Tom Brady needs help.

Summary

Dan Bernstein Unfiltered: "Tom Brady Needs Help."

Podcast: Dan Bernstein Unfiltered
Date: September 18, 2025
Host: Dan Bernstein (B), with Matt Abbatacola (A)

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Episode Overview

This episode veers away (for a bit) from Chicago Bears-related angst to examine the media storm and controversy surrounding Tom Brady’s role as an NFL broadcaster — specifically: Should Tom Brady have access to teams’ “secret” information in production meetings, when he’s both Fox’s high-priced lead analyst and a part-owner of the Raiders? Dan Bernstein and Matt Abbatacola use their trademark blend of sarcasm, pop culture asides, and football analysis to argue that the real issue isn’t "spying" — it’s that Brady simply needs the information to be a better analyst, because right now, he’s not very good.

Other topics include the role of insider information in making color commentary useful, Fox’s investment in Brady, Cubs playoff hopes, and the nature of sports broadcasting — all laced with zany digressions like “Comedy Prison,” Sandra Lee’s “Semi-Homemade,” and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

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Main Themes & Key Insights

1. Tom Brady’s Broadcast Access: Is There a Real Conflict?

• Timestamp: 03:02
  Bernstein pivots the conversation: “Tom Brady needs to have these meetings with coaches, and here's why. This isn't about conflict of interest ... I'm a little bad footballed out. Is that okay?”

• The media and some fans are worried that Brady, now with Raiders ownership ties, might use inside info gleaned from broadcast prep to help his team.

  Bernstein’s take: The Bears are so bad there are no secrets worth stealing, and the conflict is overblown.

  “First of all, the Bears suck out loud, so who gives a shit, right?” (04:52, B)

• Matt jokes that if Brady’s looking for insider secrets in Chicago, there’s nothing useful to find.

  “If Tom Brady was there to get information and he went back to the Raiders, like, his notebook would be empty.” (05:14, A)

2. Why Those Production Meetings Matter—for the Audience

• Timestamp: 10:10
  Bernstein explains why behind-the-scenes coach meetings are crucial for a good broadcast: they provide color commentators with context and off-the-record opinions they can then translate (without naming sources) during the game.

  “So much of a really good broadcast is informed by off the record, on background stuff that coaches are giving them. They can't say it comes from coaches, but it does.” (10:55, B)

• Without these information exchanges, viewers are robbed of the nuance a great analyst should provide. Brady, already lacking as a broadcaster, will be worse off if coaches clam up.

3. The Ben Johnson Coach "Jokes" — But the Joke’s on Us

• Timestamp: 06:20-07:00
  The pod spends a segment making fun of Lions coach Ben Johnson giving “coach-speak” non-answers when asked about Brady’s pre-game production meeting (“working the room,” “killing it,” etc.).

• Bernstein says the performative swearing-off giving Brady info actually harms the product:

  “When the coaches are going out of their way to joke about how they won't tell Tom Brady anything. He's already bad at broadcasting. This is gonna make him worse at broadcasting. He needs the help because he's not that good.” (13:11, B)

• The “Comedy Prison” riff (starting at 01:13 and recurring throughout) lampoons this media environment where jokes and non-answers replace substance.

4. Blunt Critique of Tom Brady as a Broadcaster

• The hosts repeatedly say Brady’s not up to the job, citing Fox’s bizarre need to air promos reassuring viewers that “he knows football.”

  “That’s millions of dollars worth of promo time to say, hey, this Tom Brady, who’s maybe the best quarterback of all time. You know what? He knows football. They’re doing that because nobody thinks he really knows anything about football.” (14:22, B)

• Abbatacola:

  “It's not very good, at all, any of the broadcasts he does… there are so many guys that are so much better than he is.” (14:28, A)

• They also compare him to Alex Rodriguez — famous ex-athlete, not great broadcaster — and call Brady “football A-Rod” (21:09, B).

5. What the Audience Really Wants: Insight, Not Celebrity

• Both hosts reminisce about classic broadcasts, praising analysts like Greg Olsen, Chris Fowler, Dan Orlovsky, and Lewis Riddick for providing real teaching moments and insight.

• Abbatacola:

  “What I want is the things that I see on my TV... I want him to explain what I'm seeing in a way that I can't see it. And Tom Brady does not have that ability.” (20:23, A)

• Bernstein:

  “Why create a situation where he has less information than a replacement level broadcaster? Because we know that to be a fact. He has less information than a replacement level broadcaster.” (21:48, B)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Joke of Bears Secrets (05:32, B):
  “They're walking in the back of the room, throwing pies at each other... We can't let him know our secrets. We're 0-2. We've given up more points than any team in the league.”

• On Coach Meetings and the Broadcast (12:45, B):
  “This whole thing is about Tom Brady needing all that information. And it's also about learning about what the coach is think[ing].”

• On Analyst-Coach Symbiosis (17:38, B):
  “It's a big deal to me as a viewer ... I want good analysis and I want insight into what the coach is thinking about certain players.”

• Comparing Tom Brady to A-Rod (21:09, B):
  “He’s football A-Rod... he's in the booth, he didn't really prepare, he doesn't really know anything. He's just kind of handsome and famous and powerful and conflicted and he's there because he's there.”

• On Retro Booths and Info (23:23, A):
  “I bet you more information than what Tom Brady shares though. I would bet.”

• On The Real Issue (20:57, B):
  “He needs the help because he's not that good. And when the coaches are like, I'm not telling this guy anything... it's not gonna be an interesting broadcast. There's gonna be no insight.”

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Other Segments of Note (Timestamps)

• Chicago Cubs Playoff Talk (27:35–34:52)

  • The Cubs have clinched a playoff spot despite adversity (injury to their ace, loss of catcher).
  • Who starts first in the playoffs? “Kate Horton, Imanaga, and then Matthew Boyd. One, two, three.”
  • On Kyle Tucker’s injury and weird rehab: “They’re sending him to a mystical faith healer at the top of a mountain.” (29:12, B)
  • Free agent speculation: “All it takes is one stupid person to give him one stupid contract offer to ruin the whole thing.” (31:57, A)

• Broadcasting Quality: Cubs Radio (36:44)

  • Long praise of the Cubs TV and radio teams, especially JD’s “super dry” humor and “negative space.”

• Yankees–Red Sox Possible Wild Card Matchup (40:17)

  • “That's always fun. I mean, that's always fun.” (40:20, A)

• Bears Playoff Odds & ESPN's FPI (53:06)

  • “The Bears have a 6.3% chance to make the playoffs, according to the FBI. We're still waiting comment from the FBI, though.” (53:55, A)

• “Comedy Prison” Extended Riff (Recurring)

  • “They're building Comedy Prison? ... They're hiring the guards for comedy prisoners. ... You're gonna have to dig your way out with a rock hammer.” (01:37-02:01, B)
  • “You need the best comedy lawyers. They come in with big floppy shoes. My team is on it.” (49:37, B)

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Tone, Style & Closing

• The tone is fast, irreverent, and loaded with sarcasm—equal parts “Chicago guy at the bar” and media insider.
• Pop culture tangents (Sandra Lee’s “Semi-Homemade,” the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, the invention of “Comedy Prison”) serve as comic relief but also as pointed metaphors about the state of modern sports coverage.

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Bottom Line

Dan and Matt argue that the only thing Tom Brady is stealing is the chance for viewers to hear decent football analysis. The obsession over “secrets” and “conflict of interest” is mostly media noise — the real loss is football fans missing out on the game insight a better, better-prepared analyst could provide, especially when coaches play “no comment.” As for Brady, he’s rich, famous, and "football A-Rod" — but it takes more than that to make a great broadcast.

