Best of James (Compilation)

Summary

Distractible Podcast "Best of James (Compilation)" – February 27, 2026

Overview

This special "Best of James" episode from the Distractible podcast features a compilation of stories and reflections centered around Wade Barnes’ journey as a new parent, with his son James as the charming, mischievous protagonist. Alongside co-hosts Mark Fischbach and Bob Muyskens, Wade recounts the joys, challenges, and hilarious incidents of fatherhood—from first words and potty training, to near catastrophes at the playground and the ever-present humor of toddler logic. The episode is an honest, heartwarming, and comedic look at growing up (for both child and parent), as well as the evolving nature of friendship and adulthood.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Arrival and Growth of James

• James Gets a Name: Early on, the trio celebrates that Wade’s baby now has a legal name. (01:39)
  • “I don’t have to call him baby anymore. He has a name now, legally. James.” —Wade (01:42)
• Early Parenting Realities: The group jokes about babies paying taxes and performing adult tasks, highlighting the absurdity and surreal joy of new parenthood. (01:49–03:00)
  • “I thought they change your diapers when they get, like, old enough to get out of their own and they pay your taxes for you.” —Bob (02:10)
• Parenting Mistakes: Wade describes a mishap at a fall festival where a photo op turns into chaos when James attempts to descend a too-steep hill. (03:29–04:42)

2. Adventures and Mishaps

• Playground Perils: Wade shares a harrowing story about James nearly jumping into an unsafe tire hole at a playground. (05:00–08:00)
  • “Why did they put a jump hole in this playset? God.” —Wade (06:45)
• Small Acts of Chaos: James almost steals a stranger’s phone on the playground and turns the incident into childlike slapstick. (07:30–08:14)

3. Toddler Logic and Comedy

• Emerging Sense of Humor: Wade observes James experimenting with joke structure and timing, especially favoring repetition and puns—often with “fart” as a punchline. (08:23–11:16)
  • “He’s really actually working on his timing, and he’s, like, experimenting with how he’s doing pun. It’s very funny to watch him, like, figure it out in real time.” —Wade (10:51)
• Potty and Pavlov: Stories about James’ gradual potty training, including Pavlovian timer methods and sideways humor about toddler bathroom habits. (12:21–14:55)
  • “It might be online, people are like, it works. But I trained my kid in one week...” —Wade (13:50)
  • “It’s like Pavlov’s dog in this. When he goes to school one day, like, the bell goes off for next period. He’s like, oh, no, the timer.” —Bob (13:43)

4. Growing Independence and Milestones

• Rapid Development: Discussions of how quickly James goes from crawling to walking, speaking, counting (though only “1, 2, 5”), and acting increasingly independent—and mischievous. (25:20, 33:14, 51:02)
  • “James is counting now. He could count the numbers 1, 2 and 5, but he does them correctly. If you count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, he’ll be all 1, 2, 5.” —Wade (32:57)
• Danger Fearlessness: James shows little fear while exploring the world, often to his parents’ terror.
  • “He has no fear whatsoever...ran into the ocean at full spe[ed]...” —Wade (41:58)
  • “I sort of hoped eventually he’d gain, like, a fear of getting hurt because he’s not afraid of anything...He keeps doing that, but he doesn’t act like he gets hurt.” —Wade (61:36, 62:15)

5. The Joys and Realities of Parenting

• Sleep (or Lack Thereof): A recurring theme is exhaustion from inconsistent baby sleep schedules.
  • “He’s teething right now and he has like three molars coming in all at the same time, which is incredibly painful.” —Wade (43:09)
• Building Memories and Moving: Moving houses highlights the bittersweet process of leaving behind milestones and forming new memories as a family. (19:44–21:59, 39:16)
  • “That was the house we lived in when James was born...most of his life is connected to that place.” —Wade (20:22)
• Milestone Moments: James’ first meetings with Santa, delivering cookies, enrolling in music class, and attending gymnastics. (28:00, 29:04, 43:00, 25:19)
  • “He was a great Santa, the guy who was doing it. I mean, Santa was great.” —Wade (27:18)

6. Signature Toddler Chaos

• Unforgettable Quotes:

  • “No, Dad’s just fat.” —James via Wade, embarrassing his father in public (18:41)
  • “He takes man poops.” —Wade (46:48)
  • “You stealth up behind them and then you equip poop in your left hand, and then you clap your left hand on their back so you smear the poop.” —Wade (47:38)
  • “Last night we were getting ready for bed...he did that sort of, like, shake of rage and then proceeded to scream louder than anything has ever been in human existence.” —Wade (59:31)

• Destructive Mark Era: Joked by the hosts as James enters a phase of self-inflicted chaos, lacking any sense of personal safety. (61:20)

7. The Growing Brain

• Curiosity and Learning: James is eager to learn about animals, vehicles, tools, and more, constantly quizzing his parents and staging elaborate toy accidents. (15:00, 58:09)
  • “He knows probably a few dozen animals in total and all day, every day is why animals? I want animals...” —Wade (58:17)
• DIY Dad: Wade attempts ambitious DIY projects for James, often hilariously outdone by simpler store-bought solutions. (53:50–55:28)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• [01:42] — Wade: “He has a name now, legally. James.”
• [02:10] — Bob: “I thought they change your diapers when they get like old enough... they pay your taxes for you and…I don’t know, work so you can retire.”
• [04:24] — Wade: “He’s on the very top of the hill, and he looks down at me, and he just goes and tries to, like, run down the steepest—He took like two steps and then just piled at the bottom.”
• [06:45] — Wade: “Why did they put a jump hole in this playset? God.”
• [10:51] — Wade: “He’s working on…his timing and he’s, like, experimenting with how he’s doing pun. It’s very funny to watch him, like, figure it out in real time.”
• [12:21] — Wade: “James is almost potty trained. James is wearing big boy underpants, so that’s pretty big. That’s huge.”
• [18:41] — Wade: “No, Dad’s just fat.” (via James)
• [25:19] — Wade: “Baby gymnastics, pretty wild. Very cute though. Turns out one year olds are crazy.”
• [32:57] — Wade: “James is counting now. He could count the numbers 1, 2 and 5, but he does them correctly.”
• [41:58] — Wade: “We walked him out onto the beach, and for half a second, he was kind of like, what the fuck’s wrong with that pool? And then he was like, I’m going in, and ran into the ocean at full spe[ed].”
• [43:09] — Wade: “He’s teething right now and he has like three molars coming in all at the same time, which is incredibly painful.”
• [46:48] — Wade: “James takes man poops. James is my baby.”
• [59:31] — Wade: “He did that sort of, like, shake of rage and then proceeded to scream louder than anything has ever been in human existence.”
• [61:36] — Wade: “I sort of hoped eventually he’d gain, like, a fear of getting hurt…He keeps doing that, but he doesn’t act like he gets hurt.”

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Memorable Segment Timestamps

• 03:30 – 08:00: Playground stories and parenting fails ("jump hole" anecdote)
• 08:23 – 11:16: James’ joke-telling and comedic evolution
• 12:21 – 13:50: Potty training methods (Pavlov, timers, and “Pavlov’s dog” joke)
• 18:41: James’ notable “No, Dad’s just fat” moment
• 25:19 – 26:51: Baby gymnastics and being one of four men at the facility
• 27:18 – 29:10: Meeting Santa and toddler social awkwardness
• 32:57: James’s unique way of counting
• 41:58 – 42:28: James fearlessly assaults the ocean
• 58:09: James enacts animal kingdom drama with his toys

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Tone and Style

The episode is a blend of heartfelt parenting reflection and irreverent, often absurd humor. Wade’s stories are both self-deprecating and proud, while Mark and Bob provide their signature deadpan and teasing commentary, keeping the mood light, honest, and full of genuine warmth.

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Conclusion

“Best of James” is an essential Distractible episode for fans who appreciate the show’s blend of absurd comedy, relatable life experiences, and heartfelt moments. Even for those without kids, Wade’s tales (and Mark and Bob’s reactions) offer a charming window into the chaos and magic of toddlerhood—reminding everyone that, whether parenting or just growing up, nobody really has it all figured out.

Transcript

[Mark]

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[Bob]

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[Mark]

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[Wade]

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[Mark]

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[Wade]

If only everything else in life were that easy. Yup.

[Mark]

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[Bob]

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[Mark]

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[Wade]

Yup.

[Mark]

This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T mobile 5G home Internet.

[Wade]

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[Bob]

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[Mark]

Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed test intelligence data second half 2025. All rights reserved from Mini Me to Paternal pride.

