Lil’ Peep: A new hip-hop and emo fusion; trap beats, tender lyrics, too much Xanax and an overdose that’s still mysterious.

Summary

---

DISGRACELAND: Lil Peep – A Hip-Hop and Emo Fusion, Xanax, and an Overdose Still Mysterious

Host: Jake Brennan (Double Elvis Productions)
Date: March 9, 2021
Episode Theme:
A dark, riveting exploration of Lil Peep’s rise as a genre-defying artist, his struggles with anxiety, addiction, creative ambition, and the chaotic, unresolved circumstances surrounding his tragic overdose at 21.

---

Episode Overview

This DISGRACELAND episode delves into the brief but impactful life of Gustav Elijah Åhr a.k.a. Lil Peep—a trailblazer in blending hip-hop, emo, and SoundCloud-era DIY culture. The narrative weaves together Peep's formative influences, artistic ambition, raw vulnerability, battles with mental health and addiction, and the forces that pushed him toward fame and, ultimately, toward his shocking death. Through gritty storytelling and vivid scenes, Jake Brennan paints Lil Peep as both a generational icon and a tragic figure, echoing the mythos of Kurt Cobain for a new era.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lil Peep’s Death and the Scene in Tucson

• Pandemonium at the Scene (03:05–07:39):
  The episode opens amid the immediate aftermath of Lil Peep’s death on his tour bus in Tucson, Arizona. Fans and crew initially mistake his unconsciousness for a nap, but chaos unfolds as the truth emerges. The club is kept in the dark, social media circulates videos, paramedics arrive, fans are in disbelief, and the parking lot turns into chaos with the realization that Peep has died.
  • "Given how close it was to showtime, some friends grabbed video of him passed out in the back of the tour bus for their Insta stories as a joke. Little did the friends know, Lil Peep wasn’t passed out, he was dead." — Jake Brennan (03:21)

2. Origins & Musical Roots

• Early Life and Alienation (07:50–09:19):
  Lil Peep grew up in Long Beach, NY, didn’t fit in despite good looks and an easygoing nature, and turned to music and drugs as solace for his intense anxiety and depression.
  Influences ranged from pop punk (Blink-182, Green Day), classic emo (Jawbreaker, Mineral), and hip-hop (multiple references to Kanye West).
• The Birth of Emo and DIY Ethos (09:22–12:26):
  Brennan offers a mini-history of emo’s evolution from hardcore, its “revolutionary” turn toward emotional expression, and how this lineage and its do-it-yourself attitude inspired Peep’s own SoundCloud-era self-promotion.

3. Emo Rap & the Internet Age

• SoundCloud As Launchpad (10:56–12:25):
  The spirit of early-2000s emo went digital:
  • Lil Peep leveraged SoundCloud and Instagram for early exposure, forming a community of young, alienated listeners and collaborators.
  • Tattoos symbolized embracing outsider status—first a broken heart at 17.
    • "It was clear as day at the age of 17, it was time for him to get lost to head west. Manifest Destiny." — Jake Brennan (12:18)

4. The Tucson Meth House and New Counterculture

• Scene Setting (17:08–19:28):
  Brennan describes a burned-out, repurposed Tucson meth house as a metaphor for the new “punk”–a cross of emo, trap, and hip-hop, drugs, and a young, transient outsider scene. Peep performs for the crowd, the “dirt floor” as his stage, uniting a hybrid culture shaped by both desperation and creative energy.
  • "Lil Peep had found his people. The blown out husk of a meth house had no stage. He performed in the middle of the crowd and they danced on the dirt floor." — Jake Brennan (19:04)

5. Rise of GothBoiClique & Pressure of Fame

• Formation of GothBoiClique in L.A. (20:35–24:06):
  Peep drifts between collectives, eventually joining GothBoiClique, becoming a centerpiece among fellow SoundCloud rappers in a hectic, creative, and squalid environment. Offers of management and record deals chase him.
• Torn Between Loyalty and Stardom (24:07–25:40):
  As Peep’s star grows, he’s caught between loyalty to GBC and the urge/demand to go solo. Management wants him away from GBC’s self-destructive habits. Tattoos (“crybaby” on his face, "Exit Life" across his back) symbolically affirm both defiance and pain.
  • "The tattoo also said he was a different kind of rapper, emotional and unafraid to let anyone know. ... That tattoo said one very important thing for Lil Peep. It said fuck off." — Jake Brennan (25:11)
• Pressure and Responsibility (30:27–32:00):
  Peep assumes responsibility for his crew—financially, emotionally—"too much for him," especially given his anxiety, depression, and relentless self-medication.
  • "For a 20 year old kid with a fast growing celebrity and bank account... all of it was way too much for him. Especially when coupled with his anxiety disorder and depression." — Jake Brennan (30:49)

6. Destructive Fame and Relentless Touring

• “Never Enough” (39:27–40:38):
  There's a recurring theme: nothing is ever enough. Peep can't satisfy fans, family, crew, or his own ambitions; the cycle of anxiety and exhaustion only gets worse.
  • "In the dream, there was never enough... never enough pills, never enough attention, never enough he could do for his management, never enough love from his dad, never enough letters from his grandpa... never enough he could do for his boys, for goth boy clique... never enough money." — Jake Brennan (39:27)