[End of summary]

Transcript

[A]

Dan Bernstein, Unfiltered. Unfiltered on 312 Sports.

[B]

DBU is here on this Thursday. Dan Bernstein, Unfiltered, brought to you in partnership with my bookie. We are here. As you can see, 312Sports. Also. Haha. Look at this. The 312Sports Neoprene can. Cozy bottle.

[A]

Lots of good stuff now.

[B]

Lots of good stuff. Check this out. Check this out. Yeah, yeah. With the skyline and everything.

[A]

Yeah, I love it. No, that's a great logo.

[B]

It is. It is. It's awesome.

[A]

Really cool.

[B]

And my quarter zip is. Is headed my way at some point where this stuff will be hitting the merch store for everybody. Get excited.

[A]

Yeah, no, I am excited. You know, that's the. That's the skyline of Chicago in the 312.

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

I don't know if you knew.

[B]

That's how it works.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know if you knew that.

[B]

All very cool.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. All right. What? I thought you were gonna say something.

[A]

No, you got. You got stuck in your brute.

[B]

No. Cause you're freaking me out with your. You're all dressed up today. I know. Hey, that's Ben Johnson working that room now. Although comedians have to be careful. So now that.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

I can't. Now that Ben Johnson is a comedian, he better be careful. He's going to make jokes about the stuff he says about Coach Speak. Just make sure that the governmental Office of Jokes appro. Of Ben James.

[A]

Well, to confirm he wasn't taken away or fired.

[B]

They're gonna. They're gonna swoop right in.

[A]

Ice will come get him.

[B]

Oh, they'll remand him to Comedy Prison. That I've heard. Have you heard they're building Comedy Prison?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It's ugly. It's huge. Yeah.

[A]

And it's just, it's. I can't. I can't even.

[B]

Ben, watch it. Because when Comedy Prison comes real bad, that's real bad. Real bad for you. Because they're building it and they're.

[A]

Stop making jokes.

[B]

They're hiring the guards for comedy prisoners. They're going to do bad things to you, Crack you over the head. You're going to have to dig your way out with a rock hammer.

[A]

Yeah, he's going to be held captive by Dean Cain. Isn't that. Was that Superman's name?

[B]

Dean Kane and Kevin Sorbo. Kevin.

[A]

Wait. Kevin Sorbo doing it too.

[B]

Oh, no, no. Kevin Sorbo. He's going to be the. He's like the. What's the name? Byron Hadley. Of Comedy Prison.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Scott Baio is Warden Norton. All the celebrities are going to be there. There's going to be big pictures.

[A]

Slow. Your role in. Okay, well, term. I mean.

[B]

Well, you know what I mean. The ones you have.

[A]

Back it up a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, you have. It would be like, you know, the janitor's Kid rock walking around the big old push broom whistling to himself while someone sits there. You know, they go by. There's David Letterman playing the harmonica through his big white beard. Hey, welcome to Comedy Prison. Awesome. Awesome thing. This is going great.

[A]

Yeah, it's going real good. Yeah, I mean, it's good. What. What is this? September? Eight months. Okay, well, sweet.

[B]

Okay, fine. Tom Brady needs to have these meetings with coaches, and here's why. This isn't about conflict of interest and the Bears and the Raiders and secrets. We've talked a lot about the Bears and bad football and all that. I'm a little bad footballed out. Is that okay?

[A]

Yes, just.

[B]

It just. I'm just a little bad footballed out for the moment. Can I take just a little break and address something else? I can. It's Dan Bernstein. Unfiltered. I don't have a filter except on my face.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it looks good.

[A]

You can do whatever you want. And if we're. If we're going to move past the. The nuts and bolts of bad football. I'm good.

[B]

Just for now. For now, just for today.

[A]

We'll get back in the football and forward progress.

[B]

Forward progress can be super footbally today.

[A]

Very footbally.

[B]

As it should be.

[A]

Extra football.

[B]

Someone actually an emailer said this, that when it comes to the Bears, DBU is the psychologist's office. And forward progress is this football chalkboard.

[A]

Yeah, I like it.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Good example. So as your football psychologist today, I'm giving you a break from Bears horror because I want to talk about this whole Tom Brady conflict of interest thing. Okay. I'm looking at it through a different lens, as I often do. That's why I'm here. Because there seems to be a lot of ginned up concern about football secrets. Somehow Tom Brady being allowed access to the building. He's gonna. He's gonna sniff around. He's gonna get to Hallis hall virtually. And somehow, even though it's virtual, even though it's virtual that Tom Brady is magical. Football sense. The tendrils will sneak through the screen and work their way through the air ducts and they're gonna pull away all the football secrets. I heard something there. See? Can't get that by me. And somehow. Wait a second. The Bears magic will be drained away. Their mojo will be. First of all, the Bears suck out loud, so who gives a shit, right?

[A]

Let him find all the secrets he wants.

[B]

Find whatever you want. Figure something out. Take the horrible scouts out of the building. Take all the bad draft picks. Figure it all out. That doesn't bother me. What do you got to lose, right?

[A]

If Tom Brady was there to get information and he went back to the Raiders, like, his notebook would be empty.

[B]

No. It would be full of stuff. Somebody would look at this and go, bad. Bad. No. Bad. No. Yeah. No.

[A]

They would say, tom, what did you find out we could use? Nothing.

[B]

I really, really.

[A]

You're good. We're good.

[B]

They're walking in the back of the room, throwing pies at each other. Like, what are you gonna find out at Alice Hall? These magical things. We can't let him know our secrets. We're 02. We've given up more points than any team in the league.

[A]

Right? Just listen to the coach. I mean, they don't practice hard. They don't do things well without the ball. I mean, like, what do you need?

[B]

That's the place. We gotta get in there and get their secrets. The place where the coach says they don't practice hard. Got it. Get it, Tom. This is a top secret mission here. Get in there and find out how we make them not practice hard. Like, what are we doing? But here's the big problem. He needs the help. It was all funny yesterday. Well, it was like coach funny when Ben Johnson was asked about how he handles the meeting with Tom Brady and how he can avoid giving away their precious box bodily fluids and secrets. You have Tom Brady on the call this week. He's affiliated with the Raiders, obviously. Who you play next week. Are you going to do that pre production meeting? How much you divulge? I've been careful. Everything I've said since the season started, I've been in pure coach speak mode. So me, it's just business as usual. I'm just fine. I like Tom and we have a really good relationship. So. Boy, really working over the room right there. They flipped on that laugh light, huh? My God, I'm telling you, Comedy Prison, they're outside. The shock troops are forming a phalanx outside a stack formation like the proud boys on January 6th. They're going in.

[A]

I mean, if they get him quick, they can get him the same van with Kimmel on the way to Comedy Prison.

[B]

Throw them all in there. Wait, we got Carlos Mencia let him out.

[A]

Let him out. Yeah, he's good.

[B]

It's all jokes anyway, right? Yeah, he's good. Yeah. No, we had Carlos Mencio for other reasons.

[A]

Yeah. And then what was that? The redneck tour? Was that Jeff Foxworthy Redneck comedy tour?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They have them in a van going straight to the White House. Oh, absolutely.

[B]

No, no, no. They're advisors to the management of comedy prison.

[A]

They're performing in the new rose Garden. Oh, the club. The Plaza.

