4 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "4 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make"

The Dr. Laura Podcast | Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger | Date: November 27, 2025

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode centers on the most common mistakes grandparents (especially grandmothers) make when it comes to their involvement in the lives of their grandchildren. Dr. Laura uses a research-backed, practical approach—peppered with her signature candid style—to help grandparents navigate boundaries, avoid tension with their adult children, and become a positive influence in their grandchildren’s upbringing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Positive Role of Grandparents

• Research indicates that children benefit from involved grandparents, often experiencing fewer behavioral problems and enjoying more support and love.
• Grandparents themselves also benefit, with studies showing they may live longer when actively engaged with grandkids.
• Dr. Laura notes:

  “Whether anybody wants them to or not, they live longer. And the kids who have a good relationship with the grandparents often have fewer behavioral problems.” (01:35)

2. Common Mistakes Grandparents Make

a. Undermining Parental Authority

• Never contradict or override parents' decisions in front of grandchildren.
• The urge often comes from experience (“you raised kids, you probably know everything”), but it’s critical to refrain from interfering—especially publicly.
• Dr. Laura directs this particularly to grandmothers, saying:

  “You can’t undermine the authority or contradict the parenting decisions, especially in front of the grandkids. What are you thinking? Don’t do that.” (03:08)

b. Imposing Snicky Snacks and Toys

• Common flashpoints include too many sweets, excess gifts, or toys—often used by grandmothers to show affection, even when parents disapprove.
• Solution: Ask permission first. Respect parental choices.
• Memorable advice:

  “Your intention might be affection, but you’re undermining the parents, their household routines, their wishes. Don’t do it. Ask permission for whatever toy or treat you know the parents are negative about. Ask permission. If they say no, it’s done.” (06:18)

c. “Don’t Tell Your Mom/Dad” (Secrecy with Kids)

• Urges grandparents never to make secret pacts with grandchildren (“Don’t tell Mom/Dad”) about things parents don’t approve.
• Reason: It teaches children it’s okay to keep secrets from parents, which erodes trust.
• Dr. Laura’s strong warning:

  “Don’t ever, ever tell the kids ‘Just keep it a secret between you and me’—teaches children it’s okay to keep secrets from their parents. That’s bad. Don’t do it.” (07:00)

d. Criticism and Over-Involvement

• Refrain from criticizing your adult child’s parenting style or poking fun at your grandchild.
• Stick to encouragement, not critique—especially in matters of snacks, screen time, or clothing.
• If the child’s health or safety isn't at risk, grandparents should “hush up” and allow parents to make their own choices and mistakes:

  “Let them make their mistakes. Unless it’s the health and well-being and safety of a kid, shush, shush up.” (05:40)
  “Do you want to be right, or do you want to see your grandkids? Pick one.” (08:35)

3. Practical Communication Tips

• If you have wisdom or suggestions, offer them respectfully and privately, never in front of grandchildren.
• Ask:

  “I have some ideas. Would you like to hear my ideas? No? Okay.” (06:00)

4. Essential Takeaway

• Presence trumps presents: The best gift is time and engagement with grandchildren, not snacks or toys.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Grandfathers are usually pretty laid back creatures. Hey, let’s go watch the game. ... They’re not usually arguing about discipline and snacks and anything else." (02:47)

• “Let your kids learn it over time too. Let them make their mistakes.” (05:45)

• "Spending time with your grandkids is a better gift than candy.” (06:45)

• “Always aim for encouragement over criticism. Remember, unless a kid’s safety or health is at risk, it’s the parent’s prerogative to make their own mistakes. Hush up." (08:06)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:21–03:04: Benefits of involved grandparents; intro to common mistakes
• 03:08–05:40: Mistake #1: Undermining parental authority
• 05:40–06:18: Mistake #2: Imposing (sweets, toys) and how to handle disagreement
• 06:18–07:00: Mistake #3: “Don’t tell Mom/Dad” and the dangers of secret-keeping
• 07:00–08:06: Mistake #4: Criticizing parenting; encouragement vs. critique
• 08:06–08:48: Recap and tough-love advice for grandparents

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Final Thoughts

Dr. Laura wraps the discussion with her classic directness: Grandparents, support and love your grandkids—but don’t undermine, criticize, or secretly spoil them against their parents’ wishes. Unless health and safety are at risk, respect parental choices and enjoy your role.

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For questions or to join the conversation, call 1-800-375-2872 or visit DrLaura.com.

Transcript

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So I wanted to talk a little bit about common mistakes grandparents make. And all the research indicates that at least half of parents have butted heads with grandparents over parenting choices, usually involving discipline, snicky snacks, screen time, and so forth. Now, I've told you before that grandparents who are actively involved in their grandchildren's lives tend to live longer. Whether anybody wants them to or not, they live longer. And the kids who have a good relationship with the grandparents often have fewer behavioral problems. There's just more people invested, involved, and loved. And I don't want to use the word disciplining, but guiding, influencing. So there are typical mistakes that grandparents make. And I have to say, even though I have XX chromosomes, that typically it's the grandmother. Yeah, it's us. Grandfathers are usually pretty laid back creatures. Hey, let's go watch the game. Hey, let's go. Play ball. They're not usually arguing about discipline and snacks and anything else. Okay, so I'm really talking to you women generally, because you raised kids, you feel like you know everything and you probably do.

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[Dr. Lora]

You can't undermine the authority or contradict the parenting decisions, especially in front of the grandkids. What are you thinking? Don't do that.

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[Dr. Lora]

If you think you know something better, who cares? How did you learn it over time? Let your kids learn it over time too. Let them make their mistakes. Unless it's the health and well being and safety of a kid. Shush, shush up. Take a breath. Walk out of the room. You can always ask at a different time. I have some ideas. Would you like to hear my ideas? No?

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[Dr. Lora]

Then. The problem was sweets and toys because grandparents like to grandmothers in particular are tempted to show love with presents. Sweets and toys, especially when parents disapprove. Your intention might be affection, but you're undermining the parents, their household routines, their wishes. Don't do it. Ask permission for whatever toy or treat you know the parents are negative about. Ask permission. If they say no, it's done. It's no. Don't argue. These aren't your kids. Aside from which spending time with your grandkids is a better gift than candy. And then the terrible one don't tell your mom. Don't tell your dad when you let them stay up late or have candy or spend more time with screens than the parents allowed. Don't ever, ever tell the kids. Just keep it a secret. Between you and me teaches children it's okay to keep secrets from their parents. That's bad. Don't do it. Now. It can be very tough watching your child parent differently than you did. Yeah, it's a new generation. Even harder not to comment on things like snacks, screen time or clothing choices. Whatever. Criticizing your adult child's parenting? Poking fun at your grandchild? Yeah, don't do that. Always aim for encouragement over criticism. Remember, unless a kid's safety or health is at risk, it's the parent's prerogative to make their own mistakes. Hush up. Do you want to be right or do you want to see your grandkids? Pick one. My number 1-800-375-2872.

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