Deep Dive: Putting Your Family First

Summary

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Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Deep Dive: Putting Your Family First

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: August 28, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura tackles the often-painful topic of family boundaries, focusing on why your spouse and children must take priority over your family of origin—no matter the demands or history. Through compelling caller stories, Dr. Laura delivers her signature direct and ethically anchored advice, hammering home the importance of moral obligation, healthy limits, and personal responsibility. The episode is blunt, at times tough-loving, and ultimately empowering for listeners struggling with guilt or unhealthy entanglements with parents and siblings.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Your Primary Family Is the One You Create

Dr. Laura opens with a forceful reminder: once you're married and have children, they are your number one responsibility. Your own parents, siblings, and extended family are no longer your highest moral duty.

"It's your moral obligation to make your current family the priority. You are responsible for your kids and your spouse's well being... because you made vows not to your mother, father, uncle and cousins."
—Dr. Laura [01:12]

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2. Caller Lacey: The Trap of Parental Caretaking and Guilt

Situation: Lacey, whose father recently died, is overwhelmed by caring for her severely mentally ill and addicted mother, plus managing the family business, raising six-year-old triplets, and stepchildren.

Dr. Laura’s Intervention:

• Dr. Laura firmly instructs Lacey to detach from caretaking her mother and brother, declaring her children should not pay the price for her misplaced sense of responsibility.
• Recommends finding outside help for the mother (care agencies, grocery delivery, financial services).
• Calls out Lacey’s guilt-driven choices as harmful to her own family.

"You are forfeiting your moral obligation for guilt, and that has to stop."
—Dr. Laura [06:43]

"You're giving your mother your kidney, your heart, your liver, your left leg, and you have three kids and you don't have any right to do that."
—Dr. Laura [05:46]

Memorable Moment: Dr. Laura interrupts repeated justifications with, “I don't want to hear it. You're forfeiting your moral obligation for guilt. You're doing a terrible thing as a parent. Your priorities are upside down.” [06:59]

Actionable Takeaway:

• Outsource elderly/parental care when possible.
• Set boundaries: family business is not a bottomless rescue fund.
• Evict the brother if necessary; don't allow others to move into your property without consent.

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3. Caller Monica: Enabling an Alcoholic Sibling

Situation: Monica has spent years trying to rescue her younger, alcoholic brother, at the cost of her own family.

Dr. Laura’s Tough Love:

• Calls Monica’s rescuing attempts “useless and unwanted.”
• Tells Monica she has “no moral obligation to your brother. None.”
• Advises a strict boundary: no contact until the brother is clean and sober for at least a year, evidenced by consistent AA attendance ([17:09]).

"Everything you've done has been useless and unwanted. And every moment you wasted on him can never come back, can't be redirected toward your kids or your husband."
—Dr. Laura [15:24]

Memorable Moment:
Dr. Laura prompts Monica to change “can’t” to “won’t,” shifting her mindset from powerlessness to agency ([19:14]).

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4. Caller Jeanette: The Critical Mother and the Husband's Wellbeing

Situation: Jeanette struggles with her mother’s constant criticism of her husband during family gatherings and vacations.

Dr. Laura’s Analysis:

• Immediately challenges Jeanette’s decision to put her husband through family vacations with a toxic mother.
• Urges Jeanette to honor her marriage vows by shielding her husband from mistreatment.

"What kind of a wicked witch of the west makes her husband go on a vacation with her mother when her mother's not nice to him?"
—Dr. Laura [20:40]

• Suggests canceling the group trip and spending time alone as a nuclear family ([22:10]).
• Advocates for direct communication: tell the mother she’s unwelcome when the husband is present if she can't be respectful.

Memorable Moment:
Dr. Laura displays exasperation at Jeanette’s lack of prioritization:

"How dare you let your mothers hurt your husband. How freaking dare you? What is wrong with your thinking?"
—Dr. Laura [25:06]

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5. Caller Bridget: Reclaiming Self Through Creativity and Letting Go

Situation: Bridget found relief from caretaking her depressed mother by following Dr. Laura’s earlier advice to channel energy into an art project (Shrinky Dinks).

