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Digital Social Hour
Texting Secrets: How to Turn Matches into First Dates | Benjamin Seda DSH #1297
00:34:31
Unlock the secrets to turning matches into memorable first dates! 🔑✨ In this episode of the Digital Social Hour, Sean Kelly dives into the art of modern dating with expert Benjamin Seda, who’s been coaching men for over a decade. Get ready for...
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- [00:00]
Benjamin
Lot of dates or, you know, with girls, I feel like my game could be better. You don't want to jump into this weird subculture of guys that you don't really relate to.
- [00:10]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [00:11]
Benjamin
On the other hand, you had very generic advice, like, ask men style advice where it's like, just be confident or get a. Get a. Get a better haircut. And that's not very practical or actionable.
- [00:27]
Unknown
Okay, guys, Benjamin SATA here. We're gonna talk about dating. Yeah, let's do it, man. A lot of dating issues right now, right?
- [00:34]
Benjamin
Very much so, yeah. It's kind of like where. Where do you even start? There's. It's funny because I notice after Covid, it got way worse. I've been making dating content on YouTube specifically for almost 10 years now. And after Covid, there was a very noticeable difference, I think, because people were stuck inside for so long and. And it really destroyed third spaces for people. Like, are you familiar with the concept of third spaces?
- [01:01]
Unknown
No. What is that?
- [01:02]
Benjamin
So basically, the way most people used to meet, right. Was some variation of social circle. Whether it's I go to work, I go to school, I go to class, and I go to church. These are all third spaces where you're not just at home. But now with COVID making remote work super, super popular. Most of the guys that I work with or take on as clients, it's not that they're ugly or virgins or, you know, never been on a date. It's just that they're professionals. In fact, they're honestly usually making a lot of money. But they're working from home all day, 24 7, and their routine is go home or work all day, go to the gym, come back, repeat. That's it. So if you're not really in a third space, which is maybe the gym these days, people don't go to church anymore. And there's all sorts of laws and bad stigma with meeting people at work. It makes it really, really hard for people to date. And then they jump on dating apps. They don't get any results, and.
- [01:57]
Unknown
Right. Never cycle. Do you think the gym is a good spot to get girls? Because I've heard conflicting things on this. Like, some girls feel creeped out, right?
- [02:04]
Benjamin
Yeah. I think with anything, right. It's. If you do it the right way, then it can work. And I think the easiest way to. To make it work in a way that feels okay in the gym is number. And this goes for all types of approaches when you're approaching girls that you always want to do it In a way where it's very easy for her to exit the interaction gracefully.
- [02:22]
Unknown
Right?
- [02:23]
Benjamin
So the wrong way to approach a girl is to cat call or be like, hey, mama, you look so hot, or you're so sexy, or something very abrasive. It's always better to start off with something you can give a genuine compliment. But even as something as simple as like, hey, I saw you. I wanted to come meet you really fast.
- [02:38]
Unknown
Right?
- [02:39]
Benjamin
The intent is implicit there. You can compliment as well. But that way, if a girl isn't really interested, she can gracefully exit. The same is true at the gym, Right? At the gym. The only difference, I would say, is that your social reputation is potentially at stake when you're. When you're there. So, meaning if you go up and you're super aggressive or you give a very direct compliment and it goes poorly, you're going to have to see that girl again. Or maybe she'll report you to the gym staff or whatever. So generally the best way is to, I find, just be generally social at the gym, right? And you don't need to be like a dancing monkey. But if you see people, just make it a habit to smile and nodded so that when you do smile and nod at the girl, she'll know, oh, this is just the guy who's always talking and social with people. And then if she seems open and receptive, then you can go for it. I think you can directly approach a girl at the gym, too. It just has to be done correctly in terms of, like, your body language. And again, do it in a way where it's not invasive. Like, the worst way is when she's bent over with her ass out on the slot machine and you come over and you're like, hey, by the way, I thought you were really cute. I wanted to meet you. And she's like, what? I can't hear you. Got the headphones in. So it requires a good amount of social calibration and awareness to do it the right way. But I think just being social in general, talking to everybody, so that if a girl sees you talk to her, her guard is gonna be down because it's like, oh, that's the guy who talks to the guy at the front desk. And I see him talk to everyone else, right? And just generally speaking, I mean, you live in a big city. We're here in Vegas just having that ability to make conversations with people. I mean, dude, I talked to someone in the sauna, and then we end up doing business together or some random gu. The street who ask for directions. You never know where.
- [04:23]
Unknown
I always talk when I'm in sauna. I go to Lifetime. I'm gonna hit the sauna tonight after this. And you never know what will happen. Yeah, 100%. You've done a lot of interesting social experiments. I wanted to talk about some of these. Picking up 24 girls in 24 hours.
