Transcript
Dr. Laura (0:00)
Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's deep dive. Deep dive. Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast. Do you have someone in your life whose actions don't match their words? You sense they're upset, but also that they're trying to conceal it from you? Maybe they give you the silent treatment, withhold intimacy, withhold praise. They're always procrastinating or running late or frequently critical when you ask about it. They act unaware that there's a problem. Huh. Their behavior has a name. It's called passive aggressive. My first experience really understanding blatantly in front of my eyeballs, passive aggressive behavior was when I was a therapist in practice. No, practicing to be a therapist, not a therapist. Already practicing. I never know why they talk about practicing when you already have your license, but okay, because if you're still practicing, nobody should go to you. But anyway, anyway, I had this couple in, and it was the first session, and I was a newbie. I was sitting there paying a lot of attention, doing my best. And she said, he's just driving me crazy with the stuff he does. And he sat there and said, you know, she's very demanding and very perfectionistic, and I can't do enough to please her. So I'm sitting there thinking, oh, she must be a bitch. So I started asking her, well, what kinds of things are you asking him to do? And she goes, well, like the other day, it's the weekend we got this bush that's getting out of control. I asked him to just trim it, just trim it back. And he says, and I did. And she still bitched. And I said, well, what did you have to bitch about? What was bitch worthy after he trimmed the bush? And she said, he cut it down to the ground. I said, the ground? She goes, yes, there's about a half an inch between the dirt and the top of the bush. And I looked at him and he said, well, I trimmed it. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Passive aggressive bastard. Whoa. And he sits there looking like a deer in the headlights. So I thought it would be really good because I know a lot of you are dealing with passive aggressive people. Let me just define it for you. It's a very deliberate but very masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger. Basically, these behaviors are designed to get back at another person without the other person recognizing the underlying anger. These are the kinds of things a passive aggressive person says when you're trying to deal with them rather than being upfront and honest. When questioned about their feelings, the passive aggressive person insists, I'm not mad, I'm not mad. Sulking and withdrawing from communication. Primary strategies of the passive aggressive person. That's when they say, fine, whatever, and walk away. Shuts you down. No emotionally honest communication happens. This is what drives people to want to get a hatchet. Okay. Passive aggressive people verbally comply with the request. For example, you ask your child to clean his room. He says cheerfully, okay, I'm coming. I'll do it. That's it. They say the thing, but don't do it. But they say it because it gets them time. And then when you say you didn't go do it, well, you didn't give me time. I said I would do it. Has to be done on your schedule. I said I would do it. God, you're nagging. You're nagging. That's when you want to get out the hatchet. I didn't know you meant now. I thought six months from now would be adequate. My favorite one, my favorite personal one is you just want everything to be perfect. You're asking for something. They can't procrastinate, so they carry out tasks in a timely way, but do it in a crappy manner. That's when your kids hand in sloppy homework. That's when your husband or your wife makes the steak super well done, when they know you like it. Still mooing. An employee always overspends a budget. Oh, you just want everything to be perfect. So the passive aggressive person is complying with your request, can you make me a stay? But carries it out in an inefficient way. And when confronted, a passive aggressive person defends their work counter, accusing you of being rigid or perfectionistic or naggy. A lot of you are sitting there and going, aha, this is what I'm putting up with in this marriage. This is what I'm putting up with with my parents. This is what I'm putting up with with my adult kids. Sometimes the passive aggressive person expresses their anger covertly by not sharing information when you really need to know it. And you know what they say then? Oh, I thought you knew. You know when you've called customer service when you have a technical issue or a problem with something and they go, we'd be happy to help, they hang up the phone and that's the last thought they have of you. No matter how nice you've been, the Backhanded compliment is the ultimate socially acceptable means by which the passive aggressive person insults you. Don't worry, you can still get braces on your teeth even at your age. Or don't worry, there are a lot of men who like plump women. I love the one. Your hair really looks good for change. This is by far the best hairdo I've ever seen on you. Sort of implying that you looked like crap all the other times. The two most insidious things to come out of the mouths of passive aggressive types. Number one was, oh, my. I was only joking. Really? Can't you tell a joke? Backhanded compliments, vicious sarcasm, biting passive aggressive sarcasm. The hostile passive aggressive person says, as a victim, can't you take a joke, making it your problem? Last but not least, and my personal most hated, why are you getting so upset? Why are you getting so upset? Because the passive aggressive person has a PhD in maintaining calm and feigning shock when others, worn down by his indirect hostility, finally blow up in anger. God, you overreact. Why are you getting so upset now? How do you handle this kind of person? Mostly you avoid them when you can't. It's important to be unbearably direct. I asked you to prune the bush in the back. I go in the backyard and see that you destroyed the bush. And now you're trying to make your destroying the bush look okay by telling me. I'm Nagy, look at the bush. You destroyed it. That's it. Declarative sentences. You knew I needed to know what happened. You chose not to tell me. Your intent was not good and I know it. Are you going to change them? Never. Passive aggressive people never change. It's a personality structural disorder. It's permanent. I have to take a break now, so I want you to think seriously about how you annoyed me. What am I annoyed about? If you loved me, you'd know Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep Passive Aggressive personality disorder is very annoying and it doesn't go away. It's a lifelong pattern and it can be detrimental to a marriage. When Anna called me, she didn't realize that her chronic forgetfulness was likely passive aggressive. Anna, welcome to the program.