Break Toxic Patterns: Heal Before You Date! | Ashley Taylor-Maland DSH #756

Summary

Break Toxic Patterns: Heal Before You Date! | Ashley Taylor-Maland DSH #756

In episode #756 of Digital Social Hour, host Sean Kelly sits down with Ashley Taylor-Maland, a renowned speaker and advocate for healthy relationships. Released on September 25, 2024, this episode delves deep into Ashley’s personal journey of overcoming toxic relationship patterns and emphasizes the critical importance of healing before entering the dating world.

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1. Ashley’s Personal Journey with Toxic Relationships

Ashley opens up about her tumultuous past, sharing how her early experiences shaped her relationship choices. At [01:09], she reveals, “I had an abusive relationship... I had a pattern with the types of people that I was choosing, and it really affected my life.” This admission marks the beginning of her transformative journey toward self-awareness and healing.

2. The Importance of Healing Before Dating

A central theme of the episode is the necessity of personal healing prior to dating. Ashley passionately asserts at [03:51]: “I’m a big advocate for if you’re not doing the inner work, you shouldn’t be dating because you can’t possibly be ready for a relationship if you don’t want to know what you need...” She emphasizes that without understanding one’s own triggers and needs, individuals are likely to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns.

3. Societal Pressures and Personal Standards

Ashley discusses the societal expectations placed on women, particularly the pressure to marry and have children by a certain age. At [05:33], she shares, “I was totally like that. I think most young women are... they have to have the perfect family by a certain age.” She contrasts this with her own experience of choosing to remain single later in life to find a truly compatible partner.

4. Accountability and Self-Reflection in Relationships

The conversation shifts to the importance of accountability in relationships. Ashley emphasizes at [07:16]: “I’m so big on accountability. Even in the abusive relationships that I’ve had, I think it’s super duper important to, like, look within yourself...” She advocates for personal responsibility in recognizing why one might allow toxic behavior in relationships, rather than solely blaming the other party.

5. Trauma’s Impact on Relationships

Ashley and Sean explore the profound impact of trauma on relationship dynamics. She explains at [26:11]: “They say that people who have been in domestic violence relationships actually have similar brain scans to war veterans.” This highlights how deeply ingrained trauma can mirror the neurological patterns seen in PTSD, affecting one’s ability to form healthy attachments.

6. Healing Practices and Personal Growth

Ashley shares the steps she took to heal from her past, emphasizing a holistic approach. At [20:54], she recounts, “I started exercising more, getting healthier physically, mentally, spiritually. Started reading books that were inspiring...” Additionally, she underscores the importance of allowing oneself to fully experience and process emotions, stating, “What we don’t process in our body is stored.”

7. Communication and Healthy Relationship Dynamics

Effective communication emerges as a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Ashley highlights at [12:02]: “Every single day you should be able to be open and honest about everything.” She discusses the challenges of maintaining consistent communication and the significance of finding a partner who can remain calm and communicative, even during conflicts.

8. Modern Dating Challenges and Dating Apps

The duo delves into the pitfalls of modern dating, particularly the use of dating apps. Ashley critiques at [15:15]: “I feel like I met a lot of people that were looking for superficial things... I'm just dating you, I'm not dating other people.” She expresses her dissatisfaction with the superficial connections fostered by apps, advocating for more genuine and monogamous approaches to dating.

9. Trauma’s Influence on Relationship Patterns

Ashley and Sean discuss how unresolved trauma can lead to repeating toxic relationship patterns. At [24:54], Ashley shares, “And that affects your entire life too. I did as well.” They explore how childhood experiences, such as abandonment and neglect, can subconsciously influence adult relationship choices, often leading to codependency or fear of intimacy.

10. Conclusion and Resources

Towards the end of the episode, Ashley provides listeners with resources to continue their healing journey. She shares at [32:05]: “You can follow me on Tik Tok... I also have a podcast called Not for Nothing Podcast... I am a great listener and I will always give encouragement...” This invitation underscores her commitment to supporting others in breaking their toxic patterns and fostering healthy relationships.

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Notable Quotes

• Ashley Taylor-Maland at [03:51]: “I’m a big advocate for if you’re not doing the inner work, you shouldn’t be dating because you can’t possibly be ready for a relationship if you don’t want to know what you need...”

• Ashley Taylor-Maland at [07:16]: “I’m so big on accountability. Even in the abusive relationships that I’ve had, I think it’s super duper important to, like, look within yourself...”

• Ashley Taylor-Maland at [26:11]: “They say that people who have been in domestic violence relationships actually have similar brain scans to war veterans.”

• Ashley Taylor-Maland at [32:05]: “You can follow me on Tik Tok... I also have a podcast called Not for Nothing Podcast... I am a great listener and I will always give encouragement...”

