Why Most Couples Are Having Disappointing S3x (Dr. Emily Morse Explains) | DSH #1830

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Digital Social Hour – “Why Most Couples Are Having Disappointing S3x (Dr. Emily Morse Explains)” | DSH #1830

Host: Sean Kelly
Guest: Dr. Emily Morse
Air date: February 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode welcomes Dr. Emily Morse (“Sex with Emily”), a renowned sex educator and long-time podcast host, to explore why so many couples report disappointing sex lives. The candid conversation deconstructs myths, opens up about the "pleasure thieves" preventing sexual fulfillment, and provides pragmatic communication tools for couples to reinvigorate intimacy. The tone is approachable, direct, and demystifies sex, aiming to normalize open dialogue and support lasting, passionate relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "Pleasure Thieves": Causes of Disappointing Sex

• Dr. Morse opens by identifying “pleasure thieves”—stress, trauma, and shame—as principal barriers to sexual fulfillment.

  “If we’re living in a state of anxiety and stress… it’s a lot harder to be in a state of arousal. You could be the sexiest person on the planet…But if you grew up in an environment that told you sex was wrong, or you just don’t feel great in your body… it doesn’t matter how much right things you do. It’s going to be hard to live in a…” (00:00)

2. Sex Education is Still Failing Most People

• Dr. Morse notes a persistent lack of quality, realistic sex education, which perpetuates false beliefs and inaccessible standards, even as conversations become more common.

  “Most of what we’ve learned about sex is simply untrue. And so there’s always people who are constantly learning, relearning about sex.” (00:58)

• Over 50% of people report disappointing sex after the “honeymoon” phase ends (01:44).

3. The Biology of Desire and the “Relationship Dip”

• Morse explains the initial burst of sexual energy—driven by dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin—is temporary, and after 6 months to 2 years, desire shifts away from being biologically-driven.

  “From when we meet somebody, we have the…most delicious cocktail of feel-good hormones…But like any drug, what comes up must come down…That can only last so long.” (02:17)

4. Rekindling Desire in Long-Term Relationships

• Morse argues for intentional skill-building after the honeymoon period, especially around communication:

  “We have to learn to communicate about sex. I always say communication is lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the better sex we’re gonna have.” (03:31)

  • Many conversations focus on frequency or complaints, not on pleasure or turn-ons (03:31-04:13).
  • She stresses that talking openly about desires is critical, but often neglected because people wrongly expect mind-reading.

5. Desire Discrepancy (Mismatched Libido)

• “In every relationship, there’s a high desire partner and a low desire partner. The low desire partner actually controls the sexual relationship…” (04:45)
• Morse introduces the concept of “Sexual Intelligence” (Sex IQ), noting:
  • There are two types of desire: Spontaneous (immediate) and Responsive (requires context/stimulation).
  • Many mismatches can be resolved by understanding individual turn-ons and context (05:45).

6. Gender Myths: Who Wants Sex More?

• One of the biggest surviving myths is that men want sex more than women; in reality, it’s just as common for women to have higher libidos (06:33).

  “That’s one of the biggest myths…Men and women are the same. I meet just as many women who are with men who don’t want to have sex as often.” (06:46)

7. Defining Sex and Female Orgasm

• Morse challenges the common definition of sex as “penetration.”

  “For the majority of women, only 20% are going to have an orgasm from anything to do with a penis, including penetration…Foreplay isn’t just like a light suggestion. It’s actually a requirement for a lot of women.” (08:12–08:36)

  • Emphasizes non-penetrative pleasure, use of hands, mouth, toys, and—crucially—the brain as the largest sex organ (09:10).

8. Shame, Anxiety, and Performance Pressure

• Both genders experience shame—men about size and performance, women about pleasing partners or orgasm “failures.”

  “I’ve talked to millions of people…This is not about lasting longer. It’s not about the size…Those are not the factors in which we should measure success.” (12:01)

9. Practical Solutions for Common Sexual Problems

• Premature ejaculation: Train with "stop and go" methods; consider tools like delay sprays (“Promescent”). (13:12–14:04)

  “You could absolutely train your body…There’s so much you can do…” (13:12)

• Warns that porn misrepresents sexual endurance and pleasure realities; real sex is not like what’s depicted onscreen (15:45):

  “Learning to have sex by watching is like learning to drive by watching Fast and the Furious…Learning about sex through porn is a disaster.” (15:45)

10. The Art of Talking about Sex: The “Three T’s”

• Timing: Don’t initiate the conversation when “HALT”—Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (17:45).
• Tone: Approachable, compassionate, and curious.
• Turf: Have important discussions outside the bedroom (18:32).