Insights:

• Redistributing her energy to art, home, and her immediate family improved her well-being and relationships.
• Bridget worries she’s becoming “selfish” by not helping her mother with housework anymore.

Dr. Laura’s Perspective:

• Affirms it’s not selfish; it’s healthy realignment:

"Now you're giving [the time] to your house, your kids and your husband. Not a matter of becoming a selfish bitch. There are just so many hours and energy in a day."
—Dr. Laura [31:29]

• Encourages occasional, true-need-based help, but not routine rescues.
• Suggests giving her mother a creative outlet as a possible support.

Memorable Moment:
Bridget, when asked directly if she likes her mother, admits, “No, I don’t enjoy spending time with her,” which Dr. Laura applauds as honest self-understanding ([34:06]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I'd expect a parent to give a child a kidney. I would absolutely forbid a kid to give a parent a kidney. It’s supposed to trickle downhill.” —Dr. Laura [05:36]
• "Maybe your husband wasn't doing well in his job and this is a situation that he was able to turn around... But don’t tell me your kids have the highest priority. When you've got a drunk living in the house... that’s just ridiculous." —Dr. Laura [08:53]
• "You can call every now and then and be compassionate and nice. But you need to stop allowing those relationships to negatively impact your psyche, your soul, and your feelings, because all that affects your marriage and relationship with your kids." —Dr. Laura [27:55]
• "Sometimes the worst people to have in your life are the ones you grew up with." —Dr. Laura [19:40]
• “When my sadness comes up. What should I do?” –Bridget.
  “Shrinky dinks. Grab a shrinky dink.” –Dr. Laura [35:52]

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Actionable Takeaways

• Prioritize Your Nuclear Family: Your spouse and children come first, always. Let go of misplaced obligation to extended family.
• Boundaries Over Guilt: Do not let guilt or childhood programming undermine your obligations to your household.
• Outsource and Delegate: For needy or unstable relatives, seek external support—don’t sacrifice your core family’s wellbeing.
• Direct, Honest Communication: Don’t excuse or enable toxic behavior—address it or set limits, even with parents.
• Invest in Yourself: Channeling pent-up emotion into meaningful hobbies or self-care can help you reclaim time and identity.

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Segments and Timestamps

• [01:12] Dr. Laura on Primary Obligation to Spouse/Kids
• [02:33] Lacey's Dilemma – the overburdened daughter/wife/mother
• [05:18] Dr. Laura’s Intervention with Lacey
• [14:29] Monica’s enabling of an alcoholic brother
• [15:24] Dr. Laura: “Useless and unwanted” help
• [20:12] Jeanette and the critical mother-in-law on vacation
• [28:48] Bridget’s transformation with creative projects

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Tone:
Dr. Laura’s advice is unyielding, straight-shooting, and often emotionally charged, aiming to shock callers (and listeners) into realigning priorities.

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Summary

This episode is an uncompromising call to action for those embroiled in guilt or unhealthy family dynamics. Dr. Laura emphatically champions putting your immediate family—spouse and children—first and severing or strictly limiting emotionally draining or toxic ties with parents and siblings. Listeners will find both tough truths and practical solutions, all delivered with Dr. Laura’s usual candor and moral clarity. If you’re struggling with divided loyalties or paralyzing guilt, this is an episode not to be missed.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Deep Dive Dive right in Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. One of the biggest problems I've run across in recent years of taking calls on the Dr. Laura program is of adult, married, mostly women who allow themselves to be emotionally drained by their demanding, needy, mentally unstable mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers. Those calls tick me off. Listen, once you get married and have kids, it's your moral obligation to make your current family the priority. You are responsible for your kids and your spouse's well being and if your original family members are interfering with that, you have to take action because you made vows not to your mother, father, uncle and cousins. As I explained to Lacey when we spoke, their needs cannot outweigh those of your spouse and your children. They are the ones who deserve to get the best of you, not just what's left over after you've attended to everyone else. Lacey, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura, thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you.

