Ex-Bachelorette Reveals Social Media's Hidden Toll | Kaitlyn Bristowe DSH #959

Summary

Digital Social Hour – Episode #959: Ex-Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe Reveals Social Media's Hidden Toll

Release Date: December 7, 2024
Host: Sean Kelly
Guest: Kaitlyn Bristowe

In this poignant episode of Digital Social Hour, host Sean Kelly sits down with former Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe to delve into the often-overlooked mental and emotional challenges that come with fame and the pervasive influence of social media. Kaitlyn opens up about her personal struggles, the impact of her reality TV experience, and the steps she's taken towards healing and self-discovery.

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1. The Hidden Toll of Social Media

Kaitlyn begins the conversation by addressing the subtle yet profound effects of social media on mental health. She reflects on her intensive presence online and the constant pressure to maintain a certain image.

Notable Quote:
"I saw your Instagram, and I was like, what? I would like to get there with my podcast. Congratulations."
[00:37] – Kaitlyn commends Sean on his successful podcasting journey, setting the stage for a discussion on the pressures of maintaining an online persona.

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2. Battling Anxiety and Panic Attacks

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Kaitlyn's battle with anxiety and panic attacks. She shares her terrifying experiences, including a severe panic attack on an airplane and another in her college dorm room, highlighting the debilitating nature of anxiety disorders.

Notable Quotes:
"I collapsed on my college dorm room floor. Had to crawl to my bed. Thought it was a heart attack, honestly. But it was just a panic attack."
[02:40] – Kaitlyn recounts her first panic attack, emphasizing the fear and confusion it brought.

"The first time I ever had one was on an airplane and I thought I was dying."
[03:02] – She describes another panic attack experience, underscoring the life-threatening illusion anxiety can create.

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3. Substance Use as a Coping Mechanism

Kaitlyn discusses her past use of substances like cannabis and Valium as attempts to fit in or cope with her anxiety. She reflects on the negative consequences, including addiction and health issues, and how these experiences led her to seek healthier coping strategies.

Notable Quotes:
"I did the same thing. I would smoke weed to try and fit in and I would have full blown panic every time."
[04:25] – Kaitlyn opens up about using cannabis to fit in, only to experience heightened anxiety.

"I got addicted to Valium. I knew I needed to get out of that."
[27:31] – She shares her struggle with Valium addiction, highlighting a critical turning point in her journey towards recovery.

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4. The Impact of Reality TV and Public Scrutiny

Kaitlyn delves into her time on The Bachelorette, revealing how the show intensified public scrutiny and bullying. She discusses being sexualized on screen and the subsequent backlash, including death threats and slut-shaming, which marked the beginning of her severe online harassment.

Notable Quotes:
"I was not your typical bachelorette. I was this sex positive, edgy person that I just talked about sex and I had sex."
[15:13] – Kaitlyn explains how her persona on the show deviated from the norm, setting her apart and attracting negative attention.

"I got slut shamed. Like, like you wouldn't believe."
[16:15] – She describes the harsh backlash and personal attacks she faced post-show.

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5. Social Media’s Effect on Self-Perception and Youth

The conversation shifts to the broader implications of social media on self-esteem, especially among young women. Kaitlyn expresses deep concern for the younger generation's mental health, exacerbated by incessant online comparison and unrealistic standards.

Notable Quotes:
"Even as a 39 year old woman, I can look at social media and be like, okay, this is a highlight reel for people. This isn't real life."
[12:24] – Kaitlyn reflects on her awareness of social media's unrealistic portrayals, yet still acknowledges its impact on her self-esteem.

"Social media is ruthless. You look at the suicide rate in young teenage women, it's the highest it's ever been."
[13:07] – She highlights the severe mental health crisis among young women, attributing much of it to social media pressures.

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6. Embracing Therapy and Inner Child Work

Kaitlyn shares her journey through extensive therapy and inner child retreats, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and healing. She discusses how understanding her upbringing and parental influences helped her recognize and address her mental health challenges.

Notable Quotes:
"I did a weak inner child retreat of, like, inner child therapy. Did about 10 years of therapy for me."
[09:53] – Kaitlyn outlines her commitment to therapy and inner child work as pivotal to her healing process.

"I learned so much in just. ... it was interesting to learn so much about yourself through how you grew up."
[10:53] – She emphasizes the revelations gained through therapy, particularly in understanding her formative influences.

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7. Spirituality and Holistic Practices

The dialogue explores Kaitlyn's spiritual practices, including her fascination with dreams, past life therapy, and holistic approaches to mental well-being. She discusses how these practices complement her therapeutic efforts, providing her with a deeper sense of connection and purpose.

Notable Quotes:
"I'm obsessed with mediums and mind readers and mentalists and past life readers."
[25:12] – Kaitlyn expresses her intrigue with spiritual and metaphysical phenomena.

"I did a full moon ceremony, and I put all my hopes and dreams into this glass of water with my crystals."
[31:14] – She describes her spiritual rituals aimed at manifesting her intentions and fostering personal growth.

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8. Overcoming Bullying and Public Perception

Kaitlyn reflects on her experiences with bullying before and after her stint on reality TV. She discusses how public perception and the lack of understanding about her genuine personality contributed to the harassment she endured.

Notable Quotes:
"I treat my dogs like my kids... I have severe misophonia."
[09:01] – Kaitlyn shares personal traits and challenges, fostering a deeper understanding of her resilience.

