Nah, I'd Lose

Summary

---

Distractible Podcast: "Nah, I'd Lose"

Episode Date: October 24, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach (Markiplier), Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
Episode Theme:
The trio dives into ridiculous, imaginative game scenarios where the goal is to lose as spectacularly as possible. Blended with classic Distractible banter, personal stories, and a healthy dose of absurd roleplay, this episode is a showcase of how losing can be as entertaining as winning.

---

Main Themes & Purpose

• Role-Reversal Game: The central structure is a parody of "Nidwin," with the twist: the players must lose (the most believably and entertainingly) rather than win.
• Absurd Storytelling & Improvisation: Each host creates increasingly elaborate ways to throw fictional contests, leading to hilarity and elaborate mental images.
• Classic Distractible Banter: Interspersed with the main game, the hosts share life updates, parenting stories, medical asides, and commentary on each other's quirks.

---

Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Life Updates & Small Talk (03:56–33:45)

Wade's Obsession with Soto

• Wade proclaims he cannot live without Cincinnati’s Soto restaurant, expressing a desire to franchise it just to keep it in his life.
• Mark reviews his own Soto experience, confirming the hype but poking fun at Wade’s fixation.
  • Memorable moment: Mark’s “Michael Douglas” aside and Bob’s gentle ribbing over its randomness.
  • “Michael Douglas probably stand out. My references do not.” —Wade, [07:23]

Bob's "Giant Turkey" Adventure & Parenting Fears (11:16–19:44)

• Bob shares the hilarious peril of taking his son to a Midwest fall festival, with James tumbling down a hill and marveling at a “70-pound turkey.”
  • “That's the biggest turkey I've ever seen.” —Bob, [13:54]
• Discussion of the fear shift that comes with parenthood—less worried for self, more anxious for child's safety.
• Mark and Wade connect and empathize with new physical anxieties as they age/have responsibilities.

Mark's Hydration Realization (21:00–25:07)

• Mark reveals he's likely been "chronically dehydrated" due to his high salt intake and minimal water consumption.
  • “I've never peed so much in my goddamn life. It never stops.” —Mark, [23:25]
• They riff on water/salt balance and the science behind hydration.

Bob's PSA: Get Your Iron Checked! (25:07–29:55)

• Bob recalls the aftermath of his wife Mandy’s difficult childbirth and her lingering health issues, discovering a critical iron deficiency only after much persistence.
  • “She asked me to bring this up just to say to all of the women that are listening...get your fucking iron checked.” —Bob, [27:00]
  • Strong advocacy for listeners, particularly women, to advocate for iron/ferritin testing when experiencing fatigue, anxiety, or related symptoms.
• Details about supplementation, why infusions might be necessary, and food sources vs. medical options.

---

2. "Nah, I'd Lose" – The Main Game (33:45–62:19)

Frog vs. Fly DEATHMATCH (34:05–47:16)

• Mark introduces a creative roleplay: You're a frog forced into a colosseum deathmatch against a fly. But your wife’s life insurance bet means you MUST lose, convincingly.

• Each round, Bob and Wade (taking turns) devise elaborate, progressively reckless ways to try (and spectacularly fail) to lose the battle (rolling dice after each action):

  • Bob’s turn 1: Charges the fly recklessly and accidentally wins with a critical roll.
  • Wade’s turn 1: Tries to "accidentally" concuss himself using his tongue on a pillar, but instead performs an impressive feat.
  • Bob’s showboating: Full-on "Hello My Baby" frog dance performance, with added absurdity each round (rings of fire, alligators, kebabs).
  • Escalation: The scenarios grow more dangerous and extravagant, but they keep "winning" the fight in absurd ways—until Bob finally, in classic Looney Tunes fashion, gets eaten by an alligator while pulling out its tooth to roast flies as kebabs.
    • “As you are split legged Van Damme style... your legs snap in half and you get snapped and you get eaten.” —Mark, [46:32]

Pig Accident Insurance Fraud Roleplay (49:27–59:16)

• The next scenario: You must make your death look accidental on the farm to cash in on insurance, with a vengeful pig as possible culprit.
• Both Wade and Bob improvise scenes of setting bear traps, taunting pigs with beloved Blanky (Betsy), and narrating their every move into a (very incriminating) tape recorder.
  • “I'll bend down now and pick them up to reload my shotgun, which I do, and the pig is no longer interested in Bessie.” —Bob, [57:51]
• After several close calls and much absurdity, Bob finally succeeds in enraging the pig enough for disaster to ensue.

Game Mechanics, Points & Favorite Gags

• Mark serves as chaotic judge, awarding and deducting points for wit, listening skills, and entertainment.
  • Points awarded for “immortality,” listening, loss, and various jokes throughout.
• Running gag: “Say it out loud for the tape recorder” and over-literal narration.
• Frequent callbacks to earlier bits: “Michael Douglas,” goat cheese bread, hydration, “Hello My Baby” dance.

---

3. Wrap-Up & Reflections (62:19–64:44)

• Victory tallied: Bob wins handily with “immortal” status and best “losing” performances.
  • “It couldn't go much better than being immortal and winning.” —Wade, [63:30]
• Wade gives a gracious loser speech, content to watch his friends “finally use all their ideas.”
• Bob and Mark reflect on the fun and absurdity of the episode, celebrating improv and ridiculous storytelling.

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamp Highlights

• Wade on Soto, food, and Michael Douglas:
  “Michael Douglas probably stand out. My references do not.” —Wade, [07:23]
• Bob, after his son takes a tumble:
  “He took like two steps and then just piled at the bottom. And it's busy. This is right by the entrance… James is just fucking eating so much.” —Bob, [12:52]
• Mark on new health kick:
  “I've never peed so much in my goddamn life. It never stops. I'm like, I put one of these. I am peeing more than I'm taking in.” —Mark, [23:25]
• Bob’s iron deficiency PSA:
  “Get your fucking iron checked. … tell your doctor to not be a dismissive asshole.” —Bob, [27:04]
• Bob on trying—and failing spectacularly—to lose as a frog:
  “Hello my baby, hello my darling… I do the whole emote. While I'm emoting, kick a guide fly way the hell out of into space.” —Bob, [41:30]
• Mark, narrating the frog’s epic demise:
  “As you are split legged Van Damme style... your legs snap in half and you get snapped and you get eaten. Boom. Done.” —Mark, [46:32]
• Bob, narrating every move for the insurance investigators:
  “Oh, no. I've dropped the blanket onto the bear traps. Everybody good?” —Bob, [57:51]
• Wade’s graceful losing:
  “Listen, I may have lost. I lost outright. I deserve to lose, but I feel like a winner seeing my friends succeed and host and use up all their ideas finally...” —Wade, [62:48]
• Bob, basking in his improbable “immortality” and win:
  “I became immortal. It was pretty... This was really funny bits. This is a heck of an episode.” —Bob, [63:23]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:56] – Start of main content, small talk
• [04:22–09:43] – Wade’s fine dining monologue (Soto)
• [11:16–15:26] – Bob’s turkey story and parenting panic
• [21:00–25:07] – Mark’s hydration revelation
• [25:07–29:55] – Bob’s PSA on iron deficiency
• [33:45–34:05] – Transition to “Nah, I'd Lose” main game
• [34:05–47:16] – Frog vs. Fly deathmatch roleplay
• [49:27–59:16] – Farm/pig/insurance deathmatch scenario
• [62:19–64:44] – Results, winner's and loser's speeches, episode reflections

---

Tone & Language

• Conversational and playful: The three hosts riff off one another, with plenty of asides, callbacks, and self-deprecating humor.
• Absurdist and creative: The roleplay segments are deliberately over-the-top, embracing cartoon logic and slapstick.
• Supportive and warm: Even in competition or mockery, there’s underlying friendship.