[Caller]

I don't even know where to start. Let me start back a little bit. My father just passed away from prostate cancer at the end of March, had about a five year battle with it and in about the past two years my husband and I have taken over his our family business and we have, you know, work worked to get my dad and my mother moved up to where we Live, they're actually, they were living in our rental house and once, once my dad started to get really sick, we. My husband quit his job and took over the family business. I have six year old triplets and I have adult grown stepchildren. My husband was previously married. Anyway, and so let me get to the point, I guess my mom is bipolar, schizophrenic, ocd. She's been pretty stable most of my life. There's a lot of times I remember being a child and you know, being very uncertain about what mom was, you know, what was wrong with mom and a lot of hospital stays and whatnot. My father and I were very close and since my father's passed, my mom has basically gone off the deep end. She's extremely manic. She's also, you know, complete. She is an addiction, you know, a lot of addictions. Food addiction, sugar addiction, pill addiction, shopping addiction. The main problem is I've had to be in charge of all of her finances and her money. And I did this mainly for my father when he was alive to make sure that he was getting groceries and whatnot. I was going grocery shopping for them every week, feeding my dad every night and so on. Now my mom has pretty much gone off the deep end and, you know, doesn't right now she has 50 cents in her bank account and expects my husband and I to cover for her when she doesn't have enough money to get gas. And I think she just honestly thinks that the company can just pay for whatever. My husband has finally gotten the company into a place where we actually are in good standing and, you know, aren't worried about doing anything illegal. So I guess my question is. I don't. I don't really know what my question is. I just need help. I don't know what to do with my mom. I can't just leave her.

[Dr. Laura]

I do know. Yes, you can. And you have to. You have triplets and they're more important than your mother. I don't understand in this day and age why people aren't brought up. And if your mother has so many problems, I guess your dad never told you, it trickles downhill. For example, I would expect a parent to give a child a kidney. I would absolutely forbid a kid to give a parent a kidney.

[Caller]

I agree.

[Dr. Laura]

It's supposed to trickle downhill. Well, you're giving your mother your kidney, your heart, your liver, your left leg, and you have three kids and you don't have any right to do that. And I'm sorry your mother has so many problems, but you're going to have to find somebody else or some other means. Hospitalization. You have three kids who don't need to suffer. You being frenzied, tired, not around. They deserve better. They need more than what's left over after you go nuts taking care of your mother. That has to stop.

[Caller]

I agree.

[Dr. Laura]

There are companies that take care of. Ma', am. There are companies that take care of business and paperwork. There are companies that deliver groceries once a week, twice a week, pass it off and focus in on your husband and children. That's what you're supposed to be doing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

That is your moral obligation. You are forfeiting your moral obligation for guilt, and that has to stop.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, I'm. I know. I'm basically. I guess I am making excuses for her. She. You know. Nobody. Nobody know. You meet her.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. You're forfeiting your moral obligation for guilt. You're doing a terrible thing as a parent. Your priorities are upside down.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes.

[Caller]

Well, my kids are always my number one priority. I don't ever. Anything.

[Dr. Laura]

No, there's nothing. No. They got a mother who's crying over her mother. They. They don't need that.

[Caller]

No, I'm. I'm not crying over my mother. I'm crying over my father.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. Because he.

[Caller]

I've had no time to mourn.

[Dr. Laura]

Morning is not. Morning is not a thing you do in six weeks. It's not some kind of exercise that you need time for.

[Caller]

Yeah. Well, in the meantime, my alcoholic brother has moved in to our house that my mom is living in. I own my husband and I own the house.

[Dr. Laura]

Lacey. Lacey.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

I am of no use to you. You have your priorities mixed up, and you just add to them, and your kids are going to pay the price. And I want you to remember those words every time you have another warped, needy family member come into your sphere of caretaking. Your kids pay the price.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

And I think that's terrible of you.

[Caller]

No, I agree. I'm not. I'm thinking when I'm looking.

[Dr. Laura]

Get your brother out. Get somebody else to take care of your mother and do what you're doing. I was never asked.

[Caller]

My brother just moved in. We were never asked. So I need to tell him he needs to get out.

