Am I Doing Enough for Dear Old Dad?

Summary

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Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Am I Doing Enough for Dear Old Dad?
Date: September 2, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Joe

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around a heartfelt call from Joe, one of six adult siblings caring for their aging father whose health has declined significantly in the past year. Joe expresses concern and guilt about not being as present to help as some of his siblings are, given his demanding family life and travel schedule. Dr. Laura offers her trademark no-nonsense, compassionate advice about navigating sibling dynamics, parental expectations, and personal guilt during elder care. The episode highlights themes of responsibility, boundaries, family traditions, and the ways caregiving expectations are shaped by both guilt and love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Dilemma: Balancing Responsibilities

• Joe explains his family dynamic:
  • One of six adult siblings, all with their own families and commitments
  • Father’s health has sharply declined, needing increased care
  • Two sisters (who don’t work) provide most of the hands-on help
  • Joe travels frequently for work and can rarely be present
  • Other siblings express “guilt” and criticize Joe for not doing enough
  • Joe is troubled by their criticism but wants to fulfill his obligations
    • [01:03 – 02:15]
    • Quote:
      “I travel half the month… I don’t spend much time up there helping out. And a couple of sisters are getting on me about lack of participation… I deeply love to be there when I can.” — Joe [01:11]

2. Dr. Laura’s Blunt Wisdom on Sibling Conflict

• Dr. Laura addresses the realities behind sibling accusations:

  • Sibling criticism often stems from their own guilt or emotional processing, not from objective truth
  • Each sibling has different perspectives and expectations
  • Ultimately, each person must decide what is appropriate based on their own life and values
    • [02:20 – 04:41]
    • Quote:
      “Siblings with an elderly or dying parent all have different motivations for what they say and do… Their opinions are thin, almost wet toilet paper. Unless we’re talking about life or death.” — Dr. Laura [02:25]

• Emphasizes autonomy:

  • “You make a decision based on your life. They don’t know your life… Anything you agree to do, you better be willing to tell your children they better do it to you.” — Dr. Laura [02:35]

• Shares her own view as a parent:

  • She would never obligate her children to put their lives on hold for her
  • “I gave them lives so they would have lives, not so I could control their lives.” — Dr. Laura [02:50]

• Reassures Joe:

  • The pressure is more about sibling expectations than about what his father wants or needs.

3. Generational Wisdom: The Bird and the Flood Story

• After the break, Dr. Laura shares a parable she once heard in synagogue:

  • During a devastating flood, a daddy bird saves his chicks one by one.
  • Each rescued baby bird promises lifelong devotion to the father—at which point the father drops them.
  • The third bird promises, instead, to care for its own young as the father did, and is successfully brought to safety.
    • [07:54 – 09:59]

• The moral: Parental care is paid forward, not backward.

  • “It passes down, not backwards.” — Dr. Laura [09:55]

• Quote (Joe’s reaction):

  • “Perfect.” — Joe [09:54]

4. Addressing Guilt vs. Responsibility

• Joe expresses ongoing guilt about not doing more.

  • “There is obviously some guilt that I’m not participating as much as I would like to.” — Joe [09:59]

• Dr. Laura reframes it:

  • It’s not guilt, it’s sadness at not being able to do everything.
  • “I feel sad that I can’t be everywhere doing everything. But gosh darn, he’s being taken care of. I don’t have to worry about that. And I’m doing what he taught me to do: I’m taking care of my family.” — Dr. Laura [10:14]

5. Resolving Family Tension

• Dr. Laura suggests how to handle pushback:
  • Vocalize your limitations to your siblings clearly and without apology:
    • “So you tell them I’m doing the best I can with all my other responsibilities.” — Dr. Laura [07:27]
  • If conflict persists, she wryly adds:
    • “And if there’s any more strife after you’ve said all this to your siblings, give them my phone number.” — Dr. Laura [10:37]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura’s “wet toilet paper” analogy:

  • “Their opinions are thin, almost wet toilet paper.” [03:16]

• Bird parable punchline:

  • “In other words, it passes down, not backwards.” [09:55]
  • Joe’s response: “Perfect.” [09:54]

• On parenting and independence:

  • “I gave them lives so they would have lives, not so I could control their lives.” [02:53]

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Segment Timestamps

• Joe’s Story & The Family Context: [01:03 – 02:15]
• Dr. Laura’s Analysis of Sibling Motivations: [02:17 – 04:41]
• Bird Story & Wisdom on Intergenerational Care: [07:54 – 09:59]
• Discussion on Guilt vs. Sadness: [09:59 – 10:32]
• Advice on Handling Sibling Strife: [10:37 – 10:46]

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Summary and Takeaways

• Sibling criticism often reflects their own feelings, not your actual failings.
• Each adult must balance familial obligations with their own immediate family responsibilities.
• True parental legacy is children caring for the next generation, not sacrificing their own families for their parents.
• Clear communication and self-acceptance can resolve guilt and sibling tension.
• Dr. Laura affirms that Joe is “doing enough” if he is honestly balancing his own life and caring as best he can.