---

Final Thoughts

“Nah, I’d Lose” stands out as a showcase for Distractible’s brand of creative, unscripted humor. The episode emphasizes that sometimes “losing” leads to the best stories—with frog colosseums, immortalities won by coin flip, and intentionally hilarious insurance fraud. There’s also an unexpected dash of real-life advice, from restaurant obsessions to health advocacy, making the episode engaging even for listeners less interested in improv games.

For new listeners, this episode is an excellent sample of Distractible's blend of improv, personal storytelling, and tongue-in-cheek competition.

---

Transcript

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit Snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[B]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[C]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast. Brilliant.

[B]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[A]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly. This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keep things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can. I just. I'm the person who you can't help but chew. You put a mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it. I'm like, swallow. So I kind of need gum.

[C]

You turn into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry. Next time we hang out, I'm giving you a mint just to see what happens.

[A]

And of course, another way to refresh every day is with Mentos gum, available in a range of fresh flavors like spearmint, fresh mint and strawberry Mentos gum. Yes to fresh.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by Panda Express. If someone wanted to tell me that they love me, all they would need to do is get me some honey walnut shrimp from Panda Express. The message would not be lost in translation. In fact, I might even rather have honey walnut shrimp than words from an actual human mouth hole. If you're trying to get a message to me Honey walnut shrimp. However you want to say it, say it with delicious, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express. Have you eaten yet? Order now or visit the Panda Express near you.

[A]

This episode is presented to you by Battlefield 6. Rip through the skies in an aerial dogfight. Demolish your environment for strategic advantage.

[C]

Harness complete control over every action and movement. Every aspect of Battlefield's core gameplay has been honed to feel more fluid, responsive and immersive than ever before.

[B]

And with more maps, modes and ways to rally your squad. Battlefield 6 is the ultimate all out warfare experience. Available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X and S and PC. Good evening, gentle Listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Messianic Mark defies dehydration, then makes magical masochistic moments. World dad Wade watches fishy puss cook, tongues a huge shaft and summons fiery rings. Bonnie Bob bonds with his brave boy, glances a legendary gobble, enrolls in the endless, sings ragtime, and shoots shotguns. From a good hook to salacious swine. Yes, it's time for. Nah, I'd lose. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello, and welcome back to Distractable, the show that definitely is not ending. I don't care what the rumors say. We're gonna be here for the rest of whenever we're here for, and nothing's gonna stop us. Right, guys?

[A]

One of those two things is true.

[B]

One of them. I won't tell you which one. I will. But later, at the end of the episode, you'll have to listen to find out. No skipping.

[C]

Well, that's a hook.

[B]

Yeah. I'll put the reason or which one was true at some random point in this video. I'm Mark, also known as Markiplier, and I'm joined today by Bob and Wade, also known as Myskurm and Lordminion 777.

[C]

That's us.

[A]

I don't know why I threatened everyone with a pin, but that's us.

[C]

I didn't feel very threatened. That was like high school basketball coach levels of threatening right there.

[B]

Well, I mean, I felt pretty threatened, so might as well write something down. We all know Wade's not gonna get any more points than that.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta really hunt for reasons to give Wade points. We all know how this works, but.

[A]

How are you guys about to say, man? Doing pretty well. Life's good. Eating good. Well, then I went to.

[B]

So.

[A]

Oh, here. New passion moment. I know nothing about cooking. I'm not a cook. I'm not. I don't make a lot of food. I think I could do it, but I'm a perfectionist. It would drive me nuts. If I ever leave Cincinnati, I need to meet the owner of Soto and see if he will let me franchise it somewhere else, because I can't live without it. I've gotten to the point now where I can't live without it. So I will open my own Soto.

[C]

I don't think they. I don't think they do franchises of fine dining establishments.

[A]

They need to for this one, because I can't. I can't leave it. I can't quit it.

[B]

Here's the thing. I was in Cincinnati for An occasion. I won't say.

[A]

Details.

[B]

Yeah, I'm giving details right now. Amy and I, we went to Sodo because I had heard so much from it from you. And Amy knew that Soto actually had a restaurant in LA at one point and they couldn't make it in la, so that one closed down and then they moved to Cincinnati. Now, I don't know if that was Covid related. It could have entirely been. The food that we had at Soto was some of the best Italian food I've ever had. And I've gone to fancy schmancy Italian places that I don't usually like. Goat cheese, but that goat cheese on the bread and the toast, oh, it was amazing. Whatever the heck I had. The pappardelle with meat was unbelievable. Every bite was delicious. I can say for certain Wade is not exaggerating about. Well, okay, he might be. He might be overselling it just a little bit. But it is really good. It is very good. And I enjoyed my meal. And it was, you know, of all the high end places, I've gone to usually the high end Italian places and I haven't gone to that many, many high end places, but I've been lucky enough to go to a few. All the Italian places have not been to my liking because the portion sizes were way too small and it wasn't really good. I would have rather gone to Olive Garden. And I know I sometimes I have very simple taste, but soda was very good and the prices weren't as exorbitant as I thought they would be.

[C]

Now it's Cincinnati expensive, which is California cheap.

[B]

Yep, you know it.

[A]

And Michael Douglas approved. I do not speak for Michael Douglas.

[C]

Why did you pick Michael Douglas then?

[A]

It's always the name I go to. I don't know.

[C]

He picked anyone. And you picked Michael Douglas name Rent.

[A]

Free in my head.

[B]

It's okay. Michael Douglas is a fine.

[C]

He's fine. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but like, of all the celebrities that exist, that's just top of mind for you is crazy for me. He's not exactly showing up in a lot of stuff right now.

[A]

Him and Christopher Walken go to names in my mind.

[B]

Actually, I don't even recall you ever mentioning Michael Douglas in the past.

[A]

Oh, I do. Maybe not with you, but I do mention him.

[B]

Well, we've. We've talked pretty much consistently weekly for the past seven years or so. I can't recall. Bob, do you remember him ever saying Michael Douglas?

[C]

I don't have a specific memory.

[A]

Viewers and listeners go Back and find any references I've made of Michael Douglas.

[C]

I feel like maybe once before he has maybe referenced Michael Douglas, but not, like, it doesn't stand out to me as much as he makes it seem like it should.

[A]

My references would not stand out. Michael Douglas probably stand out. My references do not.

[B]

Well, was it just that you like Sodo?

[C]

Was that your.

[A]

Your update? Yeah, we went there the other night again. It was amazing. We actually had a different seat. I didn't know they had, like, a bar style seat, but there were, like, four stool seats at, like, the bar right across where they make all the meat. And they gave us.

[B]

Wait, they make the meat? They pull the meat out of the meat hole. What do you mean?

[A]

Where they. Like where they cut it up, cook it. I watched them prepare the meat.

[C]

He doesn't know what a kitchen's called, Mark.

[A]

Well, no, but, like, this guy. The kitchen is kind of like, divided. They have the. They have the. The meat side and, like, the pasta side.

[C]

It's all kitchen, man.

[A]

All the pastas were being made at this other end. And then there was a dude every few minutes would yell, hands. And it took me a long time to figure out what he was yelling hands for. I was like, did everyone put their hands? Like, what do you do with hands? Move your hands so I can inspect. No, hands just meant someone who comes and gets the food to take it to the tables. Took me a long time to figure that one out.

[C]

That's weird. They don't yell service.

[A]

That was hands.

[C]

Gordon Ramsay never said hands.

[A]

I think they yelled hands at Soto.

[B]

Did they say anything at Ichiban when.

[A]

The food was ready?

[C]

No, it wasn't that fancy of a place. They put the food in the window. The waiters got the food out of the window. There was some communication, but generally no.

[A]

Yeah, I thought there was a show being filmed because I was like, oh, they're inspecting to see how they're like, they're on a timer. Hands. It's like, did they pass and then someone just come and grab food and leave? And I was like, okay.