  “Leave that for sleeping and…sex…do it again when you’re on a walk, a road trip…just start.” (18:32)

11. Case in Point: Using the Conversation to Deepen Intimacy

• Dr. Morse provides actionable conversation starters:
  • “What would make our sex incredible?”
  • “What’s your biggest turn-on?”
  • “What were the three most memorable times we had sex?” (19:14–20:05)
• Example: Dissecting why sex in a cabin was memorable to reveal context, mindset, and environmental factors (19:25–20:05).

12. Timing and Conditions for Sex

• There’s no universal “best” time for sex; women may prefer afternoons (study cited), while men often prefer mornings (22:23–22:52).

  “Women’s prime time for sex is like two o’clock in the afternoon…a lot of us are working from home now. That’s totally doable.” (22:52)

13. The “30 Days of Sex” Challenge

• Morse recommends making sex intentional and creative rather than repeatedly checking a box (24:01).
  • Suggests using the “Yes, No, Maybe” list: partners independently note interests/preferences, then compare. (24:19)

  “So in these 30 days of having sex, you can choose things on this list to make it more worthwhile and more intentional…” (24:19)

14. Masturbation, Porn, and Relationship Boundaries

• Masturbation isn’t inherently cheating, but every couple should define boundaries and communicate expectations (26:54–27:27).
• Dr. Morse shares a personal anecdote about feeling threatened by her then-boyfriend’s porn use, ultimately separating sex, masturbation, and intimacy as distinct, healthy experiences (27:29–29:14).
• Healthy use: “The goal is to have that spiritual connection with a partner…When we reduce sex just to an act…that’s when I think sex really becomes a problem.” (31:14–32:05)

15. Sex and Wellness

• Dr. Morse emphasizes that sexual health is inseparable from overall wellness.

  “Sex is wellness. Sexual health is wellness…If we’re not feeling sexually well, it’s going to impact our overall health for sure, and vice versa.” (32:08–32:54)

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Memorable Quotes

• On the “Pleasure Thieves”

  “Stress, trauma, and shame are the three things that are getting in the way of us having the sex lives that we want and the pleasure that we want.” — Dr. Morse (00:00, 09:10, 10:53)

• Communication as Lubrication

  “I always say communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the better sex we’re gonna have.” — Dr. Morse (03:31)

• Myth Busting

  “Men and women are…the same. I meet just as many women who are with men who don’t want to have sex as often.” — Dr. Morse (06:46)

• On Sex Ed & Misinformation

  “Most of what we’ve learned about sex is simply untrue.” — Dr. Morse (00:58)

• On Porn and Unrealistic Expectations

  “Learning to have sex by watching is like learning to drive by watching Fast and the Furious…Learning about sex through porn is a disaster.” — Dr. Morse (15:45)

• On the Purpose of Sex

  “When we reduce sex just to an act or genitals rubbing against each other or even just orgasm, I think…that’s when sex really becomes a problem…” — Dr. Morse (31:14)

• Sex & Wellness

  “Sex is wellness…Sexual health is wellness. For many years, sex was like the stepchild of the wellness industry.” — Dr. Morse (32:08)

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Notable Timestamps

• 00:00: Introduction—The “Pleasure Thieves”
• 01:44: 50% of couples have disappointing sex after the honeymoon
• 02:17: The biology behind the “relationship dip” in desire
• 03:31: Communication as the key to better sex
• 04:45: Mismatched desire in relationships explained
• 06:33: Busting the “men want sex more” myth
• 08:12: Only 20% of women orgasm from penetration
• 09:10: The brain as the primary sex organ
• 13:12: Practical tips to last longer in bed
• 15:45: The dangers of learning from porn
• 17:45: Best practices for starting “the talk” (the Three T’s)
• 19:14-20:05: Using conversations to uncover turn-ons
• 22:52: Afternoon is “prime time” for women’s sexual desire
• 24:01: The 30-day sex challenge and “Yes, No, Maybe” list
• 26:54–29:14: Is masturbation cheating? Setting relationship boundaries
• 31:14: The true (relational) purpose of sex
• 32:08–32:54: Sexual health as a pillar of overall wellness

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Actionable Takeaways

• Prioritize open, shame-free communication about sex with your partner.
• Recognize and actively address “pleasure thieves”: stress, trauma, and shame.
• Use tools like the “Yes, No, Maybe” list to discover and explore turn-ons.
• Re-examine definitions of “sex” and focus on pleasure, not just performance or penetration.
• Schedule discussions about sex at the right time, with a positive tone, and in neutral locations.
• Remember: Sex is an emotional, physical, and spiritual connector in relationships—a foundational component of overall health and wellness.

