Deep Dive: The Problem With Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Deep Dive: The Problem With Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Release Date: February 27, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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1. Introduction to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Dr. Laura Schlessinger opens the episode by addressing a common yet often misunderstood behavioral pattern: passive-aggressive behavior. She frames the discussion by relating a personal anecdote from her early days in therapy:

“Their behavior has a name. It's called passive aggressive.” [02:15]

She highlights the covert nature of passive-aggressive actions, emphasizing how these behaviors mask underlying feelings of anger and frustration without direct confrontation.

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2. Defining Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Dr. Laura provides a comprehensive definition of passive-aggressive behavior:

“It's a very deliberate but very masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger. Basically, these behaviors are designed to get back at another person without the other person recognizing the underlying anger.” [04:30]

She outlines primary strategies employed by passive-aggressive individuals, such as sulking, withholding communication, procrastinating, and delivering backhanded compliments. Dr. Laura underscores the frustration these behaviors cause in relationships, often leading others to "want to get a hatchet."

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3. Real-World Examples and Scenarios

To illustrate passive-aggressive behavior, Dr. Laura shares multiple scenarios:

• Verbal Compliance Without Action:
  “For example, you ask your child to clean his room. He says cheerfully, okay, I'm coming. I'll do it. That's it. They say the thing, but don't do it.” [06:50]

• Procrastination with Poor Execution:
  “They carry out tasks in a timely way, but do it in a crappy manner. That's when your kids hand in sloppy homework.” [08:10]

• Backhanded Compliments and Sarcasm:
  “Backhanded compliment is the ultimate socially acceptable means by which the passive aggressive person insults you… 'Don't worry, you can still get braces on your teeth even at your age.'” [09:45]

Dr. Laura emphasizes the insidious nature of these behaviors, which often go unnoticed but significantly impact personal and professional relationships.

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4. Caller Segment: Anna’s Struggle with Her Husband

Caller: Anna
Timestamp: [11:01 - 16:21]

Anna's Situation: Anna seeks advice on dealing with her husband, who is highly detail-oriented and becomes upset when she forgets conversations or tasks. She feels victimized by his impatience and accusations of not listening.

Dr. Laura’s Response:

• Challenging the Victim Mentality:
  “You're not a victim here.” [13:49]

• Proactive Strategies:
  Dr. Laura advises Anna to be "unbearably direct" in her communication. For instance:

  “Let me just define it for you... Do you have someone in your life whose actions don't match their words?... Their behavior has a name. It's called passive aggressive.” [01:55]

  • Implementing Written Agreements:
    “From now on, when you two agree on something, may I suggest you write it down? If you have a cell phone, you can put it on your cell phone.” [14:02]

  • Avoiding Emotional Confrontation:
    “Do not argue about it and do not feel guilty about it.” [32:58]

Anna is encouraged to take responsibility for her actions and implement practical solutions to mitigate passive-aggressive tensions.

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5. Caller Segment: Paul’s Realization of His Passive-Aggressive Tendencies

Caller: Paul
Timestamp: [17:43 - 24:15]

Paul's Situation: Paul recognizes his own passive-aggressive behaviors after listening to Dr. Laura’s description. He describes incidents where he failed to support his wife’s achievements and avoided direct communication about family plans.

Dr. Laura’s Response:

• Validation and Encouragement:
  “Oh, yeah, you.” [18:42]

• Understanding Root Causes:
  Dr. Laura explores Paul's upbringing, suggesting that lack of affection from his mother led to his current behavior:

  “So you're a hungry little boy. You grow up into a man, and you want your woman to do all that because you missed out on it, right?” [23:26]

• Steps Toward Change:

  • Adopting New Communication Habits:
    “Grown men get that love and affection by being loving and affectionate. You're wanting it to be just because you're there.” [24:13]

  • Acknowledging and Repairing Mistakes:
    Paul shares a successful instance where he corrected his behavior, and Dr. Laura praises his efforts:

    “That's the beginning of great change. That was magnificent.” [23:09]

Dr. Laura emphasizes that change is a nonlinear process, requiring patience and consistent effort.

