Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Reporter (4:36)

I'm here on the job site with Dale, who's a framing contractor. Hey, good morning. Dale traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for all his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (4:46)

Yep, they sure are.

Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Reporter (4:47)

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Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (4:56)

It's all right.

Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Reporter (4:56)

We're so far up here.

Dr. Samantha Amin (4:58)

Look at me.

Geico Commercial Auto Insurance Reporter (4:58)

Take a deep breath. I'm good. So good.

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Dr. Samantha Amin (5:14)

Happiness is a Universal pursuit. But a lot of us might find it elusive at different points in our lives. Is happiness found in the little things, like a good book and a cozy cup of tea, or is it rooted in our friendships and accomplishments? If someone told you there was a formula for happiness, would you give it a shot? I sure would. Understanding the science behind what truly makes us happy can transform our lives. To find some answers and hopefully more joy, we're chatting with the happiness expert herself, Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky, a psychologist and professor at the University of California, Riverside. Her groundbreaking research in positive psychology has reshaped our understanding of happiness. She's here to help us unlock our potential for happiness and fulfillment. Welcome to the show, Sonia.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (5:57)

It's such a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

Dr. Samantha Amin (6:00)

I am very happy to have you here with me. One thing about me is I love a quiz, and you have a bunch on your website that help people assess their happiness levels. I took one of those quizzes and I got like a 6.7. I think it was out of seven.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (6:18)

Yeah. So that's great. That's very high.

Dr. Samantha Amin (6:20)

Is that good?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (6:21)

Yeah.

Dr. Samantha Amin (6:21)

Okay.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (6:22)

Did you get a percentile that sounds like it's like the 99th percentile.

Dr. Samantha Amin (6:26)

I gotta check. What, the exact percent. Okay. I didn't realize it was that high. Okay.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (6:30)

Yeah. Great. Congratulations.

Dr. Samantha Amin (6:32)

Okay, that's good. I'm glad to hear I'm doing well so far. The quiz results are fun, but they're also used as part of your research. So I'm curious what the most surprising insight that you found from these quizzes would be.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (6:45)

Well, lots of surprises and maybe some things that are not surprising but almost kind of obvious. Like, I mean, the biggest thing is that the key to happiness, sort of when you look at your answer to your quiz, the key to happiness seems to be. It sounds like a cliche, but it seems to be feeling connected and feeling loved. And this is. I've concluded this after many years of research. And again, it sounds like a cliche, but a lot of powerful ideas. Once you distill them into one word or one phrase, they sound kind of trite. But I've been doing happiness interventions for most of my career for, I think, for, like, 28 years. And happiness interventions are like clinical trials, but instead of testing a vaccine or medication, we test a happiness practice. Like, does expressing gratitude make you happy? Or what ways does doing acts of kindness make you happier? And it hit me a few years ago that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, the reason they work is they make us feel more connected to and more loved by others. And so that's why we wrote this book called how to Feel Loved is sort of about. It's about how to increase love and connection.

Dr. Samantha Amin (7:53)

Do you want to tell us about the other quizzes people can find and where they can find them? Because I know people want to join them.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (7:57)

Yeah, yeah. Well, the easiest way is to go to my book website, which is how to Feel Loved. Well, actually my own website is sonjalubomirsky.com, but people have trouble spelling my name. But you can just. Actually, if you Google Sonja with a J and happiness, you'll be able to find me. And then I have a couple of quizzes, but the book howtofeellove.com has a mindset quiz. And so what it is is that we, my co author, Harry Reese and I, after seven years of work, we basically sort of discovered that if you want to feel loved or if you want to make someone else in your life feel more loved, the key is to embrace five different mindsets. Like, for example, one of them is we call the radical curiosity mindset. When you show actual, genuine, authentic curiosity in the other person. Like, it's so compelling, right. It's so powerful. It doesn't actually happen very often.

