120 Days and Counting

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – Episode "120 Days and Counting"

Introduction

In the episode titled "120 Days and Counting," released on April 19, 2025, Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages with a grieving widow who recently lost her husband. This heartfelt conversation delves deep into the complexities of grief, the challenges of navigating personal relationships post-loss, and the journey toward healing. Dr. Laura offers her signature no-nonsense advice, emphasizing ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility, while providing compassionate support to her caller.

Main Discussion Points

1. The Immediate Aftermath of Loss

   The caller, a 65-year-old woman, shares the sudden and unexpected loss of her husband after 43 years of marriage, having known each other since she was 12. Her husband passed away from a massive heart attack despite being in perfect health, leaving her to grapple with profound grief.

   "And he had a massive heart attack right in front of me. Within two hours, he was gone." [00:28]

2. The Grieving Process

   Dr. Laura emphasizes the longevity and depth of the grieving process, cautioning against expecting quick recovery. She advises the caller to stop "counting the days," a habit that perpetuates her sense of loss and prevents her from honoring her husband's memory.

   "Don't stop measuring every day. This counting the days is really bad. Stop counting the days." [02:41]

   Dr. Laura acknowledges that grief is a long-term journey, often taking years rather than months, and encourages acceptance of this reality.

   "This is going to take a couple of years." [03:42]

3. Impact on Relationships

   The sudden loss alters the caller's relationships with friends and family. Dr. Laura highlights that while others care deeply, they often don't know how to provide the right support, leading to strained interactions.

   "The relationship with all of those people now changes because you're alone, you're a widow, and you're upset and you're trying to carry on." [02:08]

   She explains that loved ones may unintentionally diminish the caller's grief by urging her to "get better soon," which can feel dismissive.

   "If anybody's telling you just, you know, have a stiff upper lip, two more months, it'll be better. Just say, you know what? Let's not talk." [05:26]

4. Seeking Support

   Recognizing the caller's efforts to maintain her social connections, Dr. Laura suggests focusing on those who remain in her life, such as her children and friends, who still need her. She also recommends professional therapy to help her navigate her emotions.

   "Tell you what, go into therapy and you can go for an hour without stopping." [04:12]

   The caller mentions joining a support group, finding some comfort in connecting with others who understand her loss.

   "I joined a support group and very diverse in the support group of their losses. And I went once and I'm going to go again. It's weekly." [08:40]

5. Honoring the Deceased

   Dr. Laura advises the caller to shift her focus from counting days since her husband's death to celebrating the years they shared together. This reframing serves to honor his memory rather than dwell on the loss.

   "Don't ever again be able to tell me or anyone else how many days it is. That's not honoring him. That's days since dead. How about years of life?" [10:26]

6. Reflecting on Happy Memories

   The conversation transitions to reminiscing about the positive aspects of the caller's marriage. She reflects on the happiness and stability her husband brought into her life, highlighting his supportive nature and the fulfilling years they spent together.

   "He was the love of your life and your partner for your whole life." [03:20]

   "He was right. It was bliss. It truly was bliss. Even the hard stuff." [11:25]

7. Moving Forward While Honoring the Past

   Dr. Laura underscores the importance of allowing oneself to grieve fully while also recognizing the need to continue living and supporting other aspects of life, such as family and friends.

   "Your husband is dead, but all the other people in your life are still here and they still need you." [03:53]

   The caller expresses a desire to move past the numerical representation of her grief by focusing on the meaningful years spent with her husband.

   "I'm gonna forget the 120. I'm gonna forget that." [12:36]

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On the Depth of Grief:

  "Madam Laurie, you're gonna feel like shit for quite a while." [01:35]

• On Honoring the Deceased:

  "Don't ever again be able to tell me or anyone else how many days it is. That's not honoring him." [10:26]

• On the Relationship's Impact:

  "The relationship with all of those people now changes because you're alone, you're a widow, and you're upset and you're trying to carry on." [02:08]

• On the Permanence of Loss:

  "There's no easy way around it." [06:29]

Conclusions

In "120 Days and Counting," Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides compassionate yet straightforward guidance to a woman navigating the tumultuous waters of sudden widowhood. The episode underscores the importance of acknowledging the long-term nature of grief, the need to seek appropriate support, and the value of honoring a loved one's memory by focusing on cherished years rather than the days since their passing. Dr. Laura's approach empowers listeners to embrace their emotions, maintain essential relationships, and gradually find a path toward healing without minimizing their loss.

Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the enduring impact of love and loss. Dr. Laura's empathetic yet pragmatic advice offers solace to those in mourning, encouraging them to honor their loved ones' legacies while finding strength to continue their lives. Whether you're personally experiencing grief or supporting someone who is, "120 Days and Counting" provides valuable insights into the grieving process and the journey toward emotional recovery.

