3 Simple Ways to Rebuild a Marriage

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: 3 Simple Ways to Rebuild a Marriage
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger (A)
Caller: Mila (B)
Date: September 15, 2025

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Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura counsels Mila, a caller grappling with the lasting impacts of childhood sexual trauma and the strain it’s placed on her marriage. The conversation is a raw, compassionate, and directive exploration of trauma, accountability, and actionable steps for healing and rekindling marital intimacy. Dr. Laura distills her “three loving things” practice—a practical daily guide for rebuilding relationships touched by deep wounds.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Unpacking Childhood Trauma and Its Effects

• Mila’s Background:
  Mila reveals her traumatic upbringing, marked by sexual abuse from her stepfather and emotional neglect by her mother.

  • “I was raped and groomed from the age of 13 or 14, to right before I started college.” (B, 02:13)
  • Her mother, though present in the home, was distracted by caring for Mila's younger, chronically ill sister, leaving Mila vulnerably isolated.

• Emotional Consequences:
  Mila admits she sought affection and validation through promiscuity after the abuse ended.

  • “I threw myself at strangers and was pretty promiscuous and reckless with my life.” (B, 04:06)

2. Meeting Her Husband: A Turning Point

• First Signs of a Healthier Relationship:
  Mila describes her husband as the first man to show her true integrity and care.

  • “He was the first example of what a real man was I had ever met … he taught me a lot when it came to integrity, when it came to what it actually means to be honest.” (B, 08:09)
  • He valued honesty and family, and prompted her to confront her past.

• Revelation and Support:
  Mila bravely disclosed her history to her husband; he was initially shocked but continued to support her, urging her to share the truth with her family.

3. The Fallout: Family Betrayal and Marital Strain

• Lack of Support from Family:
  After revealing her abuse, Mila’s mother chose to stay with her abuser (the stepfather), deepening Mila's feelings of abandonment and injustice.

  • "My mom decided to stay with my stepfather. My sisters... I don't even know what to say about my sisters." (B, 09:37)

• Redirected Anger and Marital Crisis:
  Mila confesses she's been lashing out at her husband, feeling resentment for not finding support where she most expected it.

  • “I took out a lot of my anger and resentment out on my husband… I resented him because I opened up about it and it felt like I didn't get justice.” (B, 10:29)

4. Dr. Laura’s Direct Guidance: Clarity and Accountability

• Cold Truths and Perspective Shift:
  Dr. Laura challenges Mila’s expectation of support from negligent family members, urging her to pour her energy into her loving husband.
  • “These people are too whacked out to be by your side. You have somebody. This man you married, he's the one you have by your side… You got lucky, woman, and found somebody to be by your side.” (A, 11:12)
  • “You can decide to be sweet, loving, affectionate, appreciative, kind, considerate, and do nice things for him in gratitude—or be crazy like you're doing now.” (A, 11:37)

5. Three Simple Ways to Rebuild the Marriage (The “Three Loving Things” Practice)

• Practical Assignment:
  Dr. Laura asks Mila to immediately name three loving gestures she could do for her husband—emphasizing small, consistent acts as a path toward healing and marital renewal.

  • “Give me three loving things that would shock the crap out of him if you did them today.” (A, 12:27)
  • Mila’s list:
    1. “Make a dinner that he likes.” (B, 12:45)
    2. “Give him a massage without asking him.” (B, 12:55)
    3. “Write him a letter, telling him…” (B, 13:16)

• Emotional Impact:
  Dr. Laura promises this daily practice will not only restore Mila’s relationship, but transform her own emotional state.

  • “Every day you're going to do three things for him. And this is your treatment plan.” (A, 13:22)
  • “One month from now, if you do these three things every day... If you listen to a tape of you today, you're not going to recognize yourself.” (A, 14:31)

6. Revisiting the Mother-Daughter Relationship

• Emotional Conflict:
  Despite her mother's betrayal, Mila struggles with residual love and longing.

  • “It's almost like I can't help but love her because she can be kind and sweet with me.” (B, 15:02)

• Clear Warning from Dr. Laura:
  Dr. Laura insists Mila's mother is dangerous, manipulative, and incapable of providing the safety and affirmation Mila craves.