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Dr. Emily Morse can be found at:

• Sex With Emily – Podcast and resources
• Social: @sexwithemily

Host: Sean Kelly, Digital Social Hour

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Transcript

[Dr. Emily Morse]

There's something I call the pleasure thieves. Stress, trauma, and shame are the three things that are getting in the way of us having the sex lives that we want and the pleasure that we want. If we're living in a state of anxiety and stress, which a lot of us do, and we had this spike in cortisol, it's a lot harder to be in a state of arousal. You could be the sexiest person on the planet. You could know all the moves, you could have all the toys, you could do all the things. But if you grew up in an environment that told you that sex was wrong, or you just don't feel great in your body, or you're not feeling confident about your experience level or the way your body looks, it doesn't matter how much right things you do. It's going to be hard to live in a.

[Shawn]

Okay, guys. Dr. Emily Morris, AKA sex with Emily, here at a 4M.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Hi.

[Shawn]

Hello. Podcast host of 20 years.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

20 years.

[Shawn]

That's insane.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

It really is.

[Shawn]

Hats off to you for making it that long.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Thank you.

[Shawn]

Because I know a lot of podcasters that make it, like a month or two.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I know it's been a journey for sure, but it's something that, you know, I think you can't get enough sex education. In fact, most of what we've learned about sex is simply untrue. And so there's always people who are constantly learning, relearning about sex. So.

[Shawn]

And you were so early. Now I feel like it's more talked about. It's still a little weird in certain circles, but now it's way more accepted. Right.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Definitely less taboo. So people always ask me, in 20 years, what's changed so much? And so I love that there's podcasts and there's more people talking about it, but what hasn't changed is that people still have a lot of misinformation about sex. And so they are, you know, having. They're just having all these expectations around sex, and they're still having sex that's really disappointing and not enjoyable and making assumptions based on things like. Yeah. And lack of sex education. So I will always have a job.

[Shawn]

Would you say a majority of people are having disappointing sex these days?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yes.

[Shawn]

So more than 50%.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I would say the more than 50% of people, if they're not in the honeymoon stage, the early stage of a relationship.

[Shawn]

Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Which we all can have great sex at that point. Point. That's when we're supposed to have great sex. But after six months to two years, people tend to get into this point where they're like, how come we're not having the kind of sex we had at the beginning when we were so excited and everything was amazing. And then that's when they really. That's when you really have to start doing the work.

[Shawn]

Yeah. What do you think causes that fall off with amazing sex at first and then it gets worse?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, it's actually. It's actually a biological condition that actually serves a purpose. So from when we meet somebody, we have the. We are sipping on the most delicious cocktail of feel good hormones. Right? Dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. And everything's exciting and new. I've never seen this person naked. I've never touched them before. And everything's exciting. Right. And it's. It's. It's the bonding hormones, too. So what happens is we're in this stage where like any kind of great drug, though, what comes up must come down. So that can only last so long. So that's what. Yeah, all that. So that's what happens. And then it falls. And then we look at our partner. We're like, huh, we used to want to have sex every single day, and now we don't. Now we're really getting to know each other. Right. So we move through these different phases. So then, you know, I usually find people at this. At this point where they're like, now what. What do we do? How do we keep the desire alive? How do we continue to have incredible sex that isn't driven by these, you know, hormones?

[Shawn]

And have you seen success when it comes to sexless marriages?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Absolutely.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Really?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Oh, yeah. I mean, this is what I do. If people. That. That is my. Well, my audience is everybody. But absolutely. Couples can reconnect from a sexist relationship or a sec. Sexless marriage. We just can't rely on the same things that got us together. So we have to learn new skills.

[Shawn]

Okay. So you gotta spice it up.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

We have to spice it up. We have to learn to communicate about sex. I always say communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the better sex we're gonna have. But I can tell you this, Shawn, that most couples have not had conversations about sex that actually move the needle in their pleasure. So how the conversations often go is something like this, how come we don't have sex? When are we gonna have more sex? Will you do this thing that maybe I don't, but it's not really about, well, what. What really feels good to you? What's your turn ons? What could we do to be great lovers to each other. So most of what I do is teach people how to get over the shame, get over the taboo, and really communicate with their deepest yearnings and desires in a healthy way.

[Shawn]

Yeah, I guess people should talk about sex more.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, yeah, they really should.

[Shawn]

Because they're having it.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

You should talk. I'm glad you're having me on. Yeah.

[Shawn]

Might as well talk about it if you're having it.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Exactly. Yeah. Because I think relying on a lot of us just think our partner's a mind reader. They're gonna figure it out. They should know we should. They should know me. They should be able to understand me. But again, oftentimes we don't even know ourselves. So how could we expect our partners to know too?