Dr. Samantha Amin (8:45)

Right.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (8:45)

That someone is really curious about you. And so that makes the person really feel seen and heard and loved. And so this mindset quiz, basically, so this is just five questions, it asks you to think about a relationship in your life in which maybe you want to feel more loved in. And then it's going to basically tell you sort of what mindsets are your strongest and what mindsets are your sort of most in need of improvement. So, you know, maybe curiosity is something that comes easily to you and you show it off and maybe it doesn't. So that's just one example of out

Dr. Samantha Amin (9:16)

of five that's so interesting. I really feel that one, because for whatever reason, nothing frustrates me more than when I'm misunderstood and, and when, when I feel like people aren't, you know, engaged in it, I get so frustrated so quickly and, you know, maybe that's something I should work on, but it really is something important to me.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (9:35)

Yeah. So, no, no, so it's important to everyone. It interesting because I, I'll, I'll. I've talked to people who say things like, you know, I know my wife loves me, but she doesn't understand me. Right. So, like, being understood is, is rare, I think, than, than. Than being loved. And so I think Yeah, I think again, feeling seen and heard and understood is. Is just such a basic human need. So I think that's very. That's. Yeah, it's very human.

Dr. Samantha Amin (9:58)

Effy. Wow. Very validating. I think most people, as I just did, have this personal understanding of happiness and, and what it means to them or what it feels like. But as an exper. Researcher, what is happiness? How do you define it?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (10:14)

Sure. Well, I define happiness the way that researchers define happiness is that happiness really has two components. And I think about it as being happy in your life and being happy with your life. So being happy in your life are basically moments. What are moments during your day look like? Are you experiencing positive emotions? Are you experiencing joy? Sometimes. Sometimes calm, curiosity, interest, pride, enthusiasm. Right. So these are all like positive emotions. And people are happy experience fairly frequently these positive, different kinds of positive emotions. Of course they experience negative emotions too, but just sort of not as chronically or as intensely as others. So that's being happy in your life. The other component is being happy with your life. And that is basically having a sense that your life is good, that you're satisfied with your life. You're sort of satisfied with the way you're progressing towards your life goals. And you really need both of those components to be a truly happy person.

Dr. Samantha Amin (11:09)

And is this really different across cultures or are we generally kind of looking for the same thing in the same way?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (11:16)

I hate to use the word universal because it just sounds too strong, but I think that definitely universal is like we all want to feel loved and known, but there are definitely cultural differences and individual differences. We actually have a chapter in our book about like, how does this play out with different kinds of people or cultures? So for example, in some cultures, yeah, there's a lot more self disclosure, a lot more kind of instant sharing. Actually, I was talking to, I was being interviewed actually by someone who was saying that his wife is from Egypt and she's not and she sort of doesn't share as much as he does. And in fact, she'll sometimes kind of reprimand him because like at a dinner party he will kind of share something very vulnerable about like one of their kids. And she's like, what are you doing? And so absolutely there are these sort of cultural differences. There are cultural differences in like how much people talk and listen and are attuned to one another. And there's certainly individual differences, people's different personalities, introverts and extroverts are going to be a little different. But I think we all, again, we all crave to be seen and heard. So we're just going to be like it's going to look a little bit different with everyone. But the main kind of need is there.

Dr. Samantha Amin (12:17)

Are there big misconceptions that you find people have about happiness and do those misunderstandings about how this all works impact our well being and our sense of happiness?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (12:28)

Yeah, absolutely. So. Well, again, this idea that the key to happiness is feeling loved. Loved. How do I feel more loved? How do I feel more connected to others? We often go about it the wrong way, I guess I would say is that if I don't feel connected or loved enough, I think, well, I need to make myself somehow more lovable. I need to impress the other person. So I'm taught like we're meeting for the first time and usually when you meet someone for the first time, you want to impress them. Right. I want you to think that I'm smart and interesting and funny and kind and virtuous and yeah, thank you. And you want to do the same and that that's human and it's very natural or on a first date. Of course this happens all the time. And I might succeed in impressing you. I might even succeed and you might actually might come to admire me. But I'm. But that doesn't necessarily feel. Lead to feel. That doesn't necessarily lead to feeling loved. Right. So feeling loved is really more about like I guess puncturing that wall. Right. Or the fourth wall. Because if you don't really know me, if I'm only showing you these sort of positive parts of myself, I'll understood and loved. Because I'll always wonder like if, if you really knew who I am behind those walls, like maybe you wouldn't love me so much. Maybe you wouldn't really understand me, you know, and so, and so that's one of the misconceptions. And that's not really what gets us to feel loved.

