A (5:44)

I like it. Thank you for wondering what I thought. So, yeah, began with end of the past, Goodbye, baby cages. The other day I opened up my social media to reply to just a few messages and then next thing you knew or I knew hours had flown by. Ugh. I know what happened. That's gross. No, why? I legit, like spent hours watching funny videos and a lot of dog videos too. I learned nothing, you know, but listen. Enter Masterclass to save the day. With Masterclass, you can learn from the best. They've got over 200 classes, thousands of bite sized lessons across 13 categories. Plans, strategies, start at just $10 a month, billed annually. You know, instead of doom scrolling, I was like, let me like try and learn something new. So I got into James Douglas class. It's about criminal profiling. I thought, let me see. I don't know. His career is the inspiration behind the movies like Silence of the Lambs. So I was like, I'm in. Tell me everything. And now I'm like, I'm joining the FBI. Okay, but the best part about masterclass is that you can watch on your phone, laptop, tv, you can listen in audio mode if you want to. So like, while I'm getting ready, I'll just listen instead, you know, so listen if you're feeling stuck, stressed, or maybe like your brain could use something more than late night dune scrolling. Masterclass Is that little spark okay? It's great. I use Masterclass. It's fun. There's so many lessons and you should give it a try too. Masterclass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. Head over to masterclass.com darkhistory for the current offer. That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com Dark History. Dark History masterclass.com DarkHistory now, we all have one of those friends who like, has their perfumes, their fragrance, right? Maybe you have a friend that you don't really like that much. Like a frenemy. Maybe they're a fragrance person and they have a signature scent. Well, I got the perfect gift to give to that person. Go with an old classic, ambergris. It's a waxy clump of whale puke that allegedly smells very.

A (8:00)

Sexy, but it's very rare and it's very illegal. But it'd be a great gift. Okay, so what is ambergris Bailey? Well, ambergris is this waxy gunk that kept washing up on the beach and no one really knew where it was coming from at first, but what they did know was that it had this really potent smell. So even though no one knew exactly what it was, this is where people get weird. They were buying it, they were mixing it with perfumes, they were spraying it on themselves, they were chopping it up and mixing it into their wine. It was sold in all kinds of forms and it was very expensive. It was known as the treasure of the sea. And also floating gold. Floating gold.

A (8:51)

Apparently King Louis the 15th used it to add spice to his food and I guess give him a little.

A (8:59)

After dinner, dessert, maybe. This substance called ambergris, it comes from the intestines of whales, specifically sperm whales, which actually kind of makes sense if you're looking for an aphrodisiac, something that's gonna get you hot and heavy. I would go towards the whale that is specifically named sperm whale. So that connection makes sense to me. But here's what happens when a sperm whale swallows. Who named it the sperm whale, really, when you think about it, you know what I'm saying? Cause we all. The sperm whale, like, what a lousy name. Okay. When a sperm whale swallows something sharp and hard to digest, usually like a squid beak. Squid beak. What's a squid? What's a squid? I know. This was new news to me. Breaking news, everyone. Breaking news. Squids have beaks inside there somewhere there's this hard, sharp piece. I'm not a fishologist, but basically, okay.

A (10:08)

It'S hard to digest. You get it? It. Basically, when a sperm whale eats it, it marinates in their intestines. Eventually it gets wrapped up in this white gray goo, which. Which becomes ambergris. I guess there's some debate about how the ambergris comes out of the whale. Some believe that the whale regurgitates it, earning it a less fancy nickname, whale vomit. But some experts believe that ambergris quote eventually passes along with fecal matter, forming an obstruction in the rectum. End quote. Sometimes, if it's not too big, the whale can pass the ambergris. Yes, this is what we are talking about. But other times, the ambergris gets so big, it eventually fatally ruptures the whale's rectum. Oh, my God. Ugh. Either way, it's poop or vomit. Fun fact, though, this whale vomit or whale poop is still available in some expensive perfumes today. But not a lot of companies will admit it because it's not technically vegan.