7. Final Day & Overdose

• Lead-Up and Instagram Foreshadowing (41:04–43:10):
  Peep tries to satisfy fans, joining them to “get high,” reflecting his belief in equality and responsibility toward his tight-knit audience and friends.
  On Instagram the day before his death, Peep posts a telling note:
  • "I just want to be everybody's everything. I want too much from people, but then I don't want anything from them at the same time. Feel me. I don't let people help me, but I need help. But not when I have my pills. But that’s temporary. One day, maybe I won’t die young and I’ll be happy. What is happy? I always have happiness for like 10 seconds and then it’s gone. I’m getting so tired of this." — Lil Peep, Instagram, relayed by Jake Brennan (41:33)
• The Night of the Overdose (43:15–44:37):
  Peep takes Xanax—unbeknownst to him, laced with fatal fentanyl—with two fans in the tour bus. Unable to wake, his last moments are interpreted as a joke, even as those around him post to social media. Lil Peep's presence endures—but he is gone.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Inherent Vulnerability of Music:

  • "I always hated the term emo, as in emo music, because, well, all music is emo, right? Isn't all music emotional? To me, Slayer is just as emotional as Sunny Day Real Estate. It's just a different type of emotion being expressed." — Jake Brennan (08:51)

• On the Transformation of SoundCloud Rap:

  • "Soundcloud Rap had officially made an end run around the traditional record industry, fueling constant underground collaboration and single releases from young emerging artists non stop. And the industry was racing to catch up." — Jake Brennan (21:09)

• On Fame’s Toll:

  • "Peep was so raw, so real, so vulnerable, and gave so much of himself to his art that his fan base developed this strange sense of entitlement where they felt he owed it to them at all times to be Peep, the drugged out, sad hellboy crybaby that he embodied in his music." — Jake Brennan (31:31)

• On Peep’s Tragic Final Moments:

  • "Sometime after Lil Peep had completely lost consciousness, a victim of the extremely powerful fentanyl drug that had laced the Xanax he had taken... his presence, even while prone on the couch, lit up tiny screens all across Instagram. Little did anyone know, Lil Peep was dead. Such Disgrace." — Jake Brennan (44:37)

---

Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Content | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:05 | The discovery of Lil Peep unconscious on the tour bus; chaotic response from fans and crew. | | 07:39 | Early influences, isolation, and the roots of Peep’s artistry. | | 09:22 | Deep-dive into the origins of "emo" and its impact on Lil Peep. | | 12:18 | Peep decides to leave New York; embraces outsider identity. | | 17:08 | Scene at the Tucson meth house; Peep finds his people. | | 19:04 | The hybridization of emo and hip-hop; emergence of a new subculture. | | 20:35 | Entry into LA, GothBoiClique, SoundCloud rap, and its impact. | | 24:07 | Tension with stardom vs. loyalty; symbolic meaning of tattoos. | | 30:27 | Increasing pressure of success, responsibility, and mental health. | | 39:27 | "Never enough" motif and Peep’s internal exhaustion. | | 41:33 | Lil Peep’s vulnerable Instagram post foreshadowing his fate. | | 43:15 | The final moments: fatal Xanax, fans partying obliviously, Peep’s passing. | | 44:37 | Peep’s death recognized—his presence persists only online. |

---

Podcast Tone & Approach

Jake Brennan’s narration is part documentary, part confessional, and part cautionary tale. The script is laced with empathy and irreverence, oscillating between grim humor, music-fan passion, and a punk attitude toward the ugly truths underneath musical myth-making.

"Disgraceland" is not investigative journalism, but rather immersive storytelling, blending biography, speculation, and scene-setting for entertainment and insight. The episode exhibits clear reverence for Lil Peep’s creative vision, complexity, and tragic vulnerability.

---

Summary Takeaway

This episode offers an unflinching, atmospheric look at Lil Peep’s short life and the pressures of mixing creative genius, emotional honesty, addiction, and millennial fame. Listeners are left contemplating the high cost of fame—especially for those who build communities from their own pain—and the unresolved, haunting questions surrounding Peep’s demise. For both new and longtime fans, it’s a raw, unforgettable requiem for an artist who wanted only to be “everybody’s everything.”

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's stock up savings time now through March 31st. Spring in for storewide deals and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible items from Hunts, Nerds, Pillsbury, Lowry's, Breyers, Quaker and Culture Pop. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pick up or delivery restrictions apply. See website for full terms and conditions.

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On Public you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index with AI. It all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year, you can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you backtested against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like ETFs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member FINRA and SIPC Advisory Services by Public Advisors llc. SEC Registered Advisor Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not an investment recommendation or advice. Complete Disclosures available at public.comdisclosures

[Danielle Robay]

we all have different styles.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

I may be into Levi's and you may be into Fendi or Miu Miu.

[Danielle Robay]

But we all should be into poshmark.com right?

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Because we can all find exactly what we want to fit our style.

[Danielle Robay]

Poshmark has millions of new and pre lived pieces.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Vintage, luxury, men's, women's, children's, everything from Carhartt to coach. Download the Poshmark app and sign up with code podcast10 and get $10 off your first purchase.

[Jacob Goldstein]

This is Jacob Goldstein from what's yous Problem? When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up and it gets complicated and confusing. Odoo solves this. It's a single company that sells a suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odoo is all connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on the features you need. Check out [e-mail] that's odoo.com Pro drivers

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

live for race day, but for small

[Jake Brennan]

business owners, every day is race day.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's why going pro with Lenovo Pro matters. One on one advice. IT solutions and customized hardware powered by Intel Core Ultra processors.