[Shawn]

I've also seen you talk about sex discrepancy, which I feel like is relatable to everyone, Right?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. That's a big one. So sex discrepancy or desire discrepancy? Mismatched desire. I would say that's probably one of the top questions I get asked is about what do we do in our relationship? There's always. In every relationship, there's a high desire partner and a low desire partner in every relationship. Right. And so the low desire partner actually controls the sexual relationship. Cause they're the one deciding if sex gonna happen or is it not gonna happen. And so this is a. This is something that you can work through. I hope that just normalizes it for. For you, for everyone knowing that you're like, okay, but then this is where it comes down to, well, what, what. When do we both want sex? What time of day? What kind of sex do we want? And I find that, yeah, a lot of times we don't actually even know that. And so I developed this paradigm called sexual intelligence or sex iq. And there's five pillars to it. We could have to get into all of them now, but. We could. But. But the point is, it's not just one thing, but the most important thing to understand about it is there's two kinds of desire, right? There's spontaneous desire, and there is responsive. So spontaneous desire is what we have at the beginning. I see you, I'm turned on. I want to have sex. Let's go. But lots of us are responsive desire. We're going to respond to certain things happening, Certain kind of touch a moment, you know, certain touch, certain words, time of day, or, you know, some certain things have to happen, have to line up for me to want to have sex. So if you're in a Relationship where you're having this mismatch desire. We have to figure out what's going to get us to want to have sex. And so that's the work I do with people.

[Shawn]

Would you say it's a majority of the time the man wants to have sex more?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I would say that's one of the biggest myths that I had to uncover when the first thing I learned I assumed so remember I said I started out saying that most of what we learned about sex is not true.

[Shawn]

Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

That's one of the biggest myths is that men want sex more often than women.

[Shawn]

Really?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Really? Yeah. So no, men and women are exact. Are the same. I meet as just as many women who are with men who don't want to have sex as often.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Blowing my mind right now.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, just wait. We just getting started.

[Shawn]

Holy crap. Cuz I always assume men want it more. Cuz this is my take on it. I think men view sex more physically than women. What do you think about that?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Say more.

[Shawn]

I think men view sex is like a physical pleasure, physical experience where women. It's more like a. Like a spiritual thing. I don't know if that even makes sense.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, I mean for some women it is more spiritual, but I think for men too it can be, it can be spiritual. I think the, the challenge is that I think it's easier for men. You know, their, their penis is external. Right. Every. It's easier to know. It's easier to get. Have an orgasm. It's easier to be aroused and turned on. So I think for men it's just a little. It's. It's actually easier the way it works. And so I think for men, they know they're gonna have an orgasm. They know they're gonna get turned on, they know they're gonna desire. So that part of it is might be a little bit. You know, it's. Again, it's, it's easier for men, but it doesn't mean that women don't often. You know. Again, I meet so many women too who, who, who want sex just as often. But um. Yeah, it just, it's just we're, we're. We're a little bit more complicated how women's bodies work. And a lot of women shame themselves or feel bad because they think they should have an orgasm during penetration, for example. So let's just back up for a second. When I say sex to you, what do you, what do you think?

[Shawn]

I think penetration.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Right. Okay. So that's how we define sex. And there's a lot of reasons we define sex that way and it goes back to even religion. So defining sex by procreation so you can have sex to make a baby. So how do you make a baby? Penis goes in vagina. We get the sperm and then we have a baby. But for the majority of women, only 20% are going to have an orgasm from anything to do with a penis, including penetration.

[Shawn]

Wow.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

That's nothing.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Nothing, nothing. And if, and if those women, it's not even every single time. So for many women we require different kinds of external touch and we might, you know, just. Yeah. Foreplay isn't just like a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement for a lot of women. So there's a lot of other ways we're going to have the most pleasure and it's just, sorry, not anything to do with your penis. 20%. Right. So what does that tell you? Right. We have to work on our fingers, mouth toys, like other ways. And our brain is a larger sex organ. So what can we do to get the brain on board for sex?

[Shawn]

You said the brain is a sex organ.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, the largest. I mean the skin is a large sex organ. Yeah. But the brain, getting our brains on board for it. Yeah, I mean it's. Yeah. Well, actually a lot of stuff is happening in our brain, so I mean we could get into that. But if our brain. If I am in a shutdown mode. So there's something I call the pleasure thieves. Stress, trauma and shame are the three things that are getting in the way of us having the sex lives that we want and the pleasure that we want. So if we're living in a state of anxiety and stress, which a lot of us do, and we had this space spike in cortisol, it's a lot harder to be in a state of arousal. And as men again we said we're like, no, I can get an erection and be really stressed. You know that that is true.

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[Dr. Emily Morse]

Quantumupgradeio but for all of us. I don't even like to speak with the gender differences anymore because I found that we're really more similar than we're not. But I have found that again, when we're really stressed and worried about things, it can be harder to live in arousal and then, you know, stress, trauma shift. We have trauma if we've had a traumatic experience. Big T trauma, little T trauma that lives in our body, whether it's, you know, the way we process. Yeah. If we're like in a state of fight or flight or freeze. Again, that can also make pleasure less accessible and just shame. Like, listen, you could do. You could be the sexiest person on the planet. You could know all the moves, you could have all the toys, you could do all the things. But if you grew up in an environment that told you that sex was wrong, or you just don't feel great in your body, or you're not feeling confident about your experience level or the way your body looks, it doesn't matter how much Right things you do, it's going to be hard to live in a. Yeah.