[B]

Rather. Eating chicken fingers.

[A]

Yes. Yep.

[B]

They're getting a chafing dish full of chicken fingers to go sit there and watch the Jeff fo set.

[A]

Wait, who was it? Foxworthy, Larry, the cable guy, Mike White? Or is that a. Is that. Am I making that up?

[B]

It was like Bubba the CHUD face or something.

[A]

All right, let me know. Third episode with CHUD as a reference.

[B]

I don't know what it was, but yeah, they're out there doing bits.

[A]

Hey, Camels and bits.

[B]

Not Kimmels. No, not Kimmel. They put him in the hole.

[A]

Well, maybe he can do that. Maybe he can create his own dog food with Rachael Ray and call it Kimlin Bits.

[B]

Kimmelin bad. What's next on Rachael Ray makes brown food. Every time we turn that on. When Connor and I were hosting together, the Rachael Ray show was on because somebody would leave it on there. And every. There's no sound.

[A]

Somebody would leave it on there.

[B]

Okay, we weren't. But every day, there was never any sound. And she would smile and she'd look down into a pan filled with something brown. Every day. Hi, I'm rich. Today I'm going to make brown food.

[A]

How often did she use, like, prepared food products?

[B]

It wasn't Sandra Lee.

[A]

Oh, my God. Sandra Lee. Yes.

[B]

Today we're going to make a tombstone pizza. Wow, this is visionary. Are you really? Well, that's pretty.

[A]

First, though, I'm gonna pour a glass of. A giant glass of.

[B]

You know what I like when I'm pressed for time? Stouffer's macaroni and cheese. That's a wor gonna do today.

[A]

We're gonna use the microwave today.

[B]

Is that like sous vide? Yes, yes. It's a lot like.

[A]

That's right. It was. It was. Yeah. Sandra Lee. That's great. Yeah.

[B]

That was your girl.

[A]

What was her. I can't remember the name of the show.

[B]

Almost homemade.

[A]

Is that what. Is that what it was?

[B]

I think so. Not quite homemade. I. I'm drunk and I just got.

[A]

Home, followed up by her award winning Show. Almost edible.

[B]

It's. I had a box of wine on the train.

[A]

How was the meal? It was almost edible.

[B]

It's fine.

[A]

Let's see.

[B]

So listen, Tom Brady needs the information. He needs the information. It isn't about what's being given away.

[A]

Semi homemade.

[B]

Semi homemade.

[A]

That's what it was. It's not all the way homemade. It's semi homemade.

[B]

That was an actual show.

[A]

Yes, that's what it was called. Semi homemade. That's right. Oh, Lord almighty.

[B]

I didn't make the batter myself, but these chips ahoys, they can go through a whole bag of these depending on how drunk you are.

[A]

All right, sorry.

[B]

Tom Brady, you're messing up my precious sports thoughts.

[A]

Hey, I'll stop interrupting you.

[B]

I have precious sports thoughts that need to be aired and consumed.

[A]

Get them out. Let's go.

[B]

To make people smarter, Tom Brady needs the information just so he can be a better broadcaster. That's what matters. And to take you behind the curtain a little bit when you hear, like the old Phil Sims. Well, we talked about it on these broadcasts. So much of a really good broadcast is informed by off the record, on background stuff that coaches are giving them. They can't say it comes from coaches, but it does. When you. And it's really important to you as a fan to hear and to interpret why they've heard certain things from coaches. Well, they really like this guy. When you. When that fourth quarterback comes in and you start hearing them, are you doing your own show over there? What now?

[A]

It wasn't called the redneck comedy. It was the blue collar.

[B]

Oh, blue collar county door. Well, it was.

[A]

I said redneck. And you knew immediately what it was?

[B]

Of course. Great. I knew what it was.

[A]

All right. Sorry. Jesus.

[B]

Careful, I'm telling you.

[A]

I know. I'm sorry. The fans are gonna get so mad.

[B]

I'm hearing the distant march of the boots of the comedy police, so be careful.

[A]

Jeff Fox lightly and his comedian friends, Bill Engvall, Ron White. Not Mike White. Wasn't Mike White a football coach?

[B]

No, he was the old athletic director at Illinois. Sorry, Mike.

[A]

And Larry the Cable Guy.

[B]

And now he was the coach. He was the coach? Yeah.

[A]

Bill Engvall, Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, the blue collar Comedy Tour.

[B]

Not the red Comedy Tour. Hey, you ever catch a fish and then fall out the boat? You mean the broat five of bros?

[A]

All right, I'm done. Sorry. Jesus. I apologize, all the listeners.

[B]

This whole thing is about Tom Brady needing all that information. And it's also about learning about what the coach is think. Do you remember that awful night when Tyson Bagent started on a Sunday night and Chris Collinsworth was gushing over Tyson Bagent, like, I think Justin Fields need to sit down and watch this guy quarterback. You remember that?

[A]

No. No.

[B]

It was awesome. It was. It was. It was a spasm of stupidity.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Probably didn't watch, but it told you that he was getting that from Luke Getzi. He was getting it from the coaches. That's what you learn when the analyst is feeding you stuff that he's gotten from the coaches. And when the coaches are going out of their way to joke about how they won't tell Tom Brady anything. He's already bad at broadcasting. This is gonna make him worse at broadcasting. He needs the help because he's not that good. And when the coaches are like, I'm not telling this guy anything. Don't worry, don't worry. It's not gonna be an interesting broadcast. There's gonna be no insight. That's exactly what Ben Johnson is saying. You as a viewer, you're not gonna get any real insight of the Chicago Bears from his broadcast. So does Fox realize that in the. This is what I'm wondering. Fox is the same network that is taking unbelievably valuable commercial time to run a promo to tell you that he knows football. That they're. That. That's millions of dollars worth of promo time to say, hey, this Tom Brady, who's maybe the best quarterback of all time. You know what? He knows football. They're doing that because nobody thinks he really knows anything about football.

[A]

Well, because he doesn't. And it's. It's. It's. It's been not. It's not. It's not very good at all any of the broadcasts he does. And it's.

[B]

It's horrible because there are brutal.

[A]

There are so many guys that are so much better than he is.

[B]

Yes, there's awful. If you watch a lot of college football, there are a lot of guys in college football booths that are breaking stuff.

[A]

A lot of men and women that.

[B]

Are better than seeing things at doing.

[A]

Football color than Tom Brady. Yeah. Like, it's just. It's insane that you have to have a commercial promoting your number one color guy.

[B]

Exactly. So they have that. And. And because of the obvious conflict of interest that they don't want to manage while they're paying him $40 million a year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

40 million a year to be bad. That's a good gig, man. And while they're doing that, you have coaches making Jokes and, and, and, and killing it, by the way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Ben Johnson is absolutely slaying that audience, man.

[A]

Gotta be careful.

[B]

Yeah. Watch it. It, watch it. You get too big a laugh. Careful. Don't play, don't play that too loud because the comedy police will be here.

[A]

You know, the NFL also, in the first week during the Bears game, they ran a commercial promoting the NFL during an NFL game. Remember? It was a commercial. It was like a parade. The parade. Yeah.

[B]

Come on, ride it. Float.

[A]

Like.

[B]

What are you doing promoting the NFL?

[A]

We're promoting the NFL during an NFL game.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

While NFL fans are watching this particular NFL game to promote the NFL.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Okay. And then you follow that up with a Tom Brady commercial at your front door telling you football knowledge.

[B]

Are you Tom Brady?

