Bad Childhoods Make Mothering a Challenge

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode Title: Bad Childhoods Make Mothering a Challenge
Release Date: June 30, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages with a caller grappling with the lingering effects of a traumatic childhood on her abilities as a mother. The conversation delves deep into the complexities of overcoming past abuse, navigating marital expectations, and fostering healthy relationships with her children.

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Caller’s Background and Current Struggles

Caller’s History:
The caller shares a harrowing account of her upbringing, highlighting severe sexual abuse from her bipolar mother during her adolescence. This traumatic experience has left lasting scars, particularly influencing her approach to physical affection with her own children.

Current Challenge:
Her husband has expressed concerns over her limited use of physical affection with their children, prompting him to suggest she resume therapy—a recommendation that reopens old wounds and forces her to confront unresolved emotions surrounding her past abuse.

Key Points:

• Abuse Details: The caller was sexually abused by her mother at age 16, leading to a complex relationship with physical touch.
• Therapeutic History: She previously sought counseling at age 29 to address these issues before marriage.
• Parenting Practices: While she hugs her children bi-weekly, she resists increasing this frequency, contrasting with her husband's familial norms.

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Dr. Laura’s Guidance and Therapeutic Techniques

Initial Response:
Dr. Laura commends the caller for her openness and effectively summarizes the situation, providing immediate emotional support.

Advice on Marital Dynamics:

• Setting Boundaries: Dr. Laura advises the caller to assertively communicate to her husband that she cannot emulate his family's affectionate behaviors, using humor to ease the tension:

  "You need to tell your husband, if you wanted me to be like your family, you should have married your sister or your cousin."
  [03:08]

Emotional Processing Exercise:

• Visualization Technique: Dr. Laura guides the caller through a visualization exercise to explore her feelings about hugging her children, probing whether she feels like a victim or a perpetrator during these interactions.

  "I want you to imagine going up to one of your kids not feeling comfortable about hugging, but doing it anyway."
  [03:55]

Reframing Trauma:

• Distinguishing from the Past: Dr. Laura helps the caller separate her current behavior from her mother's actions, emphasizing that her children's perception of affection is purely maternal and not a repeat of past abuses.

  "Please accept what I'm saying. You're not your mother. You can never be."
  [07:54]

Practical Solutions:

• Simplifying Affection: Dr. Laura suggests adopting brief, routine hugs to reduce anxiety and build trust, likening them to comforting gestures similar to praising a pet.

  "They don’t have to be long, lingering, just a good hug."
  [09:29]

Empowerment and Reassurance:

• Affirming Self-Worth: She reassures the caller of her inherent goodness and dismisses feelings of being abnormal or "psycho" due to her neurological responses to touch.

  "You're a decent, loving woman. It's normal for you to be afraid of the interaction between you and your daughter because you went through that and some of it felt good."
  [08:06]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dr. Laura on Marital Expectations:

  "You should have married your sister or your cousin. I'm not ever going to be turned into them."
  [03:08]

• Dr. Laura on Trauma Reframing:

  "Please accept what I'm saying. You're not your mother. You can never be."
  [07:54]

• Caller’s Realization:

  "I think I'm more afraid of becoming the perpetrator."
  [06:56]

• Dr. Laura on Neurological Responses:

  "Some of it was just neurologically it felt good. And then the disgust and the self-hatred comes in."
  [07:14]

• Dr. Laura on Practical Hugging:

  "They don’t have to be long, lingering, just a good hug. Like you walk up to a pet and you take your hand and go on their heads, and you go, good dog. And you walk away."
  [09:29]

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Discussion on Therapy and Personal Responsibility

Caller’s Reluctance:
The caller expresses hesitation about returning to therapy, feeling that she should be managing her emotions independently, especially after previous counseling.

Dr. Laura’s Perspective:
Dr. Laura acknowledges the caller's progress but emphasizes the importance of ongoing professional support to navigate complex emotions and marital pressures. She subtly encourages continued therapy by discussing internal conflicts and suggesting that professional help can further alleviate her concerns.

Key Insights:

• Continuous Growth: Healing from childhood trauma is an ongoing process that may benefit from sustained therapeutic intervention.
• Marital Communication: Effective communication with her husband about her boundaries and emotional needs is crucial for marital harmony.

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides compassionate and practical advice to a mother struggling to reconcile her traumatic past with her role as a parent. By addressing deep-seated fears of becoming a perpetrator and offering tangible strategies to foster affectionate relationships with her children, Dr. Laura empowers the caller to navigate her challenges with renewed confidence and self-awareness. The conversation underscores the enduring impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships and the vital role of therapy in healing and personal growth.

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Connect with Dr. Laura:

• Facebook: facebook.com/DrLora
• Instagram: instagram.com/DrLoraProgram
• Website: DrLaura.com

For more insights and support, listeners are encouraged to visit Dr. Laura’s social media platforms and join her community of Family members.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX. Susan, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Yes, hello. Thank you, Dr. Lahore, for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome.

[Caller]

My question is, should I go to therapy again at the request of my husband?

[Dr. Laura]

What happened to the first time? What happened to the first time?