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6. Caller Segment: Nicole’s Difficult Relationship with Her Mother

Caller: Nicole
Timestamp: [26:29 - 34:45]

Nicole's Situation: Nicole discusses her strained relationship with her mother, particularly her mother's passive-aggressive behaviors, such as giving the silent treatment and making manipulative comments. She shares a recent incident involving her mother's birthday arrangements that escalated tensions.

Dr. Laura’s Response:

• Identifying Manipulative Tactics:
  “Which means your feelings don't matter.” [31:58]

• Empowering Personal Boundaries:
  Dr. Laura advises Nicole to cognitively separate her self-worth from her mother's disregard:

  “Your feelings may not matter to her, but that doesn't mean your feelings don't matter.” [33:53]

• Practical Advice for Managing Interactions:

  • Non-Engagement with Manipulation:
    “Don't get in the middle of it.” [33:18]

  • Affirmation of Self-Worth:
    Nicole is guided to affirm her own feelings independently of her mother's:

    “My feelings don't matter to my mother, but they matter.” [34:22]

• Emotional Validation:
  Nicole expresses a sense of empowerment after acknowledging her feelings, and Dr. Laura reinforces this positive shift.

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7. Concluding Insights and Takeaways

Dr. Laura wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of recognizing and addressing passive-aggressive behavior in relationships. She emphasizes the need for direct communication, setting clear boundaries, and maintaining personal accountability to foster healthier interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• “Passive aggressive people never change. It's a personality structural disorder. It's permanent.” [11:58]
• “You can't allow her to manipulate you until she's dead.” [32:07]

Dr. Laura advises listeners to minimize interactions with passive-aggressive individuals unless it’s a close personal relationship like marriage, and to prioritize their own emotional well-being by not internalizing manipulative behaviors.

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Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Recognizing the subtle and often covert ways anger and frustration are expressed without direct confrontation.
• Impact on Relationships: How passive-aggressive actions deteriorate trust and communication in personal and professional relationships.
• Strategies for Handling: Practical advice includes being direct, documenting agreements, setting boundaries, and reinforcing personal value apart from manipulators.
• Personal Accountability: Encouraging self-awareness and proactive behavior changes to foster healthier interactions and personal growth.