[A]

Stay away from my house. First of all.

[B]

Hi. Tom Brady.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Oh, confirmation that Jersey Mike's did a rack boat Danny DeVito.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, we have the follow up on. That was Crazy.

[A]

So it's two women eating the Jersey Mike salad bowls, like, in a big lobby of a building, and there's a, like a fountain in the middle, and he's in a boat and he's in a broat, and he's fishing. And she's like, why is Danny DeVito fishing?

[B]

You don't have to identify him.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He's Danny DeVito.

[A]

You could just say, why is he fishing over here?

[B]

Why is that man fishing?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you can just say he. Because we all know. Oh, it's Danny DeVito.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. So they, they are wrecked boat Danny DeVito, who you said was the ideal perfect guy for that particular product.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

See, you're killing me, man.

[A]

I'm not killing you.

[B]

You're killing me.

[A]

Well, I'm killing the audience because they hate when I interrupt you.

[B]

You're filtering me is what you're doing.

[A]

I can. I can never.

[B]

Yeah, you're filtering me. I am. I need to be unfiltered.

[A]

All right, hang on. Ready?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

One of the most competitive people in.

[B]

The history of the sport crying around for information in a very paranoid world. How do you reconcile the conflict of interest that exists with the whole situation? Yeah, like I said, I'm really not worried about it. I mean, we change week to week in terms of what we do schematically. He's going to be able to turn on the tape and see what everyone else in the world's seeing right now. Don't bet on it. Personnel wise, really the same thing. It's. It's not like I'M going to sit down with him. Hey, don't do this to Caleb Williams or you might get it. Like, I'm not going to. There's not going to be any trade secrets that are going to be exchanged. But I just, I really don't think it's that big of a deal, to be honest with you.

[A]

So two questions of the Bears head coach after an 02 start. Two questions on the conflict of interest with Tom Brady being there.

[B]

See, I understand that, though. Yeah, but I just don't. And I agree with him. It's really not that big a deal, but it's a big deal to me as a viewer. For those of us who prefer to watch at home rather than going to the games, I want good analysis and I want insight into what the coach is thinking about certain players. What I was trying to say before you do learn about how they feel about certain people. Because coaches will plant. They know that they can send a message, they can say things. There's political games that get played. If a coach wants to say things like, well, off the record, my roster sucks. I don't want to play this guy. I got three practice squad guys here. What do you expect me to do? I can't run what I want to run because I just promoted these guys. That off the record stuff comes through in a broadcast with a really good analyst. And the good analysts feed you that without burning sources. It is some of the purest form of reporting you're going to get if you pay attention. If you pay attention to what they're hearing in these meetings that do matter because we don't get the access we used to get. We have to divine these things and read tea leaves and connect dots in ways that we didn't have to a long time ago because the reporting was better and the access was better. This is some of the best access anybody gets in the NFL. And the fact that they're joking about the fact that you're number one most prominent analyst isn't getting the best information. Who benefits from that? Fox doesn't benefit. The head coach of the team doesn't necessarily benefit because a smart head coach uses that to his advantage. A smart head coach can make himself look better publicly on this. In this biggest bullhorn the league has. It doesn't help anyone. You're bragging about giving lame information. Who likes that? What person's like, yeah, don't tell him anything. I don't wanna have an interesting broadcast. What I don't understand what the joke is. It's not a Joke. It's bad. An ideal relationship, there's respect both ways. There is respect for the analyst, there's respect for the coach. And there is a. Even though it can be self serving, there's an exchange of information that's one way or another can make you smarter if you are listening critically and watching critically and otherwise it's just pap.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And maybe that's what you want. Maybe you just want a celebrity face and silliness and guys go big hit, blah blah, blah, blah. If that's what you want, fine. It's not what I want.

[A]

Yeah. That's interesting. And I don't look at it as deeply. What I want is the things that I see on my tv. I want the guy in the booth, like Greg Olson to explain the things that my, my amateur eye doesn't pick up on or see all the time. That that's what I want. And that from a bare minimum, that's what I want from Tom Brady, whether he gets the access from the coaches and gets, you know, deep commentary from the coaches or not, and brings that to the broadcast. Fine, that's great. I want him to explain what I'm seeing in a way that I can't see it. And Tom Brady does not have that ability to do it. At least, at least not. Or at least I haven't heard it.

[B]

Yeah. And I do think that the other layer to it about where his interests lie and what his conflicts are, he's football. A rod is what this is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it was the same thing with a rod where he's in the booth, he didn't really prepare, he doesn't really know anything. He's just kind of handsome and famous and powerful and conflicted and he's there because he's there.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's not really a ratings grab because it, I don't think it, it's not, it's not gonna, it's not gonna, it's not gonna make people go in and watch that. Wouldn't watch. You're watching regardless of who it is. It just. You may enjoy it less because he talks like maybe, maybe don't talk. Maybe just sit there and on camera.

[B]

And just kind of wave.

[A]

Yeah, wave and sign autographs and throw him out of the booth.

[B]

So that's my, my thought is the whole thing is just kind of too bad. And if you think about it too much, you can't really understand what the motivation is to pay him $40 million. To be ordinary and to be under informed. That's really? You're gonna use a promo to say this guy knows football. This guy knows football. Then why create a situation where he has less information than a replacement level broadcaster? Because we know that to be a fact. He has less information than a replacement level broadcaster.

[A]

Yeah, maybe if he's like the third guy in a booth and like comes at it from the quarterback perspective. I mean share, share, share some of that. I mean, I think he has experience there.

[B]

I don't like three booths.

[A]

Okay, well, I mean I, if they're good.

[B]

It's hard.

[A]

I don't mind.

[B]

I mean it's really hard to be good. I think that the one the Chris Fowler, Dan Orlovsky and the GM Lewis Riddick, that's about as good as it gets. But the amount of attention that the truck has to pay, the amount of direction and production that it takes to do that is expensive and difficult, time consuming and is a huge devotion of resources.

[A]

Didn't Monday Night Football have a three man booth when we were kids?

[B]

Yeah, Dandy Don and Frank Gifford and Howard Cosell.

[A]

That was great.

[B]

Yeah. In the heyday. Yeah, I think. But everything felt better through the, the lens of nostalgia. Okay. I think if we looked at it now, we might wouldn't like it. We probably wouldn't.

[A]

I bet you more information than what Tom Brady shares though. I would bet.

[B]

Probably.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And Cosell would say anything because he was, you know, angry and drunk sometimes and particularly angry.

[A]

He was the, the, the angry version of Harry Cary.

[B]

Smarter.

[A]

But Harry was always happy and drunk.

[B]

Not true. Not true.

[A]

Not always happy.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, well, the Pierce all stuff.

[B]

I don't, I don't. Oh, that's my favorite booth ever. Oh, they would say any. They didn't care. They would say anything.

[A]

That's when you were, you were in the booth as a kid on his lap. Right.

[B]

And I was not on his lap. Oh, I was in the booth.

[A]

Why did I always think of you on his lap?

[B]

I. I don't know.

[A]

Okay. I just, I assume. Man, I'm sorry.

[B]

That would be weird to have a 10 year old, a 10 year old boy sitting on your lap in the booth. No, he was, he was awesome. He was great. But, but really. There, see, that felt good. We were able to talk bears, non bears. And not have to make you miserable thinking about the bears until kickoff. Well. Or until you tuned into forward progress today, which is going to be awesome.