Transcript

[A]

Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program, heard weekdays from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Laurie, welcome to the program.

[B]

Hi. Thank you. Thank you for taking the call. Hello. Recently, I. Recently I lost my husband. Suddenly. He. He was in.

[A]

How. What number of days? Once or years is recently?

[B]

It's 120 days today.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he. Yes, he. He was in perfect health. Perfect blood. EKGs, echo. And then he had, you know, months prior, and then he had a massive heart attack right in front of me. Within two hours, he was gone.

[A]

And how long were you married?

[B]

43 years. But I know him since I. 12 years old, so we were together 53 years.

[A]

That's.

[B]

I'm 65.

[A]

Pretty much your whole life. Yeah.

[B]

And I'm just trying to push through this. They're telling me that, you know, I have to just go through it, but it seems like the days are going on, it's getting tougher. I'm trying. I work so, you know, I work full time. I work from home.

[A]

Madam Laurie, you're gonna feel like shit for quite a while. Don't stop with the people. Mostly people tell you it's gonna get better soon. You need to go do something. I don't know. And the reality is it pains them to see you suffer. The relationship with all of those people now changes because you're alone, you're a widow, and you're upset and you're trying to carry on. They don't know what to do to make you feel better. They just want you to magically feel better because they care about you and because they don't know what else to do and it hurts the relationship they have with you. I mean, if I went to the movies every week with you and we just had a good time and ate nasty desserts. Yes. And this happened. I'd assume we weren't going to be doing that for a while. So. If I'm lonely, then I'm going to tell you. Get better soon. So I have company again. You see, I'm pointing out there are a million reasons that people try to cheer you up.

[B]

Yeah. I realize they don't. You know, they really don't know what to say to make me feel better. But nothing is really going to make me feel better.

[A]

Well, not now and not for quite a while. So stop measuring every day. This counting the days is really bad. Stop counting the days. I don't want to hear. I jest. I hang up on people. Who do the. I jest. The reason I do is because that means that as we go on in our phone call, you just go back to the beginning. It's just that I miss him. This is the love of your life and your partner for your whole life. You're not going to get over this soon.

[B]

Yes, that's. That's. I feel. I feel that.

[A]

Don't say, but you're not going to get over this soon. So stop counting the days, stop measuring how miserable you are every day and just accept that this is going to take a couple of years.

[B]

I see that. I feel that when, you know, I'm with people who I try and keep around, you know, my friends, my family, my children.

[A]

Good, because they would miss you terribly. You see, your husband is dead, but all the other people in your life are still here and they still need you. Listen to that carefully. This is not for your benefit.

[B]

I'm acting in front of them. You know, we do one thing at a time.

[A]

Tell you what, go into therapy and you can go for an hour without stopping. I can't do that here. So we have to take one thing at a time. Are you willing?

[B]

Sure, absolutely. Anything.

[A]

You have a moral. No, don't say anything. I'm not going to make you feel better by the end of the call. It's not going to happen. This is too big a breach. I'm not going to make you feel better. And none of your friends or family are going to make you feel better. You have to go through grief, and grief is tough. Plus, your life has to change now. All the things you normally did with him, around him, about him, that's all gone. That's where depression comes in. So this is very hard. Very hard. And in spite of your loss, if you have kids, you have grandkids, if you have friends, if you have other family, they still need you because you were important to them. So that puts an extra burden on you. I got that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And that's why this is all so hard. So if anybody's telling you just, you know, have a stiff upper lip, two more months, it'll be better. Just say, you know what? Let's not talk. Let's just not talk. No, this is crappy. And I gotta tell you, I can tell you why it's so crappy and so hard. You want to know why?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because you really loved him and he really loved you. In spite of all the bullshit that happened between you sometimes, you really loved him, he really loved you. And he's gone for the rest of your life. Yeah. So I expect a lot of crying. Ah. This is what it's like. There's no easy way around it.

[B]

No.

[A]

So people are trying to just cheer you up. Forget about it.

[B]

It's worse.

[A]

Yeah. Truly. Because they make you seem like there's something. I should be over this by now. They're telling me I should be better. That's crap. No, listen to me. It's not going to get better for quite a while. Eventually, but I have no idea what year eventually is. And it won't be sudden like his death. It'll be microscopic.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And I'm sorry it is so painful, but that's where the word bittersweet comes from. You had half a century of sweet losing. It is very bitter.

[B]

Oh, it's. It's painful. It's just.

[A]

Yes. Awful. It's awful. You're absolutely right.

[B]

You know, it was. It was. It was the best. It was really the best. And just to lose it in an instinct, it was just.

[A]

That's a shocker.

[B]

Dramatic. Yeah.

[A]

Yes, it is. It's a shocker.

