Episode 647 - A Gaggle of Goodwins (New Adventures of Nero Wolfe)

Summary

Down These Mean Streets (Old Time Radio Detectives)

Episode 647: A Gaggle of Goodwins (New Adventures of Nero Wolfe) Date: December 7, 2025
Host: Mean Streets Podcasts

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Episode Overview

This episode inaugurates a two-part spotlight series on The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe, focusing on the classic detective radio show and, in particular, on the succession of actors who played Wolfe’s irrepressible assistant, Archie Goodwin. In honor of the December birthdays of creator Rex Stout and star Sydney Greenstreet, the host presents three rare episodes from early in the Greenstreet radio run—each featuring a different Archie Goodwin. Alongside rich background about the show’s history and casting peculiarities, listeners are treated to vintage radio mysteries that capture the wit, esoteric tastes, and thunderous presence of Nero Wolfe.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Spotlight on Nero Wolfe and Archie Goodwin

• Nero Wolfe’s Character and Style:

  • Described by the host as having “the mind of Sherlock Holmes, but the build and disposition of Holmes’ older brother, Mycroft.” (00:57)
  • Wolfe is unwilling to leave his brownstone, preferring beer and orchids, leaving “physical elements of crime-solving” to Archie.

• Sydney Greenstreet as Wolfe:

  • Noted for his commanding screen roles (“The Maltese Falcon,” “Casablanca”), Greenstreet lent gravitas and complexity to the role, though was reportedly in failing health during the show's production.

• Archie Goodwin Revolving Door:

  • Six different actors played Archie during the 26-episode run, a unique anomaly in radio drama believed to result from casting difficulties, Greenstreet’s personality and health, and the search for better chemistry.
  • The series of episodes in this show features the first three Archies, each with unique style and tenure.

Quote:

"Several actors played Nero Wolfe in multiple series on radio, but the Sidney Greenstreet series is unique... No fewer than six different actors played Archie Goodwin."
—Podcast Host, [01:14]

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2. Episode Structure and Featured Shows

Each portion of this episode presents a full Nero Wolfe radio mystery featuring a different Archie Goodwin actor, complete with period-appropriate advertisements and program announcements.

a. Wally Mayer as Archie Goodwin – "Stamped for Murder"

• Air Date: October 20, 1950

• Actor Profile:

  • Wally Mayer, known for toughness and comedic relief, gets one of the weakest openings in the series according to the host, but showcases the working dynamic between Wolfe and Archie.

• Memorable Dynamic:

  • “Will you for the love of heaven stop turning down clients and turn an honest dollar?”
    —Archie (Wally Mayer), [12:25]
  • The episode involves Archie pushing a reluctant Wolfe into taking a case, setting up the trademark banter and friction that define their partnership.

• Plot Highlights:

  • Gloria Kent seeks help after her father is swindled into buying a fake treasure map.
  • Wolfe initially refuses, is pressured by Archie, and eventually confronts the conmen.
  • The case escalates to murder, setting off a web of suspicion around the map, which ultimately turns out to hold value not for its supposed treasure, but for rare postage stamps ('missionaries').

Memorable Quotes:

• “You're an alarmist.”
  —Nero Wolfe, [12:24]
• “She's beautiful. Archie, you're impossible. Oh, very well. Go back into them. Get names, addresses, facts. I am not committed to Ms. Kent's case. But we’ll see.”
  —Nero Wolfe, [15:44]
• “There must be something of great value in the letters.”
  —Nero Wolfe, [33:51]

Notable Moment:

The climactic exposure of the stamps' value:

“The stamps—the missionaries. They're worth a fortune. The missionary. Of course, you know that.” —Wolfe to the assembled suspects, [35:12]

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b. Lamont Johnson as Archie Goodwin – "Case of the Careworn Cuff"

• Air Date: October 27, 1950

• Actor Profile:

  • Lamont Johnson, praised by the host for great energy and repartee with Greenstreet, only played the role once but left a strong impression.

• Dynamic and Tone:

  • Johnson’s Archie is sharp-witted, quick with a comeback, and playful, engaging in the banter that keeps the stories lively.
  • Early in the show:

    “It's on your desk. All you have to do is lean forward.”
    —Archie, [42:01] “Confound it, Archie. What do you think I am, an athlete?”
    —Nero Wolfe, [42:06]

• Plot Highlights:

  • Wolfe and Archie are hired (with a $1000 bribe) to “drop a client” they've never heard of—Dorothy Spencer. The case quickly turns to murder and blackmail as false identities are uncovered and Dorothy becomes a prime suspect.
  • The intricate mystery revolves around mistaken identity, musical cues, and office intrigue, ultimately solved by deducing the true profession and motives of those involved.

Notable Moments and Quotes:

• “I am never wrong. Therefore the man who was here is not Charles Porter.”
  —Nero Wolfe, [49:54]

• “You know, Mr. Wolf, with hiring rooms for girls and paying visits to a perfume factory, I'm beginning to feel like a maiden aunt.”
  —Archie, [61:14]

• Memorable Ending:

  • Romantic sparks fly between Archie and Dorothy, to Wolfe’s consternation:

    “Would you very much mind conducting your romance elsewhere?... I have a very important matter to attend to.”
    —Nero Wolfe, [67:10]

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c. Herb Ellis as Archie Goodwin – "Case of the Dear Dead Lady"

• Air Date: November 3, 1950

• Actor Profile:

  • Herb Ellis, known more for his radio writing and brief run on “Dragnet,” is the first Archie to make it to two episodes. The host considers him less suited to the role, but acknowledges his limited opportunity in this "character heavy" story.

• Plot Highlights:

  • Ilse Dana, a notorious socialite, hires Wolfe amid threats from jealous suitors. Soon she is found murdered, with several suspects and lovers, each with motive.
  • The case delves into hidden marriage, jealousy, and hidden identities, culminating in exposure of multiple secrets.
  • The investigation hinges on a cryptic message, the physical strength required for the murder, and a marriage license with a German connection.

• Key Moments:

  • Exposing the true motive and perpetrator:

    “The line, 'Have you prayed tonight?' is spoken by the hero to the heroine just before he murders her. The name of the heroine is Desdemona. And the hero, as I'm sure you all know, is Othello.”
    —Nero Wolfe, [92:31]

  • Final reveal that Jack Hunter is actually Johann Jaeger, the victim’s secret husband:

    “Jack Hunter is the English translation of our friend's real name back in Germany, where he comes from, Mr. Johann Yeager.”
    —Nero Wolfe, [94:32]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Archie Goodwin on Wolfe’s Irresponsibility:
  “Dinner any day is going to be a problem if we don't pay.” [12:04]

• Wolfe on Fees and Motives:
  “I charge high fees, Archie.” [15:28]

• Wolfe’s Deadpan:
  “Confound you, Archie, you're mutinous.” [12:44]

• Wolfe's Exquisite Reasoning:
  “You imagine you possess legal immunity... but you forget me. I'm a detective with a fee to earn.” [18:27]

• Final Flourish—Wolfe’s Dinner Request:
  “Will you use your red hair, your pretty face, your admirable figure, and your ample fortune to lure Mr. Goodwin away from this house tonight? I would like to enjoy my dinner in peace.” [38:21]

• Archie Teasing Wolfe’s Sedentary Nature:
  “There are exactly 23 steps between here and the kitchen... After a while you might be able to see your shoes.” [42:53], [53:33]

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Historical and Production Insights

• Series Context:

  • The host provides valuable context on the shifting casting of Archie Goodwin, Greenstreet’s declining health, and the unintended value this inconsistency brings for radio history enthusiasts.
  • Mentions how the show’s surviving episodes—the Greenstreet run in particular—form a unique record among the various radio adaptations.

• Tribute to Creator and Star:

  • The episode is also positioned as a celebration of Rex Stout and Sydney Greenstreet’s birthdays, underscoring their contributions to detective fiction and radio drama.

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Episode Structure (Timestamps for Key Segments)

• Intro and Historical Context: [00:57–06:45]
• First Feature: "Stamped for Murder" – Wally Mayer: [10:46–39:40]
• Second Feature: "Case of the Careworn Cuff" – Lamont Johnson: [40:52–67:24]
• Third Feature: "Case of the Dear Dead Lady" – Herb Ellis: [70:23–97:37]
• Host Recap & Upcoming Previews: [99:26]

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Language and Tone

The tone throughout is witty, sharp, and respectful of the original material, with playful banter between Wolfe and Archie preserved. The host's commentary is effusive and informed but never overbearing, balancing nostalgia and critique.

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Conclusion

This episode of Down These Mean Streets serves as a nostalgic survey and celebration of the variety and vitality of Nero Wolfe radio dramas, particularly focusing on the comic tension, interplay, and personality each Archie Goodwin brought to the stories. With rare audio, colorful anecdotes, and sharp insights, it’s an essential listen for classic radio detectives fans and newcomers alike.

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Next Week Preview:
The host promises to continue the Archie Goodwin spotlight with episodes featuring Larry Dobkin, Gerald Moore, and Harry Bartel—actors who left their own marks on the literary gumshoe.

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Final Quote from the Host:

“Now, your mileage may vary, but for me the behind the scenes turmoil doesn't make the show any less enjoyable. Nero Wolf is one of my favorite radio detective shows, and I think it hews pretty close to the tone and style of Rex Stout's stories.”
—Podcast Host, [01:46]

Transcript

[Nero Wolfe]

Get this and get it straight.

[Announcer]

Crime is a sucker's road and those.

[Nero Wolfe]

Who travel it wind up in the.

[Announcer]

Gut of the prison of the grave.

The story you are about to hear is true.

[Archie Goodwin]

Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Announcer]

The Adventures of Sam Spade Detective the Adventures of the Saint Starring Vincent Price.

[Inspector Kramer]

Bob Bailey in the exciting adventures of the man with the action packed expense account.

[Archie Goodwin]

America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.

[Podcast Host]

Hello and welcome to down these Mean Streets with more old time radio detectives and crime fighters. Today we're starting a two part spotlight series on the new adventures of Nero Wolf. We're doing it in honor of a pair of December birthdays. Rex Stout, the mystery writer who created Nero wolf was born December 1, 1886. And Sidney Greenstreet, the Oscar nominated actor who brought the detective to radio life, was born December 27, 1879. Mera Wolf had the mind of Sherlock Holmes, but the build and disposition of Holmes older brother Mycroft Wolf was loathe to take on cases. He preferred to stay in his well furnished brownstone house and enjoying beer and tending to his orchids. When it came time to handle the physical elements of crime solving, Wolf would send out his loyal legman, Archie Goodwin. Several actors played Nero Wolf in multiple series on radio, but the Sydney Greenstreet series is unique in that it has the largest number of surviving episodes and it features a heavyweight actor, no pun intended, as its star. Sidney Greenstreet made his film debut in 1941 in the Maltese Falcon where he played the charmingly malevolent fat man. And he'd established himself as a steady screen presence in the years since in movies like Casablanca and Christmas in Connecticut. The series is also unique because while it ran for only 26 episodes, no fewer than six different actors played Archie Goodwin. The big question of course is why? Well, there are several reasons that have been offered. One is that Greenstreet blamed the supporting performances for the show's poor ratings. It's also been reported that Greenstreet had trouble establishing chemistry with most of his co stars. It must also be said that Greenstreet was ailing at this time due to complications from diabetes and he passed away just three years after the show ended. So he may not have been in the best of spirits while making the series, but in the hopes of finding an actor who could generate chemistry and good ratings, six different performers rotated in over the course of the show. Now your mileage may vary, but for me the behind the scenes turmoil doesn't make the show any less enjoyable. Nero Wolf is one of my favorite favorite radio detective shows and I think it hews pretty close to the tone and style of Rex Stout's stories. Despite his health problems. Sidney Greenstreet is terrific and the different Archies each add their own flavor to the mix. Today we'll hear the first three actors to play Archie Goodwin, each with a very short tenure in the role. Next week we'll hear the final three who each enjoyed longer runs. First up is Wally Mayer, one of radio's best actors and a man who must have seemed like a perfect fit when he was cast. Mayer had enjoyed a nice run as Michael Shane on radio and he recurred on Let George do it as Lieutenant Riley. At the time Nero Wolf went on the air, Mayer was co starring on the lineup as Sergeant Matt Grab alongside Bill Johnstone, who was also on Nero Wolf in the recurring role of Inspector Kramer. Mayer could play a tough character, but he could always be counted on for well timed quips and comedic relief. Unfortunately, the script for the show's first episode and the only one starring Wally Mayer is pretty weak, maybe the weakest of the series. Definitely not the best foot to start out on. It's called Stamped for Murder and it originally aired on NBC on October 20, 1950. The writing improved significantly for the second episode which featured Lamont Johnson as Archie. He played Tarzan on radio, among other roles, and he went on to a career as an Emmy winning TV director. Like Wally Mayer, Lamont Johnson could play the comedic elements of the stories without sacrificing the drama, but he was another one and done. We'll hear him in the Case of the Careworn Cuff, one of my favorite episodes. It Originally aired on October 27, 1950. He's got a great back and forth with Green street who seems to be energized and having fun. I don't know what it was that would have led them to bid goodbye to Lamont Johnson. Of the three Archies we'll hear in this episode, he's the one I wish had stuck around. Our third and final Archie today is Herb Ellis, a radio actor who collaborated with Jack Webb on the pilot script that would eventually become Dragnet and who also briefly played Joe Friday's partner on radio. Ellis was the first Archie to make it to two episodes. Unfortunately, his second episode is the one that didn't survive, so we only have the case of the Dear dead lady from November 3, 1950. Herb Ellis is my least favorite Archie, but in his defense, he doesn't have much to do in this episode. It's a character heavy show where a woman is murdered and her three boyfriends each accuse one another of the crime. With all of that activity, it just doesn't leave much room for Archie. The next three actors each had multiple episodes to find their footing and to put more of a stamp on the character, but we'll hear them next week. For now, here are the first three actors to wear the shoulder holster of Archie Goodwin on radio. We'll start with one Wally Mayer right after these messages.