[Dr. Laura]

Regret. Yeah. I don't. People can't move into your house without your permission, ultimately. But I understand. You spent a lifetime working in the wrong direction. Even your husband got sucked into it. Now he's doing the family business. You should have stayed with his job and you should have found somebody to take care of your mom. There are companies that do this. They'll put a certain amount of money each week and if she doesn't have enough money, she doesn't. She's not stupid. With whatever illnesses she has, she's not stupid. It'll occur to her that if she spends this today, not going to have it tomorrow. But if everybody rescues her, it's like a kid. She's just going to keep doing it, take advantage of the situation. But you know, I really can't help you. Probably you would require several years of psychotherapy to help you with guilt and the over attachment and everything else. So I can only give you a direction. But I. This is a kind of situation where I. I can't move a mountain. But don't tell me your kids have the highest priority. When you've got a drunk living in the house and you just are somehow. You and your husband somehow just don't know how to take care of that. I mean, that's just ridiculous. Maybe your husband wasn't doing well in his job and this is a situation that he was able to turn around and now he's able to make a living. So he's got other things invested. You're going to take a break and you're going to admit to yourself right now who you're letting interfere with your real family, spouse and children. Be right back. Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast. Your new beginning starts now. Dr. Horton has new construction homes available in Ellensburg and throughout the greater Seattle area. With spacious floor plans, flexible living spaces and home technology packages, you can enjoy more cozy moments and sweet memories in your beautiful new home. With new home communities opening in Ellensburg and throughout the Seattle area, Dr. Horton has the ideal home for you. Learn [e-mail] Dr. Horton, America's builder and equal housing opportunity builder. So I was just parking my car and then I saw you. The Gecko. Huge fan. I'm always honored to meet fans out in the wild. The honor's mine. I just love being able to file a claim in under two minutes with the Geico app. Well, the Geico app is top notch. I know you get asked this all the time, but could you sign it? Sign what? The app. Yeah, sure. Oh, that means so much. Oh, it rubbed off the screen when I touched it. Could you sign it again? Anything to help, I suppose. You're the best. Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico at RXBar. They believe in simple nutrition without the BS. That's why they said NO to artificial ingredients and yes to deliver intentional transparent nutrition. Try their original 12 gram protein bar, the Nut Butter and Oat Bar, or Minis. Rxbar the proud sponsor of no BS. Use code RXBAR on RXBAR.com for 25% off, subject to full terms and conditions and to change. Valid until September 30, 2025 and may not be combined with other offers. See rxbar.com for full details and limitations. Lowes has the Labor Day deals you need to give your home a new look. Buy one, get one free, select interior paint via Visa gift card rebate then add the final touch with two for $8 on select 2.5 or 3 quart mums. Refresh your home and save big while doing it. Lowe's we help you save. Valid through 93 mums offer in store only. Selection varies by location while supplies last. More terms and restrictions apply. Seeloes.com rebates for details. Hanaday presents in the red corner, the undisputed undefeated Weed Whacker guys champion of.

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Patternay. Bring it on Dr. Lara's much deeper deep Dive podcast. What would justify dumping a person who is coming between you and your immediate family? Relentless stress, depletion of your time, energy and money. Physical or mental abuse. How about when you're losing sleep and health dealing with them? Some of you face this very tough decision and I know it's upsetting. The hardest thing about letting go is not actually the letting go of the person that can be somewhat easy on an intellectual level because you know they've caused you so much pain. The hardest part is the letting go of the hope. Most people are torn about what to do. They keep thinking maybe this time things will be different. What if they get better? Look at history. If they ever seemed better, did it last? When I spoke to Monica, she had to admit that the help she had offered her brother over the years had done little to nothing to improve his situation. Monica, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

What can I do for you? Thank you Monica. Thank you.

[Caller]

I'm. I'm 37 years old and I've been married to a wonderful man for about 10 years. Have three children, a four year old, a two year old and a three month old that I have with me here. So you may hear her in the background too. And I'm calling today because of some problems that I've been having with my brother, my younger brother. He's about two and a half years younger than me and he struggled with. Essentially he's a high functioning alcoholic. He's struggled with alcohol for a very long time. And every two years he goes through periods of very heavy drinking. And I've played a kind of like a rescuer role in that.

