TOTAL PARTY KILL | Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 2

Summary

Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 2: TOTAL PARTY KILL

Release Date: May 20, 2025

Episode Overview

In "TOTAL PARTY KILL | Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 2," the esteemed group of voice actors from Critical Role embarks on an intense and emotionally charged tabletop roleplaying game (TTRPG) session. This episode delves deep into a climactic battle against the formidable antagonist, Malvolio Contreras, culminating in a dramatic showdown that tests the limits of the party's strength and camaraderie.

---

1. Setting the Stage

The episode begins immediately after a series of challenging encounters, placing the party members in a tension-filled green room. Emotionally drained and physically exhausted, the group grapples with internal conflicts and strategizes their next moves against a mysterious Dungeon Master (DM) orchestrating their trials.

Notable Quote:

Grog (00:03): "And let's bring us back into the story for tonight."

---

2. The Green Room Confrontation

As the party regroups, Veth senses a dark energy emanating from the DM, hinting at a deeper malevolence behind the orchestrated challenges.

Notable Quotes:

Veth (04:19): "When I went up to him and... I touched him, I got a sense of his energy. There's something dark inside."

Beauregard (05:38): "This is exactly what losers say when they're losing, Grog man."

The players debate whether to continue their antagonistic approach or seek a different strategy, reflecting the group's dynamic and individual personalities.

---

3. Battle Escalation

Malvolio Contreras enters the green room, bantering about the amenities while the tension among the party members escalates. The battle transforms into a surreal spectacle with the transformation of the green room into a massive, deadly theater filled with perilous obstacles like electrified cages, lava pits, and spinning blades.

Narrative Highlight:

Grog (08:21): "Just look around as he snaps, you watch the green room mag. ... it's a deathly mountain with fire spouts, toxic sludge, waterfalls."

The party employs a mix of spells, physical attacks, and strategic maneuvers to combat Malvolio, demonstrating their teamwork and resourcefulness.

Notable Quote:

Jester (06:12): "Yeah, I'm okay for me, but okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here."

---

4. The Turning Tide

As the battle intensifies, the environment shifts, forcing the party to adapt to new challenges. Veth and Caleb execute daring attacks, while Jester employs healing spells to support the team. Malvolio's confidence fluctuates as he faces relentless assaults, hinting at underlying vulnerabilities.

Notable Quotes:

Jester (10:12): "I did it."

Malvolio (11:35): "Is this your realm, though?"

The introduction of arcane devices and environmental hazards adds complexity to the fight, testing the party's adaptability.

---

5. Climactic Battle and Character Fates

The confrontation reaches its peak as Caleb casts a disintegrate spell, successfully vanquishing Malvolio in a dramatic display of power. However, the victory feels hollow as the players reflect on the emotional toll and the ephemeral nature of their triumph.

Notable Quotes:

Caleb (71:38): "Yeah, I'm an 18. That's a 28."

Murdy (103:31): "I'm gonna use my legendary action one more time."

Despite their efforts, the episode concludes with lingering doubts and unresolved tensions, setting the stage for future adventures and character development.

Notable Quote:

Murdy (105:30): "I'm just blown away by the fact that you haven't had any friends. That's kind of..."

---

6. Emotional Resonance and Conclusion

The episode wraps up with the party returning to their original setting, a nostalgic living room, offering a moment of respite and reflection. The players contemplate the night's events, the bonds they've forged, and the challenges that lie ahead.

Notable Quote:

Murly (104:39): "I'm just walking along one day with my sweet old trusted dog... and now this audience is gonna get feet for free."

The blend of high-stakes combat and heartfelt interactions underscores the depth of the characters and the immersive storytelling Critical Role is renowned for.

---

Final Thoughts

"TOTAL PARTY KILL | Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 2" is a testament to Critical Role's mastery in blending humor, drama, and intricate gameplay. The episode captivates listeners with its dynamic battles, character-driven narratives, and memorable quotes, all while maintaining the engaging improvisational spirit that fans cherish.

Notable Quote:

Jester (107:52): "Thanks for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this tale."

For those new to Critical Role, this episode serves as a thrilling glimpse into the collaborative storytelling and rich character dynamics that define the series.

---

Highlighted Quotes with Timestamps:

• Veth (04:19): "When I went up to him and... I touched him, I got a sense of his energy. There's something dark inside."

• Beauregard (05:38): "This is exactly what losers say when they're losing, Grog man."

• Jester (06:12): "Yeah, I'm okay for me, but okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here."

• Jester (10:12): "I did it."

• Malvolio (11:35): "Is this your realm, though?"

• Caleb (71:38): "Yeah, I'm an 18. That's a 28."

• Murdy (103:31): "I'm gonna use my legendary action one more time."

• Malvolio (105:30): "I'm just blown away by the fact that you haven't had any friends. That's kind of..."

• Murly (104:39): "I'm just walking along one day with my sweet old trusted dog... and now this audience is gonna get feet for free."

• Jester (107:52): "Thanks for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this tale."

---

This summary captures the essence of the episode, focusing on key moments, character interactions, and pivotal actions, providing a comprehensive overview for both long-time fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Jester]

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[Beauregard]

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[Jester]

Hey there Critter Podcast listeners. We have a special new membership service at Beacon TV where you get early access to all new podcast episodes, including Critical Role. For the first time ever, Beacon members also get things like live event presales, merch discounts, access to a private community discord, and new exclusive series like Critical Role Cooldown. Think of it as our digital critical role land. Head on over to Beacon TV to check it out for yourself and start a seven day free trial. Thank you so much for your support for being a podcast listener and for being part of our community.

[Fearne]

Hey there Critters. This is Ashley Johnson and Telus and Jeffy and we're popping in here to talk about our new podcast on Beacon.

[Jester]

Weird Kids.

[Kingsley]

In this series, we're diving into our lives as former child actors, from unraveling our eccentric upbringings to embracing all the delightfully odd interests we still have.

[Grog]

Today.

[Fearne]

We're covering so many topics like antique toys, taxidermy, Japanese pop culture and and honestly, anything else we come up with.

[Kingsley]

Weird Kids is available exclusively on Beacon, but good news, we're offering a one month free trial on Beacon TV so you can take a look before you become a member. Just use the code weirdosacon TV to start the trial.

[Fearne]

You can also find fellow weirdos by following the series on our heirdkidspod Instagram and using the hashtag weirdkids.

[Kingsley]

So to all the misfits, outcasts and weirdos out there, come take a seat at our table and celebrate all things unconventional, nostalgic and wonderfully weird. Welcome to Weird Kids.

[Fearne]

New episodes Release every Tuesday.

[Grog]

Hello there.

[Caleb]

It's Liam o' Brien, and you're listening to part two of this episode from the Critical Role Podcast network. If you haven't checked out part one yet, pause this now and head over there first. Otherwise, enjoy part two.

[Grog]

And let's bring us back into the story for tonight.

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Grog]

Somehow pulled and plucked from the chaos of your disparate lives, you have endured a series of strange contests against allies, friends, strangers alike, under the guise of one mc. After a burst of emotional, spiteful frustration and a number of rounds of humiliation and hurt, you find yourself shunted to an oddly darkly lit green room to briefly have a moment to think while he probably handles an ad. Read some somewhere. But before he arrives, you all look up at each other, hurt, exhausted, and with just a few moments alone to talk.

[Jester]

Oh, gosh.

[Veth]

All right, guys, I really feel like we gotta start working as a team. Look, when I went over there. Shut up for a second, burn and listen.

[Fearne]

Okay, okay.

[Veth]

When I went up to him and. And I kind of. I touched him, I got a sense of his energy. Yeah, there's something dark inside. Like an incredibly dark manifest in sitting in the center of his chest. I don't know, it's hard to describe.

[Malvolio]

Wait, like actually his chest, like, we should aim.

[Beauregard]

I don't know, like a. Like a mole or something. Or could.

[Veth]

He should get it checked out regardless. But I'm just saying, I think that there's, like, there's something not right.

[Kingsley]

Also, did anyone else get the sense that he's not exactly in charge here?

[Fearne]

Yes, I kind of felt it.

[Murdy]

Yeah.

[Jester]

No, he seemed really sad and like he had somebody that was bossing him around and he kind of didn't want to do it.

[Kingsley]

And every time I make fun of him, it really seemed to really pierce through a bit.

[Jester]

What if he's on the line and if, like, he doesn't get approval, then, like, somebody kills him or something. Close, but it kind of feels like that's going to happen to us too.

[Fearne]

Yeah, but should we just, like, keep insulting him?

[Malvolio]

We could and then just.

[Veth]

His ego seems very fragile.

[Malvolio]

All I know is it does felt terrible being on the opposite team as Caleb.

[Jester]

I don't like a new grog, a.

[Kingsley]

New Fearne, and the hot one. I feel really bad.

[Beauregard]

This is exactly what losers say when they're losing grog man.

[Caleb]

Oh, it is time for us to flip the script.

[Jester]

I'm going to cast mask your wounds.

[Veth]

Yes.

[Jester]

Oh, wow.

[Murdy]

Wait, wait.

[Malvolio]

You can heal.

[Jester]

I've done it before, but. Okay, who's really hurt. Anybody I know Our team is super duper hurt pretty low over here. Yeah.

[Fearne]

Yeah.

[Jester]

You and Caleb, how are you?

[Caleb]

I'm okay for me.

[Jester]

Oh, okay.

[Caleb]

But okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here.

[Jester]

Grog, you're fine. You seem so big and strong.

[Beauregard]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[Jester]

All right, then. I'm going to cast mask your wounds on the six of us, minus grog.

[Grog]

Oh, excellent.

[Jester]

Okay, so that is. I'm casting that. That's a fifth level. And that's four D8 plus five hit points. One, two, three.

[Grog]

What? You hear some heavy footsteps begin to approach the exterior of the green room door as it creaks open. And stepping into the chamber, the MC himself, Malvolio Contreras.

[Murdy]

Hello, everyone.

[Fearne]

Oh, hi.

[Veth]

Hi.

[Fearne]

How's it going?

[Murdy]

Are you enjoying the amenities?

[Fearne]

Oh, my God, so much.

[Jester]

Yeah. I really like your donuts.

[Fearne]

Yes. It's all so great.

[Murdy]

I'm so glad.

[Malvolio]

I wish there was more alcohol in the green room.

[Kingsley]

I also requested a bowl of green M&M's, and I can't find them anywhere.

[Murdy]

I'll send notes.

[Veth]

Well, let's be real. We're not doing this for copy credit meal, my guy. What is the end goal here?

[Jester]

We were just talking about you and how sad and weak you seemed, and it made us feel so bad.

[Kingsley]

I was hoping you'd change clothes, too, because I just want to keep making fun of you. It's really hard not to.

[Grog]

It's.

[Malvolio]

I mean, there's got to be something wrong with you. This desire to perform in front of thousands of people.

[Grog]

Only.

[Malvolio]

Only a truly broken person would do that intentionally and make fools of themselves in front of people like that. Someone very insecure would, like, parade around shaking their butts for strangers.

[Veth]

It's true.

[Fearne]

Yeah.

[Murdy]

I'm thinking about setting up a tour. You think your words can hurt me? Oh, no, no, no. We have many more games to play. Murty, show him what we've set up for you.

[Grog]

Just look around as he snaps, you watch the green room mag. And once more, your troupe now sits in the center of this massive theater. Thousands of faces watching on. Some on your side, some still thirsty for blood. But there, above it all, you see an impossibly complex tall. I can almost say sculpture of a physically challenging contest mountain. You see electrified cages hanging from massive lengths of chain, themselves sparking with blue and green electrical energy. You see bubbling lava pits that are themselves sending forth blasts of molten rock. You see acid geysers spraying in the upper areas, dissolving Nearby parts of the theater, you see spinning blade tracks that go from side to side, just releasing a terrifying display of contest. You see spiked pendulums swinging around themselves, splattered with blood of all sorts of color. And ichor. You see lightning arcs between poles. It is a deathly mountain with fire spouts, toxic sludge, waterfalls. And a terrifying advancement of the few contests you've already engaged.

