← Decoded | Unlock The Secrets of Human Behavior, Emotion and Motivation
Decoded | Unlock The Secrets of Human Behavior, Emotion and Motivation
When ‘Good Parenting’ Breaks Your Kid’s Brain: The Hidden Damage of Conscious Parenting
01:33:43
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- [00:00]
Parenting Expert
Give age appropriate truth for why you failed. Your child can learn a lot more and be a much better human by learning why you failed than being like, mommy tried her best. If you teach the child that they can experience pain at your hands by your mistake or your lack of effort and you can explain away by saying that you tried your best, do you think they're going to be tempted to go do that for the rest of their lives? We need to stop languaging and, excuse me, made a mistake. We also need to stop pretending that we didn't make a mistake. Languaging the excuse is going to create a rejection pattern. Pretending there wasn't even a mistake in the first place is going to create an abandonment pattern.
- [00:40]
Sponsor/Advertiser
Your brain is wired for deception. But here's the truth. Patterns can be broken. The code can be rewritten. Once you hear the truth, you can't go back. So the only question is, are you ready to listen?
- [00:56]
Parenting Expert
What I'm sharing with you today is a laundry list of sorts, of every parenting process that you might have tricked yourself into believing was just inherently great, that actually is doing more harm than you could ever imagine. Today isn't a talk about trauma, abuse, discipline. These are all the things that you actually believe you're doing in opposition to the way your parents parented you that are doing equal harm, or in many cases, actually worse harm. I want everyone to go into this being equipped to not take it personally. Every single one of us that's a parent is going to have a few of these laundry list items that we're going to have to look in the mirror and be like, I'm totally doing this for each of us. It's going to be varying degrees, but I guarantee you, every single parent in this room has done at least one of these things, if not the majority of the list, especially if you perceive any sort of trauma in your upbringing, because that's how the pendulum works. If something happens to you that you perceive to be bad or dishonoring or disempowering, it is our natural reflex to then try to go the opposite direction. But when we are talking about the formation of a child's brain, we can select an opposite that actually does the same level of harm. It just manifests with different symptoms. I also want to remind you that the break method perspective is to take responsibility for and start to change. Rather than sit there, pout, regret, replay, feel ashamed. All of those things are disempowering. We're here to say, okay, I did that, and here's the solution. Here's the step that I'm going to take to move into this new way of doing it so that I'm not actually simmering in the regret or the remorse. Regret or remorse doesn't have momentum in break method. We always want to have momentum because momentum heals. Replaying and remorse keeps things exactly the same and often makes things worse. Raise your hand if you actively tried to parent differently than you were parented. Okay. And now, just so that I can get a sense of it, how many people are parents? Okay. See how that was like, almost exactly the same. How many of you that just raised your hand, even if you really tried to go, like the exact opposite, still had moments where you're like, and I am being my parent right now. All the same people, it's got at least happen every once in a while where literally you're doing something on autopilot and you're like, become my father. And you're, like, trying to go backwards. I can't believe I just did that. This isn't something that we have control over in the grand scheme of things. A lot of these behaviors are coming from our ACB pathway. Our ACB pathway is firing from our subconscious. If we haven't done the work to figure out all the ways that our subconscious is just going to reflexively respond to our kids or to. To how our child did in a school testing environment, how a child decides to handle if all of a sudden they don't get the role on the football team that they wanted, all of a sudden we go into fear or we feel bad for our child. Right. We feel sadness. As soon as we're pushed into those emotions that are typically loving, protective, mama bear, papa bear, all of a sudden, all the work that we just sit and break can go completely flying out the window. Okay, who's seen Daddy's Home?
- [04:42]
Audience Member
Oh, yes, guys.
- [04:43]
Parenting Expert
The funniest movie ever. I wanna. I would love to see that show of hands change next time. That's a great movie. Yeah. Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell, where the little kids getting, you know, he's saying the fourth graders push me down on my bike again, and they're trying to figure out how to deal with it. And this is a great example, you guys, of the two sides of the pendulum. Stepdad is like, I think you should just role play some conflict resolution and do some trust falls. And Mark Wahlberg's like, I think you need to kick him in the nuts. And the mom's kind of there, like, I'm kind of deciding on the nut Kicking really. If we're being honest, this sort of pendulum swing is really what we're all dealing with. As soon as we're activated into protection, we have to be able to objectively look at all the structures, processes or habits we've created in our home with our children that might seem like they're the kinder, more supportive, hey, more conscious decision. What is the end result of that? Because I'm here to tell you I've dealt with the 40, 50, 60 year old version of the way you're parenting your child. It's not good, you guys, not good. Anything that made its way onto this list, it's really worth taking note of. I promise I wouldn't just share it just because I want to make people uncomfortable. Although it is really enjoyable for me. Might be one of my favorite things to do in break. Really keystone understanding of break is that input equals output. Whatever happened to us in our childhood in terms of what we were perceiving is going to dictate the output of our behavior, our choices, and how we're then going to label our environment. It is going to shape the way our subconscious experiences reality. What often happens is that when the child becomes the parent and the parent tries to oppose, we kind of give ourselves all these passes and internal justifications and rationalizations like, well, at least I'm not abusive. Sure, honey, you can have that 150th snack before dinner. Yeah, totally. Go get that snack. Meanwhile, in your mind, you're like, my parents neglected me for hours. I never got to eat. I was a latchkey kid. And now your child's, I don't know, dabbling in obesity because you give them the 150th snack because you felt bad that you were neglecting a latchkey kid. That's how the pendulum swing can work sometimes. When we get told no over and over and over again, what do we do to our children? Yes, yes, yes. You come an absolute yes. Man. I want to reiterate as we go through this, especially because I'm going to be staring at my husband while delivering this entire lecture. These are the 12 parenting fails you probably thought were the right thing, number one. And tell me with a raise of hands, who has suffered from this one being chill? Are you the chill parent?
- [07:37]
Audience Member
I am the chill parent.
- [07:39]
Parenting Expert
Woo, you guys, it's a doozy. Being chill can cause a lot of problems. And we have to keep in mind that this is about balance, right? It's fine to have moments of chill, but when you are the chill parent and Everything's about spontaneity. Go with the flow. This is really about me. It can create massive instability. Those of you that watched source belief etiologies, we talked about how it is that you can have a rejection origin pattern even if you were abused, so long as the abuse was consistent. How about that? Your brain can feel safe as long as it knows I always get abused. What happens to the brain when you sometimes get abused and sometimes you get praised and then sometimes you're at mom's house or sometimes you're at dad's house and it's constantly changing and you don't know what to expect. That's when you turn abandonment. But even somebody who was consistently abused, let's even use Christian biblical abuse, throughout their childhood, they're almost likely to always have a rejection based origin wound because their brain actually still perceived safety in its environment. Safety doesn't mean you're not in fear. Safety means to your brain, it knows what to expect. What we see here, which is typically the opposite of exactly what I just described, actually puts your children into a complete unstable tailspin. Their brain doesn't know who to trust, what is happening, and even if it seems like your child likes it, right, they're not complaining about it. About age 10, 11, 12, you're going to start to notice a major shift in their personality and probably a massive rift between you, dad and child because they don't trust you at all. They can love you, they can be affectionate towards you, but deep down they don't actually trust a word that's coming out of your mouth. Any commitment that you make when, and I've even seen this with my daughter, I had to travel all the time when she was a little kid for work. Even still, if I say, okay, I'm going to take care of that, she'll remind me, no joke, 50 times and she'll be like. And I'm like, yeah, you can laugh, but it's because I've created an instability wound. You don't actually trust that I'm going to give the field trip form. And she's like, that's correct in her sign language. I in fact do not trust you at all. To deliver the field trip form, she'll sit there and micromanage it the whole way and remind me, thanks a lot. This is why I'm saying, I'm not saying this from the pedestal, I'm saying this from the reality of it doesn't take much to create this being chill. I'll give you another example. When I Was working all the time. I didn't really have any sort of prioritization in my mind about getting to school on time because one of the only times I got to spend with the kids was in the morning at breakfast. I'd be there, oh, let them sleep in. Kids will be kids. I'm in there like, shit, chefing up crepes and stuff, got music blasting. My son loves it because he's a rejection one. He just like, wants the attention, validation, the hugs and snuggles. My daughter was like, mom, I don't give a shit about the crepes. Like, I want to be at school on time. My hair looks like crap. My backpack doesn't have my homework. And I'm like, oh, chill out. It's gonna be fine. You're only seven. Being chill has a really bad side effect of creating a incredible lack of trust in your child's ability to believe you when you say you're gonna do something. To believe that you will care for them or be there to pick up the pieces if something goes wrong. And what you are creating is abandoned. Hold it all together. Can everyone really sit with that one for a second? Do any of you see how you've created an abandoned hold it all together child? Yes.
- [11:26]
Audience Member
Yes.
