A (2:28)

I'll never leave your filthy bed.

B (2:32)

I stay the night and one night.

A (2:35)

We came two or three years the.

B (2:37)

Kids are not all right but that's.

C (2:40)

Okay cause no one here is take me. Every week I ask listeners to send in their own stories of Teenage embarrassment in hopes that their adolescent shame could make us feel a little better. And this week, we are going to hear from Dan P. As much as I hoped, he was a robot. Unfortunately, Dan is a human, but the voice you will hear is computer generated. So unfortunately, I do not have robot listeners yet. Okay, let's jump into Dan's story.

B (3:12)

I grew up in a mobile home, and if you know trailers, you know the H vac is basically one long straight duct. As a teenager, I ordered a Playboy magazine and hid it in the heater vent in my bedroom floor. I had no idea that the pages were glued together. While I was at school, the heater kicked on and apparently melted all the glue. Page by page, the magazine traveled through the ductwork and traveled to every downstream vent in the house, including my sister's room and the living room. My mom was home, and when she heard a weird noise, she looked down into the vent and saw a naked woman staring back at her, flapping in the heated wind. When I got home from school, pages of naked women were laid out neatly across the kitchen table with a note that read, no video games. We're going to talk about this.

C (3:56)

My gosh.

A (3:59)

Thank God it didn't start some kind of blaze.

C (4:02)

Exactly. Imagine if then the trailer had. I mean, this could have been a lot worse.

A (4:08)

This could have ended much worse. Dan, Is it Dan?

C (4:13)

Yeah.

A (4:14)

You're good, Dan. Don't worry about it.

C (4:17)

I know. Also, Dan's still so traumatized by this, he had to use a computer generated voice. He didn't even. He wanted no one to know this story. Even though many years have passed.

A (4:28)

I get it. You know what, There's a time in our lives where these memories get cemented and like, we can't for like. So in my homeschool class, this ties everything in. In fact, in a nice way. In my homeschool class, I had a crush on one of the boys. Now this is, this is a class of maybe like 25 kids. Okay? So in fact, Valentine's Day in real life, as we speak, is coming, is coming up next month. So this ties in also for that. So it was Valentine's Day, okay? And remember I was a frizzy haired, buck toothed Hanson fan who often wore overalls and like handsome shirts. And I get to class, I sit down at my little desk and there is a note folded on the desk. And I open it up and it says, my name is Catherine. So people call me Kate, Katie, or Cat. So it's like, to Kate, like, I have a huge crush on you. Love your secret admirer. Oh, shit. Wow. And I, like, fold it back up, and I'm, like, trying to be cool, and I'm looking around, and I'm looking around, and the boy I like is, like, in front of me over there or something, and he's not looking at me. And I'm like, who could it be? Like, there were a few boys in the class, and some of them were cute, and I was like, oh, my God, who is it? Like, who is it? I can't believe. Happening. Like, this is like. It's like Dawson's Creek. It's like, this is really happening. And I was, like, so excited.

C (5:58)

Yeah.

A (5:58)

And then slowly I hear some giggles, and the giggles start to spread and I look around and I. It turns out that the whole class had written that note. No, they all did it to, like, make fun of me. No. And I was just, like, dignified, folded it and just went on with my. I did not give them the satisfaction. I didn't leave the room. I didn't show any emotion. I was just like, you guys.

C (6:39)

Exactly. Ew.

A (6:40)

Yeah. So that's a story that I remember. Oof. I remember it more than, like, presenting a People's Choice Award.

C (6:50)

You know what I'm saying?

A (6:51)

Those moments really, like, at that age when your brain is still developing and you're so vulnerable, they just lodge themselves. And then you remember it forever.

C (7:02)

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Also, you were. Because you remember both the extremes. The feeling of, oh, my gosh, someone has a crush on me, and it's like, the first time that's ever happened. And then the first. The flip side of it, which is like, the first time an entire group of people has ganged up to make you feel like, yeah, but you know what?

A (7:26)

That boy I had a crush on ended up being my first kiss.

C (7:30)

What was your first kiss like?

A (7:33)

Oh, I mean, it was great. It was in the boys locker room at the gym. Oh.

C (7:42)

So it smelled good.

A (7:43)

Sound great? Not like feet at all.

C (7:45)

No, definitely not like feet.

A (7:48)

He was like, I have to tell you something. I was like, okay. And then he kissed me, and I was like.

C (7:53)

Did he kiss you with tongue?

A (7:56)

I'd hope not. I don't think so. I was, like, 14. Yeah. Okay. So I was just shocked. And he was shocked. And then I think he quickly, like, left. And I was like. And I thought it. Maybe it was a joke, but it wasn't because he would then, like, call me at home. And then, like, he got me like a. I also never forget, he got me, like, a Victoria's Secret, like body lotion sample.