[Jake Brennan]

Keep your business on the right track.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Business goes pro with Lenovo Pro.

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

Sign up for [e-mail] Pro.

[Jake Brennan]

Disgraceland is a production of Double Elvis. The stories about Little Pete are insane. He died at the age of 21, the victim of an overdose that's still mysterious. He sometimes suffered from crippling anxiety and depression, but bared his soul on stage and online to millions of fans who felt a deep empathetic connection to him. He self medicated daily with a pharmacy sized array of street procured prescription meds and illicit drugs. He was a once in a generation type voice, poised to become one of the mainstream's biggest success stories, but whose life was senselessly cut short. And of course he made great music. Unlike that music you heard at the top of the show. That wasn't great music. That was a preset loop from my melotron called Kokstra Sasso MK1. I played you that loop cause I can't afford the rights to Rockstar by Post Malone and why would I play you that specific slice of savage nudie suit cheese. Could I afford it because that was the number one song in America on November 15, 2017. And that was the day Lil Pete made his final Instagram post. An eerie post filled with anxiety and depression and foreshadowing his death that would come only a few short hours later on this episode. Crippling anxiety, diy Emo Grime welcome to Much Xanax in Little Peak. I'm Jake Brennan and this is Disgraceland. Given how close it was, showtime. Some friends grabbed video of him passed out in the back of the tour bus for their Insta stories as a joke. Little did the friends know Lil Peep wasn't passed out, he was dead. The news was hard to contain. From Peeps road crew to friends and show openers, various members of Goth boy clique to fans packed inside the Rock nightclub in Tucson, Arizona, impatiently awaiting for their beloved Little Peep to hit the stage. But nobody wanted to admit to themselves or to the fans that it was real Goth boy Click. Group member Horsehead went on stage. Likely he was in shock and performed A couple songs to keep the restless fans entertained. But the energy was getting rowdy, frustrated, and footage of the unconscious Peep on his tour bus was already making the rounds on social media. People began to wander outside to see what was really going on inside the tour bus. Peep's tour manager was on the phone with 911 while members of the road crew laid Peep out on the ground and administered cpr. Nothing. Through the windows, they could see the crowd gathering, holding up phones, desperate to get a glimpse inside. The dispatcher on the 911 call insisted the EMTs were on their way outside. Waves of fans crushed up against the sides of the bus. The bus began to rock and the paramedics arrived. The lights, the sirens on full blast. They added to the growing chaos of the scene by forcing their way through the agitated crowd gathered outside the bus. The arrival of the paramedics and their ambulance made it real. Fans started crying, wailing. People yelled. People talked shit. Fights broke out. Quick flash street brawls that no one bothered to break up. The paramedics reached the door to the bus, climbed up inside. Not too long after, out came little Pete on his back on a gurney, and the crowd lost their shit. Pandemonium. They rocked the bus some more. They trashed the parking lot, raged in the streets. Their boy was dead. Lil Peep's connection with fans, his very real empathy as an artist, combined with his undeniable charisma and talent, proved that it was not just music journalism hyperbole to say that he was on his way to becoming his generation's Kurt Cobain. He truly was. From a young age in Long Beach, New York, Lil Pete, born Gustav Elijah R, Was obsessed with music. He wasn't like most kids. Despite his obvious good looks and easygoing nature, he did not fit in. So he turned inward. He got lost in the music. Pop Punk, Blink 182, Green Day, Good Charlotte, Emo, mineral and jawbreaker. Classics like Oasis, Nirvana, the Beatles, and of course, hip hop. Kanye, Kanye and more Kanye. It all sounded great, especially stoned. Everything sounded better while high. The beats were better, the screams more guttural, and the melodies, even from the most melancholic emo troubadours, were somehow even more sad. I always hated the term emo, as in emo music, because, well, all music is emo, right? Isn't all music emotional? To me, Slayer is just as emotional as Sunny Day Real Estate. It's just clear a different type of emotion being expressed. But regardless, the term emo took root as an easy way for hardcore kids to describe a particular type of hardcore music that sprung from Washington D.C. with Ian Makai's Post Minor Threat, pre Fugazi outfit Embrace and future Fugazi member Guy Picciato's band Rites of Spring. After those bands, a younger crop of hardcore kids traded in their Jordans and Champion sweatshirts for Chuck Taylors and argyle sweaters, augmented their power chords with fifth notes and started singing about girls. As my six year old would say,