- [11:27]
Parenting Expert
Raise your hand and own it if you've done it. I'm repeating that. Jess is like me back here, whose is in break right now. Yes. And that's correct. He has abandoned, holds it all together and he's fantastic. A good upside of abandonholted altogether is they're usually real go getters, okay? Because they don't trust anybody else except themselves. So usually they've got a great life trajectory with work, intimate relationships where everything really just starts to fall apart. But don't worry, there's a solution for that. It's called break method. Breakmethod.com guys, so this is a perfect example of overly structured. Every single T crossed. I dotted hospital corners. No room for any sort of change in spontaneity. That creates a problem. Right? This also creates a problem. Who wants to highlight what some things of balance might be in the middle, being out of time. Okay? Right. Caring about time, caring about cleanliness, caring about the way a child is presenting at school. I'll give you an example. My mom had borderline personality disorder. I've shared this, I'm sure, on multiple lectures. There were so many times that I look back at pictures and I'm like, were you trying to make me look ugly? You didn't want to brush my hair? You didn't want to, I don't know, do a legitimate ponytail. What were you doing? Was it sabotage? I think so. Josewa bows, right? That was happening in my daughter's kindergarten days. Everyone would have these bows. Their outfits match their backpack and they had little, like, notes in their lunchboxes. And I was like, I am just trying to get you to school, like 10 minutes late. Okay? They've got matching bows to their shoes. You're getting to school. That's good, right? That's good enough. We have to understand our child's needs and what items they need checked off consistently to feel safe. That is going to come from looking at your child's origin, source, belief, pattern. My son doesn't care about any of the stuff that my daughter does. It doesn't make him feel loved. It doesn't make him feel safe. But if my son suddenly stops getting hugs and snuggles and head rubs and told that he's wonderful and that I love him and he's not going to feel safe, my daughter couldn't care. It's not what makes her tick. She wants to be on time. She wants to have her homework done. She wants to have her clothes in order. She wants help doing the things that she can't physically do because she's got cp. She's all about order and wanting to present a certain way and to be timely and to have quality in the things that she's producing. My son, not a quality person, probably won't be ever, if we're honest. He's a lover, he is assertive, he is a fantastic communicator. But when it comes to all the things that make my daughter feel safe, he has none of those. We have to look at this and say, what is balanced for my child? What are the items that need to be checked off and consistent for my child? And here's the key piece. You need to be able to do the work within yourself to know where your trigger pattern is so that you can find moments of spontaneity. Spontaneity is important. Your children need to understand how to have things actually go south on them and learn how to still have confidence to move into the spontaneity instead of having to have the structure. But to do that, you have to create a really solid structure. You can't have nothing. You have to have a solid structure. And they have to see you as the example when things don't go well. You can't lash out for, freak out and be like, f at all. Now we're not going to go at all. They need to see, like, okay, well, this is how we pivot. And you walk through the example, and then they're like, sweet. So that time, if that happens to me, like, I'm going to pivot. It's going to be great. But you have to have the foundation for them to realize when things do go in a way that wasn't expected, they know how to pivot, and they know how to pivot with their emotional faculties about them. Does that make sense for everybody, for all of you chill moms out there realizing that you need to actually create more structure and repetition.
- [15:44]
Audience Member
I've been unchilled for a while now, and it's hard.
- [15:48]
Parenting Expert
It's really hard to pivot from chill to not chill. Because the part of your brain that really wants to oppose how you were parented or if you hold it all together, your brain's gonna make it feel like other things are a priority. Yeah, it's a doozy. They usually go hand in hand. But I'll speak to y' all as if you're two different groups. So hold it all together is going to trick you into believing that it's better just to go chill. Go easy on them right now, because these other fires are more important to put out right now. But I'm here to tell you, there's no other important fire than your children's brain development. Right. Otherwise, we'd be having a whole room here of your future children and break. And I would love to avoid that. Anyone else? Yeah. Okay. Trying your best. And I mean this as a parent. How many people that have ever been in break. Small group, heard a excuse come out of somebody's mouth? Like, well, my parent was really. They were trying their best. Like, they just kind of described a horrifying trauma. They're like, you know, but here's the example of one person that at first described her childhood as, like, basically totally normal. Nothing to see there, totally stable. Right. And then she starts talking about something else. And I was like, wait, you lived in foster care? And she was like, yeah. So, I mean, like, I guess I lived in foster care from, I don't know, like, age 2 to 6. I'm like, so during your most formative brain development years? Yeah, I guess, you know, my mom just, like, snapped one day and dropped me off, and I went from foster home to foster home, but, like, you know, she was an immigrant. And I was like, hold on. Do you want me to stop and replay the tape? And she was like, what? I was like, you honestly believe that it's okay that you went from foster home to foster home to foster home because your mom was an immigrant. Like, that's a story that you've told yourself that that excuses everything. And she was like, did I say that? And I was like, yeah, that's actually the order. You just went down that pathway. And I'm like, so explain to me the thinking behind. Like, well, she was an immigrant. She's like, well, I don't even know what I'm saying. And I was like, what country is she from? Did she come here out of some major turmoil, trauma? Did she come from some African country where a warlord? And she's like, she just immigrated here from Taiwan with her family. I don't even know. Is she first generation, second generation? I was like, oh, hold up. Let's go backwards. You have made an excuse in your mind about why she was doing her best, given her background, which justifies you pretending that you had a perfect childhood and that you didn't go from foster to foster to foster for the four most pivotal years of your brain development. She's like, I see what you did there. I'm in a bad situation. I was like, yeah, you are. But our brains do this all the time. We can do this. Like, well, they were doing their best. They were doing their best. You know who probably programmed that into you? Your actual parent. So don't be that parent. Like, well, mommy was trying her best. Like, I failed, but I gave it an A for effort. Don't you think you're literally sitting there to your child like, this is me not taking any responsibility, but I'm going to need you to recall 10 years from now that I tried my best. And they're like, you did try your best. I think when it comes to parenting, you just have to do or don't do. And I really feel like Yoda's. I just said that. You do. And if you don't do, you don't try to explain away, justify. If anything, the break style is to give age appropriate truth for why you failed. Your child can learn a lot more and be a much better human by learning why you failed than being like, mommy tried her best. If you teach the child that they can experience pain at your hands by your mistake or your lack of effort and you can explain away by saying that you tried your best. Do you think they're going to be tempted to go do that for the rest of their life? We need to stop languaging an excuse when you made a mistake. We also need to stop Pretending that we didn't make a mistake, languaging the excuse, excuse is going to create a rejection pattern. Pretending there wasn't even a mistake in the first place is going to create an abandonment pattern. If you are out there parenting in ways that you know are doing harm, but you don't want to call your child's attention to it because you don't want the eyeballs on. You don't want to have to take responsibility or you don't even know how to take responsibility. That's where we need to stop and do the work. I'll give you an example. My son is 8, my daughter's 11. She has special needs. When he was really little, he didn't get to be like the little baby. And now I'm actually realizing myself reliving it now, watching Harley no longer get to be like the baby because there's river. It really did a number on him. He was able to walk and he'd be like, why are you carrying Sarai? She's older. Because he couldn't understand, like, oh, Sarai can't walk. And everything in his wheelhouse mentally is to compare to what he's not getting. When I look at Zev, his core wound is, they're going to forget about me or I'm not going to matter enough or as much as that person. So he's constantly inserting himself into things, right? It's made him assertive because he doesn't want to be forgotten. He doesn't want to be second fiddle. He, he wants to be an equal, but that comes off sometimes as pretty annoying and boastful, right? He wants to keep inserting himself, like, don't forget about me. I'm pretty cool too. And it comes from him perceiving that Sarai got more attention than he did even when he was a baby one day. And this was recently, this was like a week and a half ago. I didn't even notice because I was in the zone of like, I need to get this done and this done. Everything was just like, you know, one of those mornings where you're trying to do like a hundred tasks at the same time and I didn't even notice. But apparently he had been asking me something over and over again. I just kept ignoring him, but was talking to Sarai because I was trying to read her sign language. I had the baby, when we get to school, I noticed that he's like visibly upset. And I was like, buddy, what's wrong? I was like, so in the zone. I had no idea something had even Happened. And you can see tears welling up in his eyes. And I was like, buddy, we're pulling over the car. Tell me what's wrong right now. And he was like, mom, I told you 10 times. I had a question and I asked something and even was trying to interject in the conversation, and all you were doing was reading psrai's sign language. You wouldn't even look at me. Ignored me all morning. So instead of being like, I didn't ignore you. Your sister needed help because she was signing, right? Like, that's the reflex in the head is like, I wasn't ignoring you. I have a special needs child that needed me to read her sign language. While balancing right. You can see how easy it is to be like, I'm not a bad parent. I stopped and I said, I am so sorry. It must feel so unfair that when I have to read psari's signs, I can't focus on anything else. And I really am going to work on it. And he was like, thank you. I was like, okay, for the next week, I want you to grade me every single day at the end of the day, scale 1 to 10. If I really met your needs and you felt like I actually gave you attention, and no matter what you did to try to get my attention, it felt received and heard and you felt understood. And he was like, okay. He stopped crying and he was like, all right, love you. Love you. Have a great day. After school, I became hyper aware of it and was like, okay, I really get to now watch for all the ways that I might just start kind of autopiloting through the day. And I actually found 10 or more times, even just in the afternoon, where I would have potentially done something different, but I knew I was getting graded. This is a great technique for you as a parent. So I was very aware of how my subconscious can just let me go on autopilot and just keep prioritizing a baby or a special needs child over something of by the end of the day, he was like, you really got a 10? And I was like, thank you. I appreciate that. The next day in the morning, he was like, you going to beat your score? I was like, can't beat a 10, but I can keep it consistent. After the third day, Zeb looked at me and he was like, you're a really good mama. I was like, okay, thank you. And he's like, I don't want to grade you anymore. And I was like, okay, thanks.
