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- [00:00]
Chelsea Handler
Television has gotten really complicated, hasn't it? With so many apps, services and live tv you can end up scrolling all day long just to figure out what to watch. I've been there. So that's what's so great about DirecTV. It is hassle free. DirecTV is a better way to watch whatever you want to watch. You get all your apps, live TV and even new recommendations on one home screen. And that means you don't have to plug in passwords over and over. DirecTV is available without a satellite. You can stream all your favorite shows. Sign up for DirecTV today@directtv.com you guys know that I love Doug and if you have pets you get it. You want to give them the best. Just Food for Dogs has Doug wagging his tail and excited for mealtimes. I love that Just Food for Dogs meals is made with real human grade ingredients. No weird fillers or mystery meat. It is vet formulated, fresh and backed by science. Feeding your dogs should be simple. Go to justfoodfordogs.com right now to get 50% off. Your first order to try it for yourself. That's justfoodfordogs.com for 50% off.
- [01:08]
T-Mobile Representative
Unlike what you're listening to, T Mobile's coverage is no joke because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network switch. Now keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off at the $800 per line via prepaid cart. Visit your local T Mobile location or or learn more@t mobile.com keepandswitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card allowed 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service port in 90 plus days device ineligible carrier and timely redemption required Card has no cash access and expires in six months.
- [01:37]
Chelsea Handler
A mother's love deserves a gift like no other. Celebrate her love, strength and style with heartfelt jewelry from Pandora. From iconic charms to sparkling necklaces, rings, earrings and more, there are so many ways to say thank you Mom. Pandora even has in store engraving so you can treat your mom to a trip to the store and have your pieces engraved together with your own handwriting. So on Mother's Day and every day, tell her how much she means to you with a gift from Pandora. Visit Pandora in store or online@pandora.net welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea Handjob where we do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families. Welcome to my office. Hi Katherine, how are you?
- [02:24]
Katherine
Hi Chelsea. I want to jump right in with our callers today which are Rachel and Leah. Rachel is the one writing in, and she says, dear Chelsea, I could really use some advice. About two months ago, I met a woman at a party, and we fell hard for each other. It turns out she is polyamorous and married with a child. She's 36, and I'm 28. Traditionally, I'd never go for someone who was in a situation like this, but I couldn't help myself. We have such a deep connection, and she makes me so happy. She's also a rabbi, which is so meaningful to me because I'm Jewish. The thing is, she isn't out as polyamorous to her congregation, so we could never go public. Also, my boss happens to be in her congregation. Super weird coincidence. Additionally, I'm not 100% on board with calling a woman with a husband and child my girlfriend. Let's call her Leah for these purposes. I was at her house earlier this week and had to leave because her husband was coming home, and I couldn't fathom meeting him. I fear that if I were to meet him, I would feel really sad and ultimately freak out and break things off with Leah or fall in love with him, too. It just seems potentially messy. Dating people who are unavailable is typically my pattern, and I recognize that Leah falls into the category of people who are unavailable. I'm at the point where I want to date other people, but I still want to date Leah. I'm scared of getting hurt, but I don't want to let go of my connection with her. How do I go about this without hurting my heart? And still having fun? Thank you so much, Rachel.
- [03:45]
Chelsea Handler
Hi, Rachel and Leah.
- [03:46]
Rachel
Hi, Chelsea and Katherine.
- [03:48]
Chelsea Handler
Hi. Hi, you guys. Okay, let's recap. Rachel, you're polyamorous.
- [03:56]
Leah
No, that would be cool.
- [03:58]
Chelsea Handler
Leah is polyamorous. Leah, you're polyamorous. And you're a rabbi.
- [04:03]
Leah
Yeah.
- [04:03]
Chelsea Handler
Okay. And your husband knows you're polyamorous, obviously.
- [04:06]
Leah
Yeah, he is, too.
- [04:07]
Chelsea Handler
He is too. Okay, wonderful. Great. But you're just not out to your congregation, Right? And then Rachel. So you're not polyamorous, but now you're looking to be polyamorous because you want to date Leah and other people, Right?
- [04:20]
Rachel
I mean, I. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. At that point. I, I, I want. I can't. I can't fathom not dating Leah. But I'm also trying to find my person as a monogamous person. So I guess I'm here trying to figure out where I can go from here, and I'm really struggling with that.
- [04:46]
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I Can imagine. How. How did you guys meet? At temple.
- [04:51]
Leah
Oh, that was crazy. No, we met at a party. It was a really cute party just for women. Rachel rhinestoned my face and we smoked a joint together and it was really cute.
- [05:05]
Chelsea Handler
Okay, well, I need to go to your synagogue because it sounds pretty modern. No, that wasn't a synagogue part. I know, I know, I know. I'm just saying. You're right.