A (11:16)

Isn't it, though? Because whatever. I don't know. Now listen, there are actually laws in place that make it illegal in some countries in the United States. The possession and trade of ambergris is actually prohibited. Prohibited by the Endangered species Act of 1973. So good luck trying to get that stuff, huh? Now for the friend who's always lighting candles. Oh, a candle. Love the candle, friend. It always. So it's so powerful in the house. Candles everywhere. Or maybe your friend who's really into, you know, their crystals and using their period blood as a face mask. Do you know about that? Well, let me tell you, I'll save that for another day. But listen, that friend, the woo woo friend. Yeah, listen, the great gift for them. Everyone loves this gift. A Ouija board. Yeah, great. Easy, right? Maybe you can find even a vintage one. Nothing brings family together, friends, anyone together, like a seance summoning the dead in the attic. You know, who doesn't want to do that? That's. That's so fun. So it kind of sounds like it was, like, invented in some mystical, like, spooky place, you know, Ouija. But Ouija only got its name in like 1890, when the inventor, he was a lawyer named Elijah J. Bond, had asked his sister in law to ask the board to name itself. Did you connect those dots? Great, so just ask the board what the board wants its name to be. So the board had spelled out O, U, I, J, A. And you're like, how do you pronounce this board? What? So people were like, what does this mean? So they asked the board, like, hey, what does this mean? You know? And the board wrote back, good luck. Sounds like a trap being set by a demon. But they ran with it. A patent was filed, and Ouija was alive immediately when it came out. Like, Ouija was very popular. Popular enough that there was a lot of fighting on who actually had the rights to manufacture Ouija boards. So there's like a bunch of lawsuits, copycat boards. And there was like a family feud that lasted almost 100 years. And a man named William Fuld, I think his name is, won the trademark for Ouija. So good for him. I don't know. William jumped into the Ouija lifestyle headfirst. William truly believed his product worked. He used the board to give him advice about problems he had in life and business. And he believed he had proof that it actually it worked. Apparently, after losing, like, a large shipment, William turned to the Ouija board to ask him where this missing shipment had ended up. And allegedly the board led him directly to the missing shipment, which was in, like, Ohio. Now, we don't know how he knew where in Ohio or what where. Huh huh, huh. But he was very excited about it, and I guess he found it. Another message from the board told him to prepare for big business. So William built a new factory in order to handle all, like, the new orders that this Ouija had promised him. But little did he know that the board was setting him up for tragedy. So in 1927, William went to inspect part of his new factory. And while he was there, he was, like, leaning on a support, you know, like. Yeah. And I guess it didn't hold. And he went. He just fell backwards, right? He fell down three stories, landing right on the ground. He broke his arm, his leg, five ribs, and had a concussion. He was taken to the hospital, but it was clear he wasn't going to make it. Now, William, I guess had held on long enough to say goodbye to, like, his kids or whatever, but. Out. But before he was out, he actually had one dying wish. Sorry, I jumped. He made his children promise to never, ever sell the rights to the Ouija board. And then after he made that promise, he died. Yeah, I guess one of his, like, broken ribs had pierced his heart, which sounds brutal, but Rip, I guess his kids, like, didn't really believe in the game like he did. And in 1966, one of his sons sold the business to Parker Brothers and kinda, kinda suspish. But he, like, the son, didn't sell it on any old day. He sold it on February 24, which was the anniversary of his father's death. Like, ouch. Was that on purpose? Okay. You know, kind of weird. Ouija ended up in the hands of Hasbro after they bought Parker brothers in 1991. And Hasbro still sells the boards to this day, actually. They even recently released the AI powered Ouija board. I was curious, so I looked it up. It's so dumb. You go online and you type your question into the chat for Ouija to answer. So essentially, you're just chatting with a robot. It's giving smarter child honestly. But okay. Yeah. I can't believe it's the end of the year. What?

A (16:44)