[Shawn]

I think there's shame with, with both genders.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Absolutely.

[Shawn]

I think with guys, it's size, it's performance anxiety.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

It's mental health.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

It's. It is true.

[Shawn]

Lasting long.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Lasting long. Right. All of these things are shame. We don't. They're really shame based. And when I really dig deep with people I work with and on my podcast, Sex with Emily, a lot of what we do is you answer these questions from people. And like I said, half my audience is mentioned before. It's like, it's like there is so much shame that. And again, you just said it. Men are told they have to last longer, they have to be a certain size. I'm telling you, I've talked to millions of people over the years and my podcast has been downloaded a billion times. And I can tell you I've 20 years of. This is not about lasting longer. It's not about the sizes at all. Like, those are not the factors in which we should measure success.

[Shawn]

Amen. So many guys are going to comment on that. Oh, my God.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

You're doing great, guys.

[Shawn]

So you don't get turned off. If a guy only lasts like 30 seconds, like so.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay, here's what I want to say about that. If a guy only lasts 30 seconds, and I think a lot of women are like, we got it, it's happened. But if it's ongoing and it's every single time, it's 30 seconds, well, then we should talk about that. What is that about? There's so much you can do if you, if you finish the party before you want to.

[Shawn]

You could, you could actually train yourself to last longer, right?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Absolutely.

[Shawn]

Stop and go method.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Stop and go method. Stop and start. Stop and start method where you. Yeah. Where you masturbate until the point where you're about to have an orgasm, then you bring yourself back down. You could absolutely train your body. That's just one state. You maybe the first time you had sex, you came too quickly. Now it keeps happening. There's a lot of different reasons why it happens, but there's so much you can do. I mean, we're at this longevity conference. There's like, there's shockwave therapy. There's perescent. There's like delay sprays. There's one that I love called Promescent. I've worked with them for over 10 years. Yeah. Oh, my God. I will send you such a care package shown Kelly. Yeah, It's a delay spray and it's called Promescent. It's called Promescent. And you spray it on about 10 to 15 minutes before you have sex. And men can last up to 60% longer in bed. And it's a slightly like uses lidocaine. It's a slightly numbing, but of course it's not too much that you're going to lose sensation. It's this. There. It's. It's a crazy successful for a lot of.

[Shawn]

So add another 18 seconds to me.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Exactly.

[Host/Announcer]

Let's go.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Exactly.

[Shawn]

Let's go.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Right. Whatever we can do to help you.

[Shawn]

Everything counts, right?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

Yeah. I feel like that's always the biggest shame with guys. Lasting long.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

Because they watch these videos.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

This is the problem.

[Shawn]

Guys are lasting like an hour.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. Because it's. Can we talk about that? Okay, guys, this is like first off, if you last as long as a. And you do everything you see and you're with a woman, she's going to be in pain, she's going to have micro tears. She could get an STI from those micro tears and she's not going to want to have sex with you for days, weeks, months. And so I want to Remind everybody that Learning to watch we talk a.

[Host/Announcer]

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[Dr. Emily Morse]

Learning to have sex by watching is like learning to drive by watching Fast and the Furious. You are not going to be a great lover because of watching. There's no lube, there's no, you know, protection. There's no slowing down, there's no warming the woman up. There's no foreplay. Like it's just. And it's all based on lasting longer because they're trying to get you to watch and you know, whatever. But that's just again, such a disservice to so many people. Not that bad. Has a place. But learning about sex through is a disaster.

[Shawn]

Well, you think the best way to learn that is if you want to have sex.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

So the best way to learn about how to is listen to my podcast, Sex with Emily. I literally been doing it for 20 years. I've helped generations of people have better sexual and let me just tell you why that works or listen to other read books. Go, go. I can get. I'll give you all the resources, but let me tell you why. My podcast works for people and I've got thousands of episodes. And when I first started, what I didn't understand is I would hear from people all the time, couples, men, women, and they'd say, oh my God. My girlfriend and I were driving for 12 hours on a road trip, you know, from, from San Francisco to Oregon and we listened to your podcast the whole time. And I'd be like, wow, that's a long fucking time to Listen to my.

[Shawn]

A lot of sex talk.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

It's a lot. But what I realize is it's not so much that we couldn't get all this information, but they did. It's because the way I talk about sex is I normalize it. I take away the taboo, I answer questions and it's just like I talk about sex like I'm talking about the weather. And they realize that they can too. Because the biggest challenge people have is they literally don't know how to bring up the topic of sex outside the bedroom to their partner. They, they go into. They fear. I can't tell you how people like just tell me the words to say and, and is it okay to do that? Because we've, you know, think of any other topic where we're like have so much fear comes up around it. Can you think of one?