This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals grappling with passive-aggressive behaviors in their relationships, offering both theoretical understanding and actionable strategies to navigate and mitigate such challenges.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's deep dive. Deep dive. Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast. Do you have someone in your life whose actions don't match their words? You sense they're upset, but also that they're trying to conceal it from you? Maybe they give you the silent treatment, withhold intimacy, withhold praise. They're always procrastinating or running late or frequently critical when you ask about it. They act unaware that there's a problem. Huh. Their behavior has a name. It's called passive aggressive. My first experience really understanding blatantly in front of my eyeballs, passive aggressive behavior was when I was a therapist in practice. No, practicing to be a therapist, not a therapist. Already practicing. I never know why they talk about practicing when you already have your license, but okay, because if you're still practicing, nobody should go to you. But anyway, anyway, I had this couple in, and it was the first session, and I was a newbie. I was sitting there paying a lot of attention, doing my best. And she said, he's just driving me crazy with the stuff he does. And he sat there and said, you know, she's very demanding and very perfectionistic, and I can't do enough to please her. So I'm sitting there thinking, oh, she must be a bitch. So I started asking her, well, what kinds of things are you asking him to do? And she goes, well, like the other day, it's the weekend we got this bush that's getting out of control. I asked him to just trim it, just trim it back. And he says, and I did. And she still bitched. And I said, well, what did you have to bitch about? What was bitch worthy after he trimmed the bush? And she said, he cut it down to the ground. I said, the ground? She goes, yes, there's about a half an inch between the dirt and the top of the bush. And I looked at him and he said, well, I trimmed it. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Passive aggressive bastard. Whoa. And he sits there looking like a deer in the headlights. So I thought it would be really good because I know a lot of you are dealing with passive aggressive people. Let me just define it for you. It's a very deliberate but very masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger. Basically, these behaviors are designed to get back at another person without the other person recognizing the underlying anger. These are the kinds of things a passive aggressive person says when you're trying to deal with them rather than being upfront and honest. When questioned about their feelings, the passive aggressive person insists, I'm not mad, I'm not mad. Sulking and withdrawing from communication. Primary strategies of the passive aggressive person. That's when they say, fine, whatever, and walk away. Shuts you down. No emotionally honest communication happens. This is what drives people to want to get a hatchet. Okay. Passive aggressive people verbally comply with the request. For example, you ask your child to clean his room. He says cheerfully, okay, I'm coming. I'll do it. That's it. They say the thing, but don't do it. But they say it because it gets them time. And then when you say you didn't go do it, well, you didn't give me time. I said I would do it. Has to be done on your schedule. I said I would do it. God, you're nagging. You're nagging. That's when you want to get out the hatchet. I didn't know you meant now. I thought six months from now would be adequate. My favorite one, my favorite personal one is you just want everything to be perfect. You're asking for something. They can't procrastinate, so they carry out tasks in a timely way, but do it in a crappy manner. That's when your kids hand in sloppy homework. That's when your husband or your wife makes the steak super well done, when they know you like it. Still mooing. An employee always overspends a budget. Oh, you just want everything to be perfect. So the passive aggressive person is complying with your request, can you make me a stay? But carries it out in an inefficient way. And when confronted, a passive aggressive person defends their work counter, accusing you of being rigid or perfectionistic or naggy. A lot of you are sitting there and going, aha, this is what I'm putting up with in this marriage. This is what I'm putting up with with my parents. This is what I'm putting up with with my adult kids. Sometimes the passive aggressive person expresses their anger covertly by not sharing information when you really need to know it. And you know what they say then? Oh, I thought you knew. You know when you've called customer service when you have a technical issue or a problem with something and they go, we'd be happy to help, they hang up the phone and that's the last thought they have of you. No matter how nice you've been, the Backhanded compliment is the ultimate socially acceptable means by which the passive aggressive person insults you. Don't worry, you can still get braces on your teeth even at your age. Or don't worry, there are a lot of men who like plump women. I love the one. Your hair really looks good for change. This is by far the best hairdo I've ever seen on you. Sort of implying that you looked like crap all the other times. The two most insidious things to come out of the mouths of passive aggressive types. Number one was, oh, my. I was only joking. Really? Can't you tell a joke? Backhanded compliments, vicious sarcasm, biting passive aggressive sarcasm. The hostile passive aggressive person says, as a victim, can't you take a joke, making it your problem? Last but not least, and my personal most hated, why are you getting so upset? Why are you getting so upset? Because the passive aggressive person has a PhD in maintaining calm and feigning shock when others, worn down by his indirect hostility, finally blow up in anger. God, you overreact. Why are you getting so upset now? How do you handle this kind of person? Mostly you avoid them when you can't. It's important to be unbearably direct. I asked you to prune the bush in the back. I go in the backyard and see that you destroyed the bush. And now you're trying to make your destroying the bush look okay by telling me. I'm Nagy, look at the bush. You destroyed it. That's it. Declarative sentences. You knew I needed to know what happened. You chose not to tell me. Your intent was not good and I know it. Are you going to change them? Never. Passive aggressive people never change. It's a personality structural disorder. It's permanent. I have to take a break now, so I want you to think seriously about how you annoyed me. What am I annoyed about? If you loved me, you'd know Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep Passive Aggressive personality disorder is very annoying and it doesn't go away. It's a lifelong pattern and it can be detrimental to a marriage. When Anna called me, she didn't realize that her chronic forgetfulness was likely passive aggressive. Anna, welcome to the program.

[Anna]

Hi there, Anna.

[Dr. Laura]

There you go.

[Anna]

Yes, hi. Thank you so much. First, let me say that I'm a huge fan. And more than anything, I really do appreciate and have gained a lot of strength from your strength in every single way that you've demonstrated to us over the airways for so many years. And it's Given me a lot of confidence moving forward in difficult and. And confrontational issues. So thank you. So thank you. Sorry, I'm losing my breath. I'm a little nervous. The reason for my call is I'm trying to. I wanted to ask you if you had any pearls of wisdom or strategies to help me deal with a situation that I can't change and has kind of become increasingly more challenging for me and that.