- [05:12]
Katherine
We just.
- [05:13]
Leah
Because I'm at the synagogue. Fair enough.
- [05:14]
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. You're polyamorous, you're smoking pot. Like all of these things are lining up. Okay, and Rachel, are you. Are you both bisexual or. Rachel, are you a lesbian?
- [05:24]
Rachel
I'm bisexual.
- [05:26]
Chelsea Handler
You're bisexual. Okay, so you're looking for your partner, whether that be a man or woman.
- [05:30]
Rachel
Right.
- [05:31]
Chelsea Handler
Okay, great. Well, this is very interesting, you guys. I like this. This is multi layered. I mean, Rachel, I would never say, like, I think with someone like Leah, who's a rabbi and who do you go to? Her congreg congregation? No, no. Okay.
- [05:47]
Leah
I would never date someone in my congregation, for the record.
- [05:50]
Chelsea Handler
Okay.
- [05:50]
Leah
Never.
- [05:50]
Chelsea Handler
Okay, copy that. Copy that. I think you know what the rules are. So it's a very good experiment for you and you should look at it as such. Like, I understand there are emotions involved and feelings involved and you haven't necessarily been in this kind of dynamic before. Is that correct? Yeah. Right. So I think this is a huge opportunity for you. Like, it's an opportunity to learn and grow. You and Leah can have this relationship that you have with the understanding you have all the information. So it's not like you're getting, you know, like all of a sudden you're finding out, you know, you're six months in, you're in love with someone and you find out, oh my God, they're married, they're this and that. No, you have all the information here to protect your emotions. So it's up to you to kind of do that job and say, okay, this is never going to amount to a marriage or, you know, a person. Like a primary partner. You're a primary partner. Right. This is going to amount to. It could be a huge growing and learning experience for you, which I think it will be. And. And no one's being dishonest. So that's the biggest advantage so far is that all the honesty's out on the table. And you're also looking for your person. And while you have Leah in your life, like, that's not going to prevent you from looking that person. If you do you feel like you have Fallen in love with Leah already.
- [07:08]
Rachel
I really love her and I definitely think that we're on that track. Yeah, I guess I'm finding it difficult to be emotionally available to other people while I have all of this love and time and energy that I'm spilling into someone who ultimately could never be my primary partner.
- [07:32]
Chelsea Handler
Okay, so does that make you think maybe you shouldn't be involved with Leah at all? Like you can't handle both of those things?
- [07:39]
Rachel
No, no. I want to figure out and work on ways where I can handle both of those things because I do love her so much and I don't ever want to not be romantically involved with her.
- [07:54]
Katherine
I feel like this is sort of a follow your bliss moment. Like, I know you want to find your primary partner. I know you want to find, like the one. But right now maybe it's okay to just let this be what it is and not try put all your energy in two places.
- [08:10]
Leah
Right.
- [08:10]
Katherine
We can't serve two masters. I think there's something about that maybe somewhere in the. Oh, that's New Testament. Never mind. But maybe right now you're just like having this really wonderful experience and let it be what it is. And when and if you feel like that needs to change and you need to find another partner, then like, then you move toward that.
- [08:30]
Rachel
Yeah.
- [08:34]
Chelsea Handler
It seems like there's a new streaming app every day, right? And there are already too many to keep track of. And that's not even counting live tv. You can end up scrolling all day just to figure out what to watch. That is what's so great about DirecTV. Because it is hassle free. DirecTV is a better way to watch whatever you want to watch. You get to actually watch all the great TV shows instead of just searching for them. It's pretty brilliant. DirecTV brings everyone onto one home screen so you can see all your options at once. I'm talking about all your apps and live TV and all your favorite shows and even new recommendations based on stuff you've liked before. So there's never any app switching, which also means you don't have to plug in passwords over and over every time you switch. There are a lot of good TV shows out there now, so DirecTV makes it easy to enjoy. And in case you didn't know, DirecTV is available without a satellite. You can stream your favorite shows. There is no reason to wait. Go ahead and sign up for DirecTV today@directv.com. you guys know that I love Doug and if you have pets, you get it. You want to give them the best and Just Food for Dogs has Doug wagging his tail and excited for mealtimes. He can be a picky eater, but I think we finally have a solution. It is so convenient that I can give him fresh meals from their frozen selection or if I don't want to take up the space in my freezer, they have packaged meals that are just as delicious. I love that Just Food for Dogs meals is made with real human grade ingredients and I can actually see the beef, the potatoes, green beans and apples in his food. No weird fillers or mystery meat. It is vet formulated, fresh and backed by science. I love spoiling Doug and Just Food for Dogs is a perfect way to do that while keeping him healthy, his coat shiny and his poops tiny. A win for everyone. Feeding your dogs should be simple. Go to justfoodfordogs.com right now to get 50% off your first order to try it for yourself. That's justfoodfordogs.com for 50% off.
