardy guy. Thanks. Kobolds are like the most pathetic version of a dragon that exists. And. But they're also kind of humanoid. They're also. They kind of look like. Like mangy dogs a little bit, but lizards. Oh, okay. Pathetic is an interesting choice. Oh, my God. I would never play a kobold. Go on. The tail is free. So the tail is going to reach into the pocket of Paris's leather jacket and draw a dagger. Ooh, excellent. Okay. And using his tail with great effort. You know, it's not a totally prehensile tail. It takes a lot of concentration for him to do this. But Paris is going to try and cut himself out of the web. Okay. You can do it, Paris. Just think of the gift shop. Think it'll be three floors tall. So many T shirts. T shirts. Way more expensive than they should be. Absolutely. And paperweights and, like, jewelry. That has nothing to do with the art. Yes. Yes. Paris, I. I have to assume you're not trying to just cut a clean hole out for you to fall further down into this bottomless pit. I'm trying to cut in such a way that, like, one of my hands will remain. Yeah. And then I can web. I can sort of web swing. Well, now that I know the difficulty number to aim for, for that, I'd like for you to roll. Okay. Shouldn't be a problem. Been rolling great all night. Sounds like a jerryrig roll. Why not? Oh, baby. That is a 22, my man. Oh, my gosh. Your tail cuts through this spider's web as though it were made of a normal spider web, not like crazy big monster spider web. So it's very spider web. It's very easy. Yeah. You accomplish this no problem. It is artful. It is dexterous. It's gorgeous. You swing to the side of the cavern, holding onto one hunk of spiderweb that you've kept a hold of. If you wanted to, I bet you could figure out a way to climb up. Back up to the top now. Or further down. That was crazy. Whoa. That was crazy. Who's there? Oh, sorry. I'm U. I'm Ulysses. Do you know the Fungo Ganger? Ew. Yeah. You're not working for him? No. God. I work for the weekly humiliation. It's the school paper. Oh, it's a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm 18. Oh, hello. There's someone else down there too. Yeah, I'm Tiny. We're all different in our own way. Ever the optimist. Moral of the story. Do you all need help? I. I'm. I'm. I. I got some rope. That's actually my rope, friend. This is your rope? You saved me. Oh, wow. I guess even though we're different, we find ways to help each other and we jump forward to all three of you standing on the other side of the chasm. Lemon, that was such a good idea. Using the stickiness from the webs, I was able to crawl the wal like a spider. Lemon disengages her tiny handshake from Yuli's human hand. Thank you. And it's a pleasure to meet you. You as well. Using the webs that Paris had just brought up, Yuli is using that as a thread to sew back together the broken moss wings. Thanks for this. I use webs all the time at home. My parents own the spire farm. Wow. I've never seen a bat quite like you before. I'm not a bat. I'm a human. My parents are. What? A what? A whatman? A hoo Hooman. A human. A human. My parents are bats, my brothers are bats, and I live with mermaid bats. Wait, you mean like a surface man? You can't mean that. Come on, Purists. That's crazy. No, I think I've heard stories. I've heard tales. And even in some of the ruins we've explored, I've seen inscriptions and runes about the surface men. They were always described as smooth. I'm not like those guys. Whoever you've heard of, that's not me. I'm something else. I'm not like them. They do awful stuff, and I try to help people down here. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't make any sense. The humans are always sealing off and moving the caves that access the surface. How would one ever get down here? Well, look, that doesn't make any sense. I don't know. I don't know how I got here, okay? Blysorf stopped caring about I'm here, and I love it. And I love my family, I love my friends. And I don't care about what humans do less when they fuck with my friends. Paris, can we. Yeah, yeah, you read my mind. Always. Paris turns away from Yuli. Just a second, buddy. And Paris picks up the cage and holds it really close to his face so he can speak into it. And then. And then he'll move it close to his ear so Lemon can whisper into. Into his ear. You know what they say about the surface, right? It's just littered. Littered with precious gems and. And artifacts just. Just lying about all over the ground, just waiting to be preserved deep in the earth. Can you imagine the treasure we could build up such a stash. It'd be a museum just from the surface. A whole surface museum. Paris. Lemon. Surface museum. Ow. Keep it down. Oh, I think we should stick close to this kid and see if he maybe knows a way back up there. I think that's really smart. I think we could get a lot of information from him, if not a way out. He turns back. Done with your conference? We're colleagues. We have a lot of conferences. Oh, you wouldn't know this. You're, you know, you've just become a man. I understand. Yeah, I just have. Yeah. I'm 18 now. I'm. You know, I'm. I'm kind of an older guy. I'm seven and I'm young, and I'm 100. This is normal to me. I live down here. Just another day in the cave where if you guys are trying to go, if it's past Wing Slip, then you can go my direction. That's where I'm going, buddy. We're not going past Wing Slip. We're going to Wing Slip. Literally, really? Where we're going? That's crazy. What the fud. What the. That's crazy. That. Was that your first time? Hey, don't worry about it. No, when you're around adults, sometimes