Deep Dive: Accept Your Spouse’s Limitations

Summary

Dr. Laura Call of the Day: Deep Dive on Accepting Your Spouse’s Limitations

Release Date: June 26, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "Deep Dive: Accept Your Spouse’s Limitations," Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the complex dynamics of long-term marriages, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and accepting a partner’s inherent limitations. Through insightful discussions and real-life caller experiences, Dr. Laura offers practical advice on fostering healthier relationships by focusing on personal growth and effective communication.

---

Understanding Pre-existing Marital Challenges

Dr. Laura begins by highlighting a common issue among her listeners: women who struggle to live with their husbands' persistent negative behaviors such as bad habits, insensitivities, and lack of ambition. She points out that these issues often existed before marriage and were sometimes flagged by others but were overlooked with the hope of change.

Notable Quote:

“You marry a person as is and from that point forward the best you can do is take it or leave.”
[00:45]

---

Listener Call: Alice’s Struggle with Feeling Like an Outsider

Alice, a listener, shares her seven-year marriage woes, feeling like an outsider despite her efforts to contribute to the relationship. She expresses frustration over her husband's intrusive mother-in-law and the lack of reciprocal effort in their marriage.

Notable Quote:

“I often feel like an outsider looking in, giving my best to the relationship and showing up but not getting the same in return.”
[02:30]

Dr. Laura’s Response: Dr. Laura advises Alice that marriage is a commitment to accept one's partner as they are. She emphasizes that while some behaviors can improve, not everything is fixable, and one must focus on what they can control—themselves.

Notable Quote:

“If you want to improve the quality of your relationship, the most you can change is yourself.”
[03:10]

---

Taking Responsibility: The Power of Self-Change

Dr. Laura underscores the notion that complaining and attempting to change a spouse's ingrained behaviors are ineffective. Instead, she encourages listeners to cultivate traits like compassion, understanding, and support within themselves to enhance the marital relationship.

Notable Quote:

“Bitching and complaining won't make a marriage better.”
[04:00]

---

Listener Call: Cindy’s 36-Year Marriage and ADHD Diagnosis

Cindy shares her nearly four-decade-long marriage, describing it as miserable despite the absence of the "three A's"—addiction, adultery, and abuse. Recently diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's, Cindy seeks advice on reconnecting with her husband and prioritizing their marriage over extended family obligations.

Notable Quote:

“He is in his own world. So we're together, but there's no connection.”
[10:00]

Dr. Laura’s Guidance: Dr. Laura advises Cindy to focus on small acts of connection, such as greeting her husband warmly without expecting an immediate change. She emphasizes that Cindy cannot force her husband to change but can create an environment that fosters mutual understanding.

Notable Quote:

“If you want to connect, put your hands on somebody's shoulder and give them a kiss and say, I missed you.”
[12:00]

---

Building Bridges: Reconnecting Through Shared Interests

Dr. Laura suggests that Cindy leverage existing bridges in their relationship, such as shared family and religious backgrounds, while also encouraging the development of new connections through friends and hobbies. She recommends incorporating soothing elements like music into the household to enhance the emotional atmosphere.

Notable Quote:

“Play music in the house. Have music always in the house. It's very soothing to everybody.”
[15:45]

---

Conclusion: Embracing Acceptance and Personal Growth

Throughout the episode, Dr. Laura reinforces the critical message that accepting a spouse’s limitations is essential for a harmonious marriage. By focusing on what one can control and fostering a supportive environment, couples can navigate the challenges of long-term relationships more effectively.

Final Advice: Dr. Laura wraps up by encouraging listeners to adopt a mindset of appreciation and connection, rather than frustration and blame, to transform their marital relationships positively.