[B]

No, it's when. It's when the whole staff goes.

[C]

Hands. Yes, chef. Two, three, four. It's a whole number in the kitchen.

[A]

But I watched them. I watched them prepare and cook. Steak, octopus. I'm pretty sure there was, like, a sea bass. The different kind of, like, toasted breads and stuff. They would toss on, like, the grill for a moment. I watched a lot of foods get prepared. And when you're hungry, it's not like Their food takes forever to come out because it doesn't. But when you're hungry and you're sitting there watching just steak get cooked and pasta go right past you, even for a few minutes, man. Does that amp up the.

[C]

Like, I need my food now.

[A]

I was very, very hungry by the time my Capalacci came out.

[B]

You. Most people, when they go to a restaurant, they like seeing their food prepared. Face wade away he goes.

[A]

I wanted. So I was like, I don't even want this fish, but I want this fish right now. Give it to me.

[B]

Well, that's great. I'm glad.

[A]

And Soto, if I ever leave Cincinnati, Mr. Soto, call. Call me so I can. We can franchise. You forget the movie theater. We can own a sodo.

[B]

Do you. Have you. You. You've ever had a food service job?

[A]

I'm going to kidnap their manager and make him my manager.

[B]

So this Soto is going to fail.

[A]

They'll just promote. They'll promote.

[C]

Wade doesn't care what kind of trail of devastation he leaves, as long as what he needs comes where he is. He does not care about anything else.

[B]

You're going to go far in this business, baby.

[A]

This is a cut pasta business. Cutthroat. No, this is a.

[C]

This is a cut goat cheese business.

[A]

Yes. There's a goat cheese bread.

[B]

It was very good.

[C]

I've also been to this restaurant that.

[A]

Was more for the. That was more for other people, not for you. I knew you.

[C]

Mark mentioned the goat cheese bread. That was a reference to Mark.

[B]

That was actually one of the things I said.

[C]

He said that. He said, oh, the goat cheese on the toast. So.

[B]

All right, well, you lose a point.

[C]

I listen to you, Mark. I hear you.

[A]

I don't. I'm not afraid to say it. Bold point worthy even, maybe one might.

[C]

Say bold to declare. You should get a point. That's bold.

[B]

Well, I've already deducted one. And I don't want to be rude. He wasn't listening to me. And Bob, you got that point. So it went to you.

[C]

Oh, that's a two point sway. It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off.

[B]

And Bob hasn't even gotten to his small talk, so that really changed things up.

[A]

All right, Bob, go ahead. Let's see you piss off, Mark.

[B]

Yeah, make me mad.

[C]

I saw a turkey. Turkeys that was so big that nobody believed that it was a turkey until they inspected it for themselves. Took James to a fall festival like a. Like a farm. Like, right. You know, a big Midwest thing. It's like, oh, it's fall. Let's do a corn maze and then go in the pumpkin patch and we'll have like, yeah. Activities and stuff. And we went to this place. It was really fun. They had a bunch of cool playsets. The first moment we were there, I did have made a parenting mistake. They had this big thing that was just like a big hill and you could run. It was sort of like a hill where you were supposed to clearly run from one side to the other. And there was like a path, but then the. The sides were very steep. You were not supposed to go up or down the sides. You were supposed to go over the path. Like it. And James started going up that. And I was like, oh, that'd be a good picture. Because I was like, I'm trying to take pictures. We're doing this fun thing with James. I want pictures of James. And so I was like, he won't be fucking crazy for 30 seconds. I can let him run up down this hill really quick. So I let him go and I'm like, I'm just gonna go around and take a picture. Well, and I like have my phone out, about to take a picture. He's on the very top of the hill and. And he looks down at me and he just goes and tries to like run down the steepest fucking. He took like two steps and then just piled at the bottom. And it's busy. This is right by the entrance. So there's a. There's a bunch of other people doing the hill and people. And just out in the middle of all that, James is just fucking eating so much.

[B]

Just.

[C]

And I just. I put my phone away, going to go and pick him up, and he's. I'm okay, let's do this stuff. Like, because he doesn't want to, like, go home. He was. He was fine, but it was so I was like, he can do this, right?

[B]

Did you get any of it? Like a photo collage of. Yeah.

[C]

God, I fucking. I wish I didn't even get all the way to like. I was like trying to get the camera open and I was like, New England is. Anyway, it's very fun, but they had animals there. Goats and sheep and. And dogs and chickens and stuff. And they had one turkey. And I swear to fucking God, this must have been like a 70 pound turkey. It was so big. From a distance, all you heard was someone being like, that's a turkey. That can't be a turkey. Oh my God, that is a turkey. Hey, Jared, come look at the T. And like every Next person it was like, that's. No, that must be something. And we went over there and like, even I having heard all dozens of people all be like, that can't be a turkey. And we walked over there and James walked up and was like, oh, turkey. And I was like, wow, holy fuck. That's the biggest turkey I've ever seen. You know what, all those people were totally justified and how amazed they were at this turkey.

[B]

You know the saying, if you have to ask, it's a chicken. If it's a turkey, you will know.

[C]

But like in. When we lived out in the Bay Area, there were lots of turkeys. Listen, I've seen lots of turkeys. I'm familiar with turkeys. Literally, when we, we were moving into our house out in the Bay Area, a group of turkeys just like wandered through our front yard. They were around, and this turkey was easily three times as big as any turkey I ever saw in California.

[A]

Did you know a group of turkeys is called a rafter?

[C]

I did not know that.

[A]

I didn't either know that.

[C]

Well, who, who coined that term?

[B]

Yeah, whoever named all the groups is really bad at their job.

[A]

A group of turkeys is either refer a rafter or a flock.

[C]

Well, I would go with flock. I feel like flock is at the top of that list.

[A]

I would think so too. But rafter was the first thing.

[C]

Rafter.

[A]

A flock or a rafter, definitely not a gaggle.

[C]

I know what you're saying about the turkey, Mark, because generally it is true. But this turkey defied all turkey reason. James thought it was real cool. And I did get a picture and he didn't even fall down a huge hill or hurt himself while I was taking the turkey picture. So that was pretty fun.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

The biggest turkey on record was in 1989. His name was Tyson and he was an 86 pound turkey.

[B]

No other company's name Tyson.

[C]

That's why they served. That's why they're famous for chicken. A turkey started his own company and was like, kill those other birds. Not my people.

[A]

We sell chicken nuggets, not turkey meat.

[C]

Butterball thinks they're gonna, they're gonna get us. But I started Tyson to show them butterballs run by just a bunch of chickens.

[A]

Walk into the office, just a turkey with a big cigar sitting behind the desk.

[C]

But all the other employees are human. It's not all turkeys. It's just the one turkey in charge of a bunch of human employees.

[A]

It's funny, I want to point at something in your story. Here, back when you're talking about James falling and Mark asked if you got the video of the tumble, you said, I wish that's what happened to me with Molly. In hindsight, I wish I'd gotten that photo.

[C]

But in the moment, I knew that was going to come up. I knew that was going to come up. This was a specific instance where I was like, I would like a picture of my child, because I never take pictures of him. People are always like, oh, sure, what? Do you have any new pictures of James? He's growing up so fast. And I'm always like, ooh, I have a picture from, like, a year and a half ago. Is that cool? When he was like, a baby who couldn't walk. Do you want to see that? Or I was literally like, I need pictures of him.

[A]

No, I get that the photo you took was fine. That wasn't. But. But you did say you wish you'd gotten the video of him tumbling.

[C]

If it had just been a thing and he had just fallen and I wasn't trying to take the picture, I wouldn't now be like, I wish I got it on camera, though. I'd be like, I can't believe he didn't fucking break his arm. He fell down a hole, and it's kind of worked out. I got to say, I've thought about it. If I had been up at the top of the hill with him and he just went, I'm not sure what I would have done, because I think my instinct might have been to be like, whoa. And. But then I would have just fallen down the same hill because it's really steep.