"I can actually laugh. And I was like, oh, my God. But it was really like the start of experiencing bullying for me."
[16:21] – She recounts how she eventually found humor in her experiences with bullying, demonstrating her growth and coping mechanisms.

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9. Personal Growth and Moving Forward

In the latter part of the episode, Kaitlyn discusses her ongoing journey towards self-improvement. She highlights the importance of setting boundaries, embracing self-care practices like cold plunges and saunas, and the role of supportive relationships in her recovery.

Notable Quotes:
"I need to plan for it. Which really helps me and my assistant will actually schedule things around that time for me."
[07:15] – Kaitlyn talks about managing her hormonal cycles and planning her schedule to accommodate her mental health needs.

"My mental health is actually really improving because I got a sauna and a cold plunge."
[06:16] – She credits these holistic practices with significant improvements in her well-being.

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10. Final Thoughts and Future Endeavors

As the episode wraps up, Kaitlyn shares her passion for wine, stemming from her upbringing and professional experience in the restaurant industry. She introduces her wine label, Spade and Sparrows, and invites listeners to explore her other ventures, including her podcast, Off the Vine.

Notable Quotes:
"Creating my own wine label is truly the only wine that I drink because I enjoy it so much."
[34:26] – Kaitlyn expresses her deep connection to her wine brand, reflecting her personal and professional journey.

"I'm trying really hard to do that and slow down. And my mental health is actually really improving."
[06:16] – She underscores the positive changes in her life resulting from her dedication to self-care and personal growth.

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Conclusion

In this candid and heartfelt episode, Kaitlyn Bristowe provides a raw and authentic look into the mental and emotional struggles that often accompany public life and social media presence. Her journey through anxiety, addiction, and public scrutiny offers valuable insights and serves as an inspiration for those navigating similar challenges. Sean Kelly skillfully guides the conversation, allowing listeners to gain a deeper understanding of Kaitlyn's resilience and commitment to personal well-being.

Connect with Kaitlyn Bristowe:

• Podcast: Off the Vine
• Social Media: @KaitlynBristowe
• Wine Label: Spade and Sparrows

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Thank you for tuning into Digital Social Hour. For more episodes and updates, visit our website and follow us on social media.

Transcript

[A]

I have found this out to be true as well. I did a weak inner child retreat of, like, inner child therapy that week. Did about 10 years of therapy for me. Because, like, you just said, like, you learn from your mom. We all learn so many things from our parents that are just in our brains that we don't even realize. Like, think about social media, what we consume, how it warps our brain, and that's as adults. So as children, think of, like, that's all, you know.

[B]

All right, guys, Digital social hour. Last episode of the day. Caitlin Bristow. Thanks for coming on.

[A]

Thank you for having me. I saw your Instagram, and I was like, what? I would like to get there with my podcast. Congratulations.

[B]

It's been a work in progress.

[A]

Well, you've been working hard.

[B]

Yeah, well, when you film, I don't know, 20 episodes a week, get there quicker than most.

[A]

That's bananas. That's bananas. I wouldn't even be able to talk. I'd be like by the end.

[B]

Yeah. You said you were doing four a day. Some days, though. Right?

[A]

Some days. And literally they had to cut me off at 5 because they're like, your podcast sucks. If it's the fifth one of the day, I'm like, okay. Humbled. Thank you.

[B]

That's still way more than most people.

[A]

Though, so that's a lot. I do love it, though.

[B]

Are you drinking on them or.

[A]

Depends. If it's like 10am I'll stay away because otherwise I'll be sleeping by the end. But if it's like, I've got maybe two or one and it's a little later, then absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. I drank on my first one last week.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

First time ever.

[B]

On a podcast?

[A]

On a podcast. How was it?

[B]

I felt better.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I know now that sounds messed up to say, but I know questions float out.

[A]

This. I say that with my guests because I have a wine label. So having a glass of wine with them, I'm like, not only am I promoting the wine, but I'm, like, lubing up my guests to get comfortable. And, like, I always make my guests tell me an embarrassing story, and I do it towards the end. And there's a reason for that.

[B]

Smart. Yeah. Because some guests are a little nervous. Have you gotten that?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Some guests get nervous. I had David Arquette on. I don't know if you know who that is. How old are you?

[B]

27.

[A]

Okay, so David Arquette was, like, really big into the Scream movies. He was a big actor in the Scream movies, and he was.

[B]

Oh, which guy?

[A]

Was he Dewey?

[B]

Oh, he was Dewey.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the guy.

[A]

Yeah. And I think he's very much an introvert and very shy and. But those are my favorite kind of people.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Because I like making them feel comfortable and seeing them warm up. I don't know.

[B]

You'll have fun with me. I'm actually a massive introvert.

[A]

Are you really? Yeah, I'm both. We were talking about this downstairs. I like, right now, I don't feel like an introvert. I love meeting people. I love talking on podcasts. I like hanging out. But I love being alone. I need to recharge alone. Crowds of people give me anxiety. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I've had a. I didn't know I had anxiety.

[A]

So how did you discover it?

[B]

I collapsed.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Collapsed on my college dorm room floor. Had to crawl to my bed. And I was like. Thought it was a heart attack, honestly. But it was just a panic attack.

[A]

Yeah. Panic attacks sound just like. If you've experienced one, then I feel like it is just as scary as a heart attack. Like, I, I. The first time I ever had one was on an airplane and I thought I was dying.