[Murdy]

Quick, Fern, gaze into another dimension. What was the name of Matthew Mercer's best childhood friend? What?

[Jester]

Oh.

[Fearne]

What?

[Murdy]

And I'll cast Fiery Encore.

[Jester]

What?

[Fearne]

Whoa, wait, wait.

[Jester]

Before. Before we left the green room. Did I get my spell out?

[Grog]

I'll say. Just in time. You managed.

[Jester]

Okay, in that case, everybody healed 19 points before we came back. I'm sorry it's not better.

[Fearne]

All right, all right.

[Jester]

I did it.

[Veth]

Great.

[Fearne]

Thank you.

[Grog]

Four attacks.

[Fearne]

What?

[Grog]

Four.

[Fearne]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait.

[Grog]

24. Does that hit you, Fern?

[Fearne]

Yes. Wait, hold on.

[Grog]

Just give me like a 27. Hit you?

[Malvolio]

Yes.

[Grog]

Okay, third time, 27. Does that hit you?

[Jester]

Wait, of course.

[Murdy]

It's shield 16. 17. 17.

[Grog]

Does it make your AC.

[Caleb]

That very high number?

[Fearne]

Wait, what did you roll? 24.

[Grog]

24. 27. 27. Oh, 26.

[Fearne]

Sorry, I didn't hear that.

[Grog]

That's okay.

[Fearne]

You got me.

[Grog]

So you watch as Malvolio conjures fiery bolt after fiery bolt, tossing them towards your feet, exploding, forcing you to dance once more. Suddenly rushing backward, you take from those blast.

[Kingsley]

Did fire damage.

[Grog]

27 points of fire damage, as you are now dancing from the flame.

[Fearne]

Ow.

[Murdy]

As long as you're in my realm, you're at my behest. You dance for me or you do nothing. I'm tired of these games. I'm not here to see you fail. I'm here to see you die.

[Kingsley]

Is this your realm, though?

[Grog]

Really?

[Kingsley]

Is this your realm? Because, boy, you seem like a bloody day player to me.

[Murdy]

Does my far power feel weak to you?

[Kingsley]

I feel like your power is not yours at all. I think you're an empty suit.

[Fearne]

Oh, wow.

[Murdy]

That one hurt a little bit.

[Grog]

All right, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw.

[Murdy]

Mom, Wisdom saving.

[Grog]

A natural if you decide to engage until Malvolio's next turn, he takes full damage. What do you do?

[Jester]

I go over and I try to give him a hug and comfort him.

[Kingsley]

And while she's holding on a while.

[Jester]

I'm doing that, I'm gonna cast inflict wounds.

[Veth]

Yeah.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Fearne]

There we go.

[Grog]

I would like all of you to roll initiative.

[Veth]

What?

[Grog]

Including you?

[Murdy]

Not that in my realm. Big mistake.

[Kingsley]

Oh, I want that Die.

[Grog]

All right.

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Grog]

25 to 20.

[Veth]

Hang on.

[Jester]

23.

[Murdy]

25.

[Veth]

Wait, I'm still. I'm still figuring out. Okay. Also 25.

[Murdy]

I love a good game. Roll. Rollies. One, two, three.

[Veth]

Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye. 14.

[Murdy]

3.

[Fearne]

Yes.

[Jester]

Bo.

[Veth]

So we. Bo, just bow. Mel. MC Jester.

[Grog]

Anybody else in the 20s? 20 to 15.

[Beauregard]

19. Grog.

[Fearne]

We got a grog.

[Grog]

15 to 10. Sorry. Okay, there we go. There we are.

[Jester]

Wait. 17. What? Grog.

[Kingsley]

Kingsley after draug.

[Grog]

Anyone else? 17. 15. 15 to 10.

[Malvolio]

11.

[Grog]

All right, we have veth at 11. 10 to 5.

[Murdy]

Acht.

[Caleb]

It is an 8 for me.

[Grog]

All right.

[Malvolio]

The mighty Acht.

[Fearne]

And that's a five for me.

[Grog]

Fearne, you are nothing if dependable in your initiative role.

[Fearne]

You know I can always bring up the rear.

[Grog]

So, because Beauregard beat Malvolio in initiative for your round, what do you want to do?

[Veth]

Wait, did I get inflicted inflict wounds off?

[Grog]

Did I get my inflict wounds off? As you move into them. This is. This is the.

[Jester]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Grog]

The moment that there was a moment of aggression and intent, that's when initiative order started. So your action next is going to do that.

[Veth]

Okay.

[Grog]

What are you doing?

[Veth]

All right, I'm going to run forward. And as I see Jester going up and taking the hug and kind of knowing. Working together for as long as we have now, knowing what she's doing, I'm going to run. I'm going to slide on my knees, take my belay bear staff. I'm going to do two cracks, aiming for the lower half of his body. Crack, crack, crack, crack. That's what we say when we're in Chicago, baby.

[Grog]

All right, let's go ahead and roll some attacks, Beauregard.

[Veth]

Okay, first one natural 20.

[Grog]

That'll hit.

[Veth]

Okay, first one. Let's. Let's start with that one. Just in Casey's weak roll. Six plus seven. So, okay, 13 damage on that first.

[Grog]

Hit was in that first hit. That was with the double for the crit on the dice.

[Veth]

Correct.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Veth]

Stunning strike. Let me try other one.

[Grog]

All right, well, go ahead and make a. Make a constant saving from Malv.

[Murdy]

Con save.

[Fearne]

Yes.

[Murdy]

Oh, not great. Eight.

[Grog]

Eight. That's a fail.

[Veth]

Malvolio is stunned.

[Murdy]

So you think. But as my reaction, I'm going to use.

[Grog]

Not even as a reaction.

[Murdy]

Oh, not even as a reaction. I can use it once.

[Beauregard]

Perfect.

[Murdy]

Thank you, Murty. You're so useless.

[Grog]

That's what I'm here to help with, boss.

[Murdy]

I'm going to Cast manifest contestants.

[Beauregard]

What?

[Murdy]

When I'm targeted with an attack, a weapon or a spell, I can summon another pair to appear before me and take it.

[Beauregard]

What?

[Grog]

As Jester is currently wrapped around Malvol. Jester, you take 13 points of damage and you need to make a constitution. Saving throw. No, that's messed up, Jester.

[Veth]

I'm so sorry.

[Jester]

Okay, 15.

[Veth]

I don't think that saves.

[Jester]

Oh, wait, a saving throw.

[Veth]

Yes, saving throw.

[Jester]

15.

[Veth]

Wait, still. Still the same. Yeah, I. I don't think that that saves.

[Jester]

Can't you drop stun if you want to, though?

[Veth]

No.

[Grog]

Jester, as you are clambering off the mc, a heavy whack hits you in the side of your right hand kidney and your body seizes up. You are stunned by Bo. Ru.

[Veth]

I want to make. I don't think so. I don't think so.

[Grog]

That. Use Malvolio's reaction. You have the rest of your second attack and future attacks. But regard.

[Veth]

That is true. I'm just trying to make sure here yet. No, it's DC17.

[Grog]

Just do some dope, Monk.

[Veth]

I am going to continue to do some dope, Monk. And I'm going to do my second attack.

[Grog]

Let's go.

[Fearne]

That is icky.

[Veth]

12.

[Grog]

12 is going to miss.

[Veth]

Okay, bonus action. A pop, pop. Flurry of blows.

[Grog]

Flurry of blows. Let's go.

[Veth]

Oh, my God. Really bad. Really bad. 16 is the highest out of that one.

[Grog]

Those. Both miss.

[Veth]

No, both miss.

[Grog]

Okay, finishing Beauregard's turn. You're up, Malvolio.

[Murdy]

Oh, you'd like to take pokes at me? Well, that's fine. Why don't you take a poke at some impossible trivia? I will use impossible trivia. I ask you an impossible trivia question while I gloat.

[Grog]

What's the question?

[Murdy]

The question is.

[Grog]

You have to ask the question trivia for it to work.

[Murdy]

Okay, wait.

[Malvolio]

Did you not come up with any of these?

[Murdy]

The person in the first row closest to the aisle, guess their name.

[Fearne]

Wait, I can hold us.

[Jester]

I can tell you.

[Veth]

No, they totally did.

[Grog]

No, no. This is against. This is against you, Beauregard. What's their name?

[Murdy]

What's their name?

[Veth]

They told us earlier because they asked.

[Malvolio]

Us, and we love the fans so.

[Grog]

Much that we remembered Beauregard. What's the name?

[Veth]

It was something like.

[Beauregard]

It was cool.

[Veth]

It was something. It was like Ashlyn or something like that.

[Murdy]

This is a convention goer's worst nightmare.

[Grog]

Ashlyn.

[Fearne]

Can I tag in?

[Grog]

Is Ashlyn your name?

[Murdy]

What is your name?

[Fearne]

River.

[Veth]

Not in the river.

[Jester]

River is A really cool name.

[Caleb]

River and Xavier, Ember and Ashley are close.

[Grog]

To be fair, Beauregard make an intelligence saving throw for me.

[Beauregard]

Mine. Keen.

[Grog]

Mine.

[Veth]

That's a natural. 19 plus 9 for 28.

[Grog]

Okay, so you succeed. So you only take half damage.

[Veth]

Okay.

[Grog]

Which would have been with this roll would have been 48 points of psychic damage. You take 24 points of psychic damage as the sheer volume of embarrassment and public fear of forgetting one of the fans in the front row's name sinks into your spirit. But you shrug it off as best as a person can.

[Veth]

I don't believe any of this is real. I think they're all holograms. This is the AI universe that everybody wants.

[Jester]

You could have just lied and said your name was Ashlyn.

[Kingsley]

I'm just way to help out, Ash.

[Murdy]

Yeah. Audience, are you having a nice time? Good, good, good. Who out there plays a bard? Does anyone love a bard? Me too. I'd like to use my bonus action and cast Bardic demoralization on the big one.

[Grog]

Grog, how do you demoralize him so big and strong?

[Murdy]

Yeah, but you know what I always say. Lean is long.

[Grog]

Law.

[Murdy]

Your muscles don't quite look as big.

[Malvolio]

As they used to.

[Murdy]

I feel like you're failing with age. Not working to failure on every set. Are you not having hypertrophy? Where are you at 6am when I'm at the gym, baby.

[Beauregard]

It's true. I don't. I don't go to my last. I don't max out my sense of say it's true.

[Murdy]

You're going to take a D12 and you must subtract it from your next D20 roll.

[Grog]

Oh.

[Murdy]

Damn.

[Beauregard]

A 10.

[Grog]

That's minus 10 from your next D20 roll.

[Veth]

That sucks.

[Murdy]

That'll end my turn.

[Grog]

Well, choose that. You have one more little bit.

[Murdy]

Oh, yeah. I always forgot about this one. My favorite. Get him, Murty. All right, boss. Who am I going after? Ooh, let's go for the little one. Come here.

[Grog]

You watch as Murty, suddenly his eyes flash with burning red energy and massive blade like claws extend from his fingers. And like a weird wolf on the prowl, goes rushing towards you veth and is gonna go ahead and attempt to strike you.

[Murdy]

Come on.

[Grog]

Ooh, that's a natural two for a 12. I think that's.

[Malvolio]

I see you coming and I do a little barrel roll and I flick you on the gooch as I go by.

[Grog]

I slink back, buzz in the gooch.