[Dr. Laura]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just want to make sure I understand my assignment. You're in a predicament or a situation, and you're pretty certain it cannot change or will not change. It has no intention of changing. Whatever. So when you say you want to learn how to deal with it, what does that mean? If you dealt with that, it meant you wouldn't be annoyed or upset by it anymore. Just say yes or no. Say yes or no.

[Anna]

Yes. Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so you would like me to tell you a way to deal with something unpleasant and have it not bother you. Is that my assignment?

[Anna]

Or perhaps if you have any ideas about how to make the situation better. I guess I'm assuming it can't change, but perhaps you may have a different perspective on that.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, what's the situation?

[Anna]

The situation is that my husband and I. He's a very good person. We are very. Our personalities are very different. He's very detailed, oriented, and specific. You tell him something, he remembers it. You only tell him once. He's very reliable, dependable, all those great qualities. With me, I don't remember every single thing that he tells me. And he's much more pedantic and kind of particular than I am. So in our marriage and having two kids, if he tells me something and I forget, or we have a conversation and I don't recall having the conversation, and I do something else, else, and he reminds me, oh, don't you remember we had this conversation? Or I told you to do this. He gets very kind of upset, infuriated, impatient, and he. And then he kind of says that you never listen, and I always have to repeat myself, and I can't trust you, and you always do this. You do whatever you want.

[Dr. Laura]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You came on saying that you're in an unpleasant situation. I would offer that. So is he?

[Anna]

Yes, I would agree. Yes, I would agree.

[Dr. Laura]

So it's not. You're not a victim here.

[Anna]

I guess in the reason I feel.

[Dr. Laura]

Like you're a victim. You're not a victim. I don't care if you find a way to feel like one. You're not. So I think it's fair for you to sit with him tonight and say, I've been feeling like I'm a victim because you get annoyed when I forget. And I don't know what your problem with forgetting is. I don't know if you're passive aggressive or you put it out of your mind because passive aggressive personality does that. It listens, lets it go, does what it wants, and then says, oh, gee, I forgot. So I don't know if you're passive aggressive or your brain is not on all its cylinders or what. Or you're too busy and overwhelmed. I don't know what your problem is, but you are the one with the problem. He's coping with you. No, stay put with where I am. Don't argue and don't fight me. Okay?

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Because whether this marriage continues or not depends upon you hearing what I'm saying. You have to discern if you're a passive aggressive personality or if there's something not functioning right cognitively. So from now on, when you two agree on something, may I suggest you write it down? If you have a cell phone, you can put it on your cell phone. We had a discussion. I agreed to this. For whatever your problems are in remembering, you have a perfect way to do it. You say, okay, sweetie, you know how I forget things all the time. So let me. Let me put this in my to do calendar part of my cell phone, and problem is solved. Problem is only solved if you're not passive aggressive. I don't know if you are. It's a personality disorder and it doesn't get fixed, but we'll find out. Because if you resist doing this and you forget to put it in right in front of him, then it's hostility. So let's do the experiment. Tell him you spoke to me and all I suggested. Don't tell him about the hostility or the passive aggressive because you have him painted as the bad guy. Just leave that all out and say you talked to me about the situation and I suggested that when you two agree on anything that you're to put it in your phone and then refer to it every day. So let's try the experiment.

[Anna]

Okay. May I respond?

[Dr. Laura]

No, no, no. You don't get to respond. You only get to do the experiment. And the more you want to fight me on it, the more I think you're passive aggressive. You don't want to remember it, and you want to pass it off into bad memory. It's a manipulation. I open the program with manipulations. So, from my point of view, you fighting me on this gives me an indication. You not following through on this gives an indication. But I feel down in my ankle. Bones, you are not the victim. You're making him crazy. And when you do, he loses his patience. So all it takes is you writing it down. If you've agreed to it, honor it. Unlike Anna, my caller, Paul was acutely aware that the way he handled his anger and disappointment was taking a toll on his relationship with his wife. When we spoke, he was sincerely looking for a way to change. Paul, welcome to the program.

[Paul]

Oh, hello, Dr. Laura. Hi. It's a pleasure to talk with you. I'm a little nervous.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you.