[B]

That's terrible.

[A]

It was probably top three worst moments of my life.

[B]

I bet. Because there's people around you, you don't know what to do.

[A]

Yeah. And I. There's two very. A sweet older couple, and I, like, literally stepped on them to get out and was like, clawing to get in the bathroom. It was bad. Yeah.

[B]

What caused it?

[A]

Honestly, no idea. Same, really.

[B]

I didn't know what happened because I.

[A]

Think a lot of people think with anxiety, like, it. Something has happened or you're overthinking about something. And I truly. I don't know if it was like, altitude. I was in Aspen and I don't know, it just. I. I started panicking and then I couldn't catch my breath. And then I just started overheating. And then it sound. It felt like all the sound went like whoosh past my ears. And then I just started. Like, I actually thought I was having heart attack. Same thing. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like it's just a compilation of just bad. Like I was sleeping terrible, eating terrible.

[A]

Yeah, that'll do.

[B]

Going through some mental stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was in college, stressed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So just a compilation of everything.

[A]

And we've never been taught till lately what anxiety is. Like, I. I had it as a child, and now looking back, I'm like, oh, that was anxiety. But back then I didn't know what was wrong with me. And I remember Trying to explain it to my mom and she would be so confused. Then we thought I had OCD or something, but it was just total anxiety. My parents had no idea, no, nothing.

[B]

That would happen to me. When I smoked weed in high school, I thought that was what being high felt like, but I was having sucks. I was having anxiety attacks every time I got high.

[A]

Yeah. Did you keep going?

[B]

Yeah, because I was trying to fit in with people.

[A]

I did the same thing. I did the same thing. I. Are we the same person? I literally would smoke weed to try and fit in and I would have full. Full blown panic every time and thought that's.

[B]

I'd be in my basement doing the gravity bongs and I would have to go to my bed after, like two hits.

[A]

You're like, this is fun, guys.

[B]

I'd just be like, I'm out. You guys can keep smoking. I feel like shit.

[A]

And then I went through a phase of. I lived in Vancouver for 11 years where I actually enjoyed smoking weed once in a while. But the problem was I would line up snacks in front of me munchies, and I would just make myself sick because I would just eat and eat and not stop and I wouldn't. I didn't understand, like full cues when I was high. So I. Now I don't smoke anymore.

[B]

I smoke. I had. You have a bad edible story?

[A]

No, I have great edible stories.

[B]

Oh, you do? That's shocking.

[A]

Wow, you have a bad edible story.

[B]

Yeah, I thought everyone did.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

So you never had a bad experience on an edible?

[A]

No, I. I think I got. I've been too scared to overdo it. I've had funny stories, taking edibles. But like, the other night I took half of an edible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's usually the kind that I'll take if I just want to get. It's like mostly CBD and barely any thc. And I was like, I'll just do half. And usually I do a full. And I was so high and I was writing myself text messages as a joke. Like, I was having a full. This is. I was having a full conversation because in my head I was like, this is a really funny joke. And so I was writing it. Sometimes I think I'm a comedian. I'm not. I was writing myself text being like this. And then in the morning I'm like, that's not funny, Caitlin. Wow. That's not even.

[B]

Yeah. Sometimes I'll be stoned and I find myself deep conversation with myself for like 10 minutes. I'm like, what the hell?

[A]

Yeah. Which is sometimes kind of nice for an introvert because you're like, you're getting your feelings out and your thoughts out.

[B]

But that's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I live such a fast paced life, I never have time to reflect.

[A]

Oh, that is the biggest thing. After nine years of non stop go, go, go. I am really making time for myself to reflect and marinate in all the hard work I've done. It's not easy, but I'm trying really hard to do that and slow down. And my mental health is actually really improving because I got a sauna and a cold plunge, which I'm sure Michael Chandler talked about that, but it's done wonders for my mental health.

[B]

Yeah, Saunas are a game changer.

[A]

Game changer.

[B]

Using that like three, four times a week.

[A]

Oh, it's the best. Like, I, last night I got out of my cold plunge after doing a sauna and I was like, I love being alive. I said that to my girlfriend. I said, I love being alive. And she was like, what is happening? I'm like, cold plunge.

[B]

I'll do that to you, man. Rethinking everything in there.

[A]

Yeah, we wish we had that when we were smoking weed. Been like, let's get high on plunging.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That should be a new thing.

[A]

You want to hit the plunge later? Yeah, I love that.

[B]

Yeah. That's cool to hear though, that you've overcome your anxiety.

[A]

Well, I don't know about overcome or.

[B]

At least mitigated it.

[A]

I think I've learned to surrender to certain times of, like, for example, I'm a woman, so certain times of the month is when I actually suffer really bad from hormonal depression and anxiety. So now I at least know to plan for it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Which really helps me and my assistant will actually schedule things around that time for me because otherwise I just go dark. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. My fiance just told me that your woman's cycle is 30 days, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And a guy's just 24 hours.

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

Which is crazy.

[A]

It is crazy. And it's, it, it really feels like there's about five days. It's clockwork, which is really sad. Five days where I'm like, I don't feel good, I feel depressed, I'm anxious. I'm so irritable. I'm so moody, I could make terrible. I could ruin relationships and like, business decisions in those five days. Wow, it's.

[B]

It's that bad?

[A]

It's really bad.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Yeah, So I just, in those days now I cold plunge. I say, nobody talk to me. Give me My five days to recharge the old bats, and we go again.