- [04:35]
Benjamin
Yes.
- [04:35]
Unknown
Was that in all one setting, or how did that work?
- [04:38]
Benjamin
So I actually did it in 12 hours. So I did this challenge on YouTube last year for the year of 2024, because, like, we talked about the idea that there's none of these third spaces and people are overly reliant on dating apps. I thought it was important for guys to tap back into that initial healthy masculinity and the ability of going out and creating these opportunities for yourself, given that the dating landscape has changed. So, yeah, I did a challenge where every day for 30 days straight, I had to film and upload a successful approach. And every day of the 30 days of January, there was a different challenge. So one I had to do. One where I was in the middle of jogging. One, it had to be at the grocery store, the gym. So literally any situation you could imagine yourself in. And if I didn't successfully complete and upload 30 full approaches, I'd have to give away 10 grand.
- [05:25]
Unknown
Wow.
- [05:25]
Benjamin
To a random stranger on the street. So the stakes were there. It was 100% real. Like, the whole thing. I didn't sleep. I was super sick throughout the whole thing. But the last day's challenge was picking up 24 girls in 24 hours. So that one was interesting because there was a lot of logistics that went into making it happen. So what's the best time to do it? I was in Miami.
- [05:46]
Unknown
Right.
- [05:46]
Benjamin
So you think there was. There was a couple stipulations. It couldn't just be at a nightclub or a festival where you can just.
- [05:51]
Unknown
That'd be too easy.
- [05:52]
Benjamin
They're dropping too easy. And it's. And it just ruins the. It ruins the. The spirit of the challenge, which was to meet people day to day, to not have to go to a nightclub or do something that's super invasive to your day to day, because a lot of guys who are successful and, you know, like, I talked about who are working 24 7. I mean, you're going to the sauna tonight. It's a Friday night in Vegas. You could go to a bar, a casino, a club. You could do anything. But if you're busy working and you have goals, you don't want to spend three hours At a nightclub, wake up hungover and drunk.
- [06:22]
Unknown
Right.
- [06:22]
Benjamin
You want to be able to do it in a way that's day to day. So, yeah, it was all during the daytime. Obviously it spilled over a little bit at night, but it was all approaches on the street or at different locations during the day. So, Yeah, I did 50,000 steps. Oh my gosh, over 50,000 steps. Me, my cameraman did.
- [06:39]
Unknown
That's insane.
- [06:40]
Benjamin
Yeah, our feet were hurting. We brought five different batteries, three different SD cards, and we literally were at like 6, 7 or 6% battery by the end of the day. We had to stop in, in the middle to go and recharge everything, but it still wasn't enough. And I did it In, I believe, 13 hours. You see the video, I timed the whole thing. I showed the step counts, what was considered a pickup.
- [07:02]
Unknown
Getting their number.
- [07:03]
Benjamin
Yeah, I had to get their. Their number or their Instagram successfully. Some sort of contact info. So I believe I was 24, 4:38.
- [07:12]
Unknown
Damn.
- [07:12]
Benjamin
24:40.
- [07:13]
Unknown
That's really good.
- [07:14]
Benjamin
40. Something like that.
- [07:15]
Unknown
So were you targeted or were you approaching randoms? Like, was it. So that's a really good ratio.
- [07:19]
Benjamin
Y was a couple things, right? Like, to keep the integrity of the experiment, I only wanted to approach girls I would actually be at least somewhat interested in. Yeah, I mean, when you're approaching someone, it's usually just a vibe thing or a physicality thing. Someone you would actually be attracted to. I'm not going to go, you know, approach a grandma and get a number. Like, you know, it counts, right? So, yeah, like the stipulations where it had to be girls that I would at least in a normal setting, consider attractive and, and approaching. But yeah, it was crazy, you know, it was. It was almost like the universe gave it to me and like, rewarded my effort. Because at the end, the very last approach, I was talking to my cameraman. Like, I was. There was a segment in the video where I was talking to the camera and a girl just come walks right in and like starts talking to the camera as well. So then I started talking to her and then she was the 24. That was the last one, the last approach. But I got that one just came to me as like, the universe rewarded destiny.
- [08:13]
Unknown
The.