we curse. Cursing is different for kids. I'm trying to make it sound more natural. You're gonna get there. What are you doing in Wind Slip? We're meeting an old friend, Tobacco Leary. Oh, you mean Tobacco. Oh, that's crazy. I smoke with him sometimes. Tobacco smoke? Yeah. Linus, this awful elf is dragging you further and further through the caves. He has managed to successfully bind your wings and is pushing you forward, always demanding that you keep echolocating so that he can see. That's right. Make it a click click with your mouth. I'm actually losing my voice. Oh, that's are bad for you. Because if you lose your voice, I eat you up. All right, I was trying to lie to you. I know what you were doing. I remember being a child. Imagine me as a child hitting a little wooden hoop with a stick. Linus. You two round a corner and you are faced with something that you have only read about in school, you have never seen in person because this is the farthest you've been from home. Up ahead, you're limited. That sight stops at a circle of beyond darkness of perfect neon black, impenetrable total darkness that you just cannot see through. When you echolocated through this tunnel, it seemed as though it just was a normal tunnel, but now in front of you, you can just see nothing. There you go. Make it a little noise so I can see through through the neon black. I got in the dark vision. I could see in the night time. I can see in the dark in the caves, but I can't see through the neon black. You make it a click click so I can see through it. What do you want with. What do you want with the spiders? What do you care what I want with the spiders? You just make it a click click or I eat you up. No, they're my friends. I grind you. We're not friends. You're not my friend. Are my friends okay? I was like, kid, I feel bad for you if you think are you friends. Well, you should feel bad for me because you're being really awful. No, I don't. I mean, not bad enough to stop what I do it, but I just was a level of pity that was inescapable. Cross. No, we're not friends. Make it a click click or I grind your bones to make up my bread. Oh, okay. And Linus. Linus feels he has no choice. And he, you know, he, he. He bends the echo around the curves of the chamber as he is directed. And even in this terrifying moment, you can only appreciate the beauty of the neon black vanishing as this chorus of sound comes back to you, not just in front of you, revealing this cave system that goes deeper and deeper, farther than you've ever gone, but also rushes past your. Your ears, bouncing back a little bit more muddied again. It's a fully 360 experience and you realize that there is a giant spider that has been tracking you and is hiding just around another corner behind the both of you. Is it one that I recognize? It's the one with the weirdly sharp corners around some of its edges. Well, that's not much of a comfort. Linus is going to try to communicate directly with the spider. How are you gonna do that? I think there's like a specific kind of clicking that he does to talk to spiders. Okay. He's going to kind of out of the corner of his mouth, release a spider specific echo. Can you roll a deception check for me? Four. All right. So the dark elf pretending to be vermin. Boo. You can tell this kid is trying to talk to a spider, but you didn't see any spiders anywhere? What's wrong with you, you little boy Just making a noise. That's why I can see through the neon black. Are you trying to talk to spiders? You thinking this is my first rodeo? You think I don't know the click stack click click sound that you. You used to talking to the spiders. Spiders can't even talk back. Why do you even try? Everybody know spiders don't talk. Never have and never will. At no point in the future will any spider ever talk to you. And if it does, something's a very wrong. You think I stupid? I'm not stupid. I didn't say you were. No, but you. You action show that I am. Do it one more time. This is your last chance to make it a click click. You think you're the only little boy I can abduct and make the or girl and make the click click so I can see through the neon black as you try to point to Linus. You. You're thrusting your finger back and forward like you're casting for fish in a stream. I think it's safe to say this guy talks with his hand. I think that's very safe to say. But not anymore. Because on that last gesture, your hand gets thwacked against the cave wall by just a gob of webbing. My hand. My hand. It's not that bad. I actually hurt my hand against the studio wall as I do the gesture. Oh no. My head is stuck against the cave wall. How could this be? What's wrong with you, you little demon child? I didn't do it. Then who could have done this? A giant spider scuttles down the ceiling of the cavern, corkscrewing through a round inconceivable. Yeah, I know. To face you head on revealing that this spider has fangs. Unlike, like every other cattle spider that exists down here, the spider is a God of the fangs. Oh, no. Just like in the legends. It bites you. I'm being bitten by the spider. Feeling terrible. Oh, well, it's just one bite. It's not enough to kill a man. Bites you again. Two bites. Oh, boy. It's gonna take a whole lot more than that to kill me. Unfortunately, it doesn't need to bite you anymore. It's injected plenty of venom that is already liquefying your innards. Oh, that's. Oh, well, that'll do it. And I begin to die and my innards turn to liquid. And I look at Linus and with my dying breath I say, by the way, my name was Condoleezzo. Pinch a penny. What is happening? Paris. Lemon. Juli. Yeah, that's