
When you show affection, you’re showing love. It's another way to say I love you. But, far too often couples let it slip away. They stop sitting close to each other on the couch. They stop holding hands as they walk down the street. It’s sad really.Searching for advice? Call 1-800-DR-LAURA / 1-800-375-2872 or make an appointment at DrLaura.com
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Dr. Laura
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Ed
Early ctmobile.com Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast.
Caller
And follow my deep dive today.
Ed
Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive Dr.
Dr. Laura
Laura's deep dive Podcast.
Caller
Ed sent this email to me. He wrote, I'm 69, divorced after 30 years of marriage. The divorce came from many things. We became inattentive to each other. Now I'm on my own and thinking.
Ed
That if I would just have treated.
Caller
Her kindly, I might be living in.
Ed
A different life today.
Caller
I miss the happiness we had, and I dream about the happiness that I.
Ed
Still believe we could have.
Caller
With those thoughts in mind, I wrote the following A kiss, a touch, a smile, a snuggle, a hug? Holding hands in public. How many times did I shy away? How many times did I withhold? How many times did I appear uninterested? How many times did I appear uncaring? And now, how much do I want a kiss, a touch? A smile? A snuggle? A hug? Please continue sharing your message. That growing part is nothing more than a poor excuse, and that treating each other kindly requires very little effort, particularly when compared to the loss that comes as a result. Signed Ed. When you show affection, you're showing love. It's another way to say I love you. But far too often, couples just let it slip away. They stop sitting close to each other on the couch. They stop holding hands as they walk down the street.
Ed
It's sad, really.
Caller
I had a husband call one time. He was about to dump his wife, in spite of the fact that he had a couple of kids still at home. He just, I don't know, didn't love her anymore. I gave him one of my ridiculous assignments that I'm famous for. I said, tonight at dinner, get up out of your chair, go to the refrigerator to get something. It doesn't matter what. And as you pass by, your wife, brush your finger across her back. The guy called back and couldn't believe how much that small touch reignited the loving feelings within him and gave his marriage the spark he needed. The power of touch is amazing. Physical affection releases oxytocin, the hormone that causes a calming sensation. It's an actual hormone that's associated with bonding, which is why I'm constantly preaching, teaching, and nagging my callers to never forgo affection. Even if, like my caller Anna, you're no longer able to have a sexual relationship. As I explained to her, there's never a reason to give up on an affectionate one.
Ed
Anna, welcome to the program.
Anna
Hi, Dr. Laura.
Caller
Hi.
Ed
What can I do for you?
Anna
Well, I've been married for 35 years, and my husband is no longer interested in sex.
Ed
And is there a reason you're aware of?
Anna
I know that he suffers from ED and he has tried Viagra before, and he said that it gives him headaches.
Ed
Yeah.
Anna
And, you know, the last time we had a conversation about, you know, the lack of intimacy, he just said he wasn't interested anymore.
Ed
Mm.
Anna
And then a couple of months ago, he came home with a prescription for Viagra, and, you know, it's like, can't get excited because he's done that before and nothing's ever come of it. And I'm just frustrated and sad and angry that, you know, I've been waiting for him to retire, because that was one of his excuses is, oh, when I retire, I'll make it up to you. Well, you know, he's been retired for eight years now, and nothing has changed.
Ed
Mm. So what is it you want to do now?
Anna
Well, I don't know what to say or do anymore. I've, you know, talked until I'm blue in the face.
Ed
Are you willing to live with him with affection and kindness and companionship without the sex?
Anna
You know, I probably could if there was some type of physical affection. You know, come sit on the couch beside me. You know, we don't even sleep in the same bed.
Ed
And how did that come about, his snoring? Oh, well, that's a different. Well, while you're unconscious, you don't have to be in the same bed. Right. I'd suggest you. You need to be more assertive. You go sit on the couch, hand him his beer or whatever, and watch a movie together and snuggle with him and say, we don't have to have sex. I just want to miss the snuggling because just like women, men, if they're having a hard time being sexual, want to avoid everything related to it because they feel pressured. Like if they do that, then they'll have to do everything and they can't do everything. So you're going to have to be more assertive yourself with the affection and just say, you know, until we go to sleep, let's snuggle together a bit. I just miss that. Just the snuggling. So introduce just affection and touching. But you'll have to introduce that because he's afraid of it right now.