- [08:13]
Benjamin
The effort. Yeah. But the, the interesting thing about that experiment that I found was. Was most interesting was that you can get a. Ironically, committing to a really big goal. Like that made it easier because if on any given day, and I actually recommend this with clients or people I work with, I'm like, instead of just Trying to approach one girl a day. Why don't you just go out for three hours, one day, four hours, one day. If you're, especially if you're really nervous and just start a conversation with 10 girls a day, right? Cause if it's a bigger number, you start, you stop overthinking every little one. Where it's like, if I have one girl I need to approach, I need to get her number today, you're gonna start thinking, oh, like I have to approach her. If I don't do it. And you can hype it up and build it up to be something in your head that's a lot more difficult. Whereas if it's a huge number now, instead of thinking from a place of fear, like, can I even do this now? You have to start thinking logistically and tactically of like, okay, where am I gonna go? How am I gonna open? What am I? Like, you have to think about the actual execution of how you would conquer such a big goal. And I mean, the best place to start is like when I work with clients, I'm not saying, hey, do you got to go get 10 numbers this week? Like, it's like, no, dude, just start a conversation. Just say hi. And after you say hi, if you feel comfortable, you can ask a follow up question. But just start by saying hi or I like your shirt or I like your X, Y, Z thing. Just to get. You guys need to remove the mental programming that if I talk to a girl or start a conversation, that I'm going to have some sort of bad reaction. So the way you do that is by you remove all the pressure. It's like, listen, I have no expectation of you getting a number. All you have to do is go up and just, just say hi. That's it, just say hi. Give her a compliment, anything. Because then they start to realize I can initiate conversations with a stranger. And you're only ever going to get three reactions. Positive, negative, or neutral. That's it. And when you know that you're going to get one of those three, it kind of removes the uncertainty and the fear. And then you start to see, whoa, like I said hi, or I told her, gave her a compliment, and now she's talking to me. And like all of a sudden these guys are getting numbers when they weren't even trying to do it right. Because they start to understand that sometimes luck can play on your side. The more repetitions and position opportunities you give yourself.
- [10:21]
Unknown
Yeah, it's almost like a numbers games. Once you're doing the reps right Yeah.
- [10:25]
Benjamin
I think the, the whole thesis of game, right. Or the skill of dating is so that it's not a numbers game, but very much in the beginning. And the biggest problem with guys I see today is that they're just not meeting enough women, period. Right. Like dating is a math problem. And the math, the formula is really simple. It's like leads times conversions equals dates.
- [10:44]
Unknown
Right.
- [10:45]
Benjamin
You only ever have two problems. Either you're not meeting enough women or the women that you are meeting, you're not turning into a date. For example, you get zero matches, you're not going to get any dates on the apps.
- [10:55]
Unknown
Right.
- [10:55]
Benjamin
But if you have 100 matches, even if your text game is awful and you only get, you know, 10% of those girls out on dates, that's 10 dates.
- [11:03]
Unknown
Right.
- [11:03]
Benjamin
So there's a conversion aspect of this and then there's a, like a, just a volume and lead generation aspect of it. So in a perfect world, you do want to get to a point once you develop the skill set after a lot of repetitions and after lots of volume where you can just go up and approach a girl and with pretty high confidence know you can lead that to at least the date. Not every girl is going to love you. You're not going to be the right fit for every girl. But at least know that I can get this to a date or make it progress into something.
- [11:29]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [11:29]
Benjamin
Where there's a possibility there. So in the beginning it's definitely a numbers game.
- [11:32]
Unknown
Right.
- [11:32]
Benjamin
Like most guys, they're just not meeting enough women. Whether it's on the apps. Most of the guys I talk to who approach me to for coaching or for private consulting is most of them are just not doing approaches at all.
- [11:44]
Unknown
Right.
- [11:44]
Benjamin
Or if they do, it's very infrequent. It's like, okay, when was the last time you did an approach? I mean guys go out to bars or clubs with their friends and then you're like, okay, how many approaches did you do? You went out last Friday. How many approaches did you do? None. Like, okay, so you just stayed up late all night and drunk to drink.
- [12:01]
Unknown
They're not going to come to you.
- [12:02]
Benjamin
It's like, what, what better opportunity did you, did you want, you know.
- [12:07]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [12:07]
Benjamin
So in the beginning, especially if someone's early in the skillset volume and the numbers game aspect is really important in my mind.
- [12:13]
Unknown
That makes sense. The text game is important. Now I've heard mixed messaging on this. What's your approach when it comes to texting women? Because some guys are like, you should ignore Them. Some guys are like, you should text them every day. Is it case by case?