[Announcer]

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[Inspector Kramer]

And don't forget tomorrow when you ask.

[Announcer]

Your grocer for the new Rinso, buy.

[Inspector Kramer]

A cake of Lifebuoy.

[Announcer]

At the same time, Lifebuoy's rich, purifying lather goes right after dirt and perspiration.

[Inspector Kramer]

Leaves you feeling extra clean.

[Announcer]

So use Lifebuoy daily in your bath or shower.

[Inspector Kramer]

Remember, it's the only soap especially made.

[Archie Goodwin]

To stop be.

[Announcer]

To every woman listening tonight, I want to say a special word about making every dinner or supper you serve taste better. I want to urge you to start serving Roma wine with your meals. It's simple, the cost is very, very little, and it works magic in making food more enjoyable. You can serve Roma wine with any meal or any time in any kind of glass you wish. Serve it chilled. Try different kinds of Roma wine until you find those you enjoy most of all. Try hearty red Roma California Burgundy or the delicately delicious Roma California Sauterne. The cost is mere pennies a glassful, but you'll find even a pickup supper tastes like a banquet. Get Roma wines today, and if your dealer is temporarily out of them, please try again soon. Just ask for R O M a Roma Wines, America's largest selling wines made in California for enjoyment throughout the world.

[Inspector Kramer]

I dedicate this program to the fight against crime. Not merely crimes of violence and crimes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Of dishonesty, but crimes of intolerance, discrimination and bad citizenship.

[Inspector Kramer]

Crimes against America.

[Nero Wolfe]

Stay tuned for Nero Wolf. If the chimes shudder a little on Sunday afternoon, well, they know there's mystery in store Sunday with men of action like Mike Waring, better known as the Falcon, who brings his fearless and romantic touch to the solution of another mystery. After the Falcon, it's high adventure. Then the big guy steps in. The new private eye, Charlie Weil concludes with a few casual homicides. The chimes mean mystery in action this Sunday afternoon on NBC.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Transcribed My boss is the smartest and the stubbornest, the fattest and the laziest, the cleverest and the craziest, the most extravagant detective in the world, Nero Wolf.

[Inspector Kramer]

It's the adventure of stamped for murder with that brilliant eccentric private detective, orchid fancier and gargantuan gourmet, Nero Wolf. Starring Sidney Green street.

[Nero Wolfe]

Instructions for this morning. Archie, your notebook, please. First, Mr. Salinsback, inform him that the Long island peafowl he sent were most unsatisfactory. Peafowl's breast flesh is not sweet and tender unless it is well protected from all alarms, especially from the air to prevent nervousness. Long island is full of airplanes. Look, Mr. Wolf, I should want a dozen chickens that have been raised on blueberries and a fresh killed lamb for tomorrow.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Mr. Wolf, please listen, there's Mr. Goodwin.

[Nero Wolfe]

Be quiet. And then dinner on the following day becomes a problem.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Mr. Wolf, dinner any day is going to be a problem if we don't pay.

[Nero Wolfe]

And pay it with what?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

The bank account's empty.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ridiculous. They were $4,000 yesterday.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

But you bought that shipment of orchid bulbs from Winold Gluckner. Mr. Wolf, we need money. You've got to stop eating and drinking beer. Long Enough to earn some sh.

[Nero Wolfe]

You're an alarmist.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Will you for the love of heaven, stop turning down clients and turn an honest dollar. I've got a couple of prospects right outside the door.

[Nero Wolfe]

Send them away.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

No, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

Send them away. Tell them I've gone to Egypt.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Nothing doing, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

Confound you, Archie, obey orders. Send them away.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Ms. Kent, Mr. Rodman.

[Archie Goodwin]

Come in, please. Thank you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Confound you, Archie, you're mutinous.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Yes, sir. And you're stuck with it. This is Ms. Gloria Kent and Mr. Rodman. They arrived as advertised with a pressing problem.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good morning. You people are here by sufferance only. I shall speak to Mr. Goodwin about it later. Yes, indeed. I don't like pressing problems. Ms. Kent. What are your.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

My father.

[Nero Wolfe]

Indeed. I'm not a court of domestic relations, Ms. Kent. What did your father do, beat you? Withhold your earnings? Discourage your suitors? Mr. Goodwin should have informed you this office does not undertake cases involving marital or family problems.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

But that's not.

[Nero Wolfe]

If Mr. Goodwin had not been beguiled by your pretty face he might have warned you and avoided this embarrassment to you and annoyance to me.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Now, now, now, now, take it easy. Take it easy. How many times have I told you, you don't know how to handle women.

[Nero Wolfe]

Then suppose you let Ms. Kent handle me.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Well, it's simply this, Mr. Wolf. I had some money my mother left me. My father's just spent it without my permission. I wanted back without a scandal.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thanks, Ms. Kent. How much?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

House spent $10,000. Father bought a treasure map.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Indeed.

[Nero Wolfe]

From whom?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

A pair of swindlers named Cross and Halleck. They've driven him crazy talking about fortune salvaged from the SS this and the SS Daddy. He's got a map and old letters he studies. He's childish.

[Nero Wolfe]

Many fortunes have been recovered. Many more await on the sea bottom. How do you know your father has been duped? Well, I know. You do, Mr. Rodman?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[Inspector Kramer]

Cross and Halleck bought some old letters.

[Nero Wolfe]

For me written by my grandfather from Hawaii. They used them to manufacture the map.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

And evidence and that's what they sold to Kent.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Father thought he was being so clever he had the paper analyzed. Of course, the document research laboratory said the letters were genuine. They were, but something new had been added. I'd have never known if Mr. Rodman hadn't told me.

[Nero Wolfe]

You're a party to the swindle, Mr. Rodman. I was not.

[Inspector Kramer]

I never knew what they were up to.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Mr. Wolfe, you've got to help me. I can't do anything with Father. I can't convince him. Even Mr. Rodman can't.

[Nero Wolfe]

No, Ms. Kent, I'm sorry. This is not for me.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

You must. You must.

[Nero Wolfe]

Not in my office, madam. No tears, please. Please. Archie, stop her.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, when Ms. Kent has finished her discreet Phil exhibition, show them out.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

How dare he walk out on a.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Easy, easy, easy. I know him. I know him. You don't. He gets into a panic when women cry or else he's curious about what Fritz is cooking for lunch. Now, just wait a minute, please.

Oh, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Walking out like that on that poor kid?

[Nero Wolfe]

That is terrible, Gamma.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

She's lost all of her money. She needs help.

[Nero Wolfe]

I charge high fees, Archie.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

So charge a small fee. Do you want her to starve?

[Nero Wolfe]

Good heavens, starve? How monstrous.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I'm not kidding. While you'll be in here smelling your dinner, she and her father will be starving.

[Nero Wolfe]

I thought you were bringing me a paying claim.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, this is different.

[Nero Wolfe]

She's beautiful. Archie, you're impossible. Oh, very well. Go back into them. Get names, addresses, facts. I am not committed to Ms. Kent's case. But we'll see. Be a tribute. I pay for your weakness for a pretty face.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Rodman and Gloria Kent were gone, however, so all I had were the few facts they'd given me before they met Wolf. I felt guilty about that. When he came back into the office and sat down in his specially built chair, he closed his eyes and I glared at him. Well, how much of you is awake, Mr. Wolf?

Well, they disappeared. Did you tell me you were going to help this girl just to get her out of the office? Or did you mean it?

[Nero Wolfe]

You're a gadfly.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

No, sir. No, sir. You made a promise and you're stuck with it.

[Nero Wolfe]

What did you get from Rodman?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Name, address, occupation?

[Nero Wolfe]

He's a librarian, that's all very careless, Archie. You missed a significant point.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Such as?

[Nero Wolfe]

How did Rodman discover the letters he sold were being altered by forgery and used for swindle? How did he locate the Duke, Mr. Kent?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I guess you're right. I'll ask him next time. But what about now? Are you going to get Gloria's money back?

[Nero Wolfe]

I assume you call Ms. Kent glorious solely in order to annoy me. It does.

[Inspector Kramer]

Stop it.

[Nero Wolfe]

Get Cross and Halleck. On my way. You'll find him at the Hotel Bogart.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Wrong, sir. According to my notes, their address is.

[Nero Wolfe]

Never mind their address. The Hotel Bogard is the headquarters for successful confidence tricksters. They celebrate their victories there while the money lasts. You will possibly find Cross And Hallock. Drinking whiskey or lunching? Probably both.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I located Cross and Halleck in the hotel bar. And lured them back to our place on 35th Street. Wolf was sitting behind his desk with his hands crossed on his impressive middle, at peace with his lunch and the world. When I ushered them in, he sat bolt upright and scorched me with a look.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good afternoon, Mr. Wolf.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

The tall one's name is Cross. The short one is Halleck. They want to help me invest my money. Gentlemen, Mr. Nero Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

What?

[Archie Goodwin]

Who?

[Nero Wolfe]

Nero Wolf.

[Inspector Kramer]

Hey, what is this?

[Nero Wolfe]

None found you out here. How drunk are they?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Not too drunk for business.

[Nero Wolfe]

Let's get get out of here. Come on.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Wait a minute. You want me to keep him here, Mr. Wolf?

[Nero Wolfe]

Not by violence. Archie. Come back here. Gentlemen, unless you want seven years in the state penitentiary. Unless what?

[Inspector Kramer]

You got nothing on us, Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

Nothing.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have the Kent case.

[Inspector Kramer]

The Kent?

[Archie Goodwin]

That's a laugh. We're sitting pretty.

[Nero Wolfe]

Sittin pretty you are not, sir. You imagine you possess legal immunity. Mr. Kent believes you are grotesque balderdash. And will not sue for fraud. Ms. Kent cannot sue because she is reluctant to accuse her father of wrongfully obtaining her money. Ergo, you think you are invulnerable.

[Inspector Kramer]

Now, listen.

[Nero Wolfe]

But you forget me. I'm a detective with a fee to earn.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

A big fee.

[Nero Wolfe]

Quiet, Archie. I am determined to get that fee. Therefore, as Ms. Kent's agent, I can and will bring action against you. I'm indifferent to her tears or her father's disgrace. I'm indifferent to anything outside of money. You will return the $10,000 to me at once. Sir, I. Or you will be in jail by morning. You mean that? I do, Mr. Cross. Aleck, come here.

Come on, honey. Okay.

[Archie Goodwin]

Here. Mr. Wolf, Halleck and I have decided.

[Nero Wolfe]

We don't want to get in any trouble with you. Here's your 10 grand.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Let's have it.

[Nero Wolfe]

Give the dough to Camp Mr. Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

And get the letters and map back for us.

[Nero Wolfe]

You got a reputation for being tricky. But honest. We trust you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Come on, Alec, let's go.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, how about that? Preposterous. No, sir. Take a look.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

$10,000. Genuine coin of the realm.

[Nero Wolfe]

That man crosses a fool. Does he imagine I'm to be fooled so easily?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

What do you mean, he left the money?

[Nero Wolfe]

He surrendered too quickly, Archie. Too easily. And that money in the envelope he was carrying? All ready to refund.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, maybe he's got a better sucker. I heard him mention of Ben Sanford.

