Design Matters with Debbie Millman: Best of Design Matters Featuring Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Introduction
In this compelling episode of Design Matters with Debbie Millman, host Debbie Millman engages in an in-depth conversation with renowned sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski. Drawing from her extensive research and personal experiences, Nagoski delves into the intricate dynamics of desire, pleasure, and sustaining meaningful sexual connections in long-term relationships.
Emily Nagoski’s Background and Early Life
Emily Nagoski shares a poignant account of her upbringing, describing her childhood in a "profoundly dysfunctional and neglectful family" plagued by an alcoholic, narcissistic father. She recounts how her early environment necessitated self-reliance and provided an escape through extensive reading and academic success.
"I had this resource of being able to dwell in books. I would, over the summer, go to the library and literally just get a stack of books, lie on the couch, and read 12 hours a day."
[07:24] – Emily Nagoski
This refuge into literature not only sustained her through a turbulent early life but also ignited her lifelong passion for understanding human sexuality.
Educational Journey and Career Path
Initially aspiring to a literary career, Nagoski pragmatically shifted her focus to psychology, completing her undergraduate degree with minors in cognitive science and philosophy. Her pivot toward sexual education was catalyzed by her volunteer work as a peer sex educator and subsequent roles at the Kinsey Institute.
"I loved everything about it. Every question was an opportunity for me to learn something and apply the skills that I had started developing in 1995 in terms of, like, how to do the education piece of it."
[19:15] – Emily Nagoski
Her academic pursuits culminated in a Ph.D. in health behavior, where she developed complex models to understand sexual motivation and disease diffusion, laying the groundwork for her influential work on sexual health.
Understanding Desire and Pleasure
Central to Nagoski's discourse is the distinction between desire and pleasure. She introduces the Dual Control Model, which posits that sexual response is governed by two systems: the sexual accelerator (desire) and the sexual brake (suppressors). The interplay between these systems determines an individual's sexual behavior and satisfaction.
"People vary in the sensitivity of that brain accelerator and that brake."
[20:00] – Emily Nagoski
Nagoski emphasizes that understanding one's unique balance of these systems is crucial for fostering a healthy sexual life.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
Nagoski differentiates between spontaneous desire, which arises unexpectedly, and responsive desire, which emerges in response to sexual stimuli. She advocates for the validation of both forms, challenging the cultural stigma that often prioritizes spontaneous desire as the ideal.
"Responsive desire, it emerges in response to pleasure where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure."
[53:05] – Emily Nagoski
This distinction is pivotal in her approach to helping couples navigate their sexual relationships, especially those where spontaneous desire wanes over time.
Cultural Influences on Sexuality
A significant portion of the discussion addresses how societal norms and historical contexts have shaped perceptions of female sexuality. Nagoski traces back the roots of sexual suppression to patriarchal structures and purity cultures, highlighting how these forces have perpetuated myths that undermine women's sexual autonomy and satisfaction.
"The myths originate in the idea that a woman's body is the property of the men who own her."
[28:01] – Emily Nagoski
By dissecting these cultural narratives, Nagoski underscores the importance of deconstructing harmful beliefs to achieve authentic and fulfilling sexual experiences.
Emotional Floor Plan and Internal States
Nagoski introduces the concept of the Emotional Floor Plan, a metaphorical framework for understanding the various emotional states that influence sexual desire and pleasure. This model includes seven primary process emotions categorized into pleasure-favorable and pleasure-adverse emotions, alongside additional spaces like the thinking mind and observational distance.
"The floor plan is a metaphor to make Jac Pan's research, his framework, accessible and usable so that you can have a conversation with other people about your internal state."
[67:06] – Emily Nagoski
This tool assists individuals and couples in identifying and navigating their emotional landscapes to foster healthier sexual connections.
Personal Relationship Experiences
Nagoski candidly shares her marital journey, detailing periods where despite her expertise, she and her husband struggled to maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. This vulnerability underscores the universality of sexual challenges and the importance of continuous effort and adaptation within relationships.
"We've been following our own advice, and I think things are better than they have been in all the 13 years that we've been together."
[75:07] – Emily Nagoski
Through these personal anecdotes, Nagoski illustrates the practical application of her theories and the transformative potential of intentional sexual connection.
Characteristics of Successful Sexual Connections
Drawing from her research, Nagoski outlines key traits that underpin enduring and satisfying sexual relationships:
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Mutual Liking and Friendship: Couples who genuinely like and trust each other lay a strong foundation for sexual connection.
"They like each other. They have a friendship, they admire and trust each other."
[72:04] – Emily Nagoski -
Prioritization of Sex: Recognizing sex as a vital component of the relationship encourages couples to dedicate time and energy to their sexual bond.
"They decide that it matters, that sex contributes something unique and important to their connection."
[72:17] – Emily Nagoski -
Authenticity and Self-Exploration: Couples actively discard societal expectations and explore their genuine sexual identities, fostering an authentic and fulfilling connection.
"They decide to stop following somebody else's rules about who they are supposed to be as sexual people."
[72:04] – Emily Nagoski
Conclusion
Dr. Emily Nagoski's insights offer a nuanced understanding of human sexuality, emphasizing the duality of desire systems, the impact of cultural narratives, and the significance of emotional awareness in sustaining sexual relationships. Her work serves as a vital resource for individuals and couples seeking to enhance their sexual well-being and cultivate lasting connections grounded in pleasure, empathy, and authenticity.
"You are normal and you're going to be different from literally everyone else on earth. I have an identical twin sister. Our sexualities are very different."
[76:31] – Emily Nagoski
By embracing diversity in sexual experiences and fostering open communication, Nagoski empowers her audience to redefine normalcy and achieve fulfilling sexual lives.
For more insights and to stay updated with Emily Nagoski's work, visit emilynagoski.com.