What? I know. Yep, we're here, and I'm making a list of, like, things I need to do before New Year's. And of course, at the very bottom of the list is like, hey, you still need to get that filling done at the dentist. You should probably do that like now, you know? But listen, trying to get a dentist appointment right now. Good luck. It's a pain. Where do I start? Listen, that's why I love zocdoc. Oh, yes, because zocdoc is here to save the day. Zocdoc, if you don't know, is a free app and website that makes finding the right doctor or like dentist super easy. You can search and compare high quality in network doctors across more than 100,000 providers in every specialty from mental health, dental, primary care, urgent care, foot care, all the cares. You name it, they got it. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are nearby or even who have like an opening today. And then when you find the one that you want, the doctor, whatever, you can instantly book with just a click. Appointments typically happen within 24 to 72 hours, so don't put it off. Or better yet, maybe put it at the top of your holiday to do list. Schedule an appointment for yourself. Take care of yourself because doc document, they got your back. I've been using Zocdoc for years and I think you should try it out too. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com darkhistory to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Zocdoc. Z O C-O C.com DarkHistory Zocdoc.com DarkHistory now for our next gift. Maybe you have one of those crazy family members. So crazy aunt, cousin, sister, whatever. You know, the one who gets a little woo all the time. They're fun. They're fun for a little bit. Well, give her the gift of an original Chippendales lap dance. Oh yeah, go to Chippendales. So much fun with that person. Back in the day, Chippendale's wasn't just about like hot men and little cuffs. It was also about arson, hitmen and murders. Multiple murders. Oh yeah. Maybe your aunt or whoever will be thrilled. It'll be a good time. Chippendales was at the right place at the right time. Los angeles in the 70s. It's a sex forward time and porn is on the rise in a very big way. There were movies that were coming out like Deep Throat, which turned out to be like a huge hit. And during this time in the 70s, it was considered like the golden age of porn. So seeing male strippers was like the perfect combination of something sexy and edgy that was also in a safe, controlled environment for normal people, you know, so nothing too crazy could happen. So once the doors open to Chippendales, ooh, the ladies just flooded in. In the beginning, the dancers had costumes. They had a very distinct costume. They wear those little like wrist cuffs, the collar, the bow tie. It's classic. If you're watching on YouTube, Paul and Rob. Their outfits were inspired by the classic Chippendales look. Love it. You guys, you look so good. Now for the special person in your life who's always texting you YouTube links at 2am with captions like, watch this before it gets taken down. Well, give them a reason to visit the Alaska Triangle. Oh, you can actually give them a framed poster of Kushtaka. Or should I say the Otterman? I wouldn't mind that. Actually, I wouldn't mind that gift. Give me a printout of the Otterman. Oh, yes. Alaska Triangle. Fun for days. The rabbit holes of that whole situation going on over there. Well, listen, Otterman, okay, he's like part man, part otter. He's hot. But I guess he will lure you into the icy Alaskan wilderness with the sound of, like, a crying child. Allegedly. That's what's been said. And then, I guess this otterman will then drag you into another dimension. Yeah. So that's fun to talk about. Yeah. At the dinner table during the holidays. Bring this up. It'll be a banger. They'll be like, what are you talking about? Be like. That's what they say. Then pull up the photo. You're gonna blow people's minds at the dinner table this year. Okay? Just drop Otterman out of nowhere. Boom. Everyone's gonna be like, what? Yes. But in case you need one last reason to stay away from the Alaska Triangle, allow me to introduce you to the ancient legend of.

A (21:39)

The Otterman.

A (21:43)

For thousands of years, the indigenous people of Alaska, specifically by the Tlingit and Tsimshean groups, they have passed down warnings about the Kushtaka, which translates to land otter man. I know. I love otters. They're so cute. You know, like when they sleep at night, they hold hands so they don't float away from each other.

A (22:07)

That's really precious. We don't deserve otters. According to native stories, the Kushtaka is a shape shifter who can take the form of a human, but usually looks like a harmless otter. Based on this image, it does not look like a harmless otter. It looks like freaking. A buff man with an otter head. It's very confusing.

A (22:34)

Yeah. You know on the COVID The COVID of those romance novels where it's like, Fabio, all buff and like, the hair's blowing through the wind. He's holding the woman. It's kind of what the the this, like, otter looks like. He's all buff and manly looking. He's got a thick ass neck. It's kind of. Kind of hot. I don't know. Okay. All right. The kushtaka stalks the Alaskan wilderness, sniffing out lost hikers. And it doesn't just, like, lunge at you out of, like, trees and then eat you or something. Oh, no. According to the legend, the Kushtaka plays with its food psychologically, like an orca. They play with their food, too? Yes, they do. Animals, huh? It'll shape shift into your friend, your sister, a crying child, a. Whatever it takes to, like, earn your trust. Then it leads you deeper into the woods, and that's when you either get ripped to shreds or you turn into a kushtaka yourself. Aliens. It's all going back to aliens, huh? Next up, we have a gift for someone that maybe you just don't like that much. You know, Maybe you want to get rid of them a little bit. Maybe you wouldn't mind if they went away. You know what I'm saying? You know, these just go away. Like, for example, Joan, I was thinking about giving her this gift this year. So cover your ears so you don't know. But listen, for this person in your life, you can consider giving them a boat. A big. Hear me out. A big, beautiful boat. But listen, it's gonna be built kind of janky and, like, duct taped together, and then it's gonna sink.