[A]

Yeah. So forward progress today we will have. Courtney Cronin will be on the, the podcast with us tomorrow. We're going to Preview a little cowboys with a cowboys beat reporter as well as the top 10 Cowboys of all time.

[B]

I've got work. I've got. So I have a lot of homework today. I have to do that because I'm very concerned it's going to. How many honorable mentions you're going to do?

[A]

30.

[B]

No, seriously, five.

[A]

I'm going to limit it to five.

[B]

So I got. I need 15.

[A]

15. Because there are hundreds of cowboy characters and cowboys, and it's just. There's a lot.

[B]

I'm going to debate you on some of this.

[A]

Well, you can debate me all you want. You'll be wrong because I have the official list.

[B]

Because I'm part of debate me culture. Because we know that that's good faith argument.

[A]

That is.

[B]

That is all good things to all people. That. That means you're really a part of the democratic process when you're challenging people to say debate me so you can scream talking points at them. Careful.

[A]

Watch yourself.

[B]

Comedy prison.

[A]

Better stop it.

[B]

I know, I know. They got a special. A special cell for me already set.

[A]

Yeah, because if they come bursting through her with one of those guns that shoots like a giant net to trap you.

[B]

No, no, it's the comedy police.

[A]

Oh, they don't do that.

[B]

No, they shoot a giant gun with a huge flag that says bang. You know how this works?

[A]

I thought it was like a T shirt gun. No, no, stun you shot to the head with a T shirt.

[B]

I'm telling you, they're right outside the door right now. I'm gonna be very, very careful because they already have a cell with my name on it in comedy prison.

[A]

All right, well, when we're done, you have to walk through the door first. See what happens.

[B]

Proudly. Okay, proudly. I will. With my chest puffed out, and I will. I will meet my comedy captors and I will say, I regret I have but one life to give to comedy or something.

[A]

You've given it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's true. Yeah, it's already true. This is life number two.

[A]

Time's up.

[B]

My bookie is the place you have to go because you're gonna be the guy. And when I say the guy. Which guy? The guy that hits the big parlay and the guy goes, hey, remember when I hit that big parlay? Yeah, yeah, we do. You don't stop talking about it because why can't it be? Why not you? I say my bookie makes it really easy to get in on the action. College ball, NFL super contest, and survivor pools with all the spreads, the player props and in game lines you could want all under one roof. And if you're new to my bookie, use the code and any bet you choose up to $500 is fully covered. Make your play, and if it doesn't hit, you get it right back when you opt in using the bet back bonus token. The code DBU for Dan Bernstein. Unfiltered. There's no better time to jump in, no better place to play. Our picks are coming tomorrow. I gotta play. I got more homework than I thought.

[A]

Yeah, you do.

[B]

I'm getting like the anxiety dream. This is like the anxiety dream world.

[A]

Yeah. Because you need to dig deep with your pick, find something obscure.

[B]

Seriously, this is like. And I get this once a month. The literal college dream of its finals. And there was a course on my schedule I didn't know I had, and I hadn't been going and I didn't do the reading. Football's back. Let's make some money with my bookie. Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs.

[A]

And I mean it. It is very exciting.

[B]

It is a big deal, even with the expanded playoffs, for them to have the season that they've had where they're going to get 90 some wins. Yep. They're at 88 now, and that's. They're going to end up right around their projections. Yeah, right there. Whether it's been the zips projections, they're going to be right there. Congratulations to him. It's a big deal to have the season that they have had, especially dealing. You know, they lost their ace pitcher, they lost their catcher. They have dealt with their.

[A]

Shoda was out for a while.

[B]

Yeah. Their star free agent signing. They dealt with massive slumps from critical players. The bullpen has been a work in progress all year. This has been a hell of a year. Whatever happens now, so enjoy it. Enjoy it and celebrate everything. Celebrate the hell out of it. And I was happy to see that they caught the final out. They got into the dugout, they got into the clubhouse, and they didn't. They didn't do anything on the road that looked untoward. Yeah, but who cares? It's Pittsburgh. It didn't really matter anyway. But yeah, go ahead, put your goggles on, pour, you know, light your cigars and do what you want to do and then. And then get at it. And then we start looking at these, this roster and how you're going to attack a short series and it starts to get fun. It's okay. You want to get that, you know, the butterflies in your stomach a little bit and understand they could win The World Series this year.

[A]

Yep. They absolutely could.

[B]

They absolutely can win the World Series.

[A]

Who starts game one for you against the Padres if that holds out?

[B]

Kate Horton.

[A]

Yeah, 100%.

[B]

I think he is their best pitcher by a mile. Right?

[A]

That is absolutely correct. You go Kate Horton, Imanaga, and then Matthew Boyd. One, two, three.

[B]

Boy's been bad.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, he'll be fine.

[B]

He'll be fine.

[A]

Yeah, he'll be fine. But that's your. Those are your three starters for that series against the Padres, if that. That holds true right now. Can they win without Kyle Tucker?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

If Kyle Tucker does not get back on the roster, can they win without Kyle Tucker?

[B]

Yes, of course they can. It's harder to win without Kyle Tucker, but if you, you know, you get people for the 162 and there's been a lot of great players who've been bad in the playoffs or bad in the playoff series. There's been a lot of bad players who are great in the playoff series. And that is just the truth of bas. Anybody can win a short playoff series. Good players will be bad. Bad players can be good. Mediocre players can be anywhere from bad to good. That's it. It's just a fact. And you'd rather have Tucker and if he can swing a bat and can't run dhm. Yeah, I don't mind him swinging a bat because he can barrel. He can still barrel stuff up, I imagine. But this is a weird injury. So now they're sending him to a mystical faith healer at the top of a mountain.

[A]

So it's.

[B]

What are they doing now?

[A]

He's going. He's back in Tampa and he apparently had gone to this person. Facility, whatever it is, previously while he was with the Astros.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So the treatment with the. The strained calf has reached a plateau, as Craig Counsel has said. And he can't run without pain. So I don't know. It's just the whole situation is weird. He leaves the team before the. The Pittsburgh series. He goes down with a. With a team chaperone apparently. And, you know, he's out doing his thing, so it's not the first time he's done something like this. So people shouldn't be angry or upset about it. Oh, he's leaving the team. It's. It's fine. It's fine. And get, you know, do what you need to do to get yourself back to get on the playoff roster that you can swing that bat.

[B]

It's very interesting wondering how teams are going to value him as A free agent?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, this. This season and this season impacted that. That future contract, you think? Yeah. And there's. There's no shot that he's a $500 million player, a $400 million player. I mean, I'm not even paying him over 300 million.

[B]

Oh, he's not even getting over a third of a billion dollars.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Or you build in one of these staggered deals. I think there's a way to lawyer this where he can be rewarded for his health and you can be protected from some of these.

[A]

From inj. Is it the Cubs, do you think? Because I still. I still don't. Even with what's happened and how it's going to impact the contract. Because I think there's a lot of stupid in baseball, and I think someone may still give him a stupid contract.

[B]

All it takes is one.

[A]

Yeah. It takes one stupid person to give him one stupid contract offer to ruin the whole thing. I just. I don't. It's not going to be the Cubs. It's not going to be the Cubs, and it sucks. It really does. And, you know, I was reading an article today down in Houston, a Houston report, about how the Astros really made over on that trade, and they really took it to the Cubs and with Cam Smith and.

[B]

It.

[A]

Who was it? The third baseman? Paredes. Isak Paradis. That. Oh, they really won over. No, not. They didn't. I mean. Yeah. I mean, you're. You're.