- [10:36]
LifeLock Representative
It's tax season and by now I know we're all a bit tired of numbers. But here's an important one you need to hear $16.5 billion. That's how much money in refunds the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Here's another 20%. That's the overall increase in identity theft related to tax fraud in 2024 alone. But it's not all grim news. Here's a good 100 million. That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, LifeLock's US based restoration specialists will fix it, backed by another good number, the million dollar protection plan. In fact, restoration is guaranteed or your money back. Don't face identity theft and financial losses alone. There's strength in numbers with Lifelock identity theft protection for tax season and beyond. Join now and save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off. Terms apply.
- [11:37]
T-Mobile Representative
Unlike what you're listening to, T Mobile's coverage is no joke because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network switch. Now keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off up to $800 per line via prepaid card. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com KeepAndSwitch up to four lines of your virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service report in 90 plus days, device ineligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card is no cash access and expires in six months.
- [12:07]
Chelsea Handler
What are your major concerns? You're concerned about protecting your emotions. Is that your number one, like, fear? Yeah. Okay, well, when you have the truth right before you, it's your decision. Like, there's nothing here that's not protecting your emotions is what I'm saying. Everything is set up to protect your emotions because you know what the situation is. So, like, you have such a huge advantage. It's not like you're finding out. It's not like, you know, you're being blindsided. You know what you're getting into. And it's okay to fall in love with someone that's unavailable in a polyamorous situation. That's okay because you're also gonna fall in love with other people in your life. And just because you're in love with this person doesn't prevent you from falling in love. That's like an idea that we put in our minds. You know, you're not living together and also seeking someone out. You know, that would be something else. It's not like, oh, I have a whole life with him, but I'm still trying to meet someone else. You. She has a whole life separate from you. She has a husband, and I'm assuming she has a family, too. Do you have children, Leah?
- [13:11]
Leah
I have a kid. Yeah.
- [13:12]
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Okay, so there you have it. How integrated is she allowed to, like, how do you and your husband have your relationship set up with, like, your other partners and your other lovers? Like, how integrated can Rachel become in your life?
- [13:26]
Leah
He is down to meet her. I think my best case scenario one day, if I could get my wildest fantasy, would be that she becomes like, you know, a close family friend. Like, that's how it feels for everyone in my family. Except for for me, obviously, it's beyond that. But she does not want to meet him yet. Or slash, maybe at all, which I totally understand and respect. Honestly. Like, it. When you identify as polyamorous, it is sometimes like, an initial challenge or, like, emotionally slightly complicated to meet a partner's other partner. And then if you, like, don't even identify as poly, like, oh, my gosh, that must be. I don't even know. I don't know how you're doing it, Rachel. So.
- [14:15]
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, right. It would be. But I wouldn't put a never on anything, you know, like, you don't want to meet him now, fine, you don't have to. But down the road, you might change your Mind, you probably will, and you probably will, depending on your own situation and what happens with your situation and who you end up seeing and dating. I wouldn't put a pin in any of that either. But I wouldn't be so aggressively in any direction. I would say to Rachel, just, like, enjoy what's happening. Enjoy your relationship with Leah. It's not a secret. That's a lifestyle that she's chosen. It might be a lifestyle that you choose also, or you might meet someone and then decide, oh, this isn't the way that. Or they might not be okay with it. They don't want you to have another lover, and then maybe that time will come and you'll have to make that decision. But I wouldn't put so much pressure on protecting your emotions. You have all the information that is your protection, and you should look at it as like a power. You know what I mean? Like, think of that. Like, no one's lying to you. So right there, you're in a powerful position to choose what you're willing, what you want. You know, do you want this? Can you handle her being with a husband? Can you handle that? Like, what do you think when you think about that in the long term of things, say you guys do fall madly in love and she is still married. How does that. How do you see that playing out? What do you think of that? Do you think that's something that you can handle right now?
- [15:36]
Rachel
Absolutely not in the future, potentially. I just, I think of her and her husband and I, like, I freak out. I get so sad. I get so sad. And I think in my head, wow, Leah is giving her love to someone who is not me. And that fucking sucks.
- [15:57]
Chelsea Handler
Right? Well, that makes, that makes it sound like, yeah, you might not be able to handle that situation because you are going to be too jealous. And, and, and, and, you know, and that means you're probably not polyamorous. What thoughts have you given to being polyamorous?