Dr. Samantha Amin (13:46)

Do you see that? That search for happiness looks different online versus in person.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (13:50)

Yeah. Research shows that we don't ask each other enough kind of questions or enough deep questions. We think the other person will think we're nosy. Right. Or we're getting too personal. But actually on average we want to be asked those questions because remember, we want. But there's an art to that. Right? You don't just jump right into the most personal question. You kind of start small, gauge the person's answer. So in person. But on the other hand, at least you see all those cues in person. Online we're missing all those cues and like, some weird things happen online. So, for example, a lot of people kind of overshare online or they kind of feel. Yeah. Like it's easier somehow to share because they're. Yeah. Like they're in this vacuum. They're talking to a vacuum. Kind of like there's not a person right in front of them. Right. To gauge you're not gauging. I mean, of course you can see people's comments, but. So I think it creates kind of some weird interactions. But people claim not to sort of feel as connected right. Online. And of course, people are sharing the positive things. I mean, we know this. Like, you're only sharing your best selfies and your vacation photos or when you're. And so lots of research is now showing. Right. That people, when they go online, that they're. When they're looking at social media, they feel worse about themselves because they're like, oh, everyone else seems happy except for me. One of the most kind of heartbreaking findings came out from, like, a year or two ago, and it was a college freshman. So these are. Yeah. So they're right in the first semester of college. And, like, most college freshmen thought that everyone else was adjusting better to college than they were because they were seeing these, like, videos and photos of, like, here's me, like, at a party, or here's me hanging out with my roommate. And it just seemed like everyone else was better off than they were. But actually they weren't. It was just. It was an illusion.

Dr. Samantha Amin (15:26)

Now, I've heard you say a lot of things about happiness. One thing I haven't heard is, like, external achievements and the things that we're often raised to think might be associated with happiness. These very traditional. Meet this goal, you'll be happy. If I achieve this, I'll be happy. Is that a load of bunk? Is it true?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (15:46)

Well, it's both. So, of course, first of all, following meaningful, significant life goals is definitely associated with happiness. Having something to look around the corner, something meaningful in your life that you're sort of taking steps to accomplish is associated with happiness. But it's really the. I mean, this sounds like a cliche again, but it's really the journey that matters more than the achievement of it. Because once you achieve it, people tend to sort of be happy for a little bit, and then they want to achieve the next goal, which is normal. And again, human and evolutionarily adaptive. Humans probably wouldn't make progress if we just kind of achieved a goal. And then we'd stop. We'd be like, okay, we're done. We're like on top of a mountain. So I think that's important to know. But then there's certain kinds of goals that seem to be more happiness producing than others. So there are goals that are called extrinsic goals. And these are things just for money, fame, beauty, power, status. Right. So now though, it's not necessarily bad to have those things. And people are, a lot of people are happy having those things, but when you're pursuing those, like to the exclusion of sort of other more meaningful goals, then people tend to not to be happy because then you get a little bit more money, you become a little bit more attractive or powerful, and then you sort of get used to that level and then you want more. That's called the hedonic treadmill. And researchers contrast those kinds of, of extrinsic goals with what are called intrinsic goals, which are like, about connection, connecting to our friends and family and romantic partners and children. That connection is one contribution. Is the other somehow helping others, contributing to your neighborhood, the society at large? Helping makes people happy. And then the third bucket of intrinsic goals is anything to do with personal growth. So that could be like learning something, like learning a new language, learning how to garden, to cook, traveling. And so those tend to be associated with happiness more than those extrinsic goals that are really more about sort of like status, popularity, power, beauty, fame, money.

