Podcast Summary: Digital Social Hour – “Generation Z and the Decline of Intimacy | Rollo Tomassi DSH #879”
Host: Sean Kelly
Guest: Rollo Tomassi
Release Date: November 11, 2024
Introduction
In episode #879 of Digital Social Hour, host Sean Kelly engages in a thought-provoking conversation with bestselling author Rollo Tomassi, renowned for his insightful perspectives on modern relationships and social dynamics. The duo delves deep into the evolving landscape of intimacy, particularly focusing on Generation Z and the observable decline of intimate relationships among young adults today.
Dating Strategies: Plate Spinning and Non-Exclusive Dating
Rollo Tomassi introduces the concept of plate spinning—a metaphor for dating non-exclusively. This strategy serves as a buffer against oneitis (the obsession with a single individual) and the pervasive soulmate myth. Tomassi emphasizes that non-exclusive dating fosters a sense of abundance rather than scarcity, allowing individuals to maintain emotional equilibrium while exploring multiple relationships.
"Plate spinning and dating non-exclusively insulate you from oneitis and give you a sense of abundance instead of scarcity."
— Rollo Tomassi [00:00]
The Notch Count and Social Contexts
The conversation shifts to the notch count, a term Rollo uses to quantify past romantic or sexual partners. He reflects on societal perceptions, noting that the significance of notch counts is contextual and varies across different social environments.
“If you're not in triple digits, you got to get those numbers up.”
— Sean Kelly [00:47]
Rollo underscores his respect for individual lifestyle choices, sharing his personal experience of a 28-year marriage and contrasting it with different dating philosophies.
Generation Z and the Sexual Marketplace
Rollo discusses the declining trend of intimacy among Generation Z and late millennials, highlighting a persistent downward trajectory compared to previous generations like the Boomers and Gen X. He attributes this decline to the digital revolution, where technology has reshaped how individuals interact and form relationships.
“Most like Generation Z and the latter half of the millennials are simply not having as much sex as say, like the Boomers and my generation Gen X did at the same age.”
— Rollo Tomassi [05:25]
Globalization and Technology's Impact on Dating
The shift from a localized sexual marketplace to a global one is a central theme. Rollo explains how platforms like Instagram and dating apps have expanded the pool of potential partners beyond traditional social circles, altering perceptions of desirability and self-worth.
“Any girl that's on Instagram can see any other girl on Instagram... the perception is the potential for becoming intimate with somebody, say, in a foreign country, is a distinct possibility.”
— Rollo Tomassi [08:17]
He contrasts this with past eras, where meeting partners was confined to immediate social settings like clubs or mutual friends.
The Soulmate Myth and Monogamy
A significant portion of the discussion centers on the soulmate myth—the belief that there is one perfect person destined for each individual. Rollo challenges this notion, arguing that it perpetuates unrealistic expectations and enforces socially mandated monogamy.
“I don't believe in the soulmate as in general. ... the soulmate myth is really a story or mythology that we tell ourselves to support socially enforced monogamy.”
— Rollo Tomassi [13:49]
He shares personal insights from his 28-year marriage, emphasizing that successful relationships are built on polarity and maintaining individual identities, rather than the fantasy of having one's soulmate.
Happiness vs. Contentment
Rollo distinguishes between happiness as a proximate outcome and contentment as an ultimate outcome. He critiques contemporary society's obsession with perpetual happiness, suggesting that it leads to emotional instability and unrealistic life expectations.
“Happiness is a proximate outcome, not an ultimate outcome. We can't be happy, but we can do things that make us feel happiness.”
— Rollo Tomassi [34:30]
He advocates for pursuing activities that provide intrinsic rewards, thereby fostering sustainable contentment without relying on fleeting emotional highs.
Reignite: Supporting Men in Modern Relationships
Rollo introduces his upcoming book, “Reignite”, aimed at men aged 45 to 65 who are navigating post-divorce scenarios or seeking to reinforce their presence in the modern sexual marketplace. He highlights the lack of support structures for older men facing emotional and social challenges.
“Reignite is going to be a book that is specifically catered to guys who are between the ages of 45 and 65 years old... helping guys sort of reintegrate themselves into the global sexual marketplace.”
— Rollo Tomassi [46:55]
Rollo emphasizes the importance of tribalism—forming connections through shared interests—as a means to rebuild purpose and emotional resilience among men.
Marriage, Family Integration, and Societal Expectations
The discussion touches on the complexities of marriage beyond the union of two individuals, highlighting the integration of families and the long-term responsibilities it entails. Rollo shares his experiences of discussing marriage with his son-in-law, stressing the ripple effects of blending families and the significance of preparing for future familial dynamics.
“Marriage is not just about the two people involved... It's also involved with the in-laws and the friends of the in-laws.”
— Rollo Tomassi [31:39]
He advocates for a holistic understanding of marriage, encompassing legal, emotional, and familial aspects to ensure a stable, enduring partnership.
Conclusion
The episode concludes with Rollo promoting his books and upcoming shows, encouraging listeners to explore his work for deeper insights into modern relationships and personal development. Sean Kelly expresses appreciation for the enlightening conversation, underscoring the value of Rollo's perspectives on navigating the complexities of today's intimate and social landscapes.
“My books are available on Amazon and Audible... and I have two shows right now: The Rational Male and Access Vegas.”
— Rollo Tomassi [54:49]
Sean wraps up the episode by inviting listeners to stay tuned for future discussions, leaving them with a rich tapestry of ideas to ponder regarding Generation Z, intimacy, and the evolving dynamics of relationships.
Notable Quotes:
-
“Plate spinning and dating non-exclusively insulate you from oneitis and give you a sense of abundance instead of scarcity.”
— Rollo Tomassi [00:00] -
“Most like Generation Z and the latter half of the millennials are simply not having as much sex as say, like the Boomers and my generation Gen X did at the same age.”
— Rollo Tomassi [05:25] -
“I don't believe in the soulmate as in general... the soulmate myth is really a story or mythology that we tell ourselves to support socially enforced monogamy.”
— Rollo Tomassi [13:49] -
“Happiness is a proximate outcome, not an ultimate outcome. We can't be happy, but we can do things that make us feel happiness.”
— Rollo Tomassi [34:30] -
“Marriage is not just about the two people involved... It's also involved with the in-laws and the friends of the in-laws.”
— Rollo Tomassi [31:39]
Where to Find More:
- Books: Available on Amazon and Audible
- Shows:
- The Rational Male – Sundays at 1 PM Pacific / 4 PM Eastern
- Access Vegas – Thursdays at 8 PM Pacific / 11 PM Eastern
For those seeking a comprehensive exploration of modern intimacy trends, the decline of traditional relationships, and strategies to navigate the ever-changing sexual marketplace, this episode of Digital Social Hour offers valuable insights and actionable advice grounded in both personal experience and scholarly analysis.