- [24:05]
Audience Member
Yeah, I would say, by the way, that's a great example of Having an incremental goal after you've already done your 30 day flyer. Yes, those challenges up, that's the only way to keep growing through break even. I do it to myself on the time to do so.
- [24:22]
Parenting Expert
Amen to that. I do the same. So if you ever get a chance, if you're a break graduate, to go into the unit 4 content. And the parenting Break Keystones lecture that I gave last year is a great one to kind of look at how to structure some of those things and some of the more like parenting rewiring challenges. But if you really feel like you tend to do this, like have a chit chat with your kids and figure out what they're perceiving and set up a grading system. I guarantee you it'll change the way you are thinking about your behavior. And again, the biggest takeaway here is, of course, we all make mistakes as parents. But don't try to explain it away and don't try to hide it. Take responsibility for it and help them see that they're not crazy and that you're actually going to work on it, because then they'll drop it. Kids don't want to keep looping on something. They just want to know that you're aware of it and that you're working on it. Responsibility is definitely the key there. This one's a big one. I know we addressed it in Break Parenting Keystones. And it's not just about making kids clean up or do chores. That would be its own thing. That's kind of like a duh situation. This is about making them do it by themselves alone, not with you cleaning up behind them or telling them they're doing a good job, where really you're like, I'm just gonna go clean it after. Kids need to actually learn how to look at a floor full of 1 million tiny Lego pieces and sack up and do it themselves. Instead of being like, but, mom, what if I at least is my son? What if I clean my room and do my laundry and you clean up the Legos? I'm like, oh, I taught you already to negotiate. This is great. And then I'll push back and be like, no, you're doing all of it. And he's like, okay, let me come back with a counter offer. No, no, there's no counteroffers. What needs to happen when it comes to a child being able to start a task and finish a task, even if it feels daunting, it's got a million tiny Lego pieces. They don't know how to do it. This is a simple, repetitive task that that child can actually learn that something can be really challenging. They might not actually know exactly the strategy to do it, and they can still cross the finish line. So something as simple as this often gets completely overlooked in parenting. We coddle in my childhood, just had a cleaning lady. Like, I didn't know that cleaning was a thing. My husband's like, you can say that again. I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. Did you see I did the dishes on our lunch break at the Airbnb? So oppose the pattern, everybody. I was eating my lunch outside, really just living it up in my leather pants, where I was like. I was like, you know what I'm going to do right now? I'm going to pose the pattern. I'm not going to go lay out in the sun. I'm going to clean this kitchen because it is a mess. And I did it. So when we look at this from a child's perspective, we always want to. Children make messes. They just do, right? They're not systematic unless there are certain children that have certain neurodiversity that do tend to be very systematic. We're not talking about those kids, but talking about everybody else. When you bust out craft supplies and Legos and paint and like an art house glitter, which we're still cleaning up from, like, five months ago, things get really messy and out of control. And there's no order when you're eight to, like, how things get opened and closed and spread out. So when a child looks at that, their first experience is overwhelm. They don't see a sequence, so then they look at you and they want help or they want to try to push at you to break down and help them. So what skill are we actually supporting in them by holding a firm boundary to have them actually do it alone. Independence, self sufficiency, but also strategy. Right? And there's a really key piece here. If your child actually believes that there will be a consequence on the other side if they don't do this, but that that consequence doesn't mean that they're going to get beat with a belt. They're actually going to be willing to try a few different things and you, on the other side have to be willing to give feedback when they've done it and they've finished and they know that, like, if they made a few mistakes, they're not again going to get beat with the belt, but there might be a consequence if they just straight up didn't do portions of it. It's important to sit there and actually go through and critique. Like, I'll actually go to my son's room, be like, all right, do you think the bed looks the way I would have wanted it to look? And he's like, no. And he'll, like, go grab a couple things, like, fix that. And I'm like, okay. And I'm like, so this laundry bin is, like, really full. Are there, like, any clothes in there that really just should have been folded? And he's like, oh. And actually, if you sit there and you break it down piece by piece, and you're like, you understand all the things that we just went through. And he's like, yep. And I'm like, great. Next time. Here's the consequence if you don't do it right, but you did it in a way where they really got it. You made sure they got it, and now you've just raised the bar because you know that they understand if you keep piecemealing it this way rather than being the parent. That's super chill, by the way. Talking about myself here in the past. Super chill. Oh, it's fine. I don't want to cause a fight. I'm just going to go clean up all the Legos myself. It's totally fine out there. Like, always, like, ouch, ouch, ouch. Cleaning Legos, trying to get everything done. That doesn't help your child in any way, shape, or form. Doing it this way absolutely does. This can also apply to chores. It can apply to anything. Even at our property, Gordon got him an ATV and he's been learning how to do, like, kind of more like manly. Woodsy. Woodsy. I don't know how you describe those things. Man things. Shoot a.22, put a. Put a milk crate on back of the ATV and, like, pick up wood. I don't like random wood. I don't know if there's any purpose, but he's all excited that he gets to, like, load stuff in. By the way, when Gordon got a chainsaw, it was like the best day of his life. Came home, you're in your chainsaw pants. And he just like, it was great. You saw it, too. He was like, those chainsaw pants. I'm like, yeah, those are chainsaw pants. They exist. So all this to say, my son started getting access to all these kind of new, like, more mountainy, woodsy tasks that were definitely a little bit more dangerous as he started to progress into some of these things. Some days he was nailing it, and then other days he was doing things that were just really not smart and actually very dangerous. So in some of these things, when you give your child the setup, like I want you to do all these things, you have to also give your child room to make mistakes and make sure that there are consequences on the other side. Like he actually lost access to a lot of the things he was doing. Yes. I was going to ask what kind of consequences. So I think in the break parenting lecture from last time, I think the most effective one. Sorry. If you know what their real motivation is, you know what makes them tick in terms of like, are they the kind of person where like, sports is their everything or like gaming is their everything, in which case, like, please watch my other lectures, don't let your kids game. But you have to figure out what your child puts the most energy and attention into or gets the most from. I'm not saying like withhold love. That's gonna be a great one. I mean, whether it's sports or it's having play dates or being able to have certain sorts of snacks, you have to figure out what their vice is. They're like tiny little child vice and go right for removing that for a set period of time is my opinion.
- [32:32]
Sponsor/Advertiser
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- [33:57]
Audience Member
So I would say reading is what our daughter loves the most. So it's like counterintuitive to be like, okay, I need you to put down the book.
- [34:09]
Parenting Expert
You can't read anymore right now.
- [34:10]
Audience Member
Because that's what she does for.
- [34:12]
Parenting Expert
But no, that's opposing the pattern. And that's absolutely what I would do.
- [34:17]
Audience Member
A situation where the witnessed child, she's like so bummed because her mom will take her to the bookstore to get her the book because she's on restriction from something she did. And it is definitely teaching her a lesson, like she remembers because that's what she wants. She's not going to forget how to read during weeks. If you say it right, like that, that there's that probably that fear and need, like I'm taking away something that's positive. Exactly. So it's also like working with her six chakra tertiary that's developed probably.