[Wade]

Yes, it's time for Best of James.

[Mark]

You got a baby.

[Wade]

Oh yeah, that's right. Also, there's a baby. Wow.

[Bob]

James.

[Wade]

His name is James. James. I don't have to call him baby anymore. He has a name now, legally. James.

[Mark]

That's a good name, man. What would you think if I said it wasn't a good name?

[Bob]

Oh, does James pay his taxes yet? Do you know tax season's only three months away, little James?

[Wade]

Listen, Daddy takes care of the taxes, okay? James doesn't have to worry about that.

[Bob]

James having a baby to pay your taxes for you and stuff.

[Mark]

I don't know what you've heard about babies, but. No, no, don't even entertain him about this one.

[Wade]

No, straight up, no.

[Bob]

I thought they change your diapers when they get like old enough to get out of their own and they pay your taxes for you and I don't know, work so you can retire.

[Mark]

You had the critical ideas of old enough on their own. But what is that age that you think it is

[Bob]

after they emerge?

[Mark]

You think that's old enough on their own?

[Bob]

After the ember. What's it called? The ember.

[Mark]

The great emergence.

[Wade]

Yeah. That's why it's the emergency room. Yeah, yeah. You got all these pregnant ladies and they're doing their emergencies. Yeah, the emergency room. I get it now. Medical jargon is so lost on me. I saw a turkey. Turkeys that was so big that nobody believed that it was a turkey until they inspected it for themselves. Took James to a fall festival. Like a. Like a farm. Like. Right. You know, just a big Midwest thing. It's like, oh, it's fall. Let's do a corn maze and then go in the pumpkin patch and we'll have, like. Yeah. Activities and stuff. And we went to this place and it was really fun. They had a bunch of cool playsets. The first moment we were there, I did have made a parenting mistake. They had this big thing that was just like a big hill and you could run. It was sort of like a hill where you were supposed to clearly run from one side to the other. And there was, like a path, but then the sides were very steep. You were not supposed to go up or down the sides. You were supposed to go over the path. And James started going up that. And I was like, ah, that'd be a good picture. Because I was like, I'm trying to take pictures. We're doing this fun thing with James. I want pictures of James. And so I was like, he won't be fucking crazy for 30 seconds. I can let him run up down this hill really quick. So I let him go. And I'm like, I'm just gonna go around and take a picture. And I, like, have my phone out, about to take a picture. He's on the very top of the hill, and he looks down at me, and he just goes and tries to, like, run down the steepest fucking. He took like two steps and then just piled at the bottom. And it's busy. This is right by the entra. So there's a bunch of other people doing the hill and people. And just in the middle of all that, James is just fucking eating so much.

[Mark]

Just.

[Wade]

I just. I put my phone away, go and pick him up. And he's like, I'm okay. Let's do this stuff. Like. Cause he doesn't want to, like, go home. It was fine. But it was so. I was like, he can do this right?

[Bob]

Did you get any of it?

[Wade]

Like, a photo collage of. I proved. God, I fucking. I wish I didn't even get all the way to, like. I was, like, trying to get the camera open, and I was like. And then just. Anyway, it's warm out now, and that's really fun for James because it means we get to go back to the playgrounds and stuff. And we did that yesterday, and he had hell of a time before it got cold when we were going to the playgrounds, like the end of last summer. He was walking, but he was small enough that it was kind of like we had to chase him around, basically because at any moment, he might just, like, fall off an edge or do something crazy. And so we would. And he's, like, really independent now, which is awesome. But I forgot one important fact about the playground that we take him to a lot. It's like one of those old school, like, wooden castle style playgrounds. Super fun. There's an area with a really fun slide, and I was letting him climb up on his own and go up there to go on the slide. But right next to the slide, they made this feature where it's like tractor tires stacked up, and the middle of the tractor tires is a hole down all the way to the ground. And you're. It's meant for kids to, like, climb down the tires, like their ladders, and then there's, like, some chains and, like, it's for climbing. But James is not tall enough or coordinated enough to climb on something like that. So I let him go up there, and then he. He got to the slide, and he was like, slide, big tires. And I was like, what do you mean, big tires? Because it's, like, up on the second level. And I'm like, what? Big tire? And he went. And he just, like, leaned over the hole, and I was just like. I forgot that was there. And I ran and dove under the bottom of it and was like, face up under the hole. And I was like, gotta slide. And he just looked at me for a second and was like, oh, yeah. Slide. All right, I won't jump down the suicide hole yet. Let's fucking. Like. It was the. The one. Because when we got to the playground, I was like, all right, let's see how this goes. And he started climbing on his own. And I was like, this is cool. He's so. He's having so much fun. And then he was like, I'm gonna go on the slide, and started climbing up. And I was like, oh, man. Big tire. Like, whoa, Fucking shit. Why did they put. Why did they put a jump hole in this playset? God. Anyway, he's fine. And he went down the slide about 20 times. He would just. But, like, half of the times I continued to let him go up on his own, and, like, half the times he'd get up there and be like, big tires. And I had to be like, we're going on the slide, buddy. Remember the slide? Yeah. But anyway, it was super fun, and only twice did I almost think he was about to break his entire self jumping down a big hole for no reason onto hard ground below. Also, he threw a lady her cell phone. Oh, really funny. This poor mom was chasing her kid around, who was more in the needs. Adult superv. Very directly staged. Still younger than James. And she, like, went down the slide in front of James, like, frantically, like, ah, where'd you go, baby? And her phone fell out of her pocket on the top of the slide. And James is just sitting there with this stranger's phone in his hands, just like mine now. And she's at the bottom of the slide like, give me my phone, baby. Give me my. And he, like, contemplated, and everybody. Eventually he was like, oh, okay. And tossed it down the slide, and it was very nice, but I thought I was about to have to go wrangle my. From stealing a stranger's cell phone at the playground.

[Bob]

I think we're going to be like, oh, you found us a new phone. Thanks, baby. And then, like, leave with it Now,

[Mark]

James, ask for money for this. Oh, yeah.

[Wade]

I'm gonna earn way more points. I have a very funny update. All right. I can't wait. Sad updates aren't worth nothing. Okay. James is refining his comedy, and it's really funny. So James. James likes to tell jokes, and a lot of his jokes are set up punchline something really quick. Usually he'll do, like, a fart or something or, you know, like, whatever. But he has realized he likes getting the laugh, and he's. He has learned, like, this is what got me the laugh, right? So he'll do a joke, and he'll be like, ah. And then I farted. And everyone's like, ha, ha, very funny. Like, ah. And he'll be like, and then I farted. Because he's like, laugh some more, right? He's, like, working on it. But obviously you can't say the same punchline twice in a row. That doesn't work. We're comedians. We know that. So last night at dinner, we sitting there, and James just is, like, eating his food, and he looks over at Manny. And he goes, mom, you're cheese. And Mandy's like, why am I cheese? And he's like, cheese can't talk. I'm like, okay. I look at him, and I'm like, okay, what's dad? And he goes, dad, your crackers. And I'm like, oh. Because crackers goes with cheese. And he's like, crackers can't talk. We're sitting there. I look at him, and I'm like, all right, if mom is cheese and dad is crackers, what is James? And he goes, I'm scared because mom and dad are cheese and crackers, and we lost our shit. Like, it was very funny. I had a good laugh, and he was just, like, soaking it up. Like, that's the funniest thing I've ever said. I mean, he's right. And I said, and we've been trying to teach him about this, right? So we had the laugh. It was good. And I looked back at him, and I was like, okay, James, mom is cheese and dad is crackers. What does that make James? And he was like, oh, can't say the same thing. What do I say? Ooh, I'm afraid. And. And then he went through every word that he could think of that was, like, Sc. Scared to get back to the same punchline. It was so funny. It's probably much funnier because I'm his parent. Like, I get that that's maybe not the most genius comedy thing that's ever been crafted, but he is working on. He's, like, really actually working on his timing, and he's, like, experimenting with how he's doing pun. It's very funny to watch him, like, figure it out in real time.

[Bob]

It's actually super impressive, too. He's thinking of, like, synonyms and wordplay like that. Like, that's crazy.

[Wade]

He did it a bunch. I think he did. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm upset. I'm. What did he say? I'm nervous. I'm something. He did, like, one or two other ones. He knows a lot of words.

[Bob]

That's funny and impressive, and he's just turned three.

[Wade]

Yeah. Just turned three.