C (8:20)

Oh, those were amazing. Do you remember the stench on the. How you could smell them from a mile away?

A (8:26)

Strawberries and champagne.

C (8:27)

The best. Just great.

A (8:29)

The best. So it did work out for me after that story. Everyone, don't worry about it. I'm also happily married to a very tall, handsome man.

C (8:39)

Tall, handsome man who loves you.

A (8:44)

He does love me.

C (8:45)

He really does. You mentioned something that I would like to explain because I think our dear listeners, some of them may be too young to. To understand the horrors slash wonders of a home phone.

A (8:57)

Oh, my God.

C (8:58)

Can you. Can we talk about how wonderful a home phone was, but also the terror that was having to call your crush and then their parents.

A (9:08)

Oh my God.

C (9:10)

Answered the phone.

A (9:11)

You have to be like, hi, is Eric there?

C (9:16)

Yeah.

A (9:17)

And like, who is this? Like, this is. This is Kate from. And then you have to like, make small talk, talk to them. And then sometimes if you had a brother, brother would pick up the phone and listen.

C (9:31)

Yep. Listen in. God forbid anyone was trying to be on the Internet. I don't know if Penn Cottage had modem.

A (9:39)

We not till. I was. Not till past these things. But sometimes I'd be on the phone with somebody. It didn't have to be my crush being my best friend. I was talking about my crush for a very long time. And then my brother would just be like, yeah, I mean, like, what was like? Like, because anyone could just pick up the phone and listen and you would.

C (9:56)

And you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. That's how that thing that's like in Mean Girls about three way calling that stuff went on all the time was wild. It was a wild time.

B (10:13)

This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture Research with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. We all know the feeling when life gets really busy. Taking care of yourself can feel impossible. That's why premier protein shakes are my go to. They have 30 grams of protein, 160 calories, no added sugar, and they taste amazing. So they're a healthy choice you'll actually want to make. It's not just for fitness. It's for getting after life. The 30 grams of protein gives you the fuel you need. It's not just for intense gym sessions. It's just for life. With the wide variety of flavors, from cafe latte to cake batter, it never feels boring. It's a flavor for everyone. I personally love the peaches and cream, but maybe you're a root beer floater, cinnamon roll kind of person. Premier protein powers me to say yes to more Find your favorite flavor@premierprotein.com that's P R E M I E R protein.com or at Amazon, Walmart and other major retailers.

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C (11:42)

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A (11:48)

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Those folks, myself included, all had one.

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C (12:07)

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A (12:12)

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C (13:16)

Did you have an aim? Did you have like a. Were you ever on message boards? Oh, so sad.

A (13:21)

I did. And my screen name I think was like Purple Haze because I was like playing guitar at that time. So that's actually.

C (13:29)

Oh, that is cool.

A (13:31)

That's actually cool.

C (13:33)

Do you.

A (13:33)

I remember like, oh, God, chat rooms. Do you remember?

C (13:38)

Yep, yep, I remember chat room. But the most thing I remember is trying to come up with what my away message was going to be.

A (13:44)

Oh, my God.

B (13:44)

God.

A (13:45)

Was it a song lyric? Mine was.

C (13:47)

Of course, I don't remember what it was, but I know that I spent a long time trying to come up with just the right away message so that. So to people who don't know what we're talking about, you could have like a chat. It was like a chat name. You could go into chat rooms and talk to people and then when you were going to be away from the computer, in order to let them know, you'd have a little message that. That meant you were not currently available for speaking.

A (14:09)

Correct. Like voicemail that you read.

C (14:12)

Yes, yes. Like a little thought bubble.

A (14:13)

I'm pretty sure mine was Fiona Apple related.

C (14:16)

Oh, that's. Yeah, that's cool. Do you still play guitar?

A (14:22)

No, because I chose long nails.

C (14:27)

Yeah.

A (14:27)

There was a moment in time where I discovered that I loved having long nails. And you really can't. You really can't have both, I'm ashamed to say. The vanity. One out.

C (14:38)

Yep. I feel the same way. I took guitar lessons for a while. And one, it hurts.

A (14:43)

Yeah.

C (14:44)

And two, I like long nails, so.

A (14:47)

I just love nails. You have to let the calluses. If the calluses don't develop your.

C (14:53)

Did you ever check message boards?

A (14:56)

Oh, God.

C (14:57)

Like, I'm sure you were in a Hanson.

A (15:00)

Oh, you know, do you remember. God, this is very niche. Do you remember girl.com G-U R L. I think so. This is so weird. I feel like it was like, oh, God. I wonder if anyone. I'm sure some people listening know what this is. It was like this kind of like Lilith fairy, like alt girl, like website where there were like quizzes and like this and that. And they had a message board on there that I would frequently.