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For listeners caring for aging parents, this episode is a reminder to value your efforts, set boundaries, and trust your judgment—while treating sibling expectations with, as Dr. Laura says, the weight of “wet toilet paper.”

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Transcript

[Caller Joe]

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Go. Welcome to the program.

[Caller Joe]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thanks for having me on.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. You're welcome.

[Caller Joe]

My wife said.

[Dr. Laura]

How can I help?

[Caller Joe]

Big fan of yours. Well, my wife's a big fan of yours and I get to listen along with her as we make our road trips and figured you were just the person to talk to about this issue that we're dealing with in my family. Getting right to it. I am one of six kids. We're all grown, have our own kids and grandkids. And our father has just in the past year has taken a big southerly turn with his health and now requires. It's not that he's close to hospice, but over the past six, over the past year, the six of us kids have been looking after him as we can. We've got a couple sisters that don't work. We're all married, two that don't work, spend a lot of time with them. I travel half the month. I've got a wife, four kids scattered all over the country, so I don't spend much time up there helping out. And a couple of sisters are getting on me about lack of participation. And, and I've got, you know, I'm there for my dad, deeply love to be there when I can, but.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, Joe, Joe.

[Caller Joe]

Yes, go ahead.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm going to give you my blunt opinion based on 50 years of dealing with people doing this. Okay. Siblings with a dying, an elderly or dying parent all have different motivations for what they say and do. Sometimes out of their own feelings of guilt, they criticize one or the other of the siblings. Doesn't mean it's accurate it's how they're dealing with their emotions so that all your siblings have different desires for what you ought to be doing. Ultimately, you make a decision based on your life. They don't know your life. You know your life and you know what's appropriate. Apportioning of time part 2. Anything you agree to do, you better be willing to tell your children. They better do it to you. Me, I would never put my kids on a schedule. I was 104. I would never put them on a schedule. They have their lives. I gave them lives so they would have lives is the phrase I like people to use. I don't give them lives so I can control their lives. This isn't coming from your dad. This is coming from your siblings, each of whom has a different life and different expectations for themselves and everybody else. In other words, their opinions are thin, almost wet toilet paper. Okay, Unless we're talking about life or death. Did you know that skin care can start in the laundry room? The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor, All Free Clear Laundry Detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All Free Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists and allergists. For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear.

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[Caller Joe]

Okay, it sounds like you and I are on the same page then.

[Dr. Laura]

So you tell them I'm doing the best I can with all my other responsibilities.

[Caller Joe]

Exactly. And that's it. I've actually told we have four kids. They're all grown, like I said, have kids of their own. And I've said, look, you are all none of you are to take care of me if I get to this state of life. So take care of your families. We'll figure out something. Take care of me, but you are not to feel obligated to look after me is what I have told them.

[Dr. Laura]

So hopefully, may I tell you, when I in the olden days, when I used to go to synagogue, I love the rabbis. They were funny. Funny and informative. And there's a story about birds and drowning that is appropriate here and I believe you would really appreciate it based on what you just said. So there's a huge flood. Really bad. It's so bad. It's like a tsunami came and stayed. The water level is so high, so even the birds in the trees are having troubles. So the daddy bird. This must have been done by Disney because I don't know what happened to the mommy bird and he always wiped out the mommies. But anyway, daddy bird takes one of the birds and says, I'm going to fly you to safety. So flying. And the baby bird says, oh dad, you're so great. Thank you for saving me. I promise I will have you living in my nest. And I will be doing everything for you all. He never got to finish his sentence because the father bird dropped him and let him drown. So I'm sitting in synagogue thinking, this better get better. This sounds very sick. Okay, so picks up the next. There are three. Picks up the next baby bird. Oh, Daddy, thank you so much for saving me. I just. I'm so appreciative. I will spend my life taking care of you for whatever you need. It didn't get to the end of it. He dropped the baby bird and it drowned. Peg's the last baby bird. And I'm sitting there thinking, this is his last chance to make this make sense. And they're flying. And the baby bird says, thank you so much, Dad. I promise I will take care of my babies as well as you took care of us.

[Caller Joe]

Perfect.

[Dr. Laura]

In other words, it passes down, not backwards.

[Caller Joe]

Yeah, good, good. That's a good one. And I appreciate it. So. Yeah, I knew you would. I knew you would have the right thing to say. Yeah. I mean, there is obviously some guilt that I'm not participating, as much as I would like to.

[Dr. Laura]

But again, no, it isn't guilt. It's. I feel sad that I can't be everywhere doing everything. But gosh darn, he's being taken care of. I don't have to worry about that. And I'm doing what he taught me to do. I'm taking care of my family.

[Caller Joe]

Oh, good. Exactly. All right, Dr. Laura, I appreciate it.

[Dr. Laura]

And if there's any more strife after you've said all this to your siblings, give them my phone number.

[Caller Joe]

Will do.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Caller Joe]

I appreciate it. All right, Dr. Laura, thank you very much.

[Dr. Laura]

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