Anna
Okay. Makes sense. Yeah, I will do that.
Caller
Good. Excellent.
Ed
I think it'll make the quality of life much better. Touching is so important.
Caller
I have to take a break now. They make me do this at regular intervals. But I'd like you to reflect on a time where you were feeling really crappy and somebody gave you a hug. How did that feel? Take that with you for the rest of your life. I'll be right back.
Dr. Laura
Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast let's be real.
Ed
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Caller
No thank you.
Ed
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Caller
So here's the deal.
Ed
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Cheryl
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Ed
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Dr. Laura
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Cheryl
Sweetheart, what about this one?
Teenager 1
Um, nah, fam, that's a little sus.
Teenager 2
Shopping with teenagers can be hard between figuring out what they like and what they mean. But with Walmart, at least shopping for their next pair of glasses is easy. With the Walmart app, you can virtually try on frames at home, upload prescriptions and get new glasses delivered right to your door. It's an easier way to get stylish glasses they'll actually like.
Teenager 1
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Teenager 2
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Dr. Laura
Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast Deep Dive.
Caller
Physical touch is important even if you're not married or in a romantic relationship. Human beings need physical contact. Absolute requirement. Physical affection improves your immune response, lowers your blood pressure. You know how when somebody holds your hand, it just calms you down. Touch somebody's hand when they're sad, touch their arm, hold their hand. It'll have more of an impact than anything you say. At age 59, my caller, Cheryl, was craving the comfort of a hug from her only living sibling. Her sister Carmen, on the other hand, thought Cheryl's need for a hug was a little unnecessary and a bit ridiculous. Instead of continuing to quarrel over the importance of affection, the sisters called me. Cheryl.
Ed
Welcome to the program.
Carmen
Hello, Dr. Laura.
Caller
Hi.
Carmen
I am here with my sister Carmen and I. I'm 59 and she's 58. I'm calling because we've been sisters all our lives, since we were born.
Ed
And that's very funny comment.
Carmen
It is.
Ed
You've been sisters your whole life?
Carmen
No.
Ed
What were you going to turn into? Brothers?
Carmen
No, I Was just saying. And both of us are here. So the problem is that we have never shown any affection in our family at all. It's me, Carmen, and we have another sister who passed away last year. I never touched my sister. I never touched Carmen. I mean, we don't hug. We don't say I love you. We're not affectionate at all. And I don't like that. Which I told her and when I told her because I felt we should do something differently, especially since it's just the two of us now, she went to Facebook and told basically the world. And so everybody wrote saying we need therapy and laughing at us and all that. But I was really very serious. And so I want you to help us be more affectionate or something. Help us be sisters.
Ed
I'm sorry, are you both in the same room?
Carmen
Yes, she's right here. I'm here.
Ed
Okay, well, put down the phone and hug each other.
Carmen
Oh, no, we're in the car. We're in the car. We can't do that. We tried to do it before and it was really hard.
Ed
Well, get out of the car.
Caller
Get out of the car.
Carmen
In public?
Caller
Yes, in public.
Ed
It's not illegal. You won't be arrested for two middle aged women hugging each other.
Cheryl
I promise.
Caller
Get out of the car.
Carmen
Oh, okay, okay. It's raining. I can find a way to hug her in the car.
Ed
Just get out of the car. This is not too complicated.
Carmen
She said get out the car. I'm getting out the car.
Caller
Both of you get out of the car.
Carmen
Both of us are getting out the car. Right.
Caller
Good.
Carmen
We're in the rain. We're out.
Ed
Good.
Caller
Hug each other.
Carmen
She won't get out.
Caller
She won't get out.
Carmen
Okay, she's getting out now.
Ed
She's getting out now.
Carmen
I have to say, Dr. Laura, we did hug once. And Cheryl, I'm a one. Cheryl said I was big and bulky.
Ed
Okay, you probably are. So what more to hug?