[Murdy]

Now that's comedy.

[Grog]

And that, I believe, does end your turn. All Right, Jester?

[Jester]

I'm stunned.

[Grog]

You're stunned.

[Jester]

But wait, I have to be honest, because when I cast Massacre wounds, I cast it at sixth level because I rolled four for the eighth instead of three. Okay, so that's a six level spell spot.

[Grog]

Okay, so how much more does that mean?

[Jester]

Oh, it. I didn't. It was only 19. I just rolled like shit, but got you.

[Grog]

Fair enough. All right, well, here's the thing. You were already touching Malvolio when you were stunned.

[Jester]

Yeah.

[Grog]

Do you still want to cast the spell?

[Jester]

Yes, I do. Can I do it?

[Grog]

I will say yes. Because the Traveler is here, you won't be able to move or do anything else in your turn. Go ahead and make one more Wisdom saving throw.

[Beauregard]

Let's go.

[Veth]

Come on, come on.

[Caleb]

Come on, cleric.

[Jester]

Wisdom saving throw. 20.

[Grog]

Oh, okay, so the DC on this is an 18 for your presence there. That is set. So while you are still stunned for your turn, the spell was already happening, and when you locked into place, you were still touching MC as Malvolio. Suddenly, you feel this burst of necrotic energy strike through your torso as Jester is still around you like a human shield after taking the hit. You see a faint grin on her blue tiefling face as you take.

[Jester]

That's. Oh, that's a seventh level spell because I already used my six. So that's 9010 damage.

[Grog]

Right. So go ahead and hold of attack.

[Jester]

Roll to attack. Roll to attack. Roll to attack.

[Grog]

Roll to attack as you're moving in. Yeah.

[Veth]

Come on.

[Grog]

Behind.

[Jester]

Go, go, go, go, go. 23. Okay, thank you. Oh, okay. 8 plus 5 is 13. 22. Okay, 23.

[Fearne]

33. 37.

[Murdy]

40.

[Jester]

43 points of necrotic damage.

[Grog]

A heavy magical blow to you, Malvalio. But you are still stunned and cannot move for the rest of the turn. So you are still there, more or less partially projecting and giving half cover to you from other strikes, finishing Jester's turn. You are no longer stunned now.

[Fearne]

Ha.

[Grog]

Grog, you're up.

[Beauregard]

Yeah. I would like to rage and I would like to make. I love you, Chicago. I'll make the first of my two Blood Axe attacks. Reckless. Great weapon, master.

[Grog]

Oh, that first attack is a minus 15.

[Murdy]

What?

[Fearne]

Right.

[Beauregard]

Damn. Oh, shit. That messes with a negative number thingy.

[Grog]

The first swing, as you billow up your muscular rage and anger, you charge forward and the axe kind of gets stuck into one of the wood beams of the green room, like, exterior and the opening of the stage.

[Beauregard]

I must be a little bit rusty. Next 1 is. Yep, 23 minus 3. 15 is a 15 to hit.

[Grog]

That misses.

[Beauregard]

Damn it.

[Malvolio]

Wait, is he supposed to subtract 15 from that one too?

[Grog]

No, just from the first one.

[Beauregard]

Oh, just from the first one. That's a 30 to hit.

[Murdy]

Go.

[Grog]

And roll damage. That definitely hits.

[Beauregard]

I like roller damage as Frog. It's fun. That is 26 points of slashing damage.

[Grog]

All right. Okay, 26 points of damage. It doesn't do as much damage as you think. In fact, the necrotic hit that you hit with earlier, it seemed like as Mavolio gained his confidence on his turn, the impacts are somehow slightly diminished, like he is protected by some infernal force from within.

[Beauregard]

It's almost like he's protected from some infernal force from within.

[Grog]

Does that finish your turn, Grog?

[Beauregard]

Yeah, it does, but I go.

[Grog]

All right, Finishing grogs go. Kingsley, you're up with Veth on deck.

[Kingsley]

Now it's time to show you some bloody flair. Kingsley slowly removes his long rapier, takes his bifurcated tongue and cuts it along the blade, letting the blood soak all the way across the blade. And then it slowly starts to glow with radiant damage. I take one D8 necrotic, which is only two. And now having that up and running, I make a nice little spin, walk up. It's going to come from the right, it comes from the left. And I'm just going to try and cut right, right above the cheek into that pretty, pretty face. And I'm going to make an attack with advantage because I'm also activating my sword, which will give me advantage, whereas my very. What sword does all sorts of fun shit? That is easier to say. So the attack is there. I rolled a 17 plus. God only knows. Hold on. 17 plus 12. So 30 to hit.

[Grog]

That'll hit.

[Kingsley]

So that is because of everything. That's 1d10 force, 1d10 piercing, 2d6 for sneak attack, and 1d8 radiant for fun.

[Veth]

I have a feeling that's radiant.

[Kingsley]

Oh, my. Wait, I can re roll. One of these is. Which is my. Which is my right. So I'm just gonna go for it. That's a little better. That's 5. 14. 14, 15, 16, 23 plus 9, which is 32. 32 points with some radiant damage in there.

[Grog]

32 points of damage coming towards you, Malvalio.

[Murdy]

This is starting to get annoying, so.

[Kingsley]

I'm gonna take another attack really quickly while I'm there.

[Grog]

Now, this attack also, you're noticing. You strike true and it goes in, but there is a density and a magical protection to Malvolio. So while you do manage to inflict hurt and pain, see the reaction in his face from the impact, it's still not as strong as you would hope.

[Jester]

Magical protection.

[Malvolio]

It's like his ego is protecting him.

[Kingsley]

Oh, you're so boring. And I'm gonna flip around with my other attack and attack you.

[Grog]

Attack me? Yeah, go for it. Roll an attack.

[Murdy]

You get your hands off of him.

[Grog]

Too late.

[Kingsley]

That's not great. That's. I can swear I count 21 to hit.

[Grog]

21 hits.

[Kingsley]

Oh, well, there we are. And I don't get that. But I still get my radiant. And I get my other D8. So it's radiant and force I believe I still get. So that's. And an extra D8 as well. There we are. Hey. That's 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 13. 22 points of damage.

[Grog]

22 points of damage. A heavy strike carves through my. Boss. Boss, this is supposed to be coming for you.

[Murdy]

I know, I know. Murty, I know we've only known each other for a few months, but I love you like a goddamn brother. Legendary action. What? Get him, Murdy.

[Grog]

Oh, yeah, Boss. As Murty dives towards you.

[Kingsley]

Let's bloody dance.

[Grog]

The natural one.

[Beauregard]

Yes. More of those.

[Kingsley]

I literally olave passed.

[Grog]

I tried. Boss keeps at the ready. That's going to finish your turn.

[Kingsley]

Oh, yeah.

[Grog]

All righty with that. Veth, you're up with Caleb on deck.

[Malvolio]

I like how Murty is turning into Crusty the Clown a little bit.

[Murdy]

Hey, I'm just trying to make it work. It's okay. Don't worry about it.

[Malvolio]

I feel like we have to damage his ego or distract him somehow. So I'm going to spend my turn shouting out to the mc. Sure, you've got cockiness and bravado, but shouldn't you be concerned with that piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe? And I'm gonna cast phantasmal force.

[Grog]

That's an intelligent saving throw. It is. Roll an intelligent saving throw for me. That's a six.

[Murdy]

Six.

[Malvolio]

So you. You have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe and it's got like a little bit of poo on it.

[Grog]

You look down and see and you.

[Murdy]

Just can't get it off.

[Grog]

It is messy. It is embarrassing. Make a wisdom saving. I hate it.

[Murdy]

That's another six.

[Grog]

No, no, no. That's an eight.

[Murdy]

It's an eight. It's an eight.

[Grog]

Dejection in Malvolio's face. His attention is now half divided amongst the non existent toilet paper piece. And the tracks it's leaving in his imagination, it seems. Yeah.

[Beauregard]

Nothing like some skin.

[Grog]

Is there any damage for that?

[Malvolio]

I mean, it's 1D6. Psychic damage.

[Grog]

Hey, it all adds up, buddy. One, you take one damage.

[Murdy]

But for the last four pieces of damage I've taken, you should all know that this is the first time you've seen even one piece hurt me for one point, because it was half that damage on the one before and half on the other, because I have unflappable confidence. And for the first time ever, I'm. I'm flapped. Yes.

[Jester]

I like it.

[Fearne]

I like it.

[Murdy]

He can be flapped.

[Grog]

It's true.

[Malvolio]

That's my turn.

[Grog]

All right, that finishes Vetsko. Caleb, you're up with the Fernand Deck.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Okay, so I see that our host is locked into place, which I like. I also like that my best friend has cracked into his psyche. I ignite the Storm Rider boots and start Iron man flying towards him. I pull out a wad of gold dust from my hand and antique his golden coat and cast the dunamantic spell. Immovable object at sixth level.

[Kingsley]

Monster.

[Murdy]

That's the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

[Grog]

Malvolio, in a reaction, in a moment of reactive time, watching him fly through, you would almost stumble back in awe. But you can't stumble or move because your jacket is currently frozen in place.

[Veth]

Wow.

[Grog]

You could try and move, but it is a contested role against his spell capability.

[Caleb]

It's my DC. And since it's at sixth level, it's my DC plus 10. Gotta beat a 28, my friend.

[Jester]

Where did that come from? Wait, where did that come from?

[Beauregard]

What's sexier? Wizards.

[Grog]

You know that wizard shit.

[Murdy]

Is this even doable?

[Grog]

Murty. Yeah, boss. It was a really clever idea. Gonna let it slide?

[Murdy]

Jack it on or jack it off? We'll find out.

[Grog]

When we get to your turn, we'll see what you want to do. All right. Caleb's definite should go.

[Caleb]

All I'll say is that it's 90ft of movement with those boots. So I will rock it in and then rocket the away while he is unable to do anything.

[Grog]

Okay, you rocket off, kind of of beyond the stage for a bit, and you're at the edge where the audience is kind of keeping yourself at bay from the center of this chaos.

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[Grog]

All right, finishing Caleb's go. Fern, you're up with bow on deck.

[Beauregard]

Impressive.

[Fearne]

All right, so I, I Malvolio is stuck in place currently.

[Grog]

It's extremely dejected, so double stuck.

[Fearne]

I would like to. Since there's a little bit of darkness in there, I think I'd like to cast Moonbeam and I'm gonna do that at. Let's just go ahead and do it at sixth level. And also this says. I don't know if this will apply, but maybe it will. A shape changer makes it saving throw with disadvantage interest.

[Murdy]

Oh, how interesting.

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Grog]

What was the safe? Is it wisdom?

[Fearne]

It is. Constitution of 20.

[Murdy]

Oh, I failed on the first roll.

[Beauregard]

Do you have to roll a second time?

[Fearne]

Again?

[Beauregard]

You did okay.

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Grog]

So you do fail the moonbeam. Go ahead and roll damage, Fern.

[Fearne]

Okay. All right. These are my tens. Okay. All right, so we got 60 tens. Oh, this isn't very good. Good y' all. All right, so we got 11 plus seven. 18, we got. Oh, that's another 10.

[Jester]

28.

[Fearne]

21. No, 28. So sorry.

[Grog]

27.

[Fearne]

Okay, that's four. I mean there are two of these. All right. Plus another six.

[Grog]

32.

[Fearne]

34.

[Grog]

Got it.

[Caleb]

These dice are normal sized. Are you okay?

[Fearne]

Yes, I'm okay.

[Veth]

It's because the crew provided her with them.

[Grog]

Uh huh. Uh huh.

[Fearne]

Correct. I didn't bring any of my teeth.