[B]

See, that's important to know, though, as.

[A]

A guy, I mean. Yeah. Oh. Honestly, it took me. I'm 39, and it probably took me till I was 38 to figure out what the hell is going on with me.

[B]

Really? Oh, so you didn't even know?

[A]

Not. I didn't realize it was attached to hormones. Yeah. Until recently. And now I'm like, how did I not notice this before? It's like I. I could, like, get irritated at any. I'm like, you are breathing and I want to throat chop you. And then I'm like, oh, duh, it's that time. Like, it's. Yeah, it's. It's clockwork at this point. Yeah.

[B]

Do mouth chewers annoy you?

[A]

I. I. Usain mouth chores annoys me. Yes. I. I have severe misophonia, and it kicks up.

[B]

Wow. There's a word for this.

[A]

Misophonia.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[A]

Yeah, I have a whole Instagram page for it.

[B]

No, you don't.

[A]

Misophonia. Misery for the community. Thoughts and prayers to the misophonia community. It's a rough life. We get very angry and irritable, and it's. It seems so unreasonable because you're like, I'm just chewing my food. And I'm like, but it's a thing. It's a thing.

[B]

My mom's a big mouth chewer man.

[A]

Really? Does it drive you bonkers?

[B]

I realized I started picking it up from her.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So my fiance is the one who told me I was one.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

And then once she told me, I saw it in my mother. So now it does a little bit. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. But you would know if you had it. You don't have misophonia. You just. You just are noticing.

[B]

I'm just more aware.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're aware.

[B]

There's things in life people don't tell me till really late. And I'm like, wow.

[A]

I have found this out to be true as well. I did a. I did a weak inner child retreat retreat of, like, inner child therapy. And that week did about 10 years of therapy for me.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah. And I learned so much in just. Because, like, you just said, like, you learned from your mom. We all learned so many things from our parents that are just in our brains that we don't even realize. Like, think about social media, what we consume, how it warps our brain, and that's as adults. So as children think of, like, that's all, you know, so it's interesting to learn so much about yourself through how you grew up and why you are the way you are and, and then it. Not that I was, I. I had actually a great childhood and my parents are wonderful people, but I still realized, you know, certain things that they did that was generally generational that their parents put on them, that they put on me. But I don't know, it's. It was a beautiful thing. But I also said when I got back that I was in awareness hell. Cause I was like, now I'm aware of everything that like other people are doing and my own patterns and why I do this. But you just kind of learn.

[B]

That's interesting. So what were some things you realized during that?

[A]

I definitely over fixate on appearance when I'm anxious. So I will pick myself apart if I'm. If somewhere else in my life is not going right, if I'm feeling sad or depressed about something else, or I'm going through a hard time somewhere else, I'll stare into a mirror and start picking myself apart and be like, oh, I need to. Like, I have severe body dysmorphia. I'll literally sometimes tell myself I need to get liposuction.

[B]

Holy, you're skinny.

[A]

That's dysmorphia. Like I. And I can realize it now. So growing up, I grew up. My mom was a professional ballerina and I grew up in the ballet studio. Dance studio, six days a week. And we would all line up in the mirror and compare our bodies and go, I wish I had your arms. And I would get accepted into this ballet school if my waist was this much smaller. And it was. Yeah. And I learned that. And bless my mom, she's the sweetest angel on planet earth. But she was a ballerina growing up, so she was body conscious my whole life. She was very worried about aging. And I grew up thinking, aging's bad. Gaining weight is bad. Your body has to look like this. I'm reading Cosmopolitan magazines that say, you know, get your body to look like this so this guy likes you. And you know, now we have social media, but back then I had magazines. It's still all the same thing, but it was, it really, it really warped my brain into thinking that looks are all that matters.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And now these days, women are just overexposed on social media.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. And I think about my like 16 year old niece and growing up in that generation where again, it's like all that you're consuming on media is an illusion at this point too. And so I, you know, Even as a 39 year old woman, I can look at social media and be like, okay, this is a highlight reel for people. Like, this isn't real life, but it still does something to my brain that makes me think I'm not doing enough and I don't look good enough.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then I think about a fragile 16 year old brain looking at that and what that's going to do to them and I just, I, I worry about the younger generation so much.

[B]

I definitely worry about, I don't even have kids yet, but do you have kids?

[A]

I don't. I just, I was joking downstairs that I'm one of those dog moms that believes that my golden retrievers came out of my womb because they're my babies.

[B]

They're pretty much kids. Right. I treat my dogs like my kids.

[A]

Oh, I'm, I'm embarrassingly obsessed with my dogs, but I'm glad you understand. But yeah, I'm, it's, it's scary to think about having children and it's, it's, it's, I feel a little bit of hope because I see my, my best friends do it and they are raising some really incredible children. So I have a little bit of hope. But then, you know, social media, man.

[B]

Social media is ruthless. You look at the suicide rate in young teenage women, it's the highest it's ever been.

[A]

It's ever been. Yeah. And I mean, obvious reasons, social media.

[B]

You'Re getting bullied 24, seven.

[A]

I mean, again, I don't mean to keep bringing it back to me, but I get bullied at this age of my life on social media and it does something to me. And I think it's even worse. Like some people are like, oh, you have it on a much larger platform, so you have it coming from all angles. I'm so sorry. And I'm like, I actually find it tougher if it's people you know or people you have to show up at school with as a kid or you have a smaller community. I actually think that bullying might be a bit tougher to take because I'm just like, oh, these people don't know me. Where, you know, young girls are bullying other young girls and they know them and they have to see them every day and they're just, I always use the word fragile because it just feels like that's what it is.