[Nero Wolfe]

Nonsense. Does he need Kent's forged letters and map to cheat this Ben Sanford. Couldn't he repair another set?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I guess you're right. Something's fishy.

[Nero Wolfe]

In any event, it's no concern of mine. Thank heaven.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Why not?

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm not committed to Ms. Kent in any way. As a favor to you, I undertook to regain her money. I have done that. You may take it back to her and obtain the forged papers in return. But. Silence, Mr. Goodwin. Go to your redhead charmer. Leave me in peace. I intend to spend this afternoon with my new World atlas.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I left him 3,000 miles up the Amazon with his magnifying glass and drove up to East 69th Street. The Kent house was a broken down little brownstone. And as I went up the stoop, the door opened and Gloria Kent burst out like a skyrocket. Hey, Ms. Kent.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Easy, easy.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Let's go. What's wrong? What's wrong?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Wrong, wrong. Nothing is wrong, nothing at all.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, how about seeing your father?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

You want to see my father?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Come inside for the love of heaven.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Come outside. Mr. Mr. Goodwin, I'll introduce you. He's in a back room. Come right through the living room.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

What else came through this living room? A hurricane?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

No, Mr. Goodwin, something else. There's my father.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Mr. Goodwin, what in the.

[Nero Wolfe]

He's dead.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

His throat's cut.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Father, this is Archie Goodwin from Nero Wolf's office. He and his boss refused to help while they could. Maybe he can help you now.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Stop it.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

All I'm good for now is revenge, that's all. Stop it.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Stop it and look at me. When did it happen?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I don't know.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

When did you find him?

[Archie Goodwin]

Just now.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Keep looking at me. Who went through this house like a hurricane?

[Archie Goodwin]

You?

[Nero Wolfe]

No.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Where did you go after you left the office?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

To the laboratory.

[Nero Wolfe]

What lab?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Document research. The place that checked the map.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

How long were you there?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Until an hour ago. I was with Mr. Rodman.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Keep looking at me. And then I had lunch with Rodman.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Alone and then I came home.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

All right, all right. Now listen to me. I want you to go to Mr. Wolf's house right now. Have you got cab fare?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Yes.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

All right, take a cab. I've got to stay here, But I'll call Mr. Wolf and tell him you're on the way. Now get.

I called Wolf, told him everything and he instructed me to advise Inspector Kramer who arrived with the homicide squad. I gave the inspector everything while the squad photographed and measured, print dusted. And detective, at 3:30, Kramer took me back to the house on 35th street for a fight with Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

It's a great story, Wolf. Great.

[Archie Goodwin]

Kent buys A phony treasure map.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Everybody knows it's phony except Kent.

[Nero Wolfe]

But Cross and Halleck try to buy.

[Archie Goodwin]

It back and Kent gets himself murdered.

[Nero Wolfe]

Did you find the map and letters in the house, Inspector?

[Archie Goodwin]

No. No, I didn't.

[Nero Wolfe]

Kill. It was out for the map. The phony map? Certainly. Why? Well, if we knew that, we would know why Cross and Halleck so willingly paid back the money. And why Kent was murdered.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Maybe it's not phony.

[Archie Goodwin]

I'd better see the girl now.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, you fancy her for the murder? I'll know after I ask a few questions tonight. She's had a shock, Mr. Kramer. She needs rest. Look, Wolf, I want her. Why bother with her when there's so much to be done? Such as? Cross and Alec? Find them. And the mystery man they spoke of, Ben Sanford. These are the men you want now, not this poor overwrought girl. Yeah, all right.

[Archie Goodwin]

The girl will be here for questioning tonight, though, huh?

[Nero Wolfe]

Tonight, Mr. Kramer. Okay, you'll hear from me later on.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, you buffaloed him out of that.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Say, why don't you want her questioned? Is she guilty?

[Nero Wolfe]

I don't know.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, what did she say when she got here?

[Nero Wolfe]

She said nothing. She never arrived.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

She never what?

[Nero Wolfe]

He never arrived.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, then why did you tell Kramer she was resting?

[Nero Wolfe]

Would he have believed the truth? She must be found. More important, we must learn why forge letters and forge mapper produces turmoil.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Find the killer and you find the map, you said so.

[Nero Wolfe]

I said the reverse, which is an altogether different statement. Archie, I want a photograph of that map. Get it.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Oh, sure, sure. Any particular camera you want me to use?

[Nero Wolfe]

You'll find a photograph at 200 Vanderbilt Street.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Are you kidding?

[Nero Wolfe]

The lab cannot check the authenticity of old papers without photographing them in ultraviolet light, infrared light and so on. If this Document Research Lab has examined those papers, they will have photographs. Get them.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

He got out of his chair and waddled back to the house elevator. It was 4 o' clock and time for his regular afternoon session with the orchids. I drove down to the Document Research Laboratory on Vanderbilt and got such a shock that I grabbed the office phone and dialed. Wolf at.

[Nero Wolfe]

This is Nero Wolf.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Mr. Wolf. Archie here.

[Nero Wolfe]

What's the matter? You lost? No, sir.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

No, sir. But I found something.

[Nero Wolfe]

Photographs?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

No, Mr. Wolf, I don't think you'll ever see any photographs of the Kent map. I don't think any were taken.

[Inspector Kramer]

Indeed.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

But guess who runs the Document Research Laboratory? No, no, no, no, no, don't guess. You probably know a man named Ben Sanford and he's sitting right here looking at me.

[Nero Wolfe]

Bring him home with you. Home?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

But it's four in the afternoon. This is the sacred hour when you pray over your orchids.

[Nero Wolfe]

The angel Sanford can join the ceremony.

Hey, how about this place? How about it? There must be a million flowers up here.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

No, not flowers. Orchids. Only Mr. Wolf has 10,000 plants.

[Nero Wolfe]

Never saw anything like it.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

And you never will again, brother.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hey, what? What kind is that on the bench?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Oh, that. That's our pride and joy. Odontogosum harianum. Above them, the van Peticerana. And the pink ones are the silo gianni pandoratas. Now, the large object mulching flower pots is Nero Wolf. Mr. Wolfe, Ben Sanford.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good afternoon, sir. Hi. I came along to be obliging. I've got nothing to say about anything. How much have you offered Cross and Halleck for their treasure map? No comment. Mr. Sanford, I'm going to make some assumptions. I assume that you are not in fact a document expert, but an accessory to the fraud of Hallikin Cross. No comment. And you actually prepare fraudulent maps for those swindlers and then, in the guise of an expert, guarantee their authenticity? No comment. This you must answer. You did guarantee the authenticity of the map and let us can't board. It's on record. All right, I did. And will you admit they were forged? What are you, a comic? No. You guarantee the value of the Kent map?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

As an expert?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

And you've convicted yourself of murder. Murder? What is this? Mr. Kent was murdered, sir, Evidently for the map and letters he bought. But of all persons involved, you alone believe in the value of the map. No one else does. Therefore, you alone would have murdered Kent for the map. For the love of. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Chew it over, brother. Chew it over. Either way, he's got you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Okay, okay.

[Archie Goodwin]

You.

[Nero Wolfe]

You want me to level here? It is level, Hatchie.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Okay, boss. Thief type talk. It means tell the truth.

[Nero Wolfe]

It's like you say. The letters were bought from Rodman. I forged the map and evidence on them. I guarantee them to Kent. The swindle. The letters are without value. Oh, sure, they're old. That's all from 1851. Just tired family gossip and stuff. Indeed. There we have the problem again, Archie. Mr. Kent is swindled with a map and letters that are known to be worthless. He alone believes the fantasy of the treasure. There isn't any treasure. Never was. Yet Cross and Halleck refunded the swindle money so eagerly, it is obvious they want those worthless documents back. Badly Someone else wants him so bad he murders Mr. Kent. Why?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I don't know.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, we must find the girl. There's a chance she turned to Mr. Rodman for refuge. I'm sorry, you'll have to go there at once. If the girl isn't there, bring Rodman.

Yes?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Hello, Rodman, remember me? I'm Archie Goodwin from Nero Wolf's office.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh. Oh, yes, good.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I came to get Gloria Kent. There's been a change in plans. Tell her to come out, please.

[Nero Wolfe]

Gloria? Well, she's not here. Why should she be?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Haven't you heard?

[Nero Wolfe]

Heard what?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, I guess you'd better come down and see Wolf. Mr. Goodwin, I'm afraid I can't. I'm rather busy. Look, Rodman, maybe you ought to know old man Kent was murdered.

[Nero Wolfe]

What?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Yes, yes, just after you and Gloria left us.

[Nero Wolfe]

Kent murdered?

This is awful.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Mr. Goodwin, you want to see Mr. Wolf now? Get your hat.

[Nero Wolfe]

Murder?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, believe me, I never wanted this.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm going to tell Nero Wolfe the whole mess, every word of it.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Okay, then, come on, let's go.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, of course.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Just a minute. I'll get my hat in the bedroom.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Murdered Gentleman, I never dreamed.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Come on, Rodman.

[Nero Wolfe]

Come on, Rodman, Come on.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

What? I didn't hear you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, Rodman.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

What? Rodman.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, Rodman.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Good Lord, what next?

Come on, come on.

[Nero Wolfe]

Is it nearer?

[Inspector Kramer]

Wolf?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Archie here. We've had a tough break.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

While I was waiting for Rodman at the front door, he went into the bedroom for his hat.

[Nero Wolfe]

The killer was there. How do you know?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

He cut Rodman's throat.

[Nero Wolfe]

Clever.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

The back window was open. It's the ground floor apart. When he was out and gone before I had a chance.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, where were your wits?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Let me alone. I've had a man murdered 20ft from you. Think I'm cheering?

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Kramer is here and he has news for us. Archie. He could not keep Cross and Halleck in their apartment. They had not been home all day. The maid informed him that she was waiting for her weekly salary.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

So what?

[Nero Wolfe]

She was most angry and peppery. Mr. Kramer informs me.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Red pepper.

[Nero Wolfe]

Exactly.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Okay, okay. Maybe I know what you mean. I'll try to deliver the goods this time. Goodbye.

I drove down to the apartment house on Gramercy Square where Cross and Halleck lived, took the elevator up to the 10th floor, found the right door and slipped in with a pass key.

Come on out, come out, wherever you are.

[Nero Wolfe]

I know you're in here.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

You fooled Kramer pretending to be the maid, but you didn't fool Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

You'd better.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Gloria.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Cut it out. Cut it out, you idiot. Lay off, Archie. Archie, you dope. Archie Goodwin from Nero Wolf's office. Remember me? Give me the gun, Gloria. Give it to me. That's right.

[Inspector Kramer]

Who.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Who did you think I was?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Pollock?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Oh, brilliant. So Wolf figured you out, huh? You are a brave girl. They killed your father. You came up here and waited for them. You were going to kill them right back, huh? Oh, that redheaded temper. And you bluffed Kramer into thinking you were the maid.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I had to do something. Was the only thing I could think of to come here and kill him.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, you're coming home with Archie. And just remember one thing. When Wolf's working for you, don't try to do any thinking. It only gets in Wolf's way.

I got Gloria Kent back to the house at 7 o'.

[Nero Wolfe]

Clock.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

I parked the car, brought her into the office and got the shock of my life. There was a convention on Wolf was there with Inspector Kramer representing the cops. Cross, Halleck and Sanford were there representing the crooks. When Kramer saw Gloria, he scowled first at her and then at Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

So it was a slick one after all. Wolf, you didn't have the girl. You had no intention of producing her. Please, Mr. Kramer, that can wait. There are other matters more important. I dine at eight. That leaves me one hour to solve your murders. Murders? More than one?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Yes, two. Elmer Rodman book.

[Nero Wolfe]

I haven't.

[Archie Goodwin]

Good one.

[Nero Wolfe]

If you please, Mr. Kramer. Not now. First Miss Kent. Good evening, Miss Kent. I presume you have met these gentlemen. Cross, Halleck and Sanford.

Take your purse, please. Why? Don't think me as naive as Mr. Goodwin, Miss. When you left your home after the murder of your father, you took the map and letters with you. They are in your purse now.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

True.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, the purse.

Thank you. We have here an interesting situation. There exists some old letters and map forged and fraudulent. You're worth $10,000 and more to Cross and Halleck. And worth two murders to a killer.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

There must be something of great value in the letters. Such as? Something which Mr. Sanford could not see, although he worked on the document closely yet. Something which could be made manifest. What is the arm service? Can't you know it?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I swear I don't.

[Nero Wolfe]

Secret writing. Archie, bring the chafing dish from the dining room. Right.

[Inspector Kramer]

Secret writing.