[Grog]

A massive flash of pure lunar magical energy columns up from beneath Malvolio and blasts him, enveloping him in beautiful burning pure white moonlight. It burns the outside of your skin and in this moment take full damage from the spell. As it begins to burn, you see curling ash marks at the edge of his cheeks. That's a pretty nasty hit. Anything else you want to do In. Your turn, Fearne.

[Fearne]

Sure, I'm going to. Mister's been hanging out.

[Murdy]

Mr.

[Fearne]

Threw some at it.

[Murdy]

Don't you dare anything but this.

[Grog]

Mr. Has advantage on this role because he is locked in a coat.

[Fearne]

Wait, say again?

[Grog]

Yes, he's locked in a coat. So Mr. Has advantage on the attack roll.

[Fearne]

Great.

[Grog]

You can't dodge a flaming turd. Okay, not that well.

[Malvolio]

At least it's a full metal jacket.

[Kingsley]

It's funny because it's true. Oh, boo.

[Beauregard]

I'm here for it, though.

[Fearne]

Sorry. Just trying to find Mr.

[Jester]

Here.

[Fearne]

There we go. All right, we got.

[Grog]

Oh, wow.

[Fearne]

I rolled a natural 19 for him.

[Malvolio]

Oh, my God.

[Fearne]

Plus 11.

[Grog]

That'll hit. Go ahead and roll. Flaming poo damage.

[Fearne]

Oh, let's add some poo poo damage.

[Beauregard]

One more D20. Just to see. Just to see. One more D20.

[Fearne]

One more D20.

[Kingsley]

Yes.

[Beauregard]

You had an advantage.

[Grog]

No, it's worth trying.

[Fearne]

All right, that's a four. We got four. Plus six. We got a 10. We got 10 fire damage.

[Grog]

10 damage straight through flaming poo to the kind of neck and left shoulder area. Malvolio.

[Malvolio]

And you need some toilet paper to wipe that off.

[Grog]

And Fern.

[Fearne]

You'Re good.

[Grog]

We're children.

[Fearne]

That's the end of my turn.

[Grog]

All right, Marty.

[Murdy]

Marty. How am I looking, baby?

[Grog]

I mean, honestly, right now? A little rough, boss. At least on a visual standpoint, like, you look gorgeous. Your whole ensemble's a little wrecked. Say it again.

[Murdy]

Say I look gorgeous.

[Grog]

You look gorgeous.

[Murdy]

One more time.

[Grog]

You look gorgeous.

[Murdy]

Yeah, baby. And I'm gonna use my legendary action. Another round in which I can use one of my standard attacks at any time. And this one's for you, Fernie. Covered in shit. Thanks a lot. Hey, audience. Did you like it when she covered me in shit? Thank you. Good. Cause the louder you applauded, the more damage it did to her.

[Grog]

So as the audience begins to spill and grow and volume from earlier, as their cheers begin to echo and reverberate, it fills the chamber. And all of you find yourselves grabbing your ears. I need everyone to make constitution saving throws.

[Veth]

All of us.

[Fearne]

All of us.

[Grog]

All of you.

[Beauregard]

Is this a spell or a legendary action?

[Grog]

This is a legendary action, but not a spell.

[Kingsley]

Or is it a magical effect?

[Grog]

They're considered a magical advantage on this save.

[Kingsley]

That's nice.

[Veth]

It's not good.

[Fearne]

Oh, no.

[Caleb]

Saving throw constitution.

[Jester]

Oh, no. Yikes.

[Fearne]

Wait, is this. Is this a spell or a magical effect?

[Murdy]

Yes, it is.

[Fearne]

Said that, did he? I didn't hear. Is it.

[Kingsley]

It is.

[Fearne]

Yeah, it is. Okay. Is this a spell or a magical effect? Sorry, there's a lot going on.

[Grog]

All right, Beauregard.

[Veth]

It's not good. 13.

[Grog]

23 points of thunder damage. Kingsley, 18. That just succeeds. So you take 11 points of thunder damage. Beth.

[Fearne]

11.

[Grog]

11. You take 23 points of thunder damage. Jester roll or something?

[Jester]

Can't you avoid it? Do I get, like, evasion?

[Grog]

Evasion? It's not a dexterity saving. Okay, great.

[Jester]

I rolled a 12.

[Grog]

23 points of thunder damage.

[Beauregard]

Grog, 25.

[Grog]

11 points of thunder damage. Caleb.

[Caleb]

Svolf. Fail.

[Grog]

Yeah. 23 points of thunder damage. And Fearne, 6. 23 points of thunder damage. As the roar of the audience washes over you and shatters your. Not just your sense of self and confidence, but you feel your bones vibrate with, like, a horrible, aching pain as it passes. You find your body itself racked with soreness immediately thereafter. That finishes Ferns. Go. And your last two legendary actions for now. Beauregard, you're up.

[Veth]

You guys know those, like, those guys who do the, like, moving statue thing, you know, on the street? That's you right now? I'm bad at insults. Okay, I'm gonna look around. Thank you. Okay, I'm gonna go off script a little bit here. Question. This is being broadcast to a larger audience, right?

[Grog]

There's an audience present.

[Veth]

There is an audience present.

[Grog]

You want to see if there's anything beyond that.

[Malvolio]

But it is being recorded for future broadcast.

[Veth]

Do we see something that would resemble a fantasy version of, like.

[Grog]

Cameron, make a perception check.

[Veth]

Thank you.

[Beauregard]

What's a camera?

[Veth]

Describe?

[Malvolio]

Arcane optics device.

[Veth]

Okay. 15.

[Grog]

15. You can see across the audience in the far end of the theater. There are a small number of arcane devices, tube, like, with strange crystals affixed to the end of it that seem to be trained on the movements of you and your compatriots since you arrived.

[Veth]

How far away is it?

[Grog]

It's about 100ft. Maybe a little under.

[Caleb]

Clever girl.

[Grog]

Yes.

[Murdy]

Make it cannon, Matt. Make it canon. It's got a red light on it.

[Kingsley]

It might be an actual cannon.

[Veth]

You're right. I see it. I see it. Okay, I am going to head towards the crystals with the red lights that keep shifting.

[Grog]

All right. What's your movement?

[Veth]

My movement is 50, so I'm gonna step the wind to get there. Said it's right at 100ft.

[Grog]

100Ft. That'll get you there, Beauregard. You dart through the center of the audience and charge through the theater right up against one of these crystal devices.

[Veth]

So I kind of run up and I do a little don't Monk shit and jump on everyone's heads as I go over. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And I go over. I'm going to take two strikes at the recording crystals.

[Grog]

Go for it. Make two attacks.

[Veth]

All right. Yep, those are very good. The first one is a natural 19, bringing it to 31. And then the second one is going to be 24.

[Grog]

So now both of those hit. Go and roll damage.

[Veth]

Okay. The first one at the first camera is going to be 13 damage.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Veth]

The second one is going to be 14 damage.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Veth]

How, how did the first crystal look after the first one?

[Grog]

A heavy impact and it cracks, but it's still holding strong. And the person behind it who's holding it, they're like robed figure looks up like small horns inside of the head like what are you doing, Ms. Get.

[Veth]

But go away.

[Grog]

Okay. And they run away.

[Veth]

And I'm going to take. I'm going to use that second one to break the. Break the.

[Malvolio]

It's time for his union break.

[Grog]

With a second impact, Beauregard, you shatter this device. And with that one connection to the viewership of this event of which you're a part of is scattered and destroyed. Which effectively an element of Malvolio's defenses has been slightly reduced.

[Veth]

Good job.

[Grog]

Yes.

[Beauregard]

Okay, everybody wave and get a round of applause of applause to our camera ops.

[Veth]

Shout out our camera ops. Thank you. But unfortunately I still have two more attacks. Cuz I'm going to do a flurry of blows to the other one.

[Grog]

Well, you have to. You have to roll your.

[Jester]

Whoa, whoa.

[Grog]

We'll get there. Perfect. Roll your dice. Roll your dice. What you got?

[Veth]

Natural 19, that's C, that's ConEd. And a 7, not as good. So that's going to be a 7. 7 plus 12 is 19.

[Grog]

19, I'll say 20 is the target for these devices. So that unfortunately misses one of the best hit roll damage.

[Veth]

Okay, that's good. That's going to be 14 to the first one.

[Grog]

14 points of damage. A heavy impact crack and it kind of gets sent partially out of its mooring. It's still holding on. And you can see a faint arcane glow sparking from within the crystal. So it's still functioning, but just barely.

[Veth]

Sorry, sorry.

[Grog]

Finish your turn, Bow.

[Veth]

That finishes my turn.

[Grog]

That brings us back to Malvolio. As you dust yourself off, the confidence reinstilled you watch. He feels a little more in control in this moment.

[Murdy]

Oh, you think you're so smart. Damaging me by damaging the anachronistic fantasy devices. You See around you. Well, it appears as if you've forgotten that this is my domain. And my passive ability is this is my domain. And as you see around you, the modern stage, the proscenium, the lights and chromatic orbs. Before you, the space changes to stone and dirt and dust and misuse. And before you is an ancient coliseum still filled with the souls of exandria, watching in awe. But the orbs are gone, and you stand alone in the high arcing area that no longer has a camera.

[Caleb]

My turn is our host.

[Murdy]

Bonus action.

[Caleb]

Still frozen in place, though.

[Murdy]

My turn.

[Grog]

Yes. If you'd like to, you could use part of your attack action to try and escape the coat with an acrobatics.

[Caleb]

Check to beat a 28.

[Fearne]

Well, hold on.

[Grog]

Well, that's to keep the coat.

[Fearne]

Hang on. Are you starting? You're starting your turn in the moonbeam.

[Grog]

Correct.

[Fearne]

All right. So you could take more damage.

[Grog]

That's true.

[Murdy]

Let him go.

[Grog]

Let him know.

[Beauregard]

All right, so free rides around here.

[Fearne]

It must make a constitution saving throw.

[Grog]

Go ahead and roll.

[Fearne]

Make a constitution saving throw. You have to beat a 20.

[Grog]

Ooh. That'll be a 27. It's half damage, though, so.

[Fearne]

Okay, 2d10 radiant damage.

[Grog]

Go ahead and roll it. Okay.

[Fearne]

Where's my tits? There you are.

[Malvolio]

Where's my tits?

[Veth]

That's what I heard.

[Jester]

I mean, that's what I heard.

[Kingsley]

Hopefully right where you left.

[Fearne]

Okay, that's 14. 7 points of radiant.

[Grog]

Okay, 7 points of radiant damage to you. Not a heavy impact. You're still locked in your coat. You can try and force against the magical lock that holds on it, or you can try and squeeze out of your coat, like, dislocate your shoulders a little bit and get out. Probably an easier roll for acrobatics, but it's up to you.

[Murdy]

Marty.

[Fearne]

How.

[Murdy]

Marty, can you get this thing off of me, please? Yeah, easy enough to.

[Grog]

Nah, but, boss, it's kind of hard to move. Are you trying to squeeze out of it or are you trying.

[Murdy]

I'm trying to squeeze out of it with Murdy's help.

[Grog]

All right, Murdy will help you with the advantage. This will be the get a murty action on your turn.

[Murdy]

Yeah, I'll take it.

[Grog]

All right, so go ahead and roll an acrobatics check with advantage. That is a plus 11.

[Murdy]

Let's go.

[Grog]

It's a 26, which does not beat his thing. One more time, you stinky wizard. That's not gonna do it.

[Veth]

Oh, no.

[Grog]

You are still locked in your coat, but you still get at least one of your abilities. You wasted Merdy's to help you on that.

[Fearne]

Hold on a minute. You have disadvantage on your constitution saving throw, so I know you rolled a 27.

[Grog]

So disadvantage on the saving throw.