Notable Quote:

“Instead of bitching about your husband, throw him kisses. Watch how the world changes into butterflies and flowers.”
[16:12]

---

Key Takeaways

• Acceptance Over Change: Recognize and accept your spouse's inherent traits rather than trying to change them.
• Self-Improvement: Focus on personal growth and how you can contribute positively to the relationship.
• Effective Communication: Utilize small, meaningful gestures to foster connection and reduce defensiveness.
• Leverage Shared Foundations: Use existing commonalities like family and religion to strengthen the bond.
• Create a Positive Environment: Incorporate soothing elements like music to enhance emotional well-being at home.

---

Additional Resources

Dr. Laura suggests premarital counseling and offers her book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," along with a video course titled "Marriage 101," to help couples navigate and strengthen their relationships.

For more information and resources, visit DrLaura.com.

---

This episode serves as a compassionate guide for individuals seeking to understand and accept their partner's limitations, ultimately fostering a more resilient and fulfilling marriage.

Transcript

[A]

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive dive right in Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast. One of my favorite T shirts in the merch [e-mail] reads you can you picked him, Stop picking on him. I love that. It's something I say to callers a lot, mostly to women who tell me they can just no longer live with their husband's bad habits, insensitivities, lack of ambition and such. And I always ask when did you first notice these negative behaviors? Followed by did your mother, sister, best friend, anyone point out these red flags to you? More likely than not, the behaviors existed before the marriage and before the children. More likely than not, someone pointed out the potential for a problem. But that usually doesn't stop women from plowing forward, assuming they will somehow be able to manage or even change what they don't like about their husbands. Alice is a good example. She wrote to me saying, I often hear you ask people if they saw some of the negative things that currently exist in the relationship prior to marriage. The answer seems to always be yeah, I did see some things before marrying my husband seven years ago that I believed would change. Why would you believe that? While there have been some improvements, sadly, I also realize a lot is just going to remain the same. We now have three adult daughters in our combined family and one grandchild. I often feel like an outsider looking in, giving my best to the relationship and showing up but not getting the same in return. I'm often ignored or made to feel second. On top of that, I have an intrusive and entrenched mother in law. I don't want to get divorced, but what are some ways I can share my feelings with my husband about prioritizing our marriage instead of putting everyone in his family first? All I can say to Alice and others like her is that day you decide to marry, knowing that a problem exists is the last day you have to make changes. Not everything can be fixed. That's why I do what I do on radio, so I can forewarn others to not imagine things will change simply because you want it to or you hope it will. You marry a person as is and from that point forward the the best you can do is take it or leave. It might sound rough, but it's accurate. The man you marry is not going to be perfect. You're not going to be perfect, but you can Have a very happy marriage if the two of you are good enough to one another in the more demanding moments. Compassionate, understanding, supportive, kind, funny. I don't get why more women don't understand that bitching and complaining won't make a marriage better. If you want to improve the quality of your relationship, the most you can change is yourself. And you really must be willing to do that, especially when kids are involved. You don't get to destroy their lives just because you didn't choose wisely. Come on. I'm going to take a break. And in the break, I want you ladies to think one sweet thing about your husband. Yeah, that one. Stay with that. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast Dr. Laura's much deeper Deep Dive Podcast Complaining, leaving, spinning your wheels, trying to make your spouse change are not your only solutions. Sometimes the change that needs to take place is in your hands, as I explained to Cindy when she called. Cindy, welcome to the program.

[B]

Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[A]

You're welcome.

[B]

Calling from Idaho today. Well, and I am in my 36th year of marriage to one man.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And yes, and it is miserable, but not for the conventional three A's, as like as I like to refer to them, addiction, adultery, tree, you know, the three A's, the biggies. Abuse, abuse. But still. Yes, but still finding myself miserable. And so I love misery.

[A]

Or 30 something years of misery. What are we looking at?