[Nero Wolfe]

I saw nothing when I worked on those letters. Naturally, Mr. Sandberg. The writing is invisible. The heat is an agent. It makes most forms of secret writing visible.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

The chafing dish, boss.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you, Archie. Place it before me and light it right.

I open Ms. Kent's purse. From it, you see, I withdraw these ancient letters. Which he took from her house after her father's murder.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

That's not true, Archie.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

That's enough, Gloria. That's enough. From now on, you just listen.

[Nero Wolfe]

We remove the letters from the envelope and toast them gently. Secret ink, vintage 1851, will easily succumb to the agency of heat. Careful. Those envelopes will catch fire.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Hey. Hey. They've caught.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't be upset, Mr. Cross. Mr. Halleck. The envelopes. They'll burn safely in the dish. We can concentrate on the writing. Watch closely. I don't want to be accused of trickery. You fat fool.

[Inspector Kramer]

The envelopes are everything.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't sit there. Put them out. Why, Mr. Hannah.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Well, the stamps, the missionaries.

[Nero Wolfe]

They're worth the fortune. The missionary. Of course, you know that. Mr. Cross knows. So does Mr. Sanford, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Cross, Sanford knows.

[Inspector Kramer]

Your old fool.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Let me.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Sanford is not alarmed. Why not, sir? I don't know what you're talking about. 50 or $100,000 is burning before your eyes, Mr. Sanford. Cross and Halleck are burning their fingers putting out the flaming envelopes. And you sit there quite indifferently.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, I. You know the value of the missionary stamps on the letters you bought from Rodman. But you know these aren't the real letters.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Isn't that it?

[Nero Wolfe]

Not the real letter. I told you I'm tough to crack, Wolf. You didn't fool me with those dummies. Dummies? How do you know? Mr. Cross didn't know. Mr. Haddock didn't know. How did you? Well, I. I'll tell you, sir. Only one man could know I was framing Ms. Kent as a decoy. Only one man could know I prepared these dummy letters and pretended to take them from her purse. And that is the killer. A man who murdered her father and stole the map and letters this morning. Use her, Mr. Sanford. Well, I'll be. Mr. Kramer, there's your killer. You'll find the missing map and letters on him or concealed in his home or office. You won't need the evidence anyway. Look at his face. He self confessed.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Self confessed? Like fun. He was booby trapped.

[Nero Wolfe]

No, Mr. Crano. Not a complicated case, really. Very simple. Elmer Rodman sold a packet of old family letters to the swindlers for a small sum. They used the letters to perpetrate their fraud on Ms. Kent's father.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

And the stamps on the letters were valuable?

[Nero Wolfe]

They were a special Hawaiian issue, 1851. Miss Kent nickname missionaries because missionaries use them for Writing home. They are extremely rare stamps worth upward of $25,000 each.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hey, no wonder they were worth two murders.

[Nero Wolfe]

We found five of them on San Excellent. Somewhere or other. Rodman discovered the value of the stamps after he sold the letters. In his effort to get them back, he communicated his discovery to the swindlers Cross, Hallock and Sanford.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

So that's why they refunded the money so fast.

[Nero Wolfe]

Precisely. In an effort to have the sale rescinded, Rodman sought out Kent and tried to convince him of the fraud. Alas, he would not listen to the truth. Mr. Kramer, I get it.

[Archie Goodwin]

And while the others were hassling around.

[Nero Wolfe]

Sanford tried to steal a march and quietly resorted to murder. And there you have it. Ha ha.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Great job, boss. Great job. So Gloria not only gets her 10 grand back, but five times 25, which is about 125,000 worth of good. Now, figuring your rates by the hour, that means you've done a gratis job.

[Nero Wolfe]

Worth about Ken, I did not know what. I demand a large fee for what I have done. I will not go back on my word. But I can beg for a favor.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I'll only be too happy.

[Nero Wolfe]

Wait, wait, wait. I asked something that would not be easy to grant.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

What is it?

[Nero Wolfe]

Will you use your red hair, your pretty face, your admirable figure, and your ample fortune to lure Mr. Goodwin away from this house tonight? I would like to enjoy my dinner in peace.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

That won't be difficult, Mr. Wolf.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Let's have an understanding right now, Gloria. Difficult for you or for me?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I'll be delighted.

[Nero Wolfe]

Indeed. Spend an evening with Mr. Goodwin. There is only one word for you, Miss Kent. Intrepid.

[Inspector Kramer]

You have been listening to the new adventures of Nero Wolf, starring Sydney Greenstreet. Tonight's story by Alfred Bester was based on the famous characters created by Rex Stout, produced by Edwin Fadiman and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Wally Mayer as Archie Goodwin and Gene Bates, Howard McNair, Jay Novello, Larry Dobkin, Bill Johnstone and Herb Vigren. Music by Joseph Enos. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the careworn cup. Don Stanley speaking.

[Nero Wolfe]

The preceding was transcribed. Three chimes mean good times on NBC. The chimes ring for Dennis Day and Judy Canova tomorrow night on NBC. Also, Judy Canova prepares to go operatic tomorrow because her Special guest is E.O. pimza.

[Inspector Kramer]

This is Chester William Bendix.

[Nero Wolfe]

Rad. The Man Called X follows on NBC.

[Inspector Kramer]

Stay tuned for Nero Wolf Saturday night. Chimes on NBC mean A full hour of fun with Dennis Day and Judy Canova. Dennis always appears perplexed and bewildered, but one thing that doesn't perplex him is how to make a popular ballad come to life in his thrilling tenor voice. And there's music also on the Judy Canova show. Plus comedy in the mischievous Canova manner. That's Judy Canova and Dennis Day. Tomorrow night over most NBC stations.

[Archie Goodwin]

My boss is the smartest and the stubbornest, the fattest and the laziest, the cleverest and the craziest, the most extravagant detective in the world, Nero Wolf.

[Inspector Kramer]

It's the transcribed adventure of the Case of the Careworn Cuff with that brilliant eccentric private detective, orchid fancier and gargantuan gourmet, Nero Wolf. Starring Sydney Greenstreet.

The place is Nero Wolf's office. At the moment. The world's greatest motionless detective is sitting in the chair which was built especially to support his £300. His eyes are closed and he's making sounds through his nose.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie.

Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Archie, ask Mr. Wolf. What is it?

[Nero Wolfe]

The phone, if you please, Mr. Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

But it's on your desk. Only eight and three quarter inches from your left elbow. All you have to do is lean forward.

[Nero Wolfe]

Found it. Archie. What do you think I am, an athlete? Hello?

[Archie Goodwin]

No, wrong number, mister. I'm sorry, Mr. Wolf, if that old phone awakened you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Wrong number. And I was not asleep. I was merely concentrating.

[Archie Goodwin]

On what? We're out of work. There's nothing to concentrate on.

[Nero Wolfe]

May have escaped your errant attention, Archie, but there are other subjects for thought besides murder.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sure.

[Nero Wolfe]

Blondes and blondes.

[Archie Goodwin]

You're right at that. Brunettes. Phoe. That's not a nice thing to say about any girl. Even if she does happen to be a brunette.

[Nero Wolfe]

Auntie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir?

[Nero Wolfe]

Go away. You annoy me.

[Archie Goodwin]

Suppose I did? It would get your beer for you, Fritz. Tonight happens to be Fritz's night off. However, you can always get your beer for yourself.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't be an idiot.

[Archie Goodwin]

There are exactly 23 steps between here and the kitchen.

[Nero Wolfe]

As you very well know, I abominate strenuous physical activity.

[Archie Goodwin]

23 steps times 2. It's 46. You could walk very slow.

[Nero Wolfe]

Nonsense. Now that you mention it.

I happen to be mildly thirsty. Archie, would you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Now that I mention it, you'd better let the beer go for tonight.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why?

[Archie Goodwin]

Our stock is running low.

[Nero Wolfe]

You mean cares.

[Archie Goodwin]

I've been careful. Because something else is also running low.

[Nero Wolfe]

What? Money. Federal sticks. There's plenty in the bank.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sure, but very little of it is yours, Mr. Wolf. Do you remember that Batch of orchids you bought last week.

[Nero Wolfe]

Cause I do magnificent and very rare specimens.

[Archie Goodwin]

I got a magnificent bill for him this morning too.

[Nero Wolfe]

It was.

[Archie Goodwin]

It was lodge confounded.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie. I shall have to do some work.

[Archie Goodwin]

You turned down half a dozen cases in the last few weeks.

[Nero Wolfe]

One of them may still require me.

[Archie Goodwin]

Most of them hired other detectives. However, there is a Mr. Wenceslas who might still be in need.

[Nero Wolfe]

His problem is what?

[Archie Goodwin]

As I remember, he's being followed by midgets. He wanted you to do something about it. Not that he minded the midgets so much. It was the elephants they were riding.

[Nero Wolfe]

The man needs a psychiatrist, not a detective. Anyone else?

[Archie Goodwin]

I can check my files, but I don't think. Saved by the bell.

[Nero Wolfe]

Another cliche like that and I shall.

[Archie Goodwin]

Answer the phone yourself.

[Nero Wolfe]

Assassinate. You see what it is.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay. Hello? Yes, Mr. Wolf is in. Yes, he'll be in. He always is.

[Inspector Kramer]

What?

[Archie Goodwin]

That was a Mr. Charles Porter. He was in a hurry. He's on his way over right now. Should be here in 10 minutes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Respecting client, I trust.

[Archie Goodwin]

A thousand dollars worth of prospective client.

[Nero Wolfe]

Plenty. Archie, my beard.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, but look, I'm not sure you're going to accept his offer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Indeed. What does he want me to do for his paltry fee?

[Archie Goodwin]

That's the point. If I heard him right, he wants you to do nothing.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

I hear it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Porter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Naturally, I'm Charles Porter. Who else would I be?

[Archie Goodwin]

It's a large field. Never mind. Come on in. I'm Archie Goodwin. Where is Wolf? Mr. Wolf is in here. Mr. Wolf, this is Mr. Port.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good evening.

[Inspector Kramer]

Fat, aren't you?

[Nero Wolfe]

It's moderately noticeable. Out. Your chair for Mr. Porter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Don't bother. I'm too impatient to sit. When I have business to take care of, I take care of it quickly.

[Nero Wolfe]

Very well.

[Inspector Kramer]

Send him out of the room, Mr. Goodwin.

[Nero Wolfe]

Nonsense, he's my assistant. He remains.

[Inspector Kramer]

I don't like it.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, show Mr. Porter out.

[Inspector Kramer]

Now wait. There's no need to get temperamental. Perhaps I'm a little abrupt.

[Nero Wolfe]

Rude. I'm a worried man and impatient. You're wasting time, Mr. Porter.

[Inspector Kramer]

I suppose I am. The reason I came to you, young man. What are you doing with that notebook?

[Archie Goodwin]

Getting ready to make marks in it, but.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, never mind.

[Inspector Kramer]

Mr. Wolfe, you have a client named Dorothy Spencer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Have I?

[Inspector Kramer]

There's no need to be coy about it.

[Nero Wolfe]

I happen to know.

[Inspector Kramer]

Then you know I want you to drop her.

[Archie Goodwin]

Drop her?

[Inspector Kramer]

Refuse to handle her case. Close the books on her.

[Nero Wolfe]

You know what I mean. Why should I?

[Inspector Kramer]

The girl has no money I have.

[Nero Wolfe]

It doesn't answer my question. Perhaps this will appear to be a small package of dollar bills.

[Inspector Kramer]

It happens to be a thousand dollars.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, will you.

[Archie Goodwin]

It is $1,000. Thank you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Porter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes?

[Nero Wolfe]

You're paying me $1,000 in order that I refuse to act for Ms. Spencer, nothing more.

[Inspector Kramer]

That's right.

[Nero Wolfe]

What does she suspect you of?

[Inspector Kramer]

I said nothing about.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, that is.

You must know that.

[Inspector Kramer]

As well as I do.

[Nero Wolfe]

Possibly. Nevertheless, what does she suspect you of?

[Inspector Kramer]

Being a blackmailer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Whereas your occupation really is.

[Archie Goodwin]

I'm a musician.

[Inspector Kramer]

Pianist. I'm appearing nightly at the Windsor Hotel.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, have you made out a receipt for Mr. Porter?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yep.

[Nero Wolfe]

Give it to him and show him to the door.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay. Mr. Porter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Mr. Wolf, I want your assurance that the entire affair is definitely finished.

[Nero Wolfe]

My association with Ms. Spencer, you mean. You have my assurance that it is. You forgive a classical illusion with Carver.

[Inspector Kramer]

Thank you.