[Mark]

Yeah. When do we start rationing names? Was that in the 90s?

[Wade]

Overpopulated.

[Bob]

Please, sir, can I have some middle initial.

[Wade]

I just want to name my daughter Dorothy. We don't even want to have a last name. I can give you Door Dad. Just because there's a story doesn't mean I like my name. Why did you call me Door?

[Mark]

Got to give you Door And a hyphen.

[Wade]

Just talk to your brother, Jam. You guys are a pair. I know. Mandy and I are not going to name our daughter Dorothy. Don't worry, Chad. Also, we don't have a daughter. That's a hypothetical daughter.

[Bob]

Do you have a secret daughter that we've never known about?

[Wade]

No.

[Mark]

Man, that would really prove some favoritism going on. If you keep going on about your son.

[Bob]

All these stories about your son, it's

[Mark]

like, oh, yeah, Also, there's a daughter somewhere.

[Bob]

James is so great. James, James, James. Guys, we can count on the number of times we've heard James. What about door?

[Wade]

Oh, no.

[Mark]

Maybe we'll go back and be like, oh, my God, he's been saying door all along. And we thought he's really into hardware.

[Wade]

Oh, my God. Door wouldn't shut up last night. Like, man, this dude's Doors talk a lot. What the hell?

[Bob]

At 26 minutes, when we play James backwards, it's actually doors the favorite.

[Wade]

Well, that's gonna start some funny rumors. Oh, James is. Well, it's not fair to say this. James is almost potty trained. James is wearing big boy underpants, so that's pretty big. That's huge. And he went a whole day yesterday with no accidents or anything. He's in the potty like a real dude. He pisses everywhere about door. Door sucks. I don't want to talk about that. I think it was kind of an accident, but it ended up happening on Monday of this week. We've been trying to potty train James for a while, and it started with just like, we'll just let him sit. Like, we'll let him sit on the potty. We'll try and catch him. And there are a bunch of strategies that are really intense. Like, one of the strategies is he just doesn't wear pants or a diaper. And whenever he starts peeing or pooping, you just grab him and go and run to the bathroom, which sounds like the most insane shit I've ever heard of. But the strategy that we have gone with is set a timer for, like, it started at 15, it's at 20 minutes. Now, you set a timer, and you slowly lengthen the timer, and every time the timer goes off, James goes to the bathroom so that it's like he hopefully doesn't have an opportunity to go in his diaper. You get in there, and if he sits and if he goes, he goes. If he doesn't go, it's fine. It's like, you make it fun, and you have, like, books and you hang Out. And he gets rewarded for going and being good.

[Bob]

It's like Pavlov's dog in this. When he goes to school one day, like, the bell goes off for next period. He's like, oh, no, the timer.

[Wade]

It might.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Wade]

We're unsure about the Pavlovian things that we're building into our son, but this is one of the methods that, like, it's online. People are like, it works. But I trained my kid in one week, but he's been doing really good. He likes it generally, and he does generally what he's supposed to do, but he does not care if his pee is aimed into the toilet. And so if you're not paying close attention, because, like, I set him on there and I get him situated, so it's good. But he sits there and he wiggles and he does stuff, and he. He might stand up and sit back down. And by the time he actually does go to the bathroom, a lot of times you're just standing there, and all of a sudden it's just like. And it's like, ah. Get that. Aim it down. But he's doing really good, and he's making progress. Got to get potty trained so he could be ready to go to preschool because he's a smart kid and he's gonna need more mental stimulation. He needs. He needs to learn. He's pretty much only happy if he's learning shit, which is awesome, but exhausting. When it's like, okay, it's 45 minutes till bedtime. I'm exhausted. And James is like, tell me about every animal in the Sahara. And I'm like, God, I only know, like, five.

[Mark]

That's how you did so good on the animal part.

[Wade]

Yeah, no, I literally. The Quetzalcoatus. I know Quetzalcoatl. Whatever, that dinosaur. I know so many more animals than I ever did in the rest of my entire life. Because James will just be like, tell me about animals. And I'll be like, what about penguins? And he's like, I know about penguins. Keep new ones. God, I don't know. I gotta go study. I wasn't ready for the pop quiz.

[Mark]

That's delightful.

[Bob]

Just make up animals.

[Wade]

That's dangerous. You remember shit. That's true.

[Mark]

I mean, authors do it all the time. Have you gotten into mythical animals yet?

[Wade]

Not so much. That actually is an interesting thing. He sort of. Developmentally, he's starting to get to the place where he, like. He understands that stories exist in, like, other worlds kind of, but he really doesn't get that all Stories aren't just like things that happen in real life all the time. So the crate. Like, we, Mandy and I both really like Nightmare Before Christmas. Classic movie, Enjoyable movie. Terrifying for him. He loves the music. If you just play the music. Hazel, this is how it is. A terrifying movie. But like, the visuals of the movie and the characters of the movie. Yeah, he is immediately just like, oh, we had a thing where we just. We showed him, like Nanny showed him, like the first minute. And after stuff started happening on screen at the very opening of the movie, he was like, scary. It's scary. And for like a week afterwards, every time he went to bed, we like, do the whole thing. He's all happy, we read books, we put him down. We're like, alright, good night, dude. And he's all, I'm scared of Halloween. It's not real. It's okay. It's a movie. Those guys can't hurt you.

[Mark]

The timing's bad because Halloween's right around the corner, so that's probably. Probably gonna work.

[Wade]

But like, stuff he sees in real life that might be scary to other kids, he's actually pretty chill about, like, he thinks we go to, like, Menards and home stores and stuff and they have those huge witches and thi. And when we're at the store, he's like, ha. Giant witch. And he thinks it's awesome. But in movies and stuff, like, if it's too creepy or like Nightmare Before Christmas, it's very, like, stylized. But if that existed in real life, I wonder how. Hocus Pocus. That would be scary.

[Bob]

I would agree with Pocus, but I was scared of the. Was it Billy? The guy with the sealed mouth?

[Mark]

Oh, yeah, he was scary. Wait, how old is Jameson?

[Wade]

James turns three in December.

[Mark]

Oh, so he hasn't achieved consciousness yet? True consciousness. All right, Bob, what's going on in your life? Who are you in debt to? Mafia?

[Wade]

Oh, lots of people. So we recently visited family in Iowa that we were discussing generally. And this is like a theme that comes up in James Likes Bluey. And there's several episodes in Bluey that deal with, like, pregnancy and stuff. And we were trying to explain to him, like, what a pregnant lady is. Right. We were talking about and it just sort of came up. And so it's like, oh, who's pregnant? Is mom pregnant? Whatever. But we were trying to be like, no, nobody. When a. When a person is pregnant. When a woman is pregnant, it means that they have a baby growing in their belly. And so you might not be able to tell, but, like, if you, like, if we. If you see someone who's pregnant, you need to be careful, right? Like, they have a baby in the belly and be careful with the. It was just a discussion that we had, and it was going on and the way things do with, like, kids just trying to teach him stuff. So we got to. The belly gets big because the baby gets big. And James looks at me and is like, baby in dad's belly. And I was like, ah, no, no, no. Dad's just fat. That's a confusing distinction for you. Sorry, buddy. But it was, like, a funny moment, but it wasn't. Everyone was not in on it. So then after we get back from that trip, were at dinner with Mandy's parents, and James is talking, and they're like, everyone's paying attention to James at dinner at a restaurant, and out of nowhere, he just starts talking about babies, and he's just like, da, da, da, da, da. Pregnant ladies. Da, da, da, da, da. Babies. Na, na na, na, na. Baby in the belly. No, Dad's just fat. And his parents did, like, a spit take. It was the funniest fucking thing because, like, out of nowhere, unprompted, he just, like, remembers the conversation that we had. And now he just does that. He'll just. He'll just walk up and hit me with the like, no, Dad's just fat. And then walk away. And everyone's kind of like, you taught him that. I'm like, I know I taught him that. This is exactly what I was hoping would happen. That's so funny. Anyway, he's going to be a funny kid.

[Bob]

That also brings up the point of, like, whenever you move out of someplace, what makes it difficult is the memories you have there. So one of the hard things about leaving our previous house, we obviously have a lot of good memories there because we were there for, like, five or six years. But the last time we got to hang out with Zombie, who passed away in person, was at the house. And, like, we remember, like, seeing him sitting, like, on our couch, like, on his laptop and stuff like that. And it's like, oh, we're leaving that memory behind. So, like, there's also the people like that have entered and left your lives. If you have memories with them in a place that can make a place feel like home and it's harder to leave it behind or just memories you make over time. The longer you're in a place, the more memories you have, like, the harder it is to leave that, because that feels more like home than a new home can. For a while.