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Key Takeaways

1. Self-Healing is Fundamental: Before embarking on new relationships, individuals must engage in personal healing to avoid repeating toxic patterns.
2. Accountability Enhances Growth: Taking responsibility for one’s role in past relationships fosters personal growth and healthier future connections.
3. Effective Communication is Crucial: Open, honest, and consistent communication is essential for sustaining healthy relationships.
4. Modern Dating Requires Caution: While dating apps offer convenience, they often promote superficial connections, making genuine relationships more challenging to cultivate.
5. Understanding Trauma’s Role: Recognizing and addressing trauma is vital in breaking free from destructive relationship cycles.

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Final Thoughts

Ashley Taylor-Maland’s conversation with Sean Kelly serves as a profound reminder of the importance of self-awareness and healing in the realm of relationships. By sharing her vulnerabilities and triumphs, Ashley provides listeners with both inspiration and practical advice on fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections. Whether you're navigating the complexities of modern dating or seeking to break free from past toxic patterns, this episode offers valuable insights and encouragement to embark on the journey of self-discovery and relational well-being.

For more insights and resources, follow Ashley on TikTok, Instagram, or tune into her Not for Nothing Podcast.

Transcript

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Hey, music fans, there are some great concerts headed this way. Don't miss out on all the shows in your favorite venues, like Deftones at Madison Square Garden, Eagles at the Sphere, and Foster, the people at the Ryman Auditorium. Tickets are going fast, so don't wait. Head to livenation.com to get your tickets. Now that's livenation.com early relationship. Early on, when your brain is still developing and you kind of adapt to a certain behavior from people because you don't know better. And so from that point on, that becomes your normal. So you start choosing people that fit the same patterns that that person. And that's what I did. I. I just wasn't. I didn't have the confidence. I didn't have the. The value in myself. I didn't know what I deserved.

[Unknown Host]

All right, guys, got Ashley Taylor Mayland here. Today we're gonna talk relationships.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Okay, let's do it.

[Unknown Host]

That's a hot topic, right?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It sure is. Everybody. Everybody can relate to that topic.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. What. What drove you to be so passionate about speaking out about. About this stuff?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I've just. I. I had a. In my early, younger years, I had an abusive relationship. And I realized after, like, doing some of the healing work and getting in therapy that I had a pattern with the types of people that I was choosing, and it really affected my life, and I had to really, like, dig deeply within and go, okay, why are you choosing people that aren't a good fit for you? So that was kind of how my journey began. And after my divorce, I just really dug in. I dug in and did the work on the inside and started talking about it online, and it was just like, it blew up. Everybody, Everyone in the world can relate to it.

[Unknown Host]

You know, that's so deep. When I was friend zoned in high school, I would see these girls always go after the same toxic guys. I'm like, why are they doing that?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. And there's a reason for that. It all. It stems from so many things. For some people, it's childhood wounds that they have that they've never healed. For some, it's an early relationship, early on, when your brain is still developing and you kind of adapt to a certain behavior from people because you don't know better. And so from that point on, that becomes your normal. So you start choosing people that fit the same patterns that that person. And that's what I did. I. I just wasn't. I didn't have the confidence. I didn't have the. The value in myself. I didn't know what I Deserved. I'd only experienced one type of thing. And because all the relationships I chose after that kind of mirrored that same pattern, I continued just thinking that was how it is. That's just how people are. That's how they behave in a relationship.

[Unknown Host]

Yes. You were probably subconsciously attracting the same.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Type of person, 100% realizing it without even realizing it, because you don't. No one goes out and chooses, oh, I really want someone toxic.

[Unknown Host]

Right.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's the goal. Like, give me the toxic guy. That's not what we do. But there are certain little things that, you know, a normal, healthy, healed person sees in someone. They can go, okay, this is not. This is not a good fit for me. This is a red flag.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Versus when you're like, oh, this is what I'm used to. I've accepted this before. And because I don't have the confidence or the value in myself, I'm going to allow it because I really want this person to like me.

[Unknown Host]

Right. Yeah. I would see these people keep dating cheaters. Like, they would get cheated on, stay in it, and just blew my mind because I'm so logical. So that, to me, never made sense.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, it doesn't. And it doesn't until you're in the situation. I think a lot of people accept cheating because they have, like, a deeply empathetic heart. I think they want to believe that people are being honest when they say, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done this. And so they're looking for the good in someone even when they're showing them the bad. And I think that's why a lot of people stay. I. And again, back to childhood wounds, wounds that you haven't healed, things you haven't done the work in. In therapy where you're. You don't believe you deserve better than that.

[Unknown Host]

Right. So do you think people should heal their wounds before dating?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I. Yeah, actually do. I'm a big advocate for if you're not doing the inner work, you shouldn't be dating because you can't possibly be ready for a relationship if you don't want to know what you need and if you don't know what triggers you and if you don't know what's going to hurt you. Right. Like, so many of us go in, we just dive into, like, the dating world. We have no idea who to look for, what kind of things and values that we have, what kind of standards we have, what kind of expectations we have. We don't know what's good for us in a partner.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And so we're just kind of like going around like picking and choosing whoever is available, whoever is interested, without any idea of what the consequences are going to be, what with being with someone that you're one, not compatible with. And two, isn't going to be able to meet your needs. Right. So I. I think that healing work is. It's a journey, it's lifelong. But you do as much as you can on your own and then you put yourself out there when you know what your standards are so that you're not settling every single time you date someone new.

[Unknown Host]

Right. I love that. There's also societal pressure of friends and parents, especially for women, I feel like, in their 20s to like, have kids and stuff and get married.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. I will say this. I was totally like that. I think most young women are. They're like, I've got to get married by a certain age, I have to have kids by a certain age, have to have the perfect family by a certain age. And. And they fear the thought of being 30 plus and being on the market. Knowing what I know now. I would rather be. Because I've been married. I was married for 10 years. I would still rather be single at 50 and still have not found the one and have the peace of mind that the one will come into my life at some point. Then just pick whoever to get, you know, all the checks off of my list.

[Unknown Host]

Wow.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Because there is. It is really difficult to be in a marriage. You have to make sure that it's someone that you're genuinely, truly compatible with that can love you in the way. Can love you in the ways that you. You need and want and vice versa. You want it to be your best friend. Right. You want to enjoy that person even when the romance is gone.

[Unknown Host]

Absolutely.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And if you pick just anyone, the struggles are just ten times harder.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. So you got married young?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I did. I was 26, I believe so.

[Unknown Host]

Kind of young.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Yeah, kind of young. I thought I was ready. I thought I was at a good age for it. Of course I had that checklist, you know, But I. I really wasn't. I was not ready. I had not been in therapy. I didn't know who I was. I was very codependent, very insecure, had a lot of insecurities about relationships and love and trust and all these things. I had been cheated on in every relationship I'd been in. I had been in an abusive relationship. So my standards were very low. My expectations were high, but my standards were low. And so I just, I had no idea how to Be in a relationship and actually be in a good, healthy place.

[Unknown Host]

Right. And it's hard to admit you. It might be you that's part of the problem.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, yeah, 100%. I. I wanted the fairy tale, like every girl does. Right. I wanted that fairy tale life where you get married and you're madly in love and you're doing all these romantic things together. And then the reality of it crushed me because it was nothing like I had hoped it would be or wanted it to be. And that wasn't any more his fault than it was mine for expecting it, you know, but that was just the way that it happened. And that hit me really hard.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. When I see my friends break up with people and they take no accountability, I'm like, dude, yeah. It's not 100. The other person's fault. Right. It's. It's a relationship.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Like, that's right.

[Unknown Host]

Whether it's 90, 10, or 50. 50.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's right. So I'm. I'm so big on accountability. Like, even. Even in the abusive relationships that I've had, I think it's super duper important to, like, look within yourself and go, okay, yes, this person was abusive. This person was toxic, and I didn't deserve that. But it's my responsibility to ask myself why I allowed it. It's my responsibility to ask myself, how do I heal from this and. And get myself into a place where I don't ever allow it again. Right.

[Unknown Host]

Right.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

But it is so easy to point a finger. It's so. It's so easy to just go, oh, they were abusive or they were toxic and it was all their fault. But that's not really true because people can only treat you how you accept and allow them to treat you.

[Unknown Host]

It's tough. Yeah. I used to do it with friends. Whenever we would split ways with friends.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

I would talk negatively, and I. I had to stop doing that.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, wow.

[Unknown Host]

Because just in high school, gossip is, like, the hot thing.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, it sure is.

[Unknown Host]

I don't know if I picked it up from that, but I don't know.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

If it's just high school. I think that's life.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, that's true. Even co workers know there's always people talking negatively.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

How old were you when you realized, like, okay, this isn't. This isn't who I want to be.

[Unknown Host]

Like, probably, like, recently, honestly, maybe 25, because I had victim mentality, I had the gossiping going on.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

It was just bad.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I mean, it's so easy to get sucked into it. It really is. It it's when things go south, whether they're friendships or relationships, it is really, really hard to look at yourself. It is really hard when someone has hurt you to go, you know what? It wasn't just them. Yes, they hurt me. But it was two people involved in this situation. And as much as it hurts to, like, say, you know what? I have fault here too. It. It's really vital to our growth, like, our inner growth. Like, you can't. You can't change and be the best version of yourself if you can't look at where you're falling short in your own life, you know, in your relationships especially.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. Are you on speaking terms with your.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Ex or which one? Oh, with my ex husband. I am. Yes. We. We have a daughter that's nine. So I talk a little bit about, you know, just my own stuff in the marriage. I don't ever talk about the marriage itself because it's really important to me that my daughter never hears a single thing about her father from me, especially in public settings. Like, she should never have to hear any negative word about her dad. He's a great dad. He's a great dad. And our marriage didn't work. And that's okay. It's, you know, a bummer. And it was hard for both of us, but she should only ever know the good things about him. And that's, you know, something I stick to.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, that's respect. Because there's people bashing their. Their exes.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Host]