[Fearne]

You have a disadvantage advantage on the saving throw if you are a shape changer.

[Grog]

That's right, yes. Roll one more time.

[Murdy]

All right.

[Grog]

Oh, my.

[Murdy]

You've been doing this for so long. How do you keep track of all this?

[Grog]

That's a natural one.

[Fearne]

Okay, okay.

[Grog]

That's 14.

[Fearne]

All right. Well, hang on a minute.

[Grog]

Oh, boy.

[Fearne]

So this says a shape changer makes a saving throw with disadvantage. If it fails, it also instantly reverts to its original form and can't assume a different form until it leaves the spell's light.

[Murdy]

Please, Please. I've done everything you've asked of me. I've brought them here. They're alive. I'm trying to make them dead. What the fuck do you want from me, man?

[Grog]

A dark voice rings out from the ether around the entirety of the theater. I gave you these gifts. Use them as we see fit or I will take them away. Do we hear this voice as the moon? As you hear it faintly through the chamber as the moonbeam takes hold, what glamours fade from your change? What do they see if anything changes about you? Malvolio?

[Murdy]

I paid 2,000 pieces of gold for these and now this audience is gonna get feet for free. No.

[Beauregard]

Anything with that.

[Murdy]

Wait, you're always.

[Jester]

That's your whole hanging dog to you. Literally. Just had.

[Murdy]

It's going up.

[Grog]

Wait.

[Malvolio]

You were strange to have boots.

[Beauregard]

Did you say you have a dark toe?

[Veth]

No, but that's fair.

[Jester]

You just have bare, stinky feet now.

[Murdy]

What?

[Jester]

You have bare, stinky old feet now?

[Murdy]

Yes. I got sticky old feet.

[Kingsley]

A lot of hair on that knuckle. Just one of them.

[Murdy]

My feelings are really hurt right now. And I did it to myself.

[Grog]

Which does on your turn. Demoralize you. Enough. Or I need you to make another wisdom saving throw. All right, that is going to be. Okay. A plus eight.

[Murdy]

Okay, 22.

[Grog]

22. You hold on it. So you feet exposed the world around you. Still hold your shit together.

[Murdy]

All right, I did it. I'm good. You better give me a little boost here, you son of a bitch.

[Fearne]

Who are you talking to?

[Murdy]

Don't worry about it. Take a turn.

[Fearne]

Insight check.

[Grog]

Make an insight check. What are you trying to learn?

[Jester]

Did you recognize the voice when we heard it?

[Fearne]

Yes. I wanted to see if we recognize the voice or if I can figure.

[Grog]

Out who he's talking to sure make an inside show.

[Murdy]

Yeah, right, dad.

[Fearne]

Okay. Ooh, 23.

[Grog]

Ooh, 23. Best you can tell, you do not recognize this voice, but there definitely seems to be a. A very direct connection between Malvolio's actions towards this voice and his current disposition. That's the best you can make out for this, Malvolio? Is there anything else on your turn you can do? What are you good with your turn?

[Murdy]

I think I'm good for now.

[Grog]

Love a bonus action.

[Murdy]

Ooh, I do. Thank you. Thank you, Murder. You've always been a good friend. That's what I'm here for, boss.

[Grog]

Here to protect. How do you keep you nice and sane, safe and hurting things?

[Murdy]

All right, Bardic demoralization against you. The most charming one. Who?

[Jester]

Me?

[Murdy]

Jester, your next D20 gets a negative D12 roll.

[Jester]

Aw, man.

[Grog]

Sorry. And that finishes Malvolio's turn. Jester, you're up with grog on changes.

[Jester]

What I was gonna do. Hold on.

[Kingsley]

There's options.

[Malvolio]

Just do it.

[Jester]

Not with it.

[Fearne]

But. Oh, man.

[Beauregard]

Jester, Jester, Jir.

[Jester]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Is he still stuck in his coat?

[Grog]

He's still stuck in his coat with.

[Jester]

Okay.

[Grog]

With Murty trying to pull him out of it like boss. Don't worry, don't worry. We got this. Don't look over here.

[Jester]

Okay.

[Grog]

Just a little undressing between boys.

[Jester]

Okay.

[Beauregard]

Just a little undressing.

[Jester]

Okay, I'm going to. For. Oh, God. Okay, for my action, I'm going to. Can trip. No, that. I don't want to do that. But listen, listen. Shut up. Okay. Okay. What I'm gonna do, I'm going to conjure a spiritual weapon. And instead of my normal beautiful lollipop, it's going to be just a giant golden traveler shaped dick. Like the biggest one. Really floppy. And I'm gonna try to smack. Smack him upside the head.

[Beauregard]

Really floppy.

[Jester]

Yeah, it's a floppy dildo. Sort of wag wag wa. Like rubber, you know?

[Grog]

What level are you casting it at?

[Jester]

Well, here's the thing. I was gonna cast it at level eight. So it's really big.

[Murdy]

Listen, listen, listen. Eight. Eight's not as big as you think.

[Fearne]

Oh, man.

[Malvolio]

I. I only cast up to three.

[Beauregard]

It's a whole new world out there. Look at you.

[Jester]

I don't think it's going to. I don't think it's going to hit him though.

[Grog]

What? You roll?

[Jester]

I haven't rolled yet.

[Grog]

Well, roll an attack. Roll with it as the giant floppy traveler Dick guidance.

[Beauregard]

I love how it had a light.

[Grog]

An action to cast guidance on. Your turn. Good looking out.

[Jester]

Okay.

[Fearne]

I was just trying to give her a little.

[Murdy]

Of course.

[Jester]

Oh.

[Grog]

Oh. Oh.

[Jester]

That's. Is that really good? No, that's really bad.

[Malvolio]

Minus D12?

[Grog]

Yep.

[Jester]

Minus the D12 or minus 10?

[Grog]

Minus D12.

[Jester]

It doesn't matter.

[Fearne]

It won't hit regardless.

[Grog]

Let's see what it is.

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Jester]

Oh, that's rough. That's a seven.

[Grog]

Not bad. The floppy swing, it's really big, though. It's really big, but like a massive Kaiju. It's like, slow in its arc, and it kind of like. It just misses by about three feet and then ricochets back. You've never. You've never flung something so large and turgid.

[Caleb]

Game too flaccid. Too flaccid to find its target.

[Jester]

Okay, listen, I was just trying to make it look like you.

[Murdy]

I absolutely have to roll for that.

[Grog]

I mean, you're still demoralized, but sure. Let's go for double demoralization.

[Murdy]

Double demoralization.

[Grog]

That's actually. With an 18, that's still pretty good. So. Yeah. So you're. The next attack is not getting advantage against you, but that still kind of sucks. That hurt.

[Jester]

But for my action, I'm going to cantrip Sacred Flame, which is a dexterity.

[Grog]

Saving throw, which you automatically fail because you cannot move.

[Jester]

So I automatically do 3D damage. Okay. Okay. Okay. So at least that's something.

[Grog]

Yep. Grog, you're up next.

[Jester]

Okay. Oh.

[Grog]

Whoa. Be ganged up on by 7.

[Jester]

22 points of radiant damage.

[Murdy]

7 or 17?

[Grog]

17.

[Jester]

22.

[Grog]

Oh. 22. Boom. There we go.

[Jester]

22. And you still have a really big dick just flopping right next to you.

[Veth]

Just a flopping.

[Murdy]

I've had this dream before.

[Veth]

Floppy 2, tube in.

[Grog]

All right, that finishes your go.

[Jester]

Yes.

[Grog]

Grog, you're up.

[Beauregard]

At the introduction of this big floppy space whale that just evaporated in front of everything. I'm going to go into a frenzied raid. I'm going make three attacks. Reckless. Great weapon master one against the space dick. Can do against him. Natural 20.

[Grog]

What? Wait, wait.

[Caleb]

Don't roll again. Don't roll again. Is this an advantage because our enemy is locked in place?

[Grog]

Locked in place in this instance. No, it. It just has a.

[Malvolio]

Well, the first attack's against the dick.

[Beauregard]

It's reckless.

[Grog]

Is this against the dick, or is this against Malvolio?

[Beauregard]

The first one was the dick.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Beauregard]

The next, who are against Melboil.

[Murdy]

Why are you attacking the penis?

[Beauregard]

Listen, why would you not attack the penis? 29 to hit for you.

[Grog]

29 does hit.

[Beauregard]

Oh, a minus 5. So it's actually 24 to hit.

[Grog]

24 hits still hits.

[Beauregard]

And 17 plus 10. 27 minus 5 is.

[Malvolio]

22.

[Beauregard]

22 both hit beautiful. First space whale meet your vengeance. 5 plus 5 plus 10 plus oh. Plus the blood ax does 1d6 necrotic damage. 6. That's 17, 18. 21 points of damage on the floppy penis.

[Grog]

Your axe swings wide through the ethereal phallus to no impact. It is beyond your ability to harm Grog. This might be the most dangerous thing you've ever fought.

[Murdy]

Yes, yes.

[Beauregard]

Focus, Grog. Leave the space whale for another day.

[Murdy]

And right before you tell me what damage you take in my frozen form, I turn to Kingsley and say, oh, hello, pretty. Ready to die again. And I cast as my reaction manifest contestants. And you immediately teleport from where you are to directly in front of me to absorb Grog's glow.

[Caleb]

Countess spell.

[Grog]

It's not a spell. It's a magical effect, but it's not a spell. Good looking out.

[Beauregard]

14 points of damage.

[Grog]

Things that you take a heavy hit from Grog as you're suddenly taking like the entire blood Axe blow to the chest.

[Beauregard]

And the very last one. 12 +5 is 17 +3. 20. 20. 20 points of slashing damage for the very last rage attack.

[Grog]

So one does hit true and mark into Malvolio, taking a heavy chunk of wound left.

[Beauregard]

Yeah. From me to you. And a space penis gets in later.

[Grog]

Does that finish your turn, Grog? All right, that finishes Grog's turn. Do you want to do that?

[Murdy]

Yes. What was that sound my mouth just made? Yeah, that was a mouth stress fart. Yes, my legendary action. I feel like doing a little encore. And I'm gonna cast two fiery bolts at you, Grog, because I'm spiteful.

[Grog]

Let's go.

[Murdy]

First one. Fuck. 14 does not hit. I assume.

[Beauregard]

Can I also use Mage Slayer?

[Veth]

Yes.

[Grog]

Yeah, you can. But. But this is after the attack, so the attacks will happen and then you get the reaction.

[Beauregard]

Perfect.

[Grog]

14 misses. Yeah, and I the next one. Roll more time. I'll get one more. Yeah.

[Murdy]

Yeah, that's right, guys.

[Grog]

Same 14.

[Beauregard]

Oh, never mind. I won't use Mage Slayer, bitch.

[Murdy]

Okay, you can't retcon me in my own game.

[Grog]

I think that finishes Grog's turn. Kingsley, you're up with Veth on deck.

[Kingsley]

As I'm now bleeding with my back to you. I'm going to thank you, Grog, for that, by the way. That's why the coat's Red. You don't have to see it. I'm going to lean back, make a. Make a nice glare, and go. I think that's mine now, darling. And I'm going to use my first attack also while activating my blade to try and pierce the hat right off the MC's head.

[Beauregard]

Not the hat.

[Grog]

All right. This, this.

[Kingsley]

And I'm on double speed and advantage because I activated the.

[Grog]

Activated the sword. Yeah. All right. So, yeah, take the attack roll with advantage. This is going to be. So you're not doing it for damage.

[Kingsley]

No damage.

[Grog]

So this will be a continuous tested acrobatics roll from you to you. You will have advantage in this role because you cannot move as well in the seat. You're just trying to move your head out of the way.

[Kingsley]

So this is an acrobatics role.