how we found the crown of the Dog Prince. It had opals in it. Several opals. Whoa. So you are both like actual real explorers. You go out and like, take stuff. This is going to take a whole lot of that to kill me. Oh, that's going to do it. You hear the unmistakable sounds of an Elfuro echoing through the chambers. They are not allowed in this part of town. You know that. But there's another sound later. Linus. Not our problem. Yuli doesn't even try to explain it to his new friends. He starts running as fast as he can towards Linus. Paris, Chase him. That's our museum. I know. We gotta chase that human. Paris gives chase and in her cage, Lemon is swinging her arms back and forth like she's also running, but she's just standing there. It's a Nordic track. Linus. I'm coming, Yuli. You don't have to sprint long or around too many corners before you see Linus, wings bound, standing before the melting inside out corpse of an El Foscuro webbed to the wall and a giant spider standing over his corpse. It's hard to tell because his eyes are so tiny, but you can see they are clenched shut. And he is turned away from this horrifying sight. Linus, walk towards the sound of my voice. Oh. Oh, it's Yui. It's okay. Just. It's just. Okay, just breathe. Breathe. Walk towards me. Okay. Oh my God. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Come on, Linus. Just one step at a time. Very, you know, very wobbly, very shaken. Linus, who by the way, only has one shoe because Condoleezzo ate one of them. Trying to bite his foot, is hobbling. You see the shoe also, like, falling out of the gore. He was just, like, stuffed with spaghetti. And there's like a shoe also comes out of there. He walks towards Yuli. Yuli grabs Linus, picks him up and puts him behind him, protecting him from the spider. The both of you, close your eyes. What? Listen to me. I'm closing him. Okay? Who is that? Lemon? Yeah, Lemon, distract the spider before you can do anything. Oh, no. The spider steps forward and says, please. Please. There's no need for a child to fear in my presence. He saved me. The spider saved you? Yeah. That's not one of our spiders. That one's got Fang. That's right. I'm from the surface and my name is Apollo Virtue. That was Allie Fisher as Lemon, Carly Menardo as Linus Burden, Jo Lepore as Paris, Kansas, Tim Platt as Ulysses Burden, and Branson Reese and Christopher Hastings as everything and everyone else. Brave Tales of Magic is produced by Bucket of Milk, edited by Sam Grant, and sound designed and scored by Joe Lepore, with additional sound design from Michael Delphi. As always, special thanks to Tyler Button and Sydney and Benjamin. That was a Headgum podcast. You should Listen to the GamesReady biz microcast. More people are playing games than ever before. They've never been more popular. And yet the business behind it is facing some real challenges and changes. There's been tens of thousands of layoffs, hundreds of studio closures as major companies face rising costs and falling sales. There's uncertainty around the future of game consoles. There's legal and government intervention into how games are even being paid for. The role of AI is changing how games are being made. There's the impact of games like Fortnite and Roblox dominating everyone's time. And then there's the desperate wait for Switch 2 and GTA 6. And that's just 2024. Two leading business journalists with a combined 35 years of experience offer you a weekly guide through all of this and more. I'm Christopher dring, head of GamesIndustry Biz. I'm James Batcheller, editor in chief of GameStry Biz, and you can join us every Monday for the GamesIndustry Biz Microc. The most important stories, expert guests, exclusive market data, and all in less than 30 minutes. Usually. The GamesReady Biz Microcast every Monday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Listening to a podcast should be time well spent, and I promise it will be if you'll give this podcast a try. It's called Something youg Should Know. I'M the host, Mike Carruthers, and in every episode I talk with leading experts on topics I know you will find fascinating from why people can't keep secrets, what your favorite music says about you, why your pet acts in strange ways, and so much more. Something you should Know is designed to give you information you can use in your life and give you great intel that you can share with others. I'm told it's a binge worthy podcast and with over a thousand episodes, there's a lot to binge on. Something you should Know has been ranked in the top of the Apple podcast charts consistently for a long time. I know you're gonna like this, I just need to get you to try it. Something you should Know. It's available wherever you listen to podcasts. Hey folks, we're the hosts of Comic Sans, the podcast about comics for those who are sans knowledge. I'm Yen, a reader, writer, liver and breather of comic books. And I'm Nat. I used to know absolutely nothing about comics, but now. So actually I've got a quiz for you. I still have a lot to learn about comics. Thank you. On Comic Hans, I make Nat read some of my favorite works in the medium including Saga, Daredevil and the Flintstones. And Yann talks about what makes that comic special. Sometimes it's a story, sometimes it's paneling, gutters, page turns, colorings, lettering, semiotic structure, position. Okay, professor, save it for the episodes. You can listen to comic fans on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge. Our first two seasons, that's over 20 episodes on 20 different comics and we just launched season three. New episodes every two weeks.