[Paul]

All right. I've actually just been listening to you a short time at the request of my wife over the past couple of months, and just in that time, you've already helped me to help resolve a family issue which I don't even need to get into. But thank you for that. Welcome. But that's not what I'm calling about today. I'm calling because. Let me just take a deep breath. I'm very nervous. I'm sorry. Hold on.

[Dr. Laura]

Let's take a deep breath together. You ready?

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm not done.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, go ahead. I feel good.

[Paul]

No, thank you. A couple of weeks ago, when I was listening to your program, I listened in horror and embarrassment as you were describing what it means to be passive aggressive. Because I realized.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, yeah, you.

[Paul]

You were describing me perfectly. And I never knew that that was what was going on with me. I always have said that my wife. Excuse me, that my mom is a passive aggressive person. And my wife and I say that about my mom because of things that she says and things. And in my case, because I don't say passive aggressive things verbally, I didn't really think that that was me. But after listening to what you said about it and then reading a little bit about it and realizing a lot about things that I don't do, things that I don't say, withholding things from my wife, as far as affection or communication or things like this is all a passive aggressive manipulation.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you learned from the best.

[Paul]

Yeah, absolutely. The thing is, I don't want. I don't want any part of it. And I don't know, I read a little bit online, and it's just the most grim outlook that you can possibly.

[Dr. Laura]

No, not. Not with somebody who talks like you're speaking now. No.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

No, don't forget, with everything, there's a range. There are some people who are Passive aggressive. And there's just. They are so weak and so frightened and so hostile that they're probably not going to change. Okay, but I don't have the feeling you're one of them. Okay, but I want you to understand change is not a straight line.

[Paul]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

This is not going to go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. This is going to go 1, 2, 3,. 1, 2, 3, 4th, 3. Okay. Because habits are hard to break, and we tend to need our familiar actions, and we have to remind ourselves.

[Paul]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

So give me two examples of things that you do that you consider passive aggressive that seem to be real frequent issues in your marital relationship.

[Paul]

Well, most recently, it was actually on Mother's Day. See, my wife, she runs a fundraiser for a nonprofit, which has been a source of contention between the two of us, mainly because I'm a baby and I'm throwing a fit about not getting all of her attention because realistically speaking, she stays at home, she's there for the kids. It gets in the way every now and then, but not too often. But anyway, she was able to record a radio spot on local radio promoting the fundraiser, and she recorded it on a Wednesday, and it went on air on Sunday, and I didn't listen to it. And this was a big, big deal. She had never been on radio before, and even as she was telling me about it, I was really proud of her. And I didn't listen to it, and I made a real reminder on my phone and everything, and when it came, I didn't listen to it. And it wasn't until that night that she said so and so said I sounded really good on the radio. You should have heard it, or something along those lines. And that is probably the worst example of something I can come up with. But aside from that, there's probably 5 million other things, including yesterday, whenever I basically didn't respond to a comment that she made. Gosh, I don't know if I. If I'm going to get into.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, what was. What was the comment?

[Paul]

Okay. She was taking my daughter to a convention in town that she wanted to go to. We were going to take the four of us, our daughter, our son, and my wife and I. But it turned out to be more expensive than I thought. And aside from that, I really wasn't interested in going. Well, instead of saying, look, just take the girl and y'all have a good time. I just kind of hem hauled around it. And whenever she would bring up, hey, I think so, and so could watch the boy, so, you know, the three of us can go. And I just wouldn't say anything. And at one point, I didn't say anything and literally just left the room and I turned around and I came back and I said. That was passive aggressive of me. What I meant to do and say was, I'm not interested in going and it's expensive. I would like you to take our daughter and go. You know, so that worked out, but there's been too many to count. Dr. Laura, we've been married for.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, but look what you just told me you did. But wait a minute. What happened 11 years ago? You know, I'm not going to stand up at night and worry about it. Look what you just did. You stopped yourself, you turned around and you repaired it. That's the beginning of great change. That was magnificent.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

That's the best any of us can hope for. Remember I said, 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 3, 4, 5, 3, 2. That's how it goes. You catch yourself and you realize this was wrong. I need to communicate. I need to show love. I love her. You're right. You're a bit of a baby. Your mother and men, often, there are lots of ways men come out this way. And the way I think you came out this way is that your mother was not the most loving, affectionate, kissy, huggy, profusely expressing of affection. Mom. That one could have.