Social media.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I talk about my internal experience, like, my struggles, the pain that I experience, and my. My thoughts. I write a lot, and I think that's okay, but I can't. I can't do that. In fact, I was asked to go on a dating show, like, a couple of months ago, and once I got into, like, the stages of the interviews and things like that, they wanted me to dog my ex husband. They wanted me to just, like, Terry limb from limb, because they were trying to create, like, the story around, you know, my spot in the show. And it just didn't feel good. It didn't feel right at all. They were putting words in my mouth, and I thought, like, I can't. I can't live with that. Like, I can't have something that would be on national television that my daughter will see one day, that my family will see one day, that he would see one day knowing that I did it and said all these horrible things about someone that is my. My daughter's father. Like, I can't do that. It just. It felt so wrong. And I even told them like, I, I'm sorry, but I just can't. And they were like, okay. And they just let me go. So I was like, okay. Now I know for sure that's what they wanted me to do, but I feel good about that choice.

[Unknown Host]

I might know what dating show that was.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

You do?

[Unknown Host]

Was it too hot to handle?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

No, no, it was a new one, actually. It was like a pilot episode they were going to be creating. So, yeah, they wanted me to, like, put. Like, put on my old wedding dress that I never wore. And it was. It was getting there.

[Unknown Host]

Wait, you never wore it?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I never wore it. Yeah, we. We got with the justice of peace and never had a wedding.

[Unknown Host]

Whoa.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, so. And. And at first, I was okay with it. Over the years, I'm like, man, I never. I never had, like, that dream wedding.

[Unknown Host]

Right.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And that's okay. But I. Yeah, I still have that dress. And so they were like, well, we want you to wear it on the show, and we can talk about how you never wore it. I'm like, something feels weird about this. Like, I just don't want that to be the narrative around my, you know, spot here.

[Unknown Host]

But, yeah, my parents got married in courthouse, but I know how important it is to my fiance to have a wedding.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

So it is every girl's dream to walk down.

[Unknown Host]

I'm going all out on. It's expensive. Oh, holy crap.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That was one of the biggest things we argued about was, like, the. Just the cost of things, and that was part of why we didn't even have one.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. If you want, like, 100, 200 people, it's like 100,000 bucks.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I can't even imagine.

[Unknown Host]

It's pretty nuts.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's the benefit of not having a wedding.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. You know, save a lot of money.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That could be vacation money right there. You know, it could be down payment on a new house.

[Unknown Host]

But how important do you think is it to have, like, weekly or monthly conversations with your significant other?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, I think daily.

[Unknown Host]

Daily.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, 100. I mean, don't get me wrong. I think everyone has to have their own life, especially in relationships. Like, being an ex codependent person, I. I understand that. Like, we all need our own space. We all have to have our own things going on. I think that's really, really important. And we have to have, like, the grace to let other people, you know, that we're in relationships with kind of do their own thing, too. But I think for me, and this might be a personal thing, communication is so Important. I'm a communicator. I do well with communication. Like, my anxiety stays here. If I'm with someone that's a good communicator, they're not. I'm just constantly up in my head, and I. It's something I'm working on, but I just. Yeah. I think every single day you should be able to be open and honest about everything. You should be able to talk about anything. And maybe you can't, like, talk about the serious stuff every single day, but there should be a constant flow of communication, I think.

[Unknown Host]

Respect. Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

What about lying? Like, do you tolerate that?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's a. That's a good question. I think it depends on the intention behind the lie. I think if. Because we're all imperfect, you know, no one's perfect. We're. We're going to do things in relationships that we're not necessarily proud of. So I think if someone is lying to hide something that they want to keep from you so they can get away with something that's wrong. I do think that sometimes we lie out of insecurity. I think we lie out of the fear of what someone's going to think of us. I do think that, in a way, is forgivable, you know, because I, I. You can work through things like that. If, like, someone lies about, oh, you know, I have this position at my job and I'm making this much money. Like, that's a weird lie. But it's also, like, I could see why they're. They're trying to impress you. They. Lies are a red flag, period. But some things I think are forgivable.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. My mom's on dating sites, and she said a lot of guys lie about their height.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh. Every one of them. Every. Especially the shorter guys. And no judgment. No, I'm not. I don't mind short guys. Not at all. That's fine with me. But they always do at least be.

[Unknown Host]

Realistic with it, because she said she showed up to a date and the guy was her height, so he was off by six inches.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Six?

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

What?

[Unknown Host]

Like, I could see maybe an inch or two.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, my.

[Unknown Host]

Six.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's. That is a big lie.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, six is too much.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

What did he think was gonna happen?