[B]

You made the playoffs.

[A]

Yeah. You made the playoffs just like the Cubs did. But, you know, he's a better player than those two guys. At this point. Right now, you can. You can talk about that trade down the road, but right now.

[B]

No. This is why you have prospects, is to trade them for five win players when you're trying to make the playoffs.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Right. I have no problem with it.

[A]

Right. He's one of the three guys in the Cubs that are in the top 30 of WAR for the season. So, you know, the Cubs had a fantastic year. They're going to get over 90 wins, and Kyle Tucker helped them get to the playoffs. And that's all you need to do. You need to get to the playoffs, period. You need to be one of the six teams that makes the playoffs.

[B]

And now they get a spin of the wheel, a roll of the dice, a bite at the apple.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whatever metaphor you want to use.

[A]

Right. That's all you need. Because right now it's all. It's. It's. You know, once it starts 00, everyone starts fresh and you get to line up your, your, your pitching and go after it. And if it's the Padres, then you get through that and then it's the brewers and you get to have a fun series there. Yeah, the Brewers.

[B]

The shines off that. And the way Ian Happ is hitting the ball now all of a sudden out of nowhere. Yeah.

[A]

His September has been, oh, my God.

[B]

You got a new player out of him.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

That's, that's how it works. That's how baseball works.

[B]

Yeah, he and Nico have been.

[A]

Nico's been un.

[B]

Even his outs are shots.

[A]

Yeah, he's making great shots.

[B]

Swanson is living up to what he's done.

[A]

Yeah. No, yeah, he's had quite the bounce back year from what we saw last year when it was like, yeah, you.

[B]

Get a hernia repaired. It's amazing how much better you can be at stuff.

[A]

That's true. Doctor.

[B]

Yes. See, there you go. Hernias hurt. And if you play a year and a half with, with, with torn core muscles, you get them fixed, you tend to be better at your.

[A]

Yeah, but if he's an athlete, if Kyle Tucker ends up, let's, you know, let's just put a dumb number on and say he's at 80%. Okay, but he can hit at 80% and you can DH him. Great. Go for it. Have fun. Let's go. You put Suzuki and. Right. And you're good to go.

[B]

I'm starting to get excited again.

[A]

I've been, I've been excited. It's. It's crazy that I was so excited going into the season. And I've watched more baseball this year than I have the last several seasons. And that, that series in Japan to open, to open the season, it seemed like years ago now. And here we are with 10 games to go and the Cubs have clinched a playoff spot along with the Phillies and the brewers in the National League. It's just, it's so exciting. I mean, really, really nice job.

[B]

And it's funny because the baseball season for me is almost exactly concurrent with the timing of my firing and to where we are now.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So I've had this sort of odd confluence of timing when you talk about how long it feels. And in some ways, the summer went in a blink. And in some ways, I look back at my fishing pictures and I look back like, well, here this is. I caught the ill fated Northern pike on this date. And I still have the picture because I'm still proud of that fish. Truth be. Oh, my God. See, that's really What? Got lost in this whole thing? Yes, I had. Sure. Mental health crisis.

[A]

You ruined it by being a jerk.

[B]

I did.

[A]

A monster.

[B]

I ruined the whole thing because I was a psycho. I ruined a per. That's really the shame of it.

[A]

That could have. That's a trophy fish for you, buddy.

[B]

No, it's. That's not it. Really? For Lake Michigan. Yeah. A Lake Michigan northern pike. Yes. Yeah, but for a Canadian northern, that's nothing. That's probably my. My 37th biggest.

[A]

Yeah, but like, walking down to Buckingham Fountain and pulling that thing out of the water, that's a. That's a trophy fish for you.

[B]

I did catch one. Another one in front of Buckingham Fountain. And all I wanted to do was post the picture because it's a glorious picture.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, this would be so great to put it now. Okay, I'll show you.

[A]

All right. Yeah, I want to see. I want to see it.

[B]

Yeah, I'll show you the pictures.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. So how did you time. Like, how did that impact your baseball viewing?

[B]

Oh, I watched a ton of baseball. I spent my whole summer with. Well, early on it was with more Alex Cohen because Boog was ill early on in the season. And I've really enjoyed their broadcast and especially as the games. In recent days, when the games were less meaningful and the broadcast became a little more breezy. I think JD's been brilliant this year.

[A]

JD's been great.

[B]

He's been brilliant. And I just. I love his. When you can really sit back and watch a whole game and fall into his rhythm a little bit. His sense of humor is. It's super dry and you gotta listen carefully because he's really funny. But it's a deadpan sense of humor where he uses the negative space. He uses the quiet and the pauses a little bit for effect. And they both do, because Boog is like that. Boog's got that kind of breezy talk showy, you know, he reminds me of like a. Like a. Like a Rat Pack. Vintage Carson talk show guest.

[A]

Yeah, it's the Boogen and jd. It's a. It's a show where there's a baseball game happening, you know, and. But it's good, though. It's not in a. In a. In a negative way.

[B]

Not at all.

[A]

Yeah, it's really good. And there's a great conversation going on generally around baseball, and then there's some baseball happening as well, too. And when it's. When it's meaningful in the game, I mean, they're. They're locked in on it, obviously. But JD's great. Yeah. The.

[B]

I've enjoyed the cub season.

[A]

Yeah. Oh no, very much.

[B]

I have really enjoyed this cub season and I've had a lot of time to be able to watch a lot of it.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. And the radio is still great. I mean with, with Pat and Ron and it's just, it's really, it's really silly. It's really silly.

[B]

And Zach's had a big role this year.

[A]

Zach's been great. And my favorite part of when I'm in the car listening on the radio is Zach laughing in the background. I mean, because it's just a genuine like outburst of laughter.

[B]

I don't think it's entirely genuine. Oh, I do. I don't.

[A]

I do. He's goofy. He's a goofball.

[B]

I think it's 80% genuine but 20% self aware. Over the top because like the dumber and worse the joke, the harder he laughs.

[A]

I. Maybe that's just a sense of humor though.

[B]

No, no, I think he's doing. I think it's a bit.

[A]

All right, I'm going to ask him.

[B]

Because I don't think, I'll be honest with you. I think you might like.

[A]

Maybe he'll tell me off the record and give me some cub secrets.

[B]

Oh, well, see those are secrets you want. Not the Bears. Somewhere Tom Brady's sniffing around. He's. Even though it's virtual. Oh, by the way, it was interesting to read the two crews that still demand the in person. I believe it was Jim Nance, Tony Romo and Tracy Wolfson is one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And the Al Michaels Collinsworth crew for Sunday night with in Melissa Stark. Right.

[A]

They demand in person stuff.

[B]

Yes. They still fly out and do the in person stuff. And I like it should be in person.

[A]

Oh, I agree. And I think, well, I think Michael does it because he wants like a spread like a lunch spread or a dinner spread while they meet.

[B]

With no vegetables.

[A]

Right. With no veggies.

[B]

Well, he also has all the travel arrangements in his contract about the specially shaped soaps and his special pillows. Why not?

[A]

I would.

[B]

Why not? You're staying at a four season.

[A]

What's the worst thing that can happen? You can ask and you get told no.

[B]

Right. And he doesn't get told no. Michaels.

[A]

Right. Quick look at the playoffs too. The one one. One interesting thing that's left is the Red Sox have. They've tied the Mariners. So the Yankees on top of the wild card race. Mariners are. And the Red Sox are now tied. So Those are seeds 4, 5, 6. If the red Sox can pass the Mariners, you have another Yankees, Red Sox, first round wild card matchup.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which is always fun. I mean, that's always fun.