[Shawn]

Sex is up there. Sex and money.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I'd say sex and money.

[Shawn]

Yeah, that's it. That's the big two I feel.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. In relationships it's really the biggest killers of our, of our relationships because we can't talk about these two things that once you do it, you realize, oh, this is the most normal thing in the world. You know, I could, I actually, it gets easier over time. But listen, if you try to talk about your sex life and I can tell you my how to do it, there's like I have skills. How to do it outside the bedroom and what to do. The three T's for any sexual conversation, Timing, tone and turf. Time. You want to pick a time where you are not halt, hungry, angry, lonely or tired. So you're in a good place. You guys all know when that is. The tone is curious and compassionate and chill. You want to say, hey, I am. I am. You know, let's talk about.

[Shawn]

Hey.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I realize that we've never actually talked about our sex life. And I was. Blame me. I blamed sex with Emily. She told me that couples who talk about sex have better sex. So let's talk about it. And you just, it's an ongoing conversation. You're like, let's talk about our turn ons and the turf is outside the bedroom. We do not want to have these conversations in the bedroom. Leave that for sleeping and for sexual. But do it again when you're on a walk, you're on a road trip and you just say, hey, let's talk about what would make our sex incredible. What's your biggest turn on? What are the three most memorable times we've had sex together? How do we, how do you know what was happening in those moments. And just start. And again, my website, sex with emily.com, my Instagram. Everything I do is helping people have these conversations.

[Shawn]

Wow, You've inspired me. Next walk I go on, I got. You got a conversation starter right there.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I'm excited for you.

[Shawn]

Turn ons and where's the best sex we've had?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

Got me thinking.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, Right. What is it?

[Shawn]

I think it was in the cabin. Okay, the cabin probably doesn't even want me talking about this, but the cabin, you know, in the woods.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah, yeah, in the woods. And so I'm going to say, even if it wasn't you, but. But here's what we do. Like, there's some incredible information just in the woods, right? Let's just say you said the cabin in the woods. I would say, okay. Wow. So it was when we were out of the house, we were on vacation. There was no one around. Maybe our cell phones didn't work. Maybe it was a little scary. It was dark, it was romantic. It was ominous. We were, you know, away from this normal fate and we were like. It was. Yeah. So all these things like. So now I know that we want to get away. We want to put our phones down. We want to have maybe a whole day of hiking. And we were feeling really active and connected. I'm just kind of.

[Host/Announcer]

Wow.

[Shawn]

I could see why you're good at this.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. So I help people look at. You know, because if we go back to mismatched desire, when I said to you, like, become an expert in your own desire. So for me, I can tell you I'm not going to have great sex right after work. If I've been working all day and I'm managing a business and I'm doing all. Even if I'm talking about sex on a podcast all day, that is not where I'm going to be like, okay, let's like, have sex right now. I need to have a break between work and date night or whatever it is. I need to take a shower. I like to have a sauna, workout, make sure that I'm just like, I'm feeling, you know, I do breath work. I do something that helps me reset, and then I'll listen to music. As a woman, it might be different than a man, but I like to move my body. I like to wear things that make me feel sexy and turned on and still.

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[Shawn]

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[Dr. Emily Morse]

I have time with my partner to connect because I know that early on, yes, we were ripping each other's clothes off. It was passionate. But we're not in that state anymore, so I have to make. The house has to be clean.

[Shawn]

Yeah, you need.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I don't want dirty sheets. I need to build up.

[Shawn]

No morning sex for you.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

No. Unless it's the weekend.

[Shawn]

Okay.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I gotta work out in the morning. I'm not gonna miss my workout to have sex. Not because I don't.

[Shawn]

So workout over sex for you.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yep. In the morning. Well, here's the other. Let's talk about this. Why are we expected to have sex only in the morning or at night?

[Shawn]

That's a good point.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

First off, at night. Also on a Monday night, at midnight, if I'm already in bed or 11 o', clock, it's not gonna happen. Like I would tell my partner, like, don't even try if I'm in bed and the lights are off. That's why we fake sleep. I don't wanna have to fake sleep and lie in my relationship. But it's Monday night. I had a long day. But maybe like in the afternoon. In fact, there was a study and we haven't done enough studies about women's sexual desire. But we're starting to do more that women's prime time for sex is like two o'clock in the afternoon.

[Shawn]

No way.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. And a lot of us are working from home now. That's totally doable.

[Shawn]

Wow.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Or the weekends.

[Shawn]

Or test that out. I don't think I've ever had afternoon sex.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay. Really?

[Shawn]

Yeah. I need to test that out.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Test it out. We're chill. They've already got yeah.

[Shawn]

That's fun.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

So, again, I don't know about your partner, but sometimes morning sex. But I know morning sex for guys because you wake up and you're already sometimes ready to go.