- [12:24]
Benjamin
Yeah. So this is a great question, right? So texting is really important because even if you have 10 out of 10, you have a 10 out of 10 dating profile. You can have a 10 out of 10 approach skills. If you don't, if you can't convert that phone number that you get from the dating app or from in person, if you can't convert that into a date, like the text conversation is going to determine whether or not she agrees to the date in the first place. So in a lot of ways I say this to my guys all the time. Texting is one of the most important dating skills, period. Because you can ruin a great first impression with a text conversation or you could potentially repair one. So in terms of how to do it in the most effective way, I find a lot of the gamesmanship or the trickery around like, oh, ignore her, wait X amount of time to do it. What guys are really trying to do is they're trying to create fake scarcity or they're trying to create like an inflated artificial sense of value like, oh, he's so busy he can't do it. Where it's like, it doesn't really make a lot of sense because a lot of times, especially on a dating app, where there's max distraction and she's getting new matches and new messages every minute, if anything, you want to reply fast. So you can get her off the dating app as fast as possible and you want to get her in front of you on a first date as quick as possible. So if anything, I tell guys, I mean, I respond to a message when I see it. Obviously if you're a man, high value man, and I cringe saying that, but everyone knows what you mean when you say that, right? But if you're a guy with a good life to bring a, to bring a woman into, you're going to have stuff going on. So it's a, it's a self fixing problem. If a guy's like, should I wait to respond or let, let her, you know, kind of ice her out a little bit. It's like you probably don't have enough going on anyways that you want to be playing these, these tricks in the first place.
- [14:02]
Unknown
So you have a very different approach from the red pill movement then?
- [14:05]
Benjamin
Honestly? Yeah, I would say, in my experience, I think so. I think the red pill movement has probably made guys worse off, really dating in a lot of ways. Yeah. So the red pill is an interesting thing because Like I said, I've been making dating content for 10 years now. So when I started making dating content, a big reason why my original channel blew up and the original branding that I had blew up was because back then, the way guys would consume dating content was you either had these pickup artists who had these very niche subcultures where they used all this complicated words and jargon and it was just very cringe.
- [14:41]
Unknown
Right.
- [14:41]
Benjamin
So it was a high barrier to entry. If you're just like a normal guy who's like, hey man, I'm not really getting a lot of dates or, you know, with girls, I feel like my game could be better. You don't want to jump into this weird subculture of, of, of guys that you don't really relate to.
- [14:55]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [14:56]
Benjamin
On the other hand, you had very generic advice like ask men style advice where it's like, just be confident or get it, get a, get a better haircut. And that's not very practical or actionable either. So where, where, where the content that we made on YouTube stood out was, it was very direct, it was very actionable to the point, but it wasn't. It had a low barrier to entry, to consume. Like anyone could watch it.
- [15:21]
Unknown
Right.
- [15:22]
Benjamin
Like you could watch it and learn something from it, even if you knew nothing about pickup or dating. The thing with the red pill movement is I actually think the. It's not a coincidence that it blew up the way it did during COVID Right. Because the red pill movement, I started seeing the first kind of inklings of it in 2018, 2019. There was a few niche YouTubers that were making red pill content. I saw them starting to gain some, some traction. But it really had escaped velocity during COVID because everyone's inside.
- [15:49]
Unknown
Right.
- [15:50]
Benjamin
So if you did, if you were meeting people out and about, you're not anymore. Now you're inside. You're relying on dating apps where you're getting terrible results because dating apps are photos based and the average guy has no idea how to take photos of himself because the average guy doesn't even own a full length mirror. You'd be surprised at the number of guys where I'm like, okay, we're going to get you a photo shoot done. We're going to get you a photographer. We're going to completely revamp your profiles. Just send me your five pictures of you wearing your five best outfits in a full length mirror. Half the guys don't even own a full length mirror.
- [16:18]
Unknown
Right.
- [16:18]
I don't think I do, actually.
- [16:20]
Benjamin
Yeah, right. You're a guy Right. You check for two seconds for a hygiene check, make sure you look presentable, and then you're out the door. But when it comes to taking photos, all of those little details matter.
- [16:30]
Unknown
Right.
- [16:31]
Benjamin
So the average guy doesn't know what they're doing on the apps. They don't have good photos. They don't know how to precisely package themselves in an attractive way. So you also have this like very politicized era during COVID right. Where everything became super political. And I think you created this perfect storm for the red pill movement because it's more political than it is actionable. Because, for example, like what you're familiar with red pill content. Every guy is.
- [16:57]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [16:57]
Benjamin
Like what would you say are, is the main advice, the main red pill advice for improving your dating life?
- [17:06]
Unknown
A lot of them say to date multiple women at the same time. They say put men on a pedestal. Like you're, you're superior to women. Right. So I'd say those are the two main things. What about you?
- [17:16]
Benjamin
Yeah, like those are great, right? The, I think like the main point that encompasses all of that is all about raising your sexual market value.