A (24:22)

He didn't do it. The boat sank. I don't know. But listen, this isn't my idea. The sinking boat is inspired by one of the weirdest Roman dictators out there. Nero. Oh, remember? Oh, no. Well, let me tell you. He hated his mom so much that he tried at least five times to have her killed. And one attempt included a boat designed for to sink. It was, like, set up to sink so his mom would sink with the boat. But guess what? His mom, like, was not having it. Now, according to experts, Nero tried to poison his mom three different times, but somehow she always kind of knew what he was up to, and she would take an antidote in advance. Some scholars say this is because she poisoned so many people. So, like, she was always expecting to be poisoned, or she intentionally, like, built up an immunity to poison, which is kind of wild. But okay. Nero is. He's trying to get rid of his mom, and he's realizing this whole poison thing isn't really working out for him. So he's like, I gotta get a little creative, channel my art side, you know? Like, if I'm gonna kill my mom, I gotta have a little bit more fun with it and, like, really just catch her off guard. So when the poison didn't work. Nero came up with, like, a little idea to have ceiling tiles fall on her head when she's sleeping. You know, those things are pretty heavy, right? That'll knock her out. But it didn't work. So he gets back to the drawing board, and he's like, what if I built a boat? Not just any boat, but, like, a boat that would collapse when you're out on, like, the water. And, like, he would, like, collapse and he'd die. That'd be kind of sick. So he draws up, like, this boat, you know, a collapsing death boat. He's called it Titanic.

A (26:20)

But I'm. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. That's not funny. Nero, he secretly has this boat, like, made and whatever, right? These people work on it. He's like, so you're going to make this boat, but it's, like, going to collapse? Isn't that cool? Okay, great. So these guys, they make this boat, and the whole point of this boat, if I say boat one more time, but the whole point of this boat is that it's designed to fall apart mid sail. She can't get out of that. In the middle of the ocean, she's gonna be stuck.

A (26:51)

And he really thought this was gonna be it. Like, he was gonna get her with this boat. So she got on board. She's like, oh, my God. Like, where are we going? This is so crazy. Like, we're just gonna go on, like, a nice, like, Sunday cruise. I love it. She gets on the boat, they take off, and they're out on sea. And then the boat collapsed exactly the way Nero wanted it to. So the people on the boat, they didn't know about this little collapsing situation. So everyone is panicking. Crew members drown. But Agrippina, she's like, oh, hell no. Like, I'm not going down like this. So she ends up diving into the water and in full Roman robes, she swims.

A (27:31)