[B]

Yeah. When you're that young, you think the world's ending.

[A]

You really do.

[B]

And then you gotta see them the next day in school.

[A]

You really do. And that's all I was thinking about this. A child has a temper tantrum if they drop their cookie because that is truly the worst thing that's ever happened to them in their life. You know, like they haven't experienced real life yet. So to them, a cookie falling and them not being able to reach it is the worst thing that's ever. So they have temper tantrums. A 16 year old getting bullied at school. You haven't lived life yet. You don't know what else is out there and how. Like, this is nothing in the, you know, grand scheme of things. But that's all they know. And that's the worst thing that's ever happened to them. And that's terrible.

[B]

Absolutely. So where does your bullying stem from? Is it from the Bachelorette?

[A]

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. It. It was really bad. I. So I was not your typical bachelorette. I think a lot of times they have picked women who are usually girl. All lovely women. I'm friends with all of them, but, like, girl next door, all American sweetheart. And then I was this edgy Canadian who I came out of the limo and I made jokes about having sex and like, I have tattoos. And it was, I think America, seeing a Canadian come in there and do that was like, who is this girl? And so I think producers use that, like, okay, let's run with this. Let's have a different season. Let's change things up. And so they really sexualized me as the Bachelorette. I was this sex positive, edgy person that I just talked about sex and I had sex and. And it was so funny to me because I was just treating it like dating in normal real life. And then, you know, the. The show airs and I got slut shamed. Like, like you wouldn't believe.

[B]

Really? Wow.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Death threats. People were photoshopping me in dumpsters and saying that's where I should die.

[B]

Holy crap.

[A]

And like all like moms with Bible verses in their. In their bios just telling me that to shut my horror legs like it. Now looking back, I can actually laugh. And I was like, oh, my God. But it was really like the start of experiencing bullying for me. Yeah.

[B]

And prior to that, you never experienced something like that?

[A]

I mean, I did a little bit in high school. Like, the girls in high school had to have a meeting once if I was going to come in the limo to the graduation party because they didn't know if they liked me at the time. Like, that's as far as the bullying went. For Me, but, you know. Yeah. I didn't really feel severe bullying until I came off television.

[B]

So you were just talking about sex and you got bullied for that?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't think that was typical. Like, you know, I don't know if you know the bachelor show at all, but they have what they call fantasy suites, and everyone knows what happens at the fantasy suites, but I just happen to talk about it. So people are like, it's too far. I'm like, you're watching a show where one woman is dating 30 men. What's too far? Like, where's the line here?

[B]

What's the fantasy suites? I haven't seen that.

[A]

Okay. It's where you go to, like. You get to go mosquito flying around my face. Fantasy suites are when you get to a certain point in the show where you're down to three men and you get overnight dates with each one of them off camera. Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're having sex with three different guys.

[A]

Well, you don't have to. You don't have to if you're not feeling it. But you. It's there if you want to. Because what a test.

[B]

Right there. Right?

[A]

It really is. I'm like, don't you got to test drive a car before you buy it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Imagine marrying someone in the sex sucks.

[A]

Well, that happens. I mean, there's versions out there. And I'm. I always say to him, like, who cares? Who cares what somebody's preferences? You know what I mean? Like, if you decide to be a virgin, I'm going to celebrate you. If you decide you're gay, I'm going to celebrate you. If you decide you just want to, like, sleep around and have fun and you want to know what it's like before you get married, I'm going to celebrate you. I just don't. I don't really. I don't have that big of a judgmental bone in my body for that.

[B]

Okay, so what year was this?

[A]

So that was back in 2015.

[B]

So it was before the red pill movement really took off.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So it wasn't even like, the full extent?

[A]

No, it was 2015 Bachelor and. No. 2014. 15 Bachelor. 2015. 16. I was the Bachelorette.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

And then. Yeah, that's a long time ago.

[B]

It is. Because now the red pill movement is ruthless.

[A]

Ruthless.

[B]

Like, if you filmed during that, it would have been even worse, I think.

[A]

Oh. And there's certain things I watch back on my season where I'm like, that does not pass the sniff check anymore. Like, you can't be doing that.

[B]

Yeah. It's been 10 years, so a lot changes.

[A]

A lot. Yeah. It's pretty crazy to watch. I've wanted to start a thing where I rewatch my season and record it and do a podcast and have, like, each guy from whatever date it was on the podcast.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Yeah. And so I was kind of, like, digging into. To watching it, and I haven't really watched it since, and I was like.

[B]

Oh, see where they're at 10 years later.

[A]

Well, that. And just to see what I was saying. Ten years ago, do you remember if you were like, you know, doing podcasts 10 years ago, you wouldn't remember what you said?

[B]

No, I barely remember any from my first year.

[A]

Same. And so it was. It's kind of freaky to watch back because I'm like, oh, I'm kind of proud of her.

[B]

Yeah. No, for real, though. I'm at the point now where I've had on guests where I forgot about.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

850 episodes.

[A]

And when people ask you, who's your favorite guest?

[B]

You're like, I never have a good answer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's so many.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I mean, it depends on the stage of life you're at and what you're going through.