[Wade]

No, it's funny both of you brought up stuff that definitely connects with me. So we, we lived in California only for like four years basically. But. And we lived in two different places there. So we weren't in the place. We just moved out of that long. But that was the house we lived in when James was born. Right. Like that's where we brought him home from the hospital to that house full of the grandparents were all in town. That's the first place he ever ate, you know, food and like there's a very strong. Even though it's. He's only Yesterday he turned 8 months old. He's not even a year old yet. Like most of his life is connected to that place. So like, yeah,

[Bob]

I thought, okay, I'm pretty good. We finally don't have people in our house and I don't know what to do about it. It's like, can I sit in some peace and fucking quiet for a second? I don't know.

[Wade]

I come over if you want bring James.

[Bob]

I mean, yeah, sure. I like James and James really likes Molly, so that's fine.

[Wade]

Yeah, he loves Molly and whoever. Molly's husband is pretty much the other dude.

[Bob]

Listen, he's going to be a. He's going to be a problem. He is a ladies man and he can, I wouldn't say could barely walk because he's like running now.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's true.

[Bob]

He did full out loops around me. Yeah.

[Wade]

Now he's got blue eyes, blonde hair, he's a big flirt. He's always flirting with girls that are older than him at the playground. His instinct, if he sees any, it's any kids. But he gravitates towards the girls, but especially if they're like five to 10 years older than him. He immediately just walks up and it's like, hi, I'm James. You want to hold hands?

[Bob]

He's going to be like 8 years old, trying to go to Prague.

[Wade]

Well, I think he had the day of his life. One time we were at a park. It was mostly a little kids park, but there was a group of high school girls that were just hanging out off to the side, just sitting, talking in a circle and he was doing swings and whatever and he saw them and ran right over and sat down in the circle and didn't even introduce himself, just sat down and they were all kind of like. And just kept going and like included him because he was just a cute little kid. And he just sat there and was like, it's working. My dreams are coming true.

[Bob]

And that's Pretty much it for me.

[Wade]

Well, I have James small talk. Do you guys want to hear about more joys of having a child? Always fascinating times in the world of James. He's. He's. He really loves Mark. You. I think in one of the previous episodes you talked about the movie K Pop Demon Hunters in the weekend immediately following when we recorded that, I happened to watch it and I agree with your take. It's pretty good movie. It's just enjoyable because we watched the movie, we were playing the music and we just like played it for James. He fucking loves the music from that movie. He. He really likes golden and he really likes the soda pop. He's like dancing more than he's ever danced before. Any time it comes on, he starts dancing and there's like the drop in. I forget which one, but the one where it's like, we're going up, that's in Golden. He, like, when the drop is coming, he stopped and he goes, ready, ready? We're going. It's really funny. And that's very cute and very fun. And so to balance it out, this is the other thing that he's doing a lot lately. We were in the car and he was just screaming and not like angry or sad or anything. He was happy. And he was just going, ba, ba, ba. And like, it was a lot. And eventually I reached a point where I was like, man, how do I stop that from happening for a minute? And I just sort of was like, hey, buddy, what are you doing? What? Hey, James. And I get his attention. And I finally got his attention and he looked at me and I was like, yeah, ok, what are you doing and why? And he just goes, I'm buying, because baa, baa. And I was like, you know what? He fucking. He answered me directly. I cannot fault him. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's really committed to it. And so I've had a headache for about a week and a half, but it's still pretty funny. But that one is way more unpleasant because he really does just scream a lot right now. It's fucking. But he's having a great time, so, like, it's hard to complain. It's the Quetzalco. Quetzalcoatlus northropi. It's a dinosaur bird. You know what Quetzalcoatlus is?

[Mark]

Wait, how did you know what that was?

[Wade]

Because I know what the fuck a Quetzalcoatlus is because it's a kind of dinosaur thing and James likes dinosaurs.

[Bob]

I didn't know we had dinosaurs. On this list. I'm not gonna lie.

[Mark]

I didn't either.

[Wade]

As per usual, we're gonna start today with smallpox. I want to go first. This morning, James son, one year old, had gymnastics. And I just want to say, baby gymnastics, pretty wild. Very cute though. Turns out one year olds are crazy.

[Mark]

Like climbing on the walls, doing somersaults, balance beam backflips.

[Wade]

There were balance beams. There's. I like, they have the whole rage. There's a balance beam that just sits on the floor. Then there's one that's like six inches tall. And then there's one that's like four feet tall that like looks super dangerous. It's fine. And there's like rings and they do somersaults. And James ran face first into another child today. They clashed foreheads. They're fine. He was upset for a second, but then there were bubbles though. He's fine. But anyway, I was one of four men in the entire building and it was an interesting experience. One of the men worked at the place. One of the men was a dad who left because they were in the class before us. And then I think there were was one other guy there.

[Mark]

Wait, how big is this facility? Because four men in a place seems like a reasonable number of people.

[Wade]

In the class before James's class, there's because they're separated into like age groups. There were probably 20ish kids. And each kid has, each kid has an adult with them. Right. So it's a kid and a parent. So there were like 40 people, 20 kids, 20 adults, all women, except for one. One dude in that class. And yeah. So in, in James's class there was maybe more like 15.

[Bob]

What is the purpose of gymnastics at 1 years old?

[Wade]

I mean, it's not competitive, right? The point is you're teaching them how to a place where they can work on balance and motor skills. They, they learn things like how to do. How to do somersaults, but you help them do somersaults. And so he's learning how to like control. He has to tuck his head, he has to stick his arms out. It's like, it's like helping develop motor skills in a more fun way. They just run around and run around and climb on stuff.

[Mark]

How is your day or recent week or recent life as a.

[Wade]

You guys really funny today. James met Santa today. He did this last year. He did not remember and he was, he was kind of scared of Santa last year, which is pretty common for little kids. He was 2 years old this year and we took him to meet Santa. And we were, like, standing outside of Santa's area, and it's like a hole. There's Christmas trees all around, and it's decorated. We're standing outside, and he's all, Santa. Ho, ho, ho. Christmas tree, Christmas tree. He would not shut up. Like, he's very. He's in a stage right now where he's super chatty. It's adorable. And then it was like, our turn, and we go through the line. We walk in, and, like, he stands at the entry, and we're like, it's Santa. James. Go meet Santa. And he does that kid thing where he's like. Like, two inches at a time, wouldn't say a damn word. Walked up to the guy. This. It was. He was a great Santa. The guy who was doing it. I mean, Santa was great. And he's, like, chatting him and asking him questions. He had his zebra with him because he wouldn't put the zebra down today. He's like, oh, you have a zebra. I love zebras. Maybe you could help me take care of my reindeer. Oh. And James was just like. And then it was time for the picture, and we were like, go hug Santa. And he, like, did that thing where he didn't move his body, but he leaned in slightly closer to imply that he was like, hug. It was really cute. The pictures turned out pretty cute, but he was just. It's. He's. You've met. You both have met him. He's not particularly shy in general, but when he meets, like, people in costumes or strangers, he doesn't know who are, you know? But he knows from TV or whatever. It's a weird reaction. I can't tell if it's abject horror or he's just like, it's the celebrity I love from television. He's here. Oh. But it was very cute. We have pictures, so we're sending everybody pictures.

[Bob]

Like A Christmas Story. Whenever Santa, like, kicks the kid down the slide.

[Wade]

Shoot your eye out, kid.

[Mark]

Has he seen that movie yet?

[Wade]

No. He has no reason to fear Santa from the media. We've showed him. We did accidentally show him some of the Santa Claus. So maybe he thinks Santa is Tim Allen and he doesn't like him.

[Mark]

It's an entirely reasonable response.

[Wade]

You walk into the North Pole and, like, I mean, whoa, wait. Oh. And then he brought you cookies, Wade.

[Bob]

He did.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Bob]

I was gonna say James delivered cookies to me today. He was really sweet. He was, like, greeting me. He and Ren came by, and I forget what all words he said, but he said, hello. And he said, bye. Bye. He handed me the cookies and I was like, thank you. And she's like, say you're welcome. He's like, welcome. And I was like, oh, thanks. And then he put his hands out like, all right, I'll give him back. I was like, oh, it's awkward because I'm not gonna. They're also very good cookies. But no, it was sweet seeing him.