[Paul]

Was not and still is not.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so you're a hungry little boy. You grow up into a man, and you want your woman to do all that because you missed out on it, right? Okay.

[Paul]

Grown men, obviously.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no. But grown men get that love and affection by being loving and affectionate. You're wanting it to be just because you're there, which is what you should have gotten when you were little. But when you're an adult, you have to earn it. So I want you to get all the huggy kissy stuff you missed out on, but you have to prime the pump. You have to behave that way to her, and then she'll slobber you with goodies. I have to take a break now. Okay. It's fine. I don't mind. I'm cool. I'm good with it. Huh? I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Deep Dive podcast deeper Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast deep. On our Dr. Laura Facebook page, Kathy M. Wrote this message about her husband. She said, quote, my husband used the silent treatment during the first few years of our marriage. When I read that giving the silent treatment is a very passive aggressive act I stopped asking what I'd said or done wrong. I stopped trying to get back on his good side by baking his favorite desserts and begging him to talk. Most of the time I had no idea what he was even upset about. I started going about my daily business as if nothing was wrong, basically ignoring his behavior. Eventually, he stopped giving me the cold shoulder. I'm glad Kathy found a way to manage life with such a man. But passive aggressive behavior doesn't usually change. It's a foolish type of relationship to volunteer for. So if you detect it in someone you're dating, hit the road, Jack. If you're not married to the person, say it's a sibling, parent or a friend. You should minimize the time you deal with them. It's helpful to identify their behavior as hostility in your head and not play into it, as I discussed with Nicole when she called about her mother. Nicole, welcome to the program.

[Nicole]

Hi, Dr. Laura. I'm so honored to get to talk to you. I've been listening to you for years and years and years and I just. I hear your voice in my head all the time. I just love you. And I'm sorry to have to be calling about this. I hope it's. I don't know, I'm trying not to be too nervous, but. Okay, so I have a difficult relationship. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you sorry to be having to call about this?

[Nicole]

Oh, because it's. I don't know, it's sort of a little. I don't know if it's a little thing or if it's indicative of something bigger or.

[Dr. Laura]

But why are you sorry to call about it? Oh, an unusual thing for you to say.

[Nicole]

I guess I'm sorry to call about it because there have been so many times when I've thought about calling you about something related to this and those were much bigger things. And I think that in a way, maybe I should have. This almost feels like a waste of my first call. So I'm sort of regretting that I hadn't called you before when I had something bigger.

[Dr. Laura]

I have a feeling you just told me a lot about your relationship with your mother.

[Nicole]

Wow.

[Dr. Laura]

Think about that for a moment. The size of it mattered. So your feelings don't matter unless they're apocalyptic.

[Nicole]

I hadn't even thought about that.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. Think about it right now. So let's go into now with that in your mind. Don't drop that from your mind and go on as though I hadn't said it. Keep that in your mind that your feelings don't matter. Unless they're apocalyptic. Now, tell me what the problem is with your mother. Keep that in mind, though. Keep that in mind.

[Nicole]

Okay. Okay. So I've always had sort of a difficult relationship with my mom. And she sent out an email about a week ago saying, you know, reminding my sister and I that her birthday is coming up. But she didn't say her birthday. She just said December 15th.

[Dr. Laura]

And that she reminded you that December 15th was coming up but not her birthday.

[Nicole]

Correct.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you serious? The email said December 15th is coming up?

[Nicole]

Yeah, she said. I actually went back and reread it, and she said December 15th is almost upon us.

[Dr. Laura]

And what else did I say there? Can you read it to me?

[Nicole]

I can, actually. She said, well, my darlings, December 15th is soon upon us. As usual, I will be giving you your usual Christmas present at that time. And then she said, how much it is? And then she said, this is for you, your hubbies, and the babies. I also need to get together to talk with both of you about your inheritance. And could you come down here? Basically, I know it's asking a lot, but could we meet closer to where she lives, which is an hour and a half away? And then she said, this is going to take some time, and I do not want to be too far away from dad because usually we try to meet somewhere halfway for lunch or something, but this time she wanted to be closer to where she lives.