[A]

And then if you were both okay, hoping you would be, I would have, in hindsight, wished I'd gotten that on video.

[C]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't hope that. I would never think that.

[A]

I typically am not the person to go to, but Yamcha pose on trash in hindsight was really funny. And baby tumbling when baby ends up okay. Also kind of funny.

[B]

All right. Laughing at babies.

[C]

It's more scary than funny. I've never lived with as much fear as I do now that any moment James is in imminent peril. I don't really give a shit if I get hurt that much. Like, like, in cars. I've always liked cars, and I've. When I was younger, I used to drive too fast. Like, probably more than I should have. Never once was I like, oh, I hope I don't die. Which is stupid. And, like, not as smart, but, like, I never had that fear. Now every time we're in the car. I'm like, God, I hope nobody fucking hits us. James is so frail. He's tiny. It changes. It does change. How I change me, how I think about stuff.

[A]

I can't relate to the baby part, but the newfound fear of vehicles happen with the semi.

[C]

I still don't really give a shit about myself, except that I know if something bad happens. If something bad happens to me, that means I won't be able to do what I am currently doing for James. Like, if I get hurt, I'll be out of commission, or if I die or something, I won't be around for him. I'm not really afraid of that for my own purposes, but that seems really unfair to James. Oh. Oh. You could have just let it happen.

[B]

No, I caught that one. What was unfair to James?

[C]

If I die, that would be really unfair to James.

[B]

All right, you can't die if you win this, but if you lose, you die right now.

[C]

I win this coin flip. Do I gain invincibility? You do.

[B]

Yes. By the powers invested in the. In the constitution of distractible, you will become immortal. And then opposite that, you will die way sooner. I don't think I can kill you.

[C]

Right here, but which one am I rooting for? Heads.

[B]

Heads means you will be immortal.

[C]

Guys, if you could get heads on this. Of all the coin flips I've ever lost.

[A]

I'll do my best.

[C]

If we could get heads on this one.

[B]

All right, here we go. It's heads.

[A]

I did it.

[C]

No way.

[B]

Oh, is that heads?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. The ladies heads. The ladies heads.

[B]

He's immortal, everybody.

[C]

I'm. I'm immortal.

[A]

Congratulations, dude.

[B]

I got. I gotta write that down. How do you feel it?

[C]

I do feel better. My back doesn't hurt anymore.

[A]

You were so right. That would be unfair to Jay. James. That. Now it's. You're so right.

[C]

That would be so unfair. And. And so I'm immortal now. Okay. I felt like I needed. I wish I had a better coin. Yeah. Lion is tails on mine. And I got lady. Lady is heads.

[A]

I'm just glad we had your back. We're such good friends, Mark.

[B]

Yeah. I tried really hard, and it worked.

[C]

If I actually did gain immortality from that, that makes up for all the other coin flips I've ever lost. I'm not even mad about it.

[A]

Until the world explodes and you're left alone as the last living person karmically in the universe.

[C]

That makes total sense.

[B]

It does. It does. Okay, well, congratulations. I'm obviously giving you an Immortality point for that. Because if there ever was a moment. But don't worry. Wait, I gave you a point for laughing at my joke.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

It was one single chuckle, but I counted it.

[A]

I know how that feels. But, yeah. No, Bob, I can relate to. I can't relate to the parenting part, but I love me and the world would be at a loss without my humor if I were to die. So, like, I feel like I owe it to the world to treat myself safe because I'm raising all of them.

[C]

You're like the world's daddy.

[A]

Yeah, well, Dad, I don't think I'm.

[C]

Daddy Wade considers himself a big daddy.

[B]

Small talk for me, I guess. I've been okay. You know how I always am. Like, I got a big, sweeping realization about my life, how I've been doing things wrong.

[C]

Yeah, sure, sure.

[B]

Every time we talk, have I talked about how I have an egregiously high salt intake and I. Well, I licked the lamp. Right. So I, like salt. Talked about before. I think I've been chronically dehydrated all of my life and never have taken in enough water because I was doing some research.

[C]

That seems possible.

[A]

That's a funny joke, man. I'm laughing again.

[B]

That same joke. All right, you know what? Yeah.

[A]

You get another point times two. Oh, hell, yeah. That makes up for my last point.

[B]

So, I mean, my salt intake is egregious, and my blood pressure has been fine. So it's not really I'm doing this for that reason or anything, but it's more just I realized how little water I actually drank. I drink water, a cup of water in the morning when I take my medication. That's the only cup of water I was drinking. I had a cup of coffee, you know, and jury's out on whether that actually hydrates you or not. I have, like, carbonated diet sodas. I have carbonated waters. But mostly I was getting, like, maybe 3 or 4 cups total liquid every day. Right. That's not usually what they recommend. Now, the recommendation from doctors, you know, there's the people that, like, drink as much water as possible. Now, the recommendation, like, 35 to 40 milliliters per kilogram of body weight, which for me is about three to three and a half liters. What I would need in terms of liquid.

[A]

Hold on. 30 to 35 milliliters per kilogram.

[B]

35 to 40. So anywhere in that range is, I think, the scientifically recommended amount of water that you should be getting or liquid you should be getting in your day. That includes, like, Watery foods, soups, you know, I think they even include coffee in that. But three liters is a big jump from what I was doing. Right. And it makes sense that I was able to do this because my salt intake was so high. Therefore my cells have a lot of salt in them. And therefore it holds on to water. It's hard for the water to leave. It flows towards the higher salinity gradient. You've seen the thing with the soy sauce packet in the water. It's water goes into the soy sauce through the permeable membrane. Anyway, so I started drinking four of these. These are 40 ounce with ice. It's about like 30ish something ounces. I've never peed so much in my goddamn life. It never stops. I'm like, I put one of these. I, I am peeing more than I'm taking in. Which apparently makes sense because the salt is slowly going out of my cells and like, I don't feel any better yet.

[C]

Oh, I was gonna say you probably feel a lot better, right?

[B]

No, I don't, I don't feel any better. I feel no different other than that I'm peeing all the time. I've gone to the bathroom so much more than in my entire life. Every hour I have to go to the bath. But they say it takes like three to four weeks for you to start to become adjusted to it. The thing is, also, I was never thirsty. I, I, I very rarely am. I like, oh, I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty, I'll drink water. So I've been, this is my second one of these today, so I'm apparently.

[A]

Supposed to drink nine 500 milliliter bottles a day. According to your.

[B]

How much?

[A]

Nine of these bottles a day.

[B]

You need four and a half liters, apparently.

[C]

What was the recommended amount?

[B]

It's like 35 to 40 milliliters per kilogram.

[A]

So I'm about 100 and we'll call it 115 kilograms times 40. Right?

[B]

That's the upper end.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And you divide that by. This is a 500 milliliter bottle.

[B]

You're a big guy. Yeah. It's like it's supposed to be more if you're exercising. So I used to think that people were crazy. Like, you need two gallons a day and that might be crazy, but like it's basically, that's more than a gallon you need. I need right about a gallon. Apparently.

[A]

Now £250 is about nine bottles of water a day.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm waiting for all the amazing health benefits and Mental clarity to kick in. But all my mental, mental thoughts are only occ with. I have to pee, I have to pee.

[C]

I have to be.

[B]

That's all I've got so far. So I'll report back next week when my equilibrium equilibria lies.