Dr. Samantha Amin (17:47)

That makes sense. In your first book, the how of Happiness, you talk about different strategies for increasing happiness, like these intentional activities that people can do. Can you, while we're on this thread, give us a taste of some examples, things that people can do to increase their happiness?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (18:04)

Absolutely. Well, in the how, I mean, there's tons of interventions that my lab and I have done where we again, we test different strategies and the how happiness was about, which by the way, is still a book that sells quite a bit, you know, because it has, it talks about 12 different types of strategies that people can use to become happier and what is the research behind them and how to do them. So one, for example, is gratitude, you know, another doing acts of kindness. Another is following goals. Another is like meditation or exercise, you know, another is like religion, spirituality. Another one is of course, relationships. All of them. Again, I had this insight that almost all of them have to do with connection, because when you express gratitude, you tend to feel more connected to like your mom or your best friend. When you do an act of kindness for others, you tend to feel more connected to them or closer to them. And so, yeah, so we've done Lots of studies where we'll ask people like to write gratitude letters. So pick someone in your life and write a gratuit letter to them or write them a text. And you know, it seems so again, it seems kind of trite and yet we don't do it often enough, you know. And if you've ever gotten like a text from someone who just says out of the blue, right, like hey, I'm just so grateful you're in my life, isn't that amazing, you know?

Dr. Samantha Amin (19:08)

Yeah, yeah. Truly.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (19:10)

Yeah. And it's an act of kindness too.

Dr. Samantha Amin (19:13)

And you've talked about the journey. Is there some amount of adversity or friction in trying to achieve these things that helps? Gives a bit more of a payoff. Just thinking motivationally that might be helpful. Do we understand that?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (19:27)

Yeah, well, first of all, adversity and friction are not avoidable, right. So everyone's going to have that. One way to think about it is sort of contrast, right? Like if you're always happy, you're not going to. Yeah, you're not going to understand like you appreciate sort of the good things, you know, when you've also experienced some of the bad things, some of the friction. But also there is actually research that shows that some amount of adversity, not too much actually people are more kind of more mature and happier when they've had some amount of sort of like the optimal amount, like a dosage, the optimal dose of adversity maybe because you've sort of learned to be resilient through that. And we think about that with our kids like if our kids ever have something hard in their life. I actually think my kids are pretty privileged and to have some friction is good for them. It's good to sort of learn coping strategies and learn some resilience. Not that I'm going to throw challenge on them just for that reason. So yeah, some amount of adversity research has shown is actually better than none. Although I don't know how many people actually have none.

Dr. Samantha Amin (20:29)

Now, how much of this is really under our control? Can we really change things for ourselves that much? How much can we influence our own well being?

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (20:39)

Well, I'll answer that question sort of two different ways. So one is when you look about happiness in general, clearly some of our happiness is associated with is influenced by our genetics or influenced by our life circumstances. Some of them are beyond our control. So maybe you're a young woman and that's just what you are. You can't change that where you live or how rich or poor you are. Sometimes that's hard to change. And genetics, they are what they are. Some people, if you have a lot of friends, family members, you know that people just naturally differ in their happiness levels. But on the other hand, there's a huge part of happiness that. That is under our control through our intentional behaviors and ways we think, ways we act in the world. And that's what we were just talking about. Those practices, like following important goals, meditating, expressing gratitude, doing acts of kindness for others, is absolutely under our control. So that's a big part of our happiness. And then we think about feeling more loved again, the key to happiness, really feeling more connected and loved. It's absolutely in our control, although it doesn't seem like it. Right. Because, like, let's say you don't feel as loved as you want to be by your romantic. We've learned that 40% have told us that they don't feel as loved as they'd like to be by their romantic partners. 40% is a high number, 70% by some person in their life. So let's say you don't feel as loved as you want to be by your romantic partner. You feel like, oh, well, I need to make myself more lovable. I need to somehow change them. But the conclusion that we came to, that my co author and I came to, is that you don't really need to change yourself. You don't really need to change the other person. What you need to do is to change the conversation. Like change the conversation that you're having with the other person by making them feel. Try to make them feel more loved. Showing curiosity in them, sharing with them, listening to them, showing acceptance, showing warmth towards them. So those are all absolutely under our control, although they're not necessarily easy to do.

Dr. Samantha Amin (22:34)

Absolutely. Last quick question. It's a little personal, if you don't mind. I'm curious if doing this kind of research puts more pressure on you when it comes to pursuing your own happiness. Sometimes when you see inside how the sausage gets made, it's a bit too much.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (22:47)

Right, right. That's a great question. I mean, well, there's a couple sides to it. One is, I mean, I guess sometimes I feel like a little bit of more pressure to sort of be happy or be a happy person. Although I am. I'm generally a fairly happy person anyway. So it's not like I. Yeah. Like, I think if I. Some people study this because they're unhappy and so they want to learn how to be happier. But I know, I think with age, as I've gotten older. Like, it just, it's like, not a big deal. I'm like, I don't need to, you know, I don't care. You care less about what other people think.