[Shawn]

I could see the. I. I need a shower first.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay.

[Shawn]

You know what I mean? I like night more, but I could see why people do it in the morning. Because you're waking up.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Because you're like, we're already naked together.

[Shawn]

You're waking up naked, and you're hard, so.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Right, Exactly. You're, like, naked and hard and ready to go. And I know, again, this is why it's so hard to prescribe this to anybody, because there'll be so many people going, oh, my girlfriend loves morning sex. Amazing. But to assume that she also might not or he might not. So you can't. There is no uniform, like, recipe that I can give everyone for sex that, like, do it in the morning, do it at this time, do it in this position. Although I can definitely help people. Everyone has to decide and look at and decode what works for them.

[Shawn]

Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

And then they figure that out with their partner.

[Shawn]

What do you think about this viral sex challenge right now? Going. Going on. TikTok sex every day for 30 days.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

This has been around for a long time, but TikTok is making it a thing, which I love. The thing I love about sex every day for 30 days is that it's intentional. It's. It becomes like a muscle. So now we're having sex all the time. So we're having sex every day. So now we get to create, get creative about our sex life.

[Shawn]

Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

We can think about how. Where we want to have sex, how we want to have sex. Hopefully this. I don't know that people are doing this. They're just trying to check it off the list. But for me, the best way to have sex every day for 30 days is to. So I've got this thing on my. And a free guide on my website. It's called the yes, no, maybe list. And it's probably been downloaded a million times. I've had it for. And it is a guide. And this is everyone doing the sex challenge. To check this out. It has about 100 sex acts on it. And you look at it, and so it'll have everything, like kissing, anal sex, sex toys. You can imagine a hundred things. And it has columns. Is this a yes? Is it a no? Is it a maybe? And then you and your partner each take it separately, and you come together. I love that you're like, I didn't know you wanted to talk dirty, I want to talk dirty. You know, so you learn about each other. So in these 30 days of having sex, you can choose things on this list to make it more worthwhile and more intentional. But what I like about it, like, I like exercising every day for 30 days. I once did yoga every day for 30 days. So if a couples are prioritizing their intimate relationship, I think it's. I think it's a good thing. But if it's forced and of course not consensual, and one person's like, no, then don't do it. But if you're both doing it because you want to reinvigorate your sex life, I'm down.

[Shawn]

I mean, my logical brain's thinking the week of the period, though, like, how do you.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

How do you get around that?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Well, we could define sex differently.

[Shawn]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

We could define sex by other things. Using a toy. Mutual masturbation. Women can have sex on their period. In fact, here's another thing. Some women love sex on their period.

[Shawn]

What?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. Not the first day or the second day, usually. Usually it's like a heavy flow, but by the third day or fourth day, for some women, it's like, not as heavy bleeding. And they might feel their arousal come back. So, okay, they have to be with a partner. That's okay. With. With. With what that means. But, you know, again, if we redefine sex, there's something called mutual masturbation, which is what it sounds like, but why I love it is because first off, you're both lying side by side. You know you're gonna have an orgasm. So it's the sure thing. Number two, you're learning what your partner likes. So if your partner is touching herself in a certain way, you're like, oh, she's using her finger in this way, or she's touching her herself with this particular touch. Or then I can learn that that's how I should touch her. And it's hot. So there's like three reasons to do it. You're both going to get off. You're learning from your partner, and it's sexy.

[Shawn]

Okay. Yeah, Got to try that one out, too. Do you consider masturbation to a form of cheating?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Do I consider masturbation to. No.

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Like when someone's watching porn.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

And again, many people think that their partner watching is. Is a. Is. Is a problem. Is cheating. Yeah, they define that as a discretion in the relationship. And I'm going to bring it back to the individual couples. You guys get to decide what is Cheating and what isn't. But I find that for a lot of people, I want to say young, but. Okay, I can tell you When I was 20, when I was in my 20s, I was dating this guy and I saw his history.

[Shawn]

How'd you see that?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

I found it. Well, at the time it was more like different. Like he had. Yeah, at the time it was more like he had the tapes, like the four DVDs or whatever. Yeah, so. Or maybe he talked to me. I'm trying to remember what it was. It was a long time, a while ago. Okay. But I was so. Okay, so at the time, I'm in my early. I think I was 24 and I was so hurt and upset because here I was thinking I was having the best sex of my life. It wasn't. I didn't know, but it was. I felt so connected to him. It was my first long term relationship and I felt like it was first off, the women in the looked nothing like me. The women had blonde hair, they were tall, they had large breasts. I'm a small, petite brunette and it felt like such. So I know how people feel. But what I didn't understand at the. So I was upset and whatever. And he tried to explain to me, but what I didn't understand at the time is that people are gonna watch porn in a relationship, out of a relationship, during a relationship, that it is a separate personal activity. Couples can watch together. But it is a. It's something, it's a stress reliever. It's a way of connecting with ourselves. And it's really not like I don't think that it's cheating, but this is why it's so important to discuss this in a relationship. It's not going to replace you. It's. Now. I can also understand though if. Let's say you're in a relationship where your partner isn't. You haven't had sex in months. Months, weeks, Your partner's avoiding you, but then you're like, oh, but they're watching all the time. I could see why that would feel like. I don't understand why you're watching not having sex with me. But I think that for a lot of people, and I guess I was going to say men, women watch you, but like you've been doing it since you were like, how old?