Good night.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolf. I have a secret about Mr. Porter.

[Nero Wolfe]

He smells some perfume or other. More important, his right coat cuff is more worn than his left cuff. And a cover happens to be a musical term. Meaning? Start again from the beginning.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, Porter thought it meant finished.

[Nero Wolfe]

Therefore, Mr. Porter is a liar. His ignorance of common musical term indicates that he's not a musician. The worn right coat cuff that he is an office worker.

[Archie Goodwin]

That's kind of leaping to a deduction. But even if porter's a liar, Mr. Wolf, there is something else.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

He.

[Archie Goodwin]

He paid you $1,000 to drop a client named Dorothy Spencer. Mr. Wolfe, you never had a client with that name.

Well, that's that. Dorothy Spencer is not in anyway. She's not answering a phone.

Mr. Wolf, I said.

[Nero Wolfe]

I know what you said.

[Archie Goodwin]

That a comment.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm worried. Mr. Porter may have assumed erroneously that Dorothy Spencer had employed or was intending to employ me. That does not explain why he lied about his occupation.

[Archie Goodwin]

Maybe he didn't lie after all. Your deductions could be wrong.

[Nero Wolfe]

Phooey.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, take care of that right now.

Phoning hello, Windsor Hotel. Get me the manager's office. Thanks.

Could you tell me if a Charles Porter plays the piano? It's uh. Huh. She sounds blonde. I see. Thanks a lot. What do you do after work?

Oh, so long. She goes home and beats her husband about Porter. Archie, bad news. He does play the piano at the Windsor in the move room. So where does that leave your deductions?

[Nero Wolfe]

Untouched, of course. Let me think.

Yes, naturally.

[Archie Goodwin]

Naturally what?

[Nero Wolfe]

I came to the conclusion that Mr. Porter was an office worker. We have just discovered that Mr. Porter is not an office worker.

[Archie Goodwin]

Therefore, you were wrong.

[Nero Wolfe]

I am never wrong. Therefore the man who was here is not Charles Porter.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolfe, do you think a man of your weight should climb out on a limb like that?

[Nero Wolfe]

Fiddlesticks. Look up Porter in the phone book and call him.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, take a second.

Archie. The phone company's best friend. Yep, here he is. What do I ask him?

[Nero Wolfe]

There'll be no need to ask Mr. Porter anything. Just phone.

[Archie Goodwin]

You're the boss.

Have to say something to the guy.

Hello? I'd like to speak to Charles Porter. So would you. Who's. Oh, Stebbins, huh? Yeah, that's right, Archie.

Oh.

No, no, don't, don't. Don't bother. Why? I call it a coincidence.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Goodbye.

[Archie Goodwin]

You know who that was? No. That was sergeant Stebbins. Sergeant Pearly Stebbins, I might add. As though you didn't know that. Stebbins happens to be a sergeant in homicide.

[Nero Wolfe]

Indeed.

[Archie Goodwin]

You expected this?

[Nero Wolfe]

I still don't know what your conversation was about.

[Archie Goodwin]

It was about Charles Porter, who maybe was a liar, but who isn't gonna tell any more lies on account of he was just shot to death.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, well, well, if it ain't Archie Goodwin. Come in, Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

Thank you, Sergeant Stebbins.

[Inspector Kramer]

I've been expecting you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, that's sweetie to say that. Pearly.

[Inspector Kramer]

Why did you phone Porter?

[Archie Goodwin]

His right coat cuff was more worn out than his left.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

So for that you had to kill him?

[Archie Goodwin]

No, actually I killed him because he didn't know his da capo. Hey.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yeah, hey.

[Inspector Kramer]

He don't look good anymore. Guys who stop bullets with their face never look good.

[Archie Goodwin]

Burley, you've been robbed.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I did.

[Archie Goodwin]

That corpse is not Porter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Now relax, Goodwin, relax. His fingerprints were on file and they check. His girlfriend says he's Porter. If he could get up and talk, he'd tell you he was Porter. And what makes you think he isn't?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, because when he visited us earlier tonight, he looked different.

[Nero Wolfe]

Not much.

[Archie Goodwin]

But you said girlfriend.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, I said girlfriend. She's in the next room mopping up. She kind of broke down when we brought her here.

[Archie Goodwin]

You brought her here? Now, don't tell me what her name is.

[Inspector Kramer]

Why shouldn't I?

[Archie Goodwin]

It's Spencer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Dorothy Spencer.

[Archie Goodwin]

That's what I was afraid of.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Sergeant, I. Oh, ignore them.

[Nero Wolfe]

He comes with the woodwork.

[Archie Goodwin]

His name is Goodwin, miss. Spencer. Archie Goodwin. Find what you were looking for?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

What I was looking for?

[Archie Goodwin]

Somebody's gone through this place like a minor league hurricane. You?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

What business is it of mine?

[Archie Goodwin]

None. Maybe. On the other hand, Nero Wolf might have other Ideas. Matter of fact, I'm sure he'd have. Ms. Spencer, why don't you go see him? The address is 601 W. 35th Street.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I don't see why.

[Archie Goodwin]

You want your boyfriend's murderer found, don't you? Now listen, Goodwin, the police are working on this.

[Nero Wolfe]

Sure.

[Archie Goodwin]

They'll see to it nobody harms a corpse. Goodbye, Ms. Spencer. Don't forget that address. 601 West 35th Street. Believe it or not, you used to be a client of ours.

Oh, Mr. Wolf, you're getting to be so brilliant. It's boring.

That is all right tonight you deserve it. I'll get you another can of beer. But this is the last one.

Unless you promise to do some exercise. Like. Like maybe standing up and sitting down five minutes a day.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you.

And why should I indulge in such idiotic behavior?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, after a while you might be able to see your shoes.

[Nero Wolfe]

I've already seen them.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, that was 20 years ago. Things had changed. No more buttons. Hey, that must be Dorothy's Spencer.

[Nero Wolfe]

She's undoubtedly young and beautiful.

[Archie Goodwin]

You deduced that from the way she pressed the buzzer?

[Nero Wolfe]

I deduced that from the gleam in your eye.

[Archie Goodwin]

Bah, bah all you want. I'm gonna keep that gleam shining. Hello, Ms. Spencer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Come in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Thank you.

Mr. Wolf is the large sitting down gentleman behind the desk. This is Dorothy Spencer, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

You will forgive me not rising. It is due to a necessary conservation of energy rather than rudens. Archie, chair.

[Inspector Kramer]

Sure.

[Archie Goodwin]

Here you are, Ms. Spencer.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Thanks.

[Nero Wolfe]

Now then, Ms. Spencer, have the police found anything but dust in the porter's closet?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Why, no.

[Nero Wolfe]

You were engaged to Mr. Porter?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I was.

[Nero Wolfe]

That ring you're wearing, he gave it you?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

May I see it?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Well, all right. Here.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you. Expensive.

Very expensive. You may have it back, Ms. Pincer. Why are you marrying Charles Porter?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I loved him.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Porter, according to Archie's description, was twice your age with considerably less than half your attractiveness. Love may perhaps be blind, but it is not astigmatic.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I. I don't know what you mean.

[Nero Wolfe]

What were you searching for under the nose of the poor police?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Nothing. Nothing at all.

[Nero Wolfe]

How did your fiance earn his money?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

He played the piano at the boy.

[Nero Wolfe]

What he earned there and a year wouldn't begin to pay for the ring he gave you. Would you like to try again?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I don't know how he made his money.

[Nero Wolfe]

I suggest that you do. I suggest that he earn money by the same method that he induced you to consider marrying him. Blackmail. Why was he blackmailing you?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Old Letters I'd written when I was too young to know any better.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your motives for murdering Porter would be twofold then. Recovery of blackmail material and the avoidance of marriage to a man you dislike.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I didn't kill Charles.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your doorbell. Archie, get Ms. Spencer into the kitchen once. Must be the police.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yeah.

[Archie Goodwin]

Let's go, Ms. Spencer, right through that.

[Nero Wolfe]

Door and stay there until I call you friend or Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

Mr. Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

Do I know Dorothy Spencer's here?

[Nero Wolfe]

You know nothing. A simple role for you to play.

[Archie Goodwin]

I haven't got time to resent that insult right now. But wait until the next time you drop a collar button. Well, bless my soul, if it isn't dear old Inspector Kramer. How is the homicide department? Where's Wolf?

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Big surprise.

[Archie Goodwin]

He's sitting.

Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good evening, Inspector.

[Archie Goodwin]

Where's Dorothy Spencer?

[Nero Wolfe]

This is not the Bureau of Missing Passengers.

[Archie Goodwin]

The district attorney would like to talk to her.

[Nero Wolfe]

I shall tell her so the next time we meet.

[Archie Goodwin]

That could be right. Now she's in this house, I don't see her. Mind if I look around for myself?

[Nero Wolfe]

You have a search warrant, of course.

[Archie Goodwin]

So happens no.

[Nero Wolfe]

But Archie, the inspector's leaving.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay, I'm leaving. I suppose by the time I get back with a warrant, she'll be in Hoboken.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hoboken? Where's that?

[Archie Goodwin]

Look, Wolf, you can go too far. One of these days you won't be.

[Inspector Kramer]

Able to talk yourself out of a. I.

[Archie Goodwin]

Trail me to the door, Goodwin, to show what a good detective you are.

Ooh. Inspector Kramer doesn't love us anymore.

[Nero Wolfe]

Unfortunate. Archie, take Ms. Spencer to a respectable hotel. Register her under an assumed name. She is to stay there until notified otherwise. Luckily, the good inspector neglected to inform us that she was the leading suspect in a murder case. Hence, we are not accessories after the fact. And I don't want her arrested for murder as yet.

[Archie Goodwin]

Her beauty has won you over.

[Nero Wolfe]

You will then return here immediately.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay. What are you going to be doing in the meanwhile?

[Inspector Kramer]

I.

[Nero Wolfe]

She shall be thinking.

Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

No, no, not Archie.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ah, our impatient and non musical friend came in through the window. How are you, Mr. Not Porter, of course.

[Archie Goodwin]

Where's the girl?

[Nero Wolfe]

Question is beginning to bore me. I don't know.

[Archie Goodwin]

I think she's here.

[Nero Wolfe]

So did the police. I might add that they were slightly closer to the truth. Incidentally, what makes you think she was Porter's accomplice? She must have been. Nonsense, she wasn't. Porter was blackmailing her, just as he was blackmailing you. In her case, it was letters, in yours, a previous criminal record, perhaps that your employers Might be interested in.

[Archie Goodwin]

I want to know where she is.

[Nero Wolfe]

Maybe this would help you remember. Good heavens. Don't point a pistol at me. It annoys me.

Police. As you think. Open the door for them like a good fellow. Oh, no.

[Inspector Kramer]

I'm leaving.

[Nero Wolfe]

But if I don't find that girl, I'll be back.

Knock the basket thing down if it isn't open. All right. What? I've got the search warrant also. No doubt a fine tooth comb, by the way. Inspector. All right, boys, cover the house.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

All right.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Inspector Kramer]

What did you want?

[Nero Wolfe]

As your men go through the house, will you have one of them shut the back window? I've just had a burglar and I suspect he left it open. Unless the matter is attended to, the house might be filled with fresh air.

[Archie Goodwin]

What's the matter with that fresh air?

[Nero Wolfe]

Deadly poison. It clogs the lungs. And may I point out that the warrant you're clutching in your hot little hand is not a lease on the house. Finish your search quickly if you please.

[Archie Goodwin]

And then.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why not try hobo?

[Archie Goodwin]

So I just missed the inspector, huh? You did that I can stand. I'm sorry about the burglar, though.

[Nero Wolfe]

Perhaps we can arrange to have you meet him in the morning.

[Archie Goodwin]

He left his calling card with name and address on it.

[Nero Wolfe]

He dropped his handkerchief here on my desk.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh.

It'S a handkerchief.

[Nero Wolfe]

It smells.

[Archie Goodwin]

So it does.

[Nero Wolfe]

But all of our unknown friends clothes carry the odor. Therefore.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

You will go out immediately to the nearest drugstore. Buy a specimen of every cake of soap manufactured in this country.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr.

No.

[Archie Goodwin]

I never realized just how many different brands of soap are made in this country.

[Nero Wolfe]

You should listen to the radio more often.

[Archie Goodwin]

So far we've sniffed at 37 cakes. None of them smell like porter. See?

[Nero Wolfe]

38. Hey, let me have it. Aji. Yes? These soap labeled orchid ovals. I should say basically mislabeled orchids have no odor. Our task for the evening is finished.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why? All we know is the guy washes with a basely mislabeled soap.