[A]

That's so true as well. Yeah. Like, Jay Shetty I had on my podcast, and that's probably, like, my top. In my top two for sure, because I needed him at that time, and Jay Shetty is a wise little man.

[B]

You needed that monk mode.

[A]

I really did get in touch with the spirit. I did. Yeah.

[B]

You big on, like, psychedelics and, like.

[A]

Spirituality, so I've never. I've. The one time I did mushrooms, it was. I shouldn't have done it. I was at a girlfriend's wedding, and I had already been drinking the whole night, and I took some that my friends were doing, and the guy that was giving it to us was, like, this breath coach, and he studied all these things. So I was like, okay. And all my girlfriends were like, yeah, he's. We're trust. Like, he's trustworthy. And. And he was. And I still talk to him to this day. But I went and I forgot I had done it. So I'm sitting at the bar, and I'm like, I'll. I'll have a. And the rose comes in front of me. And I was like, I'm gonna throw up. And I was like, no, I'm gonna cry. No, I'm gonna laugh. And then he looked at me, and he was like, your Mushrooms are kicking in. And then I panicked. Cause I was like. I forgot I took mushrooms. I don't like this feeling. And I started getting super anxious, and I had to leave the whole party and go down to the water, just be by myself and, like, wait it out. I hated it.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

But I'm a very spiritual person, so I love the idea of being like, I wanna do a trip and, like, visit my younger self. And, like, I love the idea of all that, but I'm like. I don't know. I try to.

[B]

Sounds like a terrible setting, by the way.

[A]

It was awful at a wedding.

[B]

First of all. I think you should do it around people you love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A wedding, there's like 100 random people. Second of all, drinking on it.

[A]

Yeah. No. And I heard that you can't mix it with SSRIs.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Which I am on something for my anxiety, and I don't. I think it almost heightens what makes you anxious.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Or at least that's what I experienced. And it was awful.

[B]

Wow. Maybe you should try microdosing first.

[A]

So that's what. I think I would. If I'm gonna try it again, I would do that. Do you microdose?

[B]

I do.

[A]

Yeah. I've heard wonderful things about amazing things.

[B]

I used to be on Xanax. I'm off it.

[A]

See, that's. I don't. I only take Xanax in, like, major emergency. But I'm. I'm. I take Celexa.

[B]

I haven't heard of that.

[A]

It's. It's kind of like a. I don't know what's.

[B]

Oh, Zoloft.

[A]

Zoloft.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's kind of like, what. You know, in that category. But it's. I'm just on a very small dosage, and I think. I don't think it's good to do mushrooms while you're on that.

[B]

I feel that that's how I was with Xanax. I used to carry it in my pocket.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I needed to take it, I would.

[A]

And did it help? Like, sometimes it just helps knowing it's there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because once you have one panic attack, I think it really is helpful to just know that there's something there that can actually stop it. Because it's so terrifying.

[B]

Yeah. Kicks in quick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember the first time I ever had a public speak somewhere. I was freaking out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was only, like, 100 people, but it was my first time ever. So I'm on the roof of this house, fully laid out. No freaking out. I had a pop his annex and I won. Yeah. For.

[A]

I don't know, were you able to talk? And like, that's the thing.

[B]

I didn't want to do it because I knew that would affect my talk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they ended up pushing my talk back to the next day.

[A]

Oh, well, see, and sometimes that does help. Even if I've. If I'm feeling very anxious and overwhelmed and say I had to take a Xanax because I was freaking out. I'm actually still better the next day just from. I don't know if it, like, stays in your system or if it's mental.

[B]

But probably crazy on it.

[A]

Isn't that interesting that you like a hundred people in a room, but then you have over 11 million followers on a plot? Like, that's crazy. But you can't. They're not all sitting in front of you. Right. You can't see it.

[B]

I was the biggest introvert. I had agoraphobia.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

Fear of leaving your house.

[A]

You did? Yeah.

[B]

So as soon as I saw Grey's.

[A]

Anatomy episode on that.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. How did she overcome it?

[A]

She did like a kidney transplant or a blood transfusion or something for a sick kid who needed it. So it like, forced her.

[B]

Yeah. That fly loves you.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, do I smell or something?

[B]

I've never. It hasn't even approached me. I'm like, offended.

[A]

No, don't be. I'm offended. I am offending the. The smell in here or something. But. Yeah. How did you get come over it?

[B]

The dog helped. I got a dog. Yeah, that helped because it forced me to go on walks. But my agoraphobia was so bad that if I walked a certain path, I would have a pa. A panic attack. So I had to walk the same exact path. I would leave my house, go right for one block, walk home. If I went left, I would collapse. I was 22.

[A]

And. Was that your whole life or did. Was this like, something.

[B]

No, thank God. I thought it was going to be the way I was living it, but it was like a few months. I was dealing with a massive lawsuit that would. Would have put me in bankruptcy.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

While just having terrible mental health at the time. So that combined.

[A]

Yeah, that'll do it.

[B]

Wreck me.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. And so the dog helped you get over that?

[B]

Dog helped. My fiance helped.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And at a certain point I did therapy, but that. That didn't help really.

[A]

Maybe it was around just talk therapy.

[B]

Like, just talk therapy. But it was a guy. I think I should have gone with a girl.

[A]

Yeah. They're more like, I have a hypnosis appointment.

[B]

I've tried that hypnotherapy.

[A]

Did it.

