Divergent Conversations – Episode 124 Summary

Epiphanies and Apologies: Processing Life After Autism and ADHD Discovery
Release Date: September 19, 2025
Hosts: Dr. Megan Anna Neff (B) & Patrick Casale (A)

Overview

This episode explores the emotional aftermath of discovering one’s own neurodivergence—specifically Autism and ADHD—as an adult. Dr. Neff and Patrick reflect on how self-discovery has reshaped their understanding of past relationships, social struggles, and personal experiences as AuDHD (Autistic and ADHD) individuals. They candidly discuss the “epiphany” moments, the urge to issue apologies, and the complex ongoing process of recontextualizing their lives through this new lens.

The hosts also unpack the practicalities, challenges, and emotional turbulence of sorting through personal histories, relationships, and self-concept following diagnosis or self-identification.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Series Structure: Real-time Neurodivergent Processing

• The episode is the second recorded in a new series about the arc of self-discovery in Autism and ADHD, focusing on the emotional aftermath.
• Both hosts display hallmark ND traits—out-of-sequence recording, feeling overwhelmed by organizational chaos, and humor about these quirks.
  [02:28] B: "We're doing a very ADHD in that we're bopping around... our brains are going to have a lot of fun with us."
• The process of unpacking post-discovery is nonlinear, messy, and full of associative leaps.

2. The “Aha!” Season: Epiphanies & Emotional Firestorms

• Both Megan and Patrick describe an intense initial phase after discovery, marked by constant connections and reframing of past memories.
  [04:06] B: "My brain just felt on fire... so many associations... every experience would be like, oh my gosh, it's this thing. It's not that."
• Megan expresses nostalgia and excitement for community members in this “electric” phase of insight—a mix of joy, clarity, and grief.
• Both regret not journaling or documenting these frequent revelations.

3. Replaying & Reinterpreting Social and Romantic Experiences

• Patrick shares examples of missed signals and awkward misunderstandings in dating—classic in autistic experience with social nuance.
  [06:06] A: "Dating apps are also really confusing... context can definitely be missed... being direct... or misreading the passivity of conversation..."

• Notable Anecdote: Patrick missed an obvious flirt, moving away when a date put her leg on his, thinking she needed space.

• Megan relates, especially regarding alexithymia and the assumption that actions (not words) signal feelings.

• Both laugh at the universal ND struggle—assuming intentions are obvious, missing nonverbal cues, and the tendency towards literal interpretation.
  [07:34] A: “I just thought that was implied because we went on a date. So I didn't know I had to communicate that explicitly.”

• Megan reflects on how autistic men can be misperceived as harassing due to lack of social cue perception, while also highlighting the double-edged vulnerability ND people face when applying “learned” social skills without real-time context.
  [10:08] B: “I've heard unfortunate stories... where more often... autistic men will be accused of harassment because they keep asking someone out... just kept asking... because they weren't getting a clear response.”

4. Recontextualizing & Apologizing for the Past

• Patrick describes feeling compelled to reach out to old friends and exes with newfound context—sometimes to their confusion or indifference.
• This is likened to both a recovery “amends” step and a neurodivergent attempt to offer honest explanations.
  [16:33] A: “Probably to some people's frustration... I was just wanting to just offer context which might have been too autistic of an experience for some people.”
• Both recognize the importance—but also the limits—of contextual apologies:
  • Sometimes these are needed for the individual’s clarity more than for the recipient’s closure.
  • Not everyone wants, needs, or welcomes these explanations.
• Quote [18:53] B: “Sometimes you need to just verbalize it or communicate it or write it down for yourself or share it with your therapist or like much healthier outlets and mechanisms sometimes.”

5. The Messiness & Emotional Labor of Reorganization

• Megan uses the metaphor of pulling open all the drawers in a dresser, making things messier before they’re organized. This illustrates the emotional and psychological mess that post-discovery sorting brings. [21:07] B: “When you are decluttering through looking through your past, it might feel like your dresser drawer is open and clothes are all over the floor.”
• Patrick describes preferring to simply throw things out, and the challenge of not being able to do that with his own emotional history.
  [23:08] A: “I declutter by eliminating or removing... But that doesn’t work for this process.”

