[encore] Aisha Tyler

Summary

Podcast Summary: Don't Ask Tig – [encore] Aisha Tyler
Hosted by Tig Notaro | Guest: Aisha Tyler | Release Date: July 10, 2024

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Introduction and Reunion

In this encore episode of Don't Ask Tig, Tig Notaro welcomes Aisha Tyler back as a special guest. The two friends reminisce about their long-standing relationship, tracing their friendship back to the late 1990s.

• Tig Notaro [00:40]: “Aisha Tyler is here with me today. She does everything, literally everything. She acts, she writes, she directs, she hosts, She's a stand up.”
• Aisha Tyler [01:36]: “God, takes so long. Okay, so this is the question. This is how we'll figure this out.”

They discuss their first meeting at Little Frida's coffee shop in West Hollywood, highlighting how their shared passion for performance and community brought them together.

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Aisha's Love for Action and Westerns

Aisha delves into her enthusiasm for the action and western genres, linking it to her childhood experiences and personal identity.

• Aisha Tyler [03:52]: “It remains my favorite. I mean, I like lots of different movies, but I love. I love action and I love westerns.”
• Aisha Tyler [04:08]: “I was just a really nerdy kid and, like, played alone for most of my childhood. You know, I was like an outsider from the very beginning.”

Tig encourages Aisha to explore directing in the action genre, particularly mentioning Star Trek: Discovery.

• Tig Notaro [05:11]: “You should come. I've landed on the Star Trek Discovery show. You should come direct an episode of that.”
• Aisha Tyler [05:17]: “Oh, I'd love that. That would be amazing.”

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Navigating Family and Political Differences

The conversation shifts to handling familial relationships strained by differing political beliefs, especially in the context of media influence.

• Listener Sandy [06:22]: “My parents are almost 80 and super isolated and have started watching nothing but Fox News. In the last election, we didn't talk for about four months. How can I maintain a loving relationship when I disagree with the ugly stuff that comes out of their mouths?”

Aisha offers compassionate strategies for bridging the generational and ideological gaps:

• Aisha Tyler [07:00]: “You have to fight disinformation with information. And get in, I think, through other avenues that aren't so directly involved with politics and social issues.”
• Aisha Tyler [08:53]: “Fox News... is like the sugar fat salt of news. They figured out the right combination of ingredients to just completely... induce stories to rivet people and... make them be frightened.”

Tig and Aisha emphasize the importance of appealing to shared humanity and providing tangible, positive interactions beyond political discourse.

• Tig Notaro [12:36]: “Sandy, you're not alone right now. Hang in there and listen to everything that dirty old hippie Aisha Tyler said.”
• Aisha Tyler [09:45]: “... introduce them to your queer friends and get them to understand that this is a person, a fully complex human being.”

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Managing Relationship Dynamics: Urban vs. Rural Living

Listener Juliet poses a dilemma about balancing her desire to live in the country with her girlfriend's preference for city life.

• Juliet [15:01]: “Cities are fine, but I don't want to live in one. My girlfriend lives in the city, and I'm 30 minutes away in the country. I like land and room to roam free. Am I being selfish by not wanting to move in with her and give up my country quarters?”

Tig offers practical advice on maintaining separate living spaces while nurturing the relationship.

• Tig Notaro [15:46]: “You could alternate weekends, spend one week in the country, one week in the city.”
• Aisha Tyler [20:01]: “Nothing should be done, because no one really feels compelled. So to me, like, that the offer or the solution that Tig offered is perfect because both keep your places.”

They discuss the importance of creating personal spaces within each other's homes to preserve individual identities.

• Tig Notaro [21:22]: “Set up your own little area in each other's home so you have a little special sitting area...”

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Addressing the "Karen" Name Concern

Listener Karen reaches out about the stigma associated with her name, which has become a cultural meme.

• Karen [22:07]: “My name is Karen. Should I change my name?”

Aisha and Tig respond with humor and empathy, differentiating individual identities from stereotypes.

• Aisha Tyler [22:21]: “Change your name, Karen. And don't take this the wrong way. If you fit some of the other prototypical characteristics of the archetype of Karen...”
• Tig Notaro [23:00]: “Karen Kilgariff is Karen. But she's so not a Karen.”

They advise embracing one's identity while acknowledging societal perceptions.

• Tig Notaro [24:09]: “You have to do the sneak surprise after you spend really concentrated time together.”

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Minimalism vs. Collecting: Navigating Shared Spaces

Listener Beth seeks advice on managing differing levels of minimalism within her relationship.

• Beth [27:17]: “I'm not strictly a minimalist, but I love having just one of everything. My girlfriend has about four of everything... Is there any other way to get her to downsize some of her stuff?”

Aisha and Tig discuss strategies for compromising and understanding each other's attachment to belongings.

• Aisha Tyler [28:10]: “Sometimes people's emotional attachment to things feel so grand that they can't see that... it's keeping them from being high functioning.”
• Tig Notaro [30:24]: “Lay them all out on a table and have her tell you about each mug and what the attachment is.”

They suggest gradual downsizing and fostering emotional conversations about possessions.

• Aisha Tyler [30:26]: “Let her slowly realize that these emotional attachments were a little irrational because she was creating a space around herself that felt safe.”

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Aisha's Entrepreneurial Venture: Sierra, Curge and Stone

Aisha shares insights into her cocktail company, highlighting its growth and philanthropic efforts.