[Unknown Host]

Like, oh, no, I'm not that short.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Did she see him again after that?

[Unknown Host]

Oh, hell no. Because if you're gonna lie about six inches, what else are you gonna lie?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I mean, that. Yeah, that's a big. That's a big one. Yeah, you're right. If he had been like, yeah, I'm five'ten but he was really five'nine Whatever.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. An inch. Whatever. I mean, I round up with the fro. I say, I'm six'six I could get by now, but six inches.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

You could pull off six. Six, though, because you are actually really tall.

[Unknown Host]

It's harder to tell when you're taller.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

No one's gonna be like, here, let me get the measuring tape out. Are you actually six? Six?

[Unknown Host]

And she said age, too.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, that's interesting to me. I will say, when I first got on dating sites, I put my middle name instead of my first name. I don't do them anymore. I will never do dating sites again. But. But, yeah, I put my middle name instead of my first name.

[Unknown Host]

So people can Google you.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes. That's exactly why I didn't want them looking at my social media. I didn't want them seeing who I was. Like, I wanted to get to know them on a personal level and be like, oh, yeah, by the way.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, it's easy to judge someone.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

When you see their Instagram or something.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

Why are you against dating apps now?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I'm not against them for everyone. I. For me, the experiences that I've had weren't great. I felt like I met a lot of, like, people that were looking for superficial things, and dating sites were easy for them. It was like an easy way to meet multiple people at a time. And I'm such a. Like, if I'm dating you, I'm dating you. I'm not dating other people, which I know is not how the world works anymore, but that's how I am.

[Unknown Host]

Monogamous.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Very monogamous. Rare concept, very faithful, very loyal. Immediately. Even if it doesn't benefit me in the long run, I still. It's just how I am. I don't. I can't do the multiple dating, you know, people thing. Yeah. But that seems like dating sites are just. There's a lot of people that are like, this is my way of having all the options. And, Yeah, I didn't. Didn't care for that.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And the lying, too.

[Unknown Host]

Lying. Yeah. They made it so easy now to date. It's crazy. Back then. You have to work for it.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

You really did meet someone in the grocery store.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

Bar or something.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Talk for two hours on the phone. Now you can barely get a text back because they're texting 16 other people. So it's like.

[Unknown Host]

It's crazy. And Instagram's pretty much dating app.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Host]

You probably get so many people sliding in your DMs it's.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

But it's all the scary people. Like, I. I joke with my friend Sarah, like, I don't know what other people are like on their social media, what kind of, you know, invitations they get on their social media. But mine are all, like, scary people out in the middle of nowhere that look like convicts that I'm like, why me, though? Why do I get all these, you know, creepers? But it is what it is pretty wild.

[Unknown Host]

I. I even get some.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And do you.

[Unknown Host]

I just. I just show my girl. We just crack up.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I mean, it's. It's so. It's sad too. Like, I feel for them.

[Unknown Host]

No. I can't believe girls are shooting their shot now. Like, yeah, it used to be traditional where guys are the one making the move.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, it's so common. I mean, I'll admit, if I, if I was out, I saw a guy that I was super interested in that I thought was really attractive. I have no issue just going over and saying, hey, how are you? Let's get a drink. I have no issue doing that.

[Unknown Host]

You're an alpha.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I don't want to be an alpha, but I just, I don't know. I've always been that way. Like, I. In fact, that was how I met my ex husband. Like. Oh, yeah, I. Yeah, we passed each other in a bar and I was like, hey. And yeah, that was it.

[Unknown Host]

Wow. It was over from there.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It was literally over from there for another 10 years. So. But I'm trying to work on, like, stepping back, like, letting someone come to me if they're interested because I think that it's. It's good to, like, men like to pursue.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I think you could tell me if I'm wrong.

[Unknown Host]

No, I think they do. Well, some of them do.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, the simps don't like to.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, really? What do you mean?

[Unknown Host]

Like, some guys with hella money, they just want the girls to come to them.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, you know, that's annoying. Yeah, that's super annoying. They're like, I don't even need to pursue.

[Unknown Host]

But that's only like the top 1%.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Which that, that reminds me of, like. What's that guy's name?

[Unknown Host]

Andrew Tate.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

You knew it. Immediately you say top 1%, you immediately think Andrew Tate. And that's exactly what I'm talk. Talking about. But, like, I don't know about him. He just, he rubs me the wrong way.

[Unknown Host]

Really? What, what aspect of him?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

There are some things I do agree with, but I don't like the idea that he, he talks so egotistically. I don't like that. I mean, we all have a little bit of ego within us, right? But he, he talks like women are just there to like, make his life better. Now don't get me wrong, I think if you're in a relationship, you should both be actively trying to make each other's lives better.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And I don't know the guy, he could be very different in like, his relationships, but I hate the, of like super wealthy men just wanting to date all the women they can, because they can, and treating them all like just little pieces of their puzzle. I don't like that.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, they see it very. Like a puzzle almost.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. I think it's superficial and I. I don't know how people do that.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, I guess when you have that much money, it's weird, right?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, I guess that's true.