Caller
Well, you're both big and bulky.
Ed
You both have more to hug. Don't, don't, don't get distracted by that and don't let your dis. Okay, everybody listen to me right now.
Carmen
Yes, ma'am.
Ed
I don't want any snarky comments that come from discomfort of hugging. The only thing I want to hear from the both of you is I love you. Wish we could have hugged every day of our lives. That's what I want to hear you both say. So hug.
Carmen
We hugged.
Ed
No, I mean the hug has to last 15 seconds.
Carmen
Oh. Oh.
Caller
So tell me when you start.
Ed
I'll count the 15.
Carmen
Okay.
Ed
Now. Okay.
Carmen
Cries.
Caller
Good. That's excellent.
Ed
Hug your crying sister.
Caller
It's beautiful. Beautiful.
Ed
I'm just.
Carmen
This is so weird. Okay. What number are you on?
Ed
Are you two going to keep yapping? Sh. I'm going to go extra time because you were yapping. Okay, stop the hug.
Carmen
Thank you.
Ed
No, we're not done. Cheryl, tell Carmen what that meant to you.
Carmen
Carmen, that was very comforting to me.
Ed
Nice. Carmen, tell Cheryl what that meant to you.
Carmen
I think that was Cheryl talking. She said, carmen, tell Cheryl. That was. It was. It was different. It was different.
Ed
What did that mean to you? Telling me something is different has nothing to do with its personal emotional meaning to you.
Carmen
It meant. This is so hard.
Ed
Well, what did it feel like to you? Your sister said it was comforting to her. What was it to you?
Carmen
I guess I feel closer. I mean, I feel like. I mean, it felt like we sisters. It's very hard to say. We live together.
Ed
I'm not asking you to go on and on. I'm only asking you to say. And I know this is hard for you.
Carmen
It was difficult. It was difficult. Not because I don't love her, but just because we don't do it. But it wasn't uncomfortable. So I could do it again.
Ed
Well, let's do it again. Okay. Yes. Three, two, one.
Caller
Hug.
Ed
And stay there till I tell you.
Caller
And don't talk. No talking.
Carmen
Okay.
Ed
Okay.
Caller
Good. Okay.
Ed
Carmen, that was beautiful.
Carmen
She pulled me in closer. So. She didn't. It wasn't like she. It hurt a little bit. She pulled me very close to her, though, so I felt that it wasn't just made up. I felt that it was sincere. I guess that's the word. It felt sincere.
Caller
Nice.
Ed
Now I'd like to hear you both simultaneously repeat after me.
Caller
You ready?
Ed
You're both going to repeat after me at the same time, looking at each other.
Caller
Are you ready?
Carmen
Ready. No, her eyes are closed. I'm ready. Okay.
Ed
I wish. I wish we could have done this.
Carmen
We could have done this our whole lives. Our whole lives.
Ed
And we're going to do it.
Carmen
And we're going to do it. She's not.
Ed
I only heard. And I only heard one of you. Let's do that again.
Carmen
And we're going to do it.
Ed
I only hear one of you.
Carmen
And we're going to do it for.
Ed
The rest of our lives.
Carmen
For the rest of our lives. Thank you, Dr. Lord.
Ed
You're welcome, ladies.
Caller
Never let go of each other.
Carmen
Yes, ma'am.
Ed
Between now and dead. It really is a beautiful thing to have your sister hug you.
Carmen
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Ed
You're welcome.
Caller
Break time whether you want it or not. Here we go. Take your right hand at the end of your arm and wrap it around your left shoulder. Take your left hand attached to your left arm and put it around your shoulder. Snuggle in and say hi. Kisses, hugs, kisses, hugs. And keep doing that till I get back.
Dr. Laura
Dr. Laura's deep dive deep Dive Podcast.