[C]

I have other small talk. This is. This is actually. It's because you were talking about health stuff. This is an update. So this is a way the hell a long time ago now, but we did an episode where I talked about how stressful and sort of traumatizing man the James's birth was, and especially around Mandy's health and issues that she faced before, during, and after actually giving birth. James is almost three. James will be three in December. Mandy just this past week, got an iron infusion, and it turns out she's been having all of these postpartum issues, including, like, panic attacks and other, like, really serious issues that are potentially all, if not many of them were caused by, like, critically low iron. Like, literally just zero iron in her body. She thought that just having the baby just, like, changed her hormonal chemistry or changed her body or she was having. She was feeling more anxious because having a kid does make you feel kind of anxious in different ways and stuff. Like, it's potentially literally all related to low iron. And she asked me to bring this up just to say to all of the women that are listening and especially if you currently are or have been recently, or if you just think that any of the stuff that Mandy dealt with sounds familiar to you, get your fucking iron checked. It took her multiple doctors to find one who would even do the tests that she was like, I think I have low iron. I have all these symptoms that are happening. And the doctors would just be like, dah. You're just, is it your time of the month? Well, calm down. Calm down, woman. And like, not maybe that explicit. But none of them gave a shit. And then she finally convinced her current doctor, who still didn't give a shit, to do the test. And the test came back and it was like, you have zero iron and zero ferritin in your body. And the doctor was kind of like, oh, okay, I'll refer you to, like, a hematologist or whatever. That's fine. So any women out there, if you feel like you have. If you look into any of the symptoms and accompanying side of whatever accompanying things that come with low iron and you feel like maybe you have low iron, get a test and tell your doctor that to not be a dismissive asshole that you would like a test to see if your iron and specifically your ferritin are low because they can have all kinds of crazy side effects. Including Mandy literally never had panic attacks before in her life and had panic attacks because of low iron. Like date like crazy low iron. Like zero out of whatever. It's supposed to be like a hundred and it was a zero on the test result. I mean, it could apply to guys too. But this is for reasons I think anyone who understands how women's anatomy works even slightly, it might be obvious this is a thing that applies generally more to women, especially women who are pregnant, have been pregnant, giving birth. Also you lose a lot of blood. But it's just, just interesting fact. Mandy wanted everyone to know, get that checked because apparently not having iron can cause all kinds of side effects and can make you think that you have all kinds of other diseases that you don't have. But if you just get an iron infusion, which she did, she immediately started to feel better. After the first day, she felt kind of sick from the infusion. But interesting tidbit, Check that out.

[B]

Good to know. Point to Mandy. I also wrote for the point, iron within iron without which is a 40 kilogram iron infusion.

[A]

Best way to get iron or is there a way you can increase your iron?

[C]

Well, so there are supplements, but iron supplements are really hard on your stomach. And Mandy has always had trouble with nausea from like she's very sensitive to oral medication in general. And so she, she tried to take the iron supplements orally and like was so sick that she didn't eat for a couple weeks and was like almost bedridden for part of it. So that wasn't really an option. The only other way I know of to get iron is through food, which she does do. But like the iron supplement is like 50 milligrams of iron or something or 100 or something. The most high iron food you can get is multigrain cheerios have like 18 milligrams of iron in them. But all the other food that people are like, oh, it has a lot of iron. They have like three milligrams of iron. You have to eat an actual five gallon bucket of spinach to get a meaningful amount of iron from eating spinach or whatever, all this. So if you have like Mandy, like seriously low iron, like dangerously low, causing these side effects, an iron infusion might be the way that they go. If the other options don't work for you. And eating, getting it from food was just not substantial enough for her to recover from being completely bottomed out on her levels.

[B]

But yeah, well, good to know. Good to know.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by Petivity.

[A]

In every pet story, there is a moment. A moment where seemingly minor changes could be the first signs of larger issues.

[B]

Petivity is reimagining pet care to help you better understand what's going on with your pets with smart devices and at home health tests that proactively monitor their health.

[C]

Visit petivity.com this fall for a site wide sale on all smart devices and at home health tests.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by NOS Energy. NOS Energy exists to boost your horsepower. So it depends on what kind of boost you need. Are you prepping for an exam? Are you prepping for a job interview? Are you prepping to wake up in the morning? You a prepper?

[C]

Oh, I'm a big prepper.

[A]

If you want the high performance boost that tastes great. NOS Energy comes in a range of refreshing flavors. Original GT grape and sonic sour. And NOS zero sugar is, you guessed it, sugar free.

[B]

NOS Energy, get after it. Find out [e-mail] that'S-R-I-N k n o s.com.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah, we all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[B]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up or there's a will. We're on our way. Uber. On our way. Download the app today.

[B]

All right, that was a long, small talk, but I liked all of it. So you guys got a lot of points out of that.

[A]

Water and iron. Water and iron.

[C]

It's the weirdest World of Warcraft factory rock and stone.

[B]

All right, we're gonna move on from that. This. No, no, no. All right, I want. I'm gonna set the scene. I. I did a little creative writing here, and I'm gonna. I want you to really feel in the moment of what we're about to do here. Okay, Imagine you're in a dark hallway. You give your wife one last hug. She tells you she made the bet, just like you asked, but she's choking on the words. She's crying. You nod solemnly, knowingly, and you say goodbye for the last time. You leave. It's Hard to do so. But you leave. You turn around, you step onto that platform. You hop right up there. And then the lights go out. Plunged into darkness, you're sent shoom up, rising. The platform rising, rising. Suddenly, blinding lights all around you. The crowds, they're cheering. Cheering on for the bloodbath that is about to occur. You look around. When your eyes adjust to it, blink, lick your eyeball. Surrounded by water. You're on a big platform in the center. There's pillars on the outskirts. You're a frog. And your opponent on the other side, a fly. Your wife made a bet against you losing this match. And if so, your family will be set for life. Welcome to Nied Lose. This is actually. Someone on the server has said this. They mentioned it casually, I think. So I was like that. That would be funny. So it's exactly like Nidewin, except you're trying to die. You will repeat the same actions because you will just have an onslaught of flies that are coming after you if you. If you miraculously don't die from the first fly, which you will have to get your D20s out because you're going to be making rolls. It's the exact same setup you need. It's going to be like a 20 at first. You will make up your actions to lose this fight, you do whatever it takes to lose it. You gotta lose, and it's gotta be in the match because otherwise they're gonna know something's up. So you gotta make it organic in your death has to be believable.

[A]

Okay, are we wanting to roll 20s or ones?

[B]

You're trying to roll a 20. Oh, wait, yeah, let's invert it. So you gotta roll a one to lose this fight. That's a good.

[C]

That.

[B]

That's good. That's good. That's good, right? It starts at one. And then every action that is believably bad to get you to that death that you oh so crave, you'll get a another plus one on your roll. Minus one on your roll. Actually, we'll do it that way. All right, heads, Bob goes first.

[C]

Tails, Wade.

[B]

Boink heads again for Bob. It's his lucky day.

[A]

All right, four heads for Bob.

[B]

Bad game to be immortal, huh? All right, Bob, what's your first attempt?

[C]

I don't take in any information. I don't survey what's around me in any way. I lock on immediately to the fly. And with every ounce of strength that I have, I leap at the fly with my mouth open to try and literally just like, like, go reckless. Abandoned. Full kill mode. Just like a missile. Straight at the fly. Hell, who gives a. Where I land? We'll see what happens.

[B]

All right. Roll.

[C]

I rolled a 20.

[B]

That would have been hilarious. And I'd win. That would have been really funny. Yeah, it works.

[A]

You.

[B]

You got him. He was so scared. That fly didn't even fucking move. It was just.

[A]

Eaten.

[B]

Luckily, there's gonna be another fly that pops up because it's. They knew it would be an unfair fight, so there's actually a whole plethora of flies just waiting. Waiting to enter the arena. But, Wade, it's your turn. And you will repeat the actions that the previous dead.

[A]

All right, Elevator comes up. I don't look around. I see the fly. I lunge, jumping straight for it. I land quickly, take a look around at these pillars. I wait for a fly to just pass a pillar, shoot my tongue out, wrap it around the pillar, and yank myself in as hard as I can to concuss myself against the pillar, intentionally. Intentionally, trying to knock myself out.