- [17:25]
Unknown
Right?
- [17:25]
Benjamin
Becoming a high value man. Because when you're a high value man, women chase you. I don't know about you, man. Like I've coached, I actually coach a lot of guys who are in the crypto space. Guys worth eight, nine figures, they're rich, super successful, in good shape and they're all young. So it's not like they're old, 50 year old millionaires.
- [17:42]
Unknown
Right.
- [17:42]
Benjamin
Girls don't just fall from the sky. You're not walking around with your bank account on your forehead.
- [17:46]
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. Money alone is, isn't enough.
- [17:49]
Benjamin
I think even status and value alone isn't enough. If you want a relationship now, if you want to buy tables at the club and hook up with hoes or whatever, very short term casual stuff, no judgment there. Then, you know, status can work for a day, two days, a weekend, a week. But ultimately a woman is going to be attracted and want to stay based on how you make her feel. And your status could make her feel something initially, but eventually the emotional connection is going to be about much more than just the status. Unless you're, you know, dealing with very vapid surface level women. And it's no coincidence that a lot of the guys who espouse this red pill philosophy are in, you know, very, very aggressive subcultures that are status driven hierarchies. Like Miami.
- [18:33]
Unknown
Right?
- [18:33]
Benjamin
Like Miami is kind of the hub of all of that. I mean, if you walk down Brickell, everyone's trying to. To flaunt or flex their status. And if you think about it, like, do you really want your relationship to be kind of this power struggle between you and your partner when you guys are supposed to be in alignment on the same team? So I think, generally speaking, there's not a lot of practical advice that the red pill gives, aside from, you know, just make money or just increase your status, which are all great. But the thing is, is that if you don't know how to communicate that status in a way that's compelling, in a way that's charismatic and socially calibrated, then it's just not going to work. Have you seen that meme? There's. There's some of these, like, interviews where guys or guys will ask a girl, like, oh, what do you bring to the table? And the girls never know what to say. It's because, like, a relationship isn't meant to be discussed overtly like that. Like, certain aspects, of course, but, like, it's a value exchange. But it's a value exchange much more on an emotional level than on a logical level. Whereas the red pill train of thought is more so about, like, girls like me are going to date me for my resume, which is generally not the case. Like, you even think about this, and I imagine you have an insane network. You've had literally everyone, anyone with a very impressive background on here, but the people that you're really, really friends with and you'd like to spend time with, it goes beyond more than just their resume or who they are with men. It's a little bit more transactional relationships. But, I mean, I'm sure you're still friends with some people that you knew before you were very successful.
- [20:06]
Unknown
For me, it's an energy thing. It's how do they make me feel? Like, are they taking or giving me energy?
- [20:10]
Benjamin
Exactly.
- [20:10]
Unknown
Right.
- [20:11]
Benjamin
And that can be a friend who's funny or because you have a lot of shared history, so you understand each other in a very certain way.
- [20:17]
Unknown
Right.
- [20:18]
Benjamin
It's the same thing with women, but on steroids, because women are operating much more emotionally, generally speaking. So, yeah, I think the red pill falls short in that there's not a lot of practical advice. Like, if you ask me, what's the best texting advice? Okay. If you. If you're on a dating app, you want to ask for the date within the first one to three messages, you want to get her off the dating app as fast as possible because there's a ton of distraction and a Lot of things pulling her attention away from you. You ask, okay, what's the best way to meet a high, high quality woman? I would say usually during the daytime approaching women in day to day scenarios because if a girl's out at a club very often she's probably in a more casual, short term, fun phase of her life, which there's nothing wrong with that. But if you want something long term, you're probably going to want to approach a girl at a cafe or coming out of a yoga class or the mall or somewhere day to day where you would find someone who's in a more regimented routine and has their life in a more stable, secure place. So you don't really get that from the red pill as much. A lot of it is just like buy Instagram followers, get a blue check mark, have a Lamborghini, get a nice watch. And I think it's this caricature of masculinity that tends to fall short when it comes to actually building a longer term relationship. Because out of all the guys I work with, 99% want the same thing. I want to improve my pool of options. I want to date lots of women and then I want to of that pool of options. Now that I have the abundance, I want to choose the right one to spend to settle down with long term. Like a lot of guys, they, they prefer to be in a relationship longer term but they want to make sure that they are choosing that from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. And most of the time they're operating from a place of scarcity because they don't have choice. So guys are more so just dating women who pick them or the women who are convenient.
- [22:05]
Unknown
That makes sense. Have you ever had, you mentioned a virgin client earlier? Have you ever had a virgin client that you helped out?