[Unknown Host]

They have a lot of trust issues and they just want to accomplish a certain thing. I don't know.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I. I don't know either. I wish I did. But anyway, we'll see.

[Unknown Host]

Going back to the trauma stuff and overcoming that. How were you able to finally break that? Because that's something you had your whole life, right?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, literally my entire life. I. It was like sometime last year I had kind of been dating someone. It felt, it just fell apart. Same thing. And it. I don't know what happened, but in that moment it hit me so hard and I kept thinking to myself, why am I this upset over this person that I really didn't date that long? And I realized it wasn't because of the, it wasn't even because of him. It was because of all of the other relationships that I had been hurt in and felt betrayed in and been abused in all like, coming to the surface because I had never really sat with that. And I just hit rock bottom and I, I really, emotionally, I went there, I felt very suicidal. And I just realized, like, I need to heal from these things because they're going to keep coming back up, they're going to keep resurfacing. I'm going to keep choosing people like this. This is going to be a pattern if I don't stop. Like, I will continue to invest in people that aren't going to invest in me. And I didn't, I just didn't want to do it anymore. And I thought whatever it takes, whatever I have to do. So I got in therapy. I started exercising more, getting healthier physically, mentally, spiritually. Started reading books that were inspiring, listening to podcasts that were inspiring, speakers that were inspiring, listening to music that felt good to listen to that was positive, doing affirmations. But I think the most important thing I did was I realized that, you know what? It's okay to feel this way. And I learned to sit in my emotions and actually face them and let them process through my body, because what we don't process in our body is stored.

[Unknown Host]

Wow.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And so when I started letting the emotions come sitting in them, regardless of how long it took, if I cried for a solid two hours, I allowed it. I just sat with it and accepted that. Yeah, this hurts. This sucks. I hate that I'm, you know, 37 and every relationship has failed. I hate that I chose a lot of it. I hate that I accepted a lot of it. But it's okay to feel this way. And I know now, I know better now. So sitting with it, writing, journaling, and just, like, doing the work, I just did the work on my own. I stopped dating completely. I put myself completely off the market. I focused on myself, my health, my mental health, therapy, and my daughter and just took a step back from, like, the world around me for a while. And it was brutal. And it's still an everyday process. Still working on it. Some days I still wake up really, really sad, but that's okay. Like, I'm okay with that now. And when I look back now, I can see, like, the change and the growth that I've had since then.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, that's so important because so, so many people feel like they should be in a relationship.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

They just bounce, like, to the next one.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's exactly right.

[Unknown Host]

They never give time to reflect or.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's right.

[Unknown Host]

Self improve.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's right. I had a video that went viral around that time where I talked about, like, you're going to. You have to heal alone for a while. Like, you have to kind of, like, restart. You have to recalibrate your brain and your mind and your spirit and, like, really look within and figure out what it is that you need in a relationship. And if you can't do the healing, work alone. The patterns are hard to break, you know, And I. That video just, like, blew up and I was so, so glad. And of course, some people disagree. They're like, you can still be in relationship while you're healing. And you can. You absolutely can. But there has to be at least. I believe there has to be at least a set amount of time where you're just doing it for yourself. You're not doing it because you're in a Relationship. You're not doing it for someone else. It has to be the internal work for yourself. Right. So.

[Unknown Host]

Absolutely. Have you ever gotten a brain scan? No, I just got one at Dr. Amen.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Really?

[Unknown Host]

And it showed I had childhood trauma.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

No.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. You should look into one. It was fascinating.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, that's gonna be scary. But I want to.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. So now I'm working on fixing. I didn't even know I had it because I. You get so used to the way you grow up, I guess, that you think it's normal. Similar to dating.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

And yeah, now I'm trying to figure out what it was, what and trying to fix it, but they're helping me out through that.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

You're kidding. So what are, like, what do they recommend? Like, when they.

[Unknown Host]

There's like this thing you wear called a muse headband.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

So that helps. Therapy, they recommended hit workout three to four times a week. I might do some psychedelic therapy. We'll see.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Have you done that? No, but I'm very, like, curious about.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, I'm looking into it. There's a couple ones like ketamine, psilocybin.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

And if you want to full send it, ayahuasca. But I don't know.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Right. I've always been curious about the ayahuasca. I'm like, that would be a wild, crazy experience and terrifying.

[Unknown Host]

Terrifying.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

But it sounds amazing.

[Unknown Host]

Everyone I know that have done it, and I've Talked to maybe 100 people by now about it, has spoken highly of it.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Really.

[Unknown Host]

Even though it might have sucked in the moment, like by the time it finished, like, they learned so much about themselves.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's what I've heard too. Like, I watch Joe Rogan. He always talks about stuff like that with people. And they. They talked about how it's like literally life changing. Like it changes your entire perspective on the world and yourself. And I think that's like, so cool. Like, I would love to have that.

[Unknown Host]

Experience to look into a journey.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Let's go. Let's go. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I don't know, some island somewhere.

[Unknown Host]

Just for real.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Floating around in space.

[Unknown Host]

I know, but shout out to Dr. Amen, because that was a life changing moment.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

I did not know I was dealing with that.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Really. So do you have, like, memories from your childhood that you can, like, recall anything or is it, like, blocked out?

[Unknown Host]

I don't know if it's a specific memory, just a compilation. But I think it's neglect because I grew up in a divorce setting and my parents would never show up to My sports games and I kept bouncing friend groups. So I'm thinking it's something around that. Like, abandonment or neglect.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh. I. 100. You have like a. Yeah. You have an abandonment wound.

[Unknown Host]

I think so.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. And that affects your entire life too. I did as well.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. And it was tough because I would get so close with people and then run away from them.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Like, I was scared because you knew they would. You believed they would run away from you. Subconsciously you thought if. If I don't leave, they're gonna leave. And that hurts.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. Like I would literally have a best friend and one day just run away.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh.

[Unknown Host]

Like, end the friendship. And I'm thinking it's because of abandonment or trust.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

100. It's interesting how different people process that. Like, I have an abandonment wound in my. My reaction to that was just to always, like, latch on even harder.

[Unknown Host]

Oh, wow.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Like, to hold on as hard as I could, even if it was hurting me to hold on. Because I was scared of them leaving. I was so scared of someone leaving that I wouldn't let them leave even when they wanted to. You know?

[Unknown Host]

So that's why you stayed in relationships longer than you should have. 100 that makes sense now.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. 100.

[Unknown Host]

Because people would see it outside in, like, why is she still there?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh. And that's the case with a lot of abusive relationships too. They're like, no one understands it. They're like, why would you stay in a relationship that's abusive? That doesn't make any sense. Well, you say because one, you don't know. You deserve better. Two, you're. You're terrified of being alone. And the pain of leaving sound feels scarier than the pain of staying. It's hard to explain. There's all kinds of brain chemistry going on. And, you know, they say that people who have been in domestic violence relationships actually have similar brain scans to war veterans.

[Unknown Host]

Whoa. So ptsd, Trauma, ptsd.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It sounds insane because you think there's, like, no comparison here, but they're actually like, your brain doesn't know the difference.

[Unknown Host]

Right.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It just knows it's experiencing trauma. Right. It's really intense.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. Trauma's trauma. I mean, they. They've done scans on kids that grow up in multimillion dollar houses. There's still trauma.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Yeah. You experience it all levels. It doesn't matter where you come from.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. It's pretty wild. So I'd be curious to see yours.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I'm curious too now. Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

I'll put you in a group chat with them.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

That's going to be very interesting.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, gosh, I'm. Yeah, I would. I would love to do that. Like, I'm excited.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, I think it's important too. Like, I'm making my fiance get. Well, not making her, but.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Right.

[Unknown Host]

I think it's interesting to see hers, and then that way we could both evolve together.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

To be able to be like, oh, there's your trauma, here's mine. Let's do what we got to do to make this work.

[Unknown Host]

She always pointed out that I had some too, and I would just. My ego would get in the way and say, no, no, my childhood was normal.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

So what was different? You said that you always ran away when you got close to someone. What was different when you met your fiance?

[Unknown Host]

I would honestly distance myself too, whenever she would get emotional or give me physical affection. So it took me years to, like, embrace it.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Wow. She kind of just stuck it out.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. I never got hugs growing up. My parents never told me they loved me, so that was just normal to me, you know?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

So it was. It was almost, like, uncomfortable for you to.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. When she used to hug me, I was like, what is this?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. You're like, what are you doing?

[Unknown Host]

Weird.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

We don't do this.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

It's not normal.

[Unknown Host]

No. It took a while to embrace it for sure.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That is so sad.

[Unknown Host]

But that's her love language, physical touch. So I gotta. I gotta be there for her.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's beautiful. That is beautiful because, like, even though you didn't know it internally, your need was someone who was physically affectionate because you didn't ever have that growing up, and you found someone that likes. That's their love language. Like, that's such a beautiful thing.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And now you can grow and evolve and heal from that.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. I think the universe put her here for a reason.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. And likewise, I think I compliment her well, too.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

She had some trauma.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

That's what relationships are, right?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, they are. It's so beautiful. Like, when you can. When you can find someone that you have, like, compatibility with, that is like, look, I'm not perfect and I have a lot of work to do, and they want to grow as an individual, that is a huge green flag. Because they're more likely to want to grow with you too, you know?

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. I love green flags. I love red flags out here.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I love. I'm still waiting for, you know, somebody to hit all those green flags, but what.

[Unknown Host]

I love them. What other green flags you got?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I think communication, somebody. That's a good communicator.

[Unknown Host]

Tough one these days.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Oh, it's nearly impossible. Nearly impossible. But they're out there because I'm one. So. Yeah. Somebody who's consistent with communication. Someone who is. I don't want to say emotionally stable. I hate that word, because it's like, we all have emotions, and we're all up and down if we're honest. But someone who can remain calm in conflict. Like, that's a big one for me. I don't do well with, like, angry, irritable people. Like, when someone gets super duper angry at me, if they're, like, yelling or they're cussing or whatever, I immediately withdraw. Like, immediately shut down. I feel off completely.

[Unknown Host]

I'm the same.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, I hate it. I can't.

[Unknown Host]

So I get yelled at as a kid and just go to my room.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. So, like. Yeah, exactly. So your trauma is, like, now that's at a trigger. Like, you are now immediately triggered. The second someone's yelling, you're screaming, you're like, nope, done.

[Unknown Host]

Oh, I shut down. Like, I can't even respond.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. I don't. I go silent. Completely silent. And then I never feel the same again with them. Like, it's never the same. I never have that safe feeling with them.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. So you need someone that has control over their emotions.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Control over their emotions. Yeah, that's.

[Unknown Host]

That's a maturity level that not a lot of people these days.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Right, right.

[Unknown Host]

Ever get to.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And the ability to handle a woman's emotions with grace and, like, understanding and understand that we are emotional creatures, and we do cry sometimes, and we do get our feelings hurt, and that's okay. Like, it doesn't make us weird or needy or over the top. Like, that's just life.

[Unknown Host]

Like, that took me some time, too.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

I used to. To be honest.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Well, yeah, because you were saying you would shut down and kind of, like, distance yourself.

[Unknown Host]

And I wasn't exposed to that because my mom was tough love. So, like, I didn't see that side of woman growing up. Oh, wow.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Wow.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. I never saw my mom cry or she would only get angry. And that's it.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

That's so interesting, especially for, like, women. It's really interesting to me when they don't have, like, that more feminine nature with their emotions.

[Unknown Host]

Well, she might have behind the scenes, but she never showed it to me.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

So that was probably a part of her trauma. Probably feeling like she had to, like, look and be a certain way all the time on the outside.

[Unknown Host]

I think Asians are like that.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yes. That's so true. I have heard that before.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. They need to put on that front.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yep.

[Unknown Host]

Which I don't agree with.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

I don't. I don't think anyone should. It's a cultural thing in a lot of places, too.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

And for men, too, honestly.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. Being the man of the house and not crying.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

Look down if you cry.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. When I see a man cry, I don't care what it is, I immediately start crying. It's like, oh, my God, a man is crying. I'm so moved. Like, I'm emotional.

[Unknown Host]

It's a rare sight these days. It is. So many people bottle it in.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. My dad was very stoic. He still is. He's very stoic. But I will never forget the only time I've ever seen him cry. He had come home and his mother had passed away, like, a couple of months before this from cancer. And my grandma. And he got a call that his dad, my grandpa, had been in a car accident. And he. I remember I was little. I was like 10. I remember him leaving the house and he was gone. And then I remember hearing him come in. It was like the middle of the night. And I could. I heard him come in because I was a light sleeper. And I went into the kitchen, and he was sitting by the door with his hands, like, covering his face, sobbing. And my dad is like, macho, tough guy. You stay stoic all the time. You don't show him. You don't cry. There's no such thing as depression. He doesn't even believe in it. Like, so I was just like. I mean, it was a gut punch. Like, he was crying. And I. I just remember, like, I started bawling immediately. Dad. Oh, my God, why? But he was. It was something about your parents, I guess, passing away. You can't. No matter how tough or, you know.

[Unknown Host]

You think you are a tough one.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah. Some things will. Some things will get you.

[Unknown Host]

Ashley, where can people reach out to you if they need help and learn more about you?

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

So you can follow me on Tik Tok. It's hard for me to read messages on there, but it's Ashley TaylorMayland on Tik Tok. On Instagram, it's Ashley Mayland. I also have a podcast called not for Nothing Podcast out of Fort Lauderdale, Miami. And we talk about life, love, relationships. We bring on guests that have inspirational stories. Yeah. So you can find me on any of those platforms and Facebook probably, too. But, yeah, reach out to me. I. I respond to as many messages as I can. I am not a therapist, so I can't solve all your problems, but I am a great listener and I will always give encouragement and any perspective that I might have on a situation. So perfect.

[Unknown Host]

We'll link below. Thanks so much for coming on.

[Ashley Taylor Mayland]

Yeah, thank you so much for having me.

[Unknown Host]

Yep. Thanks for watching guys, as always. See you tomorrow.