- [16:12]
Rachel
I've never thought about being polyamorous until I started dating Lia two months ago, so. Or I guess three months ago now. And I've been on a few dates with people since. And a defining factor now, and I haven't really talked to you about this before, Leah, but it's, you know, is someone. Would someone be down with me having a girlfriend or dating someone else or, you know, would that person be open to polyamory with this specific person who I really love? I. I'm not closing off any options. And, and like you said, Chelsea, I'm. I'm I'm focusing on staying in the moment and staying present and being present. Because anytime I go and I spiral and my emotions get the most of me, I have to check back in with myself, take a few breaths and remind myself this is. It's. It's practicing being in the moment. It's practicing being here now. Because when I'm here now and I check in with myself, I'm like, everything's great. I am really happy, and I'm with someone who makes me really happy, and everything's going to be fine. So I think that if I continue to check back in with myself and remind myself that I'm okay, then it's going to be okay down the line. Because I've come to terms in many ways that we will never, you know, get married or have children together, and Leah will never be my primary partner.
- [17:47]
Katherine
I think one of the things you should take from this call is that it's okay to let yourself enjoy this for what it is right now. And checking in with yourself is the best way to do that. And, like, making sure that that's still the loudest voice. And then when there is a louder voice about, like, it's time to move on, or it's time to find, like, a monogamous relationship. When and if that time comes, once that is louder, then you know, it's time to make a change. But I think you're okay to, like, let yourself enjoy this for a while. Cause you both seem really happy and glowy, and you're in the throes of things, and I think you'll know when and if it's time to move on.
- [18:22]
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I think you answered everything I was asking. Rachel, I think you really are enjoying yourself. Being present, being in the moment. When it becomes. If. If it becomes emotionally tumultuous for you, then yes, then that's a time where you have to go, okay, maybe I need a timeout or maybe I need to break this off. But I would say just go for it right now. It's a huge, like, expansive experience that you're having with someone. It's been a couple months. Have fun. Enjoy it. You know what the rules are. Play the game and enjoy yourself. And just take it one step at a time. And be mindful of where your head is at, you know? And if it becomes too overwhelming for you, make sure that you're checking in with that, too. And then that's fine. And I'm sure Leah will be respectful of that if and when that does happen. Yeah.
- [19:08]
Rachel
Yeah. Thank you. That is the way to go about it. Because this is so special and I don't want to give up on this or leave this. I would like to continue to check in with myself and see where this can go.
- [19:21]
Leah
My dream is to be her bridesmaid one day.
- [19:25]
Chelsea Handler
Okay. Well, I'm very excited about the possibilities and the outcome of this and where this goes. I mean, in a perfect world, you'll find a partner. They'll be polyamorous, you'll all be polyamorous, and you can live a happily ever after life with just like two partners, each of you. And then like, great, then we're really evolving. Yeah.
- [19:42]
Leah
Thank you.
- [19:42]
Chelsea Handler
Okay.
- [19:43]
Katherine
All right, keep us posted. Okay.
- [19:44]
Chelsea Handler
Take care, you two.
- [19:46]
Rachel
Thank you, Chelsea and Katherine.
- [19:48]
Chelsea Handler
Thank you. Bye. Do do do do do do. Drum roll. Catherine, please. Chelsea Handler Abroad Abroad is my European tour, so I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the hell out of this fucking country and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Reykjavik. I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the uk. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.
- [20:36]
Katherine
That sounds like fun. I'm gonna go see you abroad.
- [20:38]
Chelsea Handler
I know I want to go see me abroad. And there I'll be. There I'll be excellent.
- [20:44]
Katherine
Do you want advice from Chelsea? Write in to dearchelseapodcastmail.com Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching earchelseapod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert Executive Producer Kathryn Law. And be sure to check out our merch@chelseahandler.com youm guys know that I love.
- [21:05]
Chelsea Handler
Doug and if you have pets, you get it. You want to give them the best. Just Food for Dogs has Doug wagging his tail and excited for mealtimes. I love that Just Food for Dogs meals is made with real human grade ingredients. No weird fillers or mystery meat. It is vet formulated, fresh and backed by science. Feeding your dogs should be simple. Go to justfoodfordogs.com right now to get 50% off your first order to try it for yourself. That's justfoodfordogs.com for 50% off.
- [21:36]
Target Representative
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- [22:05]
LifeLock Representative
It's tax season, and by now I know we're all a bit tired of numbers, but here's an important one you need to hear $16.5 billion. That's how much money in refunds the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Here's another 20%. That's the overall increase in identity theft related to tax fraud in 2024 alone. But it's not all grim news. Here's a good number. 100 million. That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, LifeLock's US based restoration specialists will fix it, backed by another good number, the Million Dollar Protection Plan. In fact, restoration is guaranteed or your money back. Don't face identity theft and financial losses alone. There's strength in numbers with Lifelock Identity theft protection for tax season and beyond. Join now and save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off. Terms apply.
- [23:06]
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