[Caller]

Well, I thought I was doing okay. What happened is there's something I did not disclose to my husband. He actually, I came from a mother who was very. She had bipolar. She was bipolar and she had bipolar disorder. I'm sorry, I'm nervous. And so she had a lot of really horrible behaviors toward me. And part of her behaviors were sexual. Like when I was a, about the age of 16, I was bending over at the sink washing my hair and my mother stood behind me and started like rolling her pelvis and into my bottom in a sexual manner. She would do stuff like that. And she was hypersexual at times. So I did go to counseling at the age of 29, before we got married, to deal with some of the experience I had with her. And like my husband said, he was asking me, you know, why don't you hug the children more? And so I thought about it and I told him I never shared him with incidents like that. I guess I was just ashamed of it. I just never brought it up to anyone outside of the counselor. Actually, I'm embarrassed that I went through that. But my mother died in 2018, so I kind of just wanted to let it go with her. But I told my husband, I don't initiate a lot of hugs. I said, that's just not me because I had so much inappropriate touch. But I will give hugs. Like, but I can't see, I'm just, I just over. I'm not, I'm not a real person, but if someone gives me a hug, I will receive it. Now I hug my children at least twice a week without even thinking about it. But will I do it like every day? No. Like the way he used to, like with his family members? No, I don't think that will ever be me. But I think I'm loving enough. And frankly, you know, from compared to the counseling I did get. But he wants me to be even more open to touch with my children. And I'm kind of content with what I do. And I even asked my daughter, you know, how to, you know, rate me as a parent. How do you think you get your needs met? And she said yes. But my daughter is very huggy, feeling. She'll just take the hug. She doesn't worry about whether I want her or not. And I'm okay with it. So, you know, so I don't know. Do you think that this, what I'm seeing is a problem?

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, sweetheart, slow down. You did a great job of presenting the whole picture. You did a great job. That's first. Second, you need to tell your husband, if you wanted me to be like your family, you should have married your sister or your cousin. He has to get off your back. Okay? That's the first thing. You should have married your sister or your cousin. I'm not ever going to be turned into them. You have to put him in his place in a sweet way. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Now let's get down to the important part. Are you driving?

[Caller]

No. No, I'm not.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Okay, sit down. Are you sitting?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. I want you to close your eyes. Tell me when you get a little bit relaxed because I know you're nervous. Okay, Good. Now I want you to imagine going up to one of your kids not feeling comfortable about hugging, but doing it anyway. Tell me when you're hugging.

[Caller]

Okay, we're hugging.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Now you don't really want to right now, but you're doing it anyway. Okay. Okay. I want you to tell me, do you feel more like a victim or a perpetrator?

[Caller]

Oh, my gosh.

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[Caller]

Been on hold to make a doctor's appointment for 23 minutes now. The automated voice has told me 47 times that my call is very important to them.

[Dr. Laura]

Hmm.

[Caller]

I'm starting to think that they don't think my call is important at all.

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[Caller]

I think I'm more afraid of becoming the perpetrator.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. Yes.

[Caller]

And it's worse with my daughter and with my son. Definitely right.

[Dr. Laura]

Because what you're doing is wondering every day if you are your mother.

[Caller]

You're absolutely right.

[Dr. Laura]

Listen to me carefully because this is going to sound a little gross, all right? So don't freak out on me. Just hang in there. Sometimes when your mother touched you, it felt good. For that, you spend the rest of your time in disgust and guilt. Therefore, when you go to hug your kid, you're wondering about that interaction and whether she's taking it just as a mommy or essentially.

[Caller]

Oh goodness, yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

I am here to reassure you that she takes it only motherly.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Please accept what I'm saying. You're not your mother. You can never be. You're a decent, loving woman. It's normal for you to be afraid of the interaction between you and your daughter because you went through that and some of it felt good. I mean, if a feather goes across your breast, that could excite you. And it's a freaking feather because there are nerve endings. So you don't need to turn it into I'm a psycho over feathers. That's just how the body works. So some of it was the closeness to your mother. Some of it was just neurologically it felt good. And then the disgust and the self hatred comes in. So I thoroughly understand, and I hope you do now, why you're confused with this because you don't want to Feel like either the perp or the victim. With your daughter.

[Caller]

Yes, I understand. Understand.

[Dr. Laura]

I can guarantee you she's not feeling like a victim. You, on the other hand, are confused. And 100% of that confusion may never go away. But it could get down to 50, 40, maybe even 30%. The more you practice it, the more you practice. And they can make these hugs pretty quick. Come behind her, squeeze I love you, and you walk off. They don't have to be long, lingering, just a good hug. Like you walk up to a pet and you take your hand and go on their heads, and you go, good dog. And you walk away.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

So I'd like you to do that. And you can tell your husband the two things. One, if he wants you to be exactly like his family, he should have married his sister or his cousin. Please don't forget to say that. And number two, tell him you spoke to a psychotherapist and you have a notion as to what's going on and what you can do. But you will never be his sister or his cousin. So bug off.

[Caller]

Okay, that's good. Okay. I appreciate this so very much. I definitely see it differently now. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. And I mean this. Call me back. You explained this situation beautifully, which helped me give you what I believe you need to. Needed to hear.

[Caller]

Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. I will call back.

[Dr. Laura]

You do it. You better. I'll be heartbroken. Okay, sweetie, you're doing fine. You're not nuts. You're okay. All right.

[Caller]

Okay. All right. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome.

[Caller]

Bye. Bye.

[Dr. Laura]

Bye. Okay. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLoraProgram.

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[Caller]

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