C (15:33)

Okay.

A (15:34)

And it was very interesting. I don't remember. I think I started a lot of topics about Hanson and stuff like that. I mean, I.

C (15:43)

So cute.

A (15:44)

I really loved them so purely still. Do I still listen to their Christmas album every year.

C (15:51)

Do you remember or did you ever know of the Moffats?

A (15:55)

Yeah, I knew of the Moffat.

C (15:57)

I was in a Moffat's music video.

A (15:59)

You were?

B (16:00)

Yes.

C (16:02)

So I love that you were in like the Hanson. The, you know, Hanson is who the Moffats wanted to be. The Moffatts came. They were a direct descendant of Hanson and I was in that one, which, listen, was so much fun. I got to like ride a tandem bike and it was. It was very. It was very cool.

A (16:25)

Dreams.

C (16:26)

Yeah, dreams. I know. Yeah.

A (16:29)

Good. Did you have an awkward phase? Cause I didn't see it.

C (16:33)

I mean, I was just Kind of. I mean, I was very klutzy. I was a very klutzy individual.

A (16:39)

That's adorable.

C (16:41)

I mean, is it? I was always tripping. But no, I didn't necessarily have, like a super awkward phase, but I did. You know, my first, like, real public out there boyfriend was Lance Bass, who.

A (16:59)

You know, I see I'm sensing a pattern here.

C (17:02)

I. I was wondering if you'd pick up on it. I. I started. Started young liking men who were never going to be interested in me.

A (17:10)

Listen, we all. We all do these. These things. I've dated emotionally unavailable men in a different way.

C (17:17)

Okay. So, you know, I think there's a. There was definitely a safety feeling for me.

A (17:23)

Yes. Where that's so. That's so real.

C (17:27)

And I do also think it fits in with the idea that I have always been a person who loves. For my romantic relationships, for the real foundation to be like a true great friendship.

A (17:38)

Yeah.

C (17:39)

And you have. You have time. You have nothing but time to develop a wonderful friendship if you're in a relationship with a gay man.

A (17:45)

Correct. Well, my mom's first boyfriend also turned out to be a gay man. And they had a blast together. Yeah. And they just. I had told her a million times, like, find him. And she did find him, and they just, like, reconnected, which is so beautiful because they're both, you know, in their late 70s now.

C (18:04)

Oh, man.

A (18:05)

Like, lives in New York and they FaceTimed, I think. I mean, it's so fantastic.

C (18:11)

That's sweet. I mean, for all the things we can complain about social media, the fact that you can pretty much. If you have good intentions, this is lovely. If you have good intentions, the lovely idea of reaching out to someone you have always thought fondly of being able to find them and then reconnecting with them is such a gift.

A (18:31)

It's amazing. That's the best thing about the Internet. The best thing about the Internet is that. And like finding and adopting pets, like finding lost pets or adopting animals, like that stuff is like rescuing people. Like. Yeah, like that. Absolutely incredible. And everything else is bad.

C (18:47)

You love cats. How many cats do you have?

A (18:50)

I have two currently.

C (18:51)

Okay.

A (18:52)

Ch.

C (18:52)

Are you thinking of getting another?

A (18:54)

Of course. Always. Always. My poor husband, he. He knows that. That it's. It's imminent. I have two beautiful daughters, Barley and Lentil. Oh, they're sisters.

C (19:08)

Yeah.

A (19:09)

And I dream of getting a black cat and name it Sesame.

C (19:15)

You need to do that.

A (19:16)

Really cute. Yeah. I would really love. I. You know, I never read comments, but I posted about my soulmate Kitty when she passed away. Millie.

C (19:27)

Yeah.

A (19:28)

Someone in the comments wrote something that really resonated with me and I think it was a guy or they said always have three cats. He was like, because if one drops, just get another one and then you always have three. I was like, damn. Actually there's some logic there because when Millie died, I was destroyed. And I mean re like, you know, you know, I have stepchildren and I'm a godmother, but I don't have my own children. These animals are like your children. And even if you do have children, it's the same feel like you just. The love is so pure. Yep. And I was like, if I get a third, I could have this never ending triangle of cats. Yep.

C (20:17)

Yep.

A (20:18)

This sounds messed up, but for anyone who's loved and lost like this, the pain is so severe.

C (20:25)

It is, it's very, it's very great. And it's one of the many things you have in common with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. It is, yes. He has cats and he has dogs and he loves them greatly. He does not have children of his own, but the animals are his children and he feels every loss. He specifically rescues elderly animals.

A (20:47)

Well, he takes a lot of restraint.