[B]

You know, I don't know where my place is. I'm with single people. I feel awkward with couples. I feel awkward. I just. I could be in a room with 20 people and I feel alone.

[A]

Yeah. That's what it's going to be like for. For a while. Yep. Those are all real and perfect predicted feelings, in fact. That was very smart, very insightful of you to say. You're not sure where you fit right now. You fit with grieving women.

[B]

Yes. Maybe that's it. You're right. I joined a support group and very diverse in the support group of their losses. And. And I went once and I'm going to go again. It's weekly.

[A]

Good idea.

[B]

Did find a little comfort there. I did.

[A]

Good idea. Well, because you fit. You know, they understand. Everybody else is telling you, are you going to be. You know, they don't understand.

[B]

Somewhere, even I feel some way even worse than mine. And I said, wow. I mean, I had a wonderful life. I was truly blessed. And yeah, there's. And I say, my goodness.

[A]

Yeah, that's eye opening, isn't.

[B]

Was. Truly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Truly. Help some, you know, feel the anxiety and fear and loss after their loss. And I never really felt that. I just feel the sadness because he took care of, you know, everything was pretty much okay here. So he left. Everything good, you know, no burdens, no nothing. Just to live my life. I could see it. I see how he set it up.

[A]

Yeah. You have a good man you had a good man. Still have him. He's in your heart and mind.

[B]

It's still coming as months ago by the little things that are coming up. And I could see he lived in reality and he did the right thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

By me and my children.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Well, I did. I'll just continue to just.

[A]

I only ask you one thing. I only ask or recommend. I don't know which word you. You pick the better one. Don't ever again be able to tell me or anyone else how many days it is. That's not honoring him. That's days since dead. How about years of life? Days since dead does not honor him.

[B]

Right. He was 14 when I met him. Yeah.

[A]

Well. Years.

[B]

He died.

[A]

Years since 14. That's pretty amazing. That's like something made in heaven. How two wonderful people could find each other at 14 is freaking amazing. Woman.

[B]

I was 12 and he was 14.

[A]

I was an older stud. Did you.

[B]

Oh, just the best. I'm telling you. He was. He said he knew before I did. Which was probably true. I was 12 years old. What did I know? So much.

[A]

That's right. That's funny. He picked you out.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes. He sure did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was. He was right. It was. It was. It was bliss. It truly was bliss. Even the hard stuff.

[A]

Yeah. So many decades. How fortunate are you to have that for so many decades. Wow.

[B]

I just thought it was. It was going to be there. I took that for granted. I never expected this so soon. In such an instinct. Say to myself if he was sick or something. But that's selfish. I don't. I never want to see him suffer. My kids say he went out like a king. The loss is just tremendous.

[A]

Yes. It is. Only because it was so wonderful. Losses are not huge unless what you lost was wonderful.

[B]

Yeah. It was. It was greatness. It really was. Thank you all. I'm gonna see if I can. I'm gonna forget the number. I'm gonna forget the 120. I'm gonna forget that.

[A]

Yeah. Because that just. That doesn't honor his life. It just points at his death.

[B]

You're right. Exactly. That dreaded day. Exactly. It does. It does. I'm just going to try it on. Every day that he. He lived and he did the right thing and. Thank you.

[A]

I'm curious. This sounds weird, but if he were on the other line from heaven, what do you think he'd say to you right now?

[B]

Oh, he would say, enough. You need to get over this. This is why I put everything in place. Please go. And that's I know him. I could hear him. I could hear it.

[A]

So he'd nag you too, Move on?

[B]

Yes, he surely would.

[A]

Well, you can't just move on. Doesn't happen that fast. And if you need to call me and just update retread attire, give me a call. You know where I am.

[B]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Just, you know, stopping the 120 is helping me a little bit here. Now I don't have to think about that anymore.

[A]

No, just think of how cute he was.

[B]

16. Yes.

[A]

18, 20, 14. Just think how cute he was at 14. So describe to me before you go, what did he look like at 14?

[B]

Oh, they're handsome. Oh my goodness. Beautiful blue eyes, dark hair. Just even when he passed, even when we were in the hospital, I said look out together. He looks so handsome. Handsome guy just took care of, you know, himself. And he was just such a dapper looking guy. He was just. No one could believe that he passed because he just looked so great. Always, always in shape and everything.

[A]

Well, I'm glad you two had his best years.

[B]

That's true. I didn't see him suffer for anything.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My kids said he was retired early and he had everything in life he wanted. He says, mom, he used to walk around here bored because he had everything. You know, he just hang around me and we, you know, just do nothing together. But that was fine. It was okay.

[A]

It's romantic. It is.

[B]

You know, that's just the way it was. It's always been okay. But.

[A]

Well, those are good memories. If you want to call and share some more with me another time, do it. Okay.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

[A]

You're very welcome. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.