• Aisha Tyler [33:35]: “This company that I started that launched the Sierra, Curge and Stone, that is a cocktail company. It's a ready to drink cocktail company... We launched in January... order cocktails to your home.”
• Aisha Tyler [35:27]: “Courage and stone dot com. If you want to have old fashions and Manhattan sent directly to your home.”

She emphasizes the challenges and successes of launching a female-led business in the spirits industry.

• Aisha Tyler [35:15]: “I think what we saw in Georgia was so important because that state turned because people organized and they got new voters out and they communicated...”

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Closing Thoughts and Advice

As the episode concludes, Tig and Aisha reflect on resilience and perseverance, sharing personal anecdotes and words of encouragement.

• Aisha Tyler [36:43]: “From my mom, just to be perseverant. And from my dad, keep your grades and your drives up.”
• Tig Notaro [37:14]: “Just gotta keep showing up. It's really, really Incredible how far you can get if you just don't quit.”

They encourage listeners to stay committed to their paths and maintain optimism despite challenges.

• Aisha Tyler [37:54]: “...there are more good people than bad people in this country.”

Tig and Aisha sign off by expressing gratitude for their enduring friendship and the opportunity to support and inspire their audience.

• Tig Notaro [38:02]: “Thank you, thank you, thank you for doing the show.”
• Aisha Tyler [38:17]: “It was awesome. Much I want you to know...”

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Notable Quotes

• Aisha Tyler [07:00]: “...fight disinformation with information.”
• Aisha Tyler [22:21]: “If you fit some of the other prototypical characteristics of the archetype of Karen...”
• Aisha Tyler [36:43]: “Keep your grades and your drives up.”

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Conclusion

This heartfelt and insightful encore episode showcases the deep connection between Tig Notaro and Aisha Tyler. Through personal stories and thoughtful advice, they address a range of topics from maintaining relationships amidst political divides to navigating personal spaces and embracing one's passions. Listeners are left with actionable advice and a sense of camaraderie, reinforcing the supportive spirit that defines Don't Ask Tig.

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For more episodes and to submit your own questions, visit dontasktig.org or call 832-75-8444 (8-3-3-ASK-TIG4).

Transcript

[Tig Notaro]

The Quarter Pounder with cheese had many great things. Maple flavored griddle cakes isn't one of them. McDonald's breakfast comes first.

[Aisha Tyler]

Ba da ba ba ba.

[Tig Notaro]

Hey, Danas and Beckys. What you're about to hear is an encore presentation of one of our favorite episodes from the Don't Ask Tig archives. Please enjoy. I was gonna say, how do two people that meet at a lesbian coffee shop 23 years ago end up in the action world? But I kind of makes sense.

[Aisha Tyler]

It does. It makes perfect sense. I can draw a very bright and direct line from there.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, no more questions. This is Don't Ask Tig. I'm Tig Notaro, begging you all to keep your questions to yourselves. Aisha Tyler is here with me today. She does everything, literally everything. She acts, she writes, she directs, she hosts, She's a stand up. Aisha, how long would you guess we've known each other?

[Aisha Tyler]

God, takes so long. Okay, so this is the question. This is how we'll figure this out.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Aisha Tyler]

I think we met doing that, like, lady slash queer show in West Hollywood.

[Tig Notaro]

At Little Frida's coffee shop.

[Aisha Tyler]

Right, Little Frida's. But then in my head, I. I'm like, did I meet her in San Francisco before that?

[Tig Notaro]

I know I look like you met me in San Francisco, but you didn't. I met you for sure at Little Frida's. And in fact, I remember you were hosting, and it was a women's lineup of standup, and I worked at the coffee shop and I got the job there behind the counter because I wanted to get on stage there.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

And I had just moved to town and I didn't know how to meet people, and I thought that'd be a perfect way to meet people. I was right. You were correct. Yeah, I remember you were hosting. I have this on film. Oh, my God. I videotaped this. You were hosting. And Kato Kaelin dropped in to work out his OJ bit.

[Aisha Tyler]

I blacked all of that out. But yes, that track's absolutely.

[Tig Notaro]

I have that somewhere.

[Aisha Tyler]

That's amazing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, that was a really good.

[Aisha Tyler]

I mean, I don't know if it was a good. I don't know if it was a good room, if you, like, graded on kind of classic criteria. But I do remember that it was a very warm room.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, there was a vibe there.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah, it was a good vibe. And people worked out and, you know, people came and it was, like, kind of cute and fun and.

[Tig Notaro]

And then I went out of business. My friend Kathleen, who owned the place, I said, What? Why is it going out of business? And she said, well, you know, you do the numbers, but on my end, lesbians coming in and splitting a pot of tea and chatting for four hours isn't going to keep the place afloat.

[Aisha Tyler]

We'll take one muffin between the three of us. Thank you very much.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, but, yeah, I think it's been like 23 or 24 years. I moved here in 96. 97. So I probably met you in 97. Yeah, that's.

[Aisha Tyler]

Isn't that wild?

[Tig Notaro]

And what's really wild is what I learned about you in recent years from doing podcasts with you and chatting, is that you are fully into the whole action TV film genre that's in that your favorite. It is your thing.

[Aisha Tyler]

It remains my favorite. Yeah. I mean, I like lots of different movies, but I love. I love action and I love westerns and I. And I. And it's funny because I feel like. I think it's that thing of, like, I was just a really nerdy kid and, like, played alone for most of my childhood.

[Tig Notaro]

You're raised by your dad, is that right?