C (20:50)

It sure does. And he, yeah, he takes very good care of them. But it is, it's, it's painful every single time. So.

A (20:58)

I've lost a lot of people in my life and animals and it's, it's, it's comparable, they're comparable to one another because it's. When you have a person, you can talk to that person and they can tell you their wishes.

C (21:15)

Yep.

A (21:16)

And animals really can't. And so you're fully responsible for that. The well being of that animal.

C (21:22)

Yeah.

A (21:23)

At life. So it's, it's. Life is pain. Yes.

C (21:28)

You do a lot of work with the aspca, right? Is that. Would you like to shout out any particular rescue organization that you work with?

A (21:35)

Oh my God. Well, I, if anyone reaches out to me on behalf of any animals or adoption and stuff, I always post for them. I really love. Let me get this right because I love a lot. There's some local rescues in Los Angeles that I think are so awesome. Forgive the phone. There's kitten rescue la cute. There is. Where I got my babies is called Tail Town Cats in Pasadena. And it is a cat cafe.

C (22:07)

I love a cat cafe.

A (22:08)

So you can go and go into a room filled with cats. What could be better? And you can adopt them. Yep. And it's run by some great people and I got my Babies there. And there's also Best Friends.

C (22:24)

I got. I got my dog from Best Friends.

A (22:27)

Best Friends is great. So Best Friends has places all over the states, but LA is the one that I go to and take lots of pictures with the animals and promote for them and stuff. They're always doing such great work with dogs and cats. They have all, all kinds of animals at these places. And then where's another one? Okay. I think it's called. Oh, yeah, Stray Cat Alliance.

C (22:52)

Okay, great.

A (22:54)

Stray Cat alliance is another wonderful rescue organization. And they have, you know, kittens, cats, a lot of them have, you know, dogs. Do they work with everybody? And I will also shout out Best Friends because during the horrific fires, they spearheaded this unbelievable, like, transportation thing for animals locally, getting them out of the Palisades and Altadena and stuff like that and relocating them to save.

C (23:24)

Yeah.

A (23:24)

And they opened all these pantries so people would. Who had lost everything could go get food and supplies and stuff for their pets. I mean, they just. And vets. Vets donated all of their time to saving these animals. Really amazing.

C (23:41)

Yeah, there were. The fires were a terrible time. But like, with all tragedies, it seems like some of the best of humanity comes out right when you need them and that. Yeah, I remember I was following you and reposting some of the things you were. You were posting when people were trying to reconnect families with their lost animals. Oh, my gosh.

A (24:01)

But they, they did. They did with a lot of people. So, yes, you know, that was really great. And yeah, like Mr. Rogers says, look for the helpers, look for the helpers.

C (24:12)

And Zoloft is a helper.

A (24:15)

So far. Yeah.

C (24:18)

Thank you so, so much for spending your time with me this morning. It's just I love seeing you. You are a ray of sunshine. You are my Zoloft. I see you and I feel immediately better. And so let's try to get lunch when I'm back if you are still on hiatus.

A (24:38)

Oh, I'll be on hiatus until we. I adore you and I could. Could be at your doorstep anytime.

C (24:48)

Okay, let's do it.

A (24:49)

I would love to spend more time with you because it's not enough. Oh, yeah. I have to get.

C (24:53)

I have to give you your one of one as well.

A (24:55)

My God, I'll have to find your one of one. Do you have yours?

C (24:58)

I don't think I have my one of one, but I did buy a bunch of my own cards off ebay. Like a weird. Weirdo.

A (25:03)

Obviously I have a hologram one that I gave to my brother. Oh, I don't know what it means, but I don't. I want my one of one. So this is huge. I'm going to try. I'm going to track your one of one down for you. We're going to.

C (25:16)

We're going to try to find my one of one. Yeah. Yeah, we'll try to find it. Kat, thank you so much. I love you. It's always a pleasure.

A (25:23)

I love you. And it is never enough.

B (25:26)

Bye.

A (25:27)

Bye.

C (25:29)

You can see this ray of sunshine Wednesday nights on shifting gears 8, 7 Central, then streaming on Hulu the very next day. And you can follow the podcast on Instagram @teenbeatpod and make sure you're subscribed to our feed. That way, every single episode is downloaded onto your phone when it's released like some sort of bad U2 album. And don't forget, you can share your embarrassing stories with me by just sending in a voice memo and it could end up on a future Teen Beat. Send that to teenbeatpodmail.com Teen Beat is an iHeart podcast produced and hosted by Danielle Fishel executive producers Jensen Karp and Amy Sugarman. Executive in charge of production Danielle Romo, producer and editor Tara Sudbaksh. The theme song is by Mark Hoppus. Yes, that Mark Hoppas. Follow us on Instagram eenbeatpod.

B (26:22)

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