  • “She's a dangerous, destructive person who is staying with the man who devastated your life… Don't go backwards for sick affection. Don't do it.” (A, 15:28)
  • “The key to the truth of what a piece of crap she is is she kept him.” (A, 16:07)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You can decide to be sweet, loving, affectionate, appreciative, kind, considerate, and do nice things for him in gratitude—or be crazy like you're doing now.”
  — Dr. Laura (11:37)

• “I threw myself at strangers and was pretty promiscuous and reckless with my life. And then I met my husband.”
  — Mila (04:06)

• “Every day you're going to do three things for him. And this is your treatment plan.”
  — Dr. Laura (13:22)

• “She's a dangerous, destructive person… Don't go backwards for sick affection. Don't do it.”
  — Dr. Laura (15:28)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Unpacking Childhood Trauma: 02:08–04:06
• Meeting and Marrying Her Husband: 08:09–09:16
• Family Fallout & Marital Strain: 09:16–10:49
• Dr. Laura’s “Three Loving Things” Advice: 12:24–13:22
• Mother-Daughter Dynamic: 15:02–16:27

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Conclusion

Dr. Laura’s direct and compassionate style gives Mila both a reality check and a practical plan for mending her marriage and moving beyond the traumas of her upbringing. The core advice—focusing on daily, loving actions toward the spouse—serves as a straightforward yet powerful tool for healing deep relational wounds. For listeners facing similar post-traumatic challenges, this episode offers honest validation, actionable advice, and a reminder that building positive daily habits can restore trust and gratitude in marriage.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

So I'll try to make it short, but long story short, I don't need.

[A]

You to make it short, Mila. I need you to make it clear enough that I have enough information to be helpful. Doesn't have to be.

[B]

Okay. Okay. So I have a lot of sexual trauma from when I was a kid, from my stepfather. Sorry, I've had. What does that mean?

[A]

A lot of sexual trauma. What actually happened?

[B]

I. I was raped and groomed from the age of 13 or 14 to right before I started college and my husband I met while I was living.

[A]

Wait just a second. Just a second. If you want me to be helpful, I have to understand. Did you have a mother in the house?

[B]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[A]

When he was raping and molesting you, was your mother home?

[B]

Yeah, most of the times. But she was busy with my youngest sister who is severely. She has a lot of severe health issues. So my mom was busy with my younger sister.

[A]

And you never let on or mentioned or stayed with your mother instead of being alone with him?

[B]

No, because I had my own issues with my mother. I was afraid of my mom and resentful about many things. And I.

[A]

You. You were not afraid of your stepdad or you took that as.

[B]

No, I thought, I thought, I thought it was affection and my stepdad, so I thought he was God in my eyes.

[A]

And why did it stop at why did it ever stop?

[B]

Because I got old enough where I felt very, very uncomfortable and, you know, I wanted to have a normal life.

[A]

So did you miss the woohoo? Did you miss the affection though?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How did you deal with that? How did you deal with missing the affection?

[B]

I threw myself at strangers and was pretty promiscuous and reckless with my life. And then I met my husband.

[A]

And how did you meet him? Where did you meet him?

[B]

We met at an event where we both went by ourselves. We both love this artist and that's how we met. And he was the first example what a real man was I had ever met. Like, he's on it.

[A]

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[B]

Because sex wasn't the first thing that he wanted. He actually very directly told me when he first met me that he wanted a family and he wanted, he was looking for a wife and wanted someone to have children with and someone that believes in God and, and he taught me a lot when it came to integrity, when it came to what it actually means to be honest. I always thought I was an honest person and meeting him made me realize how much of a lie my life was. Because I didn't, I didn't confront any of that. I just kind of shoved it to the back of my mind. I wanted to go to medical school. So it was school and smoking weed every day. And my husband was so open and kind and loving that it made me want to open up to him. And I told him everything, Dr. Laura. I told him literally everything that was important to do.

[A]

So that was brave of you and that was the right thing to do. Proud of you. How did he react?