[Danielle Robay]

ew,

[Jake Brennan]

singing about girls anytime after. Gee, I don't know, the year 1855 doesn't sound like anything groundbreaking, but trust me. In Cambridge, Massachusetts, upstairs at the Middle east in 1996, in the Middle of what had become somewhat of a closed minded scene, the hardcore scene, singing about love, be it lost, found, whatever, it was damn near revolutionary. I'm exaggerating, but only slightly. Bands like June Texas is the reason Piebald, Promise Ring and Rye Coalition were building off of what Embrace and Rites of Spring had started a decade earlier and laying the groundwork for the coming 2000s emo explosion, with bands like Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy E. World and Panic at the Disco actually conquering mainstream charts. Which was how emo found its way to Lil Peep in suburban New York. As a young alienated son of divorced parents, he was taken by it, and as emo was a close cousin of hardcore, it was imbued with the same DIY spirit. And this spirit was not lost on lil peep in 2014. But instead of Kinko's copied fanzines and mail order distro networks, Lil Peep used the tools available to him and began uploading the tracks he was breaking off in his childhood bedroom to Soundcloud and promoting them on Instagram. An audience quickly developed. The music he created made his new fans feel less alone, just as the act of making the music made Peep feel like less of a small town freak. It was a genuine connection, a strong bond that helped him cope with the world outside his bedroom walls and with his own anxiety. The morning ritual wrenched his nerves. Peep's teenage alienation, his low self esteem, his extreme anxiety about what his fellow students and what his teachers thought of him, was so intense that most mornings before school he'd find himself in his bathroom vomiting violently. The weed helped. It calmed him down, and so did the Xanax. And of course, so did the music. But no amount of self medicating and sad melodies could really curb the anxiety. If Pete was going to truly deal, he needed an outer shell, a strong sense of self armor so he got a face tattoo at the age of 17, a broken heart underneath his left eye. It was official as if it wasn't before to most of his teachers. To most locals in Long Beach, New York, Gus R, who is now going by the hip hop name Lil Peep, was lost to them. And for Lil Peep, with a growing online fan base for his unique meld of hip hop and emo, it was clear as day at the age of 17, it was time for him to get lost to head west. Manifest Destiny.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway is stock up Savings time now through March 31st spring in for storewide deals that earn four times the points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible items from Hunts, Nerds, Pillsbury, Lowry's, Breyers, Quaker and Culture Pop. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pick up or delivery restrictions apply. See website for full terms and conditions.

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On Public you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index with AI. It all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year, you can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you back test it against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like ETFs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member FINRA and SIPC Advisory Services by Public Advisors llc. SEC Registered Advisor Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not an investment recommendation or advice. Complete disclosures available at public.com disclosures let's talk personal style.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Are you a classic jeans and tee minimalist? A Louis Vuitton lover or do you like a little bit of both? Depending on the vibe, whatever your fashion

[Danielle Robay]

mood, you can find what feels like you on Poshmark.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

With millions of new and pre loved pieces, Poshmark is your one stop style destination. From everyday wardrobe staples to vintage gems and luxury labels. Inter Reformation Got it. Carhartt got that too. From designer bags to streetwear, it's all there.

[Danielle Robay]

Men's?

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Yes.

[Danielle Robay]

Women's? Absolutely. Kids? You bet.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

And the best part? You're shopping real closets from real people with real style. It's like braiding your most fashionable friend's

[Danielle Robay]

wardrobe if you had thousands of fashionable friends. Plus, every item over $500 goes through Poshmark's authentication process, so you can shop high end with total confidence. Ready to refresh your closet?

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Download the Poshmark app and sign up

[Danielle Robay]

with code podcast10 and get $10 off your first purchase.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Go ahead, find your next favorite thing.

[LifeLock Advertiser]

It's tax season and by now I know we're all a bit tired of numbers. But here's an important one you need to $16 billion. That's how much money in refunds the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud. Here's another one in Four honest, hard working, taxpaying Americans has been a victim of identity theft. But it's not all grim news. Lifelock monitors millions of data points per second for your personal information and alerts you to threats you could easily miss on your own. If your identity is stolen, LifeLock's US based restoration specialist will fix it, backed by another good number, the million dollar protection package. In fact, restoration is guaranteed or your money back. Don't face identity theft and financial losses alone. There's strength in numbers with Lifelock Identity Theft Protection for tax season and beyond. Visit lifelock.com iheart and save up to 40% your first year. That's 40% [e-mail] iheart terms apply.

[Danielle Robay]

This is Danielle Robay from bookmarked by Reese's Book Club. Nothing compares to the anticipation of something new. A new start, a new year, a new home, or a new car. When it's time to get a new car, where do you start? Car shopping can honestly be a little overwhelming, but it should be fun. Buying your next car should be exciting. And it can be if you remember one thing. Cars.com cars.com has the tools and expert advice to help you figure out what vehicle is right for you. Their advanced search filters allow you to explore 2 million new and used cars so that you can find the perfect car. The site is so easy to use. Looking for an electric vehicle with a third row and leather seats for easy cleanup, Cars.com has you covered. A variety of tools and badges are used to help shoppers understand the price of a vehicle and find the best deal. And every review is written by a real person reflecting a real life experience. So don't take any chances. Do car shopping the easy way. Start your search with cars.com where to next?

[Jake Brennan]