- [34:47]
Parenting Expert
Oh, totally. Because I mean, whenever you have a child that you know, many would describe themselves, I was an avid reader. I'm like, we all know what that also means. Okay. An avid reader also typically means like certain social skills were probably not front and center. So I would say it's not just about no reading. It's about substituting reading with something that forces her to engage, which is likely what she's read really resisting altogether. So we have to be kind of break approach in how we're creating these sorts of consequences. And this is why it's really important for us to break style, learn what motivates our child. Because if you learn what motivates your child, it's really actually quite easy to punish them. And I'm not taking any pride in this punishment. Like punishment actually is one of the hardest things to do as a parent, at least for me. Raise your hand if you have a hard time disciplining. It's not a fun experience. And for many of us, whatever your pattern is, you're either afraid of being too harsh or you're being afraid of your kid walking all over you, or you're just afraid that they're not going to like you anymore. Right. Some parents are people pleasers even with their kids. When we go to actually act out the discipline, we've got to be very front and centered with what the output is that we're going for. Because the discipline's the input. And oftentimes we're Just thinking of how we want them to change, but we're not actually giving them the input that's going to get them to that place. That is where I would suggest starting. In a place where you are going to give out some sort of consequence or discipline. Where are you trying to get them to? For example, given the room cleaning thing, if I'm trying to get my son to a place where three months from now I can be like, Zev, go clean your room. And I go upstairs and Gordon and I look at it and we're like, whoo, that is perfect. It's going to take a lot of feedback. He's eight. So if I have it in my head I want to get to that place in three months and I never give any sort of feedback or critique or help him understand how to get there. I'm setting my child up for failure and I'm just setting myself up to constantly feel like the expectations missed and I'm angry. We always have to go back to input output. We need to make sure that the way we are engaging with the child gives them the ability to actually do what we want them to do. But often we're not willing to take the time to reverse engineer it. We're just perpetually setting our kids up for failure. No schoolwork pressure or clearly defined expectation on the break intake. One of the most important questions that for me truly shapes the way I deal with the client is what was your parents approach to sports or academic achievement? One of the most common responses is what approach? Literally like those words, almost exactly like that, what approach. Which then begs the next question which is typically, did your parents treat any of your siblings differently on this topic? Sometimes it's no, they just didn't care about this for any of us. Fine. There are a lot of different inputs that would have set up that scenario, but a lot of times it's oh well, my sister, my brother was this in sports or they were this amazing student. So my parents just really put everything into them and then the rest of us like no attention whatsoever. Not putting pressure on school performance is a surefire way to breed mediocrity in the adult. It happens, I'm not kidding, every time. Every time I have an adult client that wonders why they're incapable of reaching these big goals and they're constantly feeling like, I know I want to find my purpose, but I just never feel like I get anywhere. They just can't ever truly motivate past either a job that they don't like or feeling stagnated or Repetitive. It's because of this. And by the way, I'm not saying to do it the way my dad did it because it was a little brutal, but one of the things that my parents actually did really well was around school pressure and sports. And you might have heard me speak about this in break as it related to sports. And Gordon can attest to this. The joke in our house is like, what didn't you do competitively? It's like, funny you should ask. I did everything competitively. Okay? That was how my family was. If I did a sport, I did that, like, at the top level in my family. It was like, you don't dabble. You don't like, kind of do something, in fact, to probably like a too much degree. Hobbies were like, what is a hobby? Like, is there a purpose than a hobby? Like, what are you going to do with a hobby? Is a hobby going to get you into Ivy League school? School? Pretty sure my dad said that to me at like 9, I'm like, what's an Ivy League school? My parents approach was I could do any sport or activity that I wanted as long as I showed 100% commitment and effort. And if there was even a moment that I started to complain or waiver, it was just one and done. They would pull me from it. I could never go back. I couldn't get it back. The only time I ever made that mistake was with figure skating. Thank God. That would not have been my sport. But I made the mistake of getting home and I was like, I didn't like my teacher and it was cold and complained about my outfit. My parents were like, great, then you're never going again. Okay, well, I guess I have to be like 100% committed or else it's done. And again, I'm highlighting this as one other side of the spectrum. What it actually did is it made me realize that if I actually want to do something, I can't be half ass about it. I have to be whole ass. I have to do everything 100%. Or there's just like, there's what's the point? Which kind of goes in tandem with another one of our parenting points. If you don't create any sort of feedback system or structure around school, you don't actually teach your kid how to know when they're doing a good job. You don't teach your kid how to know if they're really putting in the correct amount of effort to go where they want to go. That is the most important skill as far as I'm Concerned as an adult. Our entire culture right now, going back to the other side talk, is a victimhood culture that wants it to be everybody else's fault. Everybody else did this to them. When I'm telling you, one of the things that created this is on this slide, if everyone's a winner and there's no negative feedback and no ability for you to, you know, look at your child and be like, I'm going to be honest with you. You didn't actually do a good job on this. Like, let's talk about it. Let's figure out where we need to dig in. Zeb will be like, wasn't it a great story? I'm like, it's a great story. I was like, your spelling really needs work. We need to dig in on your spelling. He's like, but it's a good story, right? I'm like, I'm talking about your spelling. Very creative. Why are you having such a hard time with spelling? We can get so tempted to be like, oh, everything's great. You're great, you're wonderful, you're wonderful. Oh, B. It's like almost an A. I've literally had adults whose parents did that to them, like, kept kind of waving their hands and convincing them, like, oh, a B plus is like basically an A minus. Do you want to know what that turns out like as an adult? Not good. That's like, every single thing they want to do is, like, really subpar. But they're constantly mad that it's everybody else's fault. Right. They're not taking any responsibility that they put in mediocre effort. They set the ball in motion for them to get fired. Right. It's everybody else's fault. This is what you're going to do if you keep going down that pathway with your child. It happens every time. Setting a clear expectation. It needs to be reasonable. If you have a child, for example, with cerebral palsy, like I do, there's certain things, certain expectations that I should have for Zev that wouldn't make any sense for her. For example, Sarai's handwriting. She's very committed to learning how to handwrite. It's really hard for her, like, mobility wise. So for me to say, I need you to get straight A's, including handwriting, would that be setting her up for failure? Yeah. So we need to be able to set realistic expectations for our children, but also do it in a way that allows them to really feel and think big for themselves. We don't want to be like, well, my perspective of you is that you're really struggling here. So let's just. Can we try to go for like a C plus this time? That's not what I'm saying here. I'm saying figure out where they're at and give them a Runway by which you're actively willing to help them get there and cross the finish line. But they need to know where you want them to go. And I would say in general with parenting, this is like one of our biggest fails. We decide that they see it like we do and we don't communicate what we actually want from them in language that they can understand. We're out here mad that they're missing expectations and the child quite literally has no idea what the expectations are. You've got to clearly define the expectation and then you've got to hold some pressure on the edges for them to see accurately what they're doing. Is it enough effort? Are you giving your kid a false sense of confidence that they could get onto the travel baseball team because you just don't want to let them down? And then they come back crushed and you're like, I actually could have prevented this six months ago by telling you, you know what, if you want to make that team, we're going to need to get an extra coach to work with you on xyz. Is it that hard? But that's what we do to our kids over and over again. We don't want to hurt their feelings, so we actually set them up for failure. That has an adult output and I've dealt with it in break and it's not a fun one for the adult. No bedtime routine or overly coddling bedtime boundaries. Raise your hand if you think you struggle with some, like, bed related stuff with your kids.
- [45:04]
Audience Member
Used to.
- [45:05]
Parenting Expert
Okay. Do you want to try to describe what your problem was? She wouldn't go to bed. Okay. What about you or anyone else that raised their hand? Yes.
- [45:19]
Audience Member
Chronic struggle. We have a bedtime alarm that goes off and then an hour later she's actually in bed. It's like she drags.
- [45:25]
Parenting Expert
Yeah, you've got to give her a warning so that she can.
- [45:27]
Audience Member
Yeah, she drags her feet. Like, takes her 20 minutes to brush her teeth. But we're there kind of along the way or she'll get distracted and play. We're like, no, it's not playtime anymore. It's bedtime.
- [45:36]
Parenting Expert
Okay. So you're just constantly redirecting back to the time frame. Okay. So no bedtime routine kind of goes back to the same sort of like, I'm a Chill parent. And I've dealt with this before in like my kids early childhood because again, just like with the breakfast, sometimes that would be the only time I'd have. So I'd be like, oh sure, we can stay up late and watch a movie. How many times during the week can you do that before it actually impacts your kids school? Like it probably takes one time, honestly. So bedtime routines are critical for kids. I'm not saying like, you know, there's one time to do it, I'm not saying and the magic number is 7:30, I don't care what that is. But there needs to be some sort of consistency. And if your child is under 15, it really needs to be pretty much before 8:30 or 9 o'.
- [46:23]
Audience Member
Clock.