Cheryl
When I had a kidlet living at home, the technology did not exist to tell me where he was at any given time. But it does today, thanks to Life360. Coordinating your family's activities and keeping them safe has never been easier. Life360 is a location sharing app that works on your mobile phone, letting you see the real time locations of your family members. Got a kid in college? Life360's roadside and emergency response programs can give you peace of mind. Teen driver in the family life360 lets you easily monitor their driving speed. Plus you can attach a Life360 tile tracker to bikes, keys, soccer bags, and more. When I get mine, I just may attach it to Lily's collar. Whether you're in the carpooling phase, raising young adults, or keeping an eye on elderly parents, you can stay connected to the ones you love. With Life360, visit life360.com or download the app today and use the code DRLAURA to get 15% off. That's life360.com code DRLAURA Sweetheart, what about this one?
Teenager 1
Um, nah, fam, that's a little sus.
Teenager 2
Shopping with teenagers can be hard between figuring out what they like and what they mean. But with Walmart, at least shopping for their next pair of glasses is easy. With the Walmart app, you can virtually try on frames at home, upload prescriptions, and get new glasses delivered right to your door. It's an easier way to get stylish glasses they'll actually like.
Teenager 1
Now these new glasses. Total vibes.
Teenager 2
Buying new glasses has a new look. Welcome to your Walmart. Valid prescription required.
Teenager 1
Where'd you get those shoes?
Ed
Easy.
Teenager 1
They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or dsw.com Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast.
Dr. Laura
Deep Dive.
Caller
There are all kinds of books about love. Language is this. Language is that. But what is love without expressing it through affection? When a husband or a wife calls me for tips on how to get back that love and feeling, my answer is usually hug, touch. Hug touch. You'll be amazed how your relationship will change overnight, if not instantly. It sort of reconnects you to everything that has been beautiful between you. And that's what I explained to Terry and Rick when they called to save their marriage.
Ed
Hi, Terry. Hi, Rick.
Terry
Hello.
Ed
And how long have you been married?
Terry
28 years.
Ed
27.
Terry
27.
Ed
When's your anniversary?
Terry
We just had our anniversary on March.
Ed
Ah, okay. So which is it, 28 or 27?
Terry
Which is 27.
Ed
Okay. Okay. What can I help you with?
Terry
Well, we've. We've been together for 32 years. We've been married for 27 of those years. And through that marriage, we have two daughters that are grown and out of the home. I do have a stepson, however, there was no marriages prior. It was. He had a child out of wedlock and he is my son. He's grown adult and gone as well. For several years, we have fought about affection levels and my inability that I've not shown him the affection.
Ed
Okay, Terry, Terry, Terry. Yes, it is impossible to not have the ability.
Terry
No, I have the ability. I've not shown him the affection levels that he desires.
Ed
Have you shown on your frame of reference? Just asking you now for how much affection you think in general, a wife should show a husband from 0 to 10, 10 being really a lot. Where would you say you would place yourself?
Terry
Based on my feeling or what I feel he would say?
Ed
I didn't ask you about anybody's feelings. I asked you an entirely different question. I'll do it again. I was wondering, based upon what you think is a reasonable amount of wifely affection to show a husband from 0 to 10, where would you say you put yourself?
Terry
Probably about a 2 or a 3.
Ed
Okay. Why would you want to stay married to a man you don't wish to show affection toward?
Terry
I do wish to show affection. I love him dearly.
Ed
Well, I'm a little confused now. Since you have arms and legs and a mouth so you can speak and touch and caress and cuddle. So why would you not give this man that you love so much affection? Do you think?
Caller
Think.
Ed
Okay.
Terry
I think that for many years it's just. I've become more comfortable and just, oh, we Go with the flow. It is as it is. Which is.
Ed
I have no idea what that means. I have no idea what that means. My question was, seeing that you expressed that you have this great love for him, why would you hurt him this much on purpose?
Terry
I don't believe I'm trying to do it on purpose.
Ed
Yes, you are. You're a 2 out of 10. Intentionally not giving him affection, which you know every human being needs, much less every husband. So of course it's intentional. It's not an accident. Your brain works fine. You're both on the line because he wants more from you. You know that. And you are intentionally withholding it. So what's the point? Are you hostile about something? Are you resentful about something? Why are you punishing him? I'm just trying to figure out the why. Maybe we can fix the problem and then you can turn the spigot back on. But we are intentionally. You are intentionally hurting him. So I'm just wondering, what do you think is behind that?
