Design Matters with Debbie Millman: Jennifer Pastiloff Episode Summary

Introduction to Jennifer Pastiloff

In the July 7, 2025 episode of Design Matters with Debbie Millman, host Cheryl Strayed engages in an intimate and profound conversation with Jennifer Pastiloff. Jennifer, a writer, teacher, and workshop creator, delves into her personal journey of overcoming internal struggles, embracing vulnerability, and finding strength in honesty. This episode explores the transformative power of acknowledging one's hidden truths and the beauty that emerges from embracing one's authentic self.

Early Life and Trauma

Jennifer begins by sharing a pivotal moment from her childhood. On July 15, 1983, at just eight years old, Jennifer's father passed away suddenly. In her grief, she uttered the words, "I hate you," directed at her father for his smoking despite his illness ([05:01]). This moment of profound loss and anger left a lasting impact, instilling in her an excessive need to control her surroundings to prevent such drastic changes from occurring again.

Struggles with Self-Hate and Control

Growing up, Jennifer grappled with intense self-awareness and self-loathing. Reflecting on her past, she admits, "I was always self-aware... but I would trick myself to get through the day" ([06:25]). This internal battle manifested in behaviors like anorexia, where controlling her body became a primary means of exerting control over her life. Jennifer candidly discusses how these struggles shaped her identity and relationships.

Relationship with Her Mother

Jennifer's relationship with her mother is complex, characterized by both love and unresolved pain. Her mother, a single parent and teacher, endured severe abuse in her own childhood and never openly expressed love to Jennifer or her siblings. As her mother now battles early Alzheimer's, Jennifer reflects on developing compassion for her, acknowledging the deep-seated traumas that influenced their relationship ([07:59]). This evolution from resentment to understanding highlights Jennifer's capacity for empathy and forgiveness.

Realizing and Accepting Hearing Loss

A significant revelation in Jennifer's life was her gradual realization of profound hearing loss. Initially, she concealed her hearing impairment, only acknowledging it years later during yoga teacher training ([11:12]). This acceptance marked a turning point, allowing her to connect more deeply with others and develop unique listening skills, even as she navigates the challenges of being "between worlds" as someone with a hearing disability.

Discovery of Yoga and Writing

Jennifer's journey towards healing began with yoga, which she initially pursued to recover from injuries related to an eating disorder. She discovered that yoga provided her with moments of clarity and respite from depression, complementing her use of antidepressants ([25:30]). Simultaneously, her passion for writing flourished, leading her to integrate poetry and storytelling into her yoga workshops. This blend of physical and creative expression became a cornerstone of her therapeutic practice ([27:55]).

Building Workshops and Integrating Creativity

Jennifer elaborates on how her workshops evolved into spaces of connection and creativity. By combining yoga with writing exercises, she fosters an environment where participants feel safe to express themselves without judgment. One of her favorite prompts, "Are you willing to be bad? Are you willing to suck?" encourages participants to let go of perfectionism and embrace their authentic experiences ([37:45]). This approach underscores Jennifer's belief in the transformative power of vulnerability and self-acceptance.

Publication of Books and Personal Growth

Jennifer's literary endeavors led to the publication of her books, On Being Human and Proof of Life. In her new book, she reflects on personal growth, reclaiming her voice as a poet, and embracing significant life changes such as sobriety and ending a long-term marriage amicably ([42:22]). Her writing is characterized by a blend of humor, reverence, and raw honesty, offering readers a heartfelt exploration of grief, love, and self-discovery.

Facing Grief and Embracing Vulnerability

A recurring theme in Jennifer's narrative is the importance of allowing oneself to feel and process grief. She emphasizes that "energy doesn't die" and that unaddressed emotions can persist and resurface over time ([47:35]). Through her workshops and writing, Jennifer advocates for bearing witness to one's emotions, transforming pain into art and fostering a deeper connection with oneself and others.

Insights on Self-Worth and Cultural Pressures

Jennifer challenges societal notions of productivity and achievement, advocating for inherent self-worth beyond external validations. She critiques cultural pressures that equate value with success, urging listeners to recognize their intrinsic worth simply by being alive ([45:53]). Her message resonates deeply in a culture obsessed with constant achievement, providing a refreshing perspective on self-acceptance and inner peace.

Conclusion: Jennifer’s Message and Advice

In her closing remarks, Jennifer offers heartfelt advice to those struggling with self-hate and feelings of inadequacy. She encourages individuals to "believe the person in front of you" and to cultivate self-compassion through exercises like writing letters from the perspective of someone who loves them ([63:55]). Her final thoughts emphasize the importance of finding supportive communities and trusting in one's inherent worth, leaving listeners with a powerful message of hope and resilience.

Notable Quotes

• Jennifer Pastiloff ([00:01]): "All the things that I hid about myself, all the years that I hid my depression, grief, hearing loss. I realized when I started talking about them, people showed up in droves to thank me and to say I feel seen."

• Jennifer Pastiloff ([05:33]): "He died right after I said that. And in my 8-year-old mind, it was because I was bad, so everything's my fault."

• Jennifer Pastiloff ([27:55]): "I started giving myself permission little by little... All the things that we hide are the most magical, wonderful, beautiful things."

• Jennifer Pastiloff ([42:22]): "I reclaimed myself as a poet... I stayed very true to my voice."

• Jennifer Pastiloff ([63:55]): "Believe the person in front of you... You are worthy simply by virtue of being born."

Final Thoughts

This episode of Design Matters offers a compelling exploration of Jennifer Pastiloff's life, highlighting her resilience, creativity, and unwavering commitment to authenticity. Through her honest reflections and transformative journey, Jennifer inspires listeners to embrace their true selves, confront their hidden struggles, and find beauty in vulnerability. Her story is a testament to the powerful impact of speaking one's truth and the profound connections that emerge from genuine self-expression.