[B]

He was freaked out a little bit because it was a lot. But he was very supportive and his first reaction was, you need to let your family know because my sisters still lived at home, because he encouraged me to move out of the house and I did. And it wasn't until I moved out that it kind of all crashed onto me, the realization of my home life. And I feel like I didn't really process a lot of it because I found out I was pregnant. And then I told my family, and my mom decided to stay with my stepfather. My sisters. I don't even know what to say about my sisters. And now my marriage is falling apart. And that's why I'm calling you, is because, like, I know I have all this trauma that I have to deal with.

[A]

Explain to me why your marriage is falling apart. Why would it fall apart?

[B]

Because I think I took out a lot of my anger and resentment out on my husband. And it was almost like I resented him because I opened up about it and it felt like I didn't get justice or the people I thought that would be by my side weren't on my side.

[A]

And I'm sorry. Who did you think would be by your side?

[B]

My mom.

[A]

Why? Stop, stop. One at a time. One. Ma', am, if I'm going to help you, you have to stay with me. Don't jump ahead, okay? Your mom. You already hated her. She wasn't warm and loving to you. So why would you think of your mom? Your stepdad, he's the one who molested you. Why would you think he would be by your side? Your sister, who now is in the position of getting the affection you gave up. These people are too whacked out to be by your side. You have somebody. This man you married, he's the one you have by your side. The people who hurt you and didn't care if you were hurt, of course they're not going to be by your side. It's irrational to imagine they would. But you got lucky. You seriously got lucky, woman, and found somebody to be by your side. So you can decide to be sweet, loving, affectionate, appreciative, kind, considerate, and do nice things for him in gratitude or be crazy like you're doing now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So give me. Give me three loving things that would shock the crap out of him if you did them today to him. Three loving things. Come on, tell me three loving things. It would shock him because you've been such a. So, three loving things.

[B]

Make a dinner that he likes.

[A]

1. Beautiful. Number 2.

[B]

Give him a massage without asking him.

[A]

Number 3. You're good, baby. You're good. 3. Something small.

[B]

Write him a letter, telling him, humble, beautiful, beautiful.

[A]

Every day you're going to do three things for him. And this is your treatment plan. And I want you to remember that you got seriously screwed, literally and figuratively, by those people that were supposed to be caretakers. However, you seriously lucked out and brought into your life a wonderful person. And I'd like you to enjoy it. And the way you're going to enjoy it is to do things for him. Because it makes us feel so good when we are thinking positive, beautiful things and doing those things for someone we so greatly appreciate is in our lives. You are going to feel wonderful every three days. No matter if any of these stupid other feelings come in, you're still going to do these three things. Is that correct?

[B]

Yeah. Yes. Yes, Dr. Lohr.

[A]

One month from now, if you do these three things every day, they can be very tiny. They don't have to be huge. A kiss on the cheek. Three things that are loving toward him in one month. If you listen to a tape of you today, you're not going to recognize yourself.

[B]

I'm gonna do it.

[A]

Good.

[B]

May I ask you one more question? Sure, if that's okay. It's related to my mom. I know that I did say that I have all this resentment from my mom, but it's almost like I. I can't help but love her because she can be kind and sweet with me. She's a part of my life, Mela. Yeah.

[A]

She's a dangerous, destructive person who is staying with the man who devastated your life that she cries and does. This little shtick for you is manipulation. Don't kid yourself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What you need in a mother and a father dash stepdad you have in your husband. Don't go backwards. Don't go backwards for sick affection. Don't do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The key to the truth of what a piece of crap she is is she kept him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So anything else she says or does is bull. And don't fall for it, please. The love you need you're getting from your husband. Focus.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

Gotta let the dreams go, babe. Let the dreams go. And you're very welcome. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram, I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram so I was just parking my car and then I saw you. The gecko. Huge fan. I'm always honored to meet fans out in the wild. The honor is mine. I just love being able to file a claim in under two minutes with the Geico, apparently. Well, the Geico app is top notch. I know you get asked this all the time, but could you sign it? Sign what? The app. Yeah, sure. Oh, that means so much. Oh, it rubbed off the screen when I touched it. Could you sign it again? Anything to help, I suppose. You're the best. Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico.