Do I Bail Out My Daughter?

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Do I Bail Out My Daughter?

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: December 27, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Phil, a 60-year-old father from Alabama grappling with whether to bail out his 35-year-old daughter, who is now facing serious financial trouble. The conversation centers on parenting after divorce, the long-term effects of insufficient consequences, and the wisdom—or folly—of rescuing adult children from the natural fallout of their choices.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Context: Parenting After Divorce

• Phil explains his background: Divorced when his daughter was 3½, tried hard to co-parent responsibly despite difficult circumstances.

  • He shares how his ex-wife left him for a coworker but notes, “we were good parents… so that she can deal with this the best as possible.” (01:20)

• Holiday arrangements: Tried to do what's best for their daughter, even joining his ex-wife’s new blended family for holidays, since his own family was distant.

2. Discipline & Consequences: Diverging Parenting Approaches

• Discipline Disagreement: Phil laments that while he wanted to enforce consequences, his ex-wife played the “cool mom,” undermining disciplinary efforts.

  • “I call it the cool mom syndrome… your dad’s too hard.” (03:50)

• High School Incident: Daughter, at 16, throws a massive party in his brand-new house, causing significant damage. Phil wants to take away her car (a gift for good grades) as punishment.

• Counterargument: Ex-wife resists, saying taking the car away would punish her (as she'd have to drive their daughter), highlighting disagreements over discipline.

3. Legal Realities: The Problem of Ownership

• Dr. Laura probes: “Whose name was the car in?” (09:10)

  • Phil admits: The car was in his daughter’s name.

• Dr. Laura’s advice:

  “That was a mistake. Once you did that, was it your car? You didn’t have the power to take it away.” (09:37)

  “It would have been theft if either one of you had taken the car away… because the kid owned the car.” (10:27)

• Lesson: Parental attempts to use property as leverage fail if legal ownership is already handed over.

4. Current Dilemma: Should He Bail Out His Adult Daughter?

• The Question: Phil’s adult daughter is now in deep debt, about to default on her house, and asks for a bailout.

• Dr. Laura’s Advice—Firm & Unambiguous:

  “No, she’ll lose the house and she’ll learn something. No, she’s an adult.” (11:11)

  “Do not rescue her. If she misused money and funds and what have you, that's the consequence of it for any adult.” (11:20)

  • Rationale: If he rescues her now, it teaches dependence and undermines essential life lessons.

• Phil’s Concern: “If I help her, she’ll be grateful, but it’s not going to teach her anything. That’s what I’m thinking.” (11:43)

• Dr. Laura counters firmly:

  “She’ll be grateful, but she’ll completely disrespect you… You’ll be disrespected as weak and easily manipulated.” (11:50–12:11)

5. Summary Prescription: What To Say

• Dr. Laura’s suggested script (to his daughter):

  “Tell her: I love you, kid. I trust that you will figure this out. Love you. I trust you will figure this out.” (12:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On discipline after divorce:

  “She kind of got off of that because of the cool mom syndrome.” — Phil (03:50)

• On the consequences of mismanaging money:

  “No, she’ll lose the house and she’ll learn something. No, she’s an adult.” — Dr. Laura (11:11)

• On rescuing adult children:

  “She’ll be grateful, but she’ll completely disrespect you. You’ll be disrespected as weak and easily manipulated.” — Dr. Laura (11:50–12:11)

• What to say instead:

  “I love you, kid. I trust that you will figure this out.” — Dr. Laura (12:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:20] – Caller sets up divorce & co-parenting history
• [03:50] – Discipline disagreements and the “cool mom syndrome”
• [05:30] – The high school house party incident
• [09:10] – Car ownership and legalities
• [11:11] – The big question: Should he bail out his daughter?
• [11:50–12:11] – Dr. Laura on boundaries and respect
• [12:29] – Dr. Laura’s script for tough love

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Tone & Style

• Direct, no-nonsense, caring: Dr. Laura’s hallmark style—empathetic but uncompromising.
• Father’s tone: Regretful but seeking wisdom, open to learning even if he missed signs in the past.

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For Listeners

This episode is an instructive look at how early choices in parenting and discipline can echo well into children’s adult lives. Dr. Laura’s advice is clear: do not enable irresponsible choices in adulthood with rescue or bailouts. Instead, offer love, trust, and the dignity of allowing your child to learn through consequences.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the day brought to you by Vibrance Super C Serum, the skin care product I use twice a day. Visit vibriance.com drlaura to save 37% and get free shipping. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Siriusx and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Phil welcome to the program.

[Caller (Father)]

Hello.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hello.

[Caller (Father)]

So nice, nice listening to you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you.

[Caller (Father)]

Older now I'm 60 calling from Alabama, so I wasn't planning on calling in today. However, one of your previous callers sparked something and I said, well, you know what, I'm a little shy. So I thought well, you know what, I just need to do it. So good for you. Anyway, I have, I have a daughter, she's 35 and her mother and I got divorced when she was about three and a half years old. Oh man.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why?

[Caller (Father)]

Why? Well, I try to make a joke of it now, but she, she went off with the postman.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Really?