It was a depressed section of Tucson, but in this particular neighborhood residents still had their pride. The rumors about what went on in that house were unsettling. At first it was believed that it was an illegal tattoo parlor, but after time, a darker rumor set in. Kids and transient looking young adults didn't spend the only money they had on body ache. These visitors to the house looked desperate, not to mention haggard beyond compare. And that's the smell. What was up with that smell? It bled out of the house at night and by morning the whole street was covered in that rotting chemical stench. Like someone took the worst parts of a hospital smell and tried dousing it in vinegar. The trash was piling up outside. The windows were blackened mostly with dark curtains. Some were even painted black. It had been months since the house's owners had been seen, but still visitors came and went at all hours. Someone called the cops and the cops were not stupid. They rolled up with the fire department. It was late past midnight, early morning hours. As the first cruiser made its way down the street. A young man in the front yard on his cell phone took note and then sprinted into the house. The cop floored it through the house's front yard window. What little light was visible through the crack in the curtain quickly went out. That first cop on the scene slowly got out of his cruiser. The smell was overpowering. He wondered where the hell the fire department was. He took his binoculars and peered through them across the front yard, trying to steal a glimpse into the house. Blackness. He could neither see nor hear anything. There was only that smell. If fear had a scent, this was it. There, through the crack in the window, he spied a small flash of light. And then. The CDC estimates that there are over 1,000 meth lab related, quote unquote incidents per year. Incidents ranging in intensity from full on explosions like this one to milder events where a crazed meth head gets sloppy and merely lights his face on fire. This explosion was big but not completely destructive. The house was salvaged, structurally at least. It would require extensive renovations for it to be truly inhabitable again. But the squatters didn't care so long as the four walls and ceiling were there and the windows could be boarded up at least. So after a while they moved in. The squatters weren't your typical homeless. They were young kids, teenagers and Young adults, not at all hippies, but living off the grid in their own way. At one time they would have been referred to as cross punks, but in 2016 that moniker wouldn't do. These kids weren't motivated by blast beats and revolutionary politics. For them it was trap beats and sad sing alongs. Not to mention drugs. Not meth per se, but weed, coke, Xanax, perks, ecstasy, most pharmaceuticals you can name. And their sense of fashion was similar to crust punk's, though. Tight, ripped jeans and T shirts, handmade patches safety pinned on everywhere, tattered plaids with suspenders, leathers, denim, all dirty, filthy actually. Tattered, dyed hair, dreads, shaved heads and of course, face tattoos. The mangy pit bull on a rope as an accessory was replaced by the odd piece of ostentatious jewelry procured, God knows how likely via theft or by preying on Mommy and Daddy's generosity and better judgment. A not so subtle nod to their love of hip hop. Lil Peep had found his people. The blown out husk of a meth house had no stage. He performed in the middle of the crowd and they danced on the dirt floor. Piled layers of band stickers on the scorched walls. And when Pete performed his latest track, Beamer Boy, which had just dropped, everybody sang along all around him, drowning up the site's shitty little pa. And these kids, this new generation of punk, emohip style kids, had coalesced through this new hybrid of music they loved. And they were all united among the meth house ruins inspired by him, by his music. The experience in Tucson compelled Lil Peep further west. An LA rapper named Jay Green was at the show. Peep had already met him over the Internet. On an invite to collaborate with him, Peep set out for Los Angeles. The collaboration with Jay Green, called Schema Posse, lasted a few months, but Pete bounced around la, left the group and wound up crashing in a barren loft in downtown LA's Skid Row. The loft was a squalid warehouse space with a rotating crew of squatters crashing on couches and floors. Beds for the regulars stashed in corners. Ten cities reeking of human piss and shit stretched down the strip in both directions, right outside the door. And to the folks back home who remembered him as Gus, Lil Pete may as well have been homeless. But inside the loft, it was a creative hot house, a sardine can of artists collaborating on track after track, performing shows in the warehouse, going all the time and going hard. These were Peep's people too, so much like the kids at The Tucson Show. Even as he was blowing up as a solo act, Peep joined up with a group of like minded rappers and producers, a hive known as Goth Boy Clique. Together they formed a Wu Tang Clan type of collective for the Soundcloud age. Coldheart Doves, Fishnar, Horsehead, JP Dreamthorpe, Thug, Lil Tracy, Mac Ned, Wicked Face Springs Eternal Yawns and Lil Peep. Lil Peep's mixtape Crybaby featuring Goth Boy Clique, or the GBC as it was called, was blowing up. Soundcloud Rap had officially made an end run around the traditional record industry, fueling constant underground collaboration and single releases from young emerging artists non stop. And the industry was racing to catch up. And Peep was getting legit mixed management and label interests. Goth Boy Click was drafting in his wake. But the reek of the human waste from the windows never let up. Everyone in the loft shared a bathroom. The inability to find a moment's peace and quiet to himself and the creative hive built up the pressure. He felt like he was being pulled in two directions at once, into outer space and stardom and crashing hard down to earth. Alone at night on his mattress in the corner listening to bums fight outside, Peep read letters from his grandpa, who he called Pack Ack. Pack Ack had always been his real father figure, not like his birth dad who abandoned him during junior high right when any boy enters his hard years. Pack Ack was a warm soul and a man of letters, and when he wrote to Peep, it brought him strength and comfort. But Peep didn't know what to do now. Pack AK and his mother had always raised Peep to believe deeply in equality and respect for all people. And in his own way, Peep was trying to honor those values with his lifestyle and creative choices, living communally and sticking with Goth boy clique even as his own stardom eclipsed them. But Peep had new managers in his ear telling him he should strike out on his own. He wondered if he'd still be forced to wake up to the smell of human shit if he struck out on his own. Everything was muddled. Everything was happening way too fast, but somehow not fast enough. Torn between loyalty to his underground friends versus reaching his creative and financial potential, people go nocturnal, rip bowl after bowl of weed, pop zannies and sit with a pit of insecurity and anxiety in his gut, he felt guilty at the thought of letting anyone down. Some people swear by the healing power of getting tattooed, and I'm one of them. Despite the discomfort, getting tattooed can be oddly soothing. There's something that happens after you settle into the pain of a gazillion tiny needles piercing into your skin. That pain, that sound, your body's pain killing endorphins barreling through your bloodstream and attack. You feel, in a word, high but in the best possible way, chilled out without the chemical mind or physical sickness. There is of course an emotional aspect to getting tattooed as well. It goes without saying, but is worth mentioning that for centuries tattoos have marked significant moments in their beholders lives, emotional inflection points, deaths to get over, births to celebrate, drunken nights in Tijuana. You get the point. Lil Peep was 20 miles north of Tijuana at the moment in San Diego in a cop's garage. The cop was tattooing Pete illegally again on his face. If the broken heart tattoo he had inked on his mug three years ago didn't do the trick, then this one definitely would. It was huge. It cut across the entire right side of his upper face in cursive. The word crybaby. It said a lot of things. Crybaby being his breakout mixtape. The tattoo said that he was committed to his music. The tattoo also said he was a different kind of rapper, emotional and unafraid to let anyone know. And perhaps most importantly, the massive tattoo across his face said to the straight world. To the parents, the teachers, the cops, present company excluded of course, and perhaps even to the members of gbc. That tattoo said one very important thing for Little Pete. It said fuck off.

