Episode Summary: "We Suck at Communicating Through Conflict"
De-Influenced with Dani + Jordan
Release Date: February 13, 2025
Hosts: Dani and Jordan Austin
Episode Title: We Suck at Communicating Through Conflict
In this candid episode of De-Influenced with Dani + Jordan, hosts Dani and Jordan Austin dive deep into the complexities of communication within their relationship, exploring how anger and resentment can impede effective dialogue. Drawing from over a decade of experience in the influencer industry and their personal journey through marriage counseling, the couple shares valuable insights, practical strategies, and heartfelt anecdotes to help listeners navigate their own conflicts.
1. Emotional Turmoil and the Suburban Move ([00:00] - [02:37])
The episode kicks off with Dani and Jordan expressing their heightened emotions, primarily anger and resentment. Jordan reveals his frustration stemming from their recent attempt to relocate to the suburbs, which was met with unexpected hostility from the local community.
Jordan Austin [00:30]: "I don’t think we can move to the suburbs. The suburbs genuinely do not want Danny and Jordan to live in them."
Dani reminisces about their excitement for a slower-paced life outside Dallas, only to face resistance that ultimately led them to abandon the move. This initial discussion sets the tone for the episode, highlighting the emotional strain they've been experiencing.
2. Gratitude Exercise and Underlying Resentments ([04:56] - [12:03])
To counterbalance their negative emotions, Dani and Jordan engage in a gratitude exercise. They each list three things they're thankful for, revealing both lighthearted and serious aspects of their lives.
Dani Austin [05:15]: "I am grateful for our chiropractor, Cynthia, who gave me a 90-minute massage..."
Jordan Austin [08:09]: "I’m thankful for the laugh I just had and being nominated for EY Entrepreneur of the Year."
However, this exercise also brings underlying resentments to the surface, prompting deeper reflections on their relationship dynamics.
3. Struggling with Communication ([14:00] - [42:44])
The crux of the episode revolves around Dani and Jordan's realization that they are "extremely bad at communicating through conflict." They discuss how their evolving selves have altered the dynamics of their relationship, making past communication strategies ineffective.
a. Lessons from Counseling ([14:00] - [16:08])
Having returned to marriage counseling, they identify their primary issue: ineffective communication during conflicts. Dani introduces six actionable tips they've learned to improve their interactions.
b. The Three V’s of Communication ([18:17] - [22:27])
Dani shares a pivotal concept from their therapy sessions about the components of communication: verbal, vocal, and visual.
Dani Austin [20:22]: "Words are 7%. They're basically nothing. Oh, your tone is 38%. Your body language is 55%."
This breakdown emphasizes the importance of non-verbal cues over spoken words, a revelation that reshapes how they approach conversations.
c. Practical Communication Tips ([25:07] - [42:44])
Dani elaborates on the following strategies:
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Listen to Understand, Not to Reply ([25:07] - [25:48])
- Instead of preparing a rebuttal, focus on truly understanding the other person's perspective.
Dani Austin [25:02]: "Listen to understand, not to reply."
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Set Goals for Conversations ([35:01] - [36:44])
- Define clear objectives before engaging in difficult discussions to stay focused and prevent 'kitchen sinking' (introducing multiple issues at once).
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Sharing Feelings vs. Sharing Thoughts ([40:00] - [42:44])
- Differentiate between expressing emotions ("I feel lonely") and making accusatory statements ("You're always forgetful").
Jordan acknowledges his tendency to overfill conversation gaps, often leading to disconnects.
Jordan Austin [38:20]: "Just sit and wait. Truly embrace the silence."
4. Addressing Codependency and Personal Growth ([43:34] - [55:26])
The conversation shifts to exploring codependency within their relationship. Jordan discusses his decision to attend a healing retreat in Tennessee to address his codependent tendencies.
Jordan Austin [44:21]: "Codependency is, like, an example of... I want Danny to be happy. And if Danny is not happy..."
They examine how his attempts to support Dani sometimes inadvertently hinder her autonomy, leading to a deeper understanding of their interdependent dynamics.
5. Lighthearted Conversations and Pop Culture ([56:07] - [74:10])
After delving into serious topics, Dani and Jordan lighten the mood by discussing upcoming Super Bowl plans and engaging in playful banter about celebrities and pop culture events.
a. Super Bowl Plans ([56:07] - [57:09])
They talk about attending friends' gatherings and brainstorming snack ideas, introducing humor into their discussion.
b. Gen Z Personas ([70:28] - [74:10])
Jordan shares insights from an article dissecting Gen Z into three personas:
- Neo Traditionalists (29%): Value stability and traditional lifestyles.
- Fluid Pragmatists (33%): Seek financial independence and work-life balance.
- Internet Age Explorers (38%): Embrace exploration and remote work.
Jordan Austin [73:17]: "There’s three buckets of Gen Z Personas. The Neo Traditionalist, the Fluid Pragmatist, and the Internet Age Explorers."
They challenge generational stereotypes, advocating for understanding and kindness across age groups.
6. Matt and Rachel's Breakup Discussion ([62:34] - [71:12])
Dani and Jordan delve into the breakup of Matt and Rachel, analyzing public perceptions and their personal insights into the dynamics that led to the split. They emphasize the importance of aligning life goals and maintaining open communication to sustain relationships.
Dani Austin [63:05]: "When I talked when I was around Matt, the one thing I will say is I just felt like he was kind of reminded me of my brother, like five years ago."
7. Closing Remarks and Final Reflections ([74:02] - [74:26])
The episode wraps up with Dani and Jordan encouraging listeners to engage with them on social media and teasing future discussions. They reinforce the episode's main theme: the ongoing journey to improve communication and understanding within relationships.
Notable Quotes:
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"Listen to understand, not to reply."
Dani Austin [25:02] -
"Words are 7%. They're basically nothing. Oh, your tone is 38%. Your body language is 55%."
Dani Austin [20:22] -
"Codependency is, like, an example of... I want Danny to be happy. And if Danny is not happy..."
Jordan Austin [44:21] -
"We’re really trying to be supportive but sometimes end up taking away your power to solve your own problems."
Jordan Austin [51:38]
This episode offers a raw and honest exploration of the intricacies of communication and personal growth within a committed relationship. Dani and Jordan's transparency provides listeners with relatable scenarios and actionable strategies to enhance their own interpersonal interactions.