[Dr. Laura]

You have failed miserably. Everything you've done has been useless and unwanted. Let me say it again. You have failed miserably. And every moment you wasted on him can never come back, can't be redirected toward your kids or your husband. How about that?

[Caller]

Yeah, I agree with that.

[Dr. Laura]

So if you have a sense of loyalty to the vows you made and the moral obligation you have to children, you cease and desist with your brother. Tis life. He decides to drink, he decides not to drink. It's all on him. But you have moral obligations to your kids and your husband, not him. You have no moral obligation to your brother.

[Caller]

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. And that recently came to a head about a month ago. And it was really the first time that I feel like I was able to really stand up to him. My husband works really hard and he had to work one weekend and I asked him to help me sign my sign up for T ball. And he showed up in the morning and he was drunk. And I told him I basically kicked him out and told him that he was not allowed to be around the kids if he was drinking and that it was a consequence of.

[Dr. Laura]

No, he shouldn't be around the kids until he's been clean and sober for at least a year. Not when he's drinking. You don't even know when that occurs. Yes, clean and sober for at least a year. Proof goes to aa. And we have all those little discs, little coins.

[Caller]

Right. Okay, that was my question. I didn't know what to do now.

[Dr. Laura]

Now you block him on your phone, right? And you get on with being a mother and wife. Started reaching out again with a mother and a wife. You know something? It amazes me how many married young women will screw over their kids and their husband for the sake of their mother or their brother or their sister. What is that about? What is that?

[Caller]

I understand. I.

[Dr. Laura]

No tell. I don't understand. So tell me what you think motivates young married women with kids to fuss more over their mother. Their sister, their brother, then their husband and children. Tell me. I really need to know. It'll help me a lot on the program.

[Caller]

Well, I think with him, for me at least, I was inappropriately playing a mother role for too long. So I think that's how I got a little turned around in it.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, I get that. Until you got married and had the kid.

[Caller]

Yeah, I think. And then there would be. There would be good periods. It has been a cyclical thing. And now I'm done. I can't. I can't do it anyway. The cycle is now so obvious that I can't. I can't go through it again.

[Dr. Laura]

I'd like you to change can't to won't. Because you are able to do it again. But won't is a decision. A decision.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, I won't do that again.

[Dr. Laura]

That was very interesting, very interesting insight on your part. Thank you very much.

[Caller]

Thank you, Dr. Laura, for clarifying that.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome. Give the kids a hug for me. Sometimes the worst people to have in your life are the ones you grew up with. We all wish for parental love, the idea of mommy, mother love, the constant flow of warmth, beauty, support, happiness. Yes, everybody wants that. Some of you have it, while others of you have mothers, like Jeanette's. Jeanette, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking my call. I decided to give you a call because I am going on a weekend trip with my family. My mom's going to be there, my brother in law and whatnot. And every time we all get together, I've noticed that my mom is very hypercritical of my husband and it really.

[Dr. Laura]

I already have a question.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

I already have a question. I'm sitting here listening to a woman who's saying she's choosing to go on a vacation with the whatnots, including a brother in law and I don't know what happened to the spouse there and a mother who's not nice to her husband. So I'm sitting here going, what kind of a wicked witch of the west makes her husband go on a vacation with her mother when her mother's not nice to him? What kind of wicked witch of the west does that?

[Caller]

We all like to go. My husband.

[Dr. Laura]

No, we all don't like to go. Unless your husband is brain dead. He doesn't like to go where he's mistreated. Come on.

[Caller]

He's that kind of guy where he's like, come on, Jeanette, let it go. No big deal. And doesn't.

[Dr. Laura]

Would he rather go On. Would he.

[Caller]

Shh.

[Dr. Laura]

Would he rather go on this vacation with just you?

[Caller]

So it's a weekend. It's like an hour and a half away. It's when I see.

[Dr. Laura]

Was that an answer to my question?

[Caller]

No. Yeah. He would rather, of course, go with just me and the kids.

[Dr. Laura]

Why of course?

[Caller]

Because he's. He's always saying how much he likes to spend time with his family and just really enjoys it.

[Dr. Laura]

Then cancel what you have planned and go away with him and the kids.