Right? She swims, and then she's able to, like, get back to shore. She is unkillable, this woman. Could you imagine how heavy those clothes must have been, though? The adrenaline must have been pumping. She did not. She was not gonna die, okay? She's like, you are not gonna kill me, bitch. So she swims all the way to shore, and when people see her and they hear about the crash, they're like, oh, my God, girl. Like, what happened? That was crazy. I watched. But Agrippina, she stayed calm and she tells the people, like, it was just, like, a freak accident. I don't know. But, like, secretly, I think she knew. She knew what was up. You ever say to yourself, like, oh, oh, yeah, I'm finally gonna launch that passion project. I'm finally gonna do it New Year. I'm gonna do it. So then you're like, thinking, like, great, I'm gonna do it. But what's step one? Where do I start? Well, don't worry, because Squarespace has your back. Oh, yes. Today's episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one website platform designed to help you succeed online. I'm not just talking about new businesses. Whether you're, like, just starting out or you're trying to, like, take your business to the next level, Squarespace gives you everything you need. They set you up with websites, online stores, email campaigns, member areas. They offer literally like the. It's a whole buffet. I personally love their offering services feature. This allows you to set up a custom layout for invoicing payments, and even has a feature where people can schedule an appointment with you. Just see what happens, see who schedules it, Just see who you think shows up. I don't know. And with Squarespace's blueprint AI, I gave it a few details about what I do and like, things I like and stuff, and then boof, it handed me a fully custom site in. In minutes. So if you've been sitting on a dream, a project, an idea, something, and I don't know, you just like, you know, you're just ready to do it, do it on Squarespace because they genuinely make it simple, beautiful, and totally doable. Check out squarespace.com darkhistory for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DARKHISTORY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Now, for your cousin, brother, sister, whoever it is in your life who collects dolls, easy. I got you Wrap up an Annabelle doll replica. Yeah. Nothing says holiday spirit like a possessed antique full of demonic energy. They probably already have one if they collect dolls. Yeah, but give it to them anyways. Just tell them it's. Tell them it's haunted. That way it makes it more fun. And they're like, what'd you give me this for? I'd be like, it's haunted. That's what Ed and Lorraine Warren did. At least they said things were haunted and people kind of just believed it. Allegedly, the Warrens got a call for a very unusual case. A young nursing student named Donna was living in absolute fear because her toy doll was acting strange. Now, this doll wasn't exactly the same as. As the Doll in the conjuring movies. It was more like a Raggedy Ann doll. They're these soft stuffed fabric dolls with huge eyes, and they have, like, the red yarn hair, a very big smile plastered on their face. They're cute. They're simple, like the one Paul's holding. Oh, wait, she's over here. Did she move? Well, she's over here now.

A (31:02)

Like that.

A (31:06)

Well, I guess Donna had been given the doll by her grandmother as, like, a graduation gift. She's like, thanks. I could really use money, though. But it's okay. She loved this doll, and she had an attachment to her. At first, Donna said that she sometimes noticed the doll would sometimes be indifferent, in a different position than when she left her. Like the doll had fallen over or, like, shifted slightly when she was out of the house. And it was like, okay, yeah, sure. It's. It's a. It's a doll. Maybe she blew over. I don't know. It made sense. But then the doll would be in different locations. Donna would leave it on the couch, and then it would end up back in her bedroom with the door closed when she came home. And the doll would be found in positions it could. Couldn't have fallen into. Like, her arms and legs were folded. Like, you know when you're pissed off and you fold your arms and stuff? That's how the doll would be. Like, set up. Or she'd be standing up. The doll? Yeah, like a person. I'd be like, hell no, doll. Throw that right out my window. Hell no. But Donna's roommate Angie, and even her friend Lou would notice these changes. Now, Lou, it was said, hated this doll. He always called her evil and implied that, like, she was creepy. After that, Donna and her roommates found notes around the house that said things like, help me or help Lou. Now, apparently, it wasn't either of the roommates, so they were. They were pretty freaked out, you know? So then one night, Donna is sleeping, and she went, mimi's sleeping in her bed, when suddenly she bolts up out of, like, a dead sleep. She looks around her room and apparently, allegedly finds her precious doll covered in blood.

A (33:05)

No, thank you. Grandma, why did you give me this doll? Murder doll. I don't know. Donna immediately thinks the blood belongs to, like, her roommates, but neither of them were hurt. That's when she's like, okay, this is a little too weird. It's getting creepy. I'm calling a medium. So a medium comes over. They do a seance.

A (33:27)

I don't know. I think that's what you do in A seance. They close their eyes and they talk to the spirits in the room. And this is when it's revealed that the doll is possessed by the spirit of a seven year old girl named Annabelle Higgins. Now, apparently, Annabelle was murdered as a little girl in the same location where Donna's apartment was. I guess Annabelle had communicated that she liked being around the girls. But Lou, he was a different story. She hated his ass. Now, Lou wasn't at the seance when this was happening. He was over at his apartment sleeping alone. It was said after the seance, he started having like a really bad dream, Almost like a night terror. And guess who makes an appearance in his night terror? Annabelle. Lou claims the doll climbs on top of him and starts choking him. I guess the doll keeps choking him to the point where he is paralyzed and can't move. Yeah. Even though he's dreaming, he says that it felt like a real out of body experience. Now, after this, he was so freaked out that he stayed away from the apartment for a while. While. A few days later though, Lou visits Donna and the roommates at the apartment because they were going on a trip together, so he kind of had to go there. And he walked into Donna's room thinking, like he heard her talking. So he gets in there, he's like, hello. It was Annabelle. Annabelle was in the room, I guess, waiting to attack his ass. He said he got like suddenly an overwhelming feeling and like super tight in his chest. Then he falls onto the ground and his stomach starts cramping. Then he said he felt pain all over his arms, like he was under attack. So the roommates, they run over to him and he's on the ground, like twisting and turning and like just moving funny. But he's like in a lot of pain, just on the ground. He's covered in bloody scratch marks.

A (35:24)

I don't like it. They rush him to the hospital and after a few days, he recovers. But for Donna, I guess it was the last straw. She ends up getting in contact with people who send over Ed and Lorraine Warren. So the Warrens, they come over and they talk with Donna, Lou, the roommates, everyone. And shockingly, they determine pretty quickly that the doll isn't possessed. Instead, they say that the doll is being manipulated by a spirit to get Donna's attention, not lose. The Warrens say Donna is in serious trouble. Apparently Annabelle had big plans to possess Donna, not the doll. Gasparella. I know. I was like, what? Ed tells them that the spirit was just in the infestation phase, meaning that the spirit is like in the doll, waiting to attack and possess someone else. Okay. But there was still time to save Donna. And as for Lou's scratches, Ed believes it was the mark of the beast. I mean, sure, okay. Because of that, they bring in a priest to perform an exorcism on the apartment. Okay? And so they do that. La la la. And it was successful. The girls thank Ed and Lorraine, and that was that. I guess I didn't have any more problems after that. So Ed and Lorraine, they decided to take Annabelle with them as like, a little souvenir and as a, like, a sign of Ed's power over evil spirits. So for a while, Ed had kept the doll, like, near his desk. Then they had, like, a special case built for it and everything to put in their occult museum. And they put, like, a giant warning sign on it that said, warning positively do not open. The doll is actually still in the museum today. Like, you can go visit it. Throughout the years, people have said that the story was a big joke. But apparently someone visited the occult museum specifically to see the doll, you know, and see if it was, like, really haunted. So they knocked on the glass and they spoke to it and taunted it a little bit like they're knocking on it. They're like, hey, little fucking red headed little fucking bitch. Whatever. They say, hey, you little freckle buck. And then allegedly, on the way back home from the museum, the visitor got into a car crash. Yeah. And died instantly. Now, his girlfriend was in the car with him. She survived and said that they had been joking about the doll right before the crash.

A (38:05)

Spooky. That's probably why he wasn't paying attention. They were probably laughing about the doll. He wasn't looking at the road, you know, or it was the doll. I don't know. And for that co worker who's always backed up and hogging the big bathroom stall at work, me boy, do I have a recommendation for you. No, it's not a bidet. Even though I would say get them a bidet. No, it's not an expensive probiotic, even though that would be nice. Instead, give the gift of history, of digestion. Give them a yogurt enema. Oh, yeah.

A (38:43)

Right up there. Inspired by the one and the only Dr. John Harvey Kellogg. Listen, after all the food you're gonna be eating and stuff this season, do a yogur enema. You'll get everything out. Allegedly. I don't know. Now, Kellogg believed that dairy was essential to having a healthy gut. So milk was turned into yogurt, butter, cottage cheese, all Kinds of stuff for the guests to eat. Yogurt was very important to Kellogg's diet. He said it could treat serious issues like chronic constipation, colitis, gastroenteritis, liver problems, anemia, Goiters. What the hell is goiters? Do you guys play animal crossings? Aren't those little creatures called goiters? No. Are they? I'm really into animal crossing again. Okay, the list goes on. He's saying it can cure all this stuff. Okay, but Dr. Kellogg didn't just suggest eating yogurt. No, no, no, no, no. Ideally, you would eat it, but also, you would. You would get yourself a yogurt enema.

A (39:54)

Creamy and thick right up the butt, and then just oozes out. Sounds like a cream pie. Isn't that called a cream pie? Yeah. What I do want to know, were the yogurt enemas a good thing? I will try and get back to you. I'm just kidding. But I am really curious. You probably can't use, like, a flavored yogurt, though, because I. At home, I have, like, you know, the vanilla yogurt. I probably shouldn't put that on my. But stay tuned. So this is a real thing? Yeah. Up the butt. You'd shoot up some yogurt up the butt? Kellogg also recommended his constipated patients that they should perform manual colon massages to keep everything moving between the douching and the prostate. Like rub downs. There are some clues here as to, like, why he didn't want to maybe sleep with his wife.