Terry
You know, I. I don't.
Ed
I don't want to go back to.
Terry
The past, but I feel that.
Ed
No, you can't go back to the past.
Caller
No.
Carmen
Ma'am.
Ed
Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. The past is not here. The only thing we human beings have really is today. And tomorrow, maybe tomorrow. So to say I am going to lead my current and future life based on yesterday is nuts, counterproductive, useless, can never be remedied. There's nothing we can do about yesterday. If you love somebody today, you treat him that way today.
Terry
You're right.
Ed
Yesterday doesn't matter anymore, okay? It can't. Because we're hopeless about doing anything for yesterday. It's hopeless. It's impossible. So that's why I came up with the question that I often ask people. How do you want your life to be between now, right now, and dead.
Terry
Happy?
Ed
Well, we can't be happy when we're not showing love. We are not happy people. Human beings are not happy happy when they're not showing love. That's just a truth.
Terry
I never looked at it that way.
Ed
So your happiness depends upon you turning the spigot back on, okay? Because you're not happy now. And you could be. It just takes one caress, one sweet word, one snuggle, one touch, one fluttering of eyelashes, one look in your eyes that shows him what you say you feel inside. And you will be happy, okay? Because no woman behaving like that is anything but happy. You can't be sad or miserable. Or angry or pissed off or anything when you're caressing him.
Terry
True.
Ed
Are you driving your car?
Terry
No.
Ed
Good. Close your eyes. Okay. I'd like you to picture his face. Describe it a little to me. By the way, describe his face. Keep your eyes closed and describe his face.
Terry
Okay. It's round. He has big eyes, a big smile. No hair.
Ed
That's all right. I thought Yul Brenner was pretty hot. What can you say right now that will take the smile off his face? Say it.
Terry
That will take the smile off of his face.
Ed
Yes. Just say that.
Terry
I won't change.
Ed
Okay. Take a breath. I didn't hear yours. I only heard mine. Let me hear a nice breath. Now I'd like you to picture his face not smiling. You got it? I want you to see your hand come forward and just caress his cheek. Just see that in your mind's eye.
Terry
Okay.
Ed
Added that.
Terry
Feel good?
Ed
I want you to feel good. No matter what the two of you have gone through, he's still here for you. Do you know how fortunate you are?
Terry
Very.
Ed
That someone is still here for you? It is an unbelievable blessing over which you have just about total control. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. I'd like you to see his body from the waist up. Tell me when you're there.
Terry
I'm there.
Ed
I want you to picture him coming over and just quietly hugging you. Tell me when you're there.
Terry
Okay, I'm there.
Ed
Are you playing with something?
Terry
I'm sorry.
Ed
That was me. Okay. How did they hug?
Terry
Feel warm?
Ed
You need that to hurt you. You need that, don't you?
Terry
Yeah.
Ed
We all do. Okay, you're at a two. What number would you like to go to by tonight? Pick a number. Yours. Tonight you'll go up to a five. A six. Tonight you'll go up to a six. And then stay at a six for a few days and see what happens. See how good you feel. See how grateful you are to be alive. See how happy you are to wake up in the morning. Just see. Is that okay?
Terry
Yes.
Ed
Okay. You guys can call me back next week. How's that? Thank you. Can I Say one thing, Dr. Laura? Sure. I just would like to say I love my wife. Show her.
Caller
Every human being requires physical touch. That's why hospitals have volunteers in the preemie wards holding and touching the babies who are there for long stretches of time. Helps soothe them. Helps them bond. Very healing. That's why senior citizen homes have regular visits from therapy dogs. Touching, petting, hugging these dogs increases the resonance endorphins, reduces their blood pressure reduces stress, depression, and anxiety. That's why marriages with a lot of physical affection are happier than those without it. So hug your siblings, hug your parents, hug your children, hug your pets, hug your friends, and of course, hug your honey. I have a few feeling you're going to enjoy it very much. Now go do the right thing.
Ed
If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.
Cheryl
Sweetheart, what about this one?