[Wade]

I've been building stuff. I built a. I built a wardrobe, a hardwood wardrobe. I didn't cut the pieces. It was, it came pretty, but I screwed it together. God damn it. But also I built a thing. It's like a little tool organizer, shelf thing that you're supposed to hang on the wall in the garage. And like you put your drills in it and charging. I included James in it. James, our almost two year old baby. And he loved it because mainly it was just screwing things together, which he could help with pretty easily. And he liked. He would put his hand on the drill and then I would. And he'd be all, ha. Because he thought that was the coolest thing ever.

[Mark]

He put his hand on the drill,

[Wade]

like on the back, like on the safe part. Just like I held the drill and he like put his hand on it and then I pulled the trigger and it vibrated and he thought it was cool. But we got like 90% of the way done and it turns out a shelf is just a baby sized couch. And he like, literally the whole time he had been sitting on parts of it and standing on it. But then we got like 90% done and it's just a little him sized, like wooden bench thing and he just sat in it and was like, oh, you built me a chair. Thanks, dad. So now we have a work pro branded tool, chair holder, baby set up in our living room that I don't know if I'm ever going to get back, but it's very fun. James is coming into a big dad era, which is fun because I feel like he was kind of all about mom for a long time. But now we're doing stuff, we're building things.

[Mark]

Well, the toys they have for kids that are, you know, workshop based. They have that cardboard router table where you push the cardboard through.

[Wade]

Oh, those are cool. We're getting one of those so bad once he's old enough. Those look awesome. Yeah, dude, me too. With the sleep deprived.

[Mark]

Yeah, why you?

[Wade]

James is going through a growth spurt and is having growing pains. And so instead of sleeping, he just cried all night.

[Bob]

I also feel sleep deprived.

[Wade]

What important thing are you doing?

[Bob]

We have dogs that have decided that their schedule are no longer to sleep at night. Their job is to go to sleep. And nighttime they're like, all right, Paul, we'll take a nap for, like, an

[Wade]

hour, and then it's time to party. Woo. You know what it sounds like is you actually have a couple of outside dogs. Oh, you know, I really. Not that much. I'm still sick. I made James his life. I had to clean the hot tub and it got really hot, and so I was like, I emptied it, but then I didn't clean it. But then I filled it back up and James loves it. So now we don't have a hot tub. We have the world's smallest pool because kids aren't supposed to go in hot tubs. It's not good for them because they're tiny. So we just keep it at, like, 90 degrees or whatever. Some, like, warm pool temperature. It's the fucking. It's the best thing he's ever experienced. Kid loves just going under the water, falling down, scaring his parents, thinking he's going to drown, coming back up, laughing about it. You know, kid stuff.

[Mark]

You made James alive. That is true.

[Wade]

That's true in at least two ways.

[Mark]

You'd think that would be worth two points, but it's not.

[Wade]

James is counting now. He could count the numbers 1, 2 and 5, but he does them correctly. If you count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, he'll be all 1, 2, 5. So he knows.

[Mark]

Wow, he really does.

[Wade]

He's just working on. He's working on getting the other ones in there. In the mouth situation. Can't quite do a three and a four. Those are tough. It's getting closer, though.

[Bob]

Three, I could see being tough. Four seems like it'd be the same as five to me.

[Wade]

Listen, you wouldn't understand how toddlers work. And it's a.

[Mark]

Well, actually, of the three of us, he might understand the most how toddlers actually function and think it's true.

[Wade]

That's true.

[Bob]

Four, five, four. Maybe it's the.

[Wade]

Ooh. Ours are hard, too.

[Bob]

One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. It's a really hard number.

[Wade]

Are we unteaching, Wade? How to say numbers now?

[Mark]

Is this what they call unschooling?

[Bob]

1, 2, 3, 5. I enjoy that.

[Wade]

Give yourself some points. Look, I got a new ring. Wow. James gave it to me for Father's Day. This is my father.

[Bob]

How the hell is he shopping? That's crazy.

[Wade]

He's very sophisticated. He's like. He's like 40 years old mentally, even though he's only 8 months old physically.

[Mark]

That's pretty impressive.

[Wade]

It's made from a whiskey barrel. It's very cool. Whoa.

[Mark]

That's a small barrel.

[Wade]

Edit it so I turn invisible when I do this. Where did I go? Whoa. Now you can see me. Oh, he's back. Man, you can only get this great content on Spotify. Oh, yeah. So sometimes when I'm playing with James, I'll pretend to throw something, and then actually, I didn't throw it, and he hasn't figured out yet that I do that. And so I'll just mess with him and be like, oh, let's throw the ball to you. Whoop. And then he freaks out for a second because he's like, what the fuck? And I'm pretty sure I convinced him I'm some kind of wizard.

[Bob]

I do that with the dog sometimes.

[Wade]

So I'm gonna see how long I can keep that going. Lexi's worked that out. Lexi is no longer fooled by that one. I've done it too many times. But James is still figuring it out. So that's pretty conniving, right?

[Mark]

That's very conniving.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

You know, I just don't need anyone knowing that I poop. I just don't need people knowing that.

[Wade]

I got a book I think you should read, Mark. It's going to really change your life.

[Bob]

Crazy Caterpillar.

[Wade]

It's called Everybody Poops.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Wade]

And James is reading it a lot right now. Check it out.

[Mark]

I've seen that book. That book is fucking disgusting. The grossest book I've ever seen.

[Wade]

Potty training. Potty training in general. Like, I don't know what I thought it was going to be, but it's. It's more concerning than I expected. Like, one method of potty training is your baby doesn't wear pants now. Your baby is just full Winnie the Pooh. And if and when they start peeing or pooping while you're just doing, like, everyday life, like, you're in the living room and they just start going. You just pick them up and run to the bathroom and be like, in the toilet. In the toilet, in the toilet.

[Bob]

That's so terrifying.

[Wade]

It's a technique that I'm not gonna do. And then, like, James is interested in the toilet now. And the other day I was like, oh, dad needs to go to the bathroom. Hang on. And Mandy was like, oh, maybe James wants to see how the bathroom works. And I was like, oh, why would he want to see that? That doesn't sound good. And I thought about it and I was like, no, that's actually what I'm supposed to do, isn't it? I'm supposed to bring my son into the toilet so we can talk about how toilets work. And I can. It's cons I don't like. It's concerning. It's good that he'll be able to use a toilet at the end of it, but all the rest of the in between parts, I never thought all the way through how that works, and I don't care for it.

[Bob]

Make it less concerning. Get one of those things they use to bypass drug test, the Wizinator, and you can use that to demonstrate.

[Mark]

Interesting.

[Wade]

That sounds worth it, probably. So I've been. I got a thing off of Facebook Marketplace, as per how it usually goes. It's either a drug deal in a parking lot or someone leaves it on their porch and you tuck the $20 under the. The mat, right? It was one of those. This was one of those. They were like. It was a. It was a thing for James. It was a little toy thing. He was getting really into Hot Wheels. It was not a valuable thing. And this lady was like, I'll just leave it on the front porch. I'm really busy today. And I was like, that's totally fine. I'll just swing by and get it sometime this morning. I'm also busy. That was the agreement. And I was just going to stick 20 bucks under the mat. And I got to the house, the address that she sent me, and I saw the thing sitting on the front porch. But it was at the house, which was down a very long driveway, which was filled with several children riding their bikes up and down the driveway. So I pulled up, and I was like, I don't really want to carry this. I don't want to walk up the whole drive. I'll see if I can pull. So I sort of, like pulled up toward the driveway and was like, soft, waiting to see if the kids would get out of the way. And they looked at me and we're kind of like. And they went up towards the garage of the house, like they were going to run away. And I pulled very menacingly and slowly up the driveway the whole time that the kids were increasingly concerned, like, wait, he's actually coming. Oh, God, what did mom say about strangers? Wait a second. Hang on. There's something we're supposed to do here. And I literally, like, I got up there, I parked, and I got out of the car with, like, my hands up like an officer. Was. Was Detaining. Me. And I was like, no, it's okay. I'm buying the thing from your mom. Kids. The thing on the porch. Did she tell you? Did she tell. And they were like, oh, yeah. She totally said a guy in a car was gonna be here this morning to pick up the. That's cool. You're cool, D. You're cool. But that was. It was not cool. They were clearly freaked out, and they, like, ran away inside. And I just went up to the porch and was, like. Took the thing, ran away all sketchy, like. It was really awkward. I don't know if I've ever done a Facebook marketplace deal that didn't end in some level of awkwardness. Awkwardness. But that one felt bad because it was kids. Didn't see the adult, didn't get close to the kids, Barely said a couple sentences to them. But they were definitely freaked all the way out. And I. I still feel kind of bad about it.