[Caller]

I'm sorry, can you say that again?

[Dr. Laura]

Cancel the priority weekend away with your mother and the whatnots and just go away with your husband?

[Caller]

Maybe I should specify. What I'm asking is, okay, we're around them and. I'm sorry, I'm outside. We're around them pretty frequently, whether it's over at their house for dinner or a birthday party. At our house, there's these subtle, subtle criticisms that he doesn't even notice more of me.

[Dr. Laura]

Jeanette, this is your mother. Do I have this right? This is your mother?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Then tell her she can't come over when your husband's there because you don't like how mean she is to him, and your husband is going, it's okay. It's okay. And you actually think he means it's okay. He just doesn't want it to escalate. You're supposed to take care of him, not your mother. My God. Love, honor, cherish. Is it cherishing? Is it honoring? Putting him in a position where he'd rather just be with you?

[Caller]

No. It really irritates me, and that's what I want to stop.

[Dr. Laura]

I understand now. So you want to stop being irritated when your mother is mean to your husband?

[Caller]

No, I want her to stop being mean.

[Dr. Laura]

She's not going to.

[Caller]

Yeah, I guess I need to be more upfront then.

[Dr. Laura]

Why do so many women not honor their husbands, not take care of them, not cherish them, because they cater to their mothers? Why do women do that? Do you think.

[Caller]

I know why I do it? It's not something I'm happy about. It's definitely something I'm working on. I've picked my battles with her, but anytime I raised something with her that was serious, it was. You're being hypersensitive. Criticizing me. Silent treatment of me.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, putting it aside. Stop being a baby. Yeah, stop being a baby. You married him and took vows.

[Caller]

No, absolutely. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura]

For what? You're still going to have her over. You're still going to do stuff.

[Caller]

It just gives me the well, when.

[Dr. Laura]

He gets a girlfriend or leaves and has had enough, are you going to call me and wonder why?

[Caller]

Yeah. No, no, no. That's not going to happen.

[Dr. Laura]

Have a good day. My number one, 800, see how arrogant many women are? I can poop all over his world, but he's not going to leave me. He's not going to get a girlfriend, not going to get hookers on the side. I can treat him like shit, but he will not leave me. Is that what you tell yourself? My number one? Because if you listen to this show enough, you hear the guys whose wives think that how dare you let your mothers hurt your husband. How freaking dare you? What is wrong with your thinking? Oh, but he's okay with it. No, he's not. He just doesn't want to take more crap from you and he's trying to make the best of it, but one day it gets to be too much. Mark my words. Okay, I'm going to take a break and I want you to think about how you're going to handle the next time an annoying family member keeps chewing away at your sanity. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Deep Dive podcast Firestone Complete Auto Care's EPIC Savings Event.

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[Dr. Laura]

Laura's Deep Dive podcast Deep you don't always get the mommy, daddy, brother you want. When that's the case, it's best to minimize contact. You can call every now and then and be compassionate and nice. But you need to stop allowing relationships with your extended family to negatively impact your psyche, your soul, and your feelings, because all that affects your marriage and relationship with your kids. They shouldn't have to deal with the same upsetting situations again and again and again. My conversation with Bridget is a beautiful illustration of how it's far better to make changes so that the pain and disappointment of those extended family relationships is no longer part of your everyday life. Bridget, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hello, Dr. Laura. Wonderful to talk to you.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What's up?

[Caller]

Hi. Eight months ago, you gave advice to a caller last fall that for her rage over her bad childhood, that she should channel it into art. And I related a lot to that caller. So I took that advice. I decided to do Shrinky Dink. Do you remember shrink eating?

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah. It's kind of a simple art project. But I started. It was something easy that I could do, and I started doing it, and it really was really helping me. And before I started doing the art, I was struggling to stick to habits, to set goals and actually follow them through. And as soon as I started the shrink eating, that was not a problem anymore. Even just a week after I established regular prayer and scripture study and I started exercising, I now go on daily walks with my husband. My house is a lot cleaner. I spend less time on my screens and more time connecting with my husband and my children. I get out of the house more often. I've even picked up some additional hobbies. I started embroidery. I'm a lot calmer and more at peace today than I was a year ago. So I want to thank you for that advice.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome. Thank you for taking the advice. Yeah.