[Aisha Tyler]

I was. My parents separated when I was 10 and raised me, but I was also, like, just a really tall. My parents were hippies. They. We were vegetarian. We lived in an ashram for a while. They didn't believe in television. So I just was like an outsider from the very beginning. And, you know, and so, like, those.

[Tig Notaro]

An outsider that ends up on Friends.

[Aisha Tyler]

Well, you know, being a recurring character on an international hit is the best revenge. But, I mean, you know, I. You know, I was just. I was like a pariah when I was a kid. You know, I got bullied and I used to, you know, sit behind my school and read, you know, during lunch break, you know, in the dark. And so, like, it was this little. Like, there was this sliver of space between my grade school building and the fence to the next property, and it was, like, you know, kind of cool. And. And so I feel like I love those things because, you know, it's there. Like, every little kid wants to be a hero, but little nerds really want to be a hero. They really want to, like, stop other kids from getting beaten up and be strong enough to punch the bad guy in the mouth when he's mean. So I think that's why I always loved that stuff, you know, as a kid.

[Tig Notaro]

You should come. I've landed on the Star Trek Discovery show. You should come direct an episode of that.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, I'd love that. That would be amazing. I love I mean, I'm a huge. I'm also a huge sci fi kid because, like I said, my parents didn't believe in television, so I just was an insane reader. Like, I read all the time, and I was just a fantasy in. Sci fi was all I cared about. So, yeah, that'd be amazing. That's so fun.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, I'm just a recurring character.

[Aisha Tyler]

Best Revenge, as we just established to.

[Tig Notaro]

Be recurring, reoccurring character. Yes. I love popping in, popping out. That's my thing. My agent will call and say a role came in for you, but I'll warn you, it's for one day. And I'm like, I'll take it. Like, there's one line. I'm like, perfect.

[Aisha Tyler]

I'd like all the excitement and none of the obligation.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, Aisha, I need some of your help. And the first question is something a lot of people are dealing with right now. Are you ready to.

[Aisha Tyler]

I'm so ready. I'm very ready.

[Tig Notaro]

We got to help people. We got to be superheroes.

[Aisha Tyler]

See this? This is our own version of heroism here. We're going to help some people with some soft, soft personal problems.

[Tig Notaro]

Not all of them are soft. Okay, good.

[Aisha Tyler]

Hard person problems. That's even better.

[Tig Notaro]

It's a mix. It's. Some of it's nonsense, some of it's rough. Let's see what's what. Sandy writes, my parents are almost 80 and super isolated and have started watching nothing but Fox News.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, no.

[Tig Notaro]

In the last election, we didn't talk for about four months. Given that I've limited time with them, how can I maintain a loving relationship when I disagree with the ugly stuff that comes out of their mouths? I'm beyond arguing and honestly, heartbroken. Any ideas?

[Aisha Tyler]

Man, you know, this is such a tough one.

[Tig Notaro]

Because it's really tough.

[Aisha Tyler]

Older people generally become so calcified in their worldview, and, you know, one of the things that Fox News does very well is scare the shit out of vulnerable people. And that's why it's so persuasive, because they terrify old people who, you know, not to be ageist, but getting older, it makes you frightened. You know, my dad was a huge hard ass when I was growing up, and he was a loving guy. Like, very, very loving. But, like the kind of guy that would go into a neighborhood fight between two kids and, like, break it up. He was, like, a badass guy.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Aisha Tyler]

And. And I noticed him becoming much more anxious about being safe outside and on the street and when he drives, and I think that's just a natural function of getting older and being aware of your mortality. They're just, you know, they've built up a life for themselves. They're worried about their own security, not just their little physical security, but this kind of greater kind of cultural security that they've believed that they had. And that's why Fox is so effective in scaring them. And so I always feel like, you know, yelling and arguing and even telling them that it makes you sad probably isn't gonna be effective. You have to fight disinformation with information.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Aisha Tyler]

And.

[Tig Notaro]

And get in, I think, through other avenues that aren't so directly involved with politics and social issues.

[Aisha Tyler]

I had a friend whose father. This is pre Fox, pre Maga, but this was a long time ago who was one of those guys who was like, I don't care what anybody says. America's the greatest country in the world. And I was like, look, I mean, I think in principle, I agree with you. But he was also kind of like a real, like, you know, upstanding, you do what's right, you follow the rules kind of guy. And I said, so you're running a race against a bunch of other people, and you win, but then you find out that, like, some of them didn't have shoes and they had improper nutrition and they were starving and they didn't have anywhere to sleep. And did you really win that race? Did you win it fair and square?

[Tig Notaro]

Right.

[Aisha Tyler]

And I started. I spoke to him a lot in those kind of analogies, and it really gave him pause. I was like, this isn't about, you know, this isn't about, like, pulling this country apart. It's about making it better. It's about the idea that America is not perfect, but is perfectible. It was built as a perfectible system. That's why we have an amendable constitution. That's why we're continually revising our laws to make it a better, more inclusive place. And if you believe in fairness, then you have to believe in that. I think you have to appeal to their humanity and really find the things that. The values that they share with you. If they're homophobes, you have to introduce them to your queer friends and get them to understand that this is a person, a fully complex human being, like a wonderful person. And they. They're in their head. They've made some story up about, you know, the gay community. That's not true. And the only way to, like, counter that story is to counter it with, like, real people and real facts and real experiences.

[Tig Notaro]

Gotta Do I hear you gotta do the queer sneak surprise? Yes.

[Aisha Tyler]

Don't you love my friend? Did you know they were gay?

[Tig Notaro]

But you have to do the sneak surprise after you spend really concentrated time together. And then. Let's turn off Fox News and let me explain to you who this person really is in my life. Let's go to commercial.

[Aisha Tyler]

But if you even extrapolate it to, like, most people are driven by fear, but Fox News, make no mistake, they're like the sugar fat salt of news. Like, they figured out the right combination of ingredients to just completely.

[Tig Notaro]

God. Sugar fat.

[Aisha Tyler]

Like, that's the McDonald's thing, right? Like, the McDonald's thing is they figured out the right ratio of sugar, fat, and salt to make their food addictive. And Fox has done the same thing with news. They've just the right combination of, like, hysteria and pandering and. And. And terror. You know, inducing stories to rivet people and. And make them be frightened of people that aren't even thinking about them. No, no. Dirty hippies are coming to, like, march to your house in the Midwest and take your stuff. We. We're not interested in you. We're not thinking about you at all. Dirty hippies are really busy.

[Tig Notaro]

Are you? I'm dirty.

[Aisha Tyler]

Moderately clean. I mean, since quarantine, I gotta tell you, a lot dirtier than I used to be. Because, I mean, what's the point of showering when you never leave the house.

[Tig Notaro]

A lot dirtier than you used to be. You are not somebody that I think, well, that is a dirty person.

[Aisha Tyler]

I mean, I'm speaking metaphorically.

[Tig Notaro]

Aisha Tyler. Yes. Old dirty hippie.

[Aisha Tyler]

Growing my own zucchinis. But, you know, the hippies are not coming for your stuff. We just say, we've. We've got dope to smoke. We're not coming to your house for your guns. No one's coming.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, just relax.

[Aisha Tyler]

Relax.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, yeah. And, Sandy, you are not alone right now. This is. It's. It's a rough time. There have been rough times for a long time. This is just a new, different kind of rough time.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, I have one more thing for Sandy.

[Tig Notaro]

Ooh.

[Aisha Tyler]

He's a great writer online. He has a blog called welcome to Hell World, and he did a whole piece where he wrote about this exact subject. And then he asked people to write in about, like, family members that they had, you know, quote unquote, lost to the Fox News hole. And I think you might find that really illustrative as well, because you're just hearing that other people are going through the same thing you're going through and how they're dealing with it and how they're trying to connect with their parents, you might find it just really cathartic. So his name is Luke O'Neill, and he o1 n e I l and he did a whole piece on just this exact thing. And it just might be really comforting, if any, if nothing else.

[Tig Notaro]

And this is no offense to my previous guests, but I feel like you're the first person that's had real advice for people who write in. So, Sandy, you're not alone. Hang in there and listen to everything that dirty old hippie Aisha Tyler said.

[Aisha Tyler]

I'll be right back. I got to go eat some. Some carrot tops.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, great. We'll be right back after the break. Hey, all. I'm Jamie Lynn Sigler, a mom, actor, and advocate. I know how overwhelming it can be trying to decide which treatment is right for you. I've been there. But you should know you're not alone. You can do this. Start with some research, talk to the community, and most importantly, don't be afraid to ask your doctor questions. You might find results that speak for themselves. That's how I landed on Qysimta. Ask your doctor if Qysimpta ofatumumab could be right for you. You can check out the [e-mail] I'm.

[Aisha Tyler]

Franklin Leonard, founder of the Blacklist. We know what makes a good screenplay, but when it comes to what makes a blockbuster or a box office bomb, the truth is nobody knows anything. Including our star panel of podcast guests.

[Tig Notaro]

I was told this was a quiz program.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah, I know. Just so you know, I just said it was. Did I know it'd be writing? Ripping podcast Nobody Knows Anything Presented by fx. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway. As a parent, you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight Infinity's driving reports. Monitor their driving habits, see if they're using their phone, speeding and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety. Plus, with weekly updates, you can track their progress over time, help keep your teen safe. Sign up for Greenlight [e-mail] podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

We are back. And our next question. Aisha, are you. Are you back from your. It was.

[Aisha Tyler]

They were delicious. You know how us dirty Hippies like to eat, like, rabbit food. So I just, I had some arugula and a slice of quiche. I'm ready.

[Tig Notaro]

Listen, it's all a quiche.

[Aisha Tyler]

That's what the left wing, I guess, the bite. The coastal elites like to eat. Keith and arugula.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm, I'm glad. Okay, Aisha. Our next question is about the urban, rural divide. In a way. Juliet writes, cities are fine, but I don't want to live in one. My girlfriend lives in the city, and I'm 30 minutes away in the country. I like land and room to roam free. It's part of who I am. Am I being selfish by not wanting to move in with her and give up my country quarters? Well, this, to me, I have to say, this is a common case of country mouse. City mouse city. And in fact, that's what my, my wife calls me. Country mouse. Because I put my little straw hat.

[Aisha Tyler]

On and you chew your, your stock of wheat.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, no, I just wander around the backyard. But, you know, I, I, I grew up in Mississippi and Texas and, and a lot of water and boats and motorcycles and drinking bottled root beer in the back of a pickup truck and what have you. I'm a sophisticated country mouse. I have to say. We got married in my small town of Mississippi, and my family through the wedding so great. And all my east and west coast friends flew in to see what a small town Mississippi wedding would be like, and they all left. It was wonderful texting, saying, how do I buy a place down here?

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah. Oh, that's great. That's great.