- [22:10]
Benjamin
Yeah, I've had, I've had quite a few over the years. I would say on average the guys that, that I work with. Anytime you're going to do like a personalized coaching or consulting with someone, I'll be really honest. Like so much of the success is on the person that you're working with, right? Like as much as my system and my way of doing things works and I stand behind it 110% and I have insane results for guys who we've been able to do it for is it will only work if the person is in a place in their life where they're actually going to implement it.
- [22:41]
Unknown
Right.
- [22:41]
Benjamin
Like I can't approach the girl for you, I can't text the Girl for you, right? There's things we can do. I can build your profile, I can build your Instagram, I can, you know, coach you on what to say and how to say it and why to say it. So we can teach you how to fish in addition to giving you a fish. But at the end of the day, like, they need to be the right person to execute it. So generally speaking, that's why with my more intimate private coaching, I work with guys who are a little bit older. The average client is in their 30s, I would say between 25 and 50. I've worked with quite a number of guys in their.
- [23:11]
Unknown
Yeah, that's a wide range.
- [23:12]
Benjamin
Well, I've worked with quite a number of guys in their 60s, post divorce. Yeah, they're like, I haven't been on a date in 30 years. Where do I start?
- [23:17]
Unknown
Now that's. Is that different advice based off the age though? Because the market changes, right?
- [23:22]
Benjamin
Yeah, so it's slightly different, but it's pretty much the same man. It's pretty similar. There's obviously nuance, right? Like if you're dating a woman who's probably 30 and older that she. The way she's going to want to text or interact on a first date is going to be different than a girl who's 21 and still in college or fresh out of college in a new city.
- [23:40]
Unknown
Right.
- [23:40]
Benjamin
But I find that I don't usually work with guys who are under 25. And the reason for that is because to a little bit to the credit of the red pill philosophy is that usually their life isn't fully in order. And if I'm going to work with someone and put in a lot of time to help them develop, I like to see that they already have a career or some other thing. I actually worked with a lot of guys in the military, just some other thing that they've accomplished and done in their life. Because that shows me, okay, you can follow a structure, you've gotten success in other areas. That shows me that if we actually get intentional about this area, you're very likely to get success and it'll be a win win for both of us. Because it's not like depending on how you're coaching someone, if it's just a course, it kind of doesn't matter. Like it's fully up to them. But when you're coaching someone, you really have to choose the right type of person. And I think that falls on the coach to make sure you're choosing the right type of person because otherwise you're gonna end up in a situation where you bring on someone who you can't really help and then you're spending it wasting a bunch of time where they're not satisfied and you're wasting a bunch of time that could have been spent with someone else. You could actually helps. So generally speaking, I think if you're a younger guy under 25, you definitely want your main focus to be getting your, your life in order. Whether that's physically, obviously financially. It's always a great idea to, to get a head start there. But I. This idea of the self improvement monk mode, like don't talk to girls, don't talk to anyone until you've kind of become into your prime. I think that's, I think that's a dangerous philosophy as well. Because I mean, I hear that in Red Pill.
- [25:16]
Unknown
If you're financially broke, you shouldn't even talk to woman.
- [25:18]
Benjamin
Yeah, I think that's, that's the wrong, that's the wrong message.
- [25:21]
Unknown
Right.
- [25:22]
Benjamin
Like it shouldn't be a main focus and you shouldn't go out of your way or you know, prioritize women over your finances or what's going to put you in a successful life position. But I think you miss out on a lot of opportunities as a young person. Let's say you are in college or just being young in general. There's a lot of unique experiences around dating. And I've worked with guys who are in their 30s or late 20s and they're like, haven't had a girlfriend ever. I haven't been on a date in five years. And then you, you get to the point where let's say you're 29 and you go on a date with a girl and she starts asking you about your dating history or you guys start going over stuff and she starts to. Or she just realizes that you're very inexperienced dating wise. And that's going to be a red flag for her because she seem to think, okay, he's successful, he's 29, but why does he not know what he's.
- [26:09]
Unknown
Doing to be like, what's hiding?
- [26:11]
Benjamin
Yeah, what's wrong with him?
- [26:12]
Unknown
Right.
- [26:12]
Benjamin
Like, why is no one else. Like, how has he not fixed this yet? So the older you get, the more successful you get, the higher the expectations on you get as well.
- [26:20]
Unknown
Right.