A (40:51)

Maybe. Yeah, It's a unique thought. I wonder. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I've got so many questions. I wish he were here. I would love to ask some questions. I love the idea of a holiday party, but when it comes down to it, I don't have anything to wear, so I can't come. Sorry. I look in my closet. Nothing. I have nothing to wear. So. So then what do I do? I, like, go online. I try and find some cute little outfits. Nope. Nope. Mm. Mm. And that's my story. But listen, everything's changed this year, and I'm going to some holiday parties because I've been using Stitch Fix. So now trying to find something to wear, oh, it's so much easier. Stitch Fix, if you don't know, is an online personal styling service. So if you want to get started, all you have to do is take, like, a quick style quiz about your style, your size, and your budget. You get matched with, like, a stylist who starts pulling pieces that fit Everything that you put in your little questionnaire thing, you get it. First of all, love the stylus, because they're not a robot. It's a real person. You know, so that's great. First of all. And, you know, they. They send me personalized pieces in the exact fit style, things I'd actually wear, and it just saves me so much time. The best part about my Fitbox is that there's no subscription required. You can use it, like, only when you need it. Plus, shipping and returns are always free. So skip the department store craziness this holiday season and give Stitch Fix a try. Get started today@stitch fix.com darkhistory to get $20 off your first order, and they'll waive your styling fee. That's stitchfix.com darkhistory for your friend who's into cottagecore. Yeah. You know, maybe they make their own sourdough brush, their lymph nodes. May I suggest a great gift would be a classic butter churn.

A (42:43)

Yeah. I mean, not only will it make butter, but also it will fight witches. Yeah. Your friend will be like, what? They won't see it coming. Okay, listen, in our Witches who Got Away episode, it was a butter churn that helped defeat witchcraft. And I think it could win you like the white elephant at your holiday party. I mean, just think about it. The story, the butter churn, and you can make butter out of it. Now, it all started with a woman named Joan.

A (43:16)

I know. I was like, Joan reincarnated. I don't know Joan. Well, this Joan was. Her name was Joan Wright. She was a midwife, a healer, and worst of all, she was left handed. Yep. Now, listen this. At the time, this was said to be the mark of the devil. The devil's secretaries, as they say. I guess in Latin, the word for right was dexter, as in dexterous, which meant skillful and blessed. And the word for left was sinister, as in sinister, cursed, evil. A little dramatic. Okay, so Joan, she was left handed. And it really didn't, like, impact her life at first. She was born in England in 1580s, and she worked as a dairy maid, you know, and no one was ever bringing up, like, hey, why are you milking that cow with your left hand? You know, no one really said anything, but she would spend a lot of her time churning butter, skimming milk, milking cows, making cheese. I don't know how you made. But, you know, that's what she was doing. Now, I guess over time, Joan's butter hadn't been, like, coming out quite right. And things Were getting a little tense at work. It's like, joan, what the fuck is up with your butter? So there was this one day where Joan, she's churning away while a woman shows up at our work asking for food. Okay? Now, back then, people were very paranoid that if you didn't give a beggar food, they might secretly be a witch who would then curse you. It's kind of snow white ish, you know? So people were, like, a little freaked out by beggars and would always give them something, anything you didn't want to curse. So Joan, she's, like, churning her butter and then she goes and she answers the door, but her boss, her boss was there. Her name was dame. So very dramatic woman. She throws herself, like, in front of the door and is like, joan, wait, she might be a witch. She might be responsible for this, like, terrible butter that you've been producing. So the two of them come up with a plan. The dame assumes that when the door opens, the beggar, AKA secret witch, is going to try to get her spectral hand in Joan's butter and then curse it.

A (45:47)

This part's a little funky, but this is what was said happened. As soon as the dame opens the door, she shouts at Joan to push down, like, on her butter, hard.