[Blue Buffalo Advertiser]

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[Caller (Father)]

I'll make a joke out of it. She, her, the postman was her co worker. They both worked in the post office. So, but anyway, she, you know, it took me a while to grasp that and deal with it and, but we were, we were good parents and I told her, I said well let's, let's be good parents for our child so that she can deal with this the best she, you know, the best as possible. So, and for the most part we did that. We co parented and we did that. We, you know, we sent our daughter through private schools and she was heavily involved in school activities such as sports and oftentimes we would do the sport together and for many years during like Thanksgiving, Christmas. She come from a big Catholic family My family was off to a distance, so we worked it out to where instead of alternating the holidays and making her come to my house, when I don't really have a big family festival to present to her, I would just go over there and kind of a blended family. I know that sounds weird because the new husband, the guy she was cheating with, she married. So they're in fact they're still together today. But anyway, my question is, although we co parented pretty well, when it come to discipline, we did not see eye to eye. And because she was the primary parent, we shared the custody. But the way the courts work here in Alabama, there's usually a primary. So she was a primary parent. So kind of, kind of give her the say so in how to deal with things. And there, there was a few different situations where my daughter needed to suffer some consequences and she, she kind of got. Got off of that because of the cool mom syndrome. I call it the cool mom syndrome. You know, your dad's too hard. You know, my parents were really tough on me growing up. They were old school, from a farming community. My dad was a farmer. He grew up as a farmer. He wasn't a farmer when he raised me, but that was his life growing up. And so they were real hard on me, probably a lot harder than I feel like they should have, but I'm okay with that now. And as a result of that, I felt like even though I wanted to make her suffer some consequences so she would learn from it, I was, in my opinion, I was a little lax on some of the stuff I was wanting to pass down on her. But there was one instance where I was out of town. I just built a brand new house, custom house. Hadn't even all the way moved in. It had some furniture in it and it was out in a country setting. And she knew I was out of town. She had a, she was in high school at the time. She had a party and invited Oliver, of course that, you know, 50 people turned into 200. You know how that works out. And it, they destroyed a lot of stuff in, in the house. I mean the, the paint hadn't even dried on the wall yet. It's still, when you walked in it, you could smell and just know it was a new house. But I come back to a disaster and I'm just lucky no one had gotten into it because there was, there was drinking going on, beer, you know, beer. They had beer games and stuff what you would see in college. But they, they were doing in high school. But anyway, so I was pretty furious to say the least. And I told her mom, I said, well listen, the car that I bought for her on her 16th birthday because she was doing well in school needs to be taken away. And in a course her mother said, well, no, that's, that's punishing me. I said, how is it punishing you? She said, well, I will have to take her to school and arrange for her to be picked up. And I said, well, I didn't say it was easy being a parent. I'm saying that.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller (Father)]

Oh, that sounds easier than I thought.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, I do.

[Caller (Father)]

Now where did I put my keys?

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So okay, let's get to the punchline here. Who's in? Whose name was the car?

[Caller (Father)]

Well, when I bought it, I wanted her to be responsible because she she didn't have the money.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, please keep it simple for me. Whose name was on the pink slip indicating they owned the car?

[Caller (Father)]

Just tell me who it was in her. I bought it, but it was in her name.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, well, that was a mistake. And, you know, once you did that, was it your car? You didn't have the power to take it away. And frankly, sir, you're talking over me, which means you. I can't hear you.

[Caller (Father)]

Yes. Yes, ma'. Am. I'm sorry. I understand. I understand what you're saying. So now fast forward.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Legally, neither one of you could take the car away, as far as I know.

[Caller (Father)]

Yeah, she owned it. She would have. Yeah, she would have had to take it away, and she didn't want to be the bad guy.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're not hearing me. Legally, she. I'm not an attorney. What legal right did she have to take away something that your daughter owned?

[Caller (Father)]

No, no, no, no. Well, she was 16, so she wasn't legal. She was still in high school. But the reason.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Excuse me, sir, can you stop talking for a moment? It would have been theft if either one of you had taken the car away.

[Caller (Father)]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Because the kid owned the car.

[Caller (Father)]

Well, she's not a living.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So how can I help you today, sir? Let's leave that alone. Now. How could I help you today?

[Caller (Father)]

Okay, so. So fast forward. She kind of went through life's not. Not getting consequences, challenging her.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How can I help you today?

[Caller (Father)]

She. She's wanting to me. She. She's wanting a bailout from me because she's got herself in deep debt and she's about no get behind, no house payments.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, she'll lose the house and she'll learn something. No, she's an adult. Okay, somehow you. This made sense to you when she was a teenager, and it's not making sense to you anymore, which is odd. The concept once made sense to you. Do not rescue her. If she misused money and funds and what have you, that's the consequence of it for any adult. She'll have to figure it out.

[Caller (Father)]

That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking if I help her, she'll be grateful, but then it's not going to teach her anything. That's what I'm thinking.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, that's correct. Okay, let me say one thing about what you just said. She'll be grateful, but she'll completely disrespect you.

[Caller (Father)]

Oh, okay. I hadn't thought of that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You'll be disrespected as weak and easily manipulated.

[Caller (Father)]

Yeah, I see. Yeah, you're. You're probably right there. Okay, well, thank you. I appreciate this.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So tell her. I love you, kid. I trust that you will figure this out. I trust that you will figure this out. Love you. I trust you will figure this out. My 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the DRLaura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com Click on Sponsors to take advantage of the special Discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

[Child/Disneyland Visitor]

You won't believe everything I just saw. I went to Disneyland first. I went to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse live. And I danced with Goofy at night. I saw this parade. Everything was glowing. Sorcerer Mickey was there and Lightning McQueen. Oh, and guess what? Bluey and Bingo are coming for real life.

[Disneyland Announcer]

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