[B]

You got to make this believable. You got to make me believe you're trying.

[A]

I had just flown past.

[B]

Okay, all right. You're a. You're pretending you're aiming for the fly.

[A]

Okay? Maybe I'm trying to yank the pillar onto the fly.

[B]

Okay, Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha. Okay, roll. I'll give you a plus one for that.

[C]

Minus one. Eight.

[B]

All right. Seven. You pull real hard, you yank the pillar. It comes crumbling down. You're so strong. Crushes the fly, you actually do a cool flip and land on one foot. The crowd is loving this.

[A]

They are going, bob, we're selling it. We're selling it, Bob.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I've never sold so hard in my life. All right, the elevator comes up. I lock onto the fly, launch myself like a missile. One fly down. I land. I wheel around. I see a fly just flying towards one of the pillars, just. And I pretend like I'm trying to get the fly, but I wrap my tongue around the pillar, pull it towards myself, and it falls over, and I flip really cool through the air. And for some reason, I land on one leg, all crazy. The crowd is going fucking wild. And I have the stadium guy ready to go. And he plays my. He plays my victory song. And it's that song from that Disney movie where it goes, hello, my darling, hello, my sweetheart. Hello, my right time gal. And I do that dance that the frog does where it's like the frog can. Can. And I'm showboating and paying no attention to the Next fly who's definitely gonna get me.

[B]

I gotcha.

[C]

That's great.

[B]

Minus one for not paying attention to your surroundings. Go for it.

[C]

I rolled a 14. God dang.

[B]

Okay, well, all right. 12. Well, hello my baby, hello my fucking. Kick that fly into the stratosphere. You killed on an emote. The crowd is losing mind. This is the greatest death match they've seen in years.

[C]

We might be the best frog ever.

[B]

This is unbelievable. Your wife is very nervous right now. And all the debt you owe to all the gangster frogs are just like. They're starting to get real mad. So you're. You're. You're alive. And I'm guessing your song is done or. Unless it's still going. Wade, you'll decide if it's still going.

[A]

All right. Elevator comes up, I pop out. Don't look anywhere. Lock onto the fly, mouth wide open, jump for it, land, look over, see the pillar. Wrap my tongue around that baby. Yank it down, Smash, jump up, land on one foot, all cool like crowds going wild. I grab my top hat cane. Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal. Kicking my legs like a madman. And then I jump up in the air, mouth agape, looking for a big swarm of flies that I'm gonna try to just barely miss and land mouth open on the ground, hoping to slip. Split my face in half.

[B]

Holy.

[C]

Oh my God.

[B]

All right, minus. We're up to minus three now.

[A]

There's a 1 5.

[B]

All right, so you actually caught the other fly platform that had just raised. Cuz they were trying to even the odds you were just destroyed those first two. So they sent a whole like school bus worth. Not a school bus, but you know.

[C]

Like, like a group, a rafter of flies.

[B]

A rafter.

[C]

Flies came up here. Their little fly life vests are like.

[B]

Okay, all right, we're going to show. Just right in there, you do land on the ground. It kind of hurts a little bit, but you know, it didn't do any permanent damage.

[A]

A group of flies is either a swarm, a cloud, or a business.

[B]

There was a business of flies.

[C]

There's a business of flies.

[B]

So Bob, your turn is starting your mouth like fully splayed out on the ground, perfectly T shaped hand, mouth stand.

[C]

The elevator comes up, I launch myself like a missile, mouth open and eat the first fly. Land wheel around, see the fly going by the pillar. Wrap my tongue around the pillar, pull it over, fling myself into the air, do a cool flip, land on one leg. Hello my baby, hello my darling. Hello my right time gal. Do the whole emote. While I'm emoting, kick a guide fly way the hell out of into space. After that, for some reason, I decide I'm gonna nose dive at the earth as violently as possible. And while consuming the entire business of flies that just came up out of the elevator, I land, mouth open like a spring trap, ready to. Ready to snap shut on my next victims. And I decide there's been a lot of action. There's been a lot of showboating. It's time to draw everyone in. I'm going to chill it out and I'm going to make. I'm going to play the Venus fly trap move. I'm going to stay there with my mouth on the thing and I'm going to make the flies think like, oh, he's hurt. Oh, this is our chance. And I'm going to try and lure them in. And then when they get close, I'm going to just try and like snap them.

[B]

Okay. All right. Is that trying to lose?

[C]

Yeah. Well, I'm giving them an opening, right? I act like I'm going to get them, but I'm. I'm letting them get a whole business of flies get an opening in. And then I'm going to try and fight back. But it's gonna be pretty half hearted, right?

[B]

Okay. Gotcha. Okay, got it, got it, got it. Okay.

[C]

And the whole crowd is gonna be like, oh, and you control and then you suck the air out of the room.

[B]

Yeah. All right. Okay. All right, I'll give it to you.

[C]

Minus four, then minus five.

[B]

You're at minus now.

[A]

The five would work. Come on.

[C]

Roll 12. Your.

[B]

Your tactic. You were so scary. The first, literally 10 seconds of this match was just utter annihilation. No fly is going towards you. They are so scared. But there is now a ring of flies that have entered the arena. But they are just around you, like, he's not moving. What do we do? So they're preparing. They're. They're there and they're ready for something. But they are too scared to attack you, Wade.

[A]

Elevator goes up, I launch myself at the nearest fly. Mouth agape. Land. Look for the nearest pillar. Tongue out, pull it down. Fling myself up. Land on one leg, looking all badass. Grab my top hat cane. Hello, my baby hello, my honey hello, my ragtime grow. Jump up like a fucking missile. Mouth a gate, Go straight down to land. Mouth open. I wait for the flies to come and swarm in whenever they get close. Venus fly trap them, which I do successfully. And then I jump up, rip off the Arm sleeves of my tuxedo. And I say, let's amp this baby up. And I pull the chains of doom that unleash the rings of fire in the alligators. And then I start fucking bouncing on the alligator's mouths and through the rings of fire, thinking one of these is going to kill me as I go for the flies.

[C]

Holy.

[B]

All right, so the river's on fire.

[C]

It up.

[B]

The river's on fire. There are alligators released. You have torn your sleeves off.

[A]

I'm wearing my. My tuxedo jacket for the hello my baby bit. Right, right.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

All right, so now it's a six. Or I need. It's a minus five. Right.

[B]

So six minus. It's minus six right now.

[A]

Fifteen.

[B]

All right, man. Greatest show the audience has ever seen in their life. Gasoline spills onto the river. Lights on fire. You've got your oiled up gators with an oil that's flammable resistant. You're bouncing on all of them, doing like Donkey Kong in the alligator levels. Boing, boing, boing, boing. And meanwhile the flies are so mesmerized. Mesmerized. They are sitting ducks for you. They get caught up in the flames. Alligators snap and flies left and right. And meanwhile you are just bouncing around. You land in the middle of all the fire. Superman landing. So there's. There's not many flies left. Bob. Can you lose?

[C]

The elevator comes up. I launch myself like a missile. Mouth open, get the first fly. Cool landing. Turn around. Flying. Go by the pillar. Wrap my tongue around the pillar. Pull it down. While I pull it down, I fling myself into the air, do a cool flip, land on one leg. Hello, my baby, hello, my honey. Ragtime, whatever. I don't know the words. That song. Why did I pick that? After I do my showboating and I kick the one fly into space, I launch myself straight up and come straight back down. Mouth open. Land like a. Like a bear trap, but face the wrong way. And then I wait and the flies line up around me. And then I. They don't do anything. And then I tear the sleeves off of my tuxedo. And then I pull the chains of doom which unleashes the river of fire and all the alligators. And then I'm like a little ninja. Just like, wahoo. Through the mouths of the alligators. We're running low on flies. I know I'm gonna have to do something really crazy. And I decide what I'm gonna do. Is I want to eat. I want to cook my last few flies like a kebab. And what I need to do is land in the mouth of one of the alligators and rip off one of their longest teeth and then get the flies on the tooth and then roast them over the river of fire before I eat them. Just to make it a whole show for the people.