[Grog]

Correct. All right, you have advantage on it. You do not. So go ahead and roll and add your acrobatics.

[Jester]

He's really hurting now.

[Murdy]

I can't bear to look at it. Would you please tell.

[Grog]

Bro you are rolling so bad.

[Murdy]

I feel like the top of the show was great. The musical number turned out pretty good, and, like, they were on my side, but then they figured it out and started to be mean to me. What's insane?

[Grog]

I'm sorry to tell you, boss. That's a natural one. Oh, my God, bro, I'm so sorry.

[Murdy]

Oh, this is what I get for spending $300,000 dollars on drama school.

[Grog]

And what'd you roll?

[Kingsley]

I rolled a 26.

[Grog]

With a rapid flick of Kingsley's wrist. The rapier pierces and plucks the hat off your head.

[Kingsley]

A little Bob Flossy. Bob Flossy.

[Fearne]

Flossy.

[Kingsley]

There we go. Right in. I put the hat on myself where it clearly looks better. I take a bow, spin around, and take a slash against his face for my second attack.

[Grog]

All right, well, we finished the first attack.

[Murdy]

Okay, Please, I. I beg of you. I work so hard on the set and everyone we put this together. Just don't say that they're small.

[Grog]

Oh, I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it.

[Fearne]

The devious. Oh, my goodness. Those are. Those are baby horns.

[Murdy]

No, they're not. They're growing.

[Jester]

I promise, they're bigger than yours.

[Murdy]

I am a grower, not a shower.

[Jester]

Listen, listen. Mine got bigger as I got older. Maybe others will do the same thing.

[Kingsley]

Oh, fuck the Mohawk. It's worth it.

[Jester]

And he's vertical.

[Grog]

It looks really good. Bosch, I think you're beautiful.

[Murdy]

Are you sure, Murty? I feel like they're turning against me.

[Grog]

Merty kind of looks off the distance for a second. His eyes go black. Yeah. Yeah.

[Murdy]

Okay.

[Grog]

Yeah, you're doing fine. Take your second attack, Kingsley. 24 to hit that Hit squad. Roll damage.

[Kingsley]

Let's see. Yeah, no, I'm. I'm happy with all of this. Yeah, that's 12, 18, 19, 21, 25. 34 points of damage.

[Grog]

Heavy hit, Malvolio. You're starting to feel a little winded. The blows are starting to cut through not just your ego, but your previously perfect physical form. You're starting to wither.

[Murdy]

Say it ain't so, Marty. It's not time for Botox yet, is it?

[Grog]

I got a friend who can hook you up with a Groupon. I'll talk after that finishes. Your turn, Kingsley.

[Kingsley]

Oh, yes.

[Grog]

Beth, you're up with Caleb on deck.

[Malvolio]

Okay, I probably should attack, but I just can't. I'm gonna do something different. Earlier, you called this audience a bunch of strangers. That's not true. These aren't strangers. These are fellow exandrians. These are comrades in spirit. These are critters. I'm gonna cast Tasha's hideous laughter on the audience and have them mock you with their laughter. No, come on. Laugh at him.

[Murdy]

Laugh at him.

[Grog]

I'm gonna do something weird with this. Hey, roll this dice for me, jester.

[Jester]

Oh, my gosh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Grog]

I'm into it. All right, roll it on the ground.

[Jester]

Wait.

[Veth]

17.

[Grog]

Oh.

[Malvolio]

Does that mean they resist?

[Veth]

Wait, did they resist?

[Grog]

You can keep it that.

[Veth]

Is that good or bad?

[Grog]

And so, with a high enough roll, I ask you, the jester in the front row, do you give in to the hideous laughter? Suddenly, the entire audience begins to roar with endless chuckles and laughter.

[Murdy]

Oh, I'm just a new guy.

[Malvolio]

How would you do this to me?

[Murdy]

Is this not enough? Are you not entertained?

[Grog]

Oh, Malvolio. Oh, my God. As you slink back to your seat, the voice kicks in again. What are you doing? This execution is delayed.

[Murdy]

I'm sorry. I kind of went off script for a minute. I think I got a little bit caught up in the applause and forgot what it was supposed to do.

[Grog]

A flash of dark magic dispels what holds your coat in place, sourceless from its location.

[Murdy]

A little bit sweaty in here, Alec.

[Fearne]

What a shirt.

[Murdy]

Hey, you know what?

[Grog]

It's.

[Murdy]

I remember what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to kill these. Total party kill. It's what everybody wants. They claim to be your fans, fellow exandrians, but they want to see you suffer. Oh, I'm feeling better right now. Yeah, laugh all you you want. Let's do this. Final wind. Bring it on.

[Grog]

A brave face he holds. But the dejection of that room of laughter still cuts deep. The next round has advantage on all attacks against Malvolio.

[Fearne]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Good job, everybody.

[Grog]

Good job. So Veth finishes. Your turn. Caleb, you're up.

[Caleb]

All right. Well, after seeing my best friend just ruin this man's whole life, I think it's about time we start trying to end it. And I just walk calmly up to him as the gold coat dissolves away, pulling a stone up the length of my arm, which glows green. And I press my hand to his chest and cast disintegrate.

[Jester]

What?

[Veth]

Come on. Come on.

[Beauregard]

Is disintegrate.

[Grog]

So for that, is that a deck save? Deck saving throw from you, Malvolio.

[Murdy]

Good thing you've never cast this spell before, ever.

[Grog]

Come on.

[Murdy]

Knock, knock. Who's there? 28.

[Caleb]

Well, I don't know. I don't know if Akira opens up a hole in his chest, but that's.

[Grog]

A success, a big success against your say.

[Caleb]

Yeah, I'm an 18. That's a 28.

[Grog]

So as you unleash this wave, you blast it outward. And as he says this to you, he just smiles. And you watch as the visage of Malvolio turns to black smoke and fades away. And you immediately sense him behind you, like something had plucked him from that moment in space. And he just apparates this dark, tiny horned shadow that just looms over from behind.

[Caleb]

I look to Jester and say, he's behind me, isn't he?

[Fearne]

Yeah.

[Murdy]

I'm gonna use my legendary action one more time.

[Grog]

You have two more left if you.

[Murdy]

Want to use them, because I'm going to use two slots to cast another round, which requires two actions. And I'm going to cast multitasker, and I'm going to make one attack. And afterwards, Murdy's gonna finish the job. And I'm feeling my confidence fall more and more because I dropped the only detail 20 left at the table.

[Fearne]

Holy.

[Murdy]

That's a sock. Here we go.

[Kingsley]

I cast blood. Curse of the Eyeless. While this happens.

[Grog]

Okay, so you have disadvantage on the attack roll.

[Kingsley]

This one's first attack firing on your eye.

[Caleb]

Is this for me?

[Murdy]

Not great. Does a 19 hit?

[Caleb]

Oh, yeah.

[Grog]

Was disadvantage because you roll again, right?

[Malvolio]

Is it disadvantage or negative?

[Kingsley]

No, it gives it negative.

[Grog]

Say it. Say it. Oh, no. Yeah, it's negative. D8.

[Malvolio]

Negative D8.

[Grog]

Sorry, sorry. So 19 minus a D8.

[Kingsley]

You want me to roll? Never mind. Yeah, I want you to roll minus.

[Veth]

One.

[Grog]

Does 18 still hit.

[Caleb]

Damn shield.

[Jester]

Okay.

[Veth]

Okay.

[Grog]

Roll again.

[Murdy]

I'm so good at this. Again.

[Grog]

19 with shield holds. What's your AC currently with shield?

[Caleb]

AC with shield is 22.

[Grog]

Roll again. Third blast. That's a 22.

[Caleb]

Beats it.

[Grog]

Beats it.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[Grog]

So go ahead and roll that damage, all right.

[Murdy]

Oh, good. I'm feeling hot tonight, baby. That's a I roll as a three.

[Grog]

Three points of fire. Damage healed. And then roll one more as your final blast. Oh, look, that's a 20. That missed.

[Murdy]

I feel it all falling apart. Don't worry, boss. I got this.

[Caleb]

I wince a little bit and real quiet say, this is beneath both of us. That's it.

[Grog]

All right. As you see him kind of pull back with this look of shock and despair of failing this amazing retribution. A dark shape curls over over Malvilia's shoulder. As you see, Marty goes. Don't worry, boss. I got him. And leaps towards you. That's gonna be a 24 to hit. You sure that you take. Oh, man. That's gonna be. Oh, this is a Nasty one.

[Murdy]

Nice. Yeah.

[Grog]

23 points of damage.

[Caleb]

Okay.

[Grog]

As Myrty just begins to claw and tear into you the like this ravenous beast that finishing Caleb's go. Fearne, you're up.

[Fearne]

All right. I've never done this before.

[Jester]

You've got this far.

[Fearne]

Okay. I'm gonna walk up to Mal and just put my hand on his shoulder. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but I'm gonna cast Contagion and at fifth level. And you have to succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 11D8 necrotic damage.

[Murdy]

How many?

[Grog]

Wow. Plus 8.

[Murdy]

26.

[Jester]

Damn.

[Malvolio]

He doesn't have disadvantage for the laughter.

[Grog]

You know what? I'll allow it one more time. You were dejected.

[Murdy]

24.

[Fearne]

All right.

[Jester]

This is con really high.

[Fearne]

Okay. So do you take half damage?

[Grog]

What does it say on the spell?

[Fearne]

Okay, let's see here. Also choose one ability when you cast the spell.

[Jester]

Oops.

[Fearne]

Wildfire Poison. The target has disadvantage on saving throws. Okay, that doesn't count. The target must repeat the same. Okay, hold on.

[Kingsley]

A lot of text on that one.

[Grog]

This is the D and D experience.

[Fearne]

It just. I don't know if it goes through.

[Grog]

If it doesn't say half damage on a success.

[Fearne]

It doesn't.

[Grog]

Then I think it's an all or nothing target. Must have seen.

[Fearne]

Wait. The target must succeed on a constitution saving Throw or take a 11D8. Necrotic damage and have the poison condition also. Choose. Okay, I'm reading the same thing over and over again.

[Jester]

Okay, it is.

[Beauregard]

Who can relate?

[Fearne]

It didn't work.

[Jester]

Oh, no.

[Grog]

You resist the spell, Malvolio. A good. A good try.

[Jester]

Damn, that was really cool.

[Grog]

Fear as you feel the intent of dark nature magic. Attempt to tear your physical body asunder from inside with a disease. You shrug it off. And now Fearne stands before you looking up with a little bit of a confused smile.

[Fearne]

As a bonus action. Can I just talk to him for a second?

[Grog]

What do you want to say?

[Fearne]

Hey. So.

[Veth]

Hey.

[Grog]

Hey.

[Fearne]

You look like you're kind of not into this. Like, you look like someone else has put you in charge of this. Why don't you jump on our team as the fourth member and like, forget whoever is is puppeting your strings. We can protect you. We're protectors of the realm.

[Murdy]

That's a pretty good offer.

[Fearne]

Come on.

[Veth]

Come on.

[Grog]

What are you.

[Murdy]

What do you think? Give me a break.

[Fearne]

Yeah, give him a.

[Grog]

I will eat.

[Murdy]

Your soul if you don't finish M. That's a no.

[Fearne]

All right. I was just throwing it out there.

[Grog]

Beauregard, you're up.

[Veth]

Okay. A lot's happened in a round.

[Murdy]

Yep.

[Veth]

I'm going to finish my original job and take out the other cam crystal.

[Jester]

Wait, are we back?

[Grog]

Right. And there's none there. Since you are now in a ruined amphitheater where you were trans. You were shifted by Malvolio into a different theater.

[Veth]

Wait, am I. Am I here? Am I still here? Do I see anything? Yeah, still here.