Teenager 1
Um nah fam, that's a little sus.
Teenager 2
Shopping with teenagers can be hard between figuring out what they like and what they mean. But with Walmart, at least shopping for their next pair of glasses is easy. With the Walmart app, you can virtually try on frames at home, upload prescriptions, and get new glasses delivered right to your door. It's an easier way to get stylish glasses they'll actually like.
Teenager 1
Now these new glasses Total vibes.
Teenager 2
Buying new glasses has a new look. Welcome to your Walmart. Valid prescription required.
Podcast Title: Deep Dive: From Hugs to Happiness: The Importance of Physical Affection
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: January 23, 2025
In this episode of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive, Dr. Laura Schlessinger delves into the critical role that physical affection plays in fostering happiness and strengthening relationships. She emphasizes that simple gestures like hugs, touches, and smiles are foundational to maintaining emotional connections between individuals.
A poignant segment features a caller, Ed, who shares his experience of a divorce after 30 years of marriage due to growing inattentiveness and lack of physical affection. Ed reflects, "I miss the happiness we had, and I dream about the happiness that I still believe we could have" (01:18). This heartfelt narrative sets the stage for Dr. Laura's exploration of how physical affection can restore lost bonds.
Dr. Laura's Insight:
Dr. Laura underscores the significance of touch in conveying love and preventing emotional drift. She notes, "When you show affection, you're showing love. It's another way to say I love you" (02:49).
Dr. Laura recounts a success story where a husband on the brink of leaving his marriage rediscovered his love through a simple act of brushing his wife's back (03:00). She explains that physical touch releases oxytocin, the hormone responsible for calming and bonding, thus revitalizing relationships even in the absence of a sexual connection.
Anna, a long-term wife, shares her struggle with her husband's loss of interest in sex due to erectile dysfunction and his subsequent emotional withdrawal (04:15). She expresses frustration over unmet emotional needs despite her husband's attempts to address the issue superficially with Viagra (05:49).
Dr. Laura's Guidance:
Dr. Laura advises Anna to take a more assertive role in reintroducing affection, suggesting activities like sitting close together and snuggling without the pressure of sex (06:09). She emphasizes the importance of initiating affectionate gestures to overcome her husband's fear and resistance to intimacy.
Cheryl and Carmen, two sisters who rarely showed physical affection, seek Dr. Laura's help to bridge their emotional gap (11:59). They reveal a long-standing lack of hugs or verbal expressions of love, compounded by societal ridicule when Cheryl publicly expressed her need for affection on Facebook (12:02).
Interactive Exercise: Dr. Laura facilitates a live exercise encouraging Cheryl and Carmen to hug each other in real-time. Initially hesitant, the sisters eventually embrace, leading to emotional breakthroughs. Dr. Laura encourages them to continue this practice to enhance their sisterly bond (14:28).
Notable Quotes:
Dr. Laura broadens the discussion by highlighting that physical touch is essential not only in romantic relationships but also in familial and platonic bonds. She shares how touch positively impacts various aspects of health, including immune response and blood pressure, citing examples from hospitals and senior homes where touch is integral to healing and comfort (22:21).
Key Takeaway:
Physical affection is a universal human need that transcends relationship types, fostering deeper connections and enhancing overall well-being.
Throughout the episode, Dr. Laura provides actionable advice and exercises to help listeners incorporate more physical affection into their lives:
Dr. Laura wraps up the episode by reiterating the transformative power of physical affection. She urges listeners to prioritize touch in their daily interactions to cultivate happiness and strengthen their relationships. Her closing message is a heartfelt reminder that "hug your siblings, hug your parents, hug your children, hug your pets, hug your friends, and of course, hug your honey" (33:01).
Final Thought:
By embracing and expressing physical affection, individuals can significantly enhance their emotional well-being and create more fulfilling connections with those around them.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger effectively communicates the indispensable role of physical affection in maintaining and enhancing relationships. Through real-life stories, practical advice, and interactive exercises, she highlights how simple acts of touch can lead to profound emotional fulfillment and lasting happiness.
For more insights and advice, visit DrLaura.com and become a Family member today!