[B]

Holy shit.

[C]

So I'm land. So I'm trying to get the tooth. That's my move. I land in the mouth of an alligator and I'm like, I'm gonna try to like rip a tooth out.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah. That is gonna be very dangerous. You're at a negative 7. Is this gonna be the one?

[C]

I wouldn't, I couldn't roll another 20.

[B]

Couldn't possibly.

[C]

That one.

[B]

All right. As you are split legged Van Damme style. In between the alligator's mouth pulling on its tooth, you look up one last time at your wife, knowing that she placed a bet for you to consumption in the eighth round to a. To a hazard. Which was like the best bet you could possibly. Highest odds ever was like there's no way it would happen.

[C]

Plus 3,000 odds on that bet.

[B]

You look at her, she blows. You kiss and you don't blow it back, cuz I'll blow your cover. Your legs snap in half and you get snapped and you get eaten. Boom. Done. And then the alligator gets consumed in the fire. So there's no evidence of your body. Congratulations, mom. You lost. You're dead.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

I did it. I knew. I just want to say I'm glad to take that round. I had from almost the very beginning, I had thought up that the frog mobsters that I owed money to were somehow going to be worked into the story. And they were going to tell me that I'll live to ribbit this because live to regret it. Live to rebate it. I couldn't find a way to get that in there, but this is going away. So I just wanted to get that out of my head or I would have been holding on to that for the rest of the episode.

[B]

I'm glad you were able to clear your conscience of that.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by T Mobile 5G Home Internet. I'm sure everyone can agree with me when I say that nowadays, everything in your house keeps getting smarter. Smart speakers, smart mirror, smart toaster, smart smart coffee maker, smart shoes, smart carpet, everything. What isn't smart? Luckily, t mobile 5G home Internet makes it easy to keep all your devices connected with their quick one cord setup. You can hop online in literally 15 minutes or less. They've also got fast speeds, a price that works for any budget, and a five year price guarantee. So if you're looking for Internet that keeps up with you, connect to T Mobile Home Internet for their fast 5G speeds, easy 15 minute setup and 5 year price guarantee. Visit t mobile.com homeinternet to check. Availability guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G Internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds vary due to factors affecting cellular networks. Guarantee exclusions and details@t mobile.com homeinternet.

[A]

This podcast is brought to you by Carvana. Carvana lets you buy your next car on your terms. Explore a massive inventory online, filter for what matters, and find your perfect match. Choose delivery to your home or pick it up at one of Carvana's iconic car vending machines. Every car also comes with a seven day money back guarantee so you can make sure it's the right fit. Buy your car on Carvana. Delivery or pickup fees may apply. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven day return [e-mail] Carvana.

[B]

Okay. All right, man. We were man only have time for like one more.

[A]

That would take a while.

[B]

All right, I got. I got this. You're sitting at your kitchen table looking at the piles and piles of bills around you. You have no idea how you were going to take care of this, but you finally came up with a plan. You're not gonna let those goddamn loan sharks take your land, your home that's been in your family for years and years and years, nor your farm. You write your letter to your insurance agents saying, Dear Penthouse Insurance, I can't believe what's going to happen to me in case I die. I'm buying a lot of life insurance. You send the letter, you grab your shotgun, hop in your thresher, you drive that bad boy down to the barn, hop out, lock eyes with that damn pig with that rolled up blanket that he can't be without. And you're gonna make it look like a horrible industrial accident or mauled by the pig or whatever have you. There's not going to be multiple pigs. So you got to like, figure out how to die in a perfectly believable way for the insurance to, to do something about it.

[C]

Who goes first?

[B]

Switch. Go first.

[A]

All right. I get off my tractor, thresher. I grab my audio, I got my thresher. Grab my audio recorder and hit record. Dear Abby, I can't believe this is about to happen to Me and I go and I set some bear traps for the pig. I'm gonna lure this pig onto the bear trap. Oh no. I left my shotgun on the other side. That's okay. I'll just cross over and get it. I'm agile and I run across the bear traps. Insurance company's gonna believe this one. Alright, rule incoming. That one. 17.

[B]

All right, you step over the bear trap. That's it. Go off Bob.

[C]

My turn.

[B]

You still have the audio recorder?

[C]

Yeah. Okay. I, I stepped down from the thresher. I get on my audio recorder for some reason and say Dear Abby, I can't believe what's about to happen. And then just ignore that for the rest of eternity. And then I go into the barn, lean my shotgun up against one wall, set out some bear traps for the pig, and then realize, oh, I'm on the other side of the bear traps for my shotgun. And very safely walk around the bear traps and go get my shotgun. And then I'm like, ah, I know what will. Cause I'll know how I'll get the pig to step into the bear traps. I'll shoot my gun into the air. And I take my shotgun inside the barn and I, without looking at anything or thinking, I just go and knock my headphones off so I can't hear anything. I just fire it around and see what happens. Hopefully there are no lanterns full of flammable oil or anything.

[B]

So your objective is to spook the pig into causing your demi. I see.

[C]

Gonna scare the pig into the bear traps.

[B]

All right. Minus one.

[C]

That's an 11.

[B]

All right, so you go boom boosh. Pig goes. Resumes making sweet love to its blanket. It really loves that blanket. Betsy. Betsy. Sorry, Betsy.

[A]

Well, how could you forget such a classic?

[B]

All right, so there's two holes in the roof and you're. I'm guessing it's a double barrel kind of shotgun situation.

[C]

So yeah, it's like a break action shotgun. So both shells are spent currently.

[B]

You'll need to reload if you want to shoot it again.

[A]

I dismount the thresher, I grab my tape recorder, which I will definitely be utilizing as evidence throughout this entire thing and say, Dear Abby, I can't believe what's about to happen to me. Gonna get rich. I place my bear traps. That was in my head.

[C]

Best rewriting history.

[B]

No, you said it. You said it into the recording.

[A]

I'm gonna get rid of it. Oh, now I said the recording. I go and I place my sh. Down place a bunch of bear traps and I Say, oh, I forgot my shotgun. That's okay. I'm agile. I run around the bear traps very safely, get my shotgun. I think to myself, I can scare. I say to myself out loud, I can scare this pig into the bear traps.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Fire my shotgun twice into the air. Made two holes in my roof, but didn't scare the pig around. I know I'll get Betsy. That'll lure the pig. So I grab Betsy. Oh, I've also got to carry my shotgun and reload it. I better put Betsy on my back. Whoops. Dropped my bullets. I bend over with Betsy on my back, right. With my face above the bear traps, thinking piggy comes in for the hump. Facey, go trap. Face.

[B]

You go trap. Are you saying all this into the recording?

[A]

No, no, that's something that's just for you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I love the recorder because it just.

[B]

Destroys any credibility that this is an accident.

[C]

Just. All right, buddy. Five.

[B]

All right. You're bent over with Betsy on your back.

[A]

Abby. For the memes.

[B]

Yeah, of course. Who's Abby?

[C]

It's a column you can write into Dear Abby.

[A]

I was like, what's the opposite of Penthouse four? Probably Dear Abby.

[B]

I got you. Okay. All right.

[A]

A six is not going to do it. That's a four.

[B]

Not going to do it. No. Okay. So the pig, I'm guessing, is kind of confused, maybe now is realizing that Betsy was not actually a pig and was a rolled up blanket. Your back is kind of damp now. I'm not gonna tell you why. And you're bent over the bear trap. But it didn't take the bait. It wasn't go humpy. It's actually kind of devastated right now because it's. It's love is then revealed as a rolled up blanket. Bob.