A (46:02)

Okay? So you know that part of the. When you're churning butter, it's called a staff. You know, very magical sounding, really. But I guess this move allegedly trapped the witch's spectral hand in the butter churn. Okay? Joan said in her diaries that this had, like, a crazy effect on the alleged witch. When this happened, the witch woman, she fell to her knees and begged for forgiveness. The woman said that her hand was indeed stuck inside the churn and she couldn't move it until, like, Joan lifted up her staff. Now, the dame, she probably made the witch, like, swear to stop messing with their butter and to not come back. Now, this whole event with the spectral witch hand, like, it stuck with Joan. Traumatic moment. You know, not only was it her first encounter with, like, an alleged witch, but in her mind, she had basically just used a butter churn to defeat Satan. You know, it's not really something you forget about. So, fast forward, Joan moves to Virginia, and she's in her late teens, like, early 20s. Once she's there, Joan marries a tobacco planter. She becomes a mom, and she tries to settle down and live a nice little colonial life. But all of that weird butter witchcraft comes back to haunt her. And finally, a gift for your friend who's going through their cowboy era. Cause everyone at some point in their life goes through a cowboy era. Okay? Your partner, your friend, whatever, okay? They do. So for this friend, okay, we can recommend a cowboy hat, Specifically Ronald Reagan's cowboy hat. How are you gonna get it? I don't know, but listen, he was a master at dressing for the job he wanted. He convinced America that he was a certified cowboy when he actually just was like an actor who worked on a western TV show. So he played one, but then he made it his whole personality. And I feel like a lot of people going through their cowboy era tend to do that too. So you could give them a green hat like Ronald Reagan had. I don't know. Between 1954 and 1962, he visited GE plants in 39 states and hundreds of thousands of people. And I mean, he was good at it because all those years as, like, president of the Screen Actors Guild had already put him in rooms with, like, important people. So he was just like, again, a good talker. People. Like, he was buddy buddy with the Department of Labor officials. He was friends with Californian politicians, the studios, union leaders, everyone liked the guy. And he was positioning himself perfectly to be a politician. But he never, like, straight up talked about politics. He would, like, you know, skirt around it. He'd be like, I love freedom. Freedom is great. American values. Love that hard work.

A (49:14)

Yeah, but that's like as deep as he went. You know, he never talked about, like, taxes, war, inequality, anything like that. Basically he was like, I'm not a politician. I'm just a concerned outsider with a great smile. Buy this toaster. Now, on top of all that, his look, people loved his look because he had this rugged western man, man of the people kind of vibe. Now he loved to dress like a cowboy. Oh, yes. Full blown denim shirts, leather boots, posing on horses like the Marlboro Man. And this became like the classic Reagan look. People were like, wow, he's like a true American, a real cowboy. Yee haw. But, you know, like, realistically, honestly, he wasn't a cowboy. He just, like, played one on TV one time, so. And that was like his new identity. Well, not one time. A couple of times. Because back in the 50s, he had done a bunch of westerns and B movies. One of them was called Cattle Queen of Montana. And in it he wore a cowboy hat and like, he rode a horse. And Hollywood trained him to walk and talk like a cowboy. So he basically went full, like, method, and he just never dropped the act. I think he liked it for some reason. Guys, I hate to stereotype here, but I feel like a lot of guys just kind of love the idea of being a cowboy. What's that about? Let me know down below. Maybe it's just the guys I've met, but there's something they like. I want to be a cowboys. What is that? Anyways, so Reagan, he was. He, at some point he realizes, like, it was really good for his brand because he became like a symbol of America. So all of this gets the attention of a famous conservative writer and TV host named William F. Buckley. So William sees potential in Reagan and he starts sending him like all these books, pamphlets and speeches about like politics. He's kind of like grooming him a little bit to like, hey, you should like get into politics. Nudge, nudge. So this William guy, he like, sees potential in Reagan and he's like, hey, this guy could be the future of the Republican Party. I mean, yeah, whatever. He doesn't have any political training, but he can be trained. I mean, he's clean cut, charismatic. America loves the guy. He looks like America if it was a person. I don't know. So Buckley starts grooming him. Not sexually. Well, that's it, everyone. I hope you have a happy holiday season, however you say celebrate. Don't forget to let me know how those gifts you get go over. Or maybe the dinner table talk, you know, did you bring up anything? The butter churning witches or, I don't know, let me know. Yogurt enemas, anyone? Hey, did you know Dark History is an audioboom original and I'm your host, Bailey Sarian. I hope you have a good day today. You make good choices, have a happy and safe new new year, and I'll be talking to you later. Goodbye.

C (53:01)

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