[Tig Notaro]

I think. Yeah, it's, I, I feel very lucky. And my cousin is part of the Catholic church, and he married us, and he got kicked out of the church, and he said he knew he would be, and, and he said it was worth it.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, that's incredible.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Aisha Tyler]

Well, you know, if they don't. No, I don't want anybody that doesn't want me. That, that would be my unsolicited advice to your cousin. He knew what was up. That's so great. I mean, I think you're right. Like, wasn't it. This is going back that, like Harvey Milk talking about, the idea of living an actualized life is that, you know, people. And I think this applies to almost any bigots that, like, you know, a big function of bigotry is that they claim to or don't know anybody that's different than them. And so they're able to reinforce a certain set of stereotypes just by the, like, virtue of the fact that like, they're not being exposed to different people. And, you know, his whole point was, if everybody came out, then there's nobody in the world who could say they didn't know a gay person, because they. Because everybody does. Everybody has somebody that they actually deeply care about who's queer. And, of course, it's up to the person to decide when they come out. But that. That function of living an actualized life and showing everybody that, you know you're going to be who you are, it forces them into the light as well. It forces them to step in the light with you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And I think, actually, as silly as it sounds, Country Mouse can force City Mouse into the light with them, or City Mouse can force Country Mouse into the light with them. Because I have to tell you, my wife grew up in New York and California, and when we got together and I said, I am from Mississippi, she said, I just picture people barefoot. And I said, I appreciate the compliment, but my family is civilized. And the funny twist with a fire and wheels. Yeah, the funny twist to it. And I'm embarrassed to say this, because it's on my HBO special, but I talk about how when my girlfriend was flying into New Orleans, which is the airport near my hometown, my family got in this huge passenger van to drive from Mississippi to New Orleans to pick her up and to meet her and come back home with us. And we had been in the French Quarter all day, and their feet were tired, so they got in the van, they took their shoes off, and you can drink in the. In the cars there. And they had a cooler, and they were just partying down the road to go get Stephanie. And I got her, and. And I was walking out of the airport with her, and there were all my relatives waving wildly, saying, hi. And she said, is that. Is that your family? And I said, yeah, it is. And they had taken the cooler out on the side of the, you know, passenger pickup, and they had taken their shoes off. They were all barefoot. So it came around full, full circle. But anyway, I. I think, you know, I don't know about the moving in or. Or that you have to give something up. And I've also read a lot about how so many couples have been enjoying, you know, separate residences where you can live separately during the week and you alternate weekends. And it kind of keeps.

[Aisha Tyler]

Really. This is really good advice, Tig, because I'm not going to go that way at all. And I think that is good advice that you could have, like, a city house and a country home.

[Tig Notaro]

And you can.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah, you could alternate.

[Tig Notaro]

There's something really, I think, beautiful to checking out, really finding interest in where somebody's from or what feels good to them.

[Aisha Tyler]

Well, I also think that you hit on something really interesting, which is kind of the larger issue of, like, I know not to be, like, a weird traditionalist. I think this is just more about relationships, period. That, like, there might be some question that this person has about, like, where their relationship is going. Right. And it might be the question. It might not be hers. It might be the girlfriend's who lives in the city. Like, if you loved me and you wanted this to be a serious relationship, you'd move in with me. But I think the fact that the girlfriend in the city isn't, isn't. It seems like there's a little bit of inflexibility on both sides, which is not a warning sign so much as, like, nothing should be done, because no one really feels compelled. No one's feeling compelled to move into the other person's place. So to me, like, that the offer or the solution that Tic offered is perfect because both. Keep your places. You could alternate weekends, spend one week in the country, one week in the city.

[Tig Notaro]

It's amazing. It's perfect.

[Aisha Tyler]

But it does seem like there's some inflexibility with someone being like, well, the only way this is going to go forward is if you drop your life and accommodate mine. And I think that that's a larger conversation to be, not in a negative way. It's just relationships are always. There's always, like, a lot of negotiating. Right. There's, like, always a lot of navigating. And, you know, that's a big part of relationship, is like, what am I willing to give up? What am I. What do I have to hold on to?

[Tig Notaro]

And, you know, it might be nice is I don't know how big these people's places are, whether it's an apartment or a home. But it might be nice to kind of set up your own little area in each other's home so you have a little special sitting area or a special room or maybe a swing that you like to sit in.

[Aisha Tyler]

Just something that feels like it's yours so you don't feel like you're out of water.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Somewhere you can go and spend your country or city mouse time in.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Listen, good luck, Juliet. Turns out Aisha and I are really good match here with advice.

[Aisha Tyler]

Very complimentary.

[Tig Notaro]

Very complimentary, Aisha. The next question is from a listener whose name has been in the news lately. It's Karen. Karen's been in the news a lot. Karen writes. Yeah.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. God, she's so famous.

[Tig Notaro]

She is. She says, my name is Karen. Should I change my name? I think about this a lot. I feel bad for people named Karen because I only think that you should.

[Aisha Tyler]

Change your name, Karen. And don't take this the wrong way. If you fit some of the other prototypical characteristics of the archetype of Karen. Like, I have a friend whose Japanese. Her name is Karen. And I'm like, no. No one's ever gonna mistake you for an actual Karen. Right, right, right.

[Tig Notaro]

I know. And then I think about Karen Kilgariff.

[Aisha Tyler]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's pretty frustrated. But she's a comic, so she can leverage it, like, Right.

[Tig Notaro]

But she can dig a Karen. But she's so not a Karen.

[Aisha Tyler]

No, she's not a Karen.

[Tig Notaro]

I was saying that to Stephanie the other day. I was like. It just dawned on me. Karen Kilgariff is Karen. It's really. It's really a situation that Karens have found themselves in that are not.

[Aisha Tyler]

You should blame your parents, because there's never going to be. No one's ever going to, you know, march with a sign that says, you know, like, tig needs to talk to the manager. So I just feel like this was a failure of your parents part.

[Tig Notaro]

If I do need to talk to.

[Aisha Tyler]

The manager, you'd obviously request to talk to the manager in a form.

[Tig Notaro]

And I have to say, respectful tone. When I do. This is a little bit that I do that amuses me. I do ask to talk to managers when I used to go out to restaurants, and they would come up, or the. Or the waiter would say, can I tell them what this is about? And I would say, yes, you can tell them that. Every Wednesday, I drive down to this restaurant. This is. This is my spot. I come to this restaurant, I sit in the seat. Every week, I order the same meal, and by God, it is delicious.

[Aisha Tyler]

I love that so much. I know people are.

[Tig Notaro]

And they're looking at me like.

[Aisha Tyler]

Like, being nice is very confusing to people, and they don't know how to handle it. Like, if you just.

[Tig Notaro]

But I like to deliver it. They're confusing.

[Aisha Tyler]

Compliment. Yeah. Like, was I getting. Am I getting fired?

[Tig Notaro]

What's that? And they're like, wait, nothing's wrong. And I'm like, absolutely not. This person done it again. I love it. And I will be back again. I will be back next job.

[Aisha Tyler]

You're cheery, friendly, hospitable.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, well, Karen, good luck. To you and all the Karens out there. Aisha, our last listener question is about stuff. Would you consider yourself a minimalist, or do you like.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yes. I mean, I think I'm a minimalist. A few years ago, I moved into a really small apartment, like, really tiny. And I got rid of most of my stuff. And then now, like, you know, I've accumulated stuff again. But. Yeah, not in the same way. You know? I mean, this. My place is kind of cavernous and has, like, three chairs. I would like people to be deeply uncomfortable when they come to my home so that they won't stay. Do you know what I mean? I want them to be like, there's nowhere to sit.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm like, that's like, really?

[Aisha Tyler]

No. But I don't. I don't know. I just. I grew up with. I grew up with not a lot of stuff, and.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Aisha Tyler]

And I. So I don't find things I like. I want experiences. I want to spend my money on experiences. You know, like having a house full of things I find to be burdensome.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Aisha Tyler]

If I have to make a break for it, what if I have to grab the go bag and bug out? You know what I mean? I don't want to be worried about my credenza.

[Tig Notaro]

I used to be like that. And not that I am like, oh, I love stuff, but it's hard, you know, getting married, having kids and just kind of.

[Aisha Tyler]

It's the kids, though. It's not getting married. It's absolutely the kids.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it's getting married, too.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah. Well, you get married, you get gifts, and, you know, you're merging your households and you're decorating a place and that stuff. But if you want to just multiply your shit by, you know, an order of, like, 10 to the nth power. Get children. Cause there's just no way to. You cannot raise kids without a bunch of, like, tools and accoutrements and bing bings and this thing that's that, like, to me, that's, like the catalyzing thing where all of sudden people have, like, a lot of junk.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Stephanie's really good at when, you know, she'll. She'll come in and she'll be like, wow, they're watching TV this afternoon. I'm gonna go clean out their room and just throw everything in the Goodwill bag and. And they. And they never know when something's missing. And she does the same thing with.

[Aisha Tyler]

With you. She's like, take. Now that you're riveted to the Bachelorette, I'm gonna go Throw away.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yes. She caught me watching the Bachelorette. But I learned the other night that she does this really interesting, funny thing with the boys when she wants to shorten TV time. It's so funny and a little cruel and sad, but it's funny.

[Aisha Tyler]

If you can't manipulate your kids, what's the point of having them, really?

[Tig Notaro]

When they leave the room to get a toy or go to the bathroom, she fast forwards their TV show. She sneaks and fast forwards, and then they come back in and they have no idea. They just keep watching. And then it wraps up very quickly. And then we're like, all right, it's time for bath. You know, this was the last episode we were watching. So that's kind of some advice for somebody listening.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You know?

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Okay. To get back to the question of stuff, okay, here's a message we got from a listener named Beth.

[Aisha Tyler]

I recently moved in with my girlfriend.

[Tig Notaro]

After living alone for seven years. I'm not strictly a minimalist, but I love having just one of everything. My girlfriend has about four of everything. Four spatulas, exactly the same, four sets of towels, and truly, at least 35 coffee mugs. I've asked her if we can downsize.

[Aisha Tyler]

Some of her stuff so that some.

[Tig Notaro]

Of my stuff can be used, and she says she's genuinely attached to these things. Is there any other way to get her to downsize some of her stuff? Or how can I go about not.