[B]

As much as everybody complains about the whole east coast bias, it's the Yankees and the Red Sox.

[A]

Never complained about that. I've never complained. And I love the Red Sox. They're my American League team. Team. I love the city of Boston. And it's just, man, anytime you can watch Boston and Yankees in a. In a wild card matchup.

[B]

It's so funny you say that the town was on last night again.

[A]

Again.

[B]

Yeah, unfortunately, it was the. The USA Network version where it's not good, so they can't really bleep, so they have to. Almost a third of the dialogue is completely rerecorded.

[A]

Well, you watch a lot of movies on regular, like cable.

[B]

I like it. I like finding something I want to see on DirecTV and flipping. Flipping. Because you never know.

[A]

Yeah. So have you ever have you come across something on TV that you want to watch and then just gone and like, streamed the actual full movie without being edited on cable? Like, I'll do that. Like, I'll see, like, Goodfellas on amc.

[B]

Well, that's Beth's problem, and I'm not.

[A]

Gonna watch an amc, so I'll go and I'll just pull it up and watch Goodfellas.

[B]

Well, the moment it comes on, I know she's done. Like, I'll get a text from upstairs. She's like, goodfellas is on. Which means that's a good.

[A]

Does that trap her?

[B]

Goodfellows every time.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

And the town often too, because she loves John Hammond. Loves Ben Affleck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even though they're white. Which is weird because that's just not, you know, really not her style.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because it's not, you know, Shemar Moore or something, so. Or what Was the guy handsome from Bridgerton? John.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I know. All the ladies like him too.

[B]

Oh, God. Yeah. So if she gets caught in the Goodfellas, that means I know I'll be able to do a puzzle and. Or read in bed with the light on.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because she won't be, because she'll watch in the sitting area off the main bedroom. And it works out for me because usually I'll go up there just. And all I want to do is lie in bed and do a puzzle. And she's like, I'm turning the light off, I'm going to bed. And then I gotta finagle something, like, with My phone light. And it gets all weird and then it sits and the phone light slides down my chest and I can't do the puzzle.

[A]

So you're not allowed to leave a light on?

[B]

No, not while she's trying to sleep.

[A]

If you wanna do a puzzle, how about maybe, like, is there a different light you can make? You know, there's these things where you.

[B]

Can, like, dim the book light and.

[A]

There are a lot of different things you can do.

[B]

I've got one.

[A]

You should get one of those minor helmets.

[B]

Just a minor helmet?

[A]

Not like a minor helmet, but like if you're a minor.

[B]

Oh, like a. Yeah, I can't. I could do that.

[A]

Like a coal miner. You should get one of those for your bed room.

[B]

No, I have a. I got a new thing.

[A]

It's like a Velcro strap light that goes around your forehead.

[B]

My GoPro for when I'm jumping off buildings. Yeah.

[A]

Are you falling out of bed in the middle of the night?

[B]

Right. And showing the video that I. Beth, look.

[A]

What happened. I fell out of bed again.

[B]

You okay? Yep. Fine. Just for content. I'm only doing it for the gram.

[A]

The White Sox, they've lost a couple. Here they are four games away from 100. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

With 10 games to go, the Rockies can tie the White Sox loss record last year, but they can't pass it. So they're at 111 losses right now with 10 games to go. If they were to tie the record, which would be very. White Sox, to have it tied the following season, the Rockies would have to lose their last 10 games, which would end their season in a 14 game losing streak. So I'm going to say they win one of these final 10 and they. They finished with 120 losses. And the White Sox still get to hold onto the record because of Pope Bob.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because we want that record to stand. Right? I mean, if you're going to have it, you might as well have it.

[B]

As long as you don't want to.

[A]

Tie the following season.

[B]

Because usually White White Sox achievements are erased. Like winning the World Series. And everybody forgot they won the World Series and it was never.

[A]

ESPN forgot. That's it.

[B]

No, we all remembered. I remembered because we were there and I was crying.

[A]

I was the only unhappy person in Houston.

[B]

You were hugging me while I was crying. And then we wanted to go out and get Mexican food again.

[A]

A lot of it.

[B]

Well, that was a different night. The Jeff Blum night was when we got more Mexican food that I think they eat in Mexico in a Week.

[A]

It was also the night I saved your career.

[B]

Yes, that would have been bad.

[A]

Well, temporarily you did.

[B]

Temporarily you did. Now you just have to keep me out of comedy prison.

[A]

Yeah, I will. Don't worry.

[B]

Are you sure?

[A]

Yes. If they come in with the T shirt cannon, I'll jump in front of you.

[B]

Don't worry. Thank you.

[A]

I'll take the shot.

[B]

You'll be diving horizontally through the shot.

[A]

Across the table here.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. I won't let them shoot you. Don't worry.

[B]

Get the T shirt right in the solar plexus, and somehow it has Benny the Bull on it for some reason.

[A]

Well, he's ice.

[B]

Oh, Benny Bull works for ICE now.

[A]

Yes, it's him and Dean Cain. Jeff Sorbo. Kevin Sorbo.

[B]

Kevin Sorbo.

[A]

Jeff Sorbo. His brother.

[B]

Who's Jeff Sorbo?

[A]

I don't know. Oh, I saw a commercial last night for.

[B]

Wait, you're Kevin Sorbo?

[A]

Why are you fishing with Danny DeVito.

[B]

And selling me a placebo for a drug that makes my ass weary?

[A]

Right. Why are you with all pro linebacker Brian Arachbo? I saw a commercial. Dancing with the Stars. I didn't know that was still on tv, first of all. And two of the celebrities are, I'm assuming, siblings of famous people. So there's an Efron, I'm assuming it's like Zac Efron's brother. Maybe.

[B]

Well, isn't he related to Nora Ephron?

[A]

I have no idea. And then there's a Jen Affleck I'm assuming is related to Ben Affleck.

[B]

You know, well, his wife was Jennifer Affleck, but then she went back to Jennifer Garner. Right.

[A]

This wasn't Jennifer Garner, though.

[B]

Well, and Jennifer Lopez was Jennifer Affleck.

[A]

But no, I don't think they ever used.

[B]

So he had.

[A]

I don't think they ever used his last name.

[B]

Wait, so he had two wives and a sister named Jen, I think.

[A]

I'm assuming it's a sister. I don't know who she is, but I didn't know it was still on tv.

[B]

Oh, I'm just.

[A]

Did you like. Are you. You probably watched that. Did you watch Dancing with. You seem like a Dancing with the Stars kind of guy. Semi homemade, then Dancing with the Stars.

[B]

That's a night right there on your.

[A]

On your recorder there.

[B]

Go. I'm all set. I don't need my DirecTV channel flipper for that.

[A]

Today we're gonna make a birthday cake first. Start with a box of Betty Crocker cake mix.

[B]

Go to the Juul's and get a seat.

[A]

Cake semi homemade with Sandra Lee. Not Sandra D. Right? Sandra Lee.

[B]

It was semi homemade, yes. Ooh, is this homemade? No, it's a can of chili.

[A]

She was actually the favorite chef of the blue collar comedy tour. She was there on tour show.

[B]

These are good grits, Sandra. Well, they're instant grits. No self respected son that uses instant grits.

[A]

The can of sloppy joes.

[B]

Man witch.

[A]

Man witch. Yeah.