[Caller]

One change. I just have a question about one of the changes. A year ago, I was spending time helping my mom out at her house. I would go over once a week and help her clean or help her in her yard. And as soon as I started doing the art, the Shrinky Dinks, I lost the desire to help other people in their homes clean or do yard work. I don't want to do that anymore. And so I thought.

[Dr. Laura]

May I add something here before you go on?

[Caller]

Yes, please.

[Dr. Laura]

You said that after the Shrinky Dinks, you started paying more attention to your kids. You started paying more attention to your home, to your husband. That was the time you gave to your mother. Now you're Giving it to your house, your kids and your husband.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Not a matter of becoming a selfish bitch. There are just so many hours and energy in a day. Now, did you go over and do this because you liked spending time with your mother? It was a distraction for you because when you were doing the yard work, you weren't thinking about other things that distressed you. Were you doing it because you liked spending time with your mother? So tell me, what was your motivation for doing the yard work?

[Caller]

My mother, she's struggled with depression my whole life and with her health. And when I go to her house, it makes me very, very sad to see her struggling so much.

[Dr. Laura]

Now, is she struggling because she's a lazy ne' er do well or she's struggling because she didn't get a lucky body? Is it her attitude? Is it her health? Is it both? That's important because you were depressed and then you did your shrinky dinks. You did something about your depression.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Maybe you should get her some shrinky dinks. Mom. This helped me. You're still trying to fix mom or do you like Mom? You still didn't answer. You avoided that part. Do you like mom, yes or no? I didn't ask you about love. I asked you if you liked her. Liked her means if she weren't your mother, you'd want to spend time with her.

[Caller]

Yeah. No, I don't enjoy spending time with her. Him.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, what does she do? Does she have friends? Does she have a spouse? Does she date? Does she have a dog? Cat? A bird?

[Caller]

She has two cats and two dogs. My brother lives there with her.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, okay. Then this is not you changing into an unkind person who doesn't want to help others. This is you starting to lead your own life separate from the family drama of your mother and your brother. Perfectly healthy. Did you fall off the earth which is flat.

[Caller]

It. Thank you for saying it feels odd inside to think that my mother is not my responsibility. She's been sick my whole life.

[Dr. Laura]

I know, but you have kids. You have a husband. You have a house. You have your mental and physical health. You have me to contend with. You know you're fine, sweetheart. This doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're re engaged in your life, which is healthy.

[Caller]

When my sadness comes up. What? What should I do?

[Dr. Laura]

Shrinky dinks. Grab a shrinky dink. I'm serious, Siri. Keep them around you. Grab a shrinky dink.

[Caller]

Should I ever help her at all with anything she needs?

[Dr. Laura]

She has your brother there. She Has. Well, of course, anybody. You show compassion. Stuff like that. But every day she handles things. The other days of the week, and the brother's there, and their ridiculous relationship will continue.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay. Thank you. That makes a lot sense.

[Dr. Laura]

Sometimes it's hard just to realize you don't have to get involved. You need to be a good person and a nice daughter. She gets surgery, of course. Your ass should be over there making tea. Yeah, for sure. But every day she didn't take out her shrinky dinks.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

I still think you ought to get her some. Call me again. Some. Generally speaking, when you're ready to let go of a person because they're dangerous or destructive, there's usually a sense of guilt. Hmm. Failure, doubt, emptiness. But that's what grief is. It's tough. But Bridget's story shows how there can also be profound relief. Are you ready to put some distance between yourself and your unhealthy relationships? I wrote a book called Bad Childhood, Good Life that can help, and I'm here at 1-800-Dorman Laura, so give me a call.

[Caller]

Now.

[Dr. Laura]

Go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. This season, let your shoes do the talking. Designer Shoe warehouse is packed with fresh styles that speak to your whole vibe without saying a word. From cool sneakers that look good with everything to easy sandals you'll want to wear on repeat, DSW has you covered. Find a shoe for everywho from the brands you love, like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas, New Balance, and more. Head to your DSW store or visit DSW.com today.