Dr. Samantha Amin (23:16)

Yeah, it's great. It's the best of aging.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (23:19)

Exactly. That's some really great things about aging. But the. Yeah, but I think, no, no, it's a bit. Almost entirely positive for my happiness because I kind of know what to do. Just like doctors don't necessarily always do the healthy thing. Right. I don't necessarily do all the things that I'm supposed to do, but. But I know it pretty well. And so, for example, having conversations with people has been shown to me to be like a huge happiness booster. Just like conversation with anyone, like, call someone on the phone, talk to the barista at the coffee shop, anyone. And so I know that. And so I will, I think, do those things more often because it's like, really top of mind for me.

Dr. Samantha Amin (23:54)

That's amazing. This has been so illuminating, so helpful. Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky is the author of the how of Happiness and her most recent book, how to Feel Loved. You can find out about that most Recent1@howtofeelloved.com thank you so much for being on our show, Sonia.

Dr. Sonia Lyubomirsky (24:10)

Thank you.

Dr. Samantha Amin (24:16)

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Dr. Samantha Amin (25:18)

Curling is one of those sports that might not seem too complex at first glance, but there's a whole lot of science behind those heavy stones gliding down the pebbled ice. Now, to get those curling stones landing in the right position or knocking their opponent's stone out of the button, that's the circle at the center of the target. The teams need to master the physics of stone and ice. When a curler releases the stone, they give it a calculated push and slight spin, sending it gliding along the ice. Curling gets its name because of the slightly curved or curled path that the stone moves along the ice. Players can influence that path once the stone has been released, strategically making their stone move around other stones in the game or head to the target. One big mystery in curling is why the stone's path curls as they move. When a player spins a stone clockwise, it curls to the right, which seems strange compared to how other spinning objects behave. Imagine, for example, a bartender sliding a drink down the bar. Everyday spinning objects like that cup or even a spinning ball on the floor. If they're spun clockwise to the right, their path will actually curve to the left. But curling stones behave differently. The cause of that slow curling path has surprisingly, been quite the scientific mystery. Many spinning things, like that cup sliding on a table, curve the opposite way from their spin because the backside drags more against the surface, twisting them away from the spin direction. But curling stones do the reverse. One theory is that pressure causes the ice to melt a bit under the stone's front edge, making the front slide easier, while the back digs in harder. Also, as the spinning stone slides on the pebbled ice, the microscopic roughness on the front and back edges creates small scratches in the ice at slightly different angles. As the trailing edge crosses those angled scratches, it generates a tiny sideways guiding force, building up into a gradual curl. And then there's the part we can see players aggressively sweeping the ice around the stone as it moves. They're doing this to reduce or modulate the curl. Sweeping the ice reduces friction, which also helps the stone travel farther and straighter with less curl. Sweeping does this by briefly warming the ice and smoothening the very top layer of those ice pebbles, reducing friction so the stone travels further and reducing the amount of curl. Those are a few subtle factors influencing a stone's path. Then, of course, there are the much more cataclysmic sights on the ice. Curlers may direct their stone to knock away an opponent's or to even nudge their own into the house. That is the target that looks like a bullseye painted on the ice. Curling speak. The stones collide into one another like billiards on ice. And that's some good old fashioned momentum transfer. Lots of physics all around. Watching curling in the Olympics is pretty exciting because it's all about science and strategy. While theories like scratch guiding and friction explain some of the observations. No single model fully works with all the experiments so far. So as you watch those stones glide, just remember there's a lot going on behind the scenes that makes curling a lot more complex than it looks for Warner Bros. Discovery Curiosity Weekly is produced by the team at Wheelhouse DNA. The senior producer and editorial correspondent is Teresa Carey. Our producer is Chiara Noni. Our audio engineer is is Nick K. Me. And head of Production for Wheelhouse DNA is Cassie Berman. And I'm Dr. Samantha Yuin. Thanks for listening.

ActiveCampaign/LifeLock Advertiser (29:05)

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