[Bob]

I was hoping they all would come up, just mace you or something.

[Wade]

But James loves that toy. That's his new favorite toy, so worth it. You do what you got to do.

[Mark]

Yeah, that makes sense. All right. Yeah. Scares children. But, hey, if it's for your own child, scare all the children in the world.

[Wade]

Yeah, I scare all the other children. Moving. God, I fucking hate moving. You're moving? Yeah. I don't know if you could see. Remember how all these shelves used to have shit all over them? This I can only hope, will be the last time I ever move for the rest of my life. Damn. We'll see if that holds up. Because I'm pretty sure I said something like that when we moved to this place, but we are moving. The movers will be here in less than 48 hours. I will say this area, like, my desk is covered in all the same. I haven't packed it all. This is the least packed part of the entire house. All the rest of our house is in, like, boxes and shit. But we have been hardcore pretty much most of the day, every day since Saturday. And today is Tuesday. Moving, packing, carrying heavy shit up and down stairs. I fell on the stairs one time. Totally fine. Survived. But the movers actually show up, and then we'll be moved over. Honestly, as much as I despise moving, this is lame because I always do this and circle it back to being a dad now that I'm a dad. But the most concerning part of all this for me is I'm curious how James is going to hand it right. We've already moved once, but he Was like a baby when we moved. We moved from California back to Ohio to be closer to our parents when he was, like, 10 months old, which was tricky, because 10 months olds are tricky. But this is different now, right? He's. He's old enough now. Where, like, his room is his room. He knows that that's his bed. That's his bookshelf. This is his. We're, like, packing up his belongings, and they're disappearing, and he's kind of like, hey, didn't that bookshelf. Wasn't that full of books? Where'd all my books go? And it's like, he's being really cool so far. But I'm curious. The first night, like, we're gonna sleep in this house tomorrow night, and then the next night we're gonna sleep in the other house, and his bed is gonna be in a new room, and it's gonna smell different, and I just don't know how it's gonna go. He might be totally fine. He's really chilly. He likes traveling. He loves staying in hotels and stuff. We've done that a couple times. But I'm worried that it's gonna be hard on him because he is so young. It's hard to express how he's feeling or understand exactly how moving is weird and moving is difficult. So it sucks. And I hate packing. But the main thing on my mind is James, because I'm really curious and just want to make sure he does okay, because it's a big change for a little kid who doesn't necessarily understand why all his shit is all moved around and not where it's supposed to be anymore. But it'll be over soon, he said, forgetting about the three months of unpacking that always follows a move from house to house.

[Bob]

Are you, like, in a safe house or are you hiding from the government, or is it actually vacation?

[Wade]

It's vacation. This is a big family vacation. It's like, we're near the beach, and James saw the ocean for the first time a couple days ago, and he loves it. He has no fear whatsoever. We were literally like, he might not like it. It's big and scary. And we walked him out onto the beach, and we're like, look, it was the ocean. And for half a second, he was kind of like, what the fuck's wrong with that pool? And then he was like, I'm going in, and ran into the ocean at full spe. And he does not know what fear means.

[Bob]

That's terrifying.

[Wade]

He wants to go swim with the sharks. Meet aquaman and all that stuff. Fun family memories. Terrifying, but fun.

[Bob]

I want Mark to babysit him at the beach. Now, with Mark's love of the ocean and James fear of the ocean, I think those two combined, this is a winning combination.

[Mark]

Don't worry about a thing, Bob. Go to sleep. You can slumber.

[Wade]

James gets into the 3 inch deep edge of the ocean and Mark is like, he's gone. I'll call Bob. You know, everything's good. James is real funny these days. He started music classes this week. He's having a good time with that.

[Bob]

What, what is he doing in music class? Like they give him drumsticks or something or.

[Wade]

Yeah, it's a toddler music class. So it's like triangle hit the triangle shakers. I think he had a banana that he was shaking. Hitting, hitting and scraping and shaking is the gist of it. And like play like they did the big parachute where you, everyone sits in a circle around the parachute. I think that sort of stuff, but fun stuff. I'm sure listeners can tell I sound a little sick because I am. I'm going to talk about the baby. So anyone who hates that, sorry. In the last week we have had possibly the worst night with James and also three of the best nights of sleep with him, like since he was born. So it's been a really weird mix of stuff. He's teething right now and he has like three molars coming in all at the same time, which is incredibly painful. And so there was one night he could not exist without just screaming because it was like ago, like constant agony. Didn't sleep the whole night. It was just him. It was trying to do anything to keep him from just screaming in pain. But then three other nights around that he has slept for like eight straight hours without waking up or anything, which is not. He usually wakes up at least a couple times in it. He slept like he was a rock. And it's been weird because those have been fantastic nights. But also I've been sick, so that didn't help me sleep very much. Much. But then the one night where he literally just didn't sleep was just absolute chaos and ruined the next week of everything because his schedule was all off. He was crazy. We didn't sleep. So anyway, we're in a, we're in a wild time with the baby right now. But he's cute, he's starting to talk. He knows what sound a horse makes. Oh, if you, if you, if you look at him, you go, james, what sound does a horse make? He goes, nay, it's amazing. It's very cute.

[Mark]

Oh, that's cute. Wait, when did he.

[Wade]

When did he say his first words? Well, he's been saying, like, mama and dad f. 9 or 10 months. He started really saying stuff. But in. In before the new year, he was talking and saying some stuff. But, like, he's. His. His speech is about to explode. He's gonna start saying all kinds of stuff.

[Bob]

A win goes in Mark's column of wins, but he doesn't win the episode we spin again.

[Wade]

There's a lot of different things on this wheel. Yeah, there's quite a few. James wins.

[Bob]

James gets a win in his calling.

[Wade]

All right, that's pretty good.

[Bob]

But it takes a village to raise a baby. So each of the three of us loses a win that we sacrifice to give James a win.

[Wade]

I feel like he's basically a part of me. So, like, I get his win probably.

[Bob]

I know you should lose more than one, but I was trying to be fair.

[Wade]

It's like a. It's like a celebrity. He's like my celebrity child. Right. I. I hold his win until he's old enough to use it responsibly.

[Bob]

Yeah, but it's like in the bank gaining interest, so you can't really do anything with it. It.

[Wade]

Yeah, in my bank gaining my interest.

[Bob]

You can feel about it how you will. But it's James win, and we all three lose a win for him to get one.

[Wade]

There's a super moon yesterday and apparently tonight as well. And like, a very, very slight eclipse of it as well. Oh, man. James is saying three word sentences now.

[Bob]

Whoa.

[Wade]

It's kind of one three word sentence, but, like, I'm not trying to undercut his achievements, but he. We were going to bed two nights ago. We were going to bed, and I was laying next to him, trying to settle in, and he just looks at me and he goes, was I see daddy? I was like, what? And apparently no one has. No one has been teaching him this. I think he wants. He does watch Ms. Rachel on YouTube, which is like a very popular kids YouTube thing. I think she does that. But, like, none of us people in his. Real. People in his real life were teaching him that. He just started doing it, and then now he's like, I see doggy, I see moon. He really liked the moon last night because it's big. So, like, out of nowhere. That's pretty fun.

[Mark]

I'm glad he's listening to real people, not like Ms. Rachel.

[Bob]

Points are at stake.

[Wade]

James takes man poops. James is my baby.

[Bob]

He takes man poops, like, steals them or has big poops.

[Wade]

Some of his poops smell like baby poops, which is not. Not one singular smell, but there's like a. It's like a vibe that baby poops

[Bob]

give off, like, puppy breath.

[Wade]

Some of his poops smell like. Like a full grown man took a dump into a baby's diaper. It's horrific.

[Bob]

Have you ever pranked him and taken a poop in his diaper and then tried to frame him for it?

[Wade]

Once, but I got caught.

[Mark]

I want to go on the record and say I've never stolen any poop in my life.

[Wade]

There's no poop stealing. There's poop giving. The sneaky, sneaky giving away of poop Mark.

[Mark]

No, never done that either.

[Bob]

It's like whenever you're stealthing in Skyrim or something and you try to place a poop on someone's person to frame them as the poop pooper.

[Mark]

Well, like when they're sitting on the toilet. When.

[Bob]

When is this occurring?