[Grog]

You're still with everybody else. You're just in a different theater now.

[Jester]

But didn't you notice when everything disappeared and we entered a different theater? No.

[Veth]

I noticed.

[Jester]

Maybe you should hit him instead. He's the one with the giant dick next to him.

[Beauregard]

Yeah, yeah, it's right there.

[Veth]

Okay. I'm still a hundred feet away, aren't I?

[Grog]

You are.

[Veth]

Okay. I run a hundred feet.

[Fearne]

Jesus.

[Veth]

Doing step of the wind monks, I once again, again bounce across the audience members heads. Sorry. Sorry. Oop. Sorry. Oh, thank you. Oh, thanks for the boost. And then I jump. And then I'm going to run across the space whale and I'm going to do a flip off of the penis. And I'm going to come down.

[Grog]

Oh.

[Veth]

With a big slap with my stick.

[Grog]

Go ahead and roll your attacks up.

[Veth]

Pop, pop. Wow.

[Murdy]

Wow.

[Veth]

Pretty bad. 17 and 16.

[Grog]

Both of those miss.

[Malvolio]

Yeah, it's that slippery dick.

[Veth]

It is that slip.

[Jester]

Wait, I thought all. All attacks against him were at advantage.

[Grog]

Because of the bad thing. Yeah, that was. That was for the next round or like the next.

[Jester]

I thought it was the next round.

[Grog]

So all of them hit. You know, I'll allow it. Sure. So that first attack misses that would have been advanced in the first attack.

[Veth]

Okay. Second attack, much better. The second one is going to be 23 to hit.

[Grog]

That does hit.

[Fearne]

Yeah.

[Grog]

Okay, so you got one through.

[Veth]

Got one through nine damage.

[Grog]

All right.

[Veth]

Stunning strike.

[Grog]

Make a constitution saving throw for me now.

[Jester]

Fail it, fail it, fail it, fail it.

[Murdy]

No, no, no, no, no. 18.

[Veth]

You just make it.

[Fearne]

Damn.

[Veth]

Okay, that's it.

[Grog]

I finished.

[Veth]

I'm based with Malvolio Beauregard.

[Grog]

As your turn finishes. Malvolio. That angry voice that was so furious and terrifying to slips in your ear. But it's not too late. You have my gifts. And they're closer to death than you think. You have my compatriot. You have my sight. Do what must be done.

[Murdy]

Marty. Bring down the music. Bring down the lights. The stage changes once again. And this time it's just us. It's 10 years in the past and it's someone's living room.

[Jester]

What the shit?

[Murdy]

There are Doritos on the table. There's iced tea, maybe a drink or two. And some friends gather around a table for the first time ever. And they're playing a game where maybe you find a path to somewhere fun and beautiful. And they all know each other from different places in life. And maybe, just maybe, there's a spark of friendship there. You got this jock guy who's also a theater nerd and he's not so sure, but the girl that he loves loves it, so he's in too. And you got old time friends who've known each other forever. You got people who only work together. And maybe they've only found each other a few other times. The history's there and Malvolio doesn't know all the details. He's only been around for a little bit. But the vibe that he gets is that these heroes are meant for something just a little bit greater. And you all start to fade away and you polymorph until the flies. A fly on the wall and it's you and you've been there since the beginning. And you get to see it unfold. And they play and they play and they laugh and they snack and they drink and they joke and it's some part after a few days or weeks or years, who knows? I don't know the story, but they decide maybe someone else wants to see this. And it's a spark. It's a little spark. And it grows and it grows. And that fire grows and it lights the room and the room becomes bigger and the room changes. The room changes into a little studio with a little shitty camera. And someone goes, oh, man, is anybody gonna watch this? And they kick up the lights and no one's done it ever before. Who the fuck watches DD on tv? And there it goes. And there it grows. And here we are in a big room tonight. The only ones live in person that will ever see this moment. And you're loving it. You're loving it. And we're loving it with you. And the coolest one part is. The coolest part is, yeah, you're dialed in. You're with us, but you're in the backs of your own minds, too. And you think about your living room and your snacks and your drinks and your friends and. God, we'd love to see it, too. And the scene changes and the sparkle changes and the egos go away. And it's just a game. And for one last round, we're gonna try to fuck each other up. Let's go, baby.

[Beauregard]

Robbie.

[Murdy]

Robbie, Robbie, Robbie. Bobby. Bobby. I cast imposter syndrome. You don't need to. Just kidding. I'm going to cast the Deadly Game. And I'm gonna choose someone that I haven't been nice to. I'm gonna pick Fearne and I'm gonna pick this. And right now, you both have to make.

[Grog]

Well, you choose which of these you want to use.

[Murdy]

Ooh. Spikes come up from the floor. Dorito shaped spikes.

[Jester]

Yes.

[Murdy]

I'd like you both to make an acrobatic.

[Grog]

You choose. Athletics or acrobatics?

[Murdy]

Acrobatics.

[Fearne]

Cool Ranch or nacho cheese? Cool Ranch or nacho cheese?

[Murdy]

Yes. Oh.

[Veth]

Ooh.

[Murdy]

Cool Ranch.

[Beauregard]

Cool Ranch.

[Veth]

Cool Ranch.

[Grog]

Cool Ranch.

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Beauregard]

Cool Ranch.

[Murdy]

Nerdy. Is it a skill check or a saving throw?

[Grog]

No, this is a skill check. At this point in time, both of them have been shunted into part of the terrifying mountain of competition, and they are now competing against each other. So both of you roll against the. Each other.

[Malvolio]

Against each other.

[Grog]

Correct.

[Jester]

Wait, we're rolling acrobatics?

[Grog]

Yes.

[Malvolio]

Are we. Okay, Are we trying to jump or push or what?

[Grog]

You're trying to avoid the terrifying blades that are spinning around the mountainous Dorito spikes.

[Fearne]

Which one am I going to do? Which one am I going to do? What am I going to do? Do this. Acrobatics.

[Grog]

Do this one.

[Malvolio]

I think it's athletics.

[Kingsley]

Do you.

[Malvolio]

Did you say athletics.

[Jester]

Athletics or acrobatics? Both.

[Fearne]

Terrible.

[Grog]

Acrobatics or acrobatics?

[Murdy]

Acrobatics. Acrobatics.

[Grog]

All right, come on.

[Fearne]

14, 9, 11.

[Grog]

Fern, you take 28 points of slashing damage. As you cannot keep up and the first leg of the contest is complete, I need you both to roll again.

[Malvolio]

No, say athletics again.

[Grog]

Acrobatic.

[Fearne]

I am. 11 hit points.

[Malvolio]

Which one?

[Grog]

Acrobatic.

[Veth]

11 hit points.

[Jester]

Yeah.

[Malvolio]

Okay, 29.

[Fearne]

Okay, I'm gonna roll it in here. I'm gonna roll it in here. I'm gonna roll it in here.

[Grog]

God.

[Fearne]

Ten.

[Murdy]

Fourth.

[Grog]

Fern, you take 16 points of slashing.

[Fearne]

I'm out.

[Murdy]

Come out.

[Grog]

There is a third round here. Roll. Acrobatics.

[Malvolio]

Acrobatics. I get advantage on 15.

[Grog]

You land swimmingly, avoided all of the dangerous traps and blades and spikes. As you continue with the friends, you all turn back. And where Fearne had fallen and the blood blades continue to grind her in, you take two death saves.

[Fearne]

I take two death saves.

[Malvolio]

Two death fails.

[Grog]

Correct.

[Fearne]

So I have two failures.

[Grog]

Yes.

[Murdy]

Which one of you would consider themselves the healer?

[Jester]

Oh, that's a tr.

[Malvolio]

That's a trick question.

[Grog]

That's a trick question.

[Kingsley]

It's not fair.

[Jester]

Yeah, I would do that.

[Murdy]

Oh, thanks for being so honest, barrick. Demoralization. Negative D12 on your next turn. That's it for me, friends.

[Grog]

Boss, do you want me to do anything to help?

[Murdy]

Yeah, why not? Get a. Murdy, you're the healer, you said. Right. Let's dance.

[Grog]

And Murty charges towards Jester.

[Jester]

Oh, no.

[Grog]

That's going to be a 19 to hit. What's your armor class?

[Jester]

Oh, 19.

[Grog]

It just hits you.

[Jester]

Oh, no.

[Grog]

Okay, Jester. Okay. Plus. Oh, nice. Okay, so 22 points of damage, Jester.

[Fearne]

Fuck you.

[Jester]

What kind of damage?

[Grog]

This would be slashing damage.

[Fearne]

Okay, okay, wait.

[Jester]

Screw you. I have hellish rebuke.

[Fearne]

Yes.

[Jester]

So you're going to take 3d10 cold damage.

[Grog]

All right. Constitution save for me is gonna be a 17. What's the DC on yours?

[Veth]

I don't know.

[Jester]

Oh, 18.

[Grog]

All right, so, yeah, Murdy's gonna take it. Go ahead and roll the damage.

[Fearne]

Wait, hold on.

[Grog]

And Jester, your turn is after this.

[Jester]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fearne]

14.

[Grog]

Whoa.

[Murdy]

That was so good.

[Jester]

24 points of cold damage.

[Grog]

Murdy takes a heavy hit and gets blasted back into your shoulder. You see all these, like, icicles stuck to the body? Hey, boss, I'm feeling a little chilly.

[Murdy]

Oh, Murdy, let me hold you.

[Grog]

It's getting dark out there, boss.

[Murdy]

No, no, Marty. Stay with the light, Please. You're the only friend I ever had. You will not kiss me right now.

[Grog]

No, I'm just blown away by the fact that you haven't had any friends. That's kind of.

[Murdy]

Oh, shut the fuck up.

[Grog]

That finishes our turn. Jester, you're up.

[Veth]

Dungeon Master, real quick.

[Grog]

Yeah.

[Veth]

Would that be considered an attack against another person other than Beauregard?

[Grog]

From Murdy? Yes.

[Veth]

And not from. Not from mc?

[Grog]

Technically, no.

[Jester]

All right. All right.

[Veth]

It. I'll do it anyway. Sentinel attack against Marty.

[Grog]

Go for it. Hold the attack. Let's go, let's go.

[Veth]

Okay. I think that's going to hit with a 25.

[Grog]

That hits. Roll damage.

[Veth]

That's gonna be 11 points of damage.

[Grog]

Yeah. Murdy takes a heavy crack at the jaw. If we're gonna do something, we gotta do it soon. Starting to get a little. A little spinier. Boss kinda looks up. His eyes go black for a second. I know, I know. It's disappointing, right? You got this. Jester, Your turn.

[Jester]

Oh yeah. I see Farn getting tangled up in his things. And I'm gonna run towards her.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Jester]

Right as I turn back to you and I say fuck off. And I slap him across the face with my spiritual dick.

[Grog]

Go ahead and roll an attack. It is not an advantage since you've regained some of your composure.

[Jester]

Has he though? But it was the full round that.

[Grog]

We haven't gotten back to till his next turn.

[Veth]

Fuck.

[Beauregard]

It's you that controls the space whale.

[Jester]

Yeah.22.

[Malvolio]

Do they have robotic a D12?

[Grog]

Do you have to.

[Murdy]

I'm sorry. Roll a D12, please.

[Caleb]

Roll a one.

[Grog]

Roll a one.

[Jester]

Why?

[Murdy]

Because I learned how to play D&D four years ago.

[Jester]

18. No, 16.

[Murdy]

It does not hit.

[Malvolio]

See, when. When a dick is too big. It's just useless.

[Jester]

It's useless.

[Malvolio]

Trust me. You need it to be a little small.

[Kingsley]

Cinderella.

[Jester]

Why do you keep referring to yourself, Beth?