[B]

First year, I noticed that things were not in sync. We did most of our dating over the phone and it was great on paper. And then a leap of faith. And so getting into the marriage, it definitely felt like. Well, I just went conventional with it up until just a year ago when he was diagnosed with adhd, Asperger Neurodiversity, which helped me solve the mystery. Just to cut to the chase of what I've been trying to put together my whole entire time with him. Three children later, now an empty nest. I have time to look at this hard and realize that there is just conflict and difficulty without the three A's. And those are the only reasons I thought you get a divorce is because of those sort of felonies. Forget misdemeanors in the marriage.

[A]

What is the behavior that for over three decades and several kids has been bothering you? What's the behavior?

[B]

You. Thank you. You spoke yesterday when you were speaking about children and their basic need is connection. I would say that the basic human need, no matter how old. Right. No connection. It's almost robotic. And again, I hate to speak badly about him. He's lovely. I mean that's what I'm here still for is that there's lovely qualities there and I care deeply but there's no connection. And so the loneliness within the marriage coupled with conflict because you can't resolve even if now with the diagnosis and I've read all the books. Melissa Orlov, don't know if you're familiar with her. The ADHD effect on marriage.

[A]

I get crazy when people suddenly 35 years later have a diagnosis and now they're going, oh. But the truth is the first day you married him, you knew there was a problem. That would have been time to get.

[B]

To on the honeymoon. I think I knew on the honeymoon. But again, I couldn't put my finger on it because every time I bring anything.

[A]

Stop, stop. Okay, yes, you put your finger on it. There was no connection. You don't have to call it ADH or any other. Okay.

[B]

I never trusted myself until I got that validation. Sure.

[A]

One does not need validation to know that something and someone is uncomfortable to them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So asking the question about divorce, I vote no. And I'll tell you why. Number one.

[B]

Okay, thank you.

[A]

You made an ignorant choice. Ignorant does not mean stupid. Ignorant means you didn't have the information and you didn't care because it was so romantic. So that leap you took obligated you. Especially when you started cranking out babies with the extended family that ultimately comes from that which would be very torn asunder if you decided to leave and go dating with everybody then closing in around dad because they feel bad about him and are pissed off at you for abandoning him, you would not be happy. Second, if you woke up tomorrow and he were gone, give me three things you would miss.

[B]

Companionship. I don't like being alone.

[A]

Number two.

[B]

He has what you were speaking of earlier today. Characteristics that help that I don't have. I could. What's coming to mind is tech. Technology, you know, mathematics. I'm much more arts related and creative. And he's very much that left brain just to be overly, you know, generic. It's hard for me because I'm so exhausted. Dr. Laura from.

[A]

Okay, I need the third reason I.

[B]

Can'T come up with it.

[A]

You're not listening to me. Hey, I'm going to hang up on you in one second if you don't stop babbling at me. Stop it. It's not going to get more information to me and it's not going to justify your decisions, so don't do it. Okay, I need the third thing you.

[B]

Would miss the Third thing is the extended family enjoying bouncing grandchildren one day together and not disrupting that flow.

[A]

Right. That seems like an awful lot for you to lose.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And you're not going to necessarily get that from anybody else between now and dead. It's not like there's a grocery store where you can go shopping for a dude. I'm not ready for you to ask a question.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I'm not ready. Okay. Okay. Next thing I want to say is the following. You have the ability to not have these conflicts.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

After 30 something years, whether or not you got somebody to give a diagnosis, you know what happens when certain things are discussed in certain ways. You already know there's no surprises anymore.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So give me an example now of a type of conflict that you would like to discuss with me to help. Get me to help you how to deal with it. Go ahead, give me a typical conflict.

[B]

Defensive. Thank you. Defensiveness. He has almost a raw burning. Like.

[A]

Give me an example.

[B]

I. I'm hard to. I'm nervous. So he makes.

[A]

Well, then give me an example of something else. What I need from you is an example so I can show you a better way to handle it so you don't have to miss out on this.

[B]

Okay. My reaction to him is what I can change. I think I'm hearing you, and I.

[A]

Didn'T get that for you, ma' am. Ma' Am.

[B]

Okay. Okay. He is in his own world.