- [46:23]
Parenting Expert
Scientifically you can do what you want, but I would say consistency is the most important thing. Overly coddling bedtime boundaries, this is another tricky one because conscious parenting will have you believe that having any sort of distance with your kids, like bad parenting, like it's just very cruel I think is the word that typically is used in that sort of area. Kids learn so much independence and resilience by creating bedtime separation. I'm not saying that there's like a secret ingredient to what time this needs to happen, but I've seen in the adults when those boundaries are blurry and your parents constantly letting you into their bed, age 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, the 40 year old version of you remembers that. I hear about it in my intake. There are times that, that especially as the child is edging toward kind of pre puberty can create some pretty weird stuff on the intake, you guys. So allowing the child to have their own space helps them cultivate a sense of independence, their own boundaries. It is incredibly important. And it's not cruel. Maybe if you want to look at like the conscious parenting communities, it's cruel to do it at like four months old. Okay, maybe. Although I don't really think there's scientific proof for that. But certainly when your child is like dying to be able to explore independence, it's high time to take a look at why you're doing this. And are you doing it because you hold it all together and it's already been this way and now you don't know how to undo it. Undoing something like this, just like trying to undo something like being chill and then all of a sudden having to become more of a structured disciplinarian, it's really hard. I'm not saying it's easy. And if you've created that reflex in your children, they're going to push back hard against it, and they're going to push every single button to get you to crack. Your little kids are going to red comb the crap out of you in break language. If you try to get them to switch to something else, they're going to give you all the red cones. But I'm telling you, bedtime routine, consistency and having an actual space for them to be independent is critically important for their journey into adulthood, especially into puberty, going easy on them. I feel like this kind of goes back to some of the stuff that could be related to the school. We need kids to realize that everyone is not the same and that you can't just put in no effort and win anyways. Anyone that's ever been in competitive sports knows that when you are a competitive athlete, you put in exponentially more time than your peers who they might be. Like, I put, like. Who's ever dealt with a situation where it's like, somebody plays soccer, but then someone else plays travel soccer? Anyone? Anyone? Okay, so you always have the person that plays travel soccer. They're like, yeah, you play soccer. Like, you don't even know what it's like to play soccer. Please. There's so much more time spent in the gym on diet with coaches. For me in skiing, when I was nine, for my birthday, my dad built me a weight room so that I could, like, Olympic lift because I was so tiny. My dad's like, well, if you want to be competitive, like, we're going to have to start Olympic lifting now, and you're going to have to go heavy. And I'm like, all right. My dad's idea of, like, fun family bonding time after dinner would be like me getting on the treadmill next to him and us having, like, a chit chat after dinner. That was my household. True story. Sometimes my sister, if she wanted cookies, he'd be like, you can eat them on the recumbent bicycle. And she'd be like, six. It wasn't kind. If you want cookies, get on that recumbent bike. You earn your cookie. That is a parenting fail in and of itself. But going easy on your kids and making them believe that it doesn't require effort to win is putting them at a disadvantage in our world because it does take effort to win. That doesn't mean that you have to win to be worthy, but it means that if you have a desire to go far with something and you want to win, you have to know what it accurately takes to get there. Otherwise, again, your parents Are setting you up for failure. Does anyone tend to go too easy on their kids and they don't want to actually break it down? That really takes a lot of effort. Anyone go too easy on your kids? You can admit it. How many kids do you have again? That's a lot. Eight. Good God. Isn't that crazy? Eight kids and she's like, tiny and cute and adorable. It's just.
- [51:05]
Audience Member
They came out of her.
- [51:06]
Parenting Expert
I know. And that doesn't. I'm going to be honest. It doesn't usually happen. I'm in north Idaho where there are a lot of people with like eight to 10 babies and they don't look like you. Just being real. You're tiny, you look fab. So we want to make sure that we are not. If we look at it in, like, the macro scale, we don't want to breed a generation like this, but we certainly don't want our old child to be trying to operate in a system where they think they can win and constantly believe the system is stacked up against them when the reality is we didn't tell them how to play the game. Does everyone pick that up? We have to tell them how to play the game so that they have a chance to win. This one comes up. I would say in 70% of intakes where the person is really struggling, this happened in their childhood. If you are allowed to just quit anytime it gets hard or anytime, all of a sudden a bully just joined your team and now you don't want to have to face it, or you had one bad piano lesson and now you just want to F it all and never play piano. My parents obviously did it the opposite direction where again, if I showed any sort of wavering boom, it was cut. For whatever reason, when it came to musical instruments, they did not do this. I don't know why. I played, like, every instrument you could think of for like, two weeks. Like, talk about dabbling. I think it's because it had to do with my school. And, like, they didn't really have a lot to do with it. Like, they didn't have to drive me anywhere. So they're whatever, whatever, whatever. Letting your child quit something without a really serious justification teaches them that anytime it gets hard, anytime somebody joins the team that they don't like, or anytime they actually meet resistance within themselves, they don't have to push through, they can just quit. And I'm telling you, this turns into poor relationships, this turns into poor work ethic, poor follow through. And of all of the things on this list, this one Has a really, really challenging trajectory as an adult. Please don't do it. I know it's hard because you want to feel for your kid and they're really hurting and they really want to stop saying, but, mom, I don't like it. I'm cold. I'm whatever. You have to hold the line and set some sort of structure by which it's like, listen, I'm not going to make you do this for the rest of your life, but we're going to finish the season right? I'm going to support you through it. I'm going to figure out what I can do to help you finish the season strong. But we're not going to quit partway through. So it's not going to be like the way my parents said it, where it's like, you know, all or nothing. You got to do this for the rest of your life. But you have to at least give them a big enough container that they can prove to themselves that if they push just a little bit when they get to the other side, they might realize, like, you know what? Thank God I didn't quit, because I'm actually really good at this. That's usually what happens right when the child wants to quit. It's actually when they were about to level up. And if you let them quit, you're actually literally robbing them of future success in every single aspect of their life. This one is major, and this one has a very physical experience attached to it. There's so many times that as an adult, I get people that are explaining all these different physical ailments and this hormone imbalance and that. And I ask them point blank, did your parents treat you any differently when you were sick? And they immediately laugh and they're like, well, I actually got attention. I'm like, okay, I think we're getting somewhere here. If your parents were too busy for you, but suddenly, if you were sick, oh, okay, well, I'll stay home from work and let's watch a movie, right? Or your parents neglected you or were really hard on you, but as soon as you were sick, all of a sudden your parents would stop fighting and they'd be like, okay, well, what can we do? We want to make you feel better. Your brain starts to learn, oh, if I'm sick, my parents stop fighting. If I'm sick, my parents actually give me attention. If I'm sick, my parents are kinder to me. Or they actually spend more quality time. Your brain learns a reflex with biofeedback to keep getting you sick. So that Your parents spend more attentive time with you. This turns into a very sickly adult. And as soon as we pinpoint that this is what happened in childhood, it's actually relatively easy to stop them from getting sick using break method. So this isn't to say that you need to be hard and tough on your kid when they're sick, but an example would be if I could see, and I've seen this before, I've seen moments where. And Gordon can attest to this. There are times where you can actually see Zev setting up that he's gonna get sick because Sarai's been sick and we're already on the lookout for the different things. And even he'll be like, zev, you got a cough there? And he's like, yeah. Oh, my throat. I'm like, buddy, you're going to school no matter what. If your teacher sends you home, great, I'll pick you up. But there's nothing. He's already setting it up. He's always like, well, I want attention. Because you've been giving Sarai attention all week because she's been sick. Kids have that sort of reflex. And if you coddle it and you're like, oh, you got a sore throat. You want me to get you a Popsicle? Like, you don't want to test for a second and make sure they're not fibbing. Like, you're just automatically going to buy what they're selling. Like, I got the black lung, Pop. Maybe they're going to get sick, but maybe they have realized that if they have a headache or a tummy ache or they get to get out of going to school or get to spend more time with you, or suddenly, mommy doesn't work anymore, Mommy stays home. You're teaching a child to get sick much more frequently. And there is a loving and compassionate way to still be really firm and be like, we're still going to school. Let me. I'll give you some oils, I'll give you a little bit of supplements to see if we can make your cough go away. But you're teaching your child like, you know what? I don't have to be sick. And often, as soon as they realize I'm not going to get coddled for being sick, guess what? They're better. So if your kid's running 104 degree fever, by the way, I'm not saying, like, are you manipulating me? There's a time and a place to know when your child is really ill. But be aware that your kids can manipulate you into this cycle and ultimately is very destructive for them. So adult. So lovingly push back and test what's really going on. Because sometimes they just need an extra hug. Or sometimes it's like, do you want to watch a movie tonight? Do you need a little bit of snuggles? Let me give you some snuggles. But you're going to school tomorrow. And they'll be like, okay. Because then they're getting love and praise for just being them. They're not getting love and praise for being sick. So if you can kind of dissect something that their brain doesn't understand and be like, okay, this is what's happening for this, but you're not sick and you're going to school tomorrow, then they're like, okay, great. But then they still got what their brain was ultimately seeking. Does that make sense to everybody? This one's really important. I actually think that the vast majority of our perpetually autoimmune sick adults actually just have this reflex from childhood. This one's a big one. For those of you that have gone through a divorce and are in the process of figuring out how to integrate a new partner into your kids lives. And I feel like what I'm about to say stands at odds with a lot of what's programmed. And I'm going to tell you why. If you start dating and I'm not talking about like hookup culture where it's like you're swiping on Tinder every night. That's not what I'm talking about. I want to make sure that is not on the table. That's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about like seriously dating. There's a cultural note that until you really know whatever that means, that this is the one again, whatever that means, you can't integrate this person into your life and introduce them to your family. Right? Has everyone kind of heard that or kind of gotten that vibe through the grapevine? What actually happens is that your kids know there's somebody, they know you're doing something. Whether it's, you know, on the time that maybe they're with their dad or mom or vice versa, they still know. And even if that's kind of this like enigmatic person that kind of has a name, if you don't introduce that person and bring them into a space where that child can actually understand who they are and what they are and actually engage with them, you run the risk of A, them not trusting you, B, they're making up a story because kids heads are going to fill in the gaps. If you're going on a date and you're like, oh, I'll tell you about them later, I just want to make sure everything's like, you know, that we're really going to make it before I introduce you. You don't think that kid's brain is going to be curious and try to project all these things that maybe that person is for the next three to four months until you finally introduce them? Do you think that when you finally introduce the partner at that time the kids are going to have a good relationship with them or a bad relationship?