- [26:20]
Benjamin
Which is something that a lot of people don't realize is that I also find that a lot of times guys will put off women and dating as a whole as kind of a way to kick the can down the road because it's like I'M afraid to approach the girl. I'm afraid to go for what I really want and kind of put myself out there and take some risk and put myself in a vulnerable position. So it's easier for me to just go focus on making more money or going to the gym or whatever it is, because at least I can buy. Buy into the idea that if I do that, then girls are eventually going to chase me at some point, which it's just not. Not really true. I mean, you could stand outside on the. On the Vegas strip with a Lamborghini all day, probably not going to have any girl come up to you and throw themselves.
- [27:02]
Unknown
A lot of those videos are fake, actually.
- [27:03]
Benjamin
Oh, yeah, Most of them are.
- [27:05]
Unknown
Right.
- [27:05]
Benjamin
Like 100% gold digger ones. Yeah, 100%.
- [27:08]
Unknown
Plus you don't even want that girl anyways. Like, they're attracting you for a car. Like, that's not going to be a real relationship.
- [27:13]
Benjamin
Yeah, of course.
- [27:14]
Unknown
What do you think of the damn Lizarin approach where the woman. He funnels the woman to him. He doesn't pursue any woman. It's like the opposite to yours, actually.
- [27:21]
Benjamin
So I wouldn't say it's opposite.
- [27:24]
Unknown
Right.
- [27:24]
Benjamin
It's. I wouldn't give a prescription of. Every guy should do this. It's always very personal to you. Right. Like, I don't believe in giving blanket prescriptions to anyone because I don't know your life context, I don't know your strengths, I don't know your weaknesses.
- [27:37]
Unknown
Right.
- [27:38]
Benjamin
So, for example, the. The Dan Bilzerian approach is. I mean, the. The only way you could replicate that as a guy who isn't worth nine figures or whatever Dan Bilzerian is worth is by creating, like, a very strong social circle. So I would say that the Dan Bilzerian method, a lot of times it's very time heavy in that he has to have a staff. I mean, I don't know how much you. Yeah.
- [28:02]
Unknown
The parties and yeah, he has, like.
- [28:04]
Benjamin
A full staff of people who are coordinating these parties. He's managing his assistant who's, like, getting girls or contacting modeling agencies to bring girls in or whatever it is. Right. So if you want to live that lifestyle. But most guys I know who are successful and do have a lot of money, they don't even drink.
- [28:19]
Unknown
Right.
- [28:20]
That's true. These days especially.
- [28:21]
Benjamin
Yeah. Like, most of my, like, dude, 90, over 90% of my clients don't even drink.
- [28:25]
Unknown
Right.
- [28:25]
Benjamin
Like, a big thing we go over is, like, if I go on a first date with a girl and I don't want to drink but we're going to a bar, like how do I handle that? Or I want to approach girls but I don't want to go to a bar or club. So if you're going to be throwing huge parties, you're, you're basically living the club nightlife lifestyle and that's just not a fit for most guys. It sounds like it works for him. And for certain guys, like if you're young or you have a lot of fun in that scene then that's great. You should definitely do something like that. Have an extended social circle, have a network of promoters, have the good spots where you're well known. So when you go in there is that little bit of extra status and oh, this guy looks like he owns the place. He looks very important. That definitely helps create an initial impression. But again beyond that you have to follow that up. Status will get your foot in the door but it's not going to take you to the finish line. That's, that's really what, what I've seen from working with, I mean over a thousand guys in a very private, intimate, hands on setting.
- [29:21]
Unknown
Now you said you worked with a lot of crypto guys. A lot of crypto guys are introverts, right?
- [29:25]
Benjamin
Yeah. And that's a big thing too.
- [29:27]
Unknown
Right.
- [29:27]
Benjamin
Like if a guy for example, like going back to what I said, I don't prescribe the same thing for everyone.
- [29:33]
Unknown
Right.
- [29:34]
Benjamin
Like a guy who's peak bull market, he wants to just go on one day a week. He's probably doesn't need, he probably doesn't have time to step away from Memescope to jump to, to to go do cold approach.
- [29:46]
Unknown
Right.
- [29:46]
Benjamin
He is probably better off maximizing the dating apps, paying for the top tier subscription, paying for Boost 247 getting a really good photo shoot done, getting lots of photos tested 247 because he can be on Memescope and texting a girl back on Tinder. He could be on memes scope and messaging a girl on Hinge.
- [30:04]
Unknown
Right.
- [30:04]
Benjamin
Or Dming girls on Instagram. So that makes sense. If you're like locked in, in that monk mode lifestyle where you're very focused on work and maybe you're not leaving the house for that period of time. But when the market dries up maybe and you're going out a lot and you are seeing women day to day when you're just out and about, why not take advantage of those opportunities? So there's a time and place for everything.
- [30:24]
Unknown
Right?