[Nero Wolfe]

No, the odor would not have been so persistent in that case. Unquestionably. Our visitor works for a soap company that makes orchid ovals. Every employee of a plant in which perfume in large quantities is used inevitably carries the odor on his clothes.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, and you already deduced he works in an office? Uh huh. Ah, I. I go see him in the morning.

[Nero Wolfe]

You do?

[Archie Goodwin]

You know, Mr. Woolfuck, with hiring rooms for girls and paying visits to a perfume factory, I'm beginning to feel like a maiden aunt.

[Nero Wolfe]

No one Would ever mistake you for a maiden aunt, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Thanks. Is that another deduction?

[Nero Wolfe]

Maiden aunts really need a sh.

[Archie Goodwin]

Park it.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Owls. Good morning. One moment please. Oh, can I do anything for you, sir?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, that is. Let's postpone that question and slip in another one. I'm looking for one of your office people. As in his 40s, 5 foot 10, brown hair and eyes. Speaks in a sharp, quick voice.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

He owes you money too?

[Archie Goodwin]

Who owes me money?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Mr. Wheeler, the man you were describing. He owes everybody money. In spite of the fact that he's office manager and makes lots and lots of. How much does he owe you?

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, not. Not an awful lot. It won't break me if I don't get it. Is he in yet?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Well, he was, but he went home. He was sort of sick.

[Archie Goodwin]

Sort of?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

He got a phone call from somebody and rushed out.

[Inspector Kramer]

Too bad.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I better scram.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

You didn't answer my question yet. I'm off at 5. My name's Gwen. Goodbye.

[Nero Wolfe]

Wolf speaking. Archie here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Unknown's name is Wheeler. He left the office this morning sick after he got a mysterious phone call.

[Nero Wolfe]

Bad probably. Get to Dorothy Spencer at once and bring her here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Right. I'm at Wheeler's house now. Thought I'd better check. His wife's here too.

[Nero Wolfe]

Blonde? Uh huh.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

How could you tell?

[Nero Wolfe]

Fetch. You smirk in your voice. Get out of there fast and don't stop to console Mrs. Wheeler.

[Archie Goodwin]

908. Ah, room 909. Ms. Dorothy spencer.

Nobody home.

[Nero Wolfe]

Shut that door behind you.

[Inspector Kramer]

Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

Never mind pulling triggers. I'll shut it.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Oh, Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

I would prefer silence. Keep your hands high. Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

It's unhealthy. All the blood had run into my head.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Archie, he murdered Charles.

[Archie Goodwin]

He did. Taught Mr. Wheeler. Really shouldn't have. It's against the law.

[Inspector Kramer]

Get into the bathroom, both of you.

[Archie Goodwin]

I already shaved.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I phoned him. I thought maybe he had my letters.

[Inspector Kramer]

Porter couldn't keep his mouth shut about his other victims.

[Archie Goodwin]

He was gonna force Dorothy to marry him. Did you find his material? Wheeler?

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, in an office. He read it as a front.

[Nero Wolfe]

It's all burned.

[Archie Goodwin]

And why all the melodrama?

[Inspector Kramer]

You know about me, so does she. I can't trust anyone. Get into the bathroom, I said.

[Archie Goodwin]

Look, let's not lose our heads about this.

[Inspector Kramer]

Get moving, Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

I like it here.

[Inspector Kramer]

All right then, here is where you'll get it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute. Something's wrong. I got shot and Wheeler fell down. I shot him. Goodwin. Stebbins. Dear sergeant Stebbins. Oh, you little flat footed angel. It's lucky for you my flat feet.

[Inspector Kramer]

Got staked out here in time.

[Archie Goodwin]

Just for that, I'll buy you a pair of arch supports for your next birthday. I'm beginning not to believe this.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

You had it all figured out?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, not exactly. Well that is, ah. Wolf sent you here?

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, he kind of phoned in and suggested one of us shoot down here and do some rescue work.

[Archie Goodwin]

That old devil. Hey, you're not kidding. What are you laughing about? Wolf wasn't sure whether you'd need rescuing from Wheeler or. Stop killing yourself with your own jokes. Or whether Ms. Spencer would need rescuing from you.

[Nero Wolfe]

You being a very foolish young woman, Ms. Spencer, I suggest that in the future you exercise more care in your correspondence.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Oh, I shall, Mr. Wolf, but how can I ever thank you?

[Nero Wolfe]

Well one.

[Archie Goodwin]

One way would be to listen wide eyed while he explains how he solved case.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have no intention.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh come on Mr. Wolf, stop stalling.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Please, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, I'd be very happy to. As a matter of fact, I'd like to see anyone try to stop me. A man came to me, offered me $1,000 to drop a client I didn't have.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why?

[Nero Wolfe]

Because obviously he wished to direct my attention to that client.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Me.

[Nero Wolfe]

You, Ms. Spencer. Now then he identified himself as Charles Porter, a musician. But I tested him and discovered that he knew nothing of music.

[Archie Goodwin]

The da capo routine.

[Nero Wolfe]

Precisely. Therefore he was an imposter. His purpose?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

To indicate by no means subtly that enmity existed between Porter and Dorothy Spencer.

[Archie Goodwin]

Huh.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thus when Porter was found murdered, I would presumably be convinced that Dorothy Spencer balked in her effort to enlist my aid against Porter, had resorted to most foul and bloody murder.

[Archie Goodwin]

Most foul and bloody murder is very fancy. Dorothy. Josie likes you.

[Nero Wolfe]

I thereupon asked myself, why should an unknown seek to convince me that Dorothy Spencer was Porter's murderer?

[Archie Goodwin]

And you answered yourself One reason only.

[Nero Wolfe]

Because he himself intended to murder Porter as he did for which peccadillo he has thanks to Sergeant Stebbins accuracy with a revolver already paid with his own life. Quaddy that demonstrandum Latin for that's what.

[Archie Goodwin]

You wanted to know.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I think you're wonderful, Mr. Wolf. And I'm going to.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ah. Be careful.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Kiss you, Archie.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ms. Spencer is a very dangerous young woman today.

[Archie Goodwin]

I feel brave.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Do you Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Very brave.

[Announcer]

What are you doing tonight?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Nothing.

[Archie Goodwin]

Let's do it together. Is that Mr. Wolf?

[Nero Wolfe]

I said bah. Would you very much mind conducting your romance elsewhere? I would not and do so at once. I have a very important matter to attend to.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Goodbye, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Goodbye.

[Archie Goodwin]

Night, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

Very important, very important.

[Inspector Kramer]

You have been listening to the new adventures of Nero Wolf starring Sydney Greenstreet.

Tonight's transcribed story was based on the characters created by Rex Stout, produced and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Lamont Johnson as Archie Goodwin and Jane Webb, Peter Leeds, Bill Johnstone and Williams Herbert. Next was week. At this same time Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the dear dead lady. Don Stanley speaking.

Three chimes mean good times on NBC. The NBC chimes are excited about the big show. An hour and a half every Sunday night with tallulah bankhead as femc. Comedy with stars like jimmy durante, fred allen, jack carson, groucho marx and a host of others. Music with meredith wilson, mindy carson and many more. It presents drama with Mr. Jose ferrer and many more leading stars of broadway and hollywood. It's the big show starts Sunday, november 5th on NBC.

[Nero Wolfe]

This is chester william bendix riley. The man called x follows on NBC.

[Inspector Kramer]

Stay tuned for Nero Wolf. This Sunday marks the premiere of the big show on NBC. Not just any big show, it's the big show. NBC's hour and a half of comedy, music and drama. The best of each. The Big show will be heard every Sunday afternoon over most of these stations with Tallulah Bankhead as mistress of ceremonies. Your stars for this Sunday's broadcast include Jimmy Durante, Fred Allen, Ethel Merman, Frankie Lane, Mindy Carson, Meredith Wilson, Danny Thomas and hosts of others. All this and Tallulah too. No wonder it's the Big Show.

My boss is the smartest and the stubbornest, the fattest and the laziest, the cleverest and the craziest, the most extravagant detective in the world, Nero Wolf.

It's the adventure of the case of the dear Dead lady with that brilliant eccentric private detective, orchid fancier and gargantuan gourmet.

[Archie Goodwin]

Nero Wolf.

[Inspector Kramer]

Starring Sydney Green Street.

Nero Wolf had just come downstairs having tended to his precious orchids. He was, as usual, seated in the library which served as the office. He had just dialed a phone number and with his eyes closed was leaning back in his specially built chair, which was big enough for two, but not two of him.

Halsbrucker's Market Domestic and imported delicacies.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Halsbrucker, this is Nero Wolf.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh yeah, Mr. Wolf, I was just about to ring you.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have need of two pounds of duck liver. I do not, of course refer to the commercialized Strasbourg Patty.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I appreciate the order, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

But next my cook Fritz informs me that we require our three fine fat geese.

[Inspector Kramer]

Look, Mr. Wolf, there's a little matter of an unpaid.

[Nero Wolfe]

You might add 12 cases of beer, a bushel of Vermont apples, green for stuffing, and a gallon of Marquisa patricia Roman oil, Mr. Wolf. In addition, Fritz has listed six dozen eggs, four braces of Sussex woodcock, and a few pounds of Westphalian ham. You have all that?

[Inspector Kramer]

I. I can get it, Mr. Wolf, but my bookkeeper.

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you very much, Mr. Haltz Bracker. That will be all.

Now then, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, boss.

[Nero Wolfe]

You seem to be worried.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh, I am. This means naturally that I'm supposed to handle Halsprecher's delivery boy when and if he shows.

[Nero Wolfe]

I had thought of leaving that simple matter to you.

[Inspector Kramer]

And what about the simple matter of the money?

[Nero Wolfe]

Money?

[Inspector Kramer]

I. I hate to bring up a vulgar subject, but where is it coming from?

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, of course, you're right, Archie. I should have said. Said what? Charge it.

[Inspector Kramer]

Boss. Look, you don't realize. I know, but we're into that truffle broker for 500 odd bucks and change.

[Nero Wolfe]

All right, all right, then give him a check.

[Inspector Kramer]

Okay, okay, I will give him a check. And I hope they'll let you keep the orchids in your cell.

[Archie Goodwin]

You're a wit, Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

You know I'm on the bank's mailing list. We got a notice this morning.

[Nero Wolfe]

You don't mean.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh, but I do. Again? Yeah, you just can't take money out of an account, boss. Sometimes you gotta put some in.

This is the only way to deal with the man I work for. And if I hadn't thrown him that scare, he wouldn't have been willing to listen when the door buzzer rang and a prosperous looking young guy in the kind of clothes that don't grow on trees came in and stood in front of the boss's chair, fiddling with the brim of his pork pie. My name is Oliphant, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oliphant?

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, sir. Oliphant. I am the spiritual leader and guiding head of a small religious group known as the Seekers of the Inner Power.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see also a man addicted to marrying neither wisely nor well, but often.

[Inspector Kramer]

You read the papers? I do, Mr. Wolf. I am as aware of my sin ridden past as anyone else is. The point is that I'm no longer that kind of man. Even a person such as I can see the light in time.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good. May they ask why you've come to see me, Mr. Oliphant?

[Inspector Kramer]

I need your help, Mr. Wolf, concerning a certain young lady with whom I'm deeply in love. I beg you not to confuse the present emotion with any of my earlier escapades. What I feel for Ms. Dana is the pure and righteous glow of an upright seeker of the inner power.

[Nero Wolfe]

I promise to look on you as thoroughly redeemed, Mr. Oliver. Proceed. Oh, by the way, do I recognize the name of your young lady as a Park Avenue socialite, an amateur sweeper?

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, but she's sweet, wonderful, beautiful. I've asked her to marry me and she's given me some hope. In time, I fully expect to make her my wife. Well, then where's the problem? The problem is the presence of another man in her life.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm sorry, sir. I'm a detective, not a matchmaker.

[Inspector Kramer]

This isn't a question of making a match, Mr. Wolf. I have much too much respect for your talents to think of offering you such an assignment.

[Nero Wolfe]

Exactly what do you want me to do?

[Inspector Kramer]

I want you to save Ilsa Dana's life.

[Archie Goodwin]

A life?

[Inspector Kramer]

Mr. Wolf, this other man I spoke of is insanely jealous. Not only of Ilsa's present, but of her past as well. He has threatened to kill her.

[Nero Wolfe]

I don't doubt your earnestness in this matter, Mr. Oliphant, but how would you know?

[Inspector Kramer]

I was listening on an extension in Ms. Dana's apartment a few days ago when Hunter called.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hunter?

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, sir. Jack Hunter, known as Jack the Babe Hunter. Wait. Wait a minute. I know that canvas back. Sure. He's a coffee and cake prelim walsall. Oh, he is not. He's a boxer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie is being fancy overlooking Mr. Oliphant. Is Hunter in love with this lady of yours?

[Inspector Kramer]

I doubt it. He's a man of complete moral and spiritual corruption, I believe.

[Nero Wolfe]

Naturally you would. But what are the facts?

[Inspector Kramer]

In my opinion, he's after her for her money.

[Nero Wolfe]

She has money to burn. And you, Mr. Oliphant?

[Inspector Kramer]

Me?

[Nero Wolfe]

Can you also afford to burn?

[Inspector Kramer]

How much do you want?

[Nero Wolfe]

The answer to that would be astronomical. However, if you leave a check for, say, $7,000, I shall look into your matter the very moment I have completed a little research into the nutrition of the Polynesian orchid.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oliphant's check gave our bank account a slight blood transfusion. I think it was the boss's plan to spend a week or two in the plant room before he got busy on the case. And he'd have done it, too, if that phone call hadn't come in about a little after nine. Just after Wolf had polished off one of Fritz's dinners and was settling back with a stein of beer in his hand.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't Disturb yourself, Archie. I'll get it.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

We'll look out.

[Inspector Kramer]

Get on. Strain yourself, boss. You got to straighten out an elbow.

[Archie Goodwin]

To reach that receiver.

[Nero Wolfe]

You have an unfortunate flair for mixing humor with impertinence, my friend. Hello? Nero Wolf? Speaking.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

This is Ilsa Dana, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

How do you do, Ms. Dana? We were discussing you only this morning.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

So I've heard.

[Nero Wolfe]

Through whom?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

Ted Oliphant.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see. The young man seemed to be quite worried about you.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

The young man should tend to his own affairs.

[Nero Wolfe]

Said you were in some danger.

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I know what he said, and not one word of it was true. Oh, I'd like to talk to you, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm sure it'd be an immense pleasure. Where do you live?

[Gloria Kent / Dorothy Spencer / Ilsa Dana (female clients)]

I have an apartment at 22 Blanton Street. Could you be here soon?

[Nero Wolfe]

I could be there in a quarter of an hour, Ms. Dana. By proxy, of course.

[Inspector Kramer]

The proxy, naturally, was yours truly. Ten minutes later, at twenty past nine, I walked up to El Sedana's door with a nosy elevator boy giving me the double O. The reason for his interest was that her door was open and the room inside was empty except for a little twisted pile of pale pink satin, which at close range turned out to be a woman. Which woman turned out to be Ilsa Dana. And Ilsa Dana was dead.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

She used to be pretty.

[Inspector Kramer]

She isn't now, as strangulation doesn't help any girl's looks. Sonic. Make anything of it? Well, the position of her body and the blood stains on her pointed fingernails tells me that she put up a tough struggle before somebody succeeded in smothering with a pillow from the sofa over there. Yeah, it figures.

[Archie Goodwin]

When did it happen, I wonder?

[Inspector Kramer]

In the last 15 minutes, I'd guess. Say, who's been up in the elevator this evening?

[Archie Goodwin]

Nobody for her.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, somebody came up. Who says not? They could have used the stairs, you know.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Inspector Kramer]

How well do you know Ms. Dana? I know exactly zero about Ms. Dana. How could you ride her up and down every day? You know nothing about her. It's a rule at a house to keep your mouth shut. The rule also goes when being questioned by a cop. A cop? Who's a cop? Oh, I guess you're a cello player from the Philharmonic. Look, I happen to work for a guy named Nero Wolf. Oh, Heard of him, maybe? Well, if your memory comes alive, son, I might see my way clear to spend a few dollars with you.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Understand?

[Inspector Kramer]

I'll keep you in mind. Going down, mister?

I spent time trying to get sense out of the superintendent and a set of chambermaids, but they were as quiet as a ballpark on Christmas Eve. Then I called the cops and told them about Elephant and Hunter. By the time I got home, the house was dark and Nero Wolf was sleeping. Next morning, I gave him the details while he drank three bottles of beer. When I finished, he sat for a long time and then started another bottle.

[Nero Wolfe]

The prize fighter. What about the prize fighter? Archie Hunter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, I phoned the hotel he lives in before you got up and they told me he wasn't in.

[Nero Wolfe]

You know, I begin to think that Mr. Oliphant brought us a more absorbing case than he suspected.

[Inspector Kramer]

You know, I'm glad you like it.

[Nero Wolfe]

I don't like it. I don't like work of any variety, but this thing has its points.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, what do we do next?

[Nero Wolfe]

Next, we investigate my client.

[Inspector Kramer]

What?

[Nero Wolfe]

Merely because a reform playboy employs a detective doesn't exempt him from suspicion.

[Archie Goodwin]

At you.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh, now who's that?

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm afraid we have new choice but to open the door and see.

[Inspector Kramer]

My name is Young. Barstow Young. It's nice meeting you, Mr. Young. What do you want? I want to see Nero Wolf. About?

About a certain young lady with whom I am deeply in love. Will you repeat that? I want to see Mr. Wolf about a certain young lady with whom I am deeply in love. Her name, please? Ilsa Dana. Is it possible that you entertain plans of making her your wife? Why.

Yes, but there's a problem invol. Another man?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, then, do come in. Do come in. I think we've been waiting for you. Oh, Mr. Wolf. Here's another one. Ah, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

You've come to me about Ms. Ilset Dana, sir?

[Inspector Kramer]

I have come to you more specifically about a man who has threatened her life. How unusual. He's the treacherous kind. Mild mannered, you know. As we say in my profession, he underplays it.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your profession then, is the stage?

[Inspector Kramer]

It is, sir. Go on.

[Nero Wolfe]

You interest me deeply.

[Inspector Kramer]

I was present recently when he told her that he would certainly kill her unless she mended her sinful ways. Sinful? No one denies that Ilse has had, shall we say, a checkered career. But the man's attitude is totally fanatical.

[Nero Wolfe]

What's his particular brand of fanaticism, Mr. Young?

[Inspector Kramer]

Theodore Oliphant is a religious maniac. Well, what do you know? He's come to give Theodore a bad report card. I don't understand. I. I've come to ask Mr. Wolf to prevent his murdering Ms. Dana.

[Nero Wolfe]

Am I allowed a direct question, sir? Why, of course. Where were you between 9 and 9:20pm last night. 9 and 9?

[Inspector Kramer]

Why do you ask?

[Nero Wolfe]

You said I was permitted a direct question.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh, I was walking in the park, as I remember.

[Nero Wolfe]

Do you make a habit of walking in the park?

[Archie Goodwin]

I have lately.

[Inspector Kramer]

I'm preparing for an important role in the forthcoming production. What's so important about last night, from.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your point of view? A great deal, sir.

[Inspector Kramer]

What do you mean?

[Nero Wolfe]

Last night Ms. Ilsa Dana was murdered.

[Inspector Kramer]

What?

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Goodwin here discovered the body. No, I'm afraid I must insist, Mr. Young.

[Inspector Kramer]

Why are you looking at me like that?

Are you accusing me of.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have accused you of nothing, my dear sir.

[Inspector Kramer]

Now, look, you're making a mistake. Oliphant killed her, you may be sure of that.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have your word?

[Inspector Kramer]

I know him. He was trying to reform her. Wanted to make her a devout follower of his cult, the Seekers of Power. I heard him tell her to her face that if she refused redemption, he would see to it that she didn't live on in her wickedness.

[Nero Wolfe]

You could produce other witnesses.

[Inspector Kramer]

Do you know, in your own smug way, you're as detestable a character as.

[Archie Goodwin]

I have ever had?

[Inspector Kramer]

All right, all right, let's everybody take five. Yeah, Nero.

[Nero Wolfe]

Wolf.

[Inspector Kramer]

He's busy. This is Archie Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

You'll do. Goodwin, this is Jack the Babe Hunter.

[Inspector Kramer]

Oh, how are you?

[Archie Goodwin]

Great, except the cops seem to want to talk to me about some murder fandango. Because as I get it, you name.

[Inspector Kramer]

My name, you got it wrong.

[Archie Goodwin]

I doubt it. And I'm coming over there to set you straight.

Why'd you ring me in on this mess, Wolf?

[Nero Wolfe]

You knew the girl pretty well.

[Archie Goodwin]

Me? And how many more besides? What time was she murdered last night?

[Nero Wolfe]

Between 9 and 9:20.

[Archie Goodwin]

I see.

[Nero Wolfe]

So if you will inform the police where you were at the time, that should be that.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

By the way, Mr. Hunter, where were you at the time?

[Archie Goodwin]

I don't see your badge, Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

I was only wondering.

[Archie Goodwin]

I haven't been near the Dana woman for over a month. But if you're really interested, I'll give you the name of the killer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Please do not keep us in suspense, Mr. Hunter.

[Archie Goodwin]

A couple of years back, Ilsa financed a guy in a big and lousy Shakespearean play that closed like a clam and nothing flat.

[Nero Wolfe]

Go on.

[Archie Goodwin]

It was money down the drain. The guy's got nerve and he was in love with her and he figured she'd do anything for him. So he comes back to her to finance him again. This time in Hamlet, no less.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see.

[Archie Goodwin]

I don't have to Tell you what a flop that would be.

[Nero Wolfe]

You needn't tell me the actor's name either. You know, Mr. Barstow, Young just left here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah? Well, he's your man, Wolf. He got so sore when she told him she wouldn't toss any more moolah into his broken down career, he went off his rocker and tore it down.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your reason for thinking so.

[Archie Goodwin]

I met him on the street one day and he started beefing to me with blood in his eyes so I could do not to punch him.

[Nero Wolfe]

Results might have been less fatal if you'd followed your instincts, sir.

[Archie Goodwin]

I couldn't. Guy's built like a broomstick. He's weak as a cat. Hit him once, he'd crack like dry plaster.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see.

[Archie Goodwin]

What'S on your mind.

[Nero Wolfe]

This man you're accusing of Ms. Stainer's murder, Mr. Hunter, he was very much in love with her. She was thinking about marrying him, he said.

[Archie Goodwin]

He said.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, he did. I heard him, too.

[Archie Goodwin]

He was talking through his skull.

[Inspector Kramer]

Cap.

[Archie Goodwin]

You also wasn't going to marry anybody.

[Nero Wolfe]

No.

[Archie Goodwin]

No, she couldn't.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why couldn't she?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, she just couldn't, that's all. So long.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, now we got a perfect circle with everybody pointing at everybody else and nobody able to prove a thing.

[Nero Wolfe]

What Hunter says isn't impossible, Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

You think Young did it?

[Nero Wolfe]

I don't think at all yet. But if there's anything more dangerous than a woman scorned, it's an actor scorned. We have another visitor.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Nero Wolfe]

Who are you expecting? At this point? Anybody?

[Inspector Kramer]

Hi.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Inspector Kramer]

I told you you might hear from me. Come on in.

[Nero Wolfe]

Who's this?

[Inspector Kramer]

Fella runs the elevator at 22 Blanton Street. What do you got for me, kid? Postcard.

[Nero Wolfe]

Postcard? Yeah.

[Inspector Kramer]

The cops missed it, but I spotted the edge stuck under a rug.

[Nero Wolfe]

Nice of you to have delivered it.

[Inspector Kramer]

Maybe he was just being curious.

[Archie Goodwin]

Curious?

[Inspector Kramer]

It's not every elevator boy who has a chance to see Nero Wolf in the flesh. Oh, him come off at high pockets. I'm here cause you mentioned something about spending a few bucks. Oh, I wouldn't cross the street to see the best gumshoe that ever breathed. Look, gum shoes don't breathe. And how would you like a sockie?

[Nero Wolfe]

Pay him and let him go.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yeah, pay me and let me go. Sure, Mr. Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

Here you are.

[Inspector Kramer]

Thanks. Don't mention it. Anytime, pal.

[Nero Wolfe]

Any time.

[Inspector Kramer]

How do you like that? Fresh little punk.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, the lad has done us nobly.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

A typewritten card addressed to Ms. Ilsa Dana. What's it Say, rather peculiar message. Have you prayed tonight? It's signed with a single letter, O.

[Inspector Kramer]

Have you prayed tonight? Yes. Signed O.

[Nero Wolfe]

Exactly. Weird, isn't it?

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, what's weird about it? What could be plainer? Have you prayed tonight? Now I ask you, who is the man in this deal who is interested in praying?

[Nero Wolfe]

All of us, I hope, are God fearing.

[Inspector Kramer]

All right, all right. But I ask you again, what does O stand for?

[Nero Wolfe]

It could stand for o' Brien obituary. Omaha.

[Inspector Kramer]

What about Oliphant?

[Nero Wolfe]

Oliphant too.

[Inspector Kramer]

What's with this indifference? The case is cracking and you slough it off. You remember what Young said? Oliphant threatened to kill her because she wouldn't join that cockeyed movement of his.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't exhaust yourself, Archie. We have a hard night ahead.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yes, but I don't understand.

[Nero Wolfe]

I don't mean to stifle your imagination, my friend, but if you'd reserve your deductions for a little while, you could lend me some much needed assistance.

[Inspector Kramer]

What do you want?

[Nero Wolfe]

I want you to become a burglar.

[Inspector Kramer]

A burglar?

[Nero Wolfe]

I want you to hurry over to the dead woman's apartment on Branton street and ransack it. For what? How do I know? We need help. Anything may help us go through the place with a fine tooth comb.

[Inspector Kramer]

I tore the late Ms. Dana's apartment to shreds, but I saw nothing. Then, just as I was about to give it up as a bum job, I noticed a little writing desk in the living room. Pride loose the lock and spotted something among a pile of papers that belonged to no well to do flat. It was a pawn ticket lot 8N046 and the address was a pawn shop around the corner on 6th Avenue. It wasn't more than 90 seconds later that I walked into the joint and tossed the ticket across the counter.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh. Oh, yeah, this. Want to redeem it?

[Inspector Kramer]

And fast. Up pops.

[Nero Wolfe]

That's nothing. That's worth much, Mr. No.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh.

[Inspector Kramer]

What is it? This small steel filing box. Anything in it?

[Nero Wolfe]

I don't know. Come to me. Locked.

[Inspector Kramer]

Never been able to get it open.

We got it open. Wolf and I smashed the front end with a poker. There were some odds and ends inside, old earrings, some thumbtacks, a cigarette lighter. Just trash. Then the boss stuck his fingers in and pulled out a plum.

[Nero Wolfe]

This is it.

[Inspector Kramer]

What do you mean, this is it?

[Nero Wolfe]

You fail to recognize this classic document, huh? Marriage license. A marriage license?

[Inspector Kramer]

Now? Well, whose marriage license?

[Nero Wolfe]

Wording is self explanatory. Listen, this is to certify. Etc. Etc. Thus licensing on this third day of May, 1946, the marriage of Ms. Ilsa Dana to Mr. Yuan. Yeager. Johan Jaeger. Exactly.

[Inspector Kramer]

Well, who in the world is Johann Jaeger?

[Nero Wolfe]

We'll soon see.

[Inspector Kramer]

I don't get it.

[Nero Wolfe]

I can understand. It's a befuddling little puzzle. It'll be very easy for one to make a fatal mistake here.

[Inspector Kramer]

But of course, you won't.

[Nero Wolfe]

I won't.

[Inspector Kramer]

Three hours later, I'd herded all the suspects into the office, and he sat in his chair and glared at them. Elephant. Young and hungry. It was tense and tight, and the boss let it stay that way, saying not a word to anybody while he calmly sipped his beer. It was Oliphant who cracked first. I didn't kill Hillside.

[Archie Goodwin]

Couldn't have.

[Nero Wolfe]

Jealousy is a very compelling motive, Mr. Oliphant. And you came to me, remember, complaining that there was another man in Ilsa Dana's life?

[Inspector Kramer]

Whatever I complained about, and. And jealous as I was, I didn't kill her. As the sacred power. As my holy judge.

[Nero Wolfe]

Being unacquainted with your sacred power, I'd have to ask you for a better authority.

[Inspector Kramer]

Sacred power. It simply wouldn't have been possible for.

[Nero Wolfe]

Me to have done it. Why not?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, why not?

[Inspector Kramer]

Because I.

I was at Mickey's Night Owl Club last night from 7 until 4am contemplating the sacred power. No doubt that can be proved.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Oliphant. Let me call now.

[Inspector Kramer]

Let the head waiter tell you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mmm. Well, you take your embarrassment as an indication that you're telling the truth.

[Inspector Kramer]

Hey, wait a minute. You. You can't let him off like that.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't be bothersome, Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

Yeah, but we got that card he wrote. The one about have you prayed tonight? Signed with his initial.

[Nero Wolfe]

He didn't write that card, Archie. Now, look. And the O is not his initial, is it, Mr. Bastow Young?

[Inspector Kramer]

I'm afraid I. I don't understand.

[Nero Wolfe]

On the contrary, I am afraid you do. But for the record, I'll explain.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, boss.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hand Mr. Young that large red volume off the shelf behind Mr. Hunter's head.

[Inspector Kramer]

This one?

[Nero Wolfe]

That one. Thank you. Now then, Mr. Young, you will favor me by opening the volume to page 1133. But why open it, sir.

Good. You will now count six lines down from the top and read what you see.

[Inspector Kramer]

Have you prayed tonight?

[Nero Wolfe]

Thank you, Mr. Yang.

[Inspector Kramer]

What the devil is going on?

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Yang has just given us a reading from a tragedy. The line, have you prayed tonight? Is spoken by the hero to the heroine just before he murders her. The name of the heroine is Desdemona. And the hero, as I'm sure you all know, is Othello.

[Inspector Kramer]

Othello? Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

The O was not Oliphant, Archie. Othello, I think, was a Shakespearean play which Miss Dana financed for our Mr. Young. And knowing she would recognize the quotation as well as the threat behind it, he sent it to her to warn her that he meant to murder her. You won't have the unmitigated gall to deny that, will you, Mr. Young? No.

[Inspector Kramer]

No, I don't deny it. Do I call the police? But I didn't kill her.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

The fact that I sent the car.

[Inspector Kramer]

Doesn'T mean I killed her. Well, it'll do for my money.

[Nero Wolfe]

But not for mine. Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

What?

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Young couldn't have killed Ms. Dana.

[Archie Goodwin]

Why not?

[Nero Wolfe]

Because he lacks the strength to strangle such a healthy young woman. A champion athlete, wide awake and full of fight. He's rather a frail person, as we know. And smothering Ms. Dana with that pillow was no easy task. She struggled, therefore, she clawed the wrists of the murderer. I'm sure that if you examine Mr. Young's wrists, you will find no scratches or scars.

[Inspector Kramer]

Here, let me see that. Go ahead.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, Archie, you're right. Nothing. I was sure there wouldn't be. The person who actually killed Ms. Dana was a powerful physical specimen. Yeah? Yes, Mr. Hunter. In all probability, a professional athlete. A muscular man in good condition.

[Archie Goodwin]

You pointing at me?

[Nero Wolfe]

Seems quite likely, doesn't it?

[Inspector Kramer]

You're out of your head.

[Nero Wolfe]

Am I?

[Inspector Kramer]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

Il sedhen var Iafrau Nietvar. I. I mean, you said, yeah, Mr. Hunter. And you meant your yes. I asked you in German if Elsa Diner was your wife, and you, in the heat of emotion, answered me, yes, in your mother tongue.

[Inspector Kramer]

Look, what's going on here?

[Nero Wolfe]

Allow me to present Mr. Johann Yeager. Archie.

[Inspector Kramer]

Him.

[Nero Wolfe]

I've known him since we first saw that marriage license. You see, Jack Hunter is the English translation of our friend's real name back in Germany, where he comes from. Mr. Johann Yeager.

[Inspector Kramer]

What do you know?

[Archie Goodwin]

So you proved nothing. Yeah. I was married to Ilsa. That's why I said she couldn't marry anybody else. But I didn't kill her. She was my wife. I loved her.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ollivan told us you were insanely jealous of him.

[Archie Goodwin]

What if he did? You know better.

[Nero Wolfe]

Do we? Sure you do.

[Archie Goodwin]

Ieltsa told yourself over the phone that every word Olyphant said was a lie.

[Nero Wolfe]

Interesting.

[Archie Goodwin]

What is?

[Nero Wolfe]

How you could possibly know what Ilsa Dana told me over the phone. I haven't mentioned it to you or anybody else.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, well. Well, you see.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see most clearly, Mr. Yeager, that you must have been in the apartment with her, listening on the extension phone, or you couldn't possibly have that information. And it was only a few minutes after that telephone call that Il Sedana was smothered to death. And.

[Archie Goodwin]

I see it's about time I said good night.

[Inspector Kramer]

Wait a minute, Yeager.

[Narrator/Archie Goodwin (narration)]

Wait a minute.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good work, Archie. I advise you to sit still, Mr. Joanna Hunter.

[Inspector Kramer]

I was right. I told you he threatened to kill her.

[Archie Goodwin]

But why?

[Nero Wolfe]

I've only guessed at the story, Reconstructed it, so to say. But I think you and Mr. Young ought to be congratulated.

[Inspector Kramer]

On what, sir?

[Nero Wolfe]

On not having won your fair lady. You've always thought of her as a sweet, demure society girl. But actually she was a vicious person. As bad as the man who killed her, if not worse. She tortured him cruelly for four long years.

[Inspector Kramer]

How can you say that about her?

[Nero Wolfe]

How can you doubt it, Mr. Oliphant? There must have been a great many men in her life. We know at least two definitely you and Mr. Young.

[Inspector Kramer]

But she was in love with me. She was in love with me.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'm sorry to shatter your illusions, but she was not in love with either of you. She was using you for her purpose. What was her purpose? Tormenting the man she married. That was her preoccupation. Day and night. She delighted in tyrannizing over him as one might in breaking a bull or taming a wild mustang. Do I come near the truth, Hunter? Yes.

[Archie Goodwin]

Until I couldn't stand it any longer.

[Nero Wolfe]

May I ask then, why you married her?

[Inspector Kramer]

Why?

[Archie Goodwin]

Because I couldn't help myself.

[Inspector Kramer]

I crawled for her.

[Archie Goodwin]

I married her on the terms that nobody should ever know I was her husband. She was too good for me. She told me that to my face over and over. But we belonged to different worlds. But I was crazy about her, so I took it. What I've taken, you wouldn't believe.

[Nero Wolfe]

Oh, I'm sure I would, Mr. Hunt. I'm a very understanding man. The question is, will a jury believe you? And that we must begin to learn immediately. Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

Phone for Inspector Kramer.

[Inspector Kramer]

You have been listening to the New Adventures of Nero Wolf, starring Sydney Greenstreet.

Tonight's transcribed story by Peter Berry was based on the famous characters created by Rex Stout. This is an Edwin Fadiman program, produced and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Herb Ellis as Archie Goodwin and Lee Millar, Marna Keneally, Larry Dobkin, Barney Phillips and Jerry Hosner. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the headless Hunter. Don Stanley speaking.

And don't forget, this Sunday marks the premiere of the big show on NBC. Not just any big show, it's the big show, NBC's hour and a half of comedy, music, drama and the best of each. The Big show will be heard every Sunday afternoon over most of these stations with Tallulah Bankhead as mistress of ceremonies. Your stars for this Sunday's broadcast include Jimmy Duratti, Fred Allen, Ethel Merman, Frankie Lane, Mindy Carson, Meredith Wilson, Danny Thomas and hosts of others. No wonder it's the Big show and Theater Guild on the air this Sunday presents Judy Garland in Miss Alice Adams. So don't forget, Tallulah Bankhead brings you the Big Show Sunday on NBC.

[Podcast Host]

We just heard Wally Mayer, Lamont Johnson and Herb Ellis as Archie Goodwin in the new Adventures of Nero Wolf. That will do it for this week's show. Thanks so much for joining me. I hope you'll be back next week as we finish out our Spotlight series on Nero Wolf. In that episode we'll hear Larry Dobkin, Gerald Moore and Harry Bartel all playing Archie Goodwin. Also, you can tune in this Wednesday for a bonus episode. Each Wednesday in December, I'm featuring some classic Christmas radio mysteries as we head into the holidays. You can also check out Stars on Suspense, my other old Time Radio podcast. New episodes of that show are out on Thursdays. If you like what you're hearing, don't be a stranger. You can rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. And if you'd like to lend support to the show, you can visit buymeacoffee.com meansts OTR. I'll be back next week with more Old Time Radio Mystery. But until then, good night and happy listening.

[Announcer]

Now here is our star, Vincent Price.

[Archie Goodwin]

Ladies and gentlemen. In a prejudice filled America, no one would be secure in his job, his.

[Nero Wolfe]

Business, his church or his home.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yet racial and religious antagonisms are exploited by daily by quacks and adventurers whose followers make up the irresponsible lunatic fringe of American life. Refuse to listen to or spread rumors against any race or religion. Help to stamp out prejudice in our country. Let's judge our neighbors by the character of their lives alone and not on the basis of their religion or origin.