[A]

Give me an example.

[B]

He lives in an isolated sort of bubble. So we're together.

[A]

You're not giving me an example. Now give me an example. I walked into. Do you want help or not? I can't keep fighting for time.

[B]

Yes, I do, and I'm grateful.

[A]

Then slow down, please.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Give me something that happened yesterday or the day before.

[B]

Very well.

[A]

That turned it.

[B]

I come into the home where it's just the two of us, and he is in front of his computer screen, his phone screen, the TV screen, or some kind of a project.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

And he is in a narrow vision.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Jeez. You walk into the house. You know damn well how you're going to find him. So don't act like it's a big surprise and something intentionally done to hurt you. And don't try to get him to change it at the moment because we already know after three decades that ain't happening. So you connect. You walk over to him, put your hands on his shoulders, give him a kiss on the cheek and say, hi, honey, you want some coffee? And then you walk into the kitchen or Wherever the hell you want to go. You've made a connection. He can't. You do it. Admonishing him for not giving you what you want when you never found out who he was in the first place. I find it cruel.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Your complaining is cruel. He is limited by his neurology.

[B]

All right?

[A]

This is the best he can do. If you want to connect, do feels good to put your hands on somebody's shoulder and give them a kiss and say, I missed you. Whether he responds or not, he'll feel it. But he can't be the reverse of you. That's an example. There's no reason for him to be defensive because you're no longer going to attack him for being himself. Himself is not by choice. Himself is by neurological issue.

[B]

That's beautiful. Thank you.

[A]

And don't think for a moment that he doesn't love you. That would be the silliest thing for you to imagine.

[B]

So maybe it's a misunderstanding because he's so in his own bubble that it feels like he doesn't.

[A]

No. I don't care how you feel. You're supposed to have enough of an IQ to realize that's it. He's not capable of much else. But he's been loyal. He's been faithful. He has fixed all your technology. He has helped you make and raise children. He has done a hell of a lot, woman. But he is not Galahad. And you didn't wait around to find out.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Now.

[B]

And may I ask that question, or do we need to go?

[A]

Asking me to ask the question you meant before makes me think you really didn't absorb.

[B]

I do. I do absorb.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I know that. I hope so differently. Well, you'll let me know. And I appreciate giving me this quick opportunity. When we were to. We had the bridge from his world to mine. Let's just call it for fun. Children. Now they're grown. And we have the bridge of the same religion, which he sense has. Let's call it outgrown or moved away from, which I don't judge. But those are two enormous bridges that were. That are no longer there. And I think I was really relying on you.

[A]

Missed something in what I said. But let's go back over it. Number one. You have company. You're not alone. No matter how it feels.

[B]

I'm out at a park.

[A]

Please stop talking. You said earlier that you would miss company. All that he can do that you can't do because he's techie. And number three, the grandkids.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Those are the bridges.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

After that you have friends and hobbies. Play music in the house. Have music always in the house. It's very soothing to everybody, including so called neurodivergent.

[B]

Okay. That's wonderful. Thank you. I love this so much I can't express it enough.

[A]

I have to take a break. So I want you to think about something. Even right now you're thinking of bitching about to your husband. Instead, throw him kisses. Watch how the world changes into butterflies and flowers. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive podcast deeper Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast Deep you can help protect yourself and your kids from future heartache by getting to know a person for a good year and a half. You know me, I think it's two years before you get married. You need to actually observe and think about the things that matter, not just whether you're getting attention and feeling butterflies. I suggest premarital counseling for at least six months with a specialist in that area so you can discuss what all the pragmatic things that come with marriage need. Help spotting a problematic marriage or fixing the one you're already in? Don't hesitate to call me 1-800-Drama Laura or make an appointment to speak with me by going to drlaura.com I have a very helpful book for you called the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage and a fantastic video course called Marriage 101 that's based on my best selling book, the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. You'll find information about all of this and [e-mail] now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.