[B]

No, I would say it worked. I've tried two of them out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I've done past life therapy, too.

[A]

Did you. Did that interest you?

[B]

It did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That stuff's fascinating.

[A]

It is fascinating. I've done that, too.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[A]

Yeah. I. I'm really into that stuff. That I had a past life regressor on my podcast.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

Yeah. And she said things where I was like, that's literally my reoccurring dream.

[B]

Yeah. They say stuff that there's no way they would know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Casually like, that you've never told anyone, right? Right.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. That's how I feel. I'm like, obsessed with, like, mediums and mind readers and mentalists and past life readers. I just find that.

[B]

So I love that stuff.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

I've done a few of those. I have a psychic that I pay just for consulting thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah, same. Wait, have you ever heard of O's Pearlman?

[B]

He's been on my show.

[A]

Okay. I was gonna say. He came on my podcast, too. I was gonna say, you should have him on, but you already did.

[B]

Oh, my God. So before we started, he's like, think of the craziest name you've ever heard of. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think of this wild name that you've never heard of. Her name's Daria Zor.

[A]

Never.

[B]

End of the episode. He says it on the podcast.

[A]

I don't understand.

[B]

It was crazy.

[A]

Yeah. He guessed my bank PIN code.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, I don't understand, like. But I like not understanding. It makes me feel like I'm a kid again. Because it's like the feeling of magic.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, you. It's. You feel so young, and you're like, oh, there's still things out there I don't understand. And it feels like Christmas morning.

[B]

Yeah. I don't want to understand mentalism because I feel like I don't use the wrong way.

[A]

Well. And I also feel like it would ruin the magic for. Yeah. Because what if he's like, oh, I just went through your phone while you. Like, I have a. I have a software on my computer that. I don't know.

[B]

Beast, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He said he talks shit during marathons. I mean, he's a beast.

[A]

He. He really is a beast.

[B]

Yeah. He's won the New Jersey marathon, I think, eight times.

[A]

What?

[B]

And he's not even the Tallest runner. Like, runners are supposed to be tall.

[A]

Yeah, he is a runner, isn't he?

[B]

But he said he'll pass the guy in first place. Not even be breathing heavily and compliment him. And he gets in his head. He uses mentalism during the race.

[A]

Oh, man. In another lifetime. In another lifetime, I'll come back as a mentalist.

[B]

Yeah. It'd be a cool skill to have.

[A]

It'd be really cool skill to have.

[B]

What's your weirdest talent that you have? Are you really good at anything?

[A]

Rapping.

[B]

Rapping.

[A]

Don't make me do it, though. But, like, I love styling. No, I write my own raps.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

I feel like a lot of people probably wouldn't know that.

[B]

I would never guess that. That's cool.

[A]

Yeah. I used to. When I went through a really hard time in my life, it always sounds silly to say out loud, but heartbreak, like this one heartbreak that I had in my life was, like, the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I started writing raps instead of. Because I got. This is gonna sound like I'm just glossing over this casually, but I got addicted to Valium.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I knew I needed to get out of that, and so my friend had me sleep on his couch because I had nowhere to live. And we just started writing raps, and I loved it.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What a character arc that is.

[A]

Yeah, it's very interesting rap music.

[B]

I. Yeah, I used to get high and free. Hot box the car and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Freestyle. Oh, those are some of my best memories.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just innocent.

[A]

There's that flag he just got you.

[B]

Yes. Wow. I wonder if it's a spirit trying to get in contact.

[A]

It is, for sure.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I see random animals, sometimes I'm like, is that a loved one?

[A]

Oh, that's part of going to this inner child work retreat I did. Was very. It was very spiritual. Very. We did a lot of visualizations, and I went to Hawaii after for two days. And every, like, a turtle would come up to me, I'd be like, it's my ancestor. And, like, a whale, like, breached out of the water. And I was like, I had a dream about a whale last night. Like, I was, like, so connected to everything. It was amazing.

[B]

Well, you mentioned dreams, like, have meanings earlier. I believe that.

[A]

Have you had dream experts on your podcast?

[B]

I have.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I've had a couple. Plus, I have a dream journal.

[A]

You do?

[B]

I reflect on my dreams every night.

[A]

And do they ever, like, do you ever Go back and be like, oh my gosh. Or like, what do you think dreams are?

[B]

I think it's different for different people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So my. My fiance is like a psychic. She has spiritual powers. So her dreams are really scary because those events happen.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Whenever she has a crazy dream, I take it super serious.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

Because I know there's a possibility it's gonna happen. It's happened almost every time. But my dreams aren't like that. Like, I've never had something happen. Like in the future in my dream.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or just like hidden meanings.

[A]

Mine are such a production. Like, they're like, I will have a full choreographed, like, theater presentation. Yeah. It's crazy, but I always wonder. Like, I saw one time on whatever it is. Like, we were joking about this earlier. Like a meme that you see, but it said, are we all just ignoring the fact that we close our eyes, go into a coma, hallucinate all night, and then just wake up and pretend that that never happened? Like, where did we just go? Like, are we entering another realm? Like, and we're all just like. I had a great sleep. I was like, crazy dreams and no.

[B]

One talks about it.

[A]

But it's wild.

[B]

Wild.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But there's a lot of meanings. Like if you just remember parts of your dream and look it up on Google.

[A]

Oh, it's hot.

[B]

On.

[A]

I have an actual book right by my bed.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I think it's like I can't remember how many. But dream meanings. I do it all the time. I do the same thing. Like, if I think about it, I'll make a voice note to myself of the dreams that I had. And they're just. Are yours really, like, detailed?

[B]

Pretty much, yeah. Last night I had. Whenever I travel, I have nightmares. Really? Because I pick up on the energy of the previous tenants or whatever.

[A]

Yeah. So no way.

[B]

I'm pretty sensitive to that. Like last night I had the classic one where I'm naked in school.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I was like, all right, that sucks.

[A]

Wait, that's so interesting that you pick up. Is that. Did you learn a lot of this from your fiance?

[B]

From her and my psychic. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because every time I'm in a hotel, even a brand new five star hotel, I'll have nightmares.

[A]

I gotta start paying attention to that because I have the craziest dreams when I'm traveling.

[B]

That's what I mean. You're picking up on the energies of all the previous people that are sleeping there. So you got to cleanse the room. I just learned this. I had on an akashic Record girl today. So she sent me some sprays to buy. I'll send you them.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I would love that.

[B]

You should use it on your podcast set, too.

[A]

Oh, that's such a good idea. I'm all about. Like, the other night, I did a full moon ceremony, and I, like, did all my crystals and the. The zoom link that I was on where I was attending this ceremony. She said to put this glass of water, and I said all of my, like, hopes and dreams into this glass of water, put it outside in the full moon with all my crystals, and then you drink the water in the morning. And I don't. I don't know. I am, like, so connected to. Not. Not that. I mean, you have a fiance, so you understand girl talk. But, like, my period will come around the moon. It'll be like, full moon, and I'll be like, there it is. Like, I'm so connected. And there have been certain times where I literally have just stared at the moon and had full conversations, and those things come true.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's fascinating.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Water holds memory. They're. They're finding out now, too.

[A]

See? Well, then that makes sense. I felt so crazy, but I was like, I don't care. I'm doing it.

[B]

No, they've done studies on it now.

[A]

Whoa. What is life? Where are we? Who are we?

[B]

It's wild. The one. One study I've seen was people talk negatively to water and then water plants. The plants die, and then other studies talk positively to the water. The plants stay alive.

[A]

I should just. Here's my lesson. I need to drink more water and speak positively to it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You gotta drink the right type of water, not tap water.

[A]

Well, my whole house is on a filtered water system. Yeah.

[B]

Nice. Reverse osmosis.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know what's up?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. This is my type of podcast here.

[A]

I want to get more knowledgeable about this stuff just because I'm. I'm just starting to, like, learn and care and, like, understand.

[B]

Yeah. You got the shower filter, too. Yeah, yeah, that's needed.

[A]

Yeah. Especially because I'm. I'm even weird about the. Like, I used to just give my dogs Voss water. Like, you're not. You're not having that tap water. And then I got on a filtered.

[B]

System, but, yeah, no, tap water's killing dogs.

[A]

I know. I. I totally believe that. Like, it's. I. I do way too much. One of my. The girl that I rescued the dogs from, she is very holistic and, like, knows everything about everything for dogs and the amount of information she'll send me, and I'll be like, well, just throw that out the window. Like.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

Yeah, it's fascinating.

[B]

I mean, they're living way less than normal. One out of two of them is getting cancer now.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And I'm thinking about pulling mine out of, like, Banfield because, like, I don't want any more vaccines going in them.

[A]

Oh, Banfield. Yeah. No, I've.

[B]

I go to any vaccines.

[A]

I forget you don't live here. I was going to give you mine. I. My vet does a more holistic approach, and it's really cool.

[B]

I love that. Yeah. I want to go more holistic with them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I'm like, 25 vaccines.

[A]

25?

[B]

Yeah. Over the years. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Because they give a few a year, and it just adds up.

[A]

Yeah. I don't even. Yeah. I don't know what my. I should probably know, Laura, but I'm like, I don't know how many vaccines. I know mine have had some.

[B]

You and I have gotten more than 25.

[A]

We have.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Vaccines.

[B]

We've gotten like 50.

[A]

From what?

[B]

Just over the years, you had to get. Get them to go to school.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah.

[B]

Now kids are on about a hundred. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

Oh, my God. Now, I just have so many questions for you, but this is good. You're coming on my podcast tomorrow because I'm gonna ask on it tomorrow. Yeah. I'm like, I have questions for you because I don't have answers to this.

[B]

Kaylin, it's been fun. Where can people find you?

[A]

Oh, gosh. So I have a podcast that comes out twice a week called off the vine, which you will be on. And I also. My social media is at Caitlin Bristowe on pretty much everything.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

And my wine label is at Spade and Sparrows and trying it tomorrow. Oh, my gosh. Yes. It's so I. I'm like. I grew up. My mom drank wine with every meal, and she, like. She really, like, enjoyed pairing it with food. So then I got into the restaurant business, and I was that for 11 years, and I worked under a sommelier, and then I got into a management position where I had to train servers on wine knowledge. So I fell in love with, like, the history of wine and how it's made and where it comes from and all these things that come along with wine. And then, so creating my own wine label. This is truly the only wine that I drink because I enjoy it so much. Yeah.

[B]

Can't wait. So 9:30 is a bit early, but I'll drink it for you.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. Let's give you a little glass. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate your time.

[B]

Yeah, that was fun. Thanks for watching, guys. As always. We'll link her stuff below, check her out. See you next time.