[Shawn]

Middle school.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Middle school. And so now you're supposed to. Not.

[Shawn]

Now.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

There are also challenges with. For a lot of guys there is problems where they like can't get turned on unless they're watching all the things. So do you think is cheating?

[Shawn]

I don't, but I don't like if my partner were to watch it.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

You don't?

[Shawn]

No.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay.

[Shawn]

Because I. I don't really watch it, so.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay. Because what would that make you feel? I don't know.

[Shawn]

I just. Yeah, I Like she could do it. I just wouldn't like it, I guess.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Because it would feel like it was. You'd rather have her sexual energy?

[Shawn]

I guess. Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

And you don't want ever?

[Shawn]

Not rarely. Like, super rarely.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Was it like a conscious decision?

[Shawn]

Yeah, I used to watch it a lot growing up.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

How did you stop watching? I think that's, like, really great to talk about because I think.

[Shawn]

I think I really just value, like, sexual energy now.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

So I don't.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Spiritual.

[Shawn]

Yeah, I'm very spiritual.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay.

[Shawn]

I just did not explain that. But.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Right. No, but that's. So how. How do you see your sex life has changed since you stopped watching?

[Shawn]

Just way more selective, you know?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

With who I have sex with.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Right.

[Shawn]

Well, obviously now I'm married, so that's good.

[Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

But no, I love. And then. So was it an adjustment to be able to not watch and be with humans?

[Shawn]

I think, yeah. But also when I used to be a big stoner too, so that caused me to do it too.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah.

[Shawn]

And I think cutting that out at around the same time helped.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Okay. Yeah. That's good. That goes hand in hand. I think this is a great. I mean, here's the thing. I'm not. Like, anything you do, it can become. It can become a problem. Like if people find that they're watching people. Like, how do I know if I have a problem? Well, can you actually get turned on with the human? Are you not able to show up at work because you're watching so much? You know, there's just. You have to look if there's consequences. But yeah, I think that, like, healthy use might be to. Yeah. Masturbate on your own or to get ideas for your arousal. But ultimately, I think the goal is to have that spiritual connection with a partner. Have that sex is energy. Everything is energy. But sexual energy is why, like, so much of what we do is like creation energy, sexual energy. And when we think of. We reduce sex just to an act or genitals rubbing against each other or even just orgasm, I think, which is what most people do. That's when I think sex really becomes a problem because it's really hard to keep, you know, if you can go back to, like, connecting to your partner, looking into each other's eyes, breathing together. Talking about sex, you'd find that you have a lot less problems if you're just like, how many times a week, how many orgasms, how many positions? All those things matter. They're tools, but they're not the actual act of connection and love.

[Shawn]

The. I feel like the healthiest people I know have a lot of sex, honestly.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shawn]

I feel like there's a link there with sexual life and health.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Absolutely. Well, if you're talking about just healthy in general, like, we're at a longevity conference. It's like so much of our. You. I always say sex is wellness. Like, sexual health is wellness. For many years, sex was like the stepchild of the wellness industry. If it was even invited in the door, it was like, oh, no, you're just titillating sex with Emily. I used to go to things all the time, like, oh, will you come on stage and talk about, like, positions? I mean, again, I've been doing this for 20 years, but now it's like, no, it's about blood flow, the foods we're eating. Are we moving our body? Are we on certain foods or supplements that are going to infect our sex drive? Like, there's so many layers to it.

[Shawn]

Yeah.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

And if we're not feeling sexually well, it's going to impact our overall health for sure, and vice versa.

[Shawn]

This was really fun. Really?

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Oh, my God, I love it.

[Shawn]

Yeah. Thanks so much for coming on.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Thanks for having me.

[Shawn]

Yeah. Where could people watch your show and.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Keep up with everywhere? It's Sex with Emily on all platforms. The podcast is Sex with Emily. You can download, listen, follow on every single social media platform. If you want to get any of the guides, just go to sexwithemily.com or DM me.

[Shawn]

I got some walks to go on and some conversations to have, so thank you.

[Dr. Emily Morse]

Of course. Thank you for having me.

[Shawn]

Check her out, guys. Peace.

[Host/Announcer]

I hope you guys are enjoying the show. Please don't forget to like and subscribe. It helps the show a lot with the algorithm.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Thank you.