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

We'll be right back after this word.

[Jake Brennan]

Word Word Foreign

[Ryan Seacrest]

hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's Stock Up Savings time now through March 31st. Spring in for store wide deals and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible items from Hunts, Nerds, Pillsbury, Lowry's, Breyers, Quaker and Culture Pop. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go, pickup or delivery restrictions apply. See website for full terms and conditions.

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On public you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index. With AI, it all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year, you can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you back test it against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like ETFs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member FINRA and SIPC Advisory Services by Public Advisors llc. SEC Registered Advisor Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not an investment recommendation or advice. Complete Disclosures available at public.comdisclosures

[Danielle Robay]

we all have different styles.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

I may be into Levi's and you may be into Fendi or Miu Miu,

[Danielle Robay]

but we all should be into poshmark.com? right?

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Because we can all find exactly what we want to fit our style.

[Danielle Robay]

Poshmark has millions of new and pre listed pieces.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Vintage, luxury, men's, women's, children's, everything from Carhartt to coach. Download the Poshmark app and sign up with code podcast10 and get $10 off your first purchase.

[Danielle Robay]

This is Danielle Robay from Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club. Nothing compares to the anticipation of something new. A new start, a new year, a new home, or a new car. When it's time to get a new car, where do you start? Car shopping can honestly be a little overwhelming, but it should be fun. Buying your next car should be exciting. And it can be if you remember one thing. Cars.com cars.com has the tools and expert advice to help you figure out what vehicle is right for you. Their advanced search filters allow you to explore 2 million new and used cars so that you can find the perfect car. The site is so easy to use. Looking for an electric vehicle with a third row and leather seats for easy cleanup, Cars.com has you covered. A variety of tools and badges are used to help shoppers understand the price of a vehicle and find the best deal. And every review is written by a real person reflecting a real life experience, so don't take any chances. Do car shopping the easy way. Start your search with cars.com where to next?

[Jacob Goldstein]

This is Jacob Goldstein from what's yous Problem? When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up and it gets complicated and confusing. Odoo solves this. It's a single company that sells a suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odoo is all connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on the features you need. Check out [e-mail] that's o d o o.com.

[Jake Brennan]