[B]

He's another one of the comedians though.

[A]

Man witch.

[B]

Yeah. Which man witch?

[A]

Okay. You want to go over our roster of employees?

[B]

No, I don't. That's for later. You got to save that. You know that you should be up by Sunday. And I don't mean awake by Sunday. I mean up up. Because you didn't wait for Sunday to start your sports wagering. Because that way if you do that, you miss half the fun and half the money. Because college football is already cooking upsets and blowouts, wild covers. And my bookie lets you hit it all with game lines, player props and more. Everything you need before the pros even kick off. So when Sunday rolls around, you're already up. It's my bookie. And they've got it all under one roof. Win big on the NFL super contest and survivor pools. And if you're new to my bookie, use the code DBUDAN BERNSTEIN UNFILTERED. And any bet you choose up to $500 is fully covered. Make your play. If it doesn't hit, you get it right back when you opt in using the bet back bonus token. It's my bookie. Where bettors win together because bragging is good, but cashing in is better.

[A]

Yeah. And excited for Saturday's Vanderbilt game, they're taking on Georgia State. The Georgia State Panthers. We're going to go four. No, baby.

[B]

Okay, four.

[A]

No. Saw a couple of comments yesterday. My shirt, we never talked about it. The one I had on yesterday, that was my Vanderbilt polo. Yeah, it was a Vandy polo.

[B]

I just think it's a nice gift.

[A]

Yeah, no, it was a. It was very thoughtful gift from. From Natalie.

[B]

Yeah, it's fun. It's funny. The shirt looks good. Yeah.

[A]

We're the official show of the Vanderbilt Commodores.

[B]

That's going to be. See, careful. The problem is if you do that, then the Vanderbilt like alumni association and they're going to come asking you for Vanderbilt money.

[A]

Oh, no, I don't have that.

[B]

I don't have no alumni.

[A]

No. I'm hoping they could put some of that into the show.

[B]

Yeah, Vanderbilt's going to sponsor us.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm in the official show. The Vanderbilt Commodores. Yeah, I think. I think that's it.

[B]

I think that it should be the official show of the Tulane Green wave.

[A]

Well, I think both.

[B]

And I think they should green w a I V e the old tuition payments.

[A]

That would work too.

[B]

I think we need the old big green waiver on that one.

[A]

Yeah, we can get sales on all of that as well as the blue collar Comedy Tour.

[B]

The Jackass Cracker ass comedy tour, Dan.

[A]

Burns and Unfiltered, brought to you by the blue collar Comedy Tour in semi home age perfect.

[B]

But that's not gonna keep us out of comedy prison. I'm worried.

[A]

Well, you're going for sure.

[B]

We need an ironclad alibi and we need the best comedy lawyers. They come in with big floppy shoes. My team is on it.

[A]

Got one of the flowers on his lapel. That. Here they are.

[B]

These are my large do do do do do do do do do. They're running into each other. One guy has the giant rubber thumb. Like, ooh, I hit. Oh.

[A]

Lead counsel is Wizzo, not Rizzo.

[B]

Yes, I'm assembling. I have on retainer my criminal comedy attorneys that will keep me out of comedy prison. Damn it. Comedy probation, different story, but at least not maximum security. Comedy prison. You don't want.

[A]

We don't want you there.

[B]

No, because you don't want the comedy prison. Rape is the worst kind of. It's the worst kind. I can't get into.

[A]

They do things with horns.

[B]

It's the worst thing. Yeah. The trombone. Music is bad. All of that culture, really bad in comedy prison.

[A]

Yeah. Lead counsel is Wizzo and the second chair is Ryan Day, Ohio State head coach. They look similar. They look alike.

[B]

He does look like Wizzo.

[A]

Now who's your doppelganger? Wizzo. Not Anthony Rizzo, but Wizzo.

[B]

What is Ryan Day doing with the.

[A]

I don't know, but he looks like. He looks like these. He's the opening act for David Copperfield.

[B]

Yeah, there's something.

[A]

He looks like a magician. He's got magician all over. All over his face.

[B]

More like football magician. He keeps this up. I'm sorry.

[A]

How you feeling? You okay?

[B]

Better.

[A]

You're good?

[B]

Better. I still got a little bit of a goop, but I think I'm.

[A]

Well, you need to stop watching old VHS tapes of the Blue Collar Comedy tour.

[B]

Yeah, laughing too hard.

[A]

You're alerting the comedy police.

[B]

So tonight we've got bills and dolphins.

[A]

And I'm going to go Bills on that one all the way.

[B]

Well, bills by like, 30, because 5.

[A]

35.

[B]

Yeah. Poor Mike McDaniel.

[A]

Mike McDaniel said that it's a blessing they have a short week because now all they can focus on is the Bills and not what's taken place the first two games.

[B]

He's also going to comedy prison. Then he's got to go there because he's going to be out of the NFL soon. A reminder also tomorrow morning, 8:15. We call it Bernstein at 8:15. I'm with Sherman and Tingle on nine. Good thing to call it FM. Yeah, the drive. Chicago's classic rock. You have to say it like that. You have to say, like Bob Stroud. You drive.

[A]

You do that a lot.

[B]

The Drive.

[A]

Whenever we talk about it, that's how you talk to me.

[B]

Well, I like it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or I could say, like bird, 97 Juan FM.

[A]

That's pretty good.

[B]

Well, he says Juan, 97 Juan. Yeah, listen for it. All right, 97 Juan.

[A]

I think he's saying one.

[B]

Hola. I am 97.

[A]

They have 97 wines, right?

[B]

No, I thought there was a guy next to him.

[A]

Okay, 97 of them.

[B]

I'm Bird. Next to me is 97 Juan FM. How you doing? Okay.

[A]

His name is 97 Juan FM. Yeah, that's his name.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Hello. Hi. How are you? Okay.

[A]

I was looking at the. There was an article on Espen about the Bears chances of advancing to the postseason. Yeah. So?

[B]

Not great.

[A]

I learned something new today.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

ESPN has something called. It's not the FBI, it's the fpi. It's apparently the Football Power Index. And according to.

[B]

Football Power Index, yes. According to this, the Bears. Let me guess, the Bears are bad.

[A]

You're gonna have the comedy police and the FBI after you.

[B]

Oh, no. Is Cash Patel also the head of the FBI?

[A]

Straight cash, homie. The FBI, they have the Bears.

[B]

Quick, drop your pasta fajul and make a decision. I'm not done with my appetizers yet. I must finish my antipasto.

[A]

That was my uncle, not my aunt. Auntie Pasto. The bears have a 6.3% chance to make the playoffs, according to the FBI. We're still waiting comment from the FBI, though.

[B]

You want a miracle, Theo? I give you the fpi.

[A]

I never heard of the Football Power Index. If they can do that. Do me a favor. Fix your radio antenna in town so I can listen, please. Jesus. Static on me and I can't even listen to a Bears game if I'm in the car.

[B]

Yeah, It's a weird signal.

[A]

Like, come on, man. Yeah, come on. What's was that? Wasn't there a segment on espn, like, on the TV thing? I'm like, come on, man. Or wasn't that Come on, man? Is that what it was?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, get your signal fixed, damn it. And your bat signal. You need help.

[B]

That is Dan Bernstein. Unfiltered. And really, what else could it have been? When you think about it, nothing else would claim to have been that. So thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Brought to you in partnership with my bookie, Dan Bernstein.

[A]

Unfiltered.

[B]

Unfiltered.

[A]

On 312Sports.