[Wade]

You stealth up behind them and then you equip poop in your left hand, and then you clap your left hand on their back so you smear the poop.

[Bob]

Like the Jarls giving his big speech about the dragons, and you're like, poopy.

[Mark]

The trick is you put a bucket on their head first and then you can cover them in all the poop you. I don't want to talk about that.

[Wade]

James is talking a lot. He's good. Honestly. He's been sleeping pretty good this week and stuff. So, like, I think the biggest thing is he's getting stronger. Oh, he's getting stronger, but he's not getting better about understanding what violence is. So it's not really his fault. It was. This is not even that recently. Just Wade's suffering reminded me of this, I guess. We took him to an event and he got like a. He got like a toy at this event. Basically, it was a dump truck toy, and he loves dump trucks. We made the mistake of he got that right at the start. Like, we got there, went to the first area. He got that immediately. He did not have any interest in doing any of the rest of this whole event. We were at where you could, like, sit in a helicopter and look at. It was like trucks and things. It was very cool. It was like emergency vehicles, a fire truck. He had his little dump truck toy. And we were like, look, buddy, let's get in line. You can sit in a tractor and you can. And you can sit in this medevac helicopter. And look at all this stuff. I was holding him and I was like, I'm going to take this toy and we're going to go get a picture of you sitting on a tractor. And I took the. I grabbed the toy and I pulled it. And he was kind of like, what? And I was like, no, I'll give it back. I took the thing, I got it away from him. And he full body, full length of his arm, wheeled back and like right on like my cheekbone. Perfectly solid contact. He smacked the shit out of me. And even I was there with Manny and Rin friend Rin. Like, even they. He did that. And they were like, whoa, are you okay? Like, yeah, that was a real man smack. He's very strong and he kicks and smacks way above his weight class. Damn. That's not exactly surgery, but.

[Mark]

Did he laugh afterwards?

[Wade]

Did he like, he was very unhappy. He did that and was like, kill you. I know where you sleep.

[Bob]

He takes like a bottle off the table, breaks it, like, holds it at you.

[Wade]

I can climb stairs now. Yeah, no, I. He's. It's wild. He's talking more though now. He learned in the last couple days he's learned how to fake sneeze. So now out of nowhere, he'll just be all.

[Mark]

It's really cute.

[Bob]

He's like, what, a year and a half now? Is that right?

[Wade]

17. 17 months.

[Bob]

That's basically like a year and a half is not even the bad. Isn't like when they turn 2, doesn't something terrible happen?

[Wade]

He's getting into the terrible twos type stuff. It's. It's more like terrible toddlers because they are learning how to regulate their emotions and they're able to do more stuff physically, but they're not aware of what they're doing over. So yeah, he's. This is like he's getting into the terrible, quote, terrible twos behaviors.

[Bob]

Can't wait till he's a terrific teen.

[Wade]

He's going to be just the best. No more problems. Going to be smooth sailing once he gets past to tell you what. Nice.

[Mark]

Excellent.

[Wade]

Anyway, I'm going to finish James's table some someday. It's a six month project really, and I'm only two months in, so.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Wade]

Yeah, I got a lot of time.

[Bob]

He'll be like in college, his third year of college. Like, James, I've been working on this your whole life. It's finally ready. It's like a Fisher Price sized, like table.

[Wade]

I'm gonna have to cut some parts out if I want to get it done by then, but I think I can make it happen.

[Bob]

Cool. Chainsaws and bears.

[Wade]

No, I don't have a chainsaw. I gotta keep bringing that up.

[Bob]

Sorry.

[Wade]

I'm trying to think if there's something else that happened to me. But mainly the thing is James. James sleeps by himself this week. I don't know if it's gonna last, but. Oh, my God. We're making progress on the sleep training, and it's a miracle.

[Bob]

He's so big now. He's, like, so human and runs around and stuff. Whenever you guys came over to watch the football game, it was wild.

[Wade]

No, he's a menace. He's. He's smart enough now to really cause problems and really do some dangerous shit. And he loves it. He's getting. He's good, though. His speech is developed. He's doing three word sentences now. He's working on more.

[Bob]

He was sweet. It was really awes having him and Milo over. It's wild seeing, like, the progressions of baby.

[Wade]

Yeah, Milo. Milo compared to James was a crazy, crazy reminder of how far he's come. Because for anyone who doesn't know, Milo is Patrick Static's child and is six months younger than James. I think not that far apart, but also basically two entirely different creatures because the development in that time is crazy.

[Bob]

The first few years, six months, is a long time.

[Wade]

That's true. It's still like, over a quarter of his life, and it's a third of Milo's life, I guess. So That's a lot.

[Bob]

I was like, man, oh, man, I don't know how y' all can keep up, because he's fast, too.

[Wade]

Yeah, he's very fast. You know when he's real fast, when he sees the ocean. I think I talked about this, but, man, is he fast when he decides he's going into the ocean. James is kind of walking now, not. Oh, not on his own, but he has a little thing that he pushes that he holds on to. He can walk around with that.

[Bob]

Is he already that age where he's supposed to be walking around?

[Wade]

Like, he's a little bit ahead of the game on that one, but, yeah, that's kind of. He's in that area.

[Mark]

Area.

[Wade]

You see these nine months around a year is when I think. My understanding is a lot of babies will start to stand up on the. Like, lean on the couch and scoot around or have a little walkie thing and walk around. So, yeah, you see it in there.

[Bob]

That feels like in my brain. One of the most dangerous times for Children is when they first start to walk and they're like stumbling around everywhere.

[Wade]

It's very dangerous. He's already taken a couple pretty good spills. But he'll learn from the pain.

[Bob]

We all do.

[Wade]

But he will. He'll eventually learn from that. We'll get there. James walks down. Now, I think I've mentioned before, I

[Bob]

was like, who is that? It's your baby.

[Wade]

I know.

[Bob]

I've met.

[Wade]

We have a baby. His name is James. You definitely met him a few times. He walks now. He does. He doesn't walk more than four or five steps at a time, but counts as walking, and it's terrifying. He also climbed up the stairs. He did not walk up the stairs, but he climbed up the stairs with a person behind him, making sure he didn't fall and die. But he did it by himself for the first time. Everything's in peril, and all the childproofing we've done is pointless. This is. I don't know if I talked about this on the show previously, but James. Splash tables, I think, is what they're.

[Mark]

I don't know.

[Wade]

It's like a little table. You fill it up with water and he plays in it, right? It's just like, you play with toys in it, whatever. It's really good summer toy because it's like, it's not just running a sprinkler. It's like a set amount of water. So you don't just, you know, blast water every which away. And last summer he got one of those. And I looked at it and I was like, you know what would be really sick? There's like a top and a boat bottom. And if you put. If you pour water in the top, it like rains and it's really fun, but you have to physically, like, take a bucket and pour it. And I was like, what if I buy. What if I get like a. Like an aquarium pump and I'll feed a hose up to the top and I'll set the pump in the bottom and then. And it'll like, cycle the water so it's always right. And I did all this research and I bought one thing off the Internet and it didn't work. And I bought another thing off the Internet and it didn't work for other reasons. And it was all that, like, literally my setup would be like, I have an external battery pack with, like a USB cord running to the pump into water. It's all this just the sketchiest shit. And I was like, I spent a lot of time trying to homebrew this thing never quite worked right. Eventually I just gave up and whatever. On the Internet yesterday, I was presented with an ad for exactly that product made in the simplest, most concise way possible. Table. It's just a thing. You drill one hole you set. And I looked and I was like, this costs less than one of my multiple attempts at doing it myself did. Son of a. But anyway, I bought one. So James is gonna have the dopest water table to play on this summer and I'm pretty excited about it.

[Bob]

That's cool.

[Wade]

Well, also, I'm an idiot and I can't ever. I always am like, I'll just do it. I'll make it myself. I'll home brew it. Nah, I should probably just buy it. Whatever I'm going to make, it's either not going to work or it's going to be so fucking terrible that I just wish I would have bought it.

[Mark]

Wouldn't want to put your child in the way of that.

[Wade]

Like, like it works. But the whole water table is electrified somehow. Even though, like, I don't know, maybe I should just let a company hold on to that liability for me. You know what power makes me think of and a thing that I'm obsessed about right now? Power wheels.

[Mark]

This is the little racing cars.

[Wade]

It's. Yeah, it's like the, the cars that like little kids can sit in. Oh, the Dr. Ones.

[Mark]

I was thinking of Hot Wheels.