- [60:14]
Audience Member
Terrible.
- [60:15]
Parenting Expert
I'm telling you, this right here is like a key to why so many step parenting relationships completely explode. If you don't integrate the partner right away, they don't get a chance to grow together. Your kids actually grow to resent an enigmatic figure that they've never met before. They make up all these preconceived notions in their head that they're not even actually rationalizing. Then when you introduce them, they actually are the poster person for all the time that that parent has spent away from you as a child. And all of your worst fears are going to be embodied in a face because you don't know that person. You didn't grow with them. This right here is the key. If you are divorced and you are dating, I'm not saying again, bring in like every Tinder swipe. I'm saying if you have created a relationship with your kids where you want them to trust you and you hold age appropriate truth at a high stand, you need to bring that person into your home. If they don't like your kids, leave them. Like, that should happen right away. You don't want to get six months down the road and be like, not really vibing with your kids. Like, what a waste of time. You could have figured that out six months ago. Also, if you bring that partner in, the kids get a chance to equally be awkward. You want the partner to be awkward and the kids to be awkward at the same time. You don't want the boyfriend, girlfriend to grow with you in private so that you have a relationship. Imagine this, right? You've been in secret the whole time. The kids have been making up all these narratives about what you're going to be like. And you finally walk in, they're like, well, you certainly don't measure up to what I have up here. And they're always like, well, you took my mom away from me like three days a week for the last six months. All the resentments have Built up every single interaction that child has around the parents where they're like, oh, love the Internet, right? Because you've spent six months getting close. Every time there's affection showed or they feel how close that relationship became without them present, they're going to start to hate both of you. That's just real talk. And society doesn't want us to know that. I don't know why, because it's glaringly obvious. This is where discernment is really key. Introduce them early, but introduce them only after you've really discerned that this is a person that you are actually going to put effort into. If you're going to put an effort, it's worth it. Hiding and compartmentalizing this relationship until you know it's the one, it actually runs you the risk of doing serious damage to your kids lives. Because if you get to the point where you're like six to nine months down the road and then you're going to introduce them, you're building up a scenario that is going to explode. Has anyone ever dealt with that explosion? Zach's like, I'm. This whole chalk is hurting me.
- [63:11]
Sponsor/Advertiser
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- [64:23]
Audience Member
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- [64:29]
Parenting Expert
Let me give you a great example from my own life. Maestro. Give me a good beat. So I knew generally that my dad was dating somebody. So I kind of like, my dad would talk about her from time to time. So it's like I knew that I had met her, but I didn't really know exactly which one she was. She was a secretary in my dad's office. Classic New York story. So I kind of like, generally from time to time I'd be like, I wonder which one it would be. And in my head, I'd like play out these different scenarios. I wonder if it's that one. I wonder if it's this one, right? Months go by. Finally, one day, so Rana's gonna come over for dinner. And I'm like, oh, great. Deep down, the little girl, pardon me, was actually excited. Like, maybe she's gonna be really fun. Maybe we're gonna have a great time. Maybe she's gonna like me because my mom didn't as, you know. So I really just was like, maybe there's gonna be another, like, female in my life that actually will love me and accept me. When she came into the house, I realized that she was incredibly young. Looking back on it, I'm gonna be honest with you. She was 23. My dad was very old, awkward. But this 23 year old secretary comes into my house and we're having this kind of casual dinner. And mind you, like, I didn't know how long they had been dating. It was just kind of this again, like enigmatic, flippant, like. But I've been kind of seeing somebody. We get their dinner, we watch like a little bit of a movie. And my dad's like, and by the way, this is totally premeditated what he's about to say to me. Oh, it's getting really late. You know, maybe you and Em should invite Rana just to stay the night so that she doesn't have to take the train back to New York. I was like, oh, should I? I was nine, okay? Like, you want me to invite your girlfriend to stay in our home because it's late? Okay, So I remember kind of looking at my sister and I was like, I got this one. I was like, so, Rana, you know, my dad was wondering if you could stay. And she's like, then I noticed, right? Because I was abandoned. Hold it all together. This whole thing was pre strategized. She's like, oh, really? And I was like, bitch, you knew I was gonna ask you that question. And I remember looking at my dad and being like, this is a setup. It's all a scam. Can I tell you guys the biggest scam of all? She never left my house. She actually was moving into my house. But I'm seriously telling the truth. She never left my house. My dad didn't know. Had a talk to my sister and I about this. So this was this whole, like, song and dance that he really put me in the position being like, you know, you should stay over. So then as I was like, is she ever gonna leave? He's like, well, you asked her to stay here. I was like, oh, no. And he's a lawyer, obviously, so I feel like that's a pretty good example. Ronna and I still, to this day, Gordon, can attest this, have, I mean, about the worst relationship you can possibly have. She never left. She's, in fact, still married to my dad. Today. They have two new children who she's not allowed me to see. That's how completely insane she is. I saw them at my sister's wedding, which was sweet, but that's, like, the first time I've ever seen them. How awkward was it, Gordon, from your perspective? Pretty awkward. It is super strange. So this just goes to show, if you do it this way. Do we think, as a child, I began to resent a woman that, like, popped by for dinner one day and then never left? You bet I resented her. In my childhood opinion, it ruined my childhood. So if you don't know how to say, speak to your children about it or you're afraid of how to integrate, get over your own fears and put your kids first and do it differently. Do better, because compartmentalizing and hiding and then integrating when you've already built rapport is going to make your children feel outcast and out of the relationship and, like, they can't trust either of you. I mean it. You feel me, Zach?
- [68:46]
Audience Member
Word.
- [68:47]
Parenting Expert
Word. This one's a big one. Disciplining about what they did instead of addressing why they did it. This is one of the biggest parenting fails of all. You're just mad about what they did, but you're not actually helping them understand why they actually did it. Because usually they're completely unrelated. You're sitting there like the milk is spilled on the ground. It's like. But were they in their mind, like, were they rushing? Were they trying to, like, clean up other people's plates? Were they intentionally being bad and leaving the table and knock the milk over. There's a million different reasons that milk could be on the floor. But if you're sitting there like, you spilled the milk, you're punished. You're not actually helping their brain understand what they actually did that spilled the milk. Because if you think a kid is aware of what they're doing from minute to minute, I don't know that you've spent any time around children. If you actually stop and you pause the kid and you say their name like 10 times, maybe they're taking note of what's actually happening right now. But you have to be like, zev, Zev, Zev. And he's like, yes, okay, I'm here. It can take so much time to even get them to stop and be aware of where their body is in space. So when you're mad at what they just did, they have no idea why they did it. If you don't want that to happen again, you have to discipline them in a way that helps them understand why they did it in the first place. Otherwise you're going to be disciplining for the same thing over and over and over again. You're going to then feel like you're disrespecting me. No. You, as a parent, are missing the opportunity to stop the problem. They're not disrespecting you. They clearly don't get it. You're not disciplining in a way that makes them understand how to stop. This is the same thing in an adult relationship. Raise your hand if you've ever been in a relationship where you looked back retroactively and you're like, I can't believe I was in that relationship. Right? That is like. That's so crazy that I actually thought that was okay. It's because while you were doing it, you were acting out of pattern, right? You're not aware. It's not like the whole time, you're like, I'm in a terrible relationship. Let me go deeper. This is super bad. I'm going to go two more steps. When you're out of it and you look back in a different perspective, you're like, wow, that was a super toxic, terrible relationship. But you don't actually know you're doing it while you're getting in. That's because we often weren't trained how to actually pause and assess our motive as we're doing something. You actually have the opportunity to teach that to your kids via discipline. So instead of it being like, you spilled the milk, go to your room, really help reverse engineer what they were doing that made them spill the milk. Because then they will likely stop spilling the milk or at least think twice about it. Not creating a container to help your child push against and express their individuality. This one is super important. This is what goes wrong when you have parents that are overly disciplinary and to the point of abuse. A kid starts to kind of go turn in on themselves and become such a people pleaser that they don't even know who they are anymore. They don't know how to assert their opinion. They don't really know how to be independent. They have no self trust. The key is creating a system where it's like they can get in trouble and they will get in trouble. They understand there's a structure there, there's stuff to bump into. But the things that they know they're going to bump into don't make them fear for their life or their safety. That's why you go for what motivates them. Because there are certain things in a child's experience experience where you want them to be like, you know what? Mom doesn't want me to do this, but I'm gonna do it anyway. If you don't teach them how to actually do that and think their way through and be like, I'm gonna take my lickings for what I just did knowingly with my full mental awareness, you're actually creating a people pleaser. I know that's kind of a tough one for people. Cause you don't ever want your kids to push back. The reality is you actually do want your kids to push back, but you want them to do it in a way that's respectful and well thought through. Where you're like, you're grounded. But also, good job. It's an important skill, I'm telling you, for kids to grow into adults and realize that they can see what's even. God just showed me a little bit here. Let's go back to what we were talking about this morning. You can see, okay, this is the system that you've set up. But I really believe this is something different that you're not considering. I'm going to to buck the system anyways. And even if I get grounded, I'm going to do this because I really believe in what I'm doing. That's actually what you're creating for a child, becoming an adult. Their ability to be like, okay, well, I'm probably going to lose my Game Boy for two weeks. That just really dated me. I don't know what the version is now I'm going to lose my Game Boy for two weeks. But I really believe that I have to do this. Like, I have to, you know, I have to stay at school an extra hour and go to like the varsity baseball practice to watch the pitching. Right. Maybe your parents wouldn't let you do it and you're not okay with that. And you're like, I'm going to do it anyways, but I'm just going to take my grounding because it's going to make me a better athlete. If you create a container where they can't actually go through a process like that, you're creating a people pleaser that's going to turn out very vanilla and just always comply. Do you want to create that in a child?
- [74:01]
Audience Member
Absolutely not.
- [74:02]
Parenting Expert
Absolutely not. Yes.
- [74:08]
Audience Member
Specifically, have you noticed the pattern of what age range specifically that that layer.
- [74:14]
Parenting Expert
Kind of comes in like 7 to 7 to 11. It depends on the kid. But like, so for example, Zev, who. He'd be pleased that he's getting a lot of air time in this lecture. I'll be sure to convey that to him. Zev is very intelligent and extremely articulate and does that edge on, manipulative, for sure. He pushes some of these boundaries at an age that's probably more like a 10, 11 year old because his brain just understands so what that will do. Sometimes I think Gordon can attest to this is sometimes he seems more mature than he is because of that skill. So it's like we'll also expect him to be meeting those levels in all areas. And then we have to be like, you're also 8, but typically 7 would be like the earliest possible onset. But it would have to be a kid like Zeb that's like extremely articulate and already like early on showing signs that they can manipulate adults pretty easy. Otherwise, I think it's probably more average 10 to 11. Yes.
- [75:16]
Audience Member
So when that happens in there and you can see they're manipulating, what do you do with that circumstance?
- [75:25]
Parenting Expert
Get clear on their motivation, what are they trying to manipulate the outcome to be and what's motivating them to try to manipulate the outcome that way? Because then you see what you have to solve. Because by the way, there might be opportunities where you go through that process and then you're like, I want to see what you did there. Okay. And you actually let them do it. If we're so quick to just be like, no, because I said no. And we don't actually factor in that, like maybe actually, actually our child found a way to solve something that we actually wouldn't have considered. And we're just like, no, because I said so. If we go through the process that I just described, you might actually find that sometimes their negotiating technique was accurate. And you're like, touche. You can, right? Good example would be the other day, Zev kept being like, he just got in this thing where he really wanted to take baths. Like, great. And to me, my hold it all together, I'd be like, all right, I'll go around the bath for you. I'll go around the bath for you. And then one day, he came up to me. He's like, can I take a bath? And I was in the middle of doing, like, a million things. Gordon was like, dude, do you want to just go turn on the tub and, like, just go. I don't know, like, run the water and take a tub? And he was like, oh, that's okay if I do that. And we both were like, yeah, yeah, you can do that. And he's like, great. Cool. And, like, now he just doesn't ask anymore. He just, like, runs the tub. If I had been doing it my patterned way, I would have been like, okay, drop everything. Go run the boy at tub. Like, not thinking, like, he's 18. You can probably figure this out. My brain's like, I don't want him to burn his flesh. And, like, you know, you've got to do a little of the left and then a little of the right, like, underestimating my manipulative son's ability to, like, toggle hot and cold. Meanwhile, Gordon's like, I can't be bothered. Go do it yourself. Meanwhile, he's actually, like, learning in this capacity, like, okay, there's probably a different way that I could have phrased this to actually get what I wanted to sooner. I think he. I saw the moment where he was like, oh, I could have asked to just do this myself, like, weeks ago, because he doesn't like getting pushed back from me. It's like, eye roll. Like, you really have to bathe again. How many times do you have to bathe a week? Like, so in that moment, he actually saw, like, there's a different way for me to set up this negotiation where I'd be like, you know, I don't have time to give you a tub tonight. He could have actually felt like, you could have pushed this boundary a little bit. And, like, but what if I run the tub myself, drain the water, and you don't have to know anything about it? I would have been like, all right, you can, in fact, take a bath. So we want kids to be able to kind of think their way around a current system and come up with a new solution that we actually said no. Like, blanket no to. That might actually be yes if they pitch it correctly without just an automatic, like, if you say no to me, you're going to your room. Which segues nicely into this. Yes.
- [78:13]
Parent Sharing Experience
I just wanted to add just that. Discipline and asking the why, because that changed my life as a parent three years ago. Because if anybody had asked me the why growing up, I would have said, like, because you were so strict. So I had to sneak out, do the thing.
- [78:28]
Parenting Expert
Yep.
- [78:29]
Parent Sharing Experience
And so I. I have teenagers, some, you know, teenagers. I just came up with this sort of challenge as I got into this behavior. Like, why didn't you tell me that there was drinking at this party for my daughter? And she was like, well, I was afraid you were going to get mad. And I was like, have I ever given you that? And she was like, no, but my friend thought maybe you would. So I just went with that. And I was like, well, I'm actually mad that you didn't tell me the truth. But there is no discipline. The discipline is the conversation of, you know, can always tell me.
- [79:01]
Parenting Expert
Yeah. Was not what I would have been.
- [79:04]
Parent Sharing Experience
Earlier on three years ago.
- [79:06]
Parenting Expert
I can attest to that. Right.
- [79:09]
Parent Sharing Experience
But and also, as a teenager myself, if someone had asked me, why did you do that behavior? Well, nobody's home. No one's really paying attention. Why wouldn't I go sneak out and do the party? Like, just because you told me on a piece of paper to be home by 7, didn't mean I was going to do it. I didn't know you were going to, actually being home at 7.
- [79:29]
Parenting Expert
If I thought I was gonna get busted, I wouldn't have done it, obviously.
- [79:34]
Parent Sharing Experience
But there was a lot of, like, there was a lot of reason why I was doing that behavior.
- [79:38]
Parenting Expert
Right.
- [79:38]
Parent Sharing Experience
It was about control in the family that my mom needed, and it wasn't helping me.