[Veth]

I'm just saying.

[Jester]

Do you have a big.

[Malvolio]

In a sense.

[Jester]

Oh, yeah.

[Grog]

Jester.

[Murdy]

What?

[Grog]

Please make an acrobatics check to get to Fern.

[Jester]

Fine.

[Grog]

Without getting hurt.

[Jester]

Acrobatics, that is 12.

[Grog]

You start leaping up the side of this mountain covered in terrifying pieces of dangerous.

[Jester]

I don't have to get super close. I just have to get within 30ft.

[Murdy]

Right.

[Grog]

Which you do. But along the way, you do sustain 11 points of slashing damage.

[Fearne]

Ah, spinballs.

[Jester]

All right, fine. But I'm still going to cast mass cure wounds. AM I within 30ft of. Who all am I close to? If I can get within 30ft of Fearne, can I be within 30ft of anybody else?

[Grog]

Here's what I'll say. Beau, roll a D20.

[Veth]

Why me? This feels like a lot of pressure. What if I fuck this up?

[Kingsley]

That's your fault.

[Veth]

Then shut up.

[Grog]

Oh my.

[Veth]

I knew this would happen. It's a two. It's a two.

[Grog]

Nobody on this side is close enough to heal.

[Jester]

Okay.

[Beauregard]

This side, however.

[Grog]

Frog, could you roll a D20 for me?

[Beauregard]

Yeah, no problem. Watch this. 8.

[Grog]

Fearne is the only person within range.

[Fearne]

Okay. It's okay.

[Jester]

I will totally use this huge spell just for you.

[Fearne]

Can you just use like a smaller. Like a cure wound situation?

[Jester]

No, because I have to talk. Oh, wait. Masculine wounds is within 60ft.

[Grog]

I'll allow it.

[Jester]

Yeah, okay.

[Grog]

In that case, the benefits of reading your spell.

[Jester]

Sorry.

[Grog]

No, it's all good.

[Jester]

Okay, okay. Oh, wait. Well, wait, hold on. Cuz that might have.

[Grog]

We for the negotiation phase.

[Jester]

Listen, it's a 30 foot radius sphere, so I think that still counts. It's 30ft on either side of me.

[Grog]

If you're the center of the sphere.

[Jester]

If I'm the center of the sphere. But if I. Yeah, wait, but that's just 30.

[Grog]

Do you want to heal from Fern in yourself?

[Murdy]

Yeah.

[Fearne]

Fine.

[Grog]

Okay.

[Jester]

All right, cool. Yeah, I will do that, Fearne. I want to heal you. Heal you. Not kill you. I'm casting. I'm casting this at the fifth level, though.

[Grog]

For how much?

[Jester]

That's 3D8.

[Fearne]

Great.

[Jester]

Come on, traveler. You motherfucker.

[Grog]

Don't worry, I'm always watching.

[Jester]

19 plus 5.

[Grog]

24 to both of you. All right, that finishes Jester's go as you come to consciousness. And Jester pulls you free from some of the nearby mechanical twisting blades. And you're conscious once more. Fearne, Grog, you're up. Kingsley, you're on deck.

[Fearne]

You're welcome.

[Grog]

Actually, do you want to do anything at the end of their turn or are you good?

[Murdy]

Good. I can't with the attack. No, I'm good.

[Beauregard]

You're good?

[Jester]

Yeah.

[Murdy]

I got to save it.

[Grog]

Okay. Grog, you're up.

[Beauregard]

With my bonus action, I smash my Titan Stone Knuckles together.

[Veth]

Let's go.

[Beauregard]

That's right. I'm tired of around reckless. Great weapon master.

[Murdy]

Natural tw.

[Fearne]

Yes.

[Grog]

Brutal.

[Beauregard]

Critical.

[Veth]

Come on.

[Kingsley]

So rough.

[Fearne]

Damn.

[Beauregard]

That's 29 points of damage.

[Fearne]

Oh yes.

[Beauregard]

For 27. 27 points a down. Minus 5. 20. 22 to hit.

[Murdy]

How could you?

[Grog]

Oh, that hits.

[Beauregard]

Okay. 22 to hit. 5, 4. 10. 1d 6 to chronic. 16 points of slashing damage. Not as much Last one.

[Veth]

Come on, Groggy.

[Beauregard]

No crit. It's all right. 15, 25 minus 5 is 20 to hit.

[Grog]

20 just hits.

[Beauregard]

Just hits.

[Grog]

It would have been higher, but that camera that was shattered earlier res reduced his Ac.

[Beauregard]

15, 25. 28 points of slashing damage.

[Murdy]

No, you never do such a thing to me. I pull the damaged Fern right in front of me. Yeah, I'm in it to win it. My reaction manifest con contestant, you're gonna take all of that damage.

[Fearne]

I'm out. Again, it's 25 hit points. I'm out.

[Grog]

Grog, as you strike down true, you heal the familiar of your axe sinking into flesh and bone.

[Beauregard]

Oh, this has happened once before.

[Grog]

Oh, no.

[Beauregard]

Why is this kid happening to me?

[Fearne]

I have a vague memory of this.

[Grog]

Oh, no. Oh, no. As Fern falls unconscious at the edge of your axe. All right, Grog, that's the end of your turn.

[Jester]

Does he still take some damage? Does he still take some damage?

[Grog]

He still took some damage.

[Jester]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay.

[Grog]

Kingsley, you're up.

[Kingsley]

I as this is all going, going down. Since I definitely have seen this trick before, I have already made my rounds just so I can get right behind you. And I'm just gonna slash to try and remove that dumb bolo off your bloody neck. I'm cutting in from behind.

[Grog]

Okay, go ahead and make an attack roll. It is a plus 5 to his AC to hit it because of how direct the called shot is. Okay.

[Kingsley]

Going. Oh, that's nice, that is.

[Grog]

You have to hit a 25, 29. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage.

[Kingsley]

And that's 2d6, 2d8, 2d10. Yeah, I'm going to do that again. There we are. I love that I can do that. It's so amazing. 6, 10, 15. That's 15. That's 24 points of damage.

[Grog]

With a rapid pointed flick of the wrist and a stab, the bolo snaps and the gem gets impacted by the blade. And it resists the impact like it's a fixed point in space. But you push through. And as it pulls, you see tethers of shadow yank and stretch until it fires off like it was shot out of a slingshot. And as it does, you hear a voice. Go. Smoke fills the space around Malvolio and around your vision until suddenly silence fills the space. As the smoke fades and pulls away. You see there, lying on the ground.

[Jester]

What?

[Murdy]

Please.

[Malvolio]

Oh, please.

[Murdy]

I don't know what I was doing. I'm just from a small little town outside of Bairodin. It's a little place Called Hebron. Yeah, you might know it if you're from the mystical land of Illinois. We got a great big water tower there that's painted like a goatball. It's because we won the 803 high school goatball championship, and we just can't let it go. You locals know what I'm talking about, right? You locals know what I'm talking about, right? Oh, that feels good. And I was just walking along one day with my sweet old trusted dog, who's. Who's gone now. And I found Jewel in the middle of the road. And I scooped it up and I said, well, hey, that'd be real purty if my ma or PA turned it into a bolo tie for me when they just fashioned it right up and draped it around my neck. And the next thing I knew, I was thirsty for blood and vengeance. I fucking hated heroes. And I heard about y' all. Heard about Vox Machina.

[Grog]

Heard.

[Murdy]

Heard about Mighty Nein. Heard about Bell Sales. I was like, fuck them guys. Am I right? Anyway, I didn't want to do none of this.

[Grog]

Y' all.

[Murdy]

Do you think maybe you just let a sweet old By Rhodin boy get off the hook this one time?

[Jester]

Is he crossing his toes now?

[Fearne]

He's twitching.

[Murdy]

What do y' all think? I'll leave it up to you.

[Malvolio]

Well, I. I feel like. I feel like we should not leave it up to us, but we should leave it up to our friends.

[Murdy]

Oh, maybe. I love the way you think, mister. And, you know, we say something from where I'm from, we say smiley day to you. Thanks so much. I think you're right.

[Malvolio]

Perhaps, though, as you had us do, you could. Could demonstrate how much you want this by dancing.

[Murdy]

Oh, you son of a bitch.

[Jester]

Yeah.

[Murdy]

Yeah. I suppose I'll dance for my supper. Really?

[Jester]

Oh, God.

[Grog]

Is it playing?

[Jester]

Is it?

[Murdy]

No, I don't hear no music.

[Jester]

You don't hear anything in our ears.

[Murdy]

Does anybody hear in our ears?

[Veth]

This feels like a defense mechanism. Yeah, there you go.

[Jester]

That feels right.

[Fearne]

There you go.

[Murdy]

Hey, y' all. Did you have a good time tonight? Why don't you give it up one time for red team? Why don't you give it up one time for blue team?

[Malvolio]

Why don't you give it up one.

[Murdy]

Time for motherfucking critical role? Tricked y' all up out of here. Oh, shit.

[Kingsley]

Did he probably get away.

[Grog]

He's going to go ahead and use his second legendary resistance to resist the spell. And you watch as the figure that became and was no longer malvolio Contreras, as you knew him, vanish into the dark ether of night.

[Veth]

What?

[Caleb]

Oh, I wonder if we will see him again someday.

[Fearne]

Probably.

[Jester]

What just happened?

[Malvolio]

We can hear him, but they can't hear him.

[Jester]

They can't hear him.

[Veth]

They hear him.

[Jester]

It was just in our ears. Did you hear him?

[Fearne]

Okay.

[Veth]

Why? Did you hear him?

[Murdy]

Yeah, they turned the mic. Turn on his mic.

[Caleb]

He is calling us fools. He's using a lot of swear words.

[Kingsley]

He's laughing a lot.

[Fearne]

It's really fell for it.

[Kingsley]

Is he just backstage, maybe?

[Malvolio]

Come out on.

[Veth]

Get him, you.

[Murdy]

I'm done. I made my dramatic action. What I said was they fell for it. The beautiful, beautiful fools. Let me hear it one last time. That sweet energy that fills me up now. Let me hear the applause. Live, laugh and die another day as.

[Grog]

The magic fades from this pocket realm collapsing upon itself. What enchantments kept you hear begin to come unbound one by one. You begin to draw back into the ether and are returned to where you were plucked on exandria. First to join your friends with the strangest story to tell.

[Jester]

If time allows us, wake up before we go.

[Caleb]

Keep it tight.

[Grog]

But somewhere out there, a dark, pouty spirit still holds a bit of malice in his heart. Runs barefoot and runs barefoot. But that's another story. And that will conclude our game for today.

[Jester]

Hey, what happened?

[Fearne]

Oh, man.

[Grog]

Thank you all so much for coming with us on this very weird, wild ride. This deeply experimental.

[Jester]

Get him out here.

[Grog]

Bring. Get Robbie the out here. How it.

[Caleb]

Little devil back out here.

[Beauregard]

Get Robbie back out.

[Grog]

Get that. Get that twitch tos breaking, boy.

[Fearne]

Oh, man.

[Jester]

Give him that hat. He needs that hat.

[Grog]

Come on up. Get up here.

[Beauregard]

Send us out.

[Kingsley]

Matt, your crown, sir.

[Grog]

Everyone, thank you so much for joining us for this wonderful evening. We love you very much and. Is it Thursday? Good night.

[Veth]

Hang on. Wait. Let's.

[Jester]

This is.

[Malvolio]

Oh, second.

[Jester]

A double. A double.

[Beauregard]

Chicago, we love you.

[Caleb]

Thanks for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this tale. If you did, consider leaving a review on your podcast platform of choice. We're always looking for new critters to share our stories with, and your review may help a new batch of wayward adventurers discover the show. See you next time.