[Wade]

Right? Yeah, not Hot Wheels, power Wheels. It's like the little. It's like a little Jeep or something that little kids can sit in and drive around the yard. I was never allowed to have power wheels as a kid and I don't want to spoil James, but man, do I want him to be old enough to have a power wheels. I. I mean this part, the TikTok update, there were people on the subreddit saying they missed TikTok updates. Tik Tok update, Kind of. I'm in this part of TikTok where there's all these dads who are customizing their power wheels for their kids because most power wheels are 6 volt based on 6 volt battery systems. But if you put a 12 volt battery in there, you double the power. You might fry the engine or the electric motor, but it goes twice as fast. Ish. It goes faster and you can do. And there are guys who like add a trailer so their kids can like tow, you know, a little fake motorcycle or tow like yard waste or all the this stuff. There was one where I saw a guy put like a backhoe Type thing on the front so you could, like, rake leaves, but use your power wheels, all kinds of stuff.

[Mark]

I'm giving you a point for child labor. Yeah.

[Wade]

Have I told you guys about James? The fart story with James where he

[Mark]

farted in a movie theater in Oppenheimer and everyone laughed.

[Wade]

I wish he did. He probably would think of that. He's very funny. No. So we have this place we drive frequently where there's rumble strips on the road, which is that thing where you're driving and you drive over it and it goes. We drive over there all the time. And we were driving there with James in the back seat, and we went over the rumble strips, and out of nowhere, and he's never said it before, at least to me, really out of nowhere, he just goes, huh, farts. Because the rumble strip sounds like farts. Anyway, he's hilarious. He's gonna be the funniest kid I know.

[Bob]

Well, not as funny as me, but, like, he'll be second.

[Wade]

You're not a kid, so you're kind of in a different class.

[Bob]

All right.

[Wade]

You're not the funniest adult I know either, but don't be offended. I know a lot of adults.

[Bob]

You could say that. It's just not true.

[Wade]

James is hilarious. Also, he calls the movie Sing Dance Animals, and that's his current favorite movie.

[Bob]

Pretty accurate. Is he, like, getting old enough now where he's branching out of a lot of, like, the baby esque shows, like the Blueys and stuff, or.

[Wade]

He still enjoys bluey. He still enjoys. The thing right now is animals. Everyone is constantly surprised. It's because we're like, oh, he loves animals. He loves animals. And people are like, oh, you like horsies? You like, like, no. He knows what a yak is. He knows what a flamingo is. He can't quite say it, but he knows what a hyena is. He knows probably a few dozen animals in total and all day, every day is why animals? I want animals. And it means a lot of different things because it could mean he wants to watch a video of animals. Could mean he wants to stuff to animals. But he's an interesting place, very smart. He likes to enact animals eating each other. He'll get, like, a bear and a giraffe, and then the bear will be chasing the giraffe. Giraffe trying to bite it. And it will succeed at some point. And he's literally just running around like, oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no. Or he'll stage, like, accidents. He has, like, trains and stuff. He'll put an animal in front of the train on the track, and then just slowly like, oh, no. That's probably good, right?

[Bob]

I mean, I guess it's better than taking the, like, Barbie dolls or, like, army dudes and being like, oh, no, at least they're animals.

[Wade]

They don't have souls. James has learned that he could scream real loud, so that's fun. I've never been made dizzy by a scream before, but that can happen now. Last night we were getting ready for bed, and he was like. It was. He gets two books, and then we go to bed, and it's like we have a whole routine, and we got to the. I think to the end of the second book. Book, and, like, close the book. And Mandy was like, okay, put the book on the shelf and we're gonna do this. And he just was like, no, no more stories. And we're like, no, man, it's bedtime. This is. We do this every night. This is the routine. And he did that sort of, like, shake of rage and then proceeded to scream louder than anything has ever been in human existence. And I actually, like, it made my head vibrate. And when he stopped screaming, I was kind of of like. So I never had that before. But I'm sure that he'll only do that the one time, and that's not going to be all day every day for the next three weeks of my life.

[Mark]

How do you stop that, Wade? Bad advice.

[Bob]

What you do is you give him a megaphone so he can be even louder to the point where he makes himself paralyzed from the noise.

[Mark]

You're right. You're right. There we go. Yep.

[Wade]

Give him headphones and a microphone and make him scream into his own ears.

[Mark]

You know how homeless went up to that one superhero and went doing on the sides of the head and then made him deaf? No. That he'd scream louder. And this is horrible advice.

[Bob]

Put him in a bit of a stupor. Stupor here. I see what you did there.

[Wade]

Yeah. I should definitely do whatever Homelander does. He's a good guy, right?

[Mark]

He's a father.

[Wade]

I haven't watched the show. I haven't watched the show. He's like the Superman character in that universe, right? He's a good guy.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

He is America.

[Mark]

Yeah, he's America.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

And he's a father. Father. He's raising a child.

[Bob]

I think his first act as a father was to throw his son off of, like, a roof or something, wasn't it? Spoilers.

[Wade]

I don't even.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mark]

Kid's Dead now.

[Wade]

James has entered a new era, which I have not named yet, but I'm going to just say that it's very destructive, and it's mainly of his own self. He's entering a mark era, really. Let's call it that.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Mark]

All right.

[Wade]

I sort of hoped eventually he'd gain, like, a fear of getting hurt because he's not afraid of anything. He'll just, like, climb up on the back of the castle and, you know, like, he could fall and break his neck and all. He just does stuff like that. And he has started falling off of things now. He started falling down. He fell off the back steps on the patio because he just wasn't looking and ran off the steps. He keeps doing that, but he doesn't act like he gets hurt. Like, he falls. He fell onto his face. He missed this last step. Fell onto his face, off the back deck onto a concrete patio. And we were like, oh. And he just stood up and was

[Bob]

like, I thought kids cried a lot.

[Wade]

He does cry when he gets. When he, like, hurts himself sometimes, but when he really eats it, nothing. He doesn't get scared. He doesn't. He's just like, oh, that was cool. And then just continues. It's like he's just gonna keep doing crazier and crazier shit. He's not learning to be afraid for his safety at all.

[Bob]

He's like the next evil can evil.

[Wade]

I don't know. It seems bad, but also he's like, he's fine. Like, he's getting scraped up, but otherwise he's fine. I'm going to trust him. He's two and a half now. Pretty trustworthy guy. It feels like a cop out, I guess, but I'm. I'm excited for more. James, I feel like. I mean, he's. We have fun. He's been fun. It's not like he's been unfun up to this point, but it's been tough. We moved from California back to Ohio, and then we just moved again. And, like, he's handled it like a trooper, but it just throws off all your routine, and it makes it really hard to, like, really get in and do all the fun stuff because there's no time for shit. It's like it gets to be evening time, and we're like, okay, buddy, let's do something fun. You want to bring boxes back and forth between houses. You can hold the door open. You want to be a little helper?

[Mark]

Be a little doorstop?

[Wade]

Hey, he likes it. But, like, I'm excited for Another year, like a new year where he's going to be older, he's talking a ton, and we're gonna start doing stuff, I think, together this year that's a little more complicated and fun. And I'm also, I think personally I'm excited to put more tools on things. I got into a good stretch there when I had the Subaru where I was like working on the car and I was doing stuff with my hands and that was really fun. And then I got rid of the Subaru and I lost that completely. I want to get back to, like, I'm excited to work on stuff. And one of the things on this new house that was such a big selling point for me is I have a huge garage garage. And I have like a work. A dedicated, like, workshop area. It's just a little side part in the garage, but I have like a workbench and a toolbox and I can like have projects where I don't have to pull the cars out of the garage to work on them and then clean it back up and pull the cars back into the garage. Every time I'm. It's like I have an area, I can just have a little project. If I have a glue up, it can just sit somewhere and dry in clamps and I don't have to like, I'm excited. And James is getting to the age where he's going to be able to help me do that. Maybe we'll build a birdhouse or, you know, who knows what? But like, that's awesome, that sort of stuff. Hey, baby. Hey, guys. I have a baby. Oh, wow.

[Bob]

Is this his first appearance on the podcast? I think it is.

[Wade]

It might be. How are you doing, Mr. Who's supposed to be taking a nap? Who's not right now? Well, this is interesting. I'm assuming this means he's being a problem.

[Bob]

Dad's not busy. Sit him in there. Lock the door.

[Mark]

How could it possibly be a problem?

[Wade]

No, no. Whoa. Hey. Now we're here and we're still in the same episode.

[Mark]

Watch new episodes on Spotify.

[Wade]

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