- [79:43]
Parenting Expert
So, again, important what she's describing, you have to get to the motivation, you know? And really, in that one, it kind of dials back to, I would say, addressing the fact that her friends can actually get her to not pay attention to who you actually are. Like, you do know me. Right? The problem here is that you're letting your friends influence your opinion instead of our relationship. Right. So if you went to, like, some other thing to discipline, like focus on the drinking, for example, you would miss that whole thing where she's learning, like, not to fall victim to peer pressure. Do you see how that works? If you're focusing on the wrong point in the problem, you miss an opportunity to stop it altogether. Using the Bible or other intangible concepts to punish your discipline without taking the time to teach them and make them applicable. Kids need to understand why kids are inherently curious. Our brain is constantly trying to understand our world, put it through different scenarios, test it, see if it holds true. If we're just giving them like high level concepts and never actually making them practical or meaningful in our world, they're going to actually turn against God and resent the Bible or resent what other, whatever other spiritual practice you tried to relay to them. And as somebody that really loves teaching about spirituality, this breaks my heart how many students I've dealt with that have turned completely away from God because their parents used this against them. So if you're going to be teaching high level, intangible spiritual concepts to your kids, try to do it in a way that offers some sort of meaning to their life. Because if you don't, they're going to fill in the gaps, come up with their own reasons why for something. And most likely you will be the one that creates the fracture with their relationship with God. And I don't think that's something you want on your conscience. Personally, I know I've told the story before about how in the bedtime book that my parents used to. Well, parents, let's be honest, it was my mom. My mom used to read to me at night before bed. There'd be a page that she would always skip. It would be like, you know, I brushed my teeth, I did this, I did that. And it was a page that said I would do the Lord's Prayer and she would just always skip it. And one day I was like, mommy, why do you always skip that page? And she looks me and she's like, because God does exist. And then literally goes to the next page. Where was I? It's like, I feel like you just kind of dropped a pretty intense bomb for me there. We want to be mindful of this impact. If you're going to introduce it, introduce it with intention. If you are going to introduce it in certain ways in like a Bible school or CCD or Hebrew school, but never back it up at home. You're setting your kids up for a trust issue. So my suggestion is if you are going to integrate it, teach your kids all the way. Integrate it all the way. Don't dabble. Dabbling is just like the being chill. It actually creates far more problems. So either Be all in or all out. Dabbling creates a lot of problems. And please, please, please make sure that you inquire how they are defining it. You can't decide based on something that intangible that they're going to naturally define it the way you are. You could teach them something that you think is really positive, that isn't very tangible and three dimensional, and it could become the biggest fear all the way through to their adulthood. I've dealt with it in break. So approach this very wisely and with discernment. Yes, Jim? So wouldn't it be important for the parent to have tension? Absolutely, yes. The parent needs to have intention and the parent needs to, again, be, I would say, really holistic in the approach. You either have to be all or nothing. The dabbling, like, my parents dabbled in this and this and this and this and this. It's basically what that culminates to is I have abandonment issues with God now because my parents dabbled in like 150 different things. So now I kind of think all of it's bullshit. So don't do your kids the disservice of doing the dabble. Or again, we only go to church on high holidays. And then the rest of the time I've literally had adult students that are like, well, this is how we were raised. And like, deep down, it's like, I would hear all these things at Bible school and then my parents wouldn't back it up. And I literally spent my whole childhood being like, my parents are going to hell. Learned at a Bible school. They're not backing up any of these things. My parents are frauds. They're sending me to a place that is telling me my parents are going to hell and they don't even realize it. I'm telling you, I've had that, that student multiple times over in semesters. Because that's what's happening. If you're not doing anything like that at home and you're not really taking it seriously, but you're also sending your kid to a place where they're learning those things, then they're watching all of your behavior silently. They're like, that's not very biblical, is it? And then the parents, like, I just think I'm doing the right things. My parents did it, and it gives me free child care on a Sunday and on a Wednesday. You're actually creating a big problem, potentially, not always. And I'm not saying it in general is bad, but it can create that incongruent sort of experience for your child. Make Sense. Okay, just tread wisely. I'm not saying don't tread, I'm saying tread intentionally. Tread wisely. Let's remember the break parenting keystones because this is really the important thing and you can definitely screenshot this that we always want to strive for. And it's in my opinion, in incredibly accurate order. So number one, age appropriate truth. Above and beyond anything else, you have to be honest with your kids, right? If we look at all the parenting fails, the honesty piece is really one of the common threads. This doesn't mean telling the whole inappropriate truth in a way that scars your child forever, but you have to figure out where they are in terms of their intellectual capacity and be as honest as you can in that moment. It will make your kids trust you more. Even if the answer that you have to give them is not what they wanted to hear. It will help them have a better skill set to move forward in their life and be confident, have friendships, believe in themselves when it feels like the chips are down. Age appropriate truth is everything. Don't hide, don't try to explain away, don't try to justify. Just tell the truth because you set that standard for them as a growing adult. 2. Input equals output. Every single thing that you do has an output in your child. So if every single thing you do, you have a little moment where you're just like, is what I'm about to do gonna spit something out that I don't want? It has an opportunity to give you a pause of personal responsibility to double question yourself. Is this something I really want to do right now? Is this absolutely necessary? Necessary what I'm about to do? Because if it creates an output that is not in their best interest or your best interest, you probably want to question your own motives about why you're tempted to do it. Are you in your pattern? Are you in your ACBs? Probably. 3. Consistency. I think consistency is another thread through all of them. It's just incredibly important. 4. Teaching a child the why so they don't mistakenly insert their own reason. If you don't teach a children how to really firmly land on the why, they're going to put something else in its place because they're not just going to let it go. That's not what the brain does. If there's a problem, the brain is not going to stop until it's decided there's a solution, even if that is inaccurate. So you have to help fill it with the correct useful information. 5. Allowing for temporary non agreement, your kids don't have to agree with you, your kids are not disrespectful if they don't agree with you. This kind of goes with the container that allows them to push against. If your kid doesn't agree with you, that's fine, they can go disagree with you kindly in their room with no tv. Maybe they'll agree with you two hours later or maybe not. And that's okay. You can't block a child from self expression. The end result as an adult is very, very bad. Often when you have temporary non agreement, that child on their own accord will come back to you and be like, I'm sorry. I actually see what I did and I did this and this and this. And you're like, yes, you really understand, it's okay, I'm sorry too. And they're like, okay, and that's the end. But if you sit there and you like do the, you know, the beat a dead horse scenario where you like won't let it go until you feel like it's solved, that child's going to resent you, it's going to make them feel unstable and then they never really learn why. They just kind of give in to you because they're afraid of you. Temporary non agreement is crucial.
- [88:21]
Sponsor/Advertiser
6.
- [88:21]
Parenting Expert
Supporting their ability to assert independence safely and respectfully. That I feel goes in line with the temporary non agreement and the boundaries bit. 7. Help them see who they are accurately. If you don't accurately reflect how that child is showing up in the world, this could go one of two ways. They could make up this scenario in their head that they're this dark terrible monster because their internal negative self talk kind of gets masked all over their body. Or they can go the opposite and they can think that they're like a super cool badass, super successful by the way. This is what actually breeds a real narcissist. But they're not actually putting any effort to do any of these things. So then everything that bumps up against them, they go immediately. Aggression, aggression, aggression. So helping a child reflect back who they actually are helps them decide if that's what they want. If you're reflecting inaccurately back to your kid, you're giving them a false sense of reality and you're making them believe there's something they're not. And having the choice to decide who you want to be is born out of showing them who they actually are. If you're not reflecting that accurately, you basically disable them for the rest of their lives. So that one's a really important one. And number eight goes in tandem with that super, super important. Learn how to accurately self measure. If I were to look at the difference between seven and eight, seven is like, I'm reflecting back to you with accuracy, which is important. To get to number eight, the child has to actually learn to look in the mirror and be like, did I actually put in 100% effort there? And then you're like, didn't really. I'm gonna try harder next time. The reason these are in order, all of these have to happen for the child to be able to be like, you know what? I didn't really do my best there. I'm gonna go try harder. If any of these doesn't happen, neither does number eight. And I'll tell you right now, the most successful adults that I know, that I call my friends that I love and adore, who have built huge businesses, have great relationships with God, have great relationships with their kids, guess what they all have in common. Number eight. They actually know when they're doing something shitty. They know when they're like, I didn't actually try that hard. And on the flip, they know how to push themselves harder than anybody I've ever met. They don't need somebody else to blow smoke up their ass. They don't need somebody else to be like, oh, you did such a good job from within. They actually have a good measuring stick of, am I doing enough or am I doing too little? This is a key for success in our world and it cannot be created without everything above it. So I encourage you, take a picture of this, live it, apply it in your day to day life with your kids. Remember, that doesn't matter how old your kids are, you can start doing these things right away. It's not going to be perfect. But holding yourself and constantly replaying what you did wrong and living in regret and remorse is not productive. Change what you're doing right now. And key piece, if you ever go back and watch any of the other break parenting lectures, figure out if you have older kids, what areas you didn't stick the landing here and ask them how they defined it in their mind and have a moment to be like, you know what, take responsibility for that though. I did that. I'm really sorry. Often they're going to be like, wow, I can't believe you just actually acknowledged that you did that. Often that child's trajectory into adulthood can be healed in that one moment that you actually say, yeah, I actually did that. Because you've had other ways of denying nine to nine which feel like gaslighting to them. So as soon as you actually acknowledge, yes, I did that and here's why I did it. And they actually get that you get the mechanism so that they know you won't do it again. They actually can build trust with you back. So it's never too late to take responsibility and show them that you understand the mechanism so they can trust you understand how not to do it again. It's the same thing with a child. If we're parenting them to understand why they landed themselves in a painful situation, we're parenting the child to not end up like us where we're doing a bunch of harm and then we're trying to clean it up at 35. So I really hope I drove home how important some of these things are that are like oh, they're so sweet and kind and soft and snuggly and I'm so conscious. These things have their own problems attached to them. So I encourage you to sit with these, be honest, not hold yourself in a situation of guilt or shame, but really just be like, yep, I did those things. Here's how I'm going to clean it up and move forward.
- [93:01]
Sponsor/Advertiser
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