6. Revisiting Painful “Drawers” from the Past

• Patrick’s major revisited “drawers”: ages 8-12 isolation and college/gambling struggles.
• Megan’s “drawers”: recurring themes of outsider status in groups, confusion over peripheral placement, and sensory struggles in intimate relationships and parenting. [29:28] B: “Why do I always end up feeling on the outside... not seeing how they’re getting closer... not seeing what's happening.”
• Both highlight how sensory issues, undiagnosed ND, and relationship or touch struggles impacted family and romantic bonds.

7. Relationship Dynamics: Special Interest, Attachment, and OCD

• Both hosts explore the trifecta: relationship OCD, avoidant attachment style, and undiagnosed autism/sensory issues making relationships especially hard.
• Megan discusses the pattern where people became “special interests,” and once novelty faded, avoidant and sensory discomforts returned, ending relationships quickly.
• Patrick relates to “deep dives” into attachment theory pre-discovery, searching for explanations.
  [35:19] B: “Is that why we connect or do we connect despite that?”

8. Shifts in Identity and the Ongoing Presence of the ND Lens

• Discovery brings both immediate overwhelm and eventual intentionality to relationships and life choices.
• Megan reflects on how viewing everything through the ND lens is a phase; over time, it remains a filter but becomes less overwhelmingly central.
  [45:33] B: “I will say it’s still a lens, but it’s not like the lens in the same way it was the first two or three years... now more multiple lens... holding the lens more gently.”
• Both recognize some people will find this focus excessive or an “excuse,” but see it as a natural developmental stage.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Chaos Post-Discovery:
  [04:06] B: “My brain just felt on fire in the sense of I was having so many associations... what just felt like electric aha moments.”
• On Missed Flirt Signals in Dating:
  [08:15] A: “I know I gave her like an awkward, like, pat on the shoulder and just like wandered off as quickly as I could to my car. And she was like, ‘What the hell, dude?’ I was like standing in front of you… and you just like, ran away. And I was like, I did not. I didn’t get it. So sorry.”
• On Apologizing with Context:
  [16:33] A: “Probably to some people's frustration, I'm sure girlfriends from freshman year of college were like off, dude, like, I don't want to hear from you... I just wanted to offer context, which might have been too autistic of an experience for some people.”
• On Decluttering the Past:
  [21:07] B: “When you are decluttering through looking through your past, it might feel like your dresser drawer is open and clothes are like all over the floor… messy stage where clothes are everywhere and we’re like, what the hell is going on?”
• On Family Gatherings & Sensory Struggles:
  [33:15] A: “...me not wanting to go to her very large, loving family gatherings that occur so often and not understanding how to communicate that... I would feel so ashamed and almost hurt... But I didn’t intend to, I just my face didn’t give you or my body didn’t react in a way that you anticipated.”
• On Identity Integration:
  [45:33] B: “I will say it’s still a lens, but it’s not like the lens in the same way it was the first two or three years... but it kind of needs to be front and center in those first seasons because you are reimagining so much of your past through this new lens.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:28] ADHD/Autistic processing of episode recording order and planning
• [04:06] Early months post-discovery—continuous “aha” moments
• [06:06–12:15] Revisiting dating and relationship miscommunications as NDs
• [14:13–18:53] Guilt, apologies, and “context dumping” to people from the past
• [21:07–24:58] The “dresser metaphor”—emotional mess of post-discovery organization
• [28:06–33:35] Revisiting childhood, group dynamics, and sensory family life
• [35:12–39:58] Trifecta of relationship OCD, attachment, and neurodivergence in relationships
• [41:15–45:33] The ever-present ND lens—balancing identity, explanation, and integration

Final Thoughts

Patrick and Megan candidly explore the reorganization and reframing that comes after late-life discovery of Autism and ADHD. Their conversation is both vulnerable and validating, providing language and perspective for listeners new to, or deep in, the process of re-understanding their histories through a neurodivergent lens.

Upcoming: a discussion on revisiting history through the ADHD lens, as the series continues.

Connect:

• Instagram - Divergent Conversations
• Podcast Website & Resources
• Autistic Burnout Resources

Host closing banter, sponsorships, and resource promos were omitted for summary clarity.