Garrett McLendon (40:17)
And. And, and this is where words, man. Like, words are a lot. Words mean a lot. But I'm gonna tell you, when I. When I grabbed my son and I turned around and looked back, you know, I, I, I. My mom was peeking out the. The hospital room, the door right there, man, and, like, it was like, in a long time, like. And, man, I'm gonna tell you, man, like, all that, there was no words that you could put in the middle of all that eye contact, that, that she saw her son and a different perspective, man, that maybe she knew at that point that the program is working in my life and that, that her, she don't have to worry about her son being locked up in prison and dead in the paper or doing all this life, man. But I looked, we caught eye contact for the very first time. I didn't make eye contact with many people, a lot of people, anybody, when I was out there, man. But I made the eye contact that day with my mom and that love. And man, and it was like, it felt, it filled that void in me that she just knew, man, like her son is in a good spot, man. And, and I thought, man, and I really thought. What I really thought, man, is like, I thought, man, like they talk about reservations and all this stuff, and, and I was thinking, man, if, if something ever happened to my mom, I don't know if I could hold it together, you know, my, you know, and, and, and for many years, you know, and, and, and I always, man, I made sure that I was always present with my mom on a holiday, his birthday, his Mother's Day. Every day I spent, you know, I, I, I, I, I put the effort in, you know, and, and when my mom was, she got sick, man, it was just a phone call. One day, man, I get a call from my sister. Mom's mom's not good. She's going to the hospital. And I, I gotta say that. And that this is what blows my mind is that I was surrounded by a group of men. And, and you know, and I, I was, I was holding all this in, like, I didn't want to, I didn't want everybody to be like, oh, man, you know, I didn't want all the empathy from all these people around me, you know, Like, I sort of was just like, like running with it, you know, I'm on my bike, I got tears coming down my eyes, you know, as I'm, as I'm riding on my helmet on, so I'm like, I'm shielding. Nobody could really see me. You know, I'm driving from, from A to B. I'm going to, I'm going to Havasu on my bike or to Laughlin. And, and like, you know, we stop here and I got a phone call and like in Victorville or Barstow, like, hey, she's in, she's going in for a surgery. And by the time I get into to Laughlin and I jump in the water, you know, my mom, My mom was, it was done. It was done, man. And she was gone, dude. She, she, that she was, she was gone. It was. And you know, my sister was telling me and, and, and I really felt this, man. I, like there was a something, man, like, losing your mom. Like, I lost my dad 11 months earlier and now I'm losing my mom. I lost a couple friends. I, I just went through like some, some bad relationship stuff and I really felt like, you know, like, man, like this, what's going on, you know, and man, and do none of that, do any of that stuff, man, did I feel like taking a drink, hit her face and putting it to change the way I was feeling, man, I walked, I walked through all those emotions, man, like, and I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying that like, like it didn't have a grip on you and like it's pulling you down. Like, I, I just try to, I try to, you know, self sacrifice to others, man. I just try to help other people, man, help other people without, without telling them about my problems, man. I just try to help other people, help other people, help other. Is the only thing that was keeping me live, man. The only thing that was like, helping me not like, think about like, oh, I, I should have did this, I should have done that. I, I, I should, you know, all this should have, would have, could haves, you know, the only thing that, that, that could help me was me just, just being like, you know what, man? That, that's it, man. Like, I, I can't take a drink, hit or fix to, to, to, to deal with all this emotions and all this pain. A guy like me, the way I, I, I, I'm not used to emotions. I'm not used to, I'm not used to pain. I'm used to a neutral mono tone. Like they said. I'm either, I'm either down or up and you know, I'm either. And I like to stay up though. And they're usually down like a week or two later, you know, like, like I'm used to staying up, man. And here I am, man. I, and I, I, I, I'm just before my 10 years and I'm sitting there and, and I, man, I, I can't put nothing in my body to, to, to change the way I was feeling, man, and I have to walk through all these emotions. Like, I, I had to be sad, you know, I had a, I had to reflect about, man, all the good stuff, man, that went on with My mom's life, man. I don't care about all that bad stuff. That's how your perception is. Like, you gotta. You gotta figure out like, you can either hold on to all these bad memories and all this stuff that went wrong, or you can just take all that good stuff out, man, and just hold on. I choose to hang on to all this good stuff that happened between us, man. All the, all the good stuff, man, like how. How loving and caring she really was despite all the stuff that went on, you know, and, and, and, yeah, man. And just walk through it, man, and it just makes you like a, you know. You know, to this day, I love my mom, man. It's still this day.