The back piece tattoo was an even more explicit declaration than the crybaby piece on his face. If we're not conscious or extremely lucky or blessed, inevitably we all suffer in this world. And if we're fortunate, we find ways to deal Dealing was not Lil Peep's strong. His new back tattoo would be his way of dealing. It would also be his answer to every guidance counselor, coach or doubter whoever asked him what he wanted to do with his life, the pressures of his growing career, what to do, who to do it with, when to do it, where to go, who to take care of, who to care about. For a 20 year old kid with a fast growing celebrity and bank account, who came from a solid working middle class family, who was now in the position to take care of his friends if not his family, all of it was way too much for him. Especially when coupled with his anxiety disorder and depression. Not to mention while he was self medicating, ingesting a steady diet of back alley antidepressants, blow and weed in massive quantities around the clock. But as usual, there was solace in the soothing buzz of the gun exit life in massive old English lettering across the upper third of his back and in big bold black. As if to make no mistake, he was not long for this world. Not with these pressures. Not with this pain. Kurt Cobain wasn't long for this world either. He made his exit in the most dramatic of fashions, a shotgun blast to the face ripped on black tar heroin at the height of his career in the cold confines of his garage, his suicide note a missive on the pain, depression and cruelty of fame suffered at the hands of a tortured artist. A once in a generation tortured artist. He apologized for going through the motions on stage and not feeling passion for music anymore. Lil Peep didn't have much to apologize for, and he didn't really know how to say no either. I'm talking about a lot more than the Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs thing here, though that was definitely a problem too. We'll get to that in a minute. But Peep also had trouble saying no to the needs of his boys in goth boy clique. And he had trouble saying no to the growing number of fans who saw his pain expressed plainly in his songs. And in 180 by 180 pixels of raw imagery on Instagram, Peep was so raw, so real, so vulnerable, and gave so much of himself to his art that his fan base developed this strange sense of entitlement where they felt he owed it to them at all times to be Peep, the drugged out, sad hellboy crybaby that he embodied in his music. When he played live now, they showered him with not only praise, but with drugs, constantly heaving bags of pills, coke, weed, whatever, onto the stage during his sets. Like most rock stars, he was swarmed post show by fans who wanted to touch him, fuck him, get him fucked up, do whatever. Except unlike most rock stars, Peep wasn't surrounded by protectors and handlers. Aside from an outnumbered tour manager and road crew, Peep's entourage consisted mainly of professional partiers. Goth boy Click, who traveled with him, open for him, collaborated with him during his set, and went for it after the show. Not to be outdone, Peep went harder than his boys. It was clear to anyone with a responsible bone in their body that little Peep was living on borrowed time under the current circumstances. And Peep knew it too. Unable to say no to disconnect from his friends, who he felt an obligation to share the growing wealth and fame with, management stepped in and shipped him off to London. Put him up in a nice apartment, connected him with artists like Bexie and I Love Makonnen, to begin working on new poppier tracks like I've Been Waiting and to generally get him the fuck away from goth boy clique before they all accidentally obliterated themselves with Oxy's Roxies and whatever else they were ingesting by the fistful. Once in Europe, Peep committed to becoming the stadium filling star he was born to be. His managers didn't want the Kurt Cobain ending. They wanted the David Bowie ending. The one where the musician is so gifted, so charismatic, and in possession of the kind of talent that can meld numerous seemingly disparate influences into one unique style and then also give voice to a generation of kids at the same time. They wanted that kind of talent and they knew it could go two ways, could crack like Cobain, or thrive becoming a living, breathing icon with a full career of constant cultural relevance, like Bowie. Naturally, management chose the Bowie option behind door number two. From London, Peep was sent on tour. Shows in Russia, Berlin and Paris sold out. Thousands of kids showed up to sing every word of every Peep song back at him full throated, without being primed by any any radio or mainstream press support. From there it was off to Fashion Week in Paris and the men's spring summer show in Milan. And the full pop star makeover was in effect. Gucci Balmain runways with Luke Savage from Arcella, Bourlon in Vlog, Cartier ice around his neck, the paparazzi and the photographers from Vogue, Elle and Harper snapping pics, video crew following him around, journalists hounding him, blow up pieces in GQ&V magazine with renowned Peruvian photographer Mario Testino behind the lens. It was silly. Sure, he knew that as he waited his turn backstage to catwalk the Runway, mugging for the cameras, but damn if it didn't feel good. He knew he was destined for this, this type of stardom, the kind that leaves a permanent mark. The kind that has a way of not washing off. Cobain added Bowie too. And Lil Peep, now with his European pop star metamorphosis near complete, was about to head back to his home country, spread his new wings and prove that he had it too. In the dream, Whether it was a sleeping dream or waking, he could hardly tell anymore. But regardless, there was never enough. Never enough pills, never enough attention, never enough he could do for his management, never enough love from his dad, never enough letters from his grandpa, never enough time with his mom or his brother, never enough for his fans, never enough energy to respond to all of them on his socials. There was never enough he could do for his boys for goth boy Cliff. Never enough he could give them. Never enough money. As always in the dream, there was never enough ink in the tattoo gun. In the dream, the gun always ran dry before completing the massive exit life piece on his back and holy did that thing look ridiculous. A small thing to be anxious about, but a catch all stressor for the various pressures banging down on his chest and spinning him out. As usual, the drugs weren't helping his anxiety. He was taking way more than usual. More coke, more Xanax and more ecstasy. He was back in the States and goth boy Click was back in the mix. He brought along several members as openers and the various others linked up with the tour for varied shows all over the US leg where they would join in. Exposure Enough for Everyone Tour was a blur to that point. His schedule was upside down. He'd wake up every day about 30 minutes before showtime, go straight to the stage, crush for thousands of fans, then party backstage until the venue threw him and his GBC crew out. From there they'd bring the party to the bus. More drink, more drugs, lots of Coke, lots of downers, ketamine. They go hard all night while the bus made its way to the next the next venue. If there was ever a hotel involved, Peep didn't with it. There was comfort and familiarity in the bus. He could get stoned as and pass out sometime after the sun came up. Self contained, there would be no struggle to find his way anywhere. He was already there, wasted, but there. He'd wake up wherever he passed out on the bus the night before, smack some life into his cheeks, blast a rail or take whatever the beginning of his day called for to get him going and follow his tour manager escort to the stage. The lights would go dim, the crowd would roar. He'd feel the natural burst of adrenaline press up from within him, push his anxiety away from the surface, pump his blood and he'd then burst onto the stage delivering 90 minutes of prescriptive gospel to his drugged out, anxious congregation. They were his, he was theirs. And the community communion was real. But today was different. He was well awake upon arrival in Tucson, Arizona on November 15, 2017, and despite his head being a mess and his anxiety starting to peak, he decided to meet up with a couple of fans who had DM'd him. They wanted to get him high. Of course they did. All of his fans did. And Peep wanted to get high himself, show himself to be accommodating, to give his fans the version of himself that they wanted to see, that they'd grown to love, that they felt in some strange way they were owed a piece of online. He was so real. He breathed life into their own anxious existence with his art. So the least they could do would be to set him up, get him high, make him feel good, return the favor. Despite whatever his management felt or what the press or the fashion photographers in Milan believed, Lil Pete believed he was an equal. To his fans at least he felt an obligation to be. The gold studded Bauman jacket fit well and the ice around his neck made him feel like he'd arrived. But more often than not, especially in the company of his boys and goth boy clique, Lil Peep couldn't truck with the aloof pop star image. Raised by a self proclaimed anti capitalist mom and grandfather who was a Harvard historian, had extensively studied labor movements in Latin America and who stepped in for his dad who'd split. Lil Peep had socialist ideals coursing through his blood. He believed in equality over all else, which is why he went to great lengths to spread the love and fruits of his fame around goth boy clique on occasion paying rent for some of his boys, keeping them fed, wasted, blowing them up under his spotlight on stage and taking them on tour. But the grind of it all was too much. Especially on this day. He'd posted on Instagram the day before November 14th how he was feeling. I just want to be everybody's everything. I want too much from people, but then I don't want anything from them at the same time. Feel me. I don't let people help me, but I need help. But not when I have my pills. But that's temporary. One day, maybe I won't die young and I'll be happy. What is happy? I always have happiness for like 10 seconds and then it's gone. I'm getting so tired of this. He and his two new friends, his fans, headed to the bus to get high. They went up the steps into the grimy tour bus littered with ashes and coke, dusted mirrors between the makeshift bunks for goth boy Click, Peep was handed a Xanax and he took it. Soon after he passed out, his new friends kept partying. He gave hear them faintly laughing around, texting their friends and posting on their socials about getting wasted with the one and only Lil Pete. It was out cold, or so they thought. But Pete could still hear them, at least a little bit. The dream was intruding. He could hear the sound of the tattoo gun again, getting louder, drowning them out, filling out the remaining letters on his back. Exit Life. The exit letters had been done for some time. It was the life part that needed to be fully blacked out. The buzz grew louder, the pain more blissful. He was losing them now. Their voices were all but completely faded. So was the pressure too, falling off, fading away. No more stressors. He was losing it all. It was the only way for him to win. The buzz grew louder, steadier, strong. It filled in the remaining bits of life with black and Lil Peep made his final exit. Sometime after Lil Peep had completely lost consciousness, a victim of the extremely powerful fentanyl drug that had laced the Xanax he had taken. Bexie, one of Peep's collaborators from the uk, walked into the back of the bus, saw Peep passed out so close to showtime, and swears he heard him snoring. Instead of checking on him more closely, he instead busted out his camera and made an insta story of his friend in a joking way. Lil Peep's presence, even while prone on the couch, lit up tiny screens all across Instagram. Little did anyone know, Lil Peep was dead. Such Disgrace. I'm Jake Brennan and this is Disgraceland. Disgraceland was created by yours truly and is produced in partnership with Double Elvis. Credits for this episode can be found on the show notes [e-mail] if you're listening as a Disgraceland All Access member, thank you for supporting the show. We really appreciate it. And if not, you can become a member right now by going to Disgracelandpod.com membership members can listen to every episode of Disgraceland Ad Free. Plus you'll get one brand new exclusive episode every month, weekly unscripted bonus episodes, special audio collections, and early access to merchandise and events. Visit disgracelandpod.com membership for details, rate and review the show and follow us on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook Disgracelandpod and on [e-mail] Gracelandpod Rocka Rolla