[C]

Okay. I get down from the thresher, I get out my tape recorder, and I say, dear Abby. I can't believe what's about to happen to me. I'm about to be rich. I think in my. Inside my head, I'm about to kill a pig. I say out loud for the tape recorder.

[B]

Good.

[C]

Yeah, that's good. I think inside my head, I'll lay out some bear traps to get this pig. I say out loud for the tape record recorder, I'm going to kill this pig the same way I always have with bear traps. But then I realized after setting out the bear traps that I left my shotgun on the other side. I'll jump right through them and die. I think, internally, I'll walk safely around them. I say out loud and do I go get my shotgun, then think to myself, what if I just fire randomly? That's pretty dangerous. I say out loud, I'll scare the pig just like normal by firing both shotgun rounds through these holes in the roof. The pig is not scared. I am defeated. I realize I'm gonna need to escalate things. I go and I pick up Betsy, but I also need to reload my shotgun. So I put Bessie over my shoulders, and I think to myself, I'll bend over with my face over the bear traps, and then the pig will come, try and fuck Bessie, and then Facey go trappy. I say out loud, oh, no. I've dropped my shotgun shells. I will bend down now and pick them up to reload my shotgun, which I do, and the pig is no longer interested in Bessie. I reload my shotgun. I turn on the pig angrily, and I think to myself, how the fuck am I got this stupid pig to kill me? And I say out loud, all right, time to kill you, pig. I take Betsy off my shoulders and I toss her into the bear traps. And just. Yes, puppies. Bessie is murdered. It's still a blanket, but I hope that this enrages the pig and that will cause the pig to charge at me and get revenge for sweet Bessie. I thought all of that. I didn't say that out loud. Out loud, I say, oh, no. I dropped the blanket onto the bear traps. Everybody good?

[B]

Man, I'm. I'm sweating. I'm sweating, man.

[A]

Yeah, man, you just need a. I'm assuming that gives you a minus one. So you're down to. You need a four. Just need a four. Lower.

[B]

I wish I could give you more than minus one, but, man, oh, man, you got all that weight. You're gonna have to remember if it doesn't work.

[C]

All right, I got a five. Oh, shit.

[A]

You needed a four, didn't you?

[B]

It was at minus four. It's minus four. He got to one. That gives him one.

[C]

We're trying to get one or I guess lower. But I thought you were.

[A]

Odds 012 3. I thought you were at minus three. Is it minus four?

[B]

He's minus four.

[A]

I feel like I'm one off on every.

[B]

No, yeah, I've been keeping track.

[A]

Okay. All right, I'll remember all that. That's fine with me.

[B]

So it worked. There was just enough of that attachment to that soggy blanket that got snapped up by the bear traps that the pig was enraged. Not only does it push you over, sadly, the bear traps are already trapped. But knocks over the fire Lamp that was up above. You go, oh, no. I can't get up for the recorder.

[C]

But I think to myself, yes, I've done it. I'll die now.

[A]

I also think and say out loud, ow.

[B]

Why does it hurt so bad?

[C]

I think and say, oh, fire. It burns.

[B]

Okay, well done, guys. That'll do it. Only two rounds, but.

[A]

Holy shit, Bob, the say out loud.

[B]

That's so funny.

[C]

Oh, you had to use the tape recorder. I just.

[A]

I had to get Dear Abby in there. My joke was too funny to leave out points.

[B]

Mandy's got one for iron. Iron within iron. Without Wade. You got pen threaten. Point. Michael Douglas approved cooking makes him mad. Point. You lost a point for listening. So doink. But you got two for laughing at my joke. I give you a double points for that. Unfortunately, you didn't lose. Bob, he doesn't know what a kitchen is. Yes, chef. 2, 3, 4 you4 got a point for listening. James sprinted off a mountain. You're immortal. You lost. You lost to the frog, and you lost to the pig. And you made me laugh so hard, I gave you another point. Point.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

All right, that's eight to four. Nearly impossible to come back from that. But it was nearly.

[A]

I said nearly negative points turned to positive points.

[B]

It could be. It could flip over. Oh, the name of the game is. No, I'm just kidding.

[A]

Yeah. Hold on. Does that mean Bob lost two points by winning?

[B]

He. He won two points by losing.

[C]

I can. No, I can see what you're getting at, but, yeah, I won.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Anyway, how many spins is it gonna be? All right.

[B]

Two.

[C]

Two.

[B]

It could. Something could happen.

[C]

It's not. Not possible. What are you adding, Mark?

[B]

He who is immortal shall win this point.

[A]

That's just a Bob point, isn't it?

[C]

You might become immortal.

[A]

I guess so. But you're all. You'll always be immortal.

[C]

I'll say, he who is immortal. He who is immortal wins a point. So, like, if either of you also becomes immortal, it would just. We. Like. We could.

[A]

That's fair.

[C]

It could apply to more than one person. Feels fair to me. Yeah.

[A]

Hey, he's the host. He can put whoever he wants on there. We've done us points before.

[C]

Two spins. Spin number one.

[A]

I guess it was more so. Just clarifying that neither one of us is currently immortal.

[C]

It's just Bob half boy for way. Oh, that could.

[B]

That could get closer. The. It's closer.

[A]

Only three and a half down, baby.

[C]

All right, one more spin.

[B]

Don't call it a comeback.

[C]

Most impressions does.

[B]

Hello, My baby, hello, my honey.

[A]

Does that count as an impression of the frog? That does it.

[C]

That's true. I didn't know the lyrics, but I did the voice.

[A]

You did it more times than me because you did it the last time to win.

[B]

Yeah, because it would have been Bob did it first and then wave them, Bob. Then wave them, Bob. Bob finished it. So, yeah, technically, you did that impression more.

[A]

Yeah. Is that the only impression we did?

[B]

That's a plus one for Bob. And that'll wrap it up at a solid, commanding nine points.

[A]

Doubled my score.

[B]

Yeah, almost. Well, actually, no, literally. Yeah. With that half, it is exactly double. Not too far in numerical points, but, you know, know, that was a very.

[A]

Strong, strong finish after a first few really good seasons. Man, I'm. This is not my. My season. This is you guys.

[B]

I mean. Well, we got it. You won all the other ones, so we gotta catch up sometime.

[A]

But, man, my back was starting to hurt. But good to see you guys succeed.

[B]

All right, Wade, you get your loser speech in.

[A]

Listen, I may have lost. I lost outright. I deserve to lose, but. But I feel like a winner seeing my friends succeed and host and use up all their ideas. Finally, because I've been out for ages with all of my winning, I won so much, I didn't know what to do anymore. So it's nice to kick back, relax, and see the others get to work a little bit.

[B]

Thank you. Wait, Bob.

[C]

These episodes always turned out fun. I always have a good time. Feels good to win an episode that was also really fun to do. So I'm just having a great day, you know.

[A]

You won the coin flip, too.

[C]

I know. I became immortal. It was pretty. I.

[B]

It was pretty funny.

[C]

This was really funny bits. This is a heck of an episode.

[A]

This is your greatest day ever. As far as episodes go. I mean, it couldn't go much better than being immortal and winning.

[C]

I mean, we're gonna have to see how the immortal thing plays out, but, like, I have a lot of faith in that. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, it's backed by the guarantee of the listeners, so. And the viewers.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

Probably. So you can take that to the bank, and you guys can take this episode to the bank and show the tellers there. When you share distractible with a random stranger in your life, be sure to follow the podcast and make everyone around you that you don't know follow it as well. And if they already follow it, make them follow again. You can make multiple accounts. Listen twice.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I told you to do that. Follow these guys wherever they may be. My scrim. Lord Mania 779 Mark also known as Markiplier thank you again for listening and or watching. Podcast out watch new episodes on Spotify.