[Dr. Laura]

So all of this was in December 15th. She told you what you were. The email, did it go to your sister also?

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And so she told each of you what you're getting for Christmas.

[Nicole]

She. It's just money. She gives us money, and then we decide what to do with it.

[Dr. Laura]

And does she give you both the same amount of money?

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Interesting. And now what?

[Nicole]

So we were trying to figure out. We both have a lot of children, and we were trying to figure out what would be a time and day that we could. That we could possibly meet. And we were trying to actually make it be on the 15th since it's a Saturday, but we had plans that evening, but it wouldn't be too far away from where they were living. So we were offering to come down that afternoon or early evening, and that didn't work for my sister. So then we just sort of decided, well, what if we come down, my family, my husband and I, and my kids come at that time and celebrate with her? And my sister was thinking that she would celebrate with my mom in the morning with her kids and have like a brunch or something. And My mom didn't respond. Didn't respond? Didn't respond. So finally I called her. I was out running errands this morning and I called her just to see if that would work. And she was very short. And she said, let's just forget it. I feel like you're trying to hem me in. This is stressing me out, so I'll just send you a check and we'll see you next year. And I said, well, we're still getting together for Christmas though, aren't we? Because I'm hosting Christmas this year. And she said, well, we'll see. And I said, I feel like you're upset. Are you upset about something? And she said, no, you're just really stressing me out and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[Dr. Laura]

Now, is this surprising? Is this typical?

[Nicole]

It surprised me that. I guess it surprised me because I didn't have any sense that this was coming just because we were talking about different days and different plans.

[Dr. Laura]

No, that's not what I meant, dear. Is it surprising behavior on her part or is it typical behavior on her part?

[Nicole]

It's typical behavior on her part.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay then. So it's my way or the highway.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Which means your feelings don't matter.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Which is why you told. That's why you said that to me.

[Nicole]

Wow. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

And so I think you ought to write her back going, sorry it didn't work out. Hopefully you'll show up for Christmas. Very passive aggressive behavior. You can't allow her to manipulate you until she's dead. You've got to turn over a new leaf. Now just be gracious. Sorry it didn't work out. Sorry you felt stressed. Hope you change your mind about Christmas.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Do not argue about it and do not feel guilty about it.

[Nicole]

Okay, I'm gonna let it go.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes. It's her choice.

[Nicole]

Okay. Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

She thought the money would be enough to manipulate and I guess it wasn't.

[Nicole]

Yeah. She just found out how much. She's just come into money recently and she's. It's been a lot of little things like that lately.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. Don't get in the middle of it.

[Nicole]

Okay, I won't.

[Dr. Laura]

But you really need to think about how you don't value your feelings. That they're small.

[Nicole]

I have to hide my feelings a lot from her because it makes her angry.

[Dr. Laura]

I know. You told that to me first thing.

[Nicole]

Wow.

[Dr. Laura]

When you apologized.

[Nicole]

I didn't even realize that.

[Dr. Laura]

I know. 46 years of not realizing it, but now you do. So don't don't let her play you anymore.

[Nicole]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Your feelings may not matter to her, but that doesn't mean your feelings don't matter. Do you see the difference? When we're growing up, if our feelings don't matter to our mommy and daddy, we automatically leap to the notion that therefore our feelings don't matter.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

But at your age, you need to be able to separate it out. My feelings don't matter to my mother, but my feelings matter. Okay, can you repeat that out loud for me?

[Nicole]

My feelings don't matter to my mother, but they matter.

[Dr. Laura]

How does that feel? To say?

[Nicole]

It actually feels kind of empowering and like a relief.

[Dr. Laura]

Good.

[Nicole]

And eye opening.

[Dr. Laura]

Good.

[Nicole]

I think I have a tendency to push my feelings down and think that's dumb. Don't think about that. That's stupid.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, I hope you're going to minimize that over time. Is there someone in your life with passive aggressive tendencies that are driving you nuts? I'm here to help. Give me a call at 1-800-Dollar Law or make an appointment to speak with me on [e-mail] now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.