- [30:24]
Benjamin
There's a time and place for the Danbury and social Circle approach, time and place for cold approach Instagram dating apps. It's just about what's going to fit your lifestyle and where you feel you, you, you tend to get the best results.
- [30:34]
Unknown
Is there any specific apps you're seeing the most success with?
- [30:37]
Benjamin
Hinge, by far.
- [30:38]
Unknown
Hinge, yeah.
- [30:39]
Benjamin
So Hinge is the best because the prompts make. There's less of a social stigma associated with Hinge.
- [30:47]
Unknown
Right.
- [30:47]
Benjamin
They did really good branding with like, oh, it's meant for relationships and designed to be deleted. So they did a really good job with that. Bumble kind of tried to rebrand the hookup stigma of Tinder. But the problem is, is that they, they create. They. The, the main core feature of the app is completely antithetical to how female male mate selection works.
- [31:11]
Unknown
Right.
- [31:11]
They have to message first.
- [31:12]
Benjamin
Yeah, the woman has to message first. Like in what, like where in history ever have women been the, the pursuers? It's just, just not very common. Right. So a lot of guys have bad experiences on Bumble, but generally speaking, across the board, most guys are getting the most results on Hinge by far. And I think it's also, it's because it's prompt based.
- [31:34]
Unknown
Right.
- [31:35]
Benjamin
So beyond just the photos, like they force the prompts in between so you're. The girl is forced to see a little bit more personality and if you have a little bit of game or you can package and present yourself well with words that really helps along with the photos. Also you can just like have more info there at once, whereas it's a little more fragmented on the other apps. But I do see with guys, generally speaking, guys who are maybe like 30 and 30, 35 and up, they tend to do well on Bumble as well, especially if they're dating slightly older women, let's say women like 28, 29 and up. Bumble tends to do better for that demographic in that crowd. And then Tinder is kind of just at the bottom of the list. Generally Tinder does work well in less populated places. So if I'm in like Indianapolis or North Carolina, like smaller places outside of big metro cities.
- [32:27]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [32:28]
Benjamin
Then Tinder works well because it's still the most popular and most downloaded dating app out of all of them. Or if you're overseas, Tinder's really good. Like Hinge isn't used much in place most of Europe. It's used a lot in parts of Poland, some parts like uk, Ireland, but most of Western Europe or Europe in general. Hinge is just less popular. So Tinder and Bumble are still.
- [32:50]
Unknown
Wow, you Got clients everywhere. I love how you know that.
- [32:52]
Benjamin
I have client. I've worked with clients in every single country except Antarctica.
- [32:57]
Unknown
Wow.
- [32:57]
I mean, there's only like 100 people there, so that makes sense. I would pretty much say you've done every continent at that point.
- [33:03]
Benjamin
Yeah, yeah. I've coached some guys in South Africa. I even had a guy in Egypt.
- [33:08]
Unknown
Damn.
- [33:08]
Benjamin
Way, way back when.
- [33:10]
Unknown
You kind of got to learn other culture dating styles, too, at that point.
- [33:13]
Benjamin
Yeah. So generally speaking, it's largely. I would still say the general principles still apply. But for example, the way I would text a girl or approach a girl if I'm in Eastern Europe, like Poland or Kosovo or Albania is going to be different than a girl in New York or Vegas or Miami.
- [33:31]
Unknown
Right.
- [33:31]
Benjamin
More traditional cultures in Eastern Europe or maybe parts of Asia, depending on where you're at. If it's a more conservative culture, there's definitely some things to keep in mind. But I haven't had an issue where it's like, oh, this guy's from a different culture. I can't help him. It's just, okay, we gotta just adjust stuff based on that specific culture. And I do have some other coaches who help me, so I have a coach who's out in Bulgaria, so he's very well aware of, like, Eastern European culture and dating those types of women. So that. That definitely helps as well.
- [34:01]
Unknown
That's cool, man. Benjamin, this was fun. Where could people get coached by you and find you, man?
- [34:05]
Benjamin
Yeah, the best place to find me is YouTube and Instagram. And once you're. Once you're on there, you can find out about all the stuff that we do, coaching wise.
- [34:12]
Unknown
I love it, man. I'm gonna check out that video. 24 and 24 hours, dude.
- [34:15]
Benjamin
It's actually. If anyone ever. What video should I watch? It's the 24 girls in 24 hours. It's. It's very, very entertaining.
- [34:20]
Unknown
We'll link that one below. Thanks for coming on, man.
- [34:22]
Benjamin
Cool, man. I appreciate it.
- [34:23]
Unknown
Yep. Check them out, guys. I'll see you next time.