[Aisha Tyler]

Being overwhelmed by her stuff? That's so hard because, first of all, I am a minimalist in that way. And as we were discussing before, I am the kind of person who will, like. Like, I. You know, an ongoing and never resolved issue with my ex was that he had this favorite bowl that had, like, a melted hole inside of it. And I just, like, one day was like, this is not a bowl anymore. I threw it away. Irreconcilable differences followed. So, you know, sometimes, like, sometimes people's emotional attachment to things feel so grand that they can't see that, like, having so much stuff is, like, keeping them from being high functioning. Like, I really feel like. I feel like this in life, too. Like, the fewer options you have, the better you are at leveraging the options available to you. But you can really get stuck with a lot of stuff. I also just personally, like, can't function if there's, like, crap everywhere. Like, I'm probably a minimalist and also a little ocd. So, like, I never leave dishes in the sink. I can't go to bed. Like, I can't go to bed with like a cabinet sitting half open. And so I maybe waste a little bit of time doing all that stuff. But I can't be creative if my space is like, you know, kind of clean space. Clean mind is my vibe. And I think that it seems like it's really bothering you and that might be affecting your own kind of peace of mind. So I wonder if rather than getting rid of everything all at once, she would be amenable to you arranging the place in a different way. Like picking the set of towels that are most beautiful, picking the set of mugs that are most beautiful, even if it's a collection of mugs. But it's like her eight favorite mugs and putting the rest of the stuff away somewhere. So she could just live in a space with just those options available to her for a limited amount of time and see if she finds that when she looks in the cabinet and there's just eight mugs, she can pick out her favorite mug right away and see if she feels better. Because the fact of the matter is that when things are tidy, people are happier.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I mean, some people, but yes, I. I think also what I immediately pictured was sitting down with somebody that has these emotional connections. Sit down with the 35 mugs. That's what I'm picturing. Lay them all out on a table and have her tell you about each mug and what the attachment is. What, what are maybe the most special ones that would be nice to keep in the cabinet. And as far as the, the spatulas and the towels, I mean, if she has an emotional attachment to spatulas that are the exact same, there might be.

[Aisha Tyler]

A larger issue to work out here.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, there. There's something else going on.

[Aisha Tyler]

It's a really good thing. Like, if you like, like that's such a good suggestion. Take like if you took all the mugs and she got to tell you a story about each of the mugs, like, first of all, she's kind of reliving some emotional attachment in what will probably be just a nice, nostalgic, pleasant way. But what you'll also start to see is that some of her emotional attachments are probably ridiculous. Like, without beating up on your girlfriend. Like, I went through this with my mom. Like, my mom used to live in a giant, like a four story Victorian home. And then she downsized slowly to an apartment. And I had to really do that with her. She was very attached to every little item, everything. And it started to honestly feel a little bit like my sister and I were Berating her, you know, like, mom, this is crazy. She had, like, 19 black turtlenecks. And she's like, well, they're all a little different. I'm like, this is. I was like, but when is the last time you've worn them? And it had been, you know, many, many, many years. But she's like, but I might. But I'm like, but you won't. I mean, we really did. We were never fighting, but I, I.

[Tig Notaro]

We'Ve never seen you in a turtle.

[Aisha Tyler]

In my adult life. You know, it was there, there was some cruelty to it, but, but when we just went through everything and said, okay, let's just talk about how you use this item and if you use this item, that she slowly realized that these emotional attachments were a little irrational because she was, you know, she was creating. What she wanted to do was create a space around herself that fe safe. Her things made her feel safe. And then what we did was we donated everything so that she didn't feel like we were throwing it in the garbage. And I always say, like, the way to think about this thing is you love it, but someone else much less fortunate than you is going to be able to use this thing, and they'll get life out of it. But right now, it's just sitting in your cupboard, taking up space.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. And another thing, aside from donating it to people that need coffee mugs, it might be fun to gift a coffee mug to somebody special in your life, to gift several of your coffee mugs so you'll see them again. And maybe when you go to their house or for a holiday or something, you'll see your mug and it'll feel special in a whole different way to see it at Aisha's house. Right.

[Aisha Tyler]

And then Aisha, when you're gone, will donate it to charity.

[Tig Notaro]

Aisha will just throw it in the.

[Aisha Tyler]

Trash because my mugs have to match. Oh, my God.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, Beth, I, I, I look forward to hearing, I'm sure, Aisha, you do, too. Hearing an update on how you sort through these coffee mugs. But I think that, I think you can get through it just having some compassion for people's different needs and attachments or lack thereof.

[Aisha Tyler]

It's hard to understand why someone is attached to a thing when you, when you don't feel attachment to things and, and trying to really come at it from, like, I really want to learn more about you and why you feel this way about things, this stuff. And let's really talk about it. I really want to hear more about your life and, you know, or you can just harangue her like I did my mother until she got rid of all her. Which you thanked me for eventually.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, well, Aisha, those are all of our listener questions. I, I, I can't tell you how much it was beyond a joy to do this with you today. It was like. So I, I, I was, when I was getting ready, I don't know why I get ready for a. When I say get ready.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah, yeah. I ran some water through my hair. That feels right.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, sure. But I was telling Stephanie. I was like, I'm really looking forward to talking to Aisha. I mean, I've known each other for a very long time, you know, a long time. And yeah, I just think that you've done some really great, cool stuff, and I think you're always onto something exciting.

[Aisha Tyler]

I'm gonna be very shamelessly plugged. This company that I started that launched the Sierra, Curge and Stone, that is a cocktail company. It's a ready to drink cocktail company, which was really interesting. Interesting because I've been working on it for like five years. But we launched in January not knowing what this year was going to look like. And we had this huge growth because no one could go to bars, no one could leave the house, and so you could order cocktails to your home. But what was exciting about it was that, you know, it's, first of all, there's very few women in the spirit space. There's very few women of color in the spirit space. I mean, I'm one of, as far as I know, only two or three. And we also made charity a big component of our launch. So I did these little happy hours where we raised a lot of money for Covid Relief and, and for blm. So, yeah, it was a really, it was, it was a good year because I got to really focus on that, on that company. And so, yeah, Courage and stone dot com. If you want to have old fashions and Manhattan sent directly to your home.