[Danielle Robay]

He's a bad, bad man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It's Stock Up Savings time now through March 31st. Spring in for storewide deals that earn four times points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible items from Lindor, Chips Ahoy, Gatorade, Host, Ziploc and Zoa. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Stack up those rewards to save even more. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go, pick up or delivery restrictions apply. See website for full terms and conditions.

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

With volley from iShares, you get access to both monthly income and growth potential in one simple etf. It's the best of both worlds. Discover Bali Ishares Large Cap Premium Income Active ETF iShares the market is yours. Visit www.ishares.com to view perspectives for investment objectives, risks, fees, expenses and other information that you should read and consider carefully before investing. Risks include principal loss and the use of derivatives, which could increase risks and volatility. Monthly income is not guaranteed. Prepared by BlackRock Investments, LLC.

[LifeLock Advertiser]

It's tax season, and by now we're all a bit tired of numbers. But here's an important one you need to $16 billion. That's how much money in refunds the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud. But it's not all grim news. LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second and alerts you to threats you could easily miss on your own. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it. Guaranteed. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com iheart Terms apply.

[Danielle Robay]

We all have different styles.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

I may be into Levi's and you may be into Fendi or Miu Miu,

[Danielle Robay]

but we all should be into poshmark.com right?

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Because we can all find exactly what we want to fit our style.

[Danielle Robay]

Poshmark has millions of new and pre

[Poshmark Advertiser]

lived pieces, vintage, luxury, men's, women's, children's,

[Danielle Robay]

everything from Carhartt to coach.

[Poshmark Advertiser]

Download the Poshmark app and Sign up with CODE podcast 10 and get 10 off your first purchase.

[Jake Brennan]

This episode is brought to you by Choiceology, an original podcast from Charles Schwab

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

hosted by Katie Milkman, an award winning behavioral scientist and author of the best

[Jake Brennan]

selling book how to Change. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind our decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, authors, athletes and everyday people about why we

[Public Investing / Podcast Sponsor Announcer]

make the choices we do and how

[Jake Brennan]

to make better ones to help avoid costly mistakes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Listen to [e-mail] podcast or wherever you listen to.