[Tig Notaro]

And into your grubby little paws, I love it. Yeah, congrats on that.

[Aisha Tyler]

It was a fun thing. I did a lot of day drinking this year. It really was. It came in handy.

[Tig Notaro]

A lot of you boost up on your own.

[Aisha Tyler]

I mean, I was, all I was saying to everybody out there is like, this was a singular year and people were self soothing in whatever way that they could.

[Tig Notaro]

And there might, it might be a singular two years.

[Aisha Tyler]

It might be a singular decade. You know, I mean, we're not going to know. We're not, we're just not going to know what the effects of this, of the last four years are going to be on the, on the future of this country for a while.

[Tig Notaro]

For a while.

[Aisha Tyler]

You got to strap in, y'all. But I think, I don't know, you know, without making it too political, I think for those of you out there who are feeling relieved or desperate, we have to organize all the time, and not just in an election year. I think what we saw in Georgia was so important because that state turned because people organized and they got new voters out and they communicated and Stacey Abrams was forced down there. And that can be done everywhere. I really believe that there are more good people than bad people in the world.

[Tig Notaro]

And I think it gives me chills.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah. And there are more good people than bad people in this country think. Going back to the woman who's talking about the Fox parents, they can have these crazy ideas, but when you just talk to them about being human and about treating people with fairness and respect, most of us agree. And so it's just about appealing to people's humanity. And I, I really do think we can write this ship, but we're just. We got a lot of work to do, y'all.

[Tig Notaro]

We really do.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yeah. But we can do.

[Tig Notaro]

And I was going to say before we go, do you have any of the best advice you've ever received? I mean, even though that was great advice you just get, you've given phenomenal advice for this whole show, but is there something in your life where you've. You feel like, wow, that was really helpful.

[Aisha Tyler]

Along the way, I have two pieces of advice. One from. They're both from my parents, one from my mom, one from my dad. And the one for my mom is very straightforward, but I use 19 turtlenecks, 19 black turtlenecks of varying darknesses. So the one for my mom is just to be perseverant. Right. And I think, you know, now that you've been doing this as long as I have that, like, really the only trick is to not stop, just to not quit, you know, and it seems so simple. But when I was a baby comic, I remember I got a guest set with on Tom Rose's show. And afterwards I was like, you know, tell me how I can, like, get, you know, be like you and be able to tour and everything. And he's like, you just have to keep going up. And I was like, fuck you. You just don't want to tell me the secret. Like, what's it do?

[Tig Notaro]

Just gotta keep showing up. It's really, really Incredible how far you.

[Aisha Tyler]

Can get that if you just don't quit. Yeah. And then from my dad, this is a piece of advice he used to give me when I left for school when I was a kid in middle school. He would say, keep your grades and your draws up. So that's also a useful piece of.

[Tig Notaro]

Advice in that tone.

[Aisha Tyler]

In that exact tone. Every day. Every single day. Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

Aisha, thank you so, so much for making time to do this today.

[Aisha Tyler]

It was such a pleasure. It's great to see a face I miss when we were outdoor kids, but it's always great to see you and talk with you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Just thank you, thank you, thank you for doing the show. It's the same. It was so good to see your face and I was really, really looking forward to it. And I hope that you continue to thrive.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yay. And you. Yay.

[Tig Notaro]

You can send in your own [e-mail] and we might try to answer them on a future episode. Or we have a brand new option to send us questions. You can now call 832 75-8444. That's 8 3, 3, ask TIG4 and leave me a voicemail. And again, don't ask tig.org to reach us with your questions. Bye, Aisha.

[Aisha Tyler]

Yay. Thanks, guys. It was awesome. Much I want you to know oh, my sweet child there's so much I want you to see I wish that I could give you the answer I wish that I could make you believe I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free Me that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is for.

[Tig Notaro]

Don't Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro. It's produced by Thomas Willette, Mary Knoth and Tracy Mump. Our editor is Phyllis Fletcher. Executive producer, Lauren D. Engineering and sound mixing by Eric Rahmani. Digital production by Christina Lopez. Talent booking by Marianne Ways. Production assistants by Nancy Shue. Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle Crushem and listen to your heart by Edie Burkel. Special thanks to Hunter Seidman, Lily Kim and Alex Shaffert. Our executive consultant is Dean Cappello and Gobsmack Studios. You can always ask for advice@don't asktig.org just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo. You can also follow us on social media. Dontasktig. Don't Ask Tig is a production of American Public Media and as always. Thanks, Dana, and I'll tell Becky. The Soul to Story podcast is about how teaching kids to read went wrong.

[Aisha Tyler]

But now we have a story about.

[Tig Notaro]

A school district where things are going very bright.

[Aisha Tyler]

Let me make sure my friends are sitting crisscross applesauce, hands in their lap. I've never had a child that couldn't read.

[Tig Notaro]

How did they do it?

[Aisha Tyler]

When I tell some of my other.

[Tig Notaro]

Colleagues that may be at other schools that this is what I do, and they would say, you kidding me?

[Aisha Tyler]

New episodes of Sold a Story are.

[Tig Notaro